The Harland Highway - 394: DRIVE THRU HELL, SENIOR FUENTES

Episode Date: May 3, 2012

Trapped in drive thru hell, squirrels and rats, eating right with bananas, a visit from my gardener Senior Fuentes, the NEW you. Trickle trackle trinkle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, hello, hello. And I said hello four times because that's how many people are listening to this podcast. No, not true. Not true. We actually have some really great numbers on the podcast. It just keeps growing and growing. And I thank you right out of the gate for listening, for bringing your friends and family to the show.

And I am Harlan Williams, the host of this podcast we call the Harlan. highway so thanks folks and uh what a show we have today we are going to talk about my adventures in the drive-thru lane oh my god i went through some drive-through hell the other night i'm gonna get on that little rant um do you eat right how about bananas a banana a day keeps the what away we'll find out um and speaking of keeping people away unfortunately my gardeners dropping by Senor Fuentes. Who knows what his problem is this time. Maybe it's squirrels.

Maybe it's rats, because I'm going to be talking about those today. Squirrels and rats, what's the difference? What is wrong with squirrels? Are they mental? And then lastly, we're going to be talking about the new you. How do you reinvent yourself? How do you take the old you and become the new you that's interesting? Well, if you're looking for interesting, it's right here.

On the Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland Williams here. Driving home. Okay, it's clear right now, but wait a minute, what's that? A little ball of hair just darted out in front of you. And then it darted back. And then it came back out again.

That was a squirrel. Most animals just make a decision. Okay, I'm on this side of the road. I'm going to run over to that side of the road. But um, butam, butam, butam, butam. That's squirrels, man. And what are they? Not the most indecisive creatures on the planet.

They run out to the middle. Stop. Look around. Run back to the place they just came. Go about halfway back. And decide, no, I'm going to go back to the middle. And then I'm going to go a quarter of the way across to the other side. And then go all the way back to where I came from.

And then back to the middle. And then... Your dad, buddy. What could be going on in their heads that's causing... so much confusion. I don't think they're looking for the cure for cancer. I don't think they're trying to balance the budget. Those little hairy guys.

I think they're thinking about nuts. How confusing could nuts be? You either need some fresh nuts or you don't need more nuts. Maybe they're just thrill seekers. You know us humans like the bungee jump and parasail and jump off buildings and throw parachutes and walk on high wires. Maybe squirrels just get bored.

That's their little game. They like to play chicken. Ooh, you got me, miss me, you got me. Who, who you get me? Who you get me? Who missed me? Maybe I was wrong about squirrels. They're not indecisive.

They're into Squirrel X games, man. They're kick-ass dudes who like to play chicken with their lives. Unfortunately, man, in the end, most of them get it. right in the nuts so be careful when you're driving down the Harlem Highway don't eat any squirrels oh poor little guys

poor little squirrels are always getting nailed and it's funny you know if you think of a squirrel how far separated is it from being a rat you know it's like if a squirrel was in your house creeping around in your rafters or you were sitting there watching TV and a squirrel went darting across the floor you're like a rat with an afro

i mean it's crazy i think i think there was a scene in um in glorious bastards the opening scene where the Nazi Jew hunter guy is at that farmhouse and he's talking about rats and I can't remember but I think he said something about the only real difference is squirrels have like bushy tails and rats don't and he goes so what's the difference between a rat and a squirrel

And it's like, you know, when we see a squirrel outside, we're like, oh, look at the little squirrel. Look at the cute little. Let's feed them a knot. Right? But they don't look all that different. I mean, they're still rodents. They're kind of the same size as a big fat rat.

But it's funny how maybe just a few delicate little features change our perception of a creature. Maybe the fact that they live in trees and not. not in the garbage changes things. I don't know, but they're kind of close. And somehow we love our squirrels, but we hate our rats. Not fair. Not fair at all.

I'm going to start leaving nuts out for the rats. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you create it with a source of your delicious milk? Probably no. I didn't think so. You don't like them You don't really know why you don't like them All you know is you find them repulsive

You ever hear that saying trapped like a rat I think we've all heard that one Trapped like a rat Well I was trapped like a rat the other night Man was I pissed off Is this ever happened to you Okay there's a burger joint in L.A. called In and Out Burger

Amazing great burgers And you know drive-through line They're pretty fast. I mean, I got to tell you, you go to McDonald's sometimes. And I wonder if they've got clairvoyance work in there because I'll drive up to the window and I'll be like, I'll have a number one with a chocolate shake and, you know, a salad. And from the time I drive from the window where you pay your money

to the window where you pick up your food, which is, I think it's about 25, 30 feet. And I'll be damned if the chick doesn't have my bag hanging out the window with my food in it. And I'm like, how did you, I just, I just paid and made the order and how? And you're just like, whoa. And the car in front of you, like, you know, usually you think you get behind a car. And like, okay, line up, wait till the guy in front of me gets. And before you even roll to a stop, the car in front of you is gone.

You're like, wait, what? Did that guy not pick up his food? Did he bail? And, you know, McDonald's, it's just like sometimes it's like the speed of light. It's almost scary. Now, that's a good scenario, I guess, right? But here's where I got trapped like a rat. Okay, I go to this place the other night.

in and out burger and uh it's late it's late at night it's like uh it's like 11 o'clock at night okay so not a ton of people out on the road where i was and uh i pull into the drive-thru and literally there's probably i'm going to say 10 cars in front of me maybe at the most 10 11 tops okay not a long line i've been through enough drive-thrus in my life to kind of gauge how long stuff takes. Believe me, I'm the drive-thru king. I don't cook. I don't shop for groceries.

I go through the drive-thru. Oh, I go through the drive-thru. It's so delicious. It's just delicious. And so I'm thinking, okay, I'm looking at about five, maybe six minutes tops for this one, right? Dudes and dudeettes.

I waited in this line for a half an hour and I'm not exaggerating I'm not being like oh it was like an hour it was like half I looked at my clock it was literally half an hour I don't know what the hell was going on I could see everyone through the window

running around it looked like they were a little bit short staff but still and here's where you're trapped like a rat is once you're committed to that that drive-through line this was one of those ones where they they funnel you in. So you've got like shrubbery and curbs and trees on either side. So there's no

bailing. There's no there's no getting out of the drive-through line. It's like, oh no, you're eating this goddamn burger, mister. Where are you think? You're going. Oh no, you're staying right here, buddy. You're getting your damn burger, whether you eat it or not is your business, but you're going to pick this son of a bitch up. Right? And I'm I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, okay, this is going a little slow after about the six, seven minute mark. I'm like, all right, they got a little backup, and they're cooking the burgers, and they're going to whip them out, and then everyone's going to start whipping through really fast. I've been through that.

There's like a little four-minute pile up, and then during that pile-up, all the orders get prepared, and then also they're like, okay, sorry for the pile-up, here we go. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Everyone goes to you. Uh-uh, not this time. a freaking half an hour man and now you're pissed off you're like at first you're thinking i'm going to enjoy this burger i can't wait for these fries oh my god a chocolate shake right and now you're just getting bitter and you're like excuse me i would just drive them by i thought i'd

whip through that's the whole reason for a drive-through so you don't have to get out it's fast it's expeditious it's boom boom boom you're on your merry way you're eating your burger while you wail down the highway uh-uh man these guys i felt like i was in an airport you know when you you have to get to the airport early and wait in the terminal it's like oh god what am i doing my flight doesn't leave for an hour and 25 minutes do i really have to what am i going to do so i'm sitting in my truck fidgeting listening to the radio and i'm starting to lose my appetite because it's being replaced with like anger like for god's sakes i don't mind a little delay but half an hour so i get up to the window and i'm like

you know what i'm not the type of guy that's not going to say something it's like you know i can't just go oh thanks for the burger thanks for using up a half hour of my life thank you so i get up to the window and i'm not a cheap guy i couldn't give a crap about you know the seven dollars i spent but I am a guy that stands by principles and in and out burger's a good chain man they have a good product they they they have healthy food it's fresh it's it's done well it's not dirty or greasy like I like them but that's beside the point it's like who runs a drive-through line that takes over half an hour have you ever waited half an hour for a burger and a coke anybody listening I don't think you have

I just don't think you have And I don't think you would Unless you're at some kind of weird Like Grateful Dead Like outdoor rock concert And you're like so stoned You're like man I gotta eat man I gotta eat

And you just stand in a line And you forget to order And you're like Where's my burger man I've been here like 45 minutes Uh sir you haven't ordered anything yet I know, but like, where's my burger, dude? All right.

So I get up to the window, and I'm like, just on principle. I got to say something, and I'm even looking out for the people behind me, and I pulled up, and the girl's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just looked at it. I said, you're not seriously going to make me pay for a burger after you made me wait over half an hour. She goes, well, I wasn't here. I was just done the shift. I said, no, that doesn't matter.

She goes, well, let me get a manager. I said, good. You know, and I don't like raising a stink, but come on. So some other kid, you know, 14 years old with a headset on, yeah, this is the manager. He comes, sorry, sir, I'm sorry we're backed up. And I said, dude, half an hour, you're going to make me pay. He goes, I can't do anything. You know, sometimes we just get.

really backed up. And I said, I go to drive-thrus all the time. This is not backed up. This is 10 cars. This is standard procedure, my friend. My little French fry-sling friend. He's like, I know. I'm sorry.

I said, look, dude, if nothing else, if you can't handle it, close down the drive-thru lane. You obviously, it looks like you're understaffed tonight. If you can't handle it, shut it down. You can't make people wait a half an hour for a burger. and then I like start sticking up for all the people behind me because I know they're trapped the way I was. He's like, I don't know what to do, sir.

Let me get you a coupon. I said, so you're going to make me pay for this? The best I can do is give you a coupon. I'm like, I don't want your coupon. He goes and gets the coupon. Like I said, this isn't about the money. Couldn't care less. It's about principle, right?

Listen to me making this little thing through a huge deal. deal but isn't that what life's all about the little things get us all fired up so then another kid comes in the window he goes sir my name's louis i'm very sorry about the uh the waiting goes oh wait a minute man you're a celebrity right and i just said dude don't don't start i'm not in the mood he goes oh my god you're a celebrity and i'm like dude i really half an hour goes i'm so sorry sir here let me give you a large shake i'd already ordered a shake so now In a payoff for the half hour of my life I lost, he gave me an extra four ounces of chocolate milkshake, which I didn't even want. If I wanted a large shake, I would have ordered one.

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Annoying, right? And I got to say I drove off and the fries were piping hot and the burger was good. But it's just, it sucks being trapped like a rat. It's like when you're at an airport and they delay your flight. And you're just like, really? come on i'm paying hundreds of dollars for your service and you can't even like put the plane in reverse and take off in time oh well that's life that is sweet life maybe i need to take it as a sign maybe it's a sign that i should be eating better food like you know fruits vegetables uh

apples bananas an apple a day keeps the doctor away that old saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away well for one i don't know that there's a doctor stocking me doesn't it work the other way around that you have to go to the doctor i mean if there was a doctor outside my window at night and in the morning i think i'd use more than an apple to keep them away okay you ever hear of a Sought-off shotgun? How do you like them apples, Doc? An apple old day keeps the doctor away. Huh?

What do I use to keep everyone else away? Here, have a chocolate bar. Here, have a pineapple. You, you're ugly. Get the hell away from me. Here's a ham. Take a ham and get away from me. A ham a day keeps Brugly away.

Ugh. I don't know. I hear the big thing you should be eating now is bananas. Apparently bananas are the wonder fruit. They're full of potassium and energy and blood and enzymes and liposuction. And I don't know the medical terms. What am I, a doctor? Throw an apple at me. Keep me away. Maybe those monkeys were right, dude.

They're just getting cranked up on bananas. Living it up. A banana day keeps the monkey away. You want to keep me away from your house. Give me a banana. Because I'm a little monkey. It's Harland Williams. Ah, yes, little monkeys.

I love monkeys. I wish I had a pet monkey. They just look so soft and fun and human-like. And you never know what a little monkey's going to do. I mean, one minute they're like climbing up. What? Oh, no. No, come on.

What are you doing here? Roger. What the hell? How did you get him out? What are you doing here? God, come on, Fuentes. That's Senor Fuentes. I know who you are.

You're my gardener. That's right, Signor, Senor. Senor Fuentes. Don't say your name. You don't have to stretch it out. Why not, senor? I want people to remember, Senor Fuentes.

Stop it. What are you doing here? Why aren't you back in my house doing the gardening? Well, senor, I wondered if I could get your permission to go and see the clippers. What? I want to go and see the clippers, senor.

What is, what the basketball team? What is, what is, What has you got to going to see the clippers got to do with me? Well, senor, you are my boss, and I can't go and see the clippers without your permission. What? Well, if I go and see the clippers, you will have to pay for it, signor. Well, I'm not paying for you to go see a basketball game, Fuentes. And, Signor, Fuente.

I know! I'm not paying for your recreational activities. You want to go see the clippers. You go see the clippers. on your own but what if I want to buy the clippers senor what do you mean buy the clippers I'm not paying you that much I know senor you really are a cheap ass don't say that why are you even entertaining the prospect of buying a basketball team a professional basketball team I'm not trying to buy them senor I just want to go and see the clippers well you just told me you want to

buy the clippers yes signor we need some new clippers for the garden. Are you telling me you want to go buy some clippers? That's what I just said, Signor. Have you got something in your ears? Yes. Have you in my ears? Now, what are you talking about?

I want to go to Home Depot, Signor, and look at the new clippers and buy a pair. Oh, for God's sakes. Why didn't you just say that when you walked in here? Here I am thinking, I did, Signor. I said I want to go see the clippers. Oh, for God's sake. Fuences.

That's Senor Fuente. I know! Yes, go. Go to Home Depot and look at the clippers. And can I buy the clippers if I like them, Signore? Yes, what happened to the old clippers?

Ah, they got all damaged up and rusty, signor. Okay, go and see the clippers and buy the clippers. And would you mind doing one more thing for me, signor? What? Would you mind buy them? me and my friends some front row seats for the L.A. Lakers? No, I'm not buying you tickets for the Lakers. Well, why not? You're going to let me buy the clippers.

I'm not. Get out of here. Just front row seat, signor. We love Kobe Bryant. Get out of here, Fuentes. Okay, senor, I will get the clippers. Get out of here. Up yours, senor. Don't. Get out.

Right now. Goodbye. Out the door. God. What a waste of time that was. Is it me that has the communication problem, or is it that nut job? He couldn't have just said, I'm going to Home Depot to buy some new clippers. That's what I said, Mr. fucking waxing your ears.

Get out! You're just going about your nine to five. You got a little root. teen that you do and you kind of start to feel a little ho-hum about your life or you start to think that everyone else thinks your life was a little ho-hum so you decide to make a radical change you decide to do something totally different do a 360 do a full donut because you don't want people to think you're getting boring you want people to think that you're introspective that you're a mover and a shaker that you're interesting so all of a sudden

You're at a party, and you've been waiting for it all night. Somebody says, so, what are you doing, Sheila? Oh, you know, I just got my motorcycle license, and I'm learning to play the cello. Oh. Yeah, and I'm taking tantric yoga classes three times a night, and I'm taking a Japanese origami class. Can I fold you a goose while I'm upside down doing a pinwheel? Oh

And I'm taking Kung Fu classes Wow, you are a busy girl Yeah, I go to the opera every Friday Oh, I didn't know you were into opera I'm really not But I just want you to think I'm cultured and interesting What?

Oh, I didn't mean that last What'd I say? No, I mean, yeah, I like opera You're busted You're trying too hard, man just do what every American does get in your pickup truck get your curly fries you're interesting enough to me

right there in fact you're my dream person curly fries pickup truck leave the origami at the door so I can shove it in the recycling bin and get to the real you

oh yeah and I'm just guilty. I'm busted. I've done it. I did it recently. I did the old, I'm going to do something so that, you know, I just feel that I'm deeper and I have more of a purpose. And I can kind of, you know, let people know that I've got more going on than I really do. And, you know, I think I'll pick up something that I can showcase at the next social function. And here's what I did. And it maybe wasn't 100% just trying to, you know, showcase something at a social function. It was actually out of interest, but it was probably a little bit out of,

ooh, I want to do something different and show it off to people. Okay? Here's what I did, man. I downloaded an app where I could speak Mandarin Chinese. Okay? Mandarin Chinese. It's like one of these apps you download.

And I think I can actually play some of the lesson here. Hao. How? I'm very good. I'm hungo. Da. Da. Da.

That's my father. You? My how ma? Yes. Yes. Mm-hmm. Sounds delicious. Thank you.

Thank you. What? Thank you. Oh, did I step in something? Ha! Don't laugh at me. Whoa. Da.

Da, that's my father. Niho. Nihau, yes. Da. I'm not kidding, man. These are some of the words, okay? I don't even know what I just said. I might have told you to just go jump off a cliff.

And I downloaded this. thing and I thought, man, I'll learn some Chinese, man. I mean, you know, Chinese is such an emerging country. Everyone's saying, all the business is coming out of Chinese. It's the big marketplace. You'd be crazy not to know Chinese. And not only that, it's such a weird language. No offense if you're Chinese, but to someone who speaks English, it is just, it's beyond confusing. It's like alien to me. It's like guys walked out of a spaceship and just went unlaes, I'm just like, glorpe, lorps,

keep, glorp, lollip, glop, glop. And that's not to say it's not a great language. It is. It's just as valid as English. But holy God, I'm just like, no, never. I literally played with the app for about four seconds and heard those words. I said, no, not happening.

But now just playing it again, it kind of re-sparked my interest. I just re-sparked my English, is what I was about to say. So who knows? Maybe I'll try and learn some Mandarin Chinese, and who knows, one day, I'll be doing some Mandarin for you. Okay?

But right now, before we go, it's time for the Chinese news. All right, let's see our ducas, and then do you, have faydea out of people in in Beijing, in the

when you're found out, this, this can't, see, and see see, kind of, this faycing

of a light and present half-tobene the state. The fact did it, was not, the first

I was, when I was that was, that was, it's, it's not, it's the faying

what you. The Chinese news, there it was. Oh, man, big breaking story. Yeah, so anyways, ending on a big exciting news flash. And that's it, man. That's all the time we have for today.

Hope you had a good time. Don't forget tell your friends, your family to get on the highway. Enjoy the kookiness. and you can write me at harlown williams.com or you can call 323-739-4-3-3-0. Love to hear from you, the pavement pounders. And if you want to see me live, doing some live stand-up comedy, I'm going to be in San Diego, California. What a treat.

I think this will be only the second time I've done stand-up down there. So I'm very jazzed about that. And you can catch me in San Diego on Thursday, May 10th, 11, 12, and 13th. It's a comedy club called the American Comedy Co. American Comedy Co. And if you want tickets, if you want to get ahead of the crowd, you can go to American ComedyCo.com. And reserve your tickets online.

awesome and hope i see you there don't forget check out harland williams dot com where you can access the harland uh williams store get your merch and don't forget uh my book the things you don't know you don't know is now available uh in the i book store for just a dollar 99 unbelievable so uh get it download it have something fun to read And don't forget to join up on my Facebook page. That's a treat. And also you can join me on Twitter. It's at Harlan Williams.

So there you go. A lot of little announcements there. Almost overshadowing the Chinese news. And speaking of Chinese, I guess it's time to end. And until next time, chicken chow me. Baby!