The Harland Highway - 390: A VISIT WITH MY BOSS MR. FEATHERSTONE, CHEST HAIR, NEW MOVIE ANNOUNCEMENT

Episode Date: April 19, 2012

Weird stuff, news about my latest movie, coffee cops, owning a fish tank, chest hairs, and a visit with my boss Mr. Featherstone. Sweet sliced up pizza slices!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

But a bing, but a boom. Yeah, I said it. I meant it. And the weird thing is, I don't even know what I meant. But that's common here on the Harland Highway. Hello, everybody. I am Harland Williams, your host for the next, for the rest of your life. I'm just your life host.

And we have a podcast to do today. What a treat. Lots of fun. informative wacky stuff the wacky and the wild actually that's how we're going to kick it off today with the wacky and the wild a bunch of amazing incredible facts that you probably weren't aware of they're all true and we're going to go through a list of the wild and the wacky also i'm going to tell you a little about my new movie that i just finished uh had a blast we'll talk about that um chest hair we're going to talk about my delicious

chest hair, yum, fish tanks, do you have one? Do you think maybe you should go drown yourself in it for having one? I don't know. We're going to talk about that. And coffee cops, not shops, cops. Are you a coffee cop? We're going to find out. And then lastly, I have a visit to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone.

I hope it's good news right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Yes. I am. I am a human being G.D. Welcome, everybody. I hope you're human beings to G.D. You know what the G.D. means, right? Okay. Just so we're clear. Great to have you here. Great to be back. Okay. I have been away. I have been away for over a month. I was shooting a new movie, and, man, I am jazzed about this movie. It was a great, great movie. We were shooting in Evansville, Indiana, which is a city south of Indianapolis.

Evansville is right down by the bottom of Indiana. And we kind of took over this little town called Evansville, and it was a blast. The movie's called Old Days, Old Days. And it's with myself, a comedian you all know and love, a guy named Nick Swartson, who you've seen in a bunch of Adam Sandler movies. Sarah Colonna, who's a regular on the Chelsea Handler show. Isaiah Mustafa.

who's been in a bunch of movies like Dodge Ball and stuff like that. You might know him better as the big handsome African-American guy from the Old Spice commercials where he's riding a horse one minute and then he's, you know, surfing the next. And then the lead in the movie, a gentleman you all know and love, a guy named Michael Rosenbaum.

He played Lex Luthor in Smallville, the bald guy, and he also played in a movie I did called Sorority Boys. He was one of the other stars, my co-star and sorority boys, dressed up like a girl. And he also has a role in my indie movie, Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face, Fudgy-Wudge-Fage Face, which, by the way, you can download on Amazon for very cheap, or you can buy in the web store and get an autograph,

but he also has a role in Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face. He plays Carly Carl. And this movie was a movie about a guy that goes back for his class reunion. He's moved to the big city and he decides to go back to his small town. And when he goes back, he kind of rekindles all the events that happened when he was in high school. He reunites with all his troublemaker buddies and they start egging. the principal's house. He starts reconnecting with the girls that he had a crush on and dated when he was in high school.

So a lot of fun stuff that everyone can relate to. And just a lot of funny scenes, a lot of funny dialogue. And I don't have a release date yet, but that's what I've been up to for the last probably about a month and a half almost. and that movie just wrapped and so here I am back in the studio doing the podcast from the studio and I'll give you more updates on the movie Old Days

as we go along it hopefully will be out later this year and if not I'm sure it'll be early next year but I will keep you up to date on old days and there you go So enough of that, let's get right to the wacky and the wild. I've got a bunch of weird facts here that I was not aware of. And I don't know that any of you would be aware of these,

but maybe you are, maybe you're smarter than me, and that's not hard to be, really. It really isn't. Harland, what's nine times eight? Well, you know what? I don't know. Okay? I could figure it out.

about three, four minutes, or I can count on my fingers. I can't tell you right off the top of my head. I'm sure most of you know what nine times eight is. Thank you. I rest my case. Why did I just rest my case that I was stupider than everyone else? That in itself is stupid. So there you go.

Oh, idiot. But this goes beyond me. These are weird and wild and wacky facts. and I'm going to read them to you and I think some of this stuff is fascinating so let's go give me some weird wacky wild facts music and let's go through these

yeah here we go number one did you know that a shrimp's heart is in its head well if a shrimp's heart is in its head where the hell's its brain in its butt I'm not sure I even knew

a shrimp had a heart and I don't even know if a shrimp has a head. What is a shrimp? They're like curled up little rubbery. I don't know. Okay. A shrimp's heart is in its head. So I guess if it gets a headache, it gets a heartache at the same time.

I don't know. How about this? Rats. We all love rats, don't we? Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. that's scary kind of reminds me of humans doesn't it yeah what are we at now seven billion isn't it funny how we cringe and we think oh my god rats multiply so quickly in 18 months

they could have over a million descendants well have you looked at the human race lately yeah seven billion humans pass the cheese will you uh how about this wearing you headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. So what does that mean? I'm wearing headphones right now. I wear headphones when I do my podcast. What do I? I take these off and there's like a little spongy like taffy candy in my ear. Ooh, look at this. Giant blob of bacteria. Oh, it's like salt water tapy. I say. Bring the kids. Let's have some Saltwater taffey. How about this?

In every episode of the Seinfeld show, there is a Superman somewhere. I didn't know that. I wasn't a hardcore Seinfeld fan, but it was a good show. I did not know there was a Superman somewhere in the show. Maybe now I have to go watch every single episode. What is that superhero thinking? Did you know that a duck's quack doesn't echo and nobody knows why? That is kind of weird, isn't it?

Although I think I heard one Affleck commercial where that damn duck fell off of a clip and he was like, Amflak! I'm pretty sure I heard it echo. Or is the Affleck duck a goose? I don't know. Does a goose's quack echo? I guess they'll never be able to yodel. How about this for the ladies and maybe some cross-dressers out there?

Most lipstick contains fish scales. Ew. Guys, next time you're making out with your girl. Uh, baby, did you just eat some cat food? No, why? I don't know. Your breath smells like ground up fish meat. Oh, kiss me.

Let's French. No, thanks. I'm busy. I'm going to go get some sushi. How about this wild and wacky fact? Like fingerprints, everybody's tongue print is different. How about that? Next time you get arrested, they make you lick an ink blotter.

And then lick a piece of paper. Yes, we need your tongue print, Mr. William. It's Williams. Yes, I know. I was just testing you. We need your tongue print. What do you want me to do? just lick this ink pad here what just lick it now press your tongue against this rice paper

like are there any people out there that commit crimes with their tongue we've found the weapons sir yes his tongue prints were all over the loaded gun it's got to be him all right guilty uh how about this if you sneeze this one's scary this one's scary this one's scary because I think we've all done this one and I did not know this if you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib and if you

try to suppress a sneeze you could rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die I think I just figured out why they say God bless you after you sneeze it's like oh God bless you you again you're lucky to be alive

I always wondered what the whole god bless you thing was now now i get it uh here's one that's not pretty if you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out i don't know that one i might question that one isn't isn't your eye aren't your eyes anchored by like your blood vessels and veins and tissue i'm picturing someone's like i'm watching tom and jerry cartoons all of a sudden are itchy and scratchy A set of eyeballs pop out and bounce down the stairs. I don't know about that one. Now here's one, and I don't know who did this study, but somebody did it, and God bless them.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, it's a long study, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I wonder how many research dollars went into that. uh sir i've been out here uh 45 years and i'm just not seeing it well keep going keep watching let's put in a good 80 years and call it quits uh sir i've already looked at 150,000

ostriches and i'm tired that's okay just keep watching uh here's a weird one i'm not sure if i understand this one but uh you know it's on this sheet so it must be true All of these you could maybe look up on Google to verify. This is a very, very odd one. Okay? I might challenge this one, but I don't know. It's so odd, it might be real. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

What? Are their heads too fat? I know they're chubby. Hey, man, what's that noise? I don't know, man Something hovering over us Why don't you look? Well, I can't Why don't you look? I can't

Affleck Kind of bizarre Here's one A pregnant goldfish is called a twit Okay Well then I have a lot of friends that are pregnant goldfishes because I know a lot of twits

that's insulting man I wouldn't I wouldn't walk into a pet shop and say that so go oh look at the twit look at the twit goldfish jumps up up yours buddy now this one's kind of bizarre considering

the cell phone revolution but I guess if you think it down like I said early 7 billion people And you got to remember, not everyone lives in America or Canada or has money in their pocket. So check this one out. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Isn't that wild?

I mean, if you think of people that live out in the desert and in impoverished countries and remote civilizations, people in the rainforests, people in the rainforests, people out in the middle of Africa. I mean, there's probably poor people in America that have never done it. Isn't that wild? That is wild, wacky stuff. And here's the last one. Let's try this one. And this one, you're just kind of stupid.

Or you have a bad diet or you need to get out. and have something to eat. On average, a hundred people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. And that is why I have a laptop computer and I type all my letters. But knowing me, uh-huh, I'm the type of guy that would choke on a laptop.

Let's hope not. Approach the dangerous octopus underwater, knowing that at any moment it could poison us with its venomous bite at 20,000 leagues under the sea. Remember that guy, Jacques Cousteau? The underwater explorer guy? Oh, man. Swimming around. Poisonous fish. The reason I bring it up is I got a fish tank.

I got a fish tank with some tropical fish. And man, is that exciting? Oh, my God. I threw my TV in the garbage. Yeah, now that I have a fish tank. Oh, my God, to sit there and watch a guppy go from over here to over there a foot and a half? Oh, the hours of enjoyment. To see it swim from the top of the tank down near the bottom?

Oh, my God, that is edgy. Wow. What the hell? is a fish tank, man. I think it's more fun watching spaghetti boil, man. At least there's some movement fish. They just kind of float there. They're like, they're hanging. It's like watching clouds go by. Well, I think I'll swim over there. Okay, nothing going on over here. I think I'll swim back to that side that I just came from. And then I'll go back over to that side. And then I'll go back over to that side.

Oh, my God. Fish tank, man. I swear I'd have more fun staring at a wall, watching it disintegrate through the centuries. I don't know. I feel sorry for you, fish. Get some water skis, buy a motorboat. Do something, man.

You're boring the hell out of me. Just talking to you about you is boring me. You're boring all my listeners. So we're out of here. We're going to a commercial. We'll be right back on land on the Harlan Highway. We have better movie tonight, huh? Wow, what's that aftershave you're wearing?

You high karate after shave is so powerful. It drives women right out of their minds. That's why we have to put instructions on self-defense in every package. High karate, the brisk splash on after shave that smooths and soothes and cools. High karate, after shave, cologne, and gift sets. Hi, karate, be careful how you use it. Let me ask you something. Are you people listening, are the pavement pounders, any of you members of the police force?

Or any of you cops? Are any of you undercover cops? Well, maybe you are and you don't know it. There's a different kind of cop out there. these days and i think you might be it let me explain won't you please okay thank you're welcome shut up uh how many of you go to the starbucks or you know the coffee bean or Pete's coffee or you know these fancy coffee shops all of you answer is all of you and uh how many of you have you have gone to the car and you put the coffee up on the roof of the car right over the driver's side.

The same way cops do, when you see them in the movies, they're driving down the street and they're chasing a guy and they're in a regular car. It's not a cop car, but they're undercover, so they pull out a little light and they plop it on the top of the roof and it starts flashing. It's got a magnet on it, right? and they're just like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, right? And they're peeling along. And how many times have you seen people put that coffee cop right up on top of their roof,

right where that police siren, police light would go, and they forget it, and they drive away? And suddenly they're like the Starbucks police. They look like they've got Like the little siren there But it's a Frape Grande Chino Pape or whatever the hell they call them And suddenly you get a guy going down the street Or a lady going down the street

They look like they're with the Starbucks police force Woo Woo! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! over your cars you need a coffee this is the coffee police why aren't you driving with a mucca latte frappuccino in your hands pull over that's a two hundred dollar fine and four demerit points your insurance is going up pal okay i'm the starbucks coffee police

It just looks so funny, man. And then, you know, ultimately they pick up a little speed and overgoes their little cup of coffee and now they got like a big coffee turd all over their car. So keep your eyes peeled, folks, for the Starbucks police force. In fact, why don't you check your car before you go out Because you just might be a member of the force Hi, can I get a Frappuccino, latte, froth, cranberry, Fliflino, please?

Ow, okay, you know what that was? I just pulled out a chest hair, man. And I don't have a lot of them. But that hurts. That hurts when you rip out a chest hair, baby. Why aren't we smooth? We don't live in trees anymore. I guess it's kind of sexy.

I like that chest hair right in the middle, like right in my chest bone plate. Right in my cleavage? Yeah, that's right. I got cleavage. What's up, player? Daddy's got some cleavage. Whoops, I dropped a coin down my cleavage. a daisy which all mind reaching down there and get my coin out yeah you wish you keep your hands out of

my cleavage it's hairy in there man i feel like i should be like nursing a little baby koala or something here little guy you can nestle in my hairy patch some people think it's sexy i think the ladies like it i think they like to snuggle in it at night it's like a hairy sleeping bag or a i don't I don't know. I think what they really like is they think they're sleeping on their dog or on their cat. You know, girls like to snuggle with their pets. So when they're sick of you, they just superimposed their dog into your chest hair. I guess chest hair is sexy, but with men, it gets a little weird. It starts to spread out.

You know what I'm talking about, guys. Open your shirts and take a look at your little ring around the rosy. Those hairs that kind of circle your nipples. Hmm? Yeah. The Indians coming in off the plains and circling the wagon. You've got these bizarre hairs circling our nipples. Looks like we got two yak butt holes growing on our chest.

I don't know. It's disgusting, but, you know, it's things we've got to talk about. You ever been with a girl? Where's the hair coming out of the nipples? Oh. And you don't catch it because it's dark and you're fumbling around. And it isn't until you're doing what you do. and you start to think, wait a minute, I don't have a mustache. I shave, wait a minute, what

are these long hairs on my upper lip? Oh, oh, oh, whoa, I've got to go. I've got to get some just for men and go. I feel all creepy and cold. I think I'll curl up in my chest and warm up. get myself a hairy starfish. Well, here I go up to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone. I guess he wants to meet with me about something. I hope it's good news. I always try to remain optimistic. I was kind of an unexpected call that I got.

I was sitting at the convent. uh preparing some bits and uh i got the call from his secretary and i'm right outside my boss's office here on the eighth floor mr featherstone oh and here i go i'm going in uh hello uh mr featherstone sir hey how you doing have a seat right here thank you sir yeah sit down uh thank you well this was unexpected. Yeah, kind of like your mother's pregnancy with you. What was that? Sit down and shut up. Well, sir, you sound a little hostile. Well, why wouldn't I be? Your ratings are in the toilet. Now, they're not that bad, sir. Oh, yeah? What was the last time you went to the toilet? I don't know this morning. Well, I hope you looked down in it because that was your ratings

you flushed. Now, sir, that's a little harsh. So is your ass. So is your ass. Acne. Well, I don't have acne. Well, what? I have a nice complexion. I'm not here to talk about your complexion or your skin problems. I don't have skin problems, sir. Don't raise your voice to me. I'm sorry, Mr. Featherstone. It's just that you, you, I want. It's just you, sometimes you aggravate me. Oh, I aggravate you. You're the one with the low ratings, and I aggravate you. All right, sir, I don't want to get into a fight. You bet your hairy acne covered ass you don't want to get in a fight. Sir, I don't have acne. Uh-huh.

What does that mean? Uh-huh. Sir, let me ask you something. Yes, sir. Have you ever farted on a pine tree? What? Have you ever farted on a pine tree? Why would I fart on a pine tree?

Because it mixes in with all the sats. and it smells good. Sir, this is ridiculous. Oh, you're ridiculous. Now, we've got to get your ratings up. You're going out the back door. Well, wait a minute, sir. Come on.

I'm a growing podcast. I'm trying to, you know, claw my way through the competition. Well, you better grow some fingernails like a cherry, uh, cherry, uh, chery, uh, porno actress. A what? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. A porno actress?

Well, maybe you don't, because you're always out there fooling around with all your guys. Excuse me? You know, rolling around in the olive oil with your guy friends. Sir, I don't have... I don't roll around in the olive oil with guys. Yeah. Excuse me, sir? Yeah.

Wow, this is... You just shut up. Here's what we're going to do. Have you ever heard the term sex cells? Yes, sir. That's a very common term. Yeah, well, there's no sex on your show. Well, sir...

No, don't know, sir, me. You shut your acne-riddled face. I don't have acne, sir. Listen, I'm calling the shots here. You're going to sex up your show. How am I supposed to do that? Have you ever heard this song? Girls just want to have fun?

Yes, it's a huge hit from the 80s or something. Exactly. Okay, what's that got to do with sexing up the show? Well, we're going to change one of the lyrics. I don't think that's legal, sir. Don't tell me what's legal. I used to be a lawyer. Okay?

Yes, sir, wow. Don't wow me. You say that for your guy friends. What guy friends? Uh-huh. Sir! Yeah. Sir, shut up.

Here's what we're going to do. Girls just want to have fun, right? You know the song? Yes, I said I did. Well, you're going to change the word fun and put in a new word. Okay, what are we putting in? You're going to put in the word when people have sex. Excuse me?

What do you call it when people have intercourse? Intercourse? No, no, there's a street word. Sir, I'm not going to say that. You're going to say it in front of me right now. It starts with F. Sir, listen. I told you.

Okay. Fuck. There you go. Now, you're going to change out the word. Girls just want to have fun. And you're going to put that word in there. No, no, no, no, no, no, sir. I am not.

You're going to start singing right now. I'm recording this. Sir, no. You want a pink slip? You want your little podcast? toboggin ride to be over no I don't sir well it's about to be over okay winter's coming to an end and the snow's about to melt on your little toboggin ride sir don't call it a toboggin ride don't tell me what to call it your toboggin ride just about over

now you get a sing this or what yes sir I will And you're going to put in the F word. Yes. All right. On three, one, two, three. I come home in the morning light. My mother says, when you're going to live your life right? Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.

And girls, they want to have fox. That's right. Keep going. Oh, girls just. Wanna have... Sing it. Fox. Keep going. This is good. Sex cells. The phone rings in the middle of the night.

My father yells, what you're gonna do with your life. Oh, daddy dear, you know, you're still number what? Sir, are you sure? Keep singing. But girls, they want to have... You know it. Fuck. That's right. Keep going. oh girls just want to have that's all they really want some fuck that's right no that's it

sir i can't do this you're going to keep going sir this is not right it's rude it's offensive to women i don't like to swear it's sexist it's degrading it's demoralizing and you're going be fired when the working day is done oh girls they want to have fuck oh girls just want to fuck sir i got to go i don't feel well where are you going i just got to go i'm not well you come back here and finish singing i i've got to go sir where you going hold on all right you know what you're in luck there goes my telephone get the hell out of here And we're going to finish this up later. Oh, my God.

Saved by the bell. What did you say? Nothing, sir. I'll see you later. By the way, before you go, you ever fought on an Oktoberfest beer made? What? Get out of here. We'll finish this later.

And remember, girls just want to have... Fox? Get out of here. You did a good job. Goodbye, Mr. Featherstone. Get out of here. Wow. Wow, quite the crotchety old cremungent. I just got to apologize.

You know, to all my female listeners, to any listener, male, female, young, old. To have to be put through that, to sing, girls just want to have F. I'm not even going to say it I was just humiliating there's days when I wonder why I do this podcast why I put up with it you know it's like thank God that I

I got you folks you're my backbone of the pavement pounders my listeners I do this I do this for you and here you get to witness some of the real trials and tribun I go through. This isn't easy. Doing this podcast is not a cakewalk. There's a lot of stuff I have to deal with behind

the scenes. And you just heard what I had to go through there. But I don't care. I'm a warrior. I'm a survivor. I'm a knight. And I'm charging through the battleground. And we're going to do this. We are going to overcome and we're going to keep the ratings going up. And I'm going to do whatever it takes. If sometimes I have to do that little song and dance, okay? It's not my idea. They force me. And again, my, a million apologies.

Just despicable, viable, not even viable, vile, is what I'm trying to say. I should go smoke a vial of hash oil is what I should do after that. So let's put that behind us. Outside of that, I felt like we had a really good podcast today. A lot of fun. And thank you again for being here. Don't let that deter you from being here. Keep coming back.

Tell your friends. Tell them that girls just want to have fun, F-U-N, and guys want to have fun. And everyone has fun here on the podcast. That's not the word I want to use. It's fuck. Stop. Get out of here. Don't tell me to get out of here.

own the place. Sir, please. Thank you. You know what? We're ending it. I'm ending the show. I need to, I need a moment. I need a whole couple of days. Wow. So here we go. We're in spring and I guess who's coming to Pittsburgh. I am going to be in Pittsburgh at the Improv, April 27th, 28th, and 29th. Get your tickets. Go to Improv.com, and we usually do a really good business there, so make sure you get your tickets well in advance. And we're going to be doing some improv.

My opener, Sean Tweedley, will be there. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy and some improv sketch comedy. It's like a double show. It'll be a blast. Hello. And then don't forget, you can listen to the Harlan Highway on Stitcher Radio, which is a great app on your phones. You can subscribe to the highway on there.

And don't forget to check out Harlow Williams.com. You can write me there. You can phone me at 323-739-4-3-3-0. is my phone number. Leave a message if you so desire. And check out the store, the online store at harlom williams.com. Lots of cool merchandise there for you to get your claws into. Hello.

And that's it, man. That's all we got. I got an exciting announcement coming up next show regarding my book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know. and we'll just leave it right there for now and until next time everybody chicken chow main

baby baby Oh, girls, if you want to find out.