The Harland Highway - 397: CELEBRITY RACES, MASSAGES, SAYING PRAYERS

Episode Date: May 14, 2012

Car names, massage chairs, fast talking folks, celebrity races, birds, and the argument over prayers. Bless my face!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, mister, you got a dime? Aw, tut, tut. Beep, okay, suddenly I'm Donna Summer. Way to scare away your listeners, Williams. This is me, Williams, Harland Williams. And you are on the Harland Highway, and I am your host, Donna, Harlan Williams. And what a show we have today? Have you ever sat in one of those massage chairs?

Oh, heaven. heaven on earth got to talk about that um and speaking of talking how about the the the fast talkers the guys on tv that talk really fast and try to sell you stuff are you annoyed yet are you annoyed well we're going to talk about those idiots um what kind of car do you drive when you're driving around maybe driving down the highway the harland highway does your car have a dopey name i don't know it might we're going to find out and then oh my god we're going to the Celebrity racetrack today. I believe it's all A-list directors running for the gold today.

And then you ever have a bird fly into your window? Not fun. We're going to talk about that. And lastly, prayers. Do you say prayers? Do you say grace before you eat dinner? I had a little encounter with some people that do. Interesting stuff.

We're going to talk about it right here on the holier than thou. Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Alright let's get this sucker going huh You're causing a major disturbance On my time

It's the Harland Highway What's up, Brad? If I'm here and you're here Doesn't that make it our time? I have come here To chew bubble gum And kick ass Am I hallucinating here

Just what in the hell Do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for Corn Flakes.

Hey, you're motoring down the Harlan Highway with Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's right, man. What kind of car you drive on as you're rolled down the highway with me? What do you got? Got some pretty funky names out there, don't we? For cars, huh? You're driving a Corolla? A Toyota Corolla?

With a lime wedge on the roof? That's not a Corolla, man. That's a Corona. A Toyota Corona. You're driving a probe? Oh, what kind of name is that for a car? A probe. You kind of have to have a bat cave if you own a probe, don't you?

Oh, hello! How about a neon, man? Yeah, aren't neon light supposed to be to draw your eye? Isn't it for advertising? Boop, boop, boom, boom, neon? Do you really want to attract attention to yourself if you're driving a Dodge Neon? Gee, what should I get? The new Dodge Neon or a Razor scooter?

Hmm. They both go about the same speed. How about the infinity, man? Anybody driving infinity? You're going to be driving it for a long time. What about the Durango? Who the hell wants to drive a Durango, man? Oh, yeah, you drive a wine cooler?

Who names their truck after a wine cooler, man? I'm driving the new Chrysler Zima. Unbelievable. How about the Ford Focus? Yeah, let's see you drive your Ford Focus. after you've been drinking. What is it then? A Ford out of focus? Explorer. Huh. How many of you explore in your vehicle?

You go to work, you go home, you go to the movies, you go to the mall. Ooh, way to go, Indiana Jones. Most exploring you'll ever do in your car is going through the drive-thru. Hey, they got a new Swiss mushroom burger over at Burger King. Oh man, jump in the Explore. Jump of the Explorer. We've got to discover that, man. I think I'll go buy myself a Hummer.

Yeah. Now there's a name for a vehicle. Ow! Mm-hmm. Yeah. You sit in your car a lot, don't you? And car seats are pretty comfortable. You know, traditionally you can drive for a long, long time.

And you're pretty comfy in your car seat. Unless you like me, you carry a wallet in your back pocket. And if you're going on a long trip at about the hour, hour and a half mark, you're like, whoa, what's that lump on my butt? Ouch! And then you realize you've been sitting on your wallet, so you take it out, throw it on the seat, and then you forget it on the seat when you go in and stop for Denny's. But here's another type of chair that I love.

I love this chair. Have you ever seen one of these electric massage chairs? You'll see them in public places at malls, at airports, bus stations. And I've noticed most people avoid them because they cost money. They cost like a dollar for like, you know, three, four minutes. Or you can put in $5 and you get about 10, 15 minutes. And just let me tell you, they are worth it, man. Oh, Lord, sweet, thundering jizes.

Oh, oh, oh, massage. Oh, oh, chair. Oh, Charles. Yeah, I get excited, man. When I see those at the airport, oh, I go for it. I mean, everybody's got like a bunch of $1 bills in their wallet, right? Or in their purse. It's almost like if you're at a strip club, you just throw away the ones, right?

So take my advice Sit down in one of these chairs I think most people's perception is that they just sit there and they hum And they're like But no no no no no These things are engineered so that there's all these moving pieces There's like these slow rolling like rollers That go right up your spine

They go right up your spine And right on the back of your neck And then they go right down to just above your ass crack and they you know the more you press yourself into the chair the deeper the the rub is oh it is nice man it feels real nice i'll just sit in there until my plane comes you know they're raid at the gate there's one airport i go to where there's one raid at the gate and when the lady says uh sir you're we're ready to board your flight what seat are you in i said you know what i'm in this seat Okay, roll this seat right onto the plane.

I want a Swedish back massage all the way home, please. Yeah. So little consumer tip from me to you. If you have the chance, for God's sakes, go out and sit in one of these massage chairs. They've changed. They're not like they used to be where it's just kind of like. lame. They really get in there and do the rub. All right, I'm dating one. Okay? I'm dating a massage chair. That's how good it is. Okay?

So there you go. My full, full endorsement. Hi, you're listening to the Harland Highway. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting peak. Did you get what I said, people? No. These commercials, or you hear commercials on the radio, or you see them on TV, and these guys come on at the end, and they do the little disclaimer thing.

You know, there's a commercial about a brand-new pill that's going to cure everything. You can walk on water. You can fly. Your arthritis will be gone. And you're like, I can't wait to bite into these pills. Right at the end, there's that quick little, speedy little... Wait a minute, did I hear that?

Side effects may include diarrhea, vomiting, purple eyes, nostril hairs, Chinese food, Dustin Hoffman, Wigwam, $3 bill, elephant droppings, nostril face, garlic bread. Yeah, you know they're slipping something in there, man. What is up, player? What is up? Fast talk me, man.

You ever slow one of those things down, man? You get some TiVo action gone, and you just slow it right down. Sider fredks may include vomiting, diarrhea, death, vegetation, a seven-year coma, and you're just going to be fried, sucker. You take this product and you're putting your wife in your hands, you big loser. Yeah, slow it down and listen to the subtext. I better go take a pill, clear my head. Get ready for the next segment here.

the Harland Highway. Side effects may include loombing, driving backwards, eating cheese, eating the mouse, the firewall, blah, blah, the big bong,

ping pong, ping pong, ding, jing jing d'i-dong, ding-dong. And speaking of fast, how about the energy of the racetrack? How many of you go to the races, the horse races, the car races?

Well, here at the Harland Highway, we do things a little differently. What we have is a celebrity race track, and we actually have world-famous celebrities race each other down the Harland Highway Celebrity Race Track. So without further ado, let's get down there with our announcer, Charles Parsley, and enjoy another fabulous Harland Highway Celebrity Race. One minute to post time.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. and welcome to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. My name is Charles Parsley. It's some excellent celebrities' day. World famous directors from the motion picture industry, Martin Scorsese, Stephen Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino, and Oliver Stone. Wonderful directors, each of them successful in their own ride.

They're lined up at the gate, ready to go, and there's the bell. They're off. They are off, ladies and gentlemen. and four famous directors running down the track at full tilt. Martin Scorsese out in the lead, being followed closely by Gwitten Tarantino, who looks like he's wearing girls' jeans.

Oliver Stone pulling up the rear, and Stephen Spielberg. Stephen Spielberg stopping and looking around, holding his finger and his thumb up, as if he's framing up a shot. But now he's started running again. He's chasing Scorsese, and it looks like Oliver Stone has stopped. He's stopped to talk to Stephen Spielberg.

He's talking to him about politics in the middle of the track. Spielberg is politely nodding his hand, and he can't take it anymore. Spielberg is off. Oliver Stone turns to the crowd and tries to spew his political points of view. They're not having any of it. They're throwing soft. drinks and hot dogs and Oliver Stone. And Scorsese is now being passed by Quentin Tarantino in his girl's jeans.

And Scorsese is very upset. He's waved to the crowd and it looks like five mafia-type mobsters have come out. They are chasing Quentin Tarantino. They've tracked him down and they are pummeling him with baseball bats. Quentin Tarantino, the king of cool, but yet he's a gigantic nerd who looks like if he took his pants off, the room would start to smell, and Oliver Stone standing there, shrugging his shoulders, yelling about the state of the world, the state of political affairs, and nobody wants to hear it. One of the mobsters has hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat,

and Scorsese chasing Spielberg, who's now sugar-coating everything. Spielberg is pouring clumps of sugar and dumping sugar all over, and Spielberg and Spilberg and Scorsese they're coming to the line and it's Spielberg crosses the line as he threw sugar in Martin Scorsese's eyes and he cannot see he's rolling on the track as his mobsters tend to him Oliver Stone still lost in a haze of his own politics and Spielberg winning the race by sugar decoding everything the way he's done so famously in the film industry. And Quentin Tarantino, writhing on the track, his body twitching, baseball bat wounds, his battered bones, his legs twitching up and down in what looks like.

I'll say it again, a pair of girls' jeans. Thank you for a wonderful day. I'm Charles Parsley. sky it's a bird it's a plane it's a bird what is with birds man if you ever had a bird fly into your window how do they fly around for 350 days of the year without hitting a window and then on day 351 splat what's going through their head they're like hmm you know what i think i'd like to go into that living room today but that bedroom looks nice normally I don't go into that fly zone, but I think I'm going to try and go in.

And the only way in is I'm going to have to ram my way in, because there's some damn nice pottery barn furniture in that bedroom, man. Dive, dive, dive, dive. Oh, my God, idiots. What the hell are they thinking, man? Put some meat on your bones, man. What is a chickadee think or a sparrow? Most windows you can throw a baseball at and they might not crack.

You're what, a seven-ounce bird? Maybe an ostrich could headbutter's way into your living room. Tell you what, man. Go to your local sporting goods store and buy yourself a helmet. Maybe get one with a point on it. You can blast right through my window. Well, as often as birds smash into windows, here's something that isn't a smash for some people.

And I don't mean a physical smash. I just mean, oh, smashing, you know, that type of smash. I was out to dinner recently with a group of friends, group of people. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, we went to a nice place to eat. And one of the people at the table suggested that before we eat we say a little prayer and I was like I was fine with it

but the reaction at the table was really strong like one of the people were like fuck no fuck no I don't do that shit I was like no I'm not comfortable with that no thank you

like it was a it was like a knee jerk a really strong reaction to prayer. Now, I'm not a guy that says grace or says prayers before I eat, and I don't have a problem with people that do. But I don't know. At the end of the day, is saying a prayer a bad thing? I mean, when you say prayers, I think when you say prayers,

you're usually like praying for good things, or you're giving thanks. for things in this case you know you're probably the prayer never happened but I'm sure the prayer would have been something like

thank you for bringing us all together thank you for this food the friends and blah blah blah okay and I was very taken aback by the reaction that that rippled

through the table um there were a few things that went on. One, the reaction was so quick that I couldn't tell where it came from with the people that didn't want to do it. I almost felt like

it didn't have anything to do with religion, but it had more to do with politics. It had more to do with the underlying kind of sense that it's not cool to be affiliated with God or

if you have any faith or if you believe in a higher power, you're kind of a dip shit. And it felt like that kind of reaction. Like, I mean, I said, oh, no, I don't want to, I'm not, I don't get into that crap. No, not me. I'm cooler. I'm smarter. I'm too smart for religion.

I'm too smart for prayer. I'm too smart for the beginnings of everything. And, uh, and I'm not an overly religious guy. And I, like I said, I don't say prayer when I eat. But at the same time, I was like, yeah, whatever, let's say a prayer. You know, I don't care if we do. I'm not offended by it. But at the same time, I'm not, like, vocally, like, adamantly against it.

Like, with this big, loud reaction. And it was interesting because what made me feel bad is that I wasn't sure where the people who objected to, where their objection was coming from. But I also saw the reaction of the person that, there was two people that wanted to do the prayer, and they kind of cowered to the aggressive nature of the people that were adamantly against the prayer. So the two people who wanted to say the prayer kind of retreated into their shelter. a little bit, and they kind of laughed it off.

Oh, you know, I was just kidding. We don't have to. And it was hard to watch because, you know, here was someone who wanted to probably wish good things on the group. And then here are these other people that just seemed to come from an angry place that they were against it. And I don't know. It sadden me a bit because it's like Since when does wishing good things on people Become a negative

And I know there's people listening going Hey man, it's freedom of religion, man You can't force your prayer on other people You can't you can't like force Jesus on the salad bar And the entree dude I mean you can't make me sit hear your prayers, and you can't force me to be involved in your prayers. Pass the breadsticks, by the way.

And I'm like, okay, so you're at a table, and maybe two people don't want the prayer, but what if everyone else does? Like, does that make the people that don't want the prayer right? Do they win the day? Do they, uh, does what, do their needs and desires supersede everyone else's? Or could they just politely go, you know what, I'm not going to participate, but if you guys want to say a prayer, go ahead. I appreciate that that's what you want to do.

I'm not going to hold hands. I'm not going to, uh, say the prayer. I'm not going to say the amen. But if, if saying a prayer is your custom, please go ahead and say the prayer. but there was no time for that it was like hey how about we say oh no I'm not doing that shit no I don't do that shit

I'm not comfortable with that it was just like just like a snap snap shut them down shut down the prayer I'll be damned I'll be damned if anybody wishes me good tidings and joy

I'll be hell bent before someone blesses my roast beef, oh, Zhu. I'll be damned if the good Lord gets involved with my garlic bread, okay? And I don't know, I'm not looking at this from a religious point of view. Well, I guess I am a bit. I guess because, you know, the connotation of prayer is religion. But I guess, I don't know.

It's everyone has their rights. Everyone has their space, but it was kind of a sad thing to see. And I guess my question is to people that don't practice prayer and don't want prayer around them, is there ever a point in time where you just kind of go, hey, you know what? I'm the only one here that doesn't want this. I think I'll just go ahead and let everyone else do it.

And, you know, I'll just sit here quietly, or maybe I'll excuse myself from the table or who knows, maybe I'll just join in in the prayer. You know, I don't have to, I don't have to make it authentic, but I could go through the motions while everyone says their little prayer. But I guess just the divisiveness of it, the way the table divided. and I don't know

I'm here's my feeling and whether it's religious or not religious whenever anybody wants to heap good wishes on you whenever anybody wants to heap love on you and whenever somebody wants to wish good intentions and health and happiness on you

I think that's good energy to take and I wonder if sitting at that table was someone like the Dalai Lama and these same people who would be in awe of the Dalai Lama and he said before we eat our food may I suggest we all join hands

and say prayer how many at that table you think would have gone oh fuck no fuck no dolly huh no way Lama no effing way am I saying a prayer. By the way, these mushroom caps are delicious. Waiter, can we get some more shrimp poppers for the dolly? You know?

But let me close it out. Let me reiterate. I don't think it's ever a bad thing if someone wishes good thoughts on you, whether it's a Muslim guy kneeling on a carpet beside your table, bowing to you and saying, I wish your food is holy. I wish you swallow your food nicely. I wish you on your family health and happiness. Or it's a Buddhist going, I wish you peacefulness and soulfulness as you eat your cord on the cob.

Or whether it's a Christian or a Jew or whoever, Dear Lord, please bless this food. Please bless these people at this table, for they are my friends. you for bringing us together, and I wish them all, health and happiness, in God's name, thank you for your blessings, all man. Now, was that so bad, even for people that don't like religion? Is that a bad thing that that prayer gets directed at you? I guess I can't say, because I'm not like an atheist, but I guess I can say, I think I feel a little bit sorry for people who can't accept that and that's my personal opinion and would you please please pass the green

beans and the mashed potatoes hey hey hey it's that time everybody where i show my genius and yes i randomly go out on the edge i randomly flip open the encyclopedia i blindly pinpoint a word A random word, and I eloquently put it into a sentence. Right before your very ears. Here we go. I'm opening the dictionary. I'm not even looking, and the word is Paul. Okay, let's see what this means.

Surname, small, akin to Paucus, a masculine name, Jew of Tarsus, who became the apostle of Christianity to the Gentiles, author of several letters in the New Testament. Okay. Paul. This one's kind of easy, so here goes. Hey, Paul, you look like ass. How was that?

Hey, I'm going to the store with Paul. It's too easy. I did two. I did two. I'd like to see you people try and put Paul into a sentence as quickly and as eloquently as I did. Dream on, players. I own the dictionary. Your ass is grass.

Paul ass. Yeah, not only is your ass grass, but your ass is done. We are done. We are at the end of the podcast. Good sweet Lord. Whoops, was that a prayer? Uh-oh. Sorry.

So let's go through a few little announcements Before we hit the trail I will be doing a show tomorrow night That's May 15th at Flappers Comedy Club In Burbank, California, great club It's an all-impro show It's not my normal stand-up comedy show It's sketch comedy

Doing it with my comedian friend Sean Tweedley And we take suggestions from the crowd and yada, yada, yada, yada, and we do a all-sketch comedy show. And then the next podcast coming up is this Thursday. I have a very special guest. She's an author,

a five, she's on the New York Times bestseller list. Really funny author, actress, comedian coming up. I won't tell you who. All right, I will. It's Sarah Colonna from the Chelsea Lately show. And that'll be the next podcast coming up on Thursday, the 17th of May. And then on the 18th and 19th of May, you can catch me at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, Utah. Incredible comedy club out there.

It's amazing. And then coming up at the end of May, May 31st through June 3rd, I will be at the Schaumburg Improv, just outside of that. of Chicago. So check it out. A lot going on. Don't forget, you can call me at 323739-4330. You can write me at harlunewyms.com.

And you can listen on your cell phone if you get the Stitcher Radio app. You can download that and you can listen to the highway on your phone. And also go to the store at Harlan Williams.com. Check out all the hot merch for your enjoyment. And that's it, man. That's all we got. You should pray that there's no more. I can't fucking do that, man.

Sorry. So there you go. Without any religious aspect attached to it, I do give thanks for you being here, being the pavement pounders that you are, listening to the show, supporting the show, tell your friends and family. And I do wish you well.

and hope nothing but good things for all of you folks listening and we will catch you next time and until then there's always a great big bowl of chicken chau main baby sitting on the table for you