The Harland Highway - 395: CINNAMON BOY, LOTTERY LOSER, DR. ASCOT

Episode Date: May 7, 2012

A visit from Dr. Ascot, losing the lottery, spooning, KFC cooking facts, trouble with the police, cooking your own food, and Cinnamon Boy stops by. Twist my Twizzle sticks!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, there's just too much show today. There's just too much packed into this show. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway, the nuddiest highway on the planet. And I'm your host, Harlem Williams. And great to have you here. What a treat. And we got tons of stuff today.

It's unbelievable. I'm going to be talking about. KFC and some of their methods for cooking. I'm kind of bummed about it. Let's see how you feel. I'm a loser. Yeah, I'm a big loser. I don't like to admit it.

And when I say I'm a big loser, lottery loser. I think most of us are the same lottery losers. How does that make you feel? I went out to dinner to one of these places where you cook your own food. Not a pleasant experience. I'm going to talk about that. How about the police? Do you like the police?

You're tired of that term, mishandled by the police? We've got to talk about that. And a couple of guests today, cinnamon boys drop them by. And if you didn't think that could get any more annoying, Dr. Ascot, I have to visit with him today. But to make it all nice,

I'm going to be talking about spooning. What a treat right here. the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. Wow. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it

Okay, so I did it I went to one of these fancy restaurants where you cook your own food Yep, that's my idea of a night out That's a nice relaxing dinner right there You go out, pay for a meal, and cook it yourself See, yeah, that's real smart Why don't I pull into the car wash

And wash my own car? Why don't I go? Go to the furniture shop and build my own furniture. Boo. Yeah, I did it. I took a date. It's one of those places where you sit on one side and she sits on the other. And in the middle, there's like two giant walks full of boiling water.

It's like the Spanish Inquisition's torture chamber. No, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Lower the victim into the boiling water. Yeah! Man, it's weird. Then they bring the food, and you throw everything in there, you drop a big mushroom, and the boiling water splashes right up in your eyes. What's the matter, baby?

Mushroom! Ah! Boiling eyes! They should give you goggles for that, man. And then the stuff starts cooking. Then you're chatting away to your beautiful date. But all of a sudden, you start to realize you can't see her. that well. And you're like, what's going on, man? And you realize all this steam is coming up from the walks. You get a wall of steam and smoke. Suddenly you're Indiana Jones and you're cutting

through the rainforest. What's that? Who's there? What are those noises? Baby, where are you? I can't see you. Call my name. Harlem! I'm over here. Keep coming. Follow this down on my voice. Don't trip on the shrimp. Oh man. What the heck's going on? And then finally you get your food cooked and it never tastes as good because you cooked it right. What happened to the five-star chef idea? No, you cook it yourselves, my friend. So the food's out of the way and now you want to get a little romantic so you go to reach across the table to hold her hand. Your hands boiling on an element, but you stuffed it in the boiling water. Forget it, man.

Last time I ever go to a restaurant and they trick me into cooking my own food, a real idiot, especially at the last part. You know, when after they brought the check, and I had to pay for cooking my own meal, they made me go into the kitchen and wash my dishes. Oh, bummer. You know what else is a real bummer that I hear more and more and more from the OJ case to, you know, the Trevon Martin case, that poor little black kid that got shot down in Florida, just about every case that reaches any level of prominence. You always hear this. Well, the investigation was mishandled by the police. The crime scene was mishandled by the police.

The evidence was mishandled by the police. If I hear that term mishandled one more time, I mean, it's killing me. The mishandling by the police, and I'm a big fan of the cops, okay? I'm not a cop basher. I respect the cops. I think they have a tough job. I mean, imagine how.

having a job where you have to babysit the likes of you and me and everyone else in society. When we get angry, when we get pissy, when we get upset, when we do wrong things, guess who has to come in and babysit us? They do. So you can't really knock the police. And like in anything, there's good and there's bad. I think there's way more good police than bad police. But that's not the point.

what I'm driving home here is the mishandling thing I get so upset when these cases you know go all askew because of the mishandling quote unquote of the police you know people get get off the hook you're not allowed to call certain witnesses you're not allowed to use pertinent evidence clues were lost

things were destroyed things were destroyed things were misplaced. The crime scene isn't valid because of mishandling by the police. The photographs of the wounded person were not taken. Statements were not taking. Reports were not filled out. I mean, God. You start to get mad at the police because you're going,

man, this case would have been a slam dunk open and shot if it wasn't for the mishandling by the police. And in defense of the police, you know, the politicians and the bureaucrats have created so much red tape for the police stuff to deal with that every single little detail has to be documented. Now, I understand, Officer Jones, that there was a fly buzzing around during the arrest. There's no mention of that in your report. Yeah, well, I didn't think of fly buzzing around. during the arrest was, you know, important. Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to throw this case out.

Another classic case of mishandling by the police. Oh, okay. Okay, not really, right? But part of it's got to be all the red tape. And then the other part's got to be, look, how hard is it for these cops to follow the protocol? I mean, there's probably got to be a laundry list of stuff you did. at the scene of a crime. It's like, take the pictures, read them the rights,

ask the questions, jot them down, blah, blah, blah, right? And it's not like it deviates too much. It's not like, okay, we're here at the scene of the crime. I want you two officers to go downtown, go watch a movie I hit a chocolate Easter egg under a garbage can somewhere in the 5-mile radius

I want you to go on an Easter egg hunt and then dye your hair green and be back here in half an hour no it's all it's all standard police work you know when you get to a crime scene you've been trained to do what you got to do and just do it

you got to figure cops probably get lazy all this stuff they they deal with like oh god like is this ever really going to see the light of day is this ever going to go to court is this ever going to be tried is this just why should i have to deal with this idiot's life and i get it i could see cops getting frustrated and bored and tied up by all the bureaucracy And it isn't to say it all goes down like that, but when there are holes in the system, you can kind of be understanding of why. But maybe they need to, like, sit the cops down like once a year and just go, guys, here's your laundry list. Okay, when you get to the scene of a crime, dot, dot, dot, dot, take the pictures, dot, dot, dot, dot, right down the statements, dot, dot, dot, survey the crime scene, dot, dot, dot, dot, don't let anyone touch anything.

if somebody tells you they saw something go check it out blah blah you know just a list of maybe 10 things and then i don't have to hear mishandled by the police because i'm sick of it man i'm sick of of all the mishandling and cases going nuts and even worse i'm sick of it sounds like you're bashing the police you hear all these reporters on the news well the case would have gone through it wasn't for the mishandling of the place and it just makes the police look bad, like they're not doing their job or whatever. But like I said,

there's a million different factors that go into a crime scene, I'm sure. So anyways, maybe once a year a refresher course or something to the police. I'm not a cop, or am I? But that's my suggestion. And if I'm mishandling my interpretation of this, Well, right back at you.

You're rolling along, pull off the Harland Highway, and go get some KFC, some Kentucky fried chicken. Oh, yeah! Well, now KFC is cooking their chicken in trans-fat-fat-free. So they're still cooking their chicken and fat, but they've taken the trans-fat out of the fat. So, I guess it's just regular fat, and there's no trans fat. Ew, trans fat. I just ate this chicken, and I feel like going to get in the sex change. I don't know, it was greasy and yummy, and I feel like putting on a woman's dress and going cruising.

I don't know, this trans fat has got me all womaned up. Oh, give me some heels and some fake eyes. Slash's player, I got some trans fat in me. Hey, what about those people like me who like their trans fat, okay? I don't remember KFC asking me if I wanted a diet fat in my fat. Maybe I want real fat in my fat, and I want my trans fat. So, trans this. Trans is short for transport.

Transport my fat back into my fat. I want a Rosie O'Donnell chicken, not a Callista Flockhart chicken. What's next, man? This is just a chicken bone. We dare not put any meat or fat on it. But this bone is one calorie. Just chew on this bone like you're a golden retriever, and you won't gain an axe. I guess they're having an education week or something around here,

and I have to interview this kid again, which I'm not happy about. Here he is, Cinnamon Boy. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Yeah, we know what you love, kid. What are you doing here? I'm doing a project at school. Yeah. You want to know what it's about?

Gee, let me guess. Does it start with a C? Yeah, that's right. and then an i yeah and then an cinnamon because i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon all right let's just get this over with you doing a project about cinnamon so what do you want from us i want to call a store and ask them about cinnamon you want to call a grocery store and find out about cinnamon for your project is that what you're telling me that's right sure do i want to know all about cinnamon because I'm cinnamon, boy!

All right, take it easy, kid. I'm dialing, okay? Hang on. Hi, David, how are you today? Good, thanks. Do you sell spices? Yes, well, whatever. Yeah, we do sell spices.

I got a kid here who is doing a project for school, and he has some questions about spices. Is that cool? Yeah, it's fine. I don't know a lot about spices, but I know who we just carry them. So I'll put him on. His name's Cinnamon Boy, and he loves cinnamon.

Oh, okay. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy. I love cinnamon. That's hilarious. There you go. You deserve that, you little freak. I'm not a freak. Yeah, what are you?

I'm Cinnamon Boy. All right, get him out of here. Nobody more annoying than Cinnamon Boy. But here's something that's annoying, maybe more than cinnamon boy. Do you remember that lottery that went down just a little while back? It was like the biggest lottery in the history, I think, of the world. It was like for $700 million, right? Hey, everybody.

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discount and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out and uh i don't normally buy lottery tickets i've probably done it maybe 10 times in my life okay and i'm like 300 years old um so there was all this hype and it was the on the news and you couldn't get away from this lottery it was like a living breathing entity and i was like hey you know what why not why not throw a few bucks out there you know the payoff is huge you know you spend 10 bucks and you could win 700 million it's it's worth a shot as astronomical as that shot maybe somebody's got a win right and uh and i was like just by fate was was in indiana shooting a movie and i was like i was in kind of a small town And I was like, this is where they always win. No one in L.A. wins or New York, where there's millions of people. It's always like some small little town in the middle of nowhere.

And as fate would have it, one of the winners, I think there was three winners, they announced. And one of them was this elderly couple who lived in a little small town, I think, in Ohio or Kentucky or something. Like a town really small, like 1,100 people. So I was in this small town shoot I'm like you know what I'm going to go for it I'm going to go to a little like goofy Out of the way gas station You know they're the ones that always sell them

That old like gas station that no one goes to So I go in And I buy like a hundred dollars worth of tickets I'm like you know I never do this I never buy like I'll up my chances It's a buck a ticket So I'll buy a hundred ticket. Okay. So they have the big draw, they have the big lottery, and the numbers come out,

and I look at the numbers. And, you know, I thought maybe I'd have, you know, maybe the first number or out of a hundred tries, maybe I'd have like three numbers side by side or even two numbers side by side. God forbid four numbers side by side. I didn't have any number side. I didn't have any number side by side. I did not have one number or set of numbers that were side by side. Like, you know, there's like, I think they'd draw six numbers per ticket or something.

So you'd think I'd have like maybe a four and a 32 side-by-side out of a hundred. No, nothing. And in most cases, I didn't even have a number per column. It was unbelievable. I was just like, what? Because this is the most aggressively I've ever bought a lottery ticket. You know, I could see if it was just one ticket that I bought now and then.

I like, oh, I didn't get any numbers. But when you buy a hundred, I thought, okay, I'm going to, I spent a hundred bucks. Surely there's a few that are going to string together. Nothing. Zero. Just unbelievable. It made me real, you know, they say the odds of winning a lottery, you have a better chance of getting hit by, lightning while you're riding a train to moscow while you're eating a pizza with a lion sitting

beside you or some ridiculous you know it's just insane it's like you have you have a 300 million and one chance of winning or so it's just crazy and this really drove at home i just sat there feeling like an idiot and i was alone i'm checking the numbers and i'm just you know i really didn't think I'd win, but I didn't think I'd get slapped in the face and not even have two numbers side by side. Like, not just did I lose, but I lost big. I was a huge, thanks for making me feel like a giant loser. You couldn't have given me like a little thread of hope. Couldn't have strung two, three numbers together make me feel like maybe I had a bit of luck in this world.

Oh, humiliation, a hundred bucks of nothingness. It could have gone into the gas taste. Excuse me, do you sell bags of air? The guy's like, not really. Well, if you could just blow up that paper bag there, if you could just breathe into it. Yeah, thank you. If I could just have that.

Sure, here you go, buddy. bag of air really nothing yeah i'm gonna give you a hundred bucks for that thanks dude here you go you want some more no i'll see how this bag of air works out and i'll come back okay would you like a hundred bags of air for a dollar a piece yeah you know what that sounds good that's basically what i did man Maybe I should have tied all those bags of air together and just float it away. I'll forget what a loser I was. What a loser.

Big loser. All right, I better get out of this topic before I jump off a cliff. Why am I worried about jumping off a cliff? I got a whole bunch of airbags at the bottom, right? Oh my God, did you have a good sleep last night? Did you do the spooning thing, man? Oh, the spooning thing's great. But you can only do it for so long.

I mean, ideally, you want to do it all night. You want to feel like a little squirrel and a nest all cuddled up with all the squirrelies. All the little squirrelies. You want to just be tucked right in there like a piece of Lego, stuck together like Velcro. Oh, yeah. It's nice and warm. Mm.

You can feel the heartbeat. Mm. But what happens, man? You get in there for about maybe four or five minutes. And you've got that weird arm. You got one arm. Sure, one arm can come around and, like, reach around and hold her on her chest. But where does that other arm go, man?

You stick it under your rib cage and then, about four minutes later, it starts to go numb, and you'll never fall asleep because your hand's tingling. And then you, like, put it behind you, and you've got one of those, like, suicide postures, you know? It looks like you jumped out of a 14-story window and hit the sidewalk and your arm's all twisted behind you. Then you just feel like a necrophiliac

because you're, like, I'll feel like a dead guy laying with your lady. God, what's what that arm, man? I wish it was like a Ken doll. You can just pull it off, put it on the night table. Spoon all night. Stick it back on in the morning and off you go. Spooning ain't easy, man. I think I'll stick to forking.

Yeah, that's right. I said forking, okay? It's cutlery talk, my friends. Keep on forking here on the Harland Highway. Ah, spooning and forking, some of the finer things in life. What about knifing? Yes, knifing. This is something I would like to perform with my next guest.

Dr. Ascott, as you know, from time to time, I'm required. It's mandated that I do on-air therapy sessions with the stupid therapist at the podcast to the folks who run this thing provide. It's humiliating. It's just, I don't even know where this doctor got his credentials. But nonetheless, I'm required to do it. I'm sorry you have to sit through it and hear it, but the deal is no on-air therapy, no podcast,

according to the big guy upstairs. So let's just get it over with them. I'm glad it's the end of the show. Bring them in, Dr. Ascot, my stupid therapist. Hello, Alland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Alland. What?

Allent. What? What are we doing today? What's with the licorice-colored socks? Holland, they're black. Yeah, but they got a little. Whispies, they look like licorice sticks. Holland.

What do we have to do today? Let's get it over with Ascot. Ohland, you sound pent up and aggressive today, Arland. Well, it's, you cause it. I was fine till you walked in here. You know, there is a way

to get rid of pent-up aggression, Holland. Yeah, well, how's that work? You walk out the door, How do... Is that what we're doing today then? I think that's a good place to start, Arland. Then let's do it. What do I got to do?

Well, Arland, whenever you feel pent-up aggression, what you need to do is imagine yourself getting rid of the aggression. What do you mean? All right, alleviate, Arland. All right, alleviate. How do I do that? Well, some people kick walls or punch holes and walls. But I want you to take a softer approach, Holland.

All right, what do you want me to do? Bend a Kleenex? Holland, that's ridiculous. What do you want me to do? Holland, have you ever seen a miracle in nature where baby sea turtles hatch from their eggs emerge from the sand and run to the ocean.

Yes, it's a savage process. Most of them don't make it. Most of them are snatched up by seagulls and birds, and once they get to the water, fish eat them. It's horrible. Yes, Arlen, but I want you to focus on the positive. Meaning? I want you to think about the turtles that do make it down the beach and into the water.

What has this got to do with me and my pent-up aggression? Arland, I want you to take out your aggression on a softer, gentler target. What are you talking about? Arlen, let's do an exercise in getting rid of... your pent-up aggression. All right. All right, Arland, I want you to picture the little baby turtles cracking out of their eggs, Arland. Are you kidding me?

Holland, baby cracking turtles. All right, baby cracking turtles, cracking out of their eggs. Say it nice, Holland. Little baby turtles, they're crackling out of their turtle eggs. Excellent, Alland. And now they pop their little heads out of the sand, Arland. Are you...

Alland. Little baby turtles popping heads out. Of what, Arland? Out of the sand! Holland, say it nice. There's little baby turtles popping their heads out of the sand. And now the turtles make a mad dash for the ocean, Arland.

Running down the beach. Okay, they're running down the beach. Nicely. The turtles are running down the beach. And along comes Harlem full of pent-up aggression. What? Say it. Oh, along comes Harlem full of pent-up aggression.

And now he's going to get rid of the aggression. How do I do that? Do you see the baby turtle that almost made it to the water's edge, Holland? Yes. Stomp on it. What? Stomp on the little turtle, Arlen. No, I'm not.

Get your aggression out, Arlen. Stomp on the soft, preformed shell of the baby turtle. No, I'm not. Stomp the life out of the little, helpless, stupid turtle, Arlen. Get all... No, I'm not. Get out of here! Arlen, smash the turtle into the sand. like a cheap piece of Korean garbage.

What is that even... Get out of here! Stomp the turtle into the sand! Little helpless baby! Take your work boot and grind it into the sand like a dirty cigarette butt, Holland. Get out of here! Holland!

Get out! Sicko! Take your licorice socks out of here. Stomp the motherfucker, Holland. Get out! God! Guy goes all street on me at the end, using the F-bomb. What a creep.

Unbelievable. Oh, what a way to end a great show. That dillweed comes in. A thousand and one apologies. Oh, God. Anyways. Little baby turtles. getting crunched up into the sand.

Let's get on to some more positive stuff to end the show, shall we? Don't forget this weekend, my fine friends. If you live in the San Diego community of California, this is awesome. I'm going to be at the American Comedy Co. And I'm going to be doing stand-up down there, May 10, 11, 12, and 13. uh my first time down there first time uh down doing uh a full weekend of comedy in san diego so this is going to be good if you live in the l a area drive on down orange county drive on down if you live

on the east coast fly on over i want the whole country to come want to be a line up out the door 300 million people. Yeah, that's how much I want everyone there. So that'll be awesome. And the following weekend, oh, my God, one of my faves, we have in Utah, I'll be at Wise Guys. Wise guys in Salt Lake City, great club, great crowd, great fans in Utah.

You can go to wise guyscom If you're in Utah And if you're in San Diego Go to Americancomedyco.com. And come on out and see the kid. Rock it out, baby. And then don't forget, you can call at 323-739-4-3-3-0. You can join the Twitter parade.

I'm at at Harlan Williams. uh you can get on my facebook uh page joining the facebook where i post a lot of fun stuff and uh don't forget the uh the store at harlom williams dot com where you can order your merch and if you have an ipad or any kind of uh one of those reading devices you can go to the uh i i book store and download my book The things you don't know, you don't know, for $1.99. It's a special, and I'm very excited. It's the lowest the book's ever been. It's as cheap as we can get it, working with the folks at Apple.

That's the lowest we can get it as a special little deal for all the fans out there. So I hope you get a chance to download that and pick it up and have some laughs. And that is it. That is it for today. Hope you had a good time. Tell your friends and family to get on the Harlan Highway. And we're just going to keep on trucking, baby. And until next time, my friends, chicken.

Show me, baby!