The Harland Highway - 399: Harland meets JACK NICHOLSON, Fat kids, sexual harassment

Episode Date: May 21, 2012

Harland meets movie legend JACK NICHOLSON, Fat kids, sexual harassment, child discipline, and fun times with eggs. Swish swash swuck!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am the God of Hellfire. No, I'm not the God of Hellfire. Geez, I think I'd put you through that. I am the host of Hellfire. I'm the host of the Harlan Highway. Thank you. I wish I was the God of Hellfire, though. But let's not get down on ourselves.

What a great show. Oh, my God. This show is crazy. We're going to be talking about overweight children. fat kids. We're going to be talking about making the perfect omelette. We're going to be talking about disciplining kids and how that's changed over the decades

from being strict to being too lenient where kids are running things now, running the show. And also it looks like I got into a little trouble. I was flirting with one of the cleaning ladies here in the building, Rosa Louisa. And it looks like I'm getting called in to a meeting with one of my superiors. He's going to reprimand me on the whole situation. We'll see how that goes.

And then check this out, man. I met a major giant celebrity in the most unusual of places. I've bumped into Jack Nicholson in a bathroom, and way to you hear the story. I'm so excited, Jack Nicholson of me right here on the Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker

going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here

to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. your fucking wake-up call, man.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, this is Harlan Williams. Today we are talking about discipline. Does anybody discipline their kids anymore? I don't think so.

I remember when I was a kid, man. If I got into trouble, my old man would literally put me over. over his knee and smack I'm talking smack my bare ass and it hurt man and it put the fear of god in me nowadays man why don't you just take a time out billy i don't want to take a time out bea-h we don't use those words billy maybe you don't beotch but i do biotch now Billy, take a time out. Why don't you take a time out before I put your head through a wall, biotch?

Billy, go stand in the corner. You need to take a time out and reflect on what you've said. I'll make you reflect, biotch. Put your head right through a mirror. Oh, yeah, man, you don't tell kids nowadays what to do. No way. Hey, you kids, get off my lawn. I don't think so, mister

Oh Yeah man What's happened to discipline I think the kids are in charge now They're running things It's like we're on some kind of weird Star Trek planet man Oh we don't strike our children

No Well yes he did burn down to school That's true But that's okay He's growing Little Charles is expanding he's learning. We allow him three rifles. Well,

yes, okay. He does have the camouflaged Hummer and the army fatigues, but that's it. Forget about neighborhood watch. How about neighborhood vault? Lock me in a vault so the kids can't get me. I'd rather go in the

country and take my chances with the children of the corn. Oh, lock your doors, kids. Oh, the kids. creepy kids you know what's a little disturbing to nowadays i was i was having this discussion with a friend the other day we were wandering around and we saw and i think you see it a lot more now is chubby kids overweight kids kids that are disproportionately fat for their age and uh it made me

start thinking about when I was a kid you know really there was there was I remember when I was a kid like from kindergarten right up to grade like four and then even like grade four up until like

you know before I went to college but especially kindergarten to grade four there was like one big fat guy in the school I remember his name too his name was Guy Cook guy cook man and he was like he was much bigger than all the other kids i'll just say it he was full out chubby and fat but he stood out like a lighthouse right because in the whole school

he was the fat kid you know you always had the fat kid in the school and nowadays i don't know man i haven't been to a school like i haven't wandered through a school but correct me if I'm wrong I have a scary feeling that there's a lot of fat kids in the school now I have a feeling it's not just the fat kid but it's like a herd of fat kids a pod of fat kids

a gaggle of fat kids because I got to tell you I see more and more of them out in the street now and it's worrisome and you know when I was a kid you kind of had to travel to find fast food you had you had to go you had to get in the car with the family and make that a destination nowadays man you you don't got to go more than a block and a half to stumble on fast food and you know the old story when we were kids uh you know the only electronic distraction we had was TV but parents were

Most parents put their foot down on how much TV you could watch. I know that happened in our house, man. We were allowed X amount of hours, X amount of hours a week, and we couldn't go over, and blah, blah, blah. And so kids went outside and played and rode their bikes and ran around. So if you're listening, kids, get your act in gear. Get out there and do some stuff, man. Me, I'm going to go get an omelet.

Because, you know, omelets, right? At those omelet bars, you can just stuff anything you want in an omelet, right? Let's all make fresh omelet. Let's all make a fresh omelet. Let's all make a fresh omelet and stuff our big fat face. Hello! Hello to you. people. Hi, welcome to the omelet bar. We will put anything you want inside that omelette. We have all types

of ingredients. You tell us what you want inside your omelette. Okay, give me the mushrooms, the peppers. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I'll also take the, I'll have the bacon and the ham. Uh, give me the mushrooms. I'll take the shallots, the onions, uh, the salmon. Uh, give me some thumb tacks, a boiled ham, a turkey leg, a stapler, throw in some light bulbs, and a map of the world. Okay, anything else? Yeah, why don't you put a small monkey in there, a bloated old lady's shoulder, a pine tree, and some corn on the cob. Excellent choice.

Anything else? Yeah, put a museum in there, a small church, a gathering of school children playing with balloons, a blue whale. Oh, delicious. Anything else. I mean, come on, man. Settle down. It should be a limit. Two or three items, man. You ever see these people? They stuff it's so full. It looks like an expensive pillow from the pottery barn. You got an omelet so big. It looks like Rosie O'Donnell stuffed in a sleeping bag. Oh, God. What would you like in your omelet? Uh, just stuff Rosie O'Donnell in there, will you? Excellent choice, excellent.

Gonna need a lot of eggs for that one, Daddy. I'm getting hungry. I better get over to the omelet house. Get myself a Denver omelet here on the Harlan Highway. Can I get a little extra Rosie O'Donle on that omelet? Hello! Wow. Okay, enough with the food and the fat kids.

Let's switch gears. to people that are actually in great shape. Okay, primarily I'm talking about athletes. Um, wait, you hear this story, and this was a big, big thrill for me, and might be a little creepy. I might, might creep you out with this story. I think I creep myself out with this story a little bit, but what could I do? Let me set the table for you here. So a couple of my buddies get tickets to the, uh,

LA Lakers game just recently, right? It's the playoffs, and you know, who's going to say no to free playoff tickets, right? So I'm all jazzed up. I don't go to that many basketball games. I'm more of a hockey dude, right? So we go and I went with my buddy Michael Rosenbaum, who Lex Luther from Smallville, and he was my co-star in a movie I did called Sorority Boy. and we've been buddies ever since we did that movie.

And then a new buddy I've made from a movie I just shot called Old Days, a guy named Isaiah Mustafa. And a lot of you might know him as that guy from the Old Spice commercials, the guy that the handsome big black man that rides a white horse and transitions onto a beach and, you know, very popular TV commercials. But anyways, so those are the two guys I'm rolling with. I throw that in rolling. And my buddy Michael got the tickets, and he goes down there a lot,

and I guess there's like a special area where, you know, celebs kind of, you know, dock and enter. And so we pull up, we valet, and we roll in the doors, and then there's like this kind of special downstairs entrance you go to, and they've got a little clubhouse down there where, uh you know the VIPs uh get to go and hang out and yes I'm going to say it I was a VIP so hey every now and then we all get the royal treatment and I so I was enjoying it man this was great we go in a little VIP room uh most of the people are out at the game because it's just about to start there's one guy sitting in there it's that actor Andy Garcia you know him from the godfather movies and Ocean's 11 and all that so he's just sitting there we grab some M&Ms and a beer

and we go rushing out to our seats we get you know we kind of walk down this big empty hallway and we're walking down the hallway and there's like a cement column we're kind of almost under the bleachers at this point and leading up against the cement column is a person and as we walk by

I just take a glance to my side and I did a double double take it's jack nicholson okay just standing there all by himself leaning against the this cement column and just out of instinct i just went oh hey jack and he looks up at me goes oh hey how you doing like that right and i was just like no way and i just kept walking i didn't miss a beat right my buddies are looking at me laughing they're like whoa and i said yeah that that was a highlight man That was just a big highlight for me. You know, in your life you have highlight moments.

That was a highlight. I mean, I grew up watching Nicholson and The Shining and, you know, a million movies, right? And there's very few legitimate, real movie stars left in the world, okay? There's a lot of people that can act and do movies and they're good looking and maybe they're competent, but there's something real different about real true movie stars, right? like Nicholson and Clint Eastwood and Merrill Streep. I mean, these people are on another playing field, okay? They're even a notch above, like, the Matt Damon's and the Ben Afflicks and the Bradpits,

like the Johnny Depp. Those guys are all good, but I don't know if they'll ever reach the level of these guys. All right, these guys are special. So that was a real highlight. for me to have Jack say hi to me and have that little interaction i don't know if i'll ever get a chance to work with him obviously i'm an actor too right uh but he's getting old and and you know who knows so that was a big highlight for me so we go rushing out we get to our seats we sit down and we start watching the game great game very tense you know down to the final shot cobi's putting up some three

pointers blah blah blah and then we get to half time okay and we all go barreling back into this little like VIP room right and we're in there and there's a bunch of people and uh you know all the VIPs are in there and uh my buddy Rosie said Michael Roosevelt says hey let's go out in a smoking lounge but jack's out there and I'm like okay I don't want to be a stalker but it's Jack right so he peaks his head out and jack's nowhere to be seen i don't worry about it man i got to take a leak so i go back to the men's room there's a little area in the back and i go and try the men's room door and it's locked it's one of these things where it's just there's just one one bathroom in there and so there's a little waiting area and there's about five people in this waiting area and i look over

uh and sitting there again ball by himself is jack nicholson the amazing actor, right? And he's sitting there eating a piece of black forest cake on a little paper plate with a little plastic spoon, you know, because they give out free stuff at this thing. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I say to him, I say, oh, Jack, are you waiting to go in? He goes, no, you go ahead. You know, I'm going to finish this cake.

You're next in line. And I go, oh, you sure? He goes, yeah, go for it, man. And I'm like, okay, cool. So some guy walks out. I walk in. And while I'm in there, I'm like, man, I just had an interaction with Jack Nicholson. When is this ever going to happen again in my life?

I mean, hopefully it does, but I doubt it. And what's funny is I live about four miles down the road from the guy here in Hollywood, which is cool. But anyhow, I'm in the bathroom, and I'm thinking, man, Jack Nicholson's coming in here next. Like, how often can you say that? You're in a toilet, and you're like, I'm going to take a leak, and the next guy in here to take a leak is Jack Nicholson. I'm going to take a leak all over your leak.

And I'm like, you know, if I say something to him as I'm going out the door, he's probably going to answer back, right? So I go, oh, man, I got a little voice recorder on my iPhone. So I'm just going to kind of make it look like I'm on my phone as I'm coming out, and I'll say something to him, and he'll probably say something back, right? and sure enough he did um and here's where it gets weird because you know i'm used to people coming up and saying stuff to me all the time and it you know it's nice but at times it can be annoying and you just want to be left alone and you know sometimes you see people being innovative

about it they they kind of dangle their cell phone down they've got the video going they you're not looking and you turn around and there's some guy taking a picture of you so I've always found that the covert side of it a little annoying and now here I am being that guy but I think I did it in such a way that he never knew and you know

I'm just like I'm just in awe this guy the shining all that stuff right so I got a little clip here and this is this is me in the bathroom getting ready and then as I walk out the door

Jack talks to me. I raised the volume a bit on Jack's voice so you can hear it better, but this is 100% me and Jack Nicholson going in and out of this men's washroom at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Here we go. All right, going out to the bathroom and Jack Nicholson's coming in, I think. you're up jack i got it all right buddy did you hear it did you hear it man i go hey you're up jack and he goes

i got it i got i'll drop that just that clip in here again listen to me i'm so thrilled i'm like a little little idiot like a little baby it's like whoop you're probably going whoopi do but no i was excited man and you get hang on let me play it for you again i got it here it comes that's him nicholson man we we brush shoulders as we walk through the the bathroom door together hello um so as you can see i'm excited look i've worked with a lot i've worked and met like tons of of big celebrities man okay and uh

You know, I've worked with Bruce Willis. I've worked with Dustin Hoffman. I've worked with De Niro. I've worked with Jim Carrey. I've worked with Will Farrell. I mean, I've worked with a ton of these guys. And I got to tell you, I wouldn't do that with anyone else. I would do that with Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, who's dead, and Jim Morrison from the doors, who is dead.

Those three are, like, major to me. And so I got this little clip, dudes. and then here's where, okay, here's, okay, here, I'm afraid to tell you this, but here's where it gets a little creepy, okay, if you thought that was a little creepy and immature, way do you get this? So he goes into the bathroom and I'm walking out and I'm about to, like, leave the little waiting area and I look on the table, there's a little countertop right where Jack was sitting and there's his little paper plate

and the plastic spoon and the black forest cake is gone but the little cherry is still sitting on his plate, right? And all of a sudden I get it in my head oh man, Jack Nicholson ate a piece of black forest cake off that plate with that little plastic spoon. Okay, so what do I do?

Oh, God, why am I telling you this? I'm kind of proud of it, actually. Screw you. I go over and I pick up a plastic spoon that Jack was eating the cake with. And it's still got like residue in it. It's got like a little layer of like whipped cream like in the very bottom of the spoon, right? A little bit of cake. And I'm like, Jack Nicholson ate with this spoon, man.

Jack Nicholson had this in his mouth. He had black forest cake. did that crazy that's nuts that's like stalkerish that's like creepy well no it's not you know what it is it's like it's like remember the old days back in the old days when the Beatles first broke in the United States not that anyone listening would remember but if you watch the footage and the stories girls would sneak into the Beatles hotel rooms and like steal their pillow slips and cut them up and save them or they'd find locks of their hair or they'd you know anything that was touched and owned by the Beatles.

And I guess I went into that kind of fan mode. Like I go, you know, I could ask, I easily could have asked Jack for a photograph. I could have asked him for an autograph. But all that stuff's so cliche to me. You know, it's like, oh, yeah, you'd bring someone. You look, there's a Jack Nicholson autograph. Yeah, whoopi do it's a scribbly line.

There's you with your arm around Jack. Who hasn't done that? But I'm going to have, in my house, in a little wooden frame with glass, like a little case, I'm going to have this stupid black plastic spoon with the Laker ticket stubs, and the residue cake is going to get petrified in the bottom of that spoon. And I'm going to have a little title card, and people can go, what the hell is that hanging on you all? And I'm going to go, oh, well, since you're asking, oh, that's just Jack Nip.

Nicholson's Black Forest Cake Spoon. Hello. And they'll be like, what? Get out of here. No way. He had that in his mouth? What? And you took it?

I got to go. No way. Come back. But isn't that? That's like a cool little keepsake. And I'm not that guy. I'm not stalker guy. I'm not like fan-obsessed guy, but I'm a bit of an odd ball.

I'm a bit of a quirky guy. And certain things have different meanings to me. You know, I'm the type of guy that would rather have the old rusty pickup truck full of holes than have the old rusty pickup truck that was refurbished and macked out and totally redone. Because that stuff, that flash, that typical stuff just doesn't mean anything to me. There's no sentimental value in that stuff to me. You know, so that's what I'm saying. An autograph or a photograph is just, it's typical.

Fodder, you know what I mean? So the concept of having something that's a little more obscure, but yet was very personal that belonged to one of my acting like faves, Jack Nicholson, it's cool, it's quirky, I love it, and now I don't care what you think. And if I wanted to stalk them, I'd go four miles up my hill, okay? No. And I hope one day I do work with them, and I can tell them this story, He either gets me fired.

He goes, I love you, man. That's hilarious. You're really creepy and disturbing. And I'm going to get a restraining order, but I think you're fabulous. So there you go. There you go. That's my exciting rub with celebrity royalty, acting royalty. Remember, this is part of my industry, acting.

So if I seem like geared up and a little more, a little bit more excited about this than average person, you know, this guy's like, this guy's the man. And I'm sure Jack Nicholson wouldn't be freaked out by what I did. I mean, I'm sure he gets it, okay? Right, Jack? You get what I did, right? Thank you. See, stamp of approval. So there you go. That's my exciting celebrity, weird, cutlery, stalker, fan-obsessed, weird, whack-job, store. and I couldn't be prouder. Ha ha! This is a bit of an unusual day for me.

It looks like my supervisor, Kathy Merle from the seventh floor, is here. Kathy? Yes. Kind of odd you're in here while I'm on the air. Well, we have a big problem, you know. I'm not sure what I know what you're talking about, Kathy. I think you might.

the third floor the third room 307 oh the boardroom yeah that wasn't me in there okay you know what I'm here to talk to you about Rosa Louisa the cleaning lady yes yeah um

okay we've had a lot of reports that you've been harassing her well I some call it harassing some call it um fondling um sexual harassment we are on the air here Okay, well this is a serious matter We had a little fun in the boardroom Is that so wrong?

Was it fun for her? Well, she was yelling Lemon Pledge, Lemon Pledge, you know Do you think this is funny? Am I in trouble here? I mean, to me it was just mutual boardroom sliding around She just polished the boardroom table

We were sliding around on it It was beautiful We were like a couple of young figure skaters I don't think so. though, that's not what we heard from her. It was quite frightening what we heard from her. We need you to make a public apology to Rose Louisa today. Right now.

Now. On the air. Yes. It was frightening. Okay, I admit I was wearing my Burger King underpants that's a home of the wopper on the front. And if that startled her... Public apology. Can I just go to her janitor's closet and leave a note?

No. No, no more janitor's closet for you, ever. No more third floor. Okay, Rosa Louisa, I'm sorry. How about a sincere apology? Like, what, a poem or something? That would be nice. Rosa Louisa, I'm out on the edge. I shouldn't have messed around with you and your pledge.

I wanted some fun, and I thought that's what it was. And now I smell like floor wax. And I'm sorry? Okay. Thank you. Okay. Well, thanks for coming up, Kathy. That's a nice dress you got.

Whoops, I dropped some papers. Would you mind getting those for me? No, I'll get them. Okay, I'll get them. Thank you. There'll be no more. Okay. This is Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway, and from here on in, I'm keeping it clean.

Cleaning lady, that is. Hello! Hey, hey, he, he. Oh, golly. So, uh, check it out. A little excitement in my voice here. Next week, um, or should I say next podcast? Why am I saying next week?

Screw next week. Next podcast, we are hitting a milestone, ladies and gentlemen. If you can believe it, we're coming up on podcast 400. Okay, 400, ladies and gentlemen. It's almost too hard to believe. It's crazy. It's crazy. What's happening here?

Um, oh, oh, um, little Charles Nelson in that. Oh, 400. And first of all, I want to thank everyone for their emails and their Facebook posts and their Twitter posts and all that. I guess I had been misnumbering the podcast episodes for about a week or two. And I got a plethora of people going, hey, man, it's the wrong number. I know we got too much time on my hands,

but I thought I should tell you, but numbering them wrong. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I have gone back in, corrected the numbering, and one pavement pounder in particular. That sounds nice. One pavement powder in particular. Picked a pack of pickled peppers.

I mentioned that if I didn't number them properly, I was going to miss the milestone of marking the 400th episode. So I am super jazzed. I can hardly believe it. I think we're in our second or third year of this podcast now. God, it might even be three years. I've lost track, but 400. Good God.

So we're going to be celebrating. We're going to be having fun. And thank you, one and all, for coming along on this magnificent ride. And thank you for notifying me that I was screwing up. It really reminds me when I was a kid with my... My parents. Screw it up again, huh, junior? So anyways, let's move on to other announcements here, by golly.

This is fun. I finally have a YouTube channel up. It's Harlan Williams. You can go to YouTube. And the latest video that I've been posting is I went up and went fishing with the Fonz, with Arthur Fonzarelli, Henry Winkler. The Fonz and I went salmon fishing out in the ocean up and near Alaska off the coast of British Columbia. And we did a little segment called the Harland and Henry Half Hour Fishing Hour.

And there's four episodes and nobody's ever seen them. They're just being posted up on my brand new YouTube channel, Harland Williams. each episode's, I don't know, about four or five minutes long, and I guess I should give it away, but it cumulates, or cumulates, uh-oh, this is one of those words, cumulates, it crescendos with, with me and the fauns catching some very, very fine salmon, okay? And one of them's a monster.

One of them is really, really big. So lots of excitement. very informative check that out the harland williams youtube channel uh don't forget to check out the facebook page and uh join up uh you can join my twitter page at harland williams and uh you can uh go to harlem williams dot com and uh you don't pick up merchandise in our store see my touring dates just harland williams everywhere god and if you want to see me and in person. Who doesn't?

Duh. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy headlining the Chicago Improv. It's technically not right in downtown Chicago. It's out in the suburbs, a place called Schaumburg, just a little bit outside of Chicago. Beautiful Club, the Improv Comedy Club, in Schaumburg, Illinois, just outside of Chicago.

And you can go online to Inns. Improv.com and get your tickets. Or if you're down Florida way, I'll be in Tampa. Oh, by the way, the Chicago dates, I should tell you, are Thursday, May 31st through Sunday, June 3rd. And then, like I said, I'll be down in Tampa, Tampa, Florida, June 7th to the 10th. And get your tickets for all those, that's at the improv as well. well so just go to improv.com click on the desired city and bingo you're sitting in front of me laughing your sweet british ass off no matter what nationality you are uh so there you go uh you can call me

at 323 739 4330 if you have a message you want to leave or just write at harlewilums.com but that's it. I got to get over to Jack Nicholson's place for Card and Black Forest Cake night. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, everyone. You got it?