The Harland Highway - 391: HARLAND'S LIVE STAND UP, ZOO GUY VISITS WITH ANIMALS

Episode Date: April 23, 2012

Hear Harland going toe to toe with a live crowd, a peek into the dictionary, are you getting old, book announcement, a visit from the Buffalo zoo with live animals in studio. Curl up my burlap!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A Lord de Tundra, Jesus, bye. Hey, do you like animals? I hope you like animals, because we have a visitor coming today. This is great. I love nature. I love animals, and we have the guy who runs the Buffalo Zoo is coming in. He's bringing some critters in with them, and I'm very excited about that. And I'm very excited about this.

I have a great new announcement about my book. The things you don't know you don't know, way to you hear. I hope it works out in your favor. And then I'm going to be getting into the dictionary, showing you my ability to think. And then because it went over so well a few podcasts back, I'm going to be inserting some live stand-up of me doing live stand-up, working with the crowd, having a blast. and you know I got really good feedback when I put some of that into the podcast a while back

and so because you liked it so much I got some more I think you can have a lot of fun with a bunch of East Indian guys that were in the crowd and lastly I hate to say this but I'm something on my body is starting to show its age I'm embarrassed to even talk about it but I guess I'm getting older but you're never too old the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is

failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee.

God damn it! Hey, hey, hey, everybody. It's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. I don't know if you can hear that noise in the background. I sure can, and my guest can. I am here with Cal Terrington from the Buffalo Zoo from up in New York. He's dropping by with a little critter here. Cal, welcome to the Harland Highway.

Yes, thank you very much. What have you brought us today? It sounds like a frog or a toad or something. Well, let's not make any mistake. It is a frog. It's a Mexican burrowing frog. And many people confuse frogs and toads because of their webbed feet and their shape. So it's a frog, and it's an interesting color.

It's black. and it's got these wonderful orange spots. They're just almost fluorescent. And they're speckled all over his black body. And just a wonderful pattern that this burrowing toad will use that to distract would be predators who might want to eat him or consume him. So where do they live? Well, Harland, it is a Mexican burrowing frog, so I think that tells us something.

Okay? Well, I mean, yeah, I know, but I mean, there's people have dogs like Australian Ridgebacks or British bulldogs, and they're not necessarily. Well, Harland, I don't know if you took geography classes or what, but this is a Mexican burrowing frog. So, yes, they do come from Mexico, and they like to burrow in the ground, and they wait for heavy rains to come, Harlan. Just pounding, heavy rains, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding. Just pounding. Okay, okay, I get it. And what, the frogs re-emerge when the rains come?

Yeah. And feel the texture of its skin, Harlan. Just smooth and silky, almost like a latex. Ooh, that is kind of, it's shiny and kind of sticky. Yeah, it's very sticky. This is cool. So Cal Tarrington from the Buffalo Zoo. Thank you for coming in.

I'm not done Well, we're out of time I'm not done really We'll have cow back on another day Feel that latex, darling With more of his amazing animals Just rub that skin back and forth Listen to the sound it makes

From the Buffalo Zoo Here on the Harland Highway What are you doing later Okay, we're done Do you want to burrow We're done Okay, I I got to get to this.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm so excited Charles Nelson Riley. Oh, ho. I'm shaking off the creepy zoo guy. And I got some exciting news. I can't contain it.

It's going to wait to the end of the show. But I'm not. My book, my wonderful book, the things you don't know, you don't know, that's filled with incredible facts crazy, crazy facts. Like, did you know

that if you drive an infinity you will never come home? That's just one of them. I mean, this book is full of things you don't know, you don't know. But here's why I'm excited. The book is now on sale for $1.99

digitally. You can digitally download the book that's cheaper than it's ever been if you have an iPhone or an iPad or a pod iPod or any type of phone or iPad or I've just said it twice oh oh oh I'm too excited I'm excited for many reasons one because that we're able to get the price down so low on the book and that means more people can get their hands on it and i'm excited because i love the book it's full of funny stuff and i hope it brings you lots of laughter um so check it out in the ibook store uh if you go to uh my facebook page you can see a link there i just put an announcement up uh and i'll put another one up it's uh facebook facebook dot com back splash official

Harland Williams. And you can get on the link or get on the link on my Twitter account at Harlan Williams. And by the way, if you haven't joined my Twitter account, get on there, man. I send like crazy stuff out almost every day. You know, in the middle of the day you'll be in a meeting or you'll be doing something all of a sudden, blip! And there's a goofy thing from me. A lot of nutty pitchers I put out there.

So very excited. Tell your friends. Pick up the book. The things you don't know, you don't know. Digital download. And I'm super excited. $1.99. So enjoy. And there you go. I had to let that one out. And now let's get back to the show. Hopefully the zoo guy is gone. Hi, Harlan. Oh, God. Hey, you're rolling down the Harland Highway with me, Harland Williams, and it is time, people. Yes, listen to this. That is my dictionary. It is time again for me to show you what a brainiac I am.

For those of you that think old Harley's a dumb dumb. I go into the dictionary, unscripted. I pick a word, just randomly, like throwing a dart on a map, and just watch the magic. Watch what I do as I put that word in a sentence, okay? I don't know if any of you can do what I do, but I do what I do. Here we go. I'm opening it up. I'm pointing to the word today is Pennsylvania.

That's not a tough one. after William Penn or his father, Wooded Land, Middle Atlantic State of the N.E. U.S. One of the 13 original states. Listen to this. Population 11,882,000, capital Harrisburg. Okay. Now we know about it. Let's see if I can put it into a sentence.

Ah, here we go. Oh, boy. I went to Pennsylvania and had fun. I did it. Wow. How did I do that? How did I do that? I put it into a sentence. I think we learned two things today, people. We learned a lot about Pennsylvania, and we learned that when it comes to putting things into a sentence, I can be a real lame ass. If you can do any better, meet me in Pennsylvania. you, baby, and we'll go toe to toe. And speaking of going toe to toe to toe, I promised you folks that I would start dropping

in more of my live shows, my stand-up comedy shows. And here's a clip of me doing some live stand-up in Pasadena, California, at a club called the Ice House, and here's me going toe to toe to. I just started the show. I was talking about helping the poor kids in the community, and I decided to kick off the show by getting to know the crowd a little, and as fate would have it, there were these wonderful East Indian guys sitting right in the front row.

There was like five of them side by side. They were having a riot, and I decided to ask them their names and where they work, and all this stuff, and I just went toe-to-to-to with these great guys from East India who were visiting the United States. So here it is, Harlan Williams, toe-to-to-to with East India. Poor kids, I saw a few of them in the cobblestone streets of old Parsadena, and not the new area, the old.

and these kids are out in the streets folks shivering in the night I saw one of them wrapped in a moldy old blanket I saw another one using a loafer for a pillow and this is the worst part guy and I know you're with me on this I saw four kids huddled beside a dumpster ladies and gentlemen behind Denny's

and I'll be God's child of wine these kids were gnawing on it looked like a it had to be a Cape Buffalo femur or something and they were just scraping the pieces

of meat off of that thing so before I get going I got an act here folks. Don't sit here and look at me like you just sucked a koala's fucking nostril hair out of his nose. Let's give a round to the kids and then let's

get into the routine. Give those poor kids around. Let's get the kids around, man. Let's start to care this year. Here's comes a waitress, folks. She's got some tall drinks and what a shoulder

that woman has. I don't know how many of you men in the crowd are into scapulas, but hello. We got us some hot scapula over here. So let's get to know the crowd of it, because this is fun, guy. That's why we're here. We're all here to have a giggle, huh? Over here, ma'am, over here, sir? We're having a giggle.

What's your name, sir, right up front? Here we go, gang. Sir, doing a show? Right here. Talking to a guy. Move the fuck out. Sir, what's your name? Right here, partner.

And let's get real nice and loud so the people in the back with the burnt frostbitten curly toes can hear. What's your name, guy? Saki. What is it, buddy? Saki.

Saki. Holy shit. What a... That is the coolest name I've ever heard, man. Your last name's not me off, is it? Suck of me off, right here. Can you imagine his poor father calling him in for dinner? Suck of me off.

Suck of me off immediately. get in here sucking me off and who are you sir blow me this is my sister cunnelingus over here what's that buddy get his name Okay, thanks, director.

Nice to have fucking Scorsese in the front row, how little buddy? You're a fun guy. What's your name, partner? This will be fun. What is it? Ricky. Well, not a big fucking payoff there, sir.

Thanks for fucking up the show early. It's because I get this guy's name. Ricky. What's that, buddy? Try it again. Okay, fucking Coppola. Try it again. What's your names?

They're nice and loud so I can hear you, buddy, huh? Guy. Vicky! With a V! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Now, I'm not Pokemon, but we're in reality right now, but where are you from, guy? You're from India. And are you aware? And this isn't a cut. I'm not taking a pop at this guy. Because he's a tourist. He's a tourist. in our town. You're visiting, aren't you, buddy? So this isn't a jab. We love the Indians here. In fact, they used to own this country. But just so you know, in case you get a strange reaction

from people around town, you know, Vicki's a woman's name here in North America. Are you familiar with that? So let me ask you this. Over in India, do you have girls named Larry? This fun suck me off and Vicky, huh?

It's like a new sitcom on NBC, isn't it? This fall, suck me off in Vicky. Now this is good stuff, so you're visiting from India, huh? What part of India do you live in, my friend, Vicki? What is it? Near Mumbai. Sure, and what street, buddy?

What street do you on, Vicki? Nice and loud so all the folks can hear. This is fun for us. We don't get to talk to Indians very often. wonderful treat for all of us here in poor Sedina. Now, what street are you on, Vicky? Vicki, the fucking name of your street. It's called Malapata. Sure, what number?

Because I'm at 18. Where are you? This is great to have you here. Unbelievable. What a treat. And how long have you been here, buddy? Two weeks, maybe. Time to lose the fake fucking accent. Now, what do you do over in India, Vicky? You're a programmer.

Excellent. So you have a television? And what do you do, suck me off? What do you do, my funny, funny little friend? What? You do almost the same thing, so no point in one of you being born, really. Now, are you with Vicky and suck me off, buddy? And what's your name, my friend?

What is it, buddy? Hello. I'm asking you, what's your fucking name? Who are you, sir? Hello? Hello. You imagine someone yelling for these two, suck me off, hello. All right, I love that name, unbelievable, huh?

What do you say to people when you're leaving? Five. And your name? my friend. What is it? Shit. Shit. Someone's playing a big fucking practical joke on you guys. Might be time to move to America, all right.

Well, welcome. What a wonderful treat. wonderful treat. Good to have here. What do you do shit? What's that? He does shit. Where do you work, my friend? And I've got an act to do, folk. Don't get me wrong. There's going to be an act here in just about 20, 25 minutes. All right, so there you go. Old Harley having some yucks with the folks in the crowd. And yes, I did eventually get to my act. That's the part of stand-up I love, man. It's just going out on the wire and not knowing where it's going,

not knowing what anyone's going to say, not knowing if anyone's going to laugh. And that excites me. I mean, the whole process of getting up there and doing stand-up excites me. But I got to say, when I improv with the crowd, It's half like elation because I'm having so much fun And it's half terror because I'm like, oh my God

This could bomb at any second So if you guys like it, I'll keep dropping in little bits from some of my shows And keep you folks giggling, I hope. And speaking of old Harley, speaking of getting old And speaking of being able to make fun of myself, as much as I kind of poke fun at people at my shows. How about this? And I don't even want to talk about this.

I don't even know why I brought it up. But this is my podcast. I tell you guys just about everything. It's very revealing. But, you know, as I'm getting older, for the first time in my life, I looked at myself and I saw a piece of my body that I went, Ooh, wait a minute.

That looks a little bit old. And it was a weird part of my body, and it kind of comes and goes, I noticed. It kind of depends on how I'm sitting. It depends on the time of day. But what it is, it's my neck. The lower part of my neck, I can see the elasticity in my skin is just a little bit faded. and you know I don't have wrinkles I don't have a wrinkly face I've got a smooth complexion and my body's in good shape at least I think it is oh oh but I just noticed

that I'm like oh my god that that's neck skin's looking old and for the first time of my life I got a little self-conscious about being old not that I'm old but but you know our body's age and I'm like oh my god I got old neck skin. And I don't know if you've followed Ellen DeGeneres' career, but there was a time there where, you know, she's got a youthful face, youthful energy, youthful vibrance. But there was a time for a while there where her neck, her lower neck, just below the Adams apple, kind of where that little kind of indentation is, right beside the sandwich between your tendons and just above your chest plate. There's that little kind of shelf right there.

And Ellen DeGeneres for a while, it just looked really wrinkly and old. I think she got some surgery done to tighten it up. But it was like she looked 30 and her neck looked like 122. Like she was kind of youthful and had that cute little haircut. And then her throat looked like the throat from that old bag from the Titanic. Remember the old bag who stood on the... I'll never forget the Titanic. It was 1342 when I first laid eyes on Jack.

Oh, excuse me. So anyways, my neck isn't as bad as that, but a little bit. And it was just weird, because like I said, I'm like, good Lord. What the hell is it? I'm not getting old. My neck's not allowed to get old. So it was kind of freaky. It's kind of creepy and I didn't like it.

I still don't like it. I'm not going to get surgery. I'm one of these guys that as I just get old. I'm going to get old. What am I ashamed to be alive? Am I ashamed of my existence? Am I ashamed of my physical existence? I can't acknowledge that I'm getting older?

Hell no. Let it ride. But it's weird when you see, for the first time, man. I mean, thank God it wasn't anything else that was getting crinkly and, you know, crankly. So there you go. A little too much information maybe,

but I don't know. Have you had that moment yet? My faithful listeners, have you had that look-in-the-mirror moment? You're just like, oh, there I am in the mirror. Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. what's that what the hell oh wait i don't like that what is that what is that crease what is that wrinkle what is that divot oh my god oh my huh well if you haven't had it yet you're going to and my advice is just accept it be comfortable in your skin and say i am who i am i is who i is and that's it i'm confident

I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm sexy, damn it. Yeah, right. Anyhow, enough of that, just a little update on my neck. I'm going to go out and dive into a lake and catch some fish like a pelican, if you don't mind. And speaking of pelicans, we got this idiot from the zoo. He's back again. I don't like this guy. He's creepy, but we had him on earlier in the show,

and here he is he's brought another animal in for us we'll end the show with this nutbag and uh here he is Hey we got Cal Terrington here from the Buffalo

Zoo he's brought in some interesting critters for us today welcome back Cal Thank you Harlan it's really good to be back here once again So you brought us a toad earlier What have you got now? Look at this little furry guy.

This is a yellow mongoose, and they come from the lower regions of Africa. Yellow mongoose is in southern Africa. Yes, that's what I said. And what is their diet consist of? I mean, are these things eat grass or... No, Harland, they don't eat grass. Okay. Okay.

Well, don't... What do they eat? Harland, they eat insects and rodents, and if they can get their hands on a bird egg, They'll just suck the yolk right out of that thing. Okay. They'll suck that yolk. Okay, I got it. They eat insects and bugs and they suck the yolks, Harland.

What else do we need to know? Did they suck yolks? Okay, you've said that about four times, and each time you say it, it gets creepier. Harlan, I'm just here to inform you what these do. It's a yellow mongoose. Are they yellow because they suck yokes? What's that supposed to mean? I was just making a joke.

Okay, you know what, Harlan, this is an endangered species, and we don't joke about endangered species, okay? You may think it's real funny to joke about animals that are not much longer for this planet Earth. Okay, I don't need a lecture. Well, I'm going to lecture, and I'm going to lecture long, and I'm going to lecture hard. Okay, you know what?

What, Harlan? Would you like a nice, long, hard lecture? Okay, I think we're out of time. This is Cal. Tarrington. Yes, Cal Tarrington from the Buffalo Zoo. Yeah, we know. I guess you'll be back.

This is going to be a weekly thing. You bet you're sweet hairless. Okay, this is Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway with the yellow mongoose. Sucked out yoke, sailor. Oh, God. What a way to end the show. Oh, creepy. But at least we have the good news about the book, right?

The book, are we excited about the book? $1.99. I'm going to say it again. I want you to get it. If you have any type of iPad or iPhone or iPod or anything like that, you can download the book digitally. $1.99. I think it was up at like $20, and it's down to $2.

So I'm very excited. I hope that opens the door for a lot of people to pick it up and read it. I think you'll have some good laughs. And don't forget, Pittsburgh. I will be in Pittsburgh at the improv. That's going to be April 27th, 28th, and 29th. And it's going to be a great show this week. So make sure you go to improv.com, click on the Pittsburgh link.

Reserve your tickets, man. We're going to have a blast. It's going to be stand-up comedy and some sketch comedy with my opening act. Sean Tweedley. And then for those of you wanting something on the West Coast, I will be in San Diego, May 10th through the 13th, doing stand-up down in San Diego, the 10th through the 13th, and I haven't done stand-up in San Diego in forever.

I think this will officially be my first time doing a club in San Diego, if you can believe it. So I'm super excited about that. Don't forget, you can write me at harloweems.wilums.com. You can call me 323-739-4-330. That's 323-739-4-3-3-0. And that's it, man. I hope you had a great time. Tell your friends, everybody jump on the Harlan Highway.

And until next time, my friends, chicken chalemaine, baby.