The Harland Highway - 393: CUTE DOG STORIES, SPITTING, AIRPLANE HELL

Episode Date: April 30, 2012

New shoes, spitting everywhere, some cute dog stories, airplane take off hell, and a visit from Captain James T. Kirk. Sandbag my marmalade!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you get when you fall in love? You get enough germs to catch SARS, and you're going to die in a lot of pain. That's not nice, okay? Wow. Really not a nice way to start the podcast. Hello, Harlan Williams here. You are riding down the Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams. And what can I tell you?

well i could tell you what's in the show for starters duh hello williams to planet nine ten and eleven uh speaking of planets yes captain kirk will be by today captain james t kirk somehow gets in the studio again um most annoying guy ever we're going to talk about spitting oh people who spit what's wrong with them and then i have a really moving wonderful dog story for you i don't know if you like dogs or not but this this was touching something i saw and uh just uh oh so so darling and then i got some new shoes i can't wait to tell you about my new shoes oh wait do you hear about my fancy new footwear and if you don't want to walk you can fly and here's something really annoying about flying that drives me nuts all that

more right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger with everything coming up

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being. God damn it. What kind of shoes you're wearing these days, people? You're wearing heels.

Are you ready, boot? You're wearing a boot? You're wearing sneakers. Doug Walker. It's kind of a statement, isn't it? Footwear reflects your personality. I'll tell you what I'm wearing these days, man. You're going to be jealous when you hear this.

I'm wearing, you know those wooden clogs that the people in Holland wear? You know the ones. People standing out there in the lilies. Tending to their windmill. The little wooden, totally wooden clogs with the little fairy queen toes on them. You know, the little toes that twirl up at the end? Yeah, man, that's what I'm wearing.

They are cool. No one else is wearing what I'm wearing. That's what makes me special and cooler than you. Oh, I don't care what. You got your Nike's on. You got your Doc Martins. I got my Holland clogs, baby. If I see a dyke around, I'm going to be able to put my finger in it

because I've got hauling shoes on. The only thing about them, though, they're all made out of wood. I had a bad experience, man. They got no tread on the bottom. They're just smooth. It's like a canoe under there. I was trucking on down the sidewalk, you know, doing the Saturday night fever walk, you know.

Just looking cool. If there was a camera there, I would have been just filming my shoes. and I stepped on a piece of dog poo. Someone let their dog do their business on the sidewalk, and I stepped a raid on it, man. And when you're wearing wooden hauling shoes with no traction, no soul, you just slide. I slid down the street.

I was up on one leg. I was like Gumby. I've seen Gumby sliding around on that one leg. Oh, man, I was like the little Dutch boy gun pad. Sliding down Main Street. my Dutch shoes after stepping on some poodle fun. Maybe I better get some Birkenstocks.

Man, those have suction cups on the bottom. I could walk up a wall if I had to. Keep your clogs on the pedal, people. Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. They're five-year mission to seek out new life, to find crazy new planets,

to boldly go where no man has ever, ever, gone before these are Kirk Kirk shut it off Kirk kirk kirk excuse me what are you doing in here man i'm captain james t kirk with the starship enterprise i'm

what look at you what yeah why look what do you mean why look at you standing where are your clothes there on my feet what do you mean your clothes are on you your feet. Well, if I lift up my leg, you can see. I've got, turn the music off. Turn the music off. These are the voyages of the stash. Turn it off. Roger! I'm in the middle of my...

You're not in the middle of anything. What is on your feet? Where are your clothes? You're butt naked, Kirk. I've got clothes on my lower extremities. You are wearing plaid socks and Birkenstocks and nothing else. Why are you wearing plaid socks with Birkenstocks? And why? I've never knew you had such a gut. I would ask you not to insult me as I am the captain of the Starship Enterprises. Five.

You're not on the Enterprise, okay? You're in my studio. This is where I do my podcast. I disagree with that statement full-heartedly. I don't care. I don't know how you get in here. You keep thinking this is the enterprise. It is the enterprise, and I have Captain James T.

Commander. You're not. Stop it. You're a mumbling, naked idiot. I'm not naked. I have something on my lower extremities. Don't say your lower extremities. That refers to your private parts.

Not where I come from. Well, your private parts are clearly not covered, and you're half gray down there. I would ask you to remember that my eyes are up here. Well, it's hard to look in your eyes, Kirk, when you're dangling your wiener over my console. I believe this is my console on the bridge of the starship. Stop it! Why are you wearing plaid socks and Birkenstock sandals? I'm trying to introduce a new piece of our uniform.

What do you mean your uniform? I'm trying to update the uniform for all the personnel aboard the Starship Enterprise. We must keep upgrading our look or feel our... No, no, no. This is not a good look. Naked with plaid socks and Birkenstocks. gas they come in seven different colors olive

tan bird sienna green green grass stop it i don't want to know what color your burkenstocks come in and would you put something over your wiener please a piece of paper a stapler something

i'm not ashamed of my body as commander of the starship enterprise i must be in top physical shape. No, you know what? Get out of here. You're making me sick. You're making me puke. And you've got your stupid little

Birkenstocks annals and plaid socks. I will be back. No, you're not coming back. Get out. I'd rather not. I cannot abandon the ship. Out. I won't abandon the ship.

Take your plaid socks and your stupid socks. and your stupid sandals and get out. I will shoot you with my phaser if I have to. Go ahead, shoot. It's not even real. It's a prop. All right, you ask for it.

Here it comes. You're getting phaseders. Didn't hurt me. Get out. I will go down and see Scotty and have them repair my phaser. Yeah, you get on the elevator with your little plaid socks and your Birkenstocks. I will, and I will return. under the bow of the starship and get out!

God! Is there anything more annoying? Roger, can you not let Captain James T. Kirk into my studio from now on, thank you. Is there anything more annoying? You know what? Yes, there is. How about this? How about this? You ever get on an airplane to go somewhere? and, you know, it takes forever to get on the plane

and it takes forever to everyone sit down and it takes forever for everyone to put their luggage up in the racks and takes forever for the announcements, put your seatbelt on, right? And then you're sitting there like, can you just move this plane? Please, we haven't even left yet, and I've been sitting here 25 minutes. Can you do all this stuff while we're rolling? And you're sitting there praying for movement, and all of a sudden the plane lurches, and you're like, yes, we're rolling, we're going to be in the air in five minutes.

And then the airplane backs up, turns around, and then slowly drives for about 45 minutes to the end of the runway. Are you kidding me? Is that not like the longest drive in the world? it's like when you were a kid and your parents took you on a long road trip you're like does this ever end and these guys they're in a jet okay they're in a jet that can top speeds of like 700 800 900 miles an hour they got two three four jet engines and they're crawling out to the end of the runway like I think I saw a couple of kids on skateboards roll past us okay and you're just driving and driving and driving and part of it's like

should I just drive home should I have just rented a car and drove from Boston to Los Angeles it's like can you step on the gas a little guy and I see like a million runways out here you have to drive all the way out there to that one you know what

let me back into the airport I'm going to book a flight I'm going to book a flight from the terminal to the end of the runway where you take off and then I'll board the airplane there because I'm pretty sure I can take a flight from my gate to the start of the runway a lot faster than you're driving there. So let me do that. Let's just call it a connecting flight, shall we?

Holy jumping, man. Step on it, buddy. it's just more annoying i don't know if it's more annoying than captain kirk but just the little beef i have thought i'd air it out i don't know if you've had the same experience but what a drag some weird jobs out there isn't there some different jobs i felt like an idiot the other day man because sometimes i don't know what jobs are you know some people have jobs and i kind of don't know that i've ever heard of them so i think i know what they're about like the other night i was

talking to a guy and uh i said what do you do man he goes oh i'm in retail and i'm like oh that's cool man that's really cool retail and i go like uh how many like dogs do you like work with the day. And he goes, no, I'm in retail. And I said, yeah, I get it. Retail. You work with animals that, you know, have been in lawnmore accidents. And he's like, what are you talking about, man? Are you drunk? And I'm like, dude, you're the one that said you worked in retail. And he's like, yeah, I sell fabric. And I said, well, what's that got to do with putting a new tail on an animal? And he goes, what are you talking about? I said, dog gets in a lawnmore accident, his tail gets chopped off and you know it's like that time that lady cut her husband's you know what off and they

brought it back and put it back on and the guy like looked at his watch and said dude uh i gotta go and i said where are you going he goes it doesn't matter i just got to get the hell away from you dumb ass and i'm like yeah i'm the dumb ass we'll see we'll see if i ever bring my dog to him if it gets its tail chopped off okay he ain't making a dime off of me i'm getting my dog retailed somewhere else ha idiot oh and god forbid there there ever is like an animal accident don't don't we just uh cringe when we see an animal get hurt oh it's it's awful i don't know if you've ever seen an animal get hit by a car or fall or get hurt or someone kicks it we always

cringe and here's a great story this this happened a just a few days ago and uh you know they had a picture of it up on the internet and they had a little story and it's a sad story but it's it's kind of a cute story and um it was a story about uh a dog a yellow dog like a german shepherd or a labrador pretty pretty big dog got hit in traffic and uh it's in the middle of traffic on a very busy street and he was laying in the road and his dog buddy uh who was a was a black lab the dog buddy stayed with the downed other dog the dog was the dog that was injured and laying on the on the road and for all we know it could have been dead from looking at the picture you know who knows but um

And witnesses say that this dog just stayed with its buddy. It stood over its body. It stood right beside it. It laid down beside its buddy. And this is as busy traffic still going by. This dog refused to leave. And I thought it was just so touching. Hey, everybody.

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, like I said, it's sad that a dog got hit, but yet very moving that this other dog, like, stood by. You know, because I always think about dogs. It's like how much do they really connect with each other? How much do they really care? How much do they really stick up for one another? You wonder if they've got it in them if all their loyalty just goes to humans, or do they have a loyalty to their dog buddies, their own kind?

And so I love this story and it reminds me of my dogs. Well, my old dogs, they're dead now, but a few years back, I had like a big kind of white kind of husky. is a breed called the Gindo, J-I-N-D-O, which is kind of a rare breed in here in America, but a beautiful dog, they were raised for royalty. In Korea, off of Korea, there's actually a big island called Gindo, and the dog was named after this island where the dogs were bred for royalty as guard dogs and hunting dogs.

And this dog was a big, big-sized dog, you know, about the size. size of a Labrador, but looked more like a coyote mixed with a husky, very linear, very pointed features, beautiful dog. Her name was Captain Chili Dog. That was my Gindo, and she was like a supermodel type dog, like just a prima donna. She knew she was hot. She strutted around. She had an attitude. She was the boss. I mean, if a dog could have a poser attitude, a prima donna attitude. This was it. But that being said, she was a great dog, an amazing dog, very loyal, very aggressive when she

wanted to be, that hunting that was bred into her was very evident, but very loyal and loving. And then my other dog was the complete opposite, was a little black dog, a little chihuahua named Fisherman Bob. So I had Captain Chili Dog and Fisherman Bob. Bob, and they grew up together as puppies. I was given Captain Chili Dog as a gift. And I was like, like most people,

oh, I don't want her to be all alone. She needs a friend, you know. So, of course, I got another dog to go with Captain Chili. A little cute little black chihuahua. Founder in the Wanads. Went out to some neighborhood in Los Angeles, and this cute little Latino couple who lived in the townhouse had a bunch of puppies running around little chihuahua puppies and there was

his little black guy with a little white patch on his chest and i named him fisherman bob so a real nautical theme i later went on to get a big fat british bulldog named sailor pudge so all my dogs have a nautical name i don't know why uh but anyway so captain chili dog and fisherman bob grew up together and I still knew the man who gave me Captain Chili Dog. He still had Captain Chili Dog's parents, and the parents had gone on to have more puppies. And like I said, they're kind of an aggressive breed, the Gindo. And so one day I decided I'm going to go over and visit the gentleman

who gave me Captain Chili Dog as a puppy, and, you know, I'm going to take my dogs with me. and, you know, have a little reunion with her family, the other gindoes. So I went over, and I knew a couple of these other gindoos, and one of them in particular was probably one of the scariest, meanest dogs I've ever met my life. And he was, he's a dog I never even petted. I never even touched because he just looked at you like, I mean, this guy won't even let him in the house.

He would just glare at you through the back window on the sliding door. So I take Captain Chilly Dog and Fisherman Bob over to the house, and they're running around on the driveway. You know, they're living it up, wagging their tails, jumping up and down. and then someone from the guy's house, my friend Jamie, opened the door and outcome running these four other full-grown gindoes, two of which were Captain Chili Dog's parents. I hope you're still following me.

I'm almost getting mixed up. So anyways, all of a sudden we had Captain Chili Dog, this little black Chihuahua fisherman Bob, and he was a male, and they grew up together. And now all of a sudden, here come the four gindoes that belong to Jamie. And they come running over right away. And I see them beelining for Little Fisherman Bob, who's, you know, a little tiny Chihuahua. And they started moving in on Little Fisherman Bob, and I'm just like, oh, my God, he's dead.

They're going to attack him before I can do anything. And all of a sudden, something amazing happened that just warmed my. heart and I was just like yes what happened is captain chili dog started running in circles around little fisherman bob and fisherman bob just stood there on the driveway and captain chili dog ran around in circles and any time one of the other gindo's tried to come in captain chili dog snapped at their face like snapped at their snout and it was clear to me that captain chili dog was was was was was protecting little fisherman bob just walking in a tight circle right around the little guy and not letting anyone in sending the message like don't don't don't screw with this little guy this is my

buddy this is my little adopted brother you do not touch him you do not get it near them and i was just like i just stood by as like wow man that is cool because you got to remember captain chili Dog, the other Gindos were her extended family. I mean, directly her mother and father were there, and then the next generation of brother and sister.

So, you'd think that her bond, her loyalty would have lied more with her direct family than with this little chihuahua that wasn't even her breed. But no, no, no, no, no. Captain Chilly Dog was like, don't even try

it, man. and she was snapping at her parents' snouts and the extended brothers and sisters and nobody got to little fisherman Bob. He was just, he was as safe as could be. And I just stood there. I was like, that is so cool. You know, because you always wonder

if dogs have that loyalty, if they have that connection, and this just proved it. So they're not with me anymore. Those poor dogs have since passed on, but they're, legacy lives on with that that little story and uh and um i think i need to go get a Kleenex because it just brought me to tears it brought me to tears

but uh hey same goes for that dog out in the middle of traffic i i hope those dogs are well and uh there you go my charming little doggy story for you okay it's a beautiful day you're out for a walk you're walking your dog you're holding hands with your girlfriend you're just trucking along it's fall there's leaves blowing going down the sidewalk your window shopping and there it is you look down on the ground oh my god it's a big giant horp yeah somebody spit somebody spit out a big blob of bubbly mucus and saliva oh my god it looks like a mini pizza that you left too long in the microwave just all bubbled and shiny and gross don't play me for talking about it blame the spitter man these giant monsters on the sidewalk then you step on

them sometimes oh feels like you stepped on a jellyfish for worse yet you step on it you don't want to look down for when you step off of it Because now the thing's all smeared around and it's on shoe. So you just stand there for four hours and wait until it dries. It gets all crusty. Because you don't want to walk away and have that squishy sound under your shoe. Or worse yet, you're driving, man. A guy in front of you, some redneck with a baseball hat and a gun rack. Rolls down his window and he's moving 80.

You're moving 80. He thought his big gobber was just going to go right out onto the highway, but he forgot he was flying at 80 miles an hour, and the gobber flies backwards. Hit your front window, man. Looks like you hit a blue jay or something. Keep it in your mouth, people, huh? Because I don't want to step on your jellyfish.

And I don't want to drive into your gobsouffle. Highland Williams. You're breaking my windshield wipers. All right. got a fess up i i think i'm probably being a hypocrite doing that that that bit about spitting because i'm going to be honest i'm going to here's where you get to know me better i'm a spitter okay there i said it i'm at spitters anonymous hi hi my name's harland williams um and i'm i'm a spitter and when i say spitter, I mean, I have a habit of spitting. When I'm outside, okay, if I'm walking, if I'm hiking,

if I'm out on the sidewalk, I like to spit. It's something I've been doing since I was like probably about nine years old, 10 years old, and ask anyone that knows me, man, I just spit, spit, spit, spit all the time. I don't know why. I just like it. It's a it's it's like smoking for me i'm just like you know and i'm not talking about big lugies i'm not talking like okay i'm not talking about like uh green goblins i'm just talking about like you know pure liquid clear saliva just like a little you know i'm not chewing uh tobacco it's not black or brown it doesn't leave a stain it's just like you know crystal clear good old fashion drinkable saliva and i'm just i don't hawk it up i'm not doing like a you know it's just kind of subtle it's

silent i'm just like kind of like and i kind of like purse my lips and just you know it doesn't make a noise it just and i don't know why i do it it just relaxes me and i got to say man i've been doing it almost my whole life and I sometimes I think about what if you could like collect it all and I'm not talking about like in a see-through bottle I don't want to see a bunch of saliva I just mean if you could put it all in like you know a landfill or something I wouldn't be surprised if I've spit enough liquid to have created like honestly like like a 10 acre pond I mean I It's amazing when you think about the amount of liquid. Like think about it in this way.

Think about all the urine you've done in your life, okay? Whether you're 20 years old or 50 years old. Like if you could tally up all that urine and put it in a landfill, I bet you'd have like a 20-acre pond or a small lake. Right? So I'm talking about my spit. And I know it's a little bit gross, but I'm just trying to figure this all out here.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Lake Flem. Go on a little canoe trip in Lake Sliva, boys and girls. The jet skis are available for rental over at the clubhouse. I don't know, kind of gross, but I'm just being honest. I had to give it up because I did that whole thing about spitting, but I try not to spit right on the sidewalk. You know, I try to aim for the curb.

Or believe it or not, I've been spitting so long, my aim is really good. And a lot of times I use the cracks in the sidewalk and aim for them. And believe it or not, I'm pretty good at hitting them like 80% of the time. Bing! Spit on a crack. Break your mother's crack. Hello. So there you go.

That's my true confession, and I'm sweating. I'm nervous that I let all that out. But you know what? There's a little pond in my backyard. I'm going to go take a dip and cool off. Gross. All right. And on that note, I think we should close this up.

That's not a good way to end. But nonetheless, at least I'm being honest, hope you had fun. And if you want to be honest, if you want to share any of your little. stories with me. 323-739-43330 is the message machine, or you can write to harlom-williams.com, and I always love hearing from you. And that's it, man. That is all the time we have for today. Oh, my God. Oh, oh, ho. Let's see. Where am I going to be? Where can you come and see me? in the near future. It looks like I'm going to be at a comedy club in Peoria,

Peoria, Illinois, called the Jukebox. My first time out there, Peoria, Illinois. Anybody heard of that? It's out there, man. But I'm going to be there on May 4th and May 5th. uh two shows each night friday and saturday may 4th may 5th the jukebox in peoria illinois so check it out if you're in the hood and uh it's going to be a great show and then don't forget the uh following week i will be in san diego that'll be may 10th 11th 12th and 13th at a comedy club down there check my website harlem will

com for details and then following that oh my goodness i am going to be in utah uh that'll be uh let's see that'll be may uh 18th and 19th and uh utah and i'll give you more details on that as time goes on so that's it that's all we got don't forget to check out harlow williams dot com check out our store and then stitcher dot com if you want to catch the podcast on, uh, on your cell phone. So there we go. That's all I got. Until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chow maine, baby. Ow, my eye! Thank you.