The Harland Highway - 389: CAPTIAN KIRK, MONOPOLY GAME, FOOD.

Episode Date: April 16, 2012

Going to the bank, Monopoly game, computer ports, food delivery, food chunks, things in 3's, movies in cars. Crab crawling cringlenut!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ricolo. No, there's no recalow here. There'll be no cough lozenges needed. I will enunciate and speak crispy and cleary. How about that? Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Harland Williams, and today we're going to be talking about wild, crazy stuff like money. Banks.

What was the last time you're in your bank? And what was the last time you played Monopoly? We're going to talk about those things. We're going to talk about food. Not only getting the wrong kinds of food in your mouth, but getting food delivered. Uh-huh. And speaking of delivered, we're going to talk about cars

and watching movies in cars, which isn't right. And then we're going to talk about the number three. Did you hear that everything happens in threes? I don't know why it does. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Or just a nothing. See what I did there? I had to say three things because everything happens in threes.

And speaking of threes, how many computer ports do you have in your computer? I've got like 20 million, and I don't know what any of them do, so we're going to plug into them and see what all the ports in my computer do. And then an unwanted, uninvited, annoying guest drops by the studio today. Oh, this guy drives me nuts. It's all here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax.

Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. this is harland williams i'm a human being god damn it hey hey everybody it is monday what a treat what a treat you're ready to kick off another week uh what a weekend i had man i went to a movie by accident i know it sounds silly but i went to a movie totally by accident i kind of uh i got lost

going to this movie. Let me explain. I'm driving down the highway, and I get behind this nice SUV, and on the headrest, in the back seat of the SUV, and this is at nighttime, so I can see right in the window, on the headrest is a little TV screen. I guess, like one of these little liquid digital flat screen TV screens,

and Pirates of the Carls of the Carls, Caribbean 2 is playing dead man's chest or whatever it is and I start watching it and watching it and watching it I'm getting into the movie and it's a three-hour movie and um when the credits roll at the end I'm in San Diego yeah I followed this SUV all the way down the highway for three hours because I got reeled into this movie it's I get caught up in it oh what an idiot what an idiot I am and then I didn't know where I was I got lost I'm driving all around I finally get back on the highway when it rains and pours I get in behind an escalade and there on the back seat they're playing over the hedge cute little cartoon I guess I got a soft spot for that stuff oh man I ended up in

Dallas Texas I couldn't stop watching the movie I no more movies for me Stop playing movies that I like on your SUV, because I want to get home. Show me that wild look in your eye, boy. Come on. Oh, we have so much work to do. And if that's not a problem enough, how about this problem? Everything happens in threes. Okay? Who came up with that saying?

Everything happens in threes. Does that mean you're destined? to be married three times, divorced three times. You know, are you going to get a raise three times? You're going to get a new job three times. I mean, how can you generalize? What about everything happens in fours or 12s or, you know, sevens? And a lot of times you hear that, this is what freaks me out, man.

a lot of times you hear everything happens in threes when two people die okay it's like whenever celebrities die it's like oh uh you know uh michael jackson died and Whitney Houston died and uh everything happens in threes man i mean uh who wants to put money on uh on samuel jackson huh anybody i'll take a hundred bucks on uh on uh kevin costner over here but it's scary because does as it ever happened in your world where family members or people you know in your circle of friends or whatever right maybe two people die and you're like wait a minute wait a minute jim died about three weeks ago okay and Carol died last week right so that means one more of us is going to go oh my Christ

I've got to get to 7-Eleven I mean doesn't it put you on edge a little whoever came up with that saying sure put the fear of God into me man I'm at the point where even if I don't know people like if I'm watching the news and it's like so-and-so died in Hawaii and some celebrity died here and some newscaster died or some politician died. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm next. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That Republican senator from Cincinnati died. Oh, my God. And down in Texas, down in Texas, that famous poet died. I'm next. Oh, my God. I've got to update my will. Call my family. Hello, mom, dad.

Yeah, I'm going to die. No, I don't know. I don't have any tumors. I don't have any leukemia. It's just two have died and I'm number three. Yeah. Well, everything happens in threes. What do you mean I have a third parent?

What? I've got two dads and a mom? What? Oh, no, everything happens in threes. I've got two dads and a mom. so i don't know man i wish that saying would go away it's almost it's almost like too uh prophetic or whatever whatever the word is is it prophetic i don't know i know i know rossy is going to call me on this one oh god i get mixed up with my words maybe i should be number three

um so hopefully hopefully as you're going about you're going about you your daily routine and a few people you know around you might have kicked the bucket. You know what? Just go put a life jacket on. Take some Bayer Aspirin. Renew your life insurance policy.

Go have a heart test because I don't want you to be number three. Maybe like number three million, but not number three. Who are you? The new number two. Who is number one? You are number six.

I am not a number. I am a free man. Hmm, this is delicious. What a yummy steak. Oh, I got to have another. What was that? Oh, what was that? Oh, it's like a thing in my...

Hold on a second. I've got like a piece of bone or something. Yeah, you've had that happen, right? You're out to dinner. Got a beautiful plate of food. Everything's going great. Having a great romantic conversation with your date. All of a sudden, your mouth just stops.

All right, what's with the mystery chunk? Yeah, there's something in your food that just doesn't belong there, right? A piece of bone in your hamburger meat. Oh, are the worst of all. You're eating scrambled eggs. Nice and soft and gooey. It's like pudding. Mm-mm-mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. Was that a piece of shell? And then it gets stuck in your molars, and you've powderized the eggshell. Oh. One of your favorite dishes, too. That's when it's the worst. When it's something you love.

A certain type of sandwich. You're just digging it. Wait a minute. What's that? Whoa, my God. You pull out like a hair. Or worse yet, like a whole wig. And it ruins that dish forever.

You can never go back to it. Thanks a lot, mystery chunk. Chew with your mouth closed, people. Keep it real. Real tasty here on the Harle. on highway. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship enterpriser.

five-year mission to seek out new life, to find strange new dimensioned universes, to boldly go where no man has gone before. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Kirk! Excuse me. Kurt, what are you doing in my studio? I am Captain James.

Stapley command of the USS Enterprise. No, you're not. I slipped out to get a can of Coke. Okay? I go down the hall to the cafeteria. I've been working hard on the podcast. I just did a bit about food chunks, and I was talking about,

I must interrupt, that's my theme song. No! It's five-year mission to... No, stop! You're not doing any theme song. Now, I was telling you, I was in the middle of a podcast. I go down the hall to get a Coke. I come back and you're sitting at my console.

I'm afraid this is the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. There's no five-year mission. How do you get in here? Roger! Why are you here? I'm here to tell the world. about my new Star Trek underbands. What?

I've created new underbands, stretchy black underbands that are filled with elasticity and can repulse. Repulse? Repel space beams. What? What do you? You're... Hold on. You broke into my studio.

The Bridge of the Starship Enterprise. No, my studio. Bridge of Starship Enterprise. My studio! Bridge this. My, you broke in here. So you can tell the world about your new Star Trek underpants? That is correct.

They're black. I know they're black and they're elastic and they're rubbery. And they're very, very tight. They're squishing my butt dogs together and pulling my testicles. Stop it. Stop it. Pulling my testicles up. Stop.

talking about your testicles. I must let the world know about my new black, elastic, tight, Star Trek, Underpass. No! No, no, no, no. This isn't the platform for this. Okay, this is a professional podcast studio. I find that hard to believe. Looking around, there's a sandwich on my console. It's not your console, and that's my sandwich.

egg salad sandwich all up right next to the phaserbeam switch i no it's not a phaser beam switch okay that's a volume knob i seriously doubt that i think i might have to get mr spock up here no you're not getting mr spock please come to the bridge spot no get you don't get out of here i can't even believe i'm entertaining this that i would waste one second of But, you know, I have listeners, Mr. Kirk, that's Captain James, Dick, Kirk, and the stunt. You don't have to tell us. I have listeners that I have a responsibility to. Get out.

Get out now. Thank you. Unbelievable. I must blast your egg salad sandwich. I must destroy your egg salad sandwich in my black tight underpants that squish my buttocks and raise my testicles. Get out. You hear that empty noise, that wind blowing through the emptiness. That's your bank.

Yeah, that's your bank. When was the last time you were in your bank? I don't know. Maybe you were there yesterday. I don't know, but how many? Many of you have not been in a bank for ages. Have you thought to think about it with the dawn of credit cards and ATM machines and debit cards? I mean, do you really go inside a bank anymore?

I mean, sure, some of you listening have probably been in a bank today or it could be in a bank right now. But for the majority of us, hey, everybody, who wants to have better, No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent to you. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code

Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. When was the last time you actually walked into a bank? Do you think anyone's even in there anymore? Do you think there's tellers standing there is there just like dust everywhere and spider webs and little critters running across the bank floor you know like creaking chandeliers and creaking floorboards maybe there's an old skeleton slumped over a desk right i mean people are doing all their banking online now and it's all computerized and digitized and internet monetized, if that's even a word.

I wonder if banks are just using up real estate now. It's kind of odd. When I was a kid, man, I used to go to the bank all the time. I remember that's all you could do. I remember I'd kick off my weekend. Friday afternoon or early Friday evening. I'd go stand in the line at the bank to get my 20 bucks out of my little account. I had a little savings account with a little passbook.

It looked like a passport. A little green book that said TD on the front of it. And it kept track of all my numbers. It was so simple back then, right? There was $458. And I'd go up to the little counter, and they'd have a deposit slip and a withdrawal slip. And I'd fill out the withdrawal slip.

$20. Here we go, weekend. Yeah, that's right. $20. man that was like a big good old-fashioned weekend 20 bucks are you kidding and walk up and there'd be a huge line i mean it was just like a donkey kong line back and forth back zigzag so like when you clear customs at the airport and uh my goodness you would stand there i would stand there for hours man you would stand there for you could stand there

for 20 minutes, half an hour, sometimes an hour, especially on a Friday. And you'd give him your little slip, and you'd interact with the teller, and she'd look at your ID, and you'd sign stuff, and then she'd, like, go back and verify your $20 withdrawal slip, and then she'd open her little drawer, and then she'd take your little book, your little bank book, right?

She'd shove it in a machine and be like, like, make a bunch of noise, and then would print out exactly what you had left and if you had any interest on your money you would be a separate little call me like oh $3.42 interest on your little savings account and even though it was a pain in the ass

it was kind of fun and it kind of felt like you were totally in control of your money and you're on top of it and the only person that ever dealt with your money was you and it was all in one spot And as much of a drag as it was, you never kind of willy-nilly just, like, walked up to an A.T.M machine and, ah, give me $250. Give me $400. Give me $100. Give me $80. Ah, just shove my card in. No, I don't want a receipt. No, don't keep track of it. Just give me, give me, give me.

Right? And you just kind of, you kind of lose track of it. So that's my question. When was the last time anyone was ever in a bank? I feel bad for bank robbers, man, right? They show up. They're like, okay, man, you got the guns. Yeah, you got the bag. Okay, you got the ski mass.

Okay, here we go. Ready on three? We burst in the door. We tell everyone to freeze, okay? One, two, three. Huh? What the? Hello?

Hello? Hello, anyone here, we need to be here for some money. Hello? We're trying to do a robbery. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, man.

No one here, man. What do you want to do? I don't know. You want to go get jobs or something and make some money? Yeah, I guess. Let's go. So there you go, man Maybe I'll go to the bank and cut out early today

Just to see if it's still freaking there Advanced token to the nearest railroad If you pass go, collect 200 If you land on the railroad and you do not own the railroad Pay the owner double the price of what the railroad is worth You gotta figure someone in the Trump family came up with Monopoly. I don't know if it was Daddy Trump or Granddaddy Trump.

That has Trump written all over it. You're playing a game for real estate. You're moving around the board. It has a little race car, a thimble, a little Scotty Terrier. Or a guy on a horse. So there's a battleship. And then you start buying a property. You snap it up everywhere you land.

Ooh, I got the electric company. Ooh, I got the waterworks. Ooh, I got Kentucky. I got New York. I got Ventnor. I got boardwalk. Huh? What?

Yeah, you heard me. I got the boardwalk. Yeah, not even Donald Trump, dare go on boardwalk. You couldn't go around that board three hundred times. You never land on the boardwalk. It's like you could own it. You could be the big hoity tooty, but no one ever comes to visit. You have a better chance owning Mediterranean and Baltic.

You know those two cheesy ones right on the other side of the boardwalk? You got the high end of town, the Beverly Hills, boardwalk people on one side, and then you pass go. And right on the other side of go is where all the scum lives. Yeah, that's the low rent district, baby. You put enough hotels on that sucker boy. You can take boardwalk down, slowly take over the neighborhoods, and the streets, and the town and the city and soon you're all in the whole world

and pretty soon you're God and you can do anything you want but everyone else is gone and you're all alone you've got to fold up the board and you're just a regular citizen here

on the Harland Highway Yatsy and speaking of games you ever play the game of trying to figure out what all the ports are in your computer. Have you ever looked on the side or in the back of your laptop or your tower or whatever you have? And you notice there's more holes in your computer than gopher holes at a golf course. It's like, oh, there's a hole.

Wait a minute. That's like a little rectangle. Okay. And there's one that's kind of an oval. shape and then there's one that's really long and has a bunch of little tiny little holes in it like pinholes and then over on the other side there's a couple of little round ones and then there's a slot and then there's four more rectangles and then there's a thing on the front and there's two on the back and oh my god there's more holes in my computer than you'll find in a Swedish

whorehouse that's that's not pretty so i have no idea what the all these damn holes do so today what we're going to do is we got the computer sitting here in the studio and i'm just going to i'm just going to start plugging stuff into them and see what happens let's let's try this one i'm going to let me try plugging this uh i'll put this USB cable into this hole here we go and Of course, a chainsaw. Okay. All right, enough of that.

Let me unplug that. Let me unplug that. Okay, so that little one has the chainsaw for my computer. How about this one? Okay. Yeah, a horse. Let me try this long one with all the little holes in it. I have no idea what this big, long one is.

Let me see here. Wait, let me do that again. I think I put it in crooked. Here we go. Let's try this one on the other side, this little rectangular one. Rectangular one. Oh, yes, yes. I love crack.

I'm absolutely cuckoo for crack. okay i obviously plugged that in wrong let me try this one more time here we go oh yes yes i love crack i'm absolutely cuckoo for crack all right i guess that was this is just crazy let's let's try one more and then i've had it i've had it with all the wires and the ports and my gizmos why do they call them a port shouldn't a ship come in or something let's let's do one more and then i'll never figure it out. Here we go. Let's try this one right on

the front side, right side. Here we go. Okay, and I'm done. I don't know what kind of hole that was, or port, but I'm done. I don't need to know

what these things do. Great. As long as I can send emails and play solitaire, that's all I need to know. Thank you. Computer. Oh, listen to that. You hear that ticking noise?

Sounds like you're in a haunted house. And the hollow hallways, there's an old grandfather clock ticking, echoing. It's getting louder and louder and louder. And you know why you're hearing that clock ticking like that? You know why? Because you just ordered some food. You ordered some delivery

You've been starving And you didn't want to cook You wanted to come home And just take it easy and relax And have some warm, delicious food Brought right to your front door And you ordered An hour and a half ago

They told you it would be there in 30 minutes 40 max And they're late And all you can here is that clock ticking. Where's my food? Tick, talk, tick

talk every second. It's making your stomach growl and get tighter and tighter. And there it is. You don't care anymore. There's your food. Yay! And just like that, Nothing matters anymore.

You're going to gobble that stuff down like a werewolf eating through a pack full of British housewives. Happy eating, people. It's time to munch here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, it is time to munch. It's time to go get my eat on. Oh, man. What a wonderful podcast we had today, if I do say so myself, Mr. Williams. Well,

Oh, Charles. Oh, Nelson. Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, good times. Good times indeed. Hope you had a good time. I know I did. Covered a lot of ground today, man. And tell your friends and family.

Give us a call. at 323 739, 43330 is our hotline. You can leave a message. Or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com. And while you're there, check out our store, the Harland Williams online store, all kinds of great merch for you there. And pick us up on Stitcher Radio.

That's right. Stitcher Radio is a free app for your cell phone. And you can download that and listen to the Harland Highway, wherever you may be. And speaking of wherever you may be, I don't know why I'm saying it like that, where you may be, if you happen to be in Pittsburgh, April 27th, 28th, and 29th, check me out at the Pittsburgh Improv Comedy Club.

I will be doing stand-up live and also a little bit of sketch comedy. That's like a double whammy show. and you can get your tickets from improv.com. Just click on the Pittsburgh link. And that's April 27, 28, and 29. Hope we see you there, man. And you know what? I'm going to get my food and guess what I ordered.

You'll never guess what I ordered. That's right. A great big bowl of chicken. Chow, Maine, baby! Seth, I understand. In behalf of us all, we thank you.