The Harland Highway - 396: MOTHERS DAY, STARING AT ASS, PRANK CALL

Episode Date: May 10, 2012

It's mothers day, checking out asses, killer whales, yummy toothpaste, a prank call to a bird sanctuary. Steam my dry clean!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy jumping tomato paste. If tomato paste could actually jump and it was holy, then maybe I'd have something there, but disregard my opening comments because they have no meaning. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. My name is Harland Williams. I am the host of the Harland Highway.

Hope you're ready to have some giggles and some chuckles. we're going to make a crank call to a bird sanctuary today. Yeah, crank call to a bird sanctuary should be fun. And then I'm going to be talking about asses. I'm going to be talking about guys looking at other guys' asses. Yeah, a little creepy, but it's true. I've done it and all you other guys listening have done it. Yeah, you'll be surprised to realize you've done it.

We're going to be talking about toothpaste, primarily flavored toothpaste. It is delicious. Hello. And speaking of delicious, killer whales. And can you imagine the number of kills they make every year? They're killer whales. And then also it's a very special day today. It's Mother's Day.

We're going to be talking about how you can treat your mother and make her feel very special, just the way you feel when you're ready. right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. This is Harlan Williams swimming down the Harlan Highway with y'all. I went down to SeaWorld on the weekend, man. You ever been to Sea World? Oh, what a truck. treat that is, man. Seeing dolphins swirling around and stingrays and sharks and walruses and seals and fat women and spandex.

What a treat. Howl how? But here's what I don't get, man. I go to this thing. It's the killer whale show. Shamu, the killer whale, okay? So I'm thinking, great. Right there, it's all there on the name.

The Killer Whale Show. Somebody's going to die. somebody's going to get killed i can't wait we love violence right america i can't wait to see the killer whale kill something so i go i sit in the stands and there's this giant killer shamu or paprika or someone's swimming around in there man big shiny black wall of muscle with these little white patches around its eyes. It's like a swimming panda that's been flattened out by a steam roller. They're like, all right,

there's the killer whale. Let's see some killing. So sure enough, this guy walks out in a shiny black wetsuit. I mean, this guy's glistening. He looks like black liquor's ready to eat.

And I'm like, what's this guy going to do, man? And lo and behold, he jumps in the water. I'm like, all right, this sucker's done, man. This dude's going to be eating. And sure enough, here comes the killer whale, man. He's moving in. Don, don, don, dun, dun, don.

He swims up to the guy in the wetsuit. Oh, I know he's going to get killed. Yes. And what the hell? He kisses the thing. What in the name of sweet God, he's kissing the killer whale. I'm thinking, oh, man, you don't kiss a killer whale. Now he's dead.

Well, what happens next? He jumps on the things back and starts riding around like he's on a surfboard, man. Jumping through the air with him, and he's dangling a sardine in his mouth. And the killer whale's jumping up and taking it out of his mouth. What are you doing, Shamu? Pull his head off Bite his ass cheek off Turn him into a one-ass-cheeked wonder

Owl Killer whale Ooh real scary there Hey Shammu You're a real killer there Freddy Kruger I would want to get in the water with you Jason the 13th

It's more dangerous to stick your face In a fish tank Let a starfish suck your face Oh, well. I think I'll go eat some sushi. All right, this is going to come off sounding a bit weird what I'm about to say here. But how many guys listening have checked out other guys' asses? And even more specifically, how many.

guys listening have checked out their best friend's asses mm-hmm you hear that sound that's bowling if you've bowled you've checked out your your guy friend's asses really good and your girlfriend's asses

everybody's ass that's the thing you ever go bowling you can't help but check out the people you're bowling with his asses that's hard to say bowling with his asses us the people you're bowling with is what I'm trying to say

you can't avoid seeing their ass because you all sit on the benches behind where they get up to bowl and they get up to ball and they're blocking the pins okay and they stand there and for the first time in your life you're like

man Jim's got a fat ass Or hey, look at Barry's ass. If I was a girl, I'd think that's a hot ass. Look at Danny's ass. That thing's flatter. That's like a Panetta bread. Flat ass. Flatbread ass.

Right? You can't help it. You know, maybe if you play one game, you're in and out quickly. But if you sit around and play three, four games of bowling, which is what most people do, you're staring at your buddy's ass. and for the first time you kind of notice the shape of it and what it looks like it's weird it's awkward and you also get self-conscious uh about your ass i went bowling like a few nights ago and uh you know about halfway through the game i started realizing when i've got my back to all my buddies

there's nothing really to look at your eyeline because most of them are sitting down in those stools so their eyeline doesn't go up to my shoulders, doesn't go down to my ankles. Their eye line is straight to the ass. So, you know, girls, if you're feeling like inadequate, like your boyfriend or your husband isn't checking out your ass enough lately or complimenting on your ass, or let's say you've been at the gym

and you've been working on your ass You want to show it off You should just be like Hey honey Why don't we do something different tonight Oh yeah, what's that? You want to get a unicorn? What?

No, what did you mean? Well, why don't we go bowling? I don't know Let's go bowling It's so fun We haven't done it for a long time Meanwhile the subtext in her head I want him to see my ass

I want him to see my fresh new ass they've been working out in the gym with. So there you go. I mean, bowling is a sport, I guess, kind of. If rolling a ball down some wood can be a sport, I guess. Believe me, I know it takes skill. I'm actually a pretty good bowler, if I do say so myself. But it is weird.

If you go, you're going to have a lot of recreational fun, But just be warned, you're going to get to know your best friends's assizes. I can't even say that right. And that makes me an ass. So there you go. Your best friends is assizes, and I'm an assizes. Strike! Billy, you get in there and brush your teeth.

I don't want a old bag. Put in there and brush your teeth, Billy. Remember those days when you hated brushing your teeth? Even nowadays, as an adult, that ain't the funnest thing in the world, right? You always come out of the bathroom and you smell like the back of an ambulance. I don't know, toothpaste. It's always like minty or spearminty or cinnamon. Who needs that when you're going to sleep at night?

Your mouth is like vibrant and alive. you feel like you should be making out with a camel. Oh, man, but Crest has done it, man. Oh, this weekend, I found it. They came up with a new flavor. They got vanilla. Vanilla-flavored toothpaste. What a treat.

It is delicious, man. I ate a whole tube. I started brushing my teeth. Started eating my toothbrush. All the little bristles. Tasted like icing, man. I thought I was eating a pepperage farmer. layer cake. I just lay down and squirt at my mouth. I pretend I'm on Mars walking around eating

space food. Give me some more vanilla toothpaste. Can I eat the crust? Oh my God, it's delicious. So long, aqua fresh. I'm going to ice my birthday cake with crest vanilla. How about Crest double-fud chocolate bubble gum. Hello. Screw it. I'm just going to start brushing my teeth with ice cream, man. Oh, way to go, Crest. Thanks for making my cavities taste delicious.

Keep on smiling here on the Harlan Highway. Mother, do you think they'll like this song. They'll try to break My balls Oh, yes, Mother's Day, happy Mother's Day, to all the mothers listening. All the mothers and all the mother all the mothers everywhere. Happy Mother's Day.

Today is the day. What a treat. And we give thanks to our mothers for carrying us around for nine months, for popping us out into this world, for giving us life. There's probably days when we curse our mothers for popping us out into this world. But we are here. And we're doing the best we can. And I hope you take just a moment today, just a moment, 30 seconds, maybe a text, maybe leave a phone message, maybe even send flowers.

You ever think of that? Your mother brought you into this world and you phone the flower company. And let's be honest, it's about you call 1-800 flowers. and it's like 50 to 100 bucks to send a nice vase full of flowers. And you're like, oh, man, no, no, no, no, no. I can, well, hey, wait a minute. You wouldn't be here without your mother. And you're like, oh, I don't have that kind of relationship with my mother.

I'm not touchy-feely. I'm not like, we're not lovey-dovey. She's my mom. We're cool. She knows I love her. Hey, screw you. Your mother is worth. the $50 or the $100 or the $1,000 or unlimited dollars.

She's your mother. And yeah, you don't see her much anymore and you don't talk to her as much and you're not as close as used to be. Whatever. Did you ever just sit down and think that, man, that's my unit, man. I came out of that. We get so caught up in our lives and we get so busy immersed in our own, world, our own jobs, our own social settings.

Think about it. Think about it. There's another human being wandering the planet that you were inside of. That they were your home for nine months. That was your safe harbor. That body, that host body, your mother nurtured you with her bodily fluids with with with her womb and uh no matter what your relationship is don't you think your mom's worth it don't you think your mom's worth it even if it's a day late okay today's mother's day you're going

you know what it's today oh i missed it you know what i'll do this next year no no no you're not this is your homework assignment from me to you okay and even if you don't have a good with your mother. Maybe she's a drunk. Maybe she beat you. Maybe she wasn't nice to you. Maybe she ripped you off. Maybe she did the worst things ever imaginable. But at the end of the day, you're a part of her. And so I want you just for five minutes, put all your differences aside, put all your emotions, put all your own selfish needs. and feelings aside and go, you know what? I'm going to pick up the phone and I'm going to send my mother some flowers. And is she worth 50 bucks? Is she worth 100 bucks?

Hells to the yas she is. Okay, and the reason I'm saying 1-800 flowers, I don't have a deal with them. I don't endorse them, but that's the easiest way to make sure you guys don't cop out because that's what I do. I call 1-800 flowers because it's a no-brain. Gee, how do I send flowers?

You know, if only I knew how to send flowers, I would send flowers to my mother, but I don't know. I don't have the yellow pages. I don't know any flower shops around me. You know what? Sorry, Ma. I wish I could have done it, you know? Okay, Sandy?

Suddenly I'm John Travolta here. But you have a cell phone. You have a home line. You dial 1,800 flowers. Can you do that? think you're smart enough to do that and a friendly operator comes on and you say look i want to send something for mother's day for like between 40 and 100 bucks and they walk you through it and they go well we have a nice little thing that's uh an arrangement of sunflowers and one-eyed snapdragons and gazangela's

and that comes in a nice glass vase with water and that's delivered right to the door and that one's 59.92. And you go, sold. Here's my mother's address. Out the door and to your mother the next day. And by the way, they say, and what would you like the card to say?

And that's where it gets a little weird because suddenly you're telling a complete telemarketer stranger like, well, dear mom, I love you. And whatever my nickname is. What is your nickname, sir? Um, Cookie Crisp Cinnamon Boy. Okay, excellent.

so it's a homework assignment from me to you i don't give them to you very often do i and you don't have to do it of course you don't have to do it but wouldn't be nice what if you were think about it switch places with your mother right now think about where your mother is maybe she lives in another state maybe she lives in another country i don't maybe you live together i don't know but take take her place and you become her and she becomes you and imagine a beautiful bouquet of flowers came and does it seem cheesy yes does it seem old-fashioned yes but

I guarantee you you will put a light in your mother's heart by doing this hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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And it's worth it. Once you commit, once you sign off on the $50 or the $100 and you hang up the phone and the orders placed, you're going to feel like a million bucks. And don't think about that money. Don't go, you know, my budget's tight, I can't, I have a car payment, I, I got to take the kids to soccer camp, I'm going out for a trip next month. That's all on you. That's your selfish world. It's not really selfish, but that's your world. That's the world you live in, and it's like, whoopty-do. Your mother's bigger than anything in your world, okay?

she's bigger than anything in your world so treat her send her a little gift i always say this i guarantee when you die my friends you will have fifty dollars or a hundred dollars in a bank account or a bunch of pennies in a drawer a bunch of coins or your car your car's probably worth a few grand you can't take it with you so i know i'm being a brat i'm I know I'm being a pest, but believe me, in the end, this is good. You're going to look good. You're going to look good. You'll probably bring a tear to your mother's eye,

and you're going to feel good inside. It's once a year. Are you telling me once a year you can't drop $50 on your mother? All right, are you gilded out yet? Do you feel the heat? the pressure? Who is this? My mother is dead.

What? What was that? Even if you have the Norman Bates psycho mother. Even if your mother is in a wheelchair with a wig and she's a corpse, send her the damn flowers, okay? Tell your mother you love her. And if you're not that kind of family

where you don't use the L word, the flowers will say it all. all. Now, it is Mother's Day, so I thought, you know, maybe I should share a story about my mother, right? That seems appropriate. Let's tell a mother's story. So here's a fun one that I used to do. And this is how you'll get a glimpse into what an idiot I am, how I grew up to be such a nimrod.

Oh, I'm laughing already, because it's full. Funny to me. I know what's coming. You don't. You might not think it's funny. You probably won't. But this is what I did as a young boy, not even a young boy, right up into my late teens, okay? We lived in a house in the suburbs. And I have four sisters. And we lived with my mom and my dad, obviously. And all the bedrooms were at the top of the stairs. And at the bottom of the stairs was the living room. And in the living room, right near. the bottom of the stairs from where the bedrooms were there was a chair in the living room was my mom's favorite chair it was right by the window and she loved to sit there and read my mom's a reader she reads all the time right and growing up we had our grandmother who god bless her this is this is uh happy mother's day is for her too uh she passed away when i was in my my mid 20s but she She had an interesting voice. My grandmother had kind of a little bit of a pelican neck,

like a lot of people in my family. We don't really have a chin, and we got kind of a baggy throat instead of a neck and an Adam's apple. It looks like you ever see a pelican after it's dived underwater and there's fish hanging in its bill? That's what our throats look like, a lot of people in my family. It's really the curse of the Williams-Odonal, plan um but anyways my my grandmother had this kind of throat and and she kind of had this

voice where she got had a bit of a weird like uh her voice can be a bit like up here sometimes you know she's like what are you doing boys and girls and i'm exaggerating it a bit but that's kind of what it sounded like so my mother's name is lorraine okay and we'd all be up and bad. I'd be in my room. I had the only solo bedroom because I was the only boy, and then my two older sisters shared a bedroom, and my two little sisters shared a bedroom.

And we'd all be upstairs, and my mom was sitting down in the living room reading, and I knew my sister's door was open, and both of them, and I knew they could hear me, and it would be dead silent, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, just for kicks because I knew it would make my sister's laugh and I knew it would freak my mom out.

I would yell my mother's name, but in my grandmother's voice, I'd yell Lorraine. So it would just be quiet, crickets chirping, middle of the night, and then all of a sudden, for no reason, I'd go, Lorraine! Right, and then I'd just start howling. Howling, and then my sisters would start laughing.

I could hear them in their other rooms. And then it was just quiet, right? And then I'd do it. I'd wait. I'd wait about three, four minutes. And then I was like, Lorraine! And, you know, my mom didn't really react.

And then by the third one, like six minutes later, Lorraine! What is that? Who is doing that? Who is calling my name? cut it out go to sleep and by this time my sisters are cracking up i'm cracking up uh and as i said now you can see why i was a dillweed at the early stages of my life but it was fun man so there you go a little little uh inside harland williams um mother's day remembering and

And as I said, please, I know I was kind of bullying you in the opening segment about Mother's Day, but in all sincerity, if you get the chance, if you feel it, this is just a suggestion. But look inside your heart, think about your mom. And if you can, send her some nice flowers. And to all the mothers listening, hey, happy Mother's Day. I think I'll call a bird sanctuary. Yeah, they've got a lot of nice tropical birds down in Florida. I'll call the bird sanctuary and check in on my birds

and see how they're enjoying their winter break. Name the northern bird sanctuary. How can I help you? Hello? Hello? Can I help you? Oh. Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Can I help you? Hello? Hello? Can I help you? Can I help you?

Can I help you? Do you want something or not? Hello? I help you. Wow. Okay. I guess that lady at the bird sanctuary is giving me the bird. She hung up on, she hung up on I was trying to talk to her in Bird and oh well Rude

I'm just rude You'd think a bird sanctuary would understand my please Oh what are you going to do Anyhow let's move on baby Don't forget starting tonight in San Diego So excited I haven't done stand up in San Diego I don't think ever. I think I did a corporate gig once,

but I've never done a San Diego comedy club. So this is a first. I'm going to be in San Diego, California, at the American Comedy Co. And you can get tickets for these shows at Americancom. And I will be there tonight, Thursday, May 10th through the 13th. So I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Sunday. And I'm super jazzed up, man.

We are going to have a blast. And then if you're in town in Burbank on this Tuesday, the 15th, May 15th, it's the Apple Tree Boys sketch comedy show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. Go online and get your tickets at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. It's an 8 o'clock show. It's a full-on improv set, sketch comedy. Tons of fun. And then, yes, I am going back to Chicago.

I will be in Chicago May 31st through to June 3rd. And that'll be awesome. And then the second week in June, I'm down in Tampa at the improv. So a lot of good comedy dates coming up for me. Tampa's June 7th to the 10th at the Tampa Improv. May 31st to June 3rd, the Chicago Improv, which is in Schaumburg. Great Club. Don't forget, you can call me 323739-4330.

You can write to me at harlindwilliams.com. You can download the Harland Highway on your cell phone at Stitcher. Get the Stitcher radio app and download that for free, and you can listen to the highway wherever. you go and check out harlem williams.com if you want to write me a letter or if you want to pick up some merchandise in the store we have some new items in the store a lot of fun check it out and uh once more happy mother's day to everybody uh you can follow me on facebook or at harland williams on twitter and uh look forward to the next podcast hope you had a great time

Happy Mother's Day, and until next time, chicken chalmayne, mother. Who is this? My mother is dead.