The Harland Highway - 398: SARAH CALONNA - AUTHOR, COMEDIAN, ACTOR

Episode Date: May 17, 2012

SARAH CALONNA, a very funny and talented author and comedian shares her insights with us today. We chat about relationships, North Korea, and do a Celebrity Quiz at the end of the show. Yes indeedy doodle!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. As you know, here on the Harlan Highway, you know, I like to mix it up. I like to do shows where it's just me and my fantasy guests that don't really exist. Or do they? I don't know. And sometimes I like to bring in guests and we have a chit-chat. We have an interview together. And so guess what today's going to be?

Today, my friends, is an extended podcast, an hour-long show. Traditionally, we do a half hour, but today it is an hour-long show because I have a very special guest here today in studio. And you're going to meet her in just a minute, because that's how we do it. Guests, fantasy guests, real guests, all here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate

One Keithburger was everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being, God damn it! Hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway, your host, or your hostess, whatever you prefer. And what a show. What a special, tasty barbecue treat. I have a wonderful, wonderful guest. She's never been on the podcast before. Love this girl. In fact, I'll go so far as to say she's my wife. She's my movie wife from a movie I just did. She's a comedian. She's a writer. She's an author. uh you've seen her on the uh chelsea lately show uh she writes for that show and she's here right now we're going to get into all her business it's sarah cologna hey sarah hi harland how are you

hi husband uh should we tell them what that means like that we're a couple that we're a husband and wife husband and wife team comedy team for the first time we were husband and wife we've never been married before right no i don't think so and you just showed up on set and you were my wife yeah in my underwear yeah that's right we showed up on set we were shooting a movie called old days right yes it was a great time we just wrapped like a few weeks ago and in the movie i play a character named skunk and sarah plays my wife carroll yeah you play carol my wife and on day one i'd been there for a week doing some scenes before my wife got there And my wife shows up on day one

And they slapped you in like lingerie Yeah And our first scene was you in your underwear with me Yeah, it was shocking How did you feel? I didn't even ask you I should have and now I am I was terrified I was like they basically like look at the schedule

And I'm like oh that's the first day great I'm just going to be like Hey nice to meet you This is what I look like in my underwear Right and you didn't really get to warm up To the character right No no not at all But I guess it was

It ended up to be good because then it was just out of the way. And you just blew it out of the water. You were just like, I'm going for him, man. Wait do you see the movie. Sarah says some outrageous things. Everyone on set was cracking up. It was awesome. It was really fun.

It was fun. I mean, luckily everybody was, you know, cool and welcoming and not, didn't make me too nervous. Yeah, and I was a really, really, really good husband. Obviously. I noticed you didn't really drop that in there. Oh, no, I did. You didn't hear me? Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have this thing where sometimes they say things and people don't hear them. Maybe you need to shout at me. Yeah, yes, yes. It was, you were an amazing husband. Oh, there it is. There it is. I pulled it out of her. It made me so comfortable in my underwear. And there was a whip involved, I must say. But we don't want to give the whole movie away. But just so you don't feel bad, I don't know if you know this or not, but they did that to me on this movie.

I had in the movie the longest monologue out of anyone in the movie. Oh, yeah. And it was like a page and a half to two pages long. And I showed up and on day one, they wanted to do that monologue. And you wanted to warm up. Yeah, it's like when you're an actor, it's like, I don't know who this character is. I don't know what he sounds like, what he looks like.

Come on, man. So they pushed it a day. And then the second day, I had to, to do this really long monologue, and then for the rest of the movie, I figured out who the character was. I bet it was good. Did you do it in your underwear? You should have. See, you won up to me, man. That would have been a good monologue. Wow, you just won up me real nice, like it. I like it.

No. I like it. Well, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Oh, it's a treat. I had never met you before until we did this movie. Or no, we did me once because you told me... You hosted Premium Blends. Premium Blan. And then there was another thing.

But then I forgot to tell you. Well, I was going to tell you, but then that one girl, we were driving in a van to set. And I told you that. And then the girl that was driving us had an incredibly bizarre, like, boyfriend issue. Not bizarre, but remember she was telling us about her boyfriend. And that was much more interesting than me telling you that we've worked together before. But I don't think that we actually interacted on this. What was it?

It was called TBS Comedy Road. show do you remember yeah yeah but i don't i think you taped like all your stuff and then when i went to perform i just did stand up in some weird house in georgia what yeah in some place in georgia and making georgia but all your stuff i think was already filmed i was at a theater that was a pilot for tvs yeah where it was like uh like a traveling road show thing where where we're we're performers and comedians come out and i hosted it like ryan seacrest yeah Yeah, you were exactly like Ryan Sechrist. That's what I said.

Wait a minute. Okay. No, it's true. You were. And I was like, whoever he interacted with, Randy Jackson. Oh, you do? Yeah. I could see Randy Jackson.

It's up dog. It was really weird because they, I went to go do stand-up there, but there was supposed to be local people, but since it was a pilot, I guess this woman Paige Hurwitz was like, you, you know, she helped get me booked on it, and I hadn't really been doing stand-up that long. And then they made me wear a skirt and it was uncomfortable. And then there was somebody with a banjo at some point. Oh, wow. But it was fun.

Was it in the deep south? Did you shoot in Atlanta? No, in Macon, Georgia. Yeah, that's where I was. Yeah. And they said that our hotel that the president had stayed there. And that was all I knew after I left Georgia. It was all I knew about Macon.

Oh, imagine you were in the bed that Bill Clinton was rolling around in? Were the sheets like crunchy? Yeah. Yeah, that was his. No, that was probably Clinton's bed, right? Ew. Yeah. Oh, Bubba.

I probably miscarried his child after that and don't even know it. Wow. You had Bubba's seed in you. Oh, God. Ew. Anyway, so that, but I've not really forgotten, but sort of forgotten about it. And then I brought it all up. No.

Well, the Clinton Bubba part. Oh, that part, yeah. All right, well, let's get off of that. Let's Sarah Cologne is here. We're going to talk about all her stuff, all her endeavors, all her talents, which are amazing. But as usual, when we have a guest here, we go through a list of questions. And then at the end of the show, we have our quiz. We have a quiz.

Usually it's an animal quiz. But I decided for you, we do a name that celebrity quiz because you're on the Chelsea Lately show and you deal with a lot of the Hollywood hullabaloo, right? Sure. You know how great I am with quizzes and answering questions. That's right. We'll talk about that later. I'm still feeling the burn.

All right, let's go. Question number one. Have you ever slapped a man? Come on. Have I ever slapped a man? Yeah. I not yet. Oh, wow.

I haven't. Really? Have you ever come close? Like, you're just like, I've got to slap this dude. No, I've never. I mean, yes, I've thought about it. I mean, there's plenty of people I'd like to slap. But slapping is, I feel, is a very, it's really a.

offensive. I mean, you have to really, right? I feel it's like really humiliating. Yeah. I think it's more humiliating than getting punched. I think you're right. Yeah. Because I don't know. It's very soap opera. It's very dramatic. So I like it because I like a little bit of that. Well, have you ever slapped a girl? No, no. I pushed a girl named Christy Stearns into the lockers in eighth grade because she liked Boyd-Adderberry and I liked Boyd-Adderberry and he liked her more. And I figured if I pushed her into the lockers, maybe he'd stop liking her, but it didn't work. Wait a minute. You pushed and was she hurt? No, I'm such a wimp.

No, no, I just, you know, pushing her. I mean, I think I just caught her off balance. Wow, and did she slam? Was it like that big metal clang? Yeah, but she was pretty close to them already. So really I just kind of backed her up. I mean, it sounds, it's not as impressive as it sounds. It sounds like maybe you tipped her into the locker.

Yeah, or maybe I bumped into her and said, oops. Yeah. But I bumped into her on purpose because I was mad. So give me some credit. Was it like a phantom brush by, really, where you didn't even physically connect with her is that possible no i definitely connected with her maybe my backpack did and i might have even actually apologized but i was mad at her and i wanted her to because we were also friends so i felt bad and it was over a dude yeah it was over boyd adderberry and did did did you ever end up getting

with the dude or did she win the day she won the day oh really yeah was he like a little haughty like a little grade eight zach affront type of kid he was like a hot yeah But I've seen him on Facebook since, and I won the day. You won the day? He didn't turn out so good. He didn't turn out as good. You had a short shelf life? No, I think so.

No, I shouldn't even say that. I don't actually. I feel kind of bad because, no, it's true. I won. I won. I should be mad at him. I mean, he didn't pay any attention to me. Obviously, I was willing to brush by somebody kind of violently for him.

You won the day, though, man. That's the funny thing about Facebook, eh? You can get on it You can go look You can see all the people You went to high school where I know it's a little creepy though It's weird

It's almost like sometimes it's disappointing And it's nothing We all get old But it's like when you're a kid You see that you always remember The beautiful kids in your school And you go They're always going to be beautiful

Yeah and it's not even the Sometimes it's just the other things Happening the pictures Or just the sort of the expressions They have Or just the lack of any effort at all. You're like, yeah, you're getting older, but doesn't mean you have to, like, wake up and just, you know, and just go with no underwear, like, no pants on or whatever. Like, you know, I'm like, not comb your hair and not brush your teeth. Like, it can be disappointing. I have a, I have a relative who for my whole life, I thought was this sweet little innocent girl that, you know, intelligent, went to university, you know, graduated, became like a geologist. And I was like, oh, man, what a, what a darling.

what a little darling of the family right and then one day she like linked me on facebook you know it's not a relative that i'm in contact with a lot but you know they've been there throughout my life and i went on and i noticed her pictures she was doing one of those things where she's holding up a bottle of booze and like licking the the rim and i thought oh that's got to be one party maybe maybe she was at a graduate so i clicked on her pictures and i'm not kidding there must have been 80 pictures and i'll be damned if there was wasn't one where she wasn't holding up booze or passed out or you know grinding on another girl all that i was crushed and the thing about that is like she's making the choice to why would you post those those are the pictures you try to hide from

i know everybody and you hope there's only a couple of them maybe one and then i'm like not in my family no that's not happening in my family is though and it's also happening on Facebook in your family. I lost the day. Well, have you ever slapped an animal? I'm sure you've slapped an animal. Look at you. It's like a zebra or something at the zoo.

Have you ever slapped a dog? You could be honest. See, that laugh is like a denial laugh. No, the laugh is my option so that I might have slept a zebra at the zoo. Like at what point when I go to the zoo and be like, I can't wait to slap a zebra. I can see you luring them with that can't

flas, you know, come here, stripy, and then whammo. Colona gets out the claws. No, I'm very, I'm not, I like animals. I know everyone. I love them too, but, you know. You slapped a zebra? I haven't slapped them, but have you? Would you slap an elephant?

I wouldn't slap an elephant. I'd been right up, I've ridden an elephant. And those things are, I rode an elephant in Nepal, and as we were riding, this thing grabbed a tree about this thick, okay? Yeah. And just as we were walking, as it was walking by, it grabbed a tree. There was the circumference of like a frisbee.

And just pulled it, no problem. And just grabbed it and ripped a whole tree down. And the guy, the guy that was riding the elephant, like the, whatever you call it, the trainer or whatever, he's like, no, no, you stop that, please stop. And the thing just kept going, ripped down a tree. while you're just riding on it. Just wandering by, I think I'll rip down a tree.

I'd feel kind of safe, though, on top of it then. If I was riding it and it did that, it's almost like when you have a bigger car than everybody else. Yeah, no, I felt safe. And the story is we were in Nepal. I was on safari, and we were, like, going through this nine-foot-tall, like, it's called elephant grass because it grows so high. And we were looking for some of the last wild tigers in the world on elephant.

Oh, my God. So I felt really, like, safe up there. Yeah. You know, as if a tagger's going to go after a big, fat elephant. And you were looking for them, like to... We're looking for them. Or what? Well, maybe I wanted to get my slap on.

They are striped like a zebra. Yeah. Right? You obviously have... There's a running theme. Yes. But no, we were just like... We were on safari looking to see if we could see one.

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I'm starting to feel really ashamed of myself for not having slab more animals. I'm just trying to impress you. It's coming. Now you're Boyd-Aderberry and I'm begging for your attention. You spanked a dog? Well, I think I've like, you know, when they do something, you know, I grew up, I had dogs growing up. What kind? And so Labrador is in an Irish setter.

Oh, yeah, they need a slap. So if they got into anything, maybe, but not even hard, then I would feel bad because dogs make you feel really bad. Yeah, they give you those eyes. Even if you barely hurt them, and you know it didn't hurt them at all, they make you feel terrible by yourself. They give you like calf eyes. Their eyes go from being dog eyes to like big, like droopy calf eyes on a baby cow, like veal eyes. Yeah, so like if you slap them for getting into your food and then they look at you like that, then you just give them all your food. Yeah, because you feel bad.

They trick you. You slap them thinking you've wielded punishment and a second lady, you're giving them your Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. They slap you with guilt. They slap me with guilt. That's what happened. Bingo. Bingo. You just put that in a jar and bottle that up.

What's going on with North Korea? I don't know. Why are they so pissed off? I don't understand why so much anger is what I don't understand. I don't understand hating. I've never understood anyway anybody hating another country so much. I mean, I know it happens all the time, but I've just never understood where that comes from. I understand it comes from things in the past or where.

whatever, but there's not really anything. I don't, you know, it's, I don't really feel like anybody's doing anything to provoke them at this point. It's weird, right? Like, you know how they have that thing where there's that wall in between them and the U.S. soldiers like, oh, we stand there with their binoculars and look at the north from the south? Yeah.

And I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive, but I really wonder, is there a physical difference between a North Korean and a South Korean? Um, I don't know if that's offensive either, because I'm not positive. Yeah, I mean, they're Korean, right? Yeah. So what difference does it make if they're a few degrees longitudinally or langdotally or whatever the term is? It's langedotally. Langdotally.

Like if they're like 100 feet north. Like, are they going to physic? Do they have antlers? I don't. What's going on? Like if you rip that wall down and they just all charged at each other, right? People would get mixed up and go, aren't you like my neighbor did? Yeah.

Then they would all of a sudden go, wait, why are we so mad at each other? We just live, like, 14 feet away from each other. It's like if you had a standoff with your neighbor for no reason, and then you were like, oh, wait a minute, you're my neighbor. It's weird, right? It's weird. They're, like, testing nuclear bombs underground? Which also I've never understood, because eventually that's going to also, I mean,

in theory, would just destroy yourself at the same, you know, eventually. I mean, it wouldn't. If you did a nuclear bomb underground? Well, no, just, I mean, if you start a nuclear war. or something. Like, eventually, you're not going to come out of it, you know, fine, obviously. I mean, things like anyone who... Let's not snap to judgment.

You never know. You could. I mean, I know everybody always thinks they're going to, you know, win the war or something like that. But in this, obviously, something's so destructive. You're like, well, talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. I know. What is? That's a weird saying.

I want to examine that saying. You're saying off your nose to spite your face. Yeah. Now, here's what I don't know. I think I know what spite means. Yes. But to spite your face almost seems like a physical action. Like you cut your nose off, and then I picture like someone grinding a can of spright in your face.

And I know that's wrong. It's wrong. It's to spite it. It's like to spite it is, you know, to piss it off, basically. So you're pissing off your own face. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Because why would you, because basically you're saying, why would you take off? your own nose to piss off your face when it's on your face why don't you just slap yourself

you talked about that earlier exactly i've slapped myself i slapped myself in the movie that we worked on oh yeah you did i was directed to slap myself i don't know what that means you did slap yourself yeah so that'll be coming to well let's let's get into uh let's get into us forget the north koreans are men angry these days do you think i mean you you know you just said north koreans and then he talked about anger again see yeah i know men i picture just a bunch of angry men marching around not sure why they're mad at the south they're just they're just angry i know you live longer tootally south of than us you warm it in us we pissed off um i like that accent are men angry yeah i mean from your perspective i mean you've got your kind of the hand on the pulse of

hollywood and you're you're on a show where you discuss these issues on the chelsea show and And you're out there dating and you've had some good relationships. What's going on with men? Do you think they're, like, kind of nutty? Or what would you say the overall thing is going on with men today? And I'm interested because I'm a dude. I need to hear this. I think there might be a lot of insecurity, but on both males and females.

I think it's not, I don't think it's one way. What do you mean? Well, I think, because I actually haven't, I mean, I've been single for almost a year, no, a little longer than a year. That ain't right, first of all. No, it's right. That ain't right. I was with somebody for five years.

So you're taking a break. You're taking a menopause. Well. Is that the term? Just call me old. No, I mean like you're taking a pause from men. Yeah. Nice, nice wordplay there.

Thank you. Why am I complimenting myself? Oh, you're welcome. I mean, nice wordplay. Thank you. You're welcome. Now, what were you going to say? No, I don't know if I'm taking a break.

I dated someone over the summer. I just mean single as in not in the long term. I guess nothing serial. I've gone on a few dates, but then I haven't really been in town since December, you know. Oh, wow. I mean, I have been, but not, I mean, every other weekend I seem to be gone. You're traveling doing stand-up. I'm traveling doing stand-up who's at a book that came out in February.

So if it's gone every weekend, and I kind of, I mean, when are you going to meet somebody? I'm going to meet somebody on the road. I mean, I can't do that. What about a road, honey? You take a dude along? No, you can't do that. No. no you know that's not your style where the guy like male comics meet girls on the road right and go you know sleep

with them in the hotel room and whatever and they have a nice time that's what i mean that's what i hear i hear stories yeah i can't do a woman can't yeah woman can't do that i mean i'm sure let me ask you this with all due respect why why couldn't a woman do a show and some guy comes up at the end asked for i said hey man you're really cute and you want to go grab a beer and you're like okay and then it leads, one thing leads to another, and you... Well, I know, I mean, I'm not opposed to... I mean, I don't know. I'm not trying to say that women can't have one-night stands or something like that, obviously.

Remember that line from Durand-Duran Save a Prayer? Yes. Some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise. Right? What about that? I can't wait to go home and download that song because I love it and I forgot about it. You forgot about that major line. We could call it paradise. Can you not adopt that?

No, you can, but I don't know. There's a weird, it is hysteria. I don't know what, it's something about, it seems creepy. Like, it seems like you would get a reputation. It seems like if a man, people would be like, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. It's not ladylike. Yes, not very ladylike. And I'm not always ladylike, but I think that you should probably, I don't know.

It just doesn't seem, it just doesn't seem like. a great plan. All right, scenario. You know, you know you're not doing that on the road. Right. You've been out there for three months, slogging the comedy, doing your book promo. And you're just like, man, I really need some physical contact and just one week. And you're like, you know what? That guy's making it obvious. Let's have a little fun. I mean, I guess it would just depend on the situation. I don't know. Like what he was out of 10? What? No.

No, just what, I don't know, I guess, what the situation, I don't know, you know, just what would, I don't know why I'm, no, I can't. We could call it paradise. I guess it just becomes a point where we're like, I don't know, it just seems like work to do that. It seems worse than dating someone. Yeah, because it seems like you have to feel weird about it. I don't know. I respect that. I'm not challenged.

to you. I'm just curious. No, but I don't know. I'm trying to figure what the answer is because, I mean, obviously, when I was thinking in my 20s, I did stuff like that. I had, you know, people like at a met at a bar or something. You would kind of go home, and then you go on a few dates after and realize that obviously had nothing in common or something. Like, you would meet people that way, though.

Yeah. And maybe sometimes there would be some physical contacts, you know, on the first night. I mean, that happens a few times. We can call it paradise What about this? And this is just me throwing it out there. Is it maybe easier that you're in the middle of nowhere and you do meet a person and it's just one night

and you're leaving the next day and you know you don't have to deal with any luggage or personal emotional baggage and you're like, just kiss me, baby. And then you're gone. I mean, obviously, I really feel like you want me to do this. I really want you to do it, and then when you come back, we want a full report. Poor report and photos for you. And I could play that song as they're walking out the door.

You should play that song while you're making sweet Motel 6 love. Sweet, dirty hot hotel motel 6. Dirty, like, a travel lodge, like power jam. You know what I'm saying? The travel lodge would be nice because then you could pop some popcorn afterwards. I feel like they usually have free popcorn in the room. You're standing by the microwave of an in the motel sick. Woo, woo, woo, whew.

God, disgusting. I'm going to Fort Lauderdale this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, you're going to be staying, and this could be, apropos, you're staying in the hotel that that supermodel died in. Who? Angela, Nicole. What was the doping?

Angelina, no, not Angelina. The big blonde guest jeans, the one. And Nicole Smith. Yeah. She was died in that in that. The Hard Rock Casino, yeah. That's where she died. You know, this could be good because you could start a new book.

Beds of X people I've slept in because you've already slept in Clinton's bad. I've got Clinton, yes. So now you could sleep in the bed that Angela Cole, Nicole Ritchie or whatever her name. Angelina Nicole Ritchie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this could be a whole new book. It could be.

Right? Yeah. And then I'll just have to, and then I would have to start saying. setting myself, I would have to, you know, set myself up in situations to get into those hotels. What if you... I'd go to the word, you know, Whitney Houston is, I mean... Oh, yeah, the Beverly Hilton. Yeah, that's easy.

I mean, it's just down the street. Holy shit. What do you even have to go out of town or get a plane ticket for that chapter? And the one that John Belushi died in is right down the hill on Sunset Boulevard, the Marmont. Done four chapters. Oh, and this is, I'm just throwing this out there because you, you know, we brought it up. You brought it up. I did bring it up.

But what about some of the... this road honky-tonky stuff in the beds of the deceit where they were all right i mean why not it's all about your book and just see what happens and like wow and then like halfway through the honky tonk sex is that what you called it yeah halfway through that say did you know this is the bed and a angelina Nicole pit dry died in or and then just that wouldn't be creepy right to say to somebody while you're having sex I don't it might enhance it who know you said earlier that men are weird these days I think people are just insecure as well insecure yeah I find I run into that I find that because maybe doing stand-up and stuff like maybe that's one reason I wasn't dating for you know

a little while because my ex-boyfriend was insecure with I think I feel like he was anyway with my um I don't want to call it success but just like doing stand-up and these things and I felt like He didn't like, oh, you know, what I would talk about, or I'm writing a book about my life, or it's too open. And even though he would say that that wasn't true, it was very obvious that it was. A little professional jealousy. Yeah, or just either, I don't think it was a combination of professional jealousy, but also more of, oh, my girlfriend shouldn't be on stage talking about her sex life in her 20s. But that's my 20s. And if you don't like me now for my 20s, then we shouldn't be dating anyway, obviously.

I mean that's different But I find a lot of that That's a tough reality when you do a live show Or you do stand up or anything like that You expose a lot of yourself And you talk about things that happen in life To people in general and whatnot And you know

People watch that and see it And they get a perception of you And I can see that I can see that And you got to be with a guy that's accepting Of all that stuff Yeah so now I just don't have any patience for someone that's not.

So I just feel like if I see it coming, then I just don't bother. Okay. So insecurity within the relationship is what you meant. Yes. Okay. But outside of relationships, what would you say, you know, what's going on with folks these days, do you think? I think there's some security outside of it, though, too. I think that if you're secure, you're not going to care with somebody.

You know, you're going to be, you're not going to be as judgmental of other people when you're secure with yourself. But, but, yeah, people are, I feel like people are crazy. Yeah, we are. We're crazy. There's a lot. I feel like everybody's single. I mean, not everybody, but I feel like it's much easier to be single for people. Like, it's not as much pressure to, you know, get married and stuff.

But I also think that men are lazier now. They just text instead of call or, you know, things like that. That whole text thing is people break up on texting now. Yeah, yeah, they break up. Yeah, that's not. It doesn't seem appropriate. And they don't even spell it out. like you know kind of like a shortened you know it is the rk u p w slash you i'll be honest with you i

did that recently actually just before we left to do our movie you broke up with someone in a text well it wasn't really a breakup i went on a real casual date with the with a girl like like three times okay like maybe even twice and she was coming on really heavy and in those in those dates we were on. She really revealed a lot about herself. Like, she's one of these kind of open book people that were just like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and just on and on. And I realized

like right then and there, I was like, this isn't right for me. So, and she kept texting me and so I just wrote her and as a gentleman, I wrote you know, at the stage I'm at in my life, I think you're a really nice person,

but I just know this isn't the right fit for me. I hope you're not offended. I hope you understand. And I guess the reason I texted is because I really didn't know that well. I don't have gone out with her twice. Yeah, that's okay. That's not a, you know, five-month relationship. I mean, that's kind of saying like back off. I mean, as politely as you can. Exactly. And if anybody reveals, by the way, I mean, there's nothing worse than somebody just giving you like, I don't even do want to hide anything from me, especially if you're asking. Sure. You don't need to, you know, you know, spill it all on the first date. Like, nobody needs to know

your history of gout or whatever you have. Nobody gets known. Oh, God. Yeah, leprosy. Yeah, don't talk about your leprosy. That's when. And she texted me back, like, her first text was kind of like, blah, blah, blah, kind of a little bit, like, upset.

And then, like, a day later, she said, you know what, thanks for being so honest with me. I appreciate it. Like, she got it, you know. That's good. And you didn't have to slap her. She didn't have to slap her. I didn't slap her. I didn't slap her.

Here's a girl question. Okay. Girls pee in the woods, like when they go camping and stuff. Yes. And do they use leaves, like to wipe the frontal area? That's something I've never known. Well, I wouldn't ever use to, I wouldn't do that. I used to go camping a lot because I grew in Arkansas and we went camping.

Yeah. And in tents usually, but then when we got older, there were RVs. So then we had, you know, more options of places to pee. But there's a lot of, and I also used to just go. In high school, we used to go have parties in the woods. Yeah, oh, yeah. Little bonfires and stuff, absolutely. You had to pee, but I would never.

grab a leaf because what if it's the wrong you know what if also poison ivy and then you imagine them humiliation get the vagusil oh get me a crate of vagusel and a chisel wow wow slap my bitch up i don't even know what that means god yeah exactly so that's a bad situation no you just shake it you just shake it off you shit like you do a little rattle like a like a rattles Yeah, you're squatting. I mean, I would show it to you right now, but it wouldn't make, you know, it's not going to help. I do have some leaves out in the garden if you. I don't have to pee, though.

Oh, God. Well, see, this is something I never knew. Yeah, you just say, you just do a little, like, while you're down, you can do like a little back and forth kind of wiggle. Really? Sort of to get it as dry as you can, and then you just put, I mean, it doesn't get, you know, it's not too bad. I mean, you're not really, you know. That's got to be, like, aerobically amazing for your whole upper body. body and your calves yeah i mean i should i should probably try to introduce it as some sort of you know exercise phenomenon

yeah and you also just get like a wide stance so that you know there's no mess like it doesn't you don't yeah right oh yeah yeah you're you're on the right it's kind of like every now and then you see an infomercial for the pole dancing or the shaker weight or something right yeah and now you got the urinating squiggle or whatever you're called it so you get down in a squat and you wiggle back wide stance so you're doing a lot of glute work oh we gotta get that who's that crazy nut that does the uh infomercials for the sham wow that creepy guy with the crooked eye we'll get him didn't he die no he's still oh you're thinking of uh hi billy mace here oh yeah no i'm thinking that guy Vince Vince Vince here for sham wow you know the guy that kind of talks like he he's

just stepped out of jersey shaw that guy yeah well if i had him around i wouldn't need to shake because I just use a chamois to wipe off after I peep in the wood. That's right. That is so true. Wow. Yeah. So obviously that would come in handy. That's scary.

Have you ever been like squatting in the bushes and you heard like a critter go running by? Yeah. I'm terrified of the dark when I'm alone. Yeah. And so I mean, I'm already, I already think someone's going to kill me at any moment anyway. And I would and I would always actually think about things like getting,

you know, like, well, what if it gets you right in your. The new BMO ViPorter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks, more points, more flights, more of all the things you want in a travel rewards card, and then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO ViPorter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit BMO.com slash ViPorter to learn more. yeah like a snake bite or something yeah right man oh god that's vulnerable man that is vulnerable you don't know what's crawling a tarantulas right beneath you by fluke you don't know what's there in

the dark yeah and then how do you go home and explain that you got bit in the vagina by a tarantula what if you accidentally like squat over a honey badger hole and that thing comes up and rips you a new one we'll be fine if it was that funny one yeah the funny one the one that doesn't Wow. All right. Well, we've answered the question. That's great. I feel like this is educational. This is education. And here, this is something I always do. This is called the Quiki question. Okay. And you can answer with a yes or no or just a really quick answer.

This is what you do when you start getting sick of people's voices. No, no. This is just, you know, because I know you're working here. You're working. We're talking and I got to get, you got tone it down a bit. It's like ebbing and flowing, right? So this is a quickie to give you a little mental break. Okay. Can people from England turn themselves inside out? No. Right answer. Excellent.

Now, let's move on. Sarah wrote an amazing book, ladies and gentlemen. We want to talk about your book. This is an opportunity for you to tell everyone here on the Harland Highway about your incredible book, which you gave me a copy of. I've got to be honest, I haven't read it yet because I've been going insane since we got back from the movie. but it's next on my list. It's okay. And it's called Life as I Blow it.

Yes. And tell everyone listening a little bit about it and where they can get it. You can get it in bookstores or on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.com. Nice places to get a book. Perfect. A bookstore is. It's good that they have books there. Oh, unbelievable.

It just fits the title so well. Bookstore. And it's about, I grew up in Arkansas, moved to California when I was 21. And so it's the two different halves basically of my life, not that this is half my life. I mean, hopefully not. Right, right. That means they should be dead soon. Oh, my God.

But it's, my parents are very different. My mom, a very traditional southern woman. My father has lived in California most of my life. Okay. And he was like this sports editor with, and been married four times. Wow. Yeah. So I saw two very different personalities and paths in life.

So it's really about kind of. figuring out which one you want to take. That's like extreme parenting. It's like you were raised by the yin and the yang almost. Yeah, that's a good name for a TV show, by the way, Extreme Parenting. Yes, it is. Is that already on? No, I say we do that, and it's sponsored by the squat wiggle or whatever.

Yeah, the squat wiggle shamwagon. Yeah, the shamboy. And how long's the book been out? It's pretty new, right? Yeah, it came out February 7th, and it debuted number five on the New York Times bestseller list. Can you believe that? Hold on. I got to do one of these.

Best-selling author, New York. That sounds so amazing. It does sound amazing. It doesn't sound believable, but it's amazing. It's amazing. Like, how many people in life, like, get to say, I was on the New York Times bestseller list for nine months? What have you done with yourself, you little peasant?

That's true. I should have an English accent now. Yeah, and you should, like, kind of rub it in people's faces more, you know? Yeah, I should. It's really make them feel what you've done. Bad about themselves. I think it's amazing, man. That is a big.

credit to your name and people are loving the book obviously yeah well it's going well i mean it's nerve-wracking i mean you know you've you've put books out and it's very nerve-wracking i mean it's very scary but um no why is it scary i'm guessing because you expose so much of yourself right well you exposed but also yeah that's one thing because i just write very honest and then i later where i was like oh the people are actually going to read this i forgot you know but i really kind of had that moment but yeah like my mom but it's also just nerve-wracking because there's a little of narcissism attached to it and you feel like

am I a narcissist because I'm writing a book about my life why who cares? But to me I had you know I had to get past that obviously and think no I mean I like to read I've enjoyed reading many other people's books and I've never looked at them like oh why did you write a book so you have to get past it but there is a panic moment of why am I doing

you know it's the it's insecurity I guess you just go Yeah it's like who am I what have I got a giant ego I'm writing about myself but who cares but then I I just felt like I had that's why I had have something to come from, which was to me having this being 37 and having, you know, being single and not having been married and not having kids and being really comfortable with that, but not having been comfortable with it from like 25 to 32. Right, right.

And sort of, and I know people can relate to that. So I started thinking, okay, well, this is where it's, I'll just come from that place and I'll feel less paranoid about whether or not people will get to throw it at me when I walk by them. Yeah, they won't do that. And it's a fascinating, you know, a place you came from with kind of the surfer dude, like crazy Cali dad. Yeah. And kind of the homespun, like, country girl mother in a way.

Yeah. Like they split up when I was five and it doesn't even make sense they were ever together. Obviously, I have Mace. Otherwise, you wouldn't have this amazing conversation happening right now. Of course not. Are you the only kid? No, my sister. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I have her too. So she's going to write a book now. What if she just steals your thumb? He goes, what hell? She got on the, they're my parents, too. I'm writing a book.

I want to be a bestseller. Yeah, she, I mean, she can. She can try it. I don't want her to. I don't either. I think it'd be rude. That's rude. Yeah, but we were in Arkansas.

My sister, my mom and I moved to Arkansas and they split up in, like, the tiniest town, Farmington, with like a thousand people in it. I mean, it's a little bigger now, but it was right outside of Fayetteville, which is college town, which Roy went. But, you know, it was a little tiny town. And, you know, yeah, we drank in the woods and peed in the woods.

wiggled in the woods. I always think of that line. When you say Tiny Town, I always think of there's a scene in the movie Halloween. And Donald Pleasins plays a psychiatrist who's searching for Michael Myers, the murder. I know you don't like horror movies, but one of his famous lines,

he bumps into the Sheriff, and the Sheriff's like, what are you doing here? Why did you come to this town? And Donald Pleasant goes, I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town, sheriff. I remember that. It's such a great line.

It is a good line. I hate horror movies. I used to hate him where I couldn't watch them, but now I hate them, love them, where I like to watch them, but they scare. You know, I get very scared. Remember I asked you if you saw that movie The Town that dreaded sundown? Yes, I went and looked it up online. There's a trailer on YouTube. There's a guy he's got like a pillow slip over his head.

I thought it was like a murderer from Bed Bath and Beyond or something. The guy's got like a pillow slip on his head. and cut the eyes out like a nice linen pillowcase yeah it's like I really just want to knock him out lay him down and sleep on his head he will kill you yeah it's a very it's like it's a very cheesy looking but I bet it's scary it's like maybe it's because it happened in tex arcana so it happened yeah my homestay I don't know but it's I just remember it's scary anything realistic scares me the most anything that could happen anybody that yeah axes knives yeah chainsaws yeah it's freaky Let's not keep going because we're going to get scared.

Here's a question, and we touched a little bit on it earlier about, you know, being with men and stuff. And please be honest with this one. If you had the chance to make gentle, passionate, stare-in-the-eyes-love to Morgan Freeman, would you do it? I think I might, yes. Okay, well, then I've got to ask, what would the setting be? Describe it. Would it be a ski lodge? How would he seduce you?

would you seduce him what set us up i feel like it would be on a on a glacier or somewhere cold yeah and and maybe you know i mean obviously we would be tried to be wrapped in warmth and we would need each other to keep warm so an outdoors outdoors or in like a chalet in the swiss alps or something well no i think outdoors because i because i wanted to be on a glacier yeah because i want him to talk about that i want him to get into like march of the penguins a little bit oh right use that voice there is a mysterious ritual that dates back thousands of years no living creature has survived in the harshest place on earth love finds a way yeah and i feel like he needs to be amongst the penguins to get there and if that's what it takes i'd be willing to do it

He could narrate you through the lovemaking. I want you to now pull down your pants and bend over and take the Pelican's pose, so I may insert my Morgan Freeman deep inside your glacier crevasse. I mean, that's perfect. Yeah, now I kind of want to make it happen. Yeah, wow. I hope he's in Fort Lauderdale next weekend. Wow, yeah.

Oh, this is all coming together, man. What a treat. It would be wonderful to have narrations. sex with nor i mean or to have sex with someone else than just to have him narrate it might be fine yeah that could be good too yeah and if that case i would like to be in like a hotel or something and outside is only in if it's him well listen we're we're coming to the end of the podcast but as you know everybody we always do the quiz normally we do the animal quiz here at the harland highway but uh today because sarah is uh so immersed so involved in the entertainment scene

She's on a very popular talk show, the Chelsea Handler Show. I thought we'd do something a little different. Okay. And we'll do name that celebrity. Okay. And how it works is I give you a little sentence or a paragraph with the clues to the celebrity's name. And you have to guess the celebrity. And we'll see how you do.

You've got four questions. I feel like I'm going to fail at this already. Don't be. Now you're being insecure. Yeah. You can't be. Okay. Stand tall.

Sarah Colonna, are you ready for name that celebrity quiz here on the Harland Highway? I am. I am, Harlem, here we go. Your first clue is, I am an exercise freak, and I work out in this place. And when I walk upstairs at the airport, I have to blank my luggage with me. Carrie. Strauss, Carrie. Who?

Carrie. Jim Carrey. Hey! Oh, I see how you do it. There you go. You got number one. Okay, I feel really good now. You got the, yeah, I'm an exercise freak, and I work out in this place, the gym.

Yes. And then I have to carry my luggage. Right. Excellent. Okay. Boom, that didn't take long. No. Hello, goodbye insecurity.

Yeah, it's out the door. Yeah, slam the door. It's going outside to pee in the woods. Yeah, let that insecurity flow. All right, here we go. This is number two. And this can be a celebrity or a very famous person. You know what I mean?

So this one is number two. If I was an ape, I'd be curious and I would live in this leafy area. Georgia the jungle. Ooh. No. No, you're close. It's a real person. So curious.

I was thinking. joke, curious George, for some reason. There's the first part. So George is the first part. Yeah. If I was an ape, I'd be curious, and I would live in this leafy area. In a leafy area. George. Michael.

George Michael is not a leafy area. He was in a park. Right. He does look for people in leafy area. No, that's not the guy, but I could see why you would pick that. Yeah. that's it, George, that's it, George Michael. No, no.

No, that's the answer. Okay. You have it wrong. You know what? I got it wrong. It is, I did, it was supposed to be George Bush. Oh, George Bush, right. But I'm changing it to George Michael.

Exactly. I cannot deny you that answer. Yes, thank you. Good, thank you. You took it, you twisted it. Yeah. And I actually lose a point for that. Yeah. And now you're insecure and I'm extra secure.

I'm insecure. And now you're overly confident. Well, which is good, because here we go for questions. I have the same first name as a legendary movie shark and my last name can be found in your fake fingernails. This one might be a little tougher. Jaws? Oh, you're all around it.

I mean, Jaws is the fake movie shark, right? No. Did the shark have a name? Oh. Oh, no, I'm never going to remember Jaws. Jaws had a name? I thought it was Jaws. It was Jaws, but on.

They gave a name to the mechanical shark. Oh, well, that's... Is that a bit too out there? I mean, were you on set? Was I supposed to be on set? I was on set. I've seen that mechanical shark at the Universal Studios. Okay, let me just think. Say it again. All right, here we go.

I have the same first name as a legendary movie shark, and my last name can be found in your fake fingernails. Maybe if you get the last name, it'll help you with them. Last can be found in your fake acrylic. No, it's not necessarily what they're made of, but maybe a brand name. Lee. Oh, Stan Lee. Oh, no, no, you got the Lee.

So that's all that's, that's, that's, that's wasn't Stan on set. It's not Jaws Lee. Bobby Lee. No, it's not Bobby Lee. Big celebrity. Big celebrity. Worldwide superstar. Worldwide.

Not alive anymore. Lee. Last name Lee. Last name Lee. You got that. Not Lee. Not a beautiful. Not Lee Greenwood.

No. What was the, you don't know the name? Bruce Lee. Bingo. Bingo baby. That's pretty good. Yeah.

See, they called that shark Bruce? They called it Bruce. I didn't know that. Now you know. Yeah. And even without knowing that, you nailed it. That is beautiful. That is beautiful.

All right. And the last. question are you ready yes here we go the last question is for name that celebrity my first name is like a wet finger in the ear but my last name is the first name of a famous African leader yeah what do they call that when you put your wet finger in the ear I forgot what they call it my first name is like a wet finger in the ear but my last name is the first name is the first name of a famous African leader Wow

Pretty Start in his white Oh really? Yeah I can't I don't remember what that I keep thinking of swirly Oh that's something you do in the woods too Yeah

Or when you put some of his head in the toilet and flush it But what is Well let's go to the famous African leader Who Dead or alive I think he's still alive but he might be dead if that helps hmm yeah

it doesn't really help it all that I can't because he's old if he's alive he's very old famous very famous African leader very famous African leader hmm but if we're really dumb when you say

if I don't get it I mean look pretty dumb no no no that's this is a quiz you know it's not easy Hmm Famous African leader Isn't might be dead Or might be alive

Might be alive He's old He's old I can't remember If he's dead or not I think he's still alive What is it What's it start with

It starts with What's it rhyme with N? Starts with N Or rhymes with N? Yeah, his first name starts with N And his wife's name

Was Winnie Wait Wife's name was Winnie, why don't I know this? Not like Winnie from the Wonder Years. Let's go back to Morgan Freeman, your lover, your Icelandic lover. He portrayed this African leader in a movie. He did?

With Matt Damon. A soccer movie. The soccer movie with Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman. I've never seen this movie. Now I'm going to have to go see this movie. Do we have to? Yeah, I'm never going to. to get this.

Willie Nelson. Oh, Nelson Mandela. That's huge. When did Morgan Freeman play Nelson Mandela in a movie with Matt Damon? They did a movie about the World Cup, the South African teams, and Plain Eastwood directed. It was about two years ago. Really?

Yeah, and the wet finger in the ear is called a Wet Willie. Wet Willie. Yeah. But listen, your first time here on the highway, you got three out of four, lady. I know, but I'd like to apologize to Nelson. in Mandela for not getting his name. That's okay. If he's alive and listening.

We don't know if he's listening or not because he could be dead or alive. And even if he's alive, who says he listens? I think he's alive. I think he's alive. And old. But what if this failure to recognize his name kills him? What if it just stops his heart? Then I'll be more famous.

Yeah. Sell more books. Yeah. You're going to number three on the bestseller list. Yeah. God bless. This is all worked out. So Sarah, before we go, please tell everyone if you want to.

Some people don't like to, but if you want to tell people how they can find out about your stand-up comedy schedule, find out where they can get your book, where they can, if you want them to reach you on Facebook or Twitter, this is your moment, baby. Rock it out. Okay, Harland. I already just said the book, so life as I blow it, I'll just say it one more time. I want stand-up schedules on saraholona.com. Beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful.

And you've got your touring all over the country. Yeah, right now. Great, great. I'll slow it down a little bit. Yeah, I'm going everywhere, so. Well, folks, as host of the Harland Highway, I'm instructing you all, find Sarah, go to her show. She's hilarious. And, I mean, obviously, maybe I'll have sex with whoever, if the right person shows up, you've already started that for me.

I kind of opened that can of worms for you. Yeah, so thanks for that. And if you live on a remote farm without plumbing, don't worry, she can wiggle. and check out her stand-up, check out her book. You've got to pick up her book, Life, as I blow it. And thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Thank you, your husband.

And go see our movie when it comes out old days, right? Because we had a blast. I hope we do a sequel together. We do. We're going to see older days. All right. You want to go get a wet willy or something? Yeah, please.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Colonna here on the Harland Highway. Thank you so much for listening. And as always, until next time, Chicken Chau May, baby. Thank you.