The Harland Highway - 392: LISTENER MAIL BAG, KNITTING, CANDY

Episode Date: April 26, 2012

Today we read some listener mail, sour candy obsession, leftover food, receipts, and who knits anymore? Burn my suntan oil!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

timber and then no tree falls I just punked you I did a fake timber what the hell does that mean let's just get on with the show what a dumb way to start the show tricking you into thinking there's a tree falling

somewhere what the hell is the matter with me uh hey listener mailbag today folks we're going to be reading some of your letters the mail that you write into me at Harlandwilliams.com. We're getting into that. We're going to be talking about knitting.

Do you knit? Who the hell knits? Receipts? Have you done your income taxes yet? The receipts? Do you have to deal with receipts? Do you hate receipts? But I bet you love candy.

Don't you? Don't you? Huh? You like candy? We all like candy. Well, how about sour candy? What's up with that stuff? Why do we love the sour candy so much?

I guess it's because we just love to eat. We love to eat and eat and eat and speak of eating leftovers. When was the last time you had leftovers? And what was that experience like? Did it go down well? Or did you like puke for nine days? Well, maybe you can digest this. You know where you are.

Start eating. It's the Harland. Howie? Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway

Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being, God damn This is Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway, and has there been a secret meeting somewhere that I missed? Did somebody somewhere throw a meeting regarding receipts? Is this just happening to me, or is this happening to everybody? Everywhere you go. You go to the airport, you buy a 50-cent newspaper, and a 90-cent pack of gum, and they give you a receipt.

they give you all that change you get all these coins and then they stick in this big clumsy receipt and you don't want the receipt so you're trying to put the coins in your pocket you've got your paper in the other hand and you get this receipt which you don't want in your pocket but if you don't

stuff it in with the coins you're going to drop everything and you know what do you want with the receipt oh I better get this to the tax man this was a 50 cent paper and an 80 cent pack of gum where you go to make Donald's now or Burger King.

Here's your receipt. Better make sure you document that $4 mail, buddy. We don't want the IRS coming down on you. And then some places you go to now, there's a sign up. It says, if we don't give you your receipt, this meal is free. Boy, oh boy, I really need the receipt that bad. What is going on with receipts? I don't need them.

I'm paying cash. I don't need a record of my USA Today. I don't need a record of my juicy fruit or my KitKat bar. I don't have a little pile at home where I keep my People magazine receipts or my Burger King Onion Ring receipts. Thank you very much. You're wasting paper. You're killing trees.

Stop pushing them on me. I'll tell you what, people. Send me a receipt just to make sure you got this little rant. put in a little pile, make sure everything's accounted for. Would you like your receipt? Ah, shut up. Oh, yeah, we just don't need those receipts. And here's something else I've got to ask.

I don't know if we need this and not. Maybe you can tell me. Do we need to knit anymore? Okay, I saw a woman, a young woman probably in her, maybe late 20s, early 30s, knitting the other day out in public and I was on an airplane and I looked like a few rows in front of me and there was this woman like knitting away and she had these giant I'm not kidding. The actual dimensions of these knitting needles, okay? They were made out of wood and they were probably two feet long.

No word of a lie. They had big points on the end of them. And I'm thinking, wait a minute. What the hell? First of all, how did she get those through security? Okay, I mean, these were like Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Vampire Steaks. They were enormous. They were the thickness of a small curtain rod

that you'd hang in your window. I mean, maybe even bigger. I mean, these things were like, if you cut through the knitting needle and looked at the cross section would be the circumference of probably a nickel, maybe a little bigger. Like, they were big things, man.

And I'm like, God, those are like weapons, man. Those are like, she's got two real pointy weapons. And I'm like, how does that, you know, they won't let you through with a box. cutter they won't do the up and up when they serve your meal they're giving you plastic knives and plastic forks and here's buffy the vampire slayer making herself a new uh turtleneck sweater in uh row f 72 or whatever it is and uh i'm thinking wow that wouldn't that be a great headline huh woman uh takes down plane with knitting apparatus

uh you know investigators find uh blanket and sweater at the scene i mean it was it's just weird and then the whole process i was watching her and it was like one stitch after another and she's kind of going really fast it's a very repetitive process knitting it reminded me of someone like standing on an assembly line and as things you know slide by on a conveyor belt they stamp them it's just like like stamp stamp and with knitting it's like knit knit knit you just you keep twisting the fabric over the end of the knitting needles and uh in a way it was jealous because i thought oh that'd be cool to know how to knit but then i thought who the hell knits anymore i mean who has time to knit

can you imagine i i don't have i don't have enough clothes i think i'm going to make me a sweater I think I'm going to make me a nice pair of pants and a sweater And you know what my blankets are getting old I think I'll knit me a giant blanket for my king's size bed I'm like, what are you doing in life that you have so much time? Most of us are running around like chickens with our heads cut off all day And old, you know, Nell Flanders here is knitting herself a duvet I mean, that's a long process, knitting clothing, knitting a sweater, knitting a blanket.

You don't do that in a day? And you just sit there and do it over and over and over. It must be just kind of some kind of weird, like some kids play video games to just kill their brain and pass the time. Knitting's got to be very probably soothing and relaxing. We're just sitting there clacking those little knitting needles together. bizarre and i'm like doesn't that person know that there's like the gap that doesn't that person know there's urban outfitters that there's clothing stores there's target there's walmart even if you need it i was going to go up there and go ma'am you don't have to make your own clothing you don't have

to make a sweater you could probably buy one at kmart for nine 99 a minute and a half to go in and get one and pay for it. You don't have to knit yourself a sweater. Okay, Buffy? Then she, like, hisses at me. Bears her fangs and hammers her knitting needle. Vampire steak right through my chest. Thanks, Buffy, the vampire knitter.

So I don't know. And then I started thinking, maybe that's a great survival skill. I'm sitting there. What if I was lost in the wilderness? you know because we're always lost in the wilderness now according to the cable shows isn't there about like 42 different shows on TV now where people are lost in the wilderness there's bear grills and there's you know a man against the world and there's that one where there's two guys lost and i mean everybody's lost now and i thought well what if i'm

lost in a desert or a rainforest or up on a mountain it wouldn't be a good skill to know how to knit you know if i'm lost in a blizzard and i got no shelter i'm like no worries i'll just break these two branches off skin this mountain goat and knit myself a tent in fact why don't i nip myself a little snowmobile and get the hell out of here but it's kind of like the process it's like making netting you know i thought you know if you knew how to knit, you could probably knit together a net and go fishing and, you know, hang it from trees and drop it on wild pigs. I say, I think I'll catch myself a wild pig.

Well, how on earth will you do that, Chester? I will knit myself a sweater and drop the sweater on the wild pig as it passes underneath. Excellent, excellent, Arthur. My name's Chester. Well, okay, they sound close. And how will you kill the bloody pig? I shall get my steak and stab it right through the heart like a vampire. Have you seen the vampire teeth coming out of those wild pigs?

Excellent jester. Shut up. So I don't know. I'm kind of ragging on the whole knitting thing, but at the same time I'm kind of jealous and kudos for you for knowing how to do it. But honestly, if you have all that time, on your hands. Come over to my house and rake some leaves or something. God bless you. And now I'm going to nip my mouth shut and move on. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey there, Billy. How about a little lollipop? Granny's got a lollipop for you, Billy. I don't want a lollipop. Oh, yes, you do, Billy. You're going to like this one.

I really don't want a lollipop, old lady. Well, I'm going to stuff this one right down your gobhole if you don't take it, little Billy. Okay, in that case, I'll have it. since you're a violent old bag. That's right, Billy. Now suck on it, you little whippishnapper. Yeah, candy treats, right, people?

Those sour candies or the little wiggly worms or the gum babies or the gooey bears or the, what are they called, Sour Patch Kids, or Sour Lollipops or gum. Why do we like that sour stuff, man? You put that stuff in your mouth that can just feel your mouth like like sucking in. Sounds like an old creaking window. You can just feel your cheeks sucking in

and your mouth puckering up and it looks like you're growing a butt hole right in the middle of your face. Oh, listen to it. Looks like you've been kissing the side of a salt lick all morning or something. Just looks like a big walking butt hole. You can hardly talk. Your lips are all puckled up and you can turn into an old lady.

Has anybody seen my teeth? I've just been eating some sour stuff and I can't find my teeth. Keep it soft. Keep it sweet. And the way you do that is you keep listening To the sweet words coming out of my mouth Here on the Harland Highway Stuck on that lollipop, you little bastard

I don't want it! Sack it, you little weasel He-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-letters Oh, we get letters, we get your letters every day Mailman, mailman Mail today Reach right in and pull one out

Those letters I love those letters Let's find out what you've got to say Oh boy Mailman Mail today Oh yes It is time

It is time ladies and gentlemen For your letters from the Harland Highway mailbag. You write to me at Harlan Williams.com and I save them up until I have a nice little batch and I read them. So let's get going with our first letter.

This one's from Gordon. And he says, Speaking of Getting Taken, Hey, Harland, I dig your podcast. They really make my commutes like 80% more entertaining. But hey, speaking of getting scammed, I guess I did a whole segment on being scammed. He said, your most recent podcast,

from April 12 features the same iPad rant twice. They actually sound like they might have been two different takes, but still a bit redundant. Anyways, keep up the good work and hope to catch you in Chicago soon. Well, A, I'm glad you listen to them when you're commuting to work. What a treat. I wish I had the Harlan Highway when I used to commute to work. B, yes, every now and then we do have technical glitches.

What I find funny is people love to point them out. Gordon was not the only one that pointed out that there was one podcast where a few of the bits repeated by accident, and it was just some kind of technical downloading glitch. It's not like, I was like, gee, I like that bit so much, I'm going to run it again. No, that was just kind of some weird technology screw-up. So my apologies, but a lot of people wrote in about that.

we'll try and keep a closer eye on that. And then lastly, he says, when are you going to be in Chicago? Well, guess what, buddy. I will be in Chicago at the end of May, specifically May 31st, and then June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. So Thursday through Sunday gig at the improv in Chicago in Schaumburg. It's just outside of Chicago. so I really hope that I catch you there, okay? All right, let's jump to the next letter here.

Let's see who we got the old mailbag. This is from Jeb. Jeb comments on Senor Fuentes. Dear Harlan, your podcast is the best. Well, thank you, sir. My favorite Signor Fuente's bit was from a while back when he had a speech impediment, and he was raping your lawn.

Mm-hmm. An idea that I had for Signor Fuentes was for him to get a piece of ash wood in brackets. Ash wood. So I get it. Okay.

That one might be a bit of a stretch, but you never know. I might party with that. And he concludes his letter with a great podcast. Keep up the good work. I love that you don't have only interviews all the time, like most

podcast. Well, thank you, Jeb, for saying that because I, you know, I have a lot of friends in the entertainment industry. I have a ton of comics and celebrities. And, you know, I drop them in here from time to time because I love interviewing people. I have a fun time. But at the same time, you're right. Just about every podcast out there is someone talking to someone. And to me, I get bored of it. It's like, you know, I love to pepper it. in here now and then, but that's what sets the highway apart. I'm trying to do something that's just, you know, a little more off center, a little less predictable, and, you know, trying to do what I like to do, which is kind of theater of the

mind, and, you know, so thank you for saying that. Let's see. Who else we got here? Mimi. Mimi. Mimi says thank you. I've thanked you before for helping me fall asleep every night. I've been going through a rough time lately, and since Howard Stern is usually on vacation, and Corolla's shows blow half the time, I can always rely on your show to help me feel better. Oh, thank you. Well, I've been a frequent guest on the Adam Carolla show,

and I don't listen to it all the time, but I like it. But, hey, I'm glad. You like the highway. That's a very nice compliment. And I'll take it, man. I'll take it. I'll keep the shows coming your way, of course. Okay? All right.

Let's see what else we got here in the old mailbag. This is from Courtney. Courtney says, great actor. You are such a good actor, and I love your old movies. you know that's a double-edged sword it's like a thank you so much for the amazing wonderful compliments

I truly appreciate it but I guess the thing that stings a little bit is I love your old movies and she doesn't mean anything derogatory by that she just means she loves my old movies and what I'm saying is good God I'm getting old

when people refer to some of my movies as old yikes um but let's not focus on the old well you can focus on the old thank you for your compliments go out and watch the old movies but uh i have a new movie coming up called old days which i'm very excited about i told you about a few days ago a few podcasts ago i should say and uh that'll be the next comedy for me coming up i'll keep you posted on that let's move along this these are some great letters here we go this is from sean Kendall and he says full metal jacket comments hey hard great show i love it you crack me up constantly

one thing and i hate to do this but a full metal jacket has nothing to do with the clip itself oh okay i might have to disagree here but let me go on a normal bullet is made of lead and it basically becomes a molten ball in the air after being fired full metal jacket means the bullet is entirely covered in nickel or steel alloy with a lead center. The bullet doesn't lose its shape in the air and is generally pointed. This allows the bullet to pass through things like body armor and even jeeps and some light armored vehicles. Some larger rounds can even pierce tanks.

And then he gives me a Wikipedia link. Thanks, buddy. I'll be sure to pop in and let you know when you fuck something else up. Just kidding. poke me in the eye with a pineapple well hey hey that's again that's fun people people love to find the uh the little errors that i make in here and uh i love that it cracks me up because i just got to do this show on the fly and um and so uh i love it when people picked that out but i got disagree with you your your uh your assessment there on the wikipedia thing uh

It sounds like it's referring more to the actual physical makeup of a bullet. But if you actually watch the movie Full Metal Jacket, they actually explain it in the movie. They tell you what a full metal jacket is, which means it's when you fill up your cartridge, your bullet cartridge, they call that being a full metal jacket. And that's right from the movie. so maybe they got it wrong.

But anyways, let's move on. I'm not here to fight. I'm just here to read your wonderful emails. Let's see who we got next as I reach deep into the mailbag. Here we go. This is from Steve Tannenhill, Tain Hill, something like that. Sorry for getting your name wrong. And his subject, he says, thank you.

And he goes on to say, I just spent three months in the hospital with a respiratory ailment. I was hooked up to a machine, and all I could do was lay there. Good Lord. I was lucky to have some of your work on DVD, and it saved my sanity. I just want to tell you how your humor is the best medicine, and it works. I found a picture of you and put it on my wall to remind me to never despair. humor is always there

thank you for what you do and may you do it for a long time to come Steve Tanhill I hope I'm saying it right wow what a letter Steve Steve Steve Steve

Steve first of all I hope you're feeling better man I hope I did a podcast a while back where I went on I did a whole long thing about how I was in a hospital for like one night because I had a noodle stuck in my throat and it's traumatic

and it's depressing and it's scary and it's disorienting and it's just, oh, hospitals, hospitals can just freak you out, man, and you laid there for three months. So, man, first and foremost, I hope you're feeling better. I hope you're out of there and I hope you're kicking ass in the 90s, as they say. And two, I'm a little worried that you said I made you laugh a lot, which takes the lungs and here you are with a respiratory ailment

so now I'm hoping I didn't damage you more by making you laugh and lastly thank you for your words I mean that's part of why I do this man you know it's like this podcast goes out all over the world and I wish I knew every individual

that was listening to it because you know it's for you guys and and the fact that it puts a smile on your face as ridiculous as it is, as silly as it is. I'm glad that you guys are absorbing it and having fun with it and just having a giggle. God bless having a giggle. So as I said, I hope you're on your feet.

You're feeling good. Thank you for the letters. And why don't we end on that one? and we'll close up the Harland Highway mailbag. Be sure and drop me a letter, harlan Williams.com, and maybe we'll read your letter on the air here at the Harland Highway. Hey, oh! Another letter from our last year's day.

Oh, boy. feeling a little raunchy today. You ever eat leftovers, but you don't remember just how leftover they are? You look in the fridge, and you don't want to get in the car and go get fast food because you're in a vegetative state of mind, and you don't have anything to cook except maybe a can of Campbell soup, and you know that's not enough, and you've got maybe a popsicle and a jar of relish, and you put those together, and it ain't a very tasty.

treat and there's a one kind of mystery container sitting in the fridge back there kind of when did i eat that what oh yeah that indian food that was that was last night right but you know in your subconscious that it was like four nights ago but to uh kind of lessen the degree of illness you're about to get you kind of talk yourself into it being last night and it's still safe to eat the botulism hasn't set in the ecoli hasn't swarmed over the tenduri and you're like i'm okay man yeah it's okay all i have to do is heat it up heat kills everything right i throw it in the microwave no problem so you pull it out of the fridge you peel back the little lid sitting there in that silver tray looks like a giant petri dish you're waiting for steve mcqueen to come running in don't

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. It's the blob. You could have swore you saw the thing move, right? Stay away, it's the blob. You're like, no, I can handle it, huh? One day old, uh, tendery chicken. So, then it goes into the microwave and into your belly.

And then three, four hours later. You're like, man, why didn't I eat that? I got the blob in my stomach. And it's about to change shape. Ah! Oh, right? And then you live through it. Somehow you miraculously live through it,

and you're like, oh, that's not a problem. And then the next time it happens, you're like, you kind of push the days, right? Because you were like, well, last time I let it sit three days. I mean, what's for it? days and then you make it then you're like ah what's five days i didn't four and it still keeps gone till suddenly you're just eating like raw mold your your system develops the antibodies to resist any type of disease or virus right your body's so strong from eating rotten moldy

leftover food. It's created antibodies, and you're like, you can't even get AIDS or malaria or polio. You're just like, whatever. AIDS, are you kidding me? I ate a nine-day-old Kentucky fried chicken breast yesterday, okay? It was green and purple. AIDS, schmaids, polio, Wolio. Okay. Diphtheria, whiptheria. So there you go. Building up your immune system through eating leftovers. And speaking of leftovers, not the left over part, but the over part, I'm looking at the time and it's over. We're out of time. Over and out. So sad. So very, very, very, very. Very, very sad. Once again, thanks for your letters.

Always fun to read them, see what's on your mind. Harlow Williams.com or if you want to call me 323-739-4-330. You can leave a phone message for the kid. And don't forget this weekend. Oh, my God. Starting tomorrow night, the 27th. The Pittsburgh Improv, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be there doing stand-up

Tomorrow night through Sunday So it'll be the 27th, the 28th, the 29th Get your tickets at Improv.com And reserve your seats. I'll be doing a meet and greet after the show And we're also going to be doing some sketch comedy improv As part of the show. So you're going to see stand-up and then some sketch comedy.

So it's like a double bubble right there. Don't forget to check out Harlan Williams.com for our little store we have there. You can buy merch. And don't forget, you can get the Harlan Highway on Stitcher Radio. You can subscribe there and catch the show on your iPhone. So that's it, or whatever cell phone you got. That's it. That's all we got, man.

I'm going to go whip up some 9-year-old jello. or something and have some dinner and uh or maybe you know what screw that i'm going to go oriental tonight i'm going to whip myself up a great big moldy ball have you guessed it chicken chalmane baby