The Harland Highway - 400-B The live in studio 400th

Episode Date: May 28, 2012

This is 400 - B the IN STUDIO AT UNIVERSAL CITY episode. Live calls and webcast. This is the second 400th episode thrown by my boss Mr. Featherstone after the threat of lawsuits. ENJOY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Korean clam bake. Hey folks, welcome to the Harland Highway, a very unusual show today. Let me tell you what's happening. A lot of confusion going on around at the studio here. At first, I didn't think I was going to get a 400th podcast. And when I started to do it, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, called me up to his office. He said there wasn't going to be a 400th, that I was getting me. fired and then he got worried about some litigation happening my agent stepped in uh there was some

lawyers making phone calls so featherstone stepped it up and he sprung for this big extravaganza for the 400th podcast even though we already did the 400th podcast this will be like 400B so this is the extravaganza part where Featherstone got me set up at Universal Studios in Hollywood the podcast was webcast so there were cameras

you could actually watch it I don't know if you caught it or not but you'll hear me referring to you'll hear me referring to cameras and being seen in this podcast don't let it affect you obviously this is just an audio podcast now this is

a copy of the 400B big extravaganza podcast that we did. And I wanted to replay it in case you missed it because it came up really fast. Featherstone put it together almost overnight. But it went off really well. We had the big studio. We had the webcams there. For the first time ever, I had a live phone line. could call into. We took calls. We had an in-studio special guest, one of the podcast

favorites, Brian Palermo, and another favorite guest called in from the East Coast, Justin Ian Daniels. And we did the big animal quiz. We had kind of a tete-to-tet where Brian and Justin and had to go at it to see who would win the animal quiz. And it was just wild. It was just wild. So you'll hear a lot of extracurricular stuff that you don't normally get in the regular podcast. But keep in mind, this was the big 400th shindig.

And it was great. I got to say thank you to Mr. Featherstone. I got to say thank you to the people at Universal. I've got to say thank you to the John Lovitz Comedy Club. I've got to say thank you to Frank Kramer and Frank Kelly, the guys that helped put it all together

and everyone else involved. So here it is without further ado. This is podcast 400, let's call it 400B. We had the original one and this is the big one that helped keep my boss

out of the courtroom. And because we had such a affair this is probably the longest podcast i ever did this thing's about an hour and a half long so uh hope you got some time maybe you'll listen to it in segments maybe not it's up to you here we go the harland highway 400 b welcome to the harland highway all right let's get this sucker gone huh you're causing a major disturbance on my time it's the harland highway what's up bra if i'm here and you're here doesn't that make it our time i have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass am i hallucinating here just what in the hell do you think you're doing

you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway this is your fucking wake-up call man you're riding down the harland highway with harland williams in 30 seconds you'll be dead i'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes Live from Universal Studios Hollywood in beautiful Los Angeles, California. Toadhopnetwork.com. Radio worth watching. Radio worth watching. Heyo!

Ladies and Gurgleblurgens. Wow, welcome. Can you see me? This is the first time you've been able to see the kid do his schmottelcastle. And what a treat. Before I go anywhere, welcome to the Harland Highway 400th episode.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What a milestone. And my boss, Mr. Featherstone, threw this together. And he connected with the great people at Toad Hop Networks. So first of all, thank you to Frank and Frank and Toad Hop Networks for facilitating this magical moment. And Mr. Featherstone, I don't know if he's listening or not.

That's my boss, as you know. Maybe he's listening. Thank you, sir, for doing this. Unbelievable. Unbriva bro, as they say in Chinatown. My technician Roger is here. we're going to have special guests here today we've got malt balls

and I hope you can for those of you that can't see this by the way this is being webcast Roger where can they see it if they want to get on the webcast I guess they're already on it right yeah probably tootoff.com

yeah tootoff.com well in case you're just listening when I say I've got maltballs I mean someone bought me a carton of malt balls I don't mean that my testes are dipped in smooth Swiss milk chocolate. That'd not be right. And also on the podcast today, hi, everybody.

You can phone me. This is the first. You can phone me live and you can ask me things. We can talk about the podcast. We can talk about you. We can talk about worldly matters. You know I have all the answers. Let me throw the number out there.

888. That's 3-8. And just so we're not confused, Lucifer is 666. So 8-88 is probably one of his brothers. 8-88-520-43-74. That's the number, right, Raj? Yeah, Roger's nodding, okay.

So you can call me, and you know what, just for the hell of it, because I've never done this, Before I bring, I have a special guest here today, by the way, unbelievable. And we're going to have a special guest calling in, and we're going to have the animal quiz today. And my special guests are going to go head to head. Just so you know, they're the two most popular guests on the Harlan Highway. They're the two guests that have been here the most more than anyone. They've been here from the beginning.

And I can't wait to bring them out here. but before we do that, let's take a call. You've got to take a call. Let's just go to the first one on the thingy here. And I'm not going to be able to get to everybody, but let's try our best. Here we go. Hello, you are on the Harlan Highway.

Is this Joe? Oh, the middle button. There we go. See, this is my first time here. You're on the Harlan Highway. Is this Joe? Yes, sir. What's up, bro?

What's up, Broski, Fluslo-Ski? How are you? Hanging in there, me. I love the podcast. Good to finally talk to you. One of the best actors in Hollywood. Oh, my God. Am I turning red or green, or is he wrong? Is everyone here scratching their heads? Thank you, buddy. Well, you know what? You are the very first caller ever to call into the Harlem Highway podcast. So as a prize, as a huge prize, I want you to go out and buy yourself a new car.

I will do that. What do you recommend? You know what? Spoil yourself. Get a Lamborghini, dude. Congratulations. I'm not Italian. That'll work. Congratulations. The guy just got himself a new car. I mean, I'm not buying it, but Joe's going to get it. What do you drive now, Joe? I got an old Camaro.

Oh, yeah. You're not referring to your girlfriend, are you? No, no. He's gone. I kept the Camaro. Okay, because where I come from, when someone has a girlfriend that's getting a little rough around the I just they call her an old Camaro. No kidding. Is that an Ontario thing?

Yeah, where are you from? I'm up in Massachusetts. Oh, you know that? I'm not even joking. You might have heard this on one of my podcasts. I cannot say Massachusetts. I can't say it. And that's not an insult.

I cannot physically say that word. And badminton. I say badminton and Massachusetts. Yeah, I notice you say iron wrong, too, but that's all right. Yes. Yes, see? I do. I say iron. I can't say... Iron Maiden. I'm like, who's he? Oh, Iron made. Wait, how do you say it?

Iron. See? You say, I run. The rest of us say iron. I know. Joe. Joe, oh, my God. It's horrible. I had a quick question for that. Yes, yes. Go ahead. I'll tell off to somebody else can talk to you. Yeah, buddy.

All the characteristics that you do... Yes. Are they any of them based on anyone who's actually known in your life? If you get an idea for someone and, oh, I've got to do a director based on him, or are they just completely originals? You know what? They are all, let me think real quick, but they're all just completely original. They're all just characters that I made up. They're characters that I thought.

I got to make up characters that I'm going to have fun with. I got to make up characters that are going to be a pain in my butt. And I got to make up characters that I hope you guys, the pavement pounders, laugh at. Love it. Samuel Quelk is my favorite. Samuel E. Quoak. Now, let me, all right, let me, when I was in college, I used to throw that name around, Samuel E. Quowke. I don't know where I got it.

I think it was based on a fat janitor that used to sweep the floors at a mall near me. Right. But just for everyone that doesn't know, Samuel E. Quowke is the guy that he's very flowery. He writes these very deep romantic letters, and they're always, what, what, would you say, Joe, kind of what, morbid? Yes, morbid's the perfect word. Why do you like that guy so much? He just starts off calm, and then he just gets brutal, and then you just step in and blast him. That's the best.

Him and the George Michael calls are just priceless, priceless entertainment, and it's just awesome, and he just do a fantastic job, and again, congratulations. and 400 podcasts. I listen to everyone. Aw, see. Fantastic entertainment. Well, Joe, you warm my heart. You're the reason I do this.

You know, it's all about having fun, and I'm so happy you like it. You're the first caller. Have fun in your new Lamborghini, buddy. Keep on listening, and love you, man. Thank you. All right. You too, bro. Thanks a lot.

All right, Joe. That was Joe in Massachusetts. Wait a minute. Did I do this, right? Drop. What was he on? I'm all mixed up. One drop.

There, I did it. And now there's a blue light. Oh, can I put him on hold still? There we go. We can't do two calls in a road just yet. So that was our first call. That was a guy. And I think before we get into bringing our first guest out,

Raj, don't anything as fair? We have a girl caller as our second caller. All right. And then I see my buddy, Balls. There's a guy named Balls, who's a great fan, and he's on hold. And we're getting balls, if you're listening, we're going to get to you. And I'm not talking about my mighty malted balls. This is a real guy named Balls.

But let's go to, speaking of Balls, there's a girl calling named Lori Butters. We got balls and butters. It's like Butterballs. let's go to Lori and uh and uh she's in uh looks like she's in everett washington Lori yes hey how you doing i'm doing fantastic you're the second caller ever to the harland highway podcast wow congratulations on the fourth episode oh god bless you little angel thank you yeah you're the first i should say you're the first second you're the first woman but the second caller ever.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Now, what's going on with you? Where are you? What's happening in your life? Everett Washington, two girls. Have a boyfriend. Mm.

And what's your boyfriend do? He work. Where? He has a good job. He works in Everett, too. What's he do, though? I'm just trying to figure out a girl with the last name Butters. What kind of boyfriend?

With that. What's he did? your boyfriend? He worked on parts, on planes. Oh, wow. Yeah. He's a good guy. And what's his last name?

It better not be like nuts. No, I don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember either. I just thought, imagine if his last name was nuts, like butter nuts. No. Listen to this. I'm doing like cheap high school gags. I got this wonderful lady calling.

And I'm doing like a barnyard playground. humor here. What the hell's wrong with me? Nothing. Oh, good. Thank you. So do you listen to the podcast regularly? No, I don't. It's my first time. Oh, wow. Look at this. Unbelievable. Yep, but I've seen your shows. Tasty, tasty, tasty little treat. Oh, well, hey, listen, thanks. Thank you so much for calling. And because you're the first female caller, this is from me to you. Go out and buy yourself. a brand new helicopter. Oh, there you go. Yeah.

So there you go. Lori Butters, everybody. Thank you, Lori. Thank you. Oh, man. Let's, let's, no, I know Balls is listening. We're going to talk to Balls after I bring my first guest in here because I want my first guest to get in on the Balls conversation.

And don't forget, if you want to call in, we're going to be taking calls 888-520-4-374, right, Roger? And he doesn't want to talk today. Roger's being very great. I think he's got some stage fright. You can please Roger, don't bail on me. Talk to me. Talk to me. And you could call

an 888, 520, 4374. And that's enough. That's enough for me. It's time for our first guest. This guy I love, he's a comedic actor. He's a dramatic actor.

He's a dramatic actor. He's smart. He's funny. He's very articulate. He's all the things I want to be. But I figure if I hang out with him by association, some of it'll rub off. You can catch him at the groundlings. He's going to tell you about a new movie he just shot. And we did a movie together called My Life and Ruins. That's where we kind of got to really know each other. I love this guy. He's one of our top guests on the Harland Highway. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Brian Palermo. Yeah.

Thank you for that wonderful intro, Harlan. Yeah. You're very sweet. Oh, you're very sentimental and sensitive on your 400th. I am. I'm like, we might have to hug later or something. Yeah, well, not that far. Not that far.

You don't want to go that far? It is chilly in here. We could just hug for warmth. Okay, we could. It's a survival hug. It's not because I'm emotional. Well, you got the chocolate balls, so I have to kill for I don't melt them. Yeah.

With the warmth of my hug. And you've got some heat. You're in shape. You're bringing it. You're bringing the sexy back. 156 pounds of muscle. Well, you're not 156. Okay, a buck 60.

I'm tiny. I'm very tall and skinny, so, you know, I'm one of those things. That drives me nuts because you're my height. Yeah, I'm like six foot. You're six foot one. That's what I am. Oh, you're six? Okay.

And I'm 200. And you're telling me you're 135? Yeah, but you've got at least 20 pounds of breasts. I mean, you've got huge man boobs. Oh, God. What's the bra size you're wearing tonight? It's a four. Okay.

Yeah. Do they make them that way? For me, they do. Okay, good. All right, good. So how are you, man? I'm great. You just got off the set of a new Disney movie.

Tell us about that. It's a Disney Channel movie. It's called Girl versus Monster, and I'm the girl's daddy. It's very exciting. And I can't imagine that your listeners are going to watch Girl versus Monster. I can't imagine this is the right down. No, it doesn't matter. I'm telling them they have to.

All right, well, off you go. It'll come on in October for Halloween. It's a Halloween thing in case you hadn't put up in. Great. Listen, folks. Everybody, you have to. Girl versus Monster? You got it.

That's it. You have to watch it. Or I'm coming to your house and cleaning your windows and vacuuming your rugs. And that's a threat. What was sweet about it is I was up in Vancouver for six weeks, and I really dig Vancouver. I really loved it. Yeah, but it's rainy and damp, though. Yeah, I got tired.

First week was like, I never get this. I love it. It's really cool. Second week, it's like, well, you've got to have some rain if you want to have lush, green, you know. Third week is like, I'm going to fucking kill a Canadian. Someone must pay for this gray bullshit. Fourth week, it came back around. Wow.

And then after that, I was just snowed for the last two weeks. It's weird because if you get up to any height in a building, like a hotel or an apartment building, and you look down on the other rooftops, there's moss growing on a lot of the roofs. Yeah. And that's a sign that you're in a damn. or you're buried underground i mean you're a mole person it's not a good sign yeah or you're not taking care of your apartment uh well welcome buddy thank you great to have you thanks for having me it's always fun to come play unbelievable 400th and as always you know i've got a nice long list of

questions and topics for us i expect nothing less and uh and then later in the show folks we are going to do the Harland Highway Animal Quiz, where we get all of you listeners, and we have a special guest, Brian, and another special guest calling in later. The Pope? Is it the Pope? Well, you went ahead and ruined it. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Benedict.

Yeah. Well, oh, you want some eggs Benedict? No, the Pope is named Benedict. Oh, I thought you were making an order. I can do both. Okay, he wants some Benedict. I'll take an omelet. But do you want a Pope hat on your Benedict or plane?

I've already got one on my penis, so I don't need it. Oh, oh, you have a penis now? Yeah. Oh, I went to Vancouver. I've never seen it. They hand them out in Vancouver like they're fucking candy, man. As soon as you cross the border, it's like a penis. You get a penis?

Yeah, yeah. So it's a Canadian penis. What color is it? Oh, it's the blue. It's a traditional one. Like an avat penis. Exactly. Avatar.

Avatar penis, right. Wow. What's an averection look like? Like one of those folding mushrooms? It is exactly like a folding mushroom. that has imploded upon itself. So the head is at the base. It's very, very weird.

Geographically, or geometrically, it doesn't work. You know what's weird about the avapenus? Everything. Well, everything, but the worst is when you orgasm, those floating jellyfish come out. And they just float all around, and your seed lands on people. Remember those floating white jellyfish?

Those are avasperms. Oh. Yeah. If I had a nickel for every weekend, I woke up In the middle of a cloud of avosperm, I would be rich. Wow. No, it, what was it the worst part of the... No, I imagine the worst part is that you've got an inverted penis.

I would think that would be the worst part of an ava penis. An inverted penis? It's inverted. Like you get an erection inwards. Yes. So you could basically screw yourself in the butt from inside. Exactly. Wow.

Which can save time, but it's not comfortable. Is that what you'd classify as uro-erotic? Without question. I mean, of course. I mean... Because I've heard that term, you're erotic, and I figure if you have a boner that goes inwards and stabs into you and goes straight back into your own, boy, this is getting weird. It starts weird.

This is not going to be. Okay, let's bring it back up a little bit. Let's bring it back to you. We can always go weird later. We'll always go weird. Well, let's go to a question. I heard a train. There's a train of coming.

It's a comedy train. It's coming around the corner. Here's my first question for you. If you had to be killed by an animal, what would it be? What animal? Do you think of these specifically for me or just you sit around and think this shit up? I have a whole room full of writers somewhere. I can't tell you where.

They're in a weird spot somewhere in a room. If I were to be killed by an animal. Yeah, what kind of animal? Well, the first smart-ass answer is like, well, humans are animals, so I would be killed by Avalongoria. Fuck to death or something Wow, you're really blue today I've never seen you It started with I grew a penis in Vancouver

Well, that's what Vancouver does to a person And now you're getting effed by evil and gorya Vancouver turns you dirty If I had to be killed by an animal I'd want to go fast I don't want to linger Fat? Fast Okay, I'm picturing a hippo

No, no, I want something that's going to kill me Fast quick, yeah So like a road ride runner. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Sure. Well, they're fast. I know, but they wouldn't kill you fast. Well, you didn't define fast. I'm telling you, I would want to. He'd be killed quickly, so I didn't suffer, so I'd want a big animal that would kill me quickly.

Oh, okay, because I saw it either a roadrunner or a cheetah. They're the fastest. But you're saying you want to be killed quickly. Something would put me out of my misery quickly. Okay, so what would that be? So if I wasn't so afraid of sharks, maybe like a great white shark, and just bite me a half, and it's done, and it's done, you know? You don't be cool about that, though. Maybe you would make it onto one of those Discovery Channel shows where you see the shark breach, and we see Brian Palermo.

thrown in the air, swirling through the air, crunched, and then at least on your way out, you get a TV spot. It would be awesome. And then my family would get some residuals out of it. Bingo. It's a win-win. The shark eats, my family eats, everybody's happy.

But the only thing I'm worried about is your clothes will cause pollution. They'll be floating around in the water, and a sea turtle will choke on your Sears' tough skins or whatever you're going on. If I get bitten in half by a great white shark, the last thing I'm worried about is a sea turtle in clothes. Okay, that's the last thing I'm going to worry about.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I wonder, that's a strong word, a great white shark. It's almost like, I wonder if black people take offense to that. It's like, what the hell is with the great white ship, man? Well, it could be. Why had to know great black shark? Well, there are black-tipped reef shark. Yeah, but that doesn't have, like, I don't hear the word great. No, they don't eat you. Like a great white shark, that could almost be like, hey, we might have to lose that. The way they lost that flag? What was that flag

on the Dukes of Hazards? The General League. The Confederate flag. We might have to lose the Great White Shark the way we lost the Confederate flag. I love that your reference for the Confederate flag

is the fucking Duke's a hazard. You know, you're a citizen here, aren't you? Did you have to take a test? I'm from Vancouver. I had to put my cock in ink like a fingerprinter. This is your reference

is the Duke's a hazard? Yeah, that's my historical. Oh, my God. And by the way, Brian is a history not and I have a question for you later about history he's really good at history no no that's not fair I like history but I'm not initially good at it but you're you're a student of it you love history and you're you're well versed in it I'm not going to sit here and build you up and say this guy's a major historian slightly better than the guy who thinks the Duke's a hazard flag

came from the Duke of Hazard sitcom in his 1870s right but I'm not really building me up thing but yeah but recognize that my desire to uh to get killed by a great white shark because of my wussiness of wanting to go fast right right right i just don't want to suffer yeah no who wants to suffer with the death so i would i would go great white shark if you wanted to suffer by death you'd you'd whisk for snails or hummingbirds yeah snails or hummingbird that'd be good imagine hummingbird slowly sucking drops of blood out of you so it took you 48 days i've been there i've been burning man oh you were a burning man yeah and hummingbirds i was attacked by hummingbirds or maybe i just thought so but it was vivid wow vivid i think hummingbirds would be great if you had wicked backney

they could just take your shirt off and suck the pus out of your disgusting yeah but practical and delicious and for them yes okay i like the way you think well what would i what would i want to be a killed by i'm going to say you're going to say can i guess what you're going to say yeah go you're going to say dinosaur Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, that's not current, though. Yes, I'd like, you said that I want to get attacked by a brannosaurus, and I don't want it to step on me. I want it to bend down, pick me up, go all the way to the top, and then just drop me. So it's like this real long, slow death.

Unlike you, I want the pain and the suffering, right, Raj? What do you want to get killed by, Raj? A man, he just said. Right, right, right. An oh man. A slow, a turtle. Just crawled on by a turtle. A turtle with a, like, a nail file.

It just slowly files off your skin until you bleed to it. Oh, God. Take you a week and a half. Delish. Well, why don't we get one of our calls? You want to talk to Balls now? Do I ever? It's weird.

I feel weird talking to a buddy and saying, you want to talk to Balls. You've said it before to me. Is Balls a dude or a girl? Balls is a dude, and he's a great fan of the show. I met him recently at one of the comedy clubs. Oh, cool. And why don't we ask him what kind of animal he'd like to be? So I'm hitting the green button or the one below it?

All right, Balls. He's been waiting patiently. Here we go. Hello, Balls. Hello. Hello. How are you, buddy? Good, man.

How are you doing there, Harlem? It's a pleasure to talk to you. Oh, it's great to have you tune in. You know, when I knew we were going to go live, I thought I wonder how many of the hardcore fans are going to tune in, And there he is. Balls, right at the front of the line. Well, done. Balls to the wall.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. Well, we were talking about what animal would you want to be killed by, and I guess we should ask, what about you, guy? I don't know. I was thinking about it. I'm thinking maybe I'm going to go Chuba Cobra. Oh, nice. Oh, wow. Isn't that like a Mexican, like, a bundle of fur?

I think the nickname is the goat sucker. The goat sucker? Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't my nickname in high school. That's really the nickname of it. What was your nickname in high school? You don't really need one.

Your real name's balls. Who needs a nickname? I think in high school is asshole. Wow. Not what your teacher called you. Actually, the whole school hated me, and all the people had me. What? Why did they hate you?

I guess I was different. No, it's just your name. And when you're set up like that, okay, so you must have heard sweaty balls, greasy balls, low-hanging balls. What was the best, worst insult of your ballsy name? Because you must have heard them all. Yeah. Well, you stumped them. I did.

Sorry, I didn't mean to throw you. He stumped his balls. I've been trying to block out all that badness for a little bit. You got it. You know, you're right. I'm on your side. The therapy didn't fix. Wow.

Wow. I'm going to give you a new nickname, Balls. I'm going to call you Mr. Fucking Awesome. That's your new nickname. Oh, my God. I love that. There you go. Say it again.

Mr. Fucking awesome. Oh. Wow. Is this the best phone call of your life, Mr. fucking awesome? It's the best fucking call. You just made his life. You just erased all that abuse he had in high school.

We've touched someone's life. You've touched someone's balls. I screamed so loud there. I like I should a little bit. Oh, man. Don't get any on the balls. Well, buddy, what's your, since we've got. you on the line. What's your favorite character

here on the Harlan Highway? Dr. Debbie Timer. Dr. Debbie Timer. I don't know her. Dr. Debbie Timer is a life coach that comes on, and she gives advice on people's lives

on their sexual activity, on their marital problems, and she's great, very smart, but she kind of always seems to get callers that aren't so smart. Oh, she sounds very helpful. Yeah, she's very wonderful. She's a trained professional, and well, hopefully we'll have her on soon. And Balls, thank you so much

for calling, man. Harley, can I ask you a quick question before we go? Absolutely. What's up? I love the scary movies, and I always wanted to ask you in Pittsburgh and I get a chance. What's your favorite scary movie and what movie scared you as a child? Oh, wow. Great question. I love the original Halloween. The original Halloween was awesome and then evil dead. Evil dead I love but it was more like comedic to me like that's the one where the guys in the cabin right? Yeah the first one's more serious so you should check out one out yeah it's it's great but there's still some funny stuff in there's that there's that great

scene where his arm gets possessed by the devil and he stabs his own hand with a knife and he goes uh-huh that's right I'm in charge now to his own arm put on top the book that when he traps his hand with the bucket, they put the book on top it says a fair one of arms. I know. There's some classic comedy in there. And another movie that's very obscure, it's a British movie. It's an old

black and white movie, and I'm trying to think of the name of it because it's really creepy. Great expectations? No. But that is some creepy stuff in it. Dickens, he's a horrible, horrible guy. Oh, my God. What's this movie called? I'll try and think of it,

House of wax. No, no. You wouldn't, I don't think you'd know it. It's the, oh, I think it's called the Innocence. Oh, I don't know that. Yeah. I don't think I see it. I have to check it out.

It's really creepy. It's about this British nanny who goes to take care of these two British kids at this giant mansion. That's the sound of music. You're confusing. You're confusing them. I get it now. I get it now. But it is, it's close, but it is the innocence.

And there's some really creepy visual stuff in there that, that I don't. love. So check, check that out. I definitely will. It was a pleasure talking to you guys. Balls, you rock, man. Keep on listening. Mr. Fucking awesome! Thanks for name. Way!

See you. All right, buddy. Thanks, balls. Wow, you made that guy's like... He deserves it, man. If you you've got a name like that, you're going to catch shit your whole life. I mean, especially as a guy. You're just going to catch nickname bullshit your whole life. You deserve a good

positive name. Yeah, that was great. I love that you did that. Well, let's move on to some more questions. All right. And I hope our listeners are enjoying this at home. Where does the word butterscotch come from? And do you ever use that word? Yeah, well, only in relation to ice cream sundaes.

You get butterscotch like topping or whatever. Can you use it in a sentence before we unveil where it comes from? Yeah, yeah. Hey, Megan Fox, I've got butterscotch Sunday topping dripped upon my body. Wow. And that's more of an invitation than I'm. statement. You're very sexual today. I don't think I've ever seen you this sexual.

Well, I'm fired up. I'm fired up. Are you on Viagra right now? Seven. Seven Viagra. I'm lit up. Wow. You're like a lighthouse at the edge of the world. Butter. Where does butterscotch come from? Where does that word come from? You're a shadow of the dark. There was a thing called butter rum.

That was a real thing. Okay. And I think it was like a watered down version of stuff for kids. No? I don't know. I'm picturing a guy with red hair and a kilt out on the moors churning butter like a guy Scottish guy making butter

and someone here there butter scotch you better come in for dinner it's getting foggy out our haggis is getting cold buttercotch bring it in burroscotch I don't know I have no idea what the etymology of butterscotch is I really don't

wow it's got to be kid related because it's a it's a candy version of of an alcoholic reference? I don't know. Yeah, because kids love the booze. Oh, kids love the booze. How old were you when you first had your first sip of the funny stuff?

It was a mimosa. It was at like a family wedding. Oh. And this is true. Wow. But I'm buying from New Orleans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can drink.

It's pronounced New Orleans. Well, it's pronounced any way you want when you're drinking at six years old. Yeah. But yeah, it was like it was like orange juice and champagne. That's a mimosa. Wow. And I remember some aunt gave it to me. He's like, it's orange juice, honey.

That's weird. So an aunt walked up to you and gave you a drink? Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know if she walked up and gave me a drink, but. Oh, you mean your aunt? I thought you meant an aunt walked up to you and gave you a drink. No, yes, I said to my aunt. But I've got a huge, huge inbred Cajun family.

I've got, you know, hundreds of aunts and cousins and uncles and whatnot. So there probably is, once you say there's a genetic meltdown, there probably is a real ant somewhere in your mix. Like with three body cells? sections and tweezers lips. Uh-huh. Did you have anyone in your family when you get together at the holidays? You notice one of, one, someone in the corner eating grasshoppers and stuff? Yeah, yeah.

That's the ant. It's usually me. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, it's you. You're the ant. Grasshoppers are yummy. I got, I got, I got news for you. Grasshoppers are yum-e, bro.

I don't know. Do you know where Butter Scots? comes from? I told you it comes from Scottish guys churning butter on the moors. That's what I seriously think. Well, isn't the Confederate flag from Dukes of Hazard? That's true. That is true.

So why would not butter come from a scotch guy? If only there was some sort of computer we can look up things on and get answers. Oh, Google. Oh, Google-Doole. Google-D. I have no idea where Butterscotch comes from. What was I going to say, though, man?

I had a thought. Lance, grasshoppers, butterscotch, inbred, Scottish guy. Oh, he's going to freak me out now. I'm trying. Balls, Mr. Awesome. It's okay. That's all I got, pal. All right, let's take another call before we go on to our next question.

And my next question, by the way, is the history one. Okay, good. And, well, let me get a time check because we have our other special guest calling in. Oh, it's 745. So we'll get to our other caller as on. on the line, our other special guests, and we're going to tap him in in just a minute. Okay. But for now, let's go to Al in Hillsborough Greenland.

Is Hillsborough and Greenland? Sure it is. Al, you're on the Harlan Highway. Hello, how's it going? How are you, man? Oh, excellent. Thank you very much. How you'd have a happy 400th.

Oh, thank you, man. You've got such cool fans, man. Al's great. Al, can I tell them about the little project we're working on, Al? Oh, for sure. Al and I, we, I did a little cartoon, an animated cartoon with a buddy of mine called The Cock, the Ass, and the Pussy. And it's about a donkey, a rooster, and a cat that all live together. Of course. That goes without saying.

And you can see it at my new YouTube page, Harland Williams' YouTube page. And all three episodes are up there. and Al did the music for this cartoon, right, Al? Oh, hell, yeah, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it's really fun doing that with you. I appreciate it. Oh, are you kidding? I appreciate you.

Now, Al's amazing. Al works at a zoo. Yeah, I was thinking maybe I'd be interesting, get killed by a porcupine. It would take, like, three weeks. Oh, that's too much. That's too much pain. You have to suffer through that. But it would be like acupuncture for the first day.

That's right. Well, that's a good point. You'd think you were getting murdered, but then all of a sudden you can walk straight. If the porcupine could kill you with the proper acupressure points, then it would be all right. Because you could probably be orgasmic on your way out the door. Oh, that's true. And you know what might be even easier and faster is if someone threw a sea urchin at your temple. Would that do it?

Well, that would knock you out a lot quicker, but you'd still get the pointy, prickly. Maybe in conjunction. And then get a hedgehog on the crotch or something. Oh, hey, Al, tell us a funny zoo story, man. Al, it's a San Francisco Zoo, right? It is. Tell us, like, a nutty thing, like a koala bit someone or a manatee, like a tacta. You know, some of these idiots always put their hand in the cage and they get mauled.

You got it coming. Tell us a good zoo story, buddy. Oh, but San Francisco Zoo's never had anything bad happen there, hasn't they? No, no, you tell us. But if it hasn't, there's got to be something funny, like an eagle took something. Some ladies wig off or something? Oh, no. Well, I have a, well, where I volunteer there, it's like a, we have birds of prey, you know,

owl's hawks and stuff. We have, like, the world's largest owl, like the kind you work with that movie. Eurasian Eagle Owl. Exactly. Nice. Hello. You dropped that very believably. Hello, I've had one on my arm.

Ironically enough, a Disney Halloween movie that I shot in Vancouver two years ago. Spooky buddies. Spooky buddies. I was close. Scary puppies, spooky buddies. Scary puppies are spooky. So you win. I want you to go buy yourself a new yacht. Oh, thank you, pal. So, Al, come on. There's got to be one goofy, funny story where a monkey ate a sardine or someone's, you know, nose got pulled off or something. Well, this is more of a zoo guest. Okay.

That's not a super high class zoo guest. Okay. Let's hear. We have like three day every first Wednesday for us. So sometimes you get some interesting characters like a ghost. teed lady one day but but so I was out there and like this owl is like you know giant you remember they're big they're you know they're the biggest owl

yeah so those children all over the place and she's with her four children are sewing she yells all the way across from the island she goes that's a big motherfucking owl I love I love the classy zoo goer that's my favorite especially a mother of four it gets better though and she's her education comes you can see up here but she

comes around the corner says well can I pet that and you know we don't really they don't like to be touched. I told her, I'm sorry. I can't let you pet her. And she goes, well, why'd you take it up out of its natural atmosphere? Atmosphere. It was flying around in space. I know. It was a stratosphere. It was up in the third lay. They plucked it out of the Aurora Borealis. I know. We didn't want him to burn up and re-entry. You know, it's funny you said that I was in Australia once at this incredible aquarium, and it was one of these ones. It was new at the time, but it was this incredible

aquarium with sharks and underwater coral reefs. It was one of those ones. They built a tunnel through the tank so you can walk underneath it, and the bellies of the sharks are going right over you. New Orleans has that kind, the tunnel that you walk through. Everything's about New Orleans, isn't it? Everything should be. Long Beach Aquarium has the same thing, and it's fantastic.

So it's an incredible experience. It basically puts you underwater with giant sharks and Moray eels and everything. And I was over in Australia, and I'm under this tube, and everyone's just in awe. and there was the classic American, like New Yorker, some lady with her kids and her husband, and they were looking up and she just goes, let's get out of here. This is just about the most boring thing I've ever seen.

Australians, you know, they're used to it. No, this was a New Yorker in Australia. Right. Did you just think I was doing an Australian accent? Your accents are so horrible. I thought, let's go churn some batter. That's the worst French accent I've ever heard in my life. Oh, man.

Your Bronx accent sounded like Brisbane. It sounded like Melbourne. I want to be killed by a bronxosaurus. A bronxosaurus? I want it to pick me up and drop it. It can be done. On Al. I want it to drop me on Al. Not kill Al, but kill me.

Right, Al? In Massachusetts. I'm Massachusetts. I can't do it. I can't do it. Al, hey, dude, I've got some updates for you on the cartoon, the cocked the ass and the pussy. It's really funny. They're three minutes long.

Go to the Harlow Williams YouTube channel. and Al did all this great music and their funny little episodes. Check them out. And Al, I could talk all day to you, buddy, but we got to spread the love and move on to some other callers. Well, thanks for taking my call. I appreciate it. You rock, buddy, and keep safe up at the zoo, okay?

And congratulations on saying Polarmo instead of Palmyra. Hey! Thanks, dude. Wow, you know it. He knows, man. My name is like Massachusetts to this guy. I know it's true. You can't say you never pronounce it right.

It's awesome. Al, you rock, man. Thank you, buddy. you guys rock, too. Thank you very much. Have a great rest of your 400th. All right, Al. That's Al and an awesome guy. And let's get our next guest in here. It's time for our special other guest. All right. If it's not the Pope, I'm going to guess, because I don't know, anybody's listening to the podcast. I don't know who the guest is. It is the Ghost of Che Guevara.

No. Not so much. Not so much. Is it a man or woman? That's hard to figure out sometimes. Andy Dick. Oh, no, close. But he does have an Andy between his legs. All right, then I'm excited. He used to be a dick. This is our second most featured guest on the podcast.

You and him are in a class of your own. I'm happy to be joining that class. He's hilarious. He's a comedian. He's an actor. And ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hilarious Justin, Ian, Daniel, Are you there, buddy? How you doing, Arland?

Am I coming in clear? You got me there, Cowboy. A little cinnamon twist, you. Can you hear me okay? Are there people there? This is fun. You're very clear. I'm on the other side of the country right now.

I'm in Baltimore, Maryland. You're in Balls-Tamore? I'm in Baltimore. I'm in Bodymore Maryland right now. I'm getting a crab cake. I'm getting a 30-ounce glass of heroin and a gunshot right to the rib cage. This is nice.

I'm in a stolen Dodge Neon right now. It's a deal. And I'm listening to the best of body. Jon Jovi, live at Red Rock, 88. I've got some acid-washed jeans on, fresh falafel, and I shaved off all the hairs on my ass with a live Harlem Highway, live from the

John Lubbett's Comedy Club and maternity sweep in beautiful downtown San Francisco, Colorado. I can already tell I can not keep up with this guy. Oh, he's awesome. Justin is lit up, dude. He's... I've been huffing pain since 2 o'clock Eastern time. I can't feel my feet, and I'm pretty sure I can

smell numbers. Test me. I'll fuck you up. Oh, my God. Welcome, buddy. Great to have you here, man. Very excited. Al, the zookeeper. That sounds pretty cool. I want to check out the cartoon. Anus, nipple, and jowls on the island. Something like that. Something, sorry. Yeah, no, it's something like that. You're in the ballpark. I think it's the cock, the ass, and the pussy, but those other ones you mentioned are probably close cousins. The sphincter, the eyelash, and the unfortunate-looking Korean child. Well, let's get you right into the conversation here.

We're here with my buddy, Brian Palermo, and you two, as I said, are the two favored guests, the Golden Children of the Harlan Highway. And let's just jump into some more questions. Do it. Well, I'll just, it'll be a pop-per-ee here, man. I'm excited. I've heard good things about this Palermo fellow. I've heard good things.

Real good. Now, Justin, wait, before we get any question, are you Canadian? Yeah, I am. I think you are as well, friend? I am not. I am not. Because I don't have Ian in my name. Although Brian is spelled B.R. Ian, so it kind of half-ass counts. Yeah. And you're from New Orleans, right? We're neighbors to each other, names alive.

Totally. Yeah, I'm from New Orleans, and a lot of Acadians came down. Do two Ian's in a hand make for two bushes in a stone? Without question. Okay. Exactly. Well, here we go, guys. Brian is really good at history. This might be a tough Ian, Justin Ian, Daniels.

You'll know this one. Okay. What was so good about the 80s, you guys? The 1780s saw a lot of industrial. Oh, no, well, well. Oh, man. Oh, wait, wait, right. Oh, sorry, sorry.

The 1580s were the birth of the Renaissance. The 1980s. The 1880s, something about watching a Chinaman fresh off the boat lay railroad tracks. Just made my great, great grandfather. That's the 18, Jason, that's the 18. The 1980s, I just remember a lot of masturbating. to brittany spitz no no no no no no no the 1980s a lot of masturbating to durand-duran no no that's not right that's i can't the 1980s acid-washed jeans maybe is that what made them good yeah molly ringwall

john cusack oh molly ringwall john hugh's film singular shoulder pat thank you jane what was aids what was aides it wasn't it was not even a big deal then was that when it started She smells clean, let's tap it. Exactly. By the way, Justin, didn't you have a bad case of Molly Ringwald when you were in the 80s? I did. Unfortunately, I got into the Judd Nelson a little hard. A little... I ended up with a little Molly Ringwald down on the old meat and two, veg.

A little diluted... Little diluted bleach, we'll take that right off. I will dunk it in boiling listerine and hope that God comes through. There you go. Well, let me just... view. So the 80s, it was Molly Ringwald, acid-washed jeans. San Francisco 49ers. San Francisco

49ers. That's for Frank Kelly. New Coke. New Coke, which came and went in about a day. Yeah. And that's it. That's what was so great about the 80s? No, man, there was Reagan, there was Gorbachev, there was, you know, Bowie had a comeback. You know, there's all kinds of, the 80s were fantastic.

Wait, Reagan. The cassette Walkman, you had all the John Hughes film, Sweet 16, left to zero. The Walkman. That's fantastic. Wait a minute. He didn't do less than zero. Did he do less than zero?

No, I'm just saying John used films as well as less than zero. Oh, yes, yes, yes, okay, very good. Looking out about Robert Downey Jr.'s iron man. I grew up on Robert Downey Jr. being a cocaine addict that was going down on guys and condos for a fresh fix. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where was this? In my house.

Lesson zero on Laserdisc in Palermo's house. Laser disc. Laser disc. Way to date it, dude. Way to date it. The 1980s, uh, my pastoral disc. prom? That was a good thing. Wait, before we get to your prom, did any of you guys in the

80s ever serve hors d'oeuvres off a laser desk? Of course. Tripoppers and crab puffs. Yeah, totally, man. You know, did some whisker biscuits, did some titty-lickens, and did a nipple tweak, but didn't you have any cream puffs or any crab rangoon?

Crab rangoon! Wow! Excited. You just step on a nail, dude? Crab rangoon. I have hepatitis. Wow. Well, it's funny because my second son is named Crab Rangoon. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that the one with the tomato sauce on his head? Yeah, well, that's a little gorbache up. But we couldn't think of a name, so we thought Crab Rangoon is a fantastic name. That is nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's spicy. It's spicy, and it's Asian, and it's seafood licked. The only problem is if you yell his name at the Olive Garden, everyone turns around and says, I'll have a plate.

Exactly. What the hell is a Rangoon, by the way? Crab, very familiar with. I watch Deadliest Cash. I enjoy him at a cake, and I have them hopped around inside of my Lane Bryant's. What a Rangoon? It's a sister cheese. It's a sister cheese to Hars Gavardi.

That's what it is. Hars Gavardi, Crab Rangoon. I have no idea what Rangoon is. All right, well, the 80s, I think you guys nailed it. Recovered it. I liked it. Let's move on. If you run through a field dressed as a rodent,

will you get attacked by a? a hawk or an owl? Without question. Oh, my God. You will? Oh, yeah. They'll take you down. A hundred percent of hawk. Yeah. Oh, I see. Oh, it's just an either-or question? Either or. Oh, no, no. Here's why I disagree, Justin. I think an owl, owl for sure. Because I'll go with hawk. I never see an owl move around. They sit around and they're spending all goddamn day figuring out how many lift it takes to get to the center

of a tipsy robot. That's because you're diurnal. You're only up during the daytime. Die what? Diurnal. I'm up at night, bro. You're dying to you. use a urinal? I'm doing for you. Do you need to make sprinkle, Brian? Do you need to make sprinkle? It's a webcast.

I'm peeing on myself right now. I'm out at night, and the owls would definitely get me before the hawks would get me. Wow. Okay, so you are okay with dressing up like a rodent and running through a field. I guess that's where I was really going with that. I'm wearing my ferret costume right now. Under that? Yeah.

Oh, wow. I like to dress up like a breadstick and run around an olive garden and save for A $4.95 is all you can eat of me. It's very clear to me why you two are friends, because you just non-second or bullshit with foodstuffs. Foodstuffs and silly names. You two must be brothers. All right. Let's do a quickie.

This is kind of a yes-no answer. I want to see if you two agree or disagree or whatever. Here's the quickie. Can the average human fit a staple gun, an apple crumble cake, and a bicycle tire in their underpants, all at the same time? Not cool. Not cool. No, no, that's a no, no, no, that's a no.

Really? No, sir. You're both wrong. No. Two out of the three, yes. Okay. All three? Like I are not happening.

No. Crumble and stapler, up my grocery hole as we speak. Grocery hole. Wow. Yeah. Would you like paper or plastic? They just outlawed that in L.A. What do you mean?

Plastic bags are gone their way out. They outlawed it. No way. You're always using those as condoms, dude. Yeah, I do. You're not going to be able to get them free from the store anymore. They're a little baggy, but, you know, if you wrap them around like five times. Oh, they're baggy for you?

I find them tight. Oh, my God. Well, I leave the groceries in them while I put them on. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. What happened? What was that noise? Something rang.

Something rang in the studio. Now, let me ask Roger. Roger, can we bring in other calls while we have Justin on the liner? Can we only do one at a time? Push the red one again? Push the red one. The blinking red one. Oh, the blinking red one. And Justin will stay on the line?

Oh, God. Not that red button. Oh, way to go. Now all the overweight audience members shit their pants. Okay, so now we have Justin and Brian here, and now we can take some other calls. I press the green one, right? The middle one. The middle one. Okay. Do your best, Larry King. We've got Robert calling in from Lunchmeet, Indiana. Bob it. You're on the line.

Hold on. You know what we have calling in? Chuckie. Chuckie? Now, I don't know if it's Chuckie, like, from the movies, or whether it's just a dude, a cool dude. Let me find out. He's from L.A., so I'm guessing... What do you guess?

I'm guessing surfer, dude. What do you guess he does? Oh, I think he's, like, a gang member in South Central. Oh, good call, Justin. I'm guessing he runs this chain of children's pizzerias, last name cheese. There you go. Oh, yeah. Okay, well, here we go.

Chuckie, you're on the Harlan Highway. How are you, man? How you doing? Actually, my name is Pete. I'm from Anaheim. What? Well, how do we get Chucky? Well, it's the Witness Protection Program, and you just fucked it up, Pete.

Wow. You've got 30 seconds to get out of your house. Oh, wait a minute. I pressed the wrong button. Chuckie's on the other line. Oh, my God. All right, Chuckie, hang in there. We're going to get to you.

Let's talk to Pete, though. We will not abandon Pete. How are you, Pete? I'm doing great. I'm doing great. Are you having a good time on the 400th episode of the Harlan Highway? Yes. actually pretty hard. It's awesome. It's my first time

hearing your podcast, but I'm loving it. Oh, awesome, dude. Awesome. Now, because we're going to check in with Chuckie, and you don't have to give us the name, but where do you work? I work at a bank. He's at a bank, okay. But Chuckie's going to be a surfer.

Do you want to hazard a guess as to what Chuckie does, Pete? I'm thinking Chuckie is a UPS driver. That's a good guess. That's a really good guess. Yeah. There was a hilarious joke on Letterman last night. I don't know if you watched it. In his monologue, Letterman goes, well, you know, summer's here.

I just spread ointment on my UPS driver's legs because they always wear those little brown shorts. That's not hilarious to me. That's just weird. I thought it might work because you're into a pint and a half of beer. Well, that's true. I thought you'd laugh at anything right now. That's true. So, Pete, do you have a question for myself or Brian or Justin or?

Or a comment? I actually have a question for you. This is kind of going back a while. You were on Big Money Hustlers with the Insane Clown Posse and I was wondering what it was like working with them and how you liked that whole experience. Oh, yeah, cool. I did a crazy movie called Big Money Hustlers

with the Insane Clown Pazey, crazy rap group. These guys wear clown makeup and really violent lyrics and stuff. I'm not a juggie girl. I just know of them. Well, undo that next. button there. You're a juggie girl. You're right. It was really fun, man. I didn't know a lot

about those guys. I just did a little research once they offered me the role in the movie, and I kind of like their vibe. They looked kind of cool, and I like the makeup, and we had a really fun time on the set of that movie. It was kind of a low-budget thing, and we were

kind of flying by the seat of our pants, and the director was letting me improv a lot of stuff, and... I was going to say shockingly overlooked by the Academy, me that year. It was. It was. And I'll give you a little inside secret. You know, me and Brian are sitting here drinking a frosty. We're having a beer. And I've never done a movie where I've been a little bit tipsy. It appears that I am, but we had this one scene where we're in a diner in this movie. And where you're drinking? And it took a long time to set up. So me and the, excuse me, the jerky

boys who were some of the other actors in the movie, we decided to start having some drinks. So it's the only movie where I actually am a little bit tipsy during the scene and I think it's a scene where I'm holding donuts up to my eyes and calling myself an owly gentleman

and stuff. Just bizarre. Now, you know, I love you more than anything, but I think you could probably do all of your rolls drunk. I think you're right. Probably better. It would probably improve you. Probably way better. Come on. It's fun. It's I was really hoping you were going to say the insane clown boss.

He forced like an entire pint of PCP on you. You could not feel your arm, ear bleeding, shaking, crying out for your father. They held me down and stuffed it into me like a goose pot-a type of thing. Well, hey, Pete, thank you so much, man, for calling in, dude. I'm glad it's your first time. I hope you'll stay on the highway and keep listening. And you can download us. You can subscribe to the podcast.

podcast at harlomwilliams.com or go to iTunes, and love to have you on board, buddy. Definitely, definitely. You've got a new listening to you. And trust me, buddy, from now on that you're on the highway, whenever you reach orgasm with some young lady, you grab a handful of hair, and right at that special moment, you scream, chicken chalming! And then get them right out of the bunk bed.

Twisted, twisted. All right, that's Pete from Anaheim. Thank you, Pete. Thank you. All right. So now, real quick, we'll go to Chuck. How long are we on for? What do we got, Raj? How much time? Another 30 minutes, another 25 minutes. So we got the Harland Highway Animal Quiz coming up. We got to save time for that. We're ready. So let's get to Chuckie before we do that. And Chuckie, we all tried to guess what you could do.

I guess he was that movie star, that little doll. You thought he was a dummy, a Ventriloquit dummy. Well, not a dummy. A ventriloquist dummy. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And you thought he was a gang member. Right, but not as a job.

That was more of a hobby. His job. What do you think he does as a job? Oh, El Pollo. That's my best best. And what was yours, Justin? Manually masturbates endangered species, saving their DNA for future generation. You've got that.

You've got that prepared. There's no way. Is Justin that smart? Is he that quick? He's awesome. That's why he's awesome. That's why you and him are the number one guest. Yes, we love you.

I'm already, I'm in awe of, Justin. Well, let's get to. Oh, cute, care bears. Let's get Chuckie going. Let's get the Chuckie. Here we go. Chuckie, you are on the Harlan Highway. Hello?

Dude. He's a surfer. You're right. You're right. Was I right, dude? Hold on, hold on. Hold on my masturbating. Oh.

Good. Good, yes, and. Way to go. Way to go improvising wise. That's fantastic. The only thing he hasn't done, is, like, throwing some gang signs, and then we all would have been right. Maybe he's doing it.

Yeah, you can't hear them, right? Way to go, Helen Keller. You can't hear those. Oh, right on, Temple Grandin. Temple Grandin. Nice reference. So, Chucky, be honest. Tell us, what do you do, buddy?

Well, I'm kind of a little bit of everything that you guys mentioned. Awesome. The Elpoil logo, UPS, and which one else? Jackie, do you might hear it to see me, or do I hear an Irish accent? Oh. Are you Irish, Chucky? Nah, I'm Mexican from South Central, but I hang out at the beach a lot. Oh, nice.

So you are a bit of the surfer dude a little, but you're kind of a beach guy, right? Yeah, instead of saying, bro, or Vato, I go, dude. Which beach? Nice, Vaso. Not Vaso, Votto. Vaso is... I thought he said Vaso with... No, no, that's like a vein in your leg.

A Votto. Vato, man. Come on. You live in L.A.? Yeah, no, Vato. Oh, okay. I used to think it was Blartos. I used to think, because I used to think, when my family came down from Canada,

I thought that some, well, I only heard it in passing. I'd hear guys go, hey, what's up, Bartos or something? And I thought they're saying Blartos. So I told. It sounds like a shitty lunchmeet. It does. A very shitty lunchmeet. Blartos is a shitty lunchmeet.

I wonder if they have that at Subway. Hey, Timmy, what do you have today? Blartos and cheese. I'll trade you. Oh, Justin, have you ever had a blarto? Blarto's footlong. There we go. Blartow slit long.

I knew Justin would have a blartos. So what's going on? Chucky, got any questions for the boys? You got any comments, requests, insults, compliments? Well, I'm really liking your show, and I just wanted to call up and give you the, you know, Toad Hop welcome. I saw, I heard you guys on Heidi and Frank, and you were a little bit scared that you weren't going to get any call,

so I took some time off my work schedule and said, I'm going to give Harley a call, make sure to last. That's really cool. That's really supportive. That's awesome. That's awesome. Great of you, man. Thank you, Chuckie.

You rock, man. And, you know, here's what I'm going to do. And I don't do this with every call. Come on, man. You know what, Chuck? You're not a millionaire. Harley, what are you doing? Here's what I'm going to do, buddy.

I want you to go out tomorrow or on the weekend and go to Caterpillar, industrial machines and buy yourself a brand-new steam rail. A steamroller. How nice is that? Yeah. How nice is that? And that's from me to you.

You go buy yourself a steamroller. You are. Okay, we'll do. You're a giver. How about this, Chucky? How about this? Palermo and I are going to sweeten the pot. I'm in home.

You pick yourself out a family member, and we're going to get them pregnant for you. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in all the way. Listen, I had a vasectomy, but I'm still in. I got some stuff in the freezer. It's good to go. Well, you have an avococque, too.

I have an avocococque as well. It's like a peacock and a blue at the same time. A big blue cinnamony flesh scepter. How's that, Chucky? We're here for you. You nodded off. We're here for you. Chuckie, nodded off.

Well, Chucky, thanks for calling the Harlan Highway, man. And we appreciate it. And keep on surfing, dude. And we will catch you later on down the highway, buddy. Chicken chow maim. Chicken chow maim, buddy. We usually say that right at the end of the show. That's like, sorry.

Did I ruin some? Well, we don't want people to. Yeah, people might think the show's over. No, no, no. That's like, remember how Carol Burnett would like wiggle her in? I'm so glad we had this time together. Sure. And then she and the Dukes of Hazard would get into a Confederate flag car and drive off.

Right? Right. Very vividly. Right. Right. Right. Don't you hate girls that say that? Justin, do you know girls that do that?

You talk about something, and they're like, right? Right. Like, Justin, say anything to us, and me and Brian will be those girls. Like, tell us something. So you're excited to have a, you know, first live podcast? Right? Totally. Right?

Not often, people get to do a live podcast at the John Levitts Comedy Club. Oh, my God. You're so right. How often does your dad scrub your ass crack with applesau? Right. Oh, OMG. Oh, M.G. Right? Oh, okay. All right, that's right. All right. You should put some fresh lacquer on your grandmother's rotting corn.

Oh, wow. You know that? You just pull vaulted over the line. You get into the French lacquer. Do you know where that came from? Before you do that, we haven't even cheers yet. I wish Justin was here. By the way, folks, Justin was invited to be here, and he's on the road doing some comedy. He's going to plug his dates in a bit towards the end of the show. But we wish you were here. And let's do a toast to Justin. To Justin Ian. Thank you, John's.

We're having a beer here, and that's the beauty. The highway stretches coast to coast. It does. It does. So I got a question for both you. Yeah. Are you both ready for the Harlan Highway Animal Quiz? Bring it on.

Yes. All right. Justin's drooling. He's so good at this. And you were good at it, too, the first time we did it. I did well. I did well the first time. I think I stumbled the second time.

All right. I'm ready. Well, here's the thing I've never done it. with two people. So in a way, you're kind of, you know. But, you know, Justin is not in this room, so he could be on Google getting these answers. Yeah, no Googling. So I'm being, I'm being watched by two witnesses. I'm in my car. I'm in my car. Oh, wow. You're driving illegally and being on the Harlan Highway. Great. Wrong side of the road. Got a couple of underage kids in the backseat,

cutting up small bags of cocaine, not anywhere near Google. It's Maryland. That's fine. Wow. Is that a near Massachusetts? Matroch. All right, well, here we go. Just in case, we obviously have some new listeners here, so here's how the Harland Highway Animal Quiz works. I lay down some very provocative clues for our special guests, and within those clues, they should be able to figure out the name of the species. It could be an insect.

Manatee. It could be a, no, that's not the thing yet. Manatee. Oh, okay, one for Brian. Sorry, Justin. Ah, I got it too fast. One for Brian. And then you guys have to figure out the name of the animal.

It could be an insect, a bird, an amphibian, a reptile, a mammal, whatever. And I hope you guys watching and listening, maybe you can figure them out before these guys do. We normally do four questions, but today there's five just in case we need a tiebreaker. Good call. And you guys ready? Yeah, sure. Justin? Ready to go.

Now, the first one's kind of easy, and then they get a little harder. Do I have to buzz in or do I just scream it out? You just have to scream it out. You have to beat. Okay. And Roger, you're not allowed to say anything on this one because you've been chatting through the whole show. He's talking about. Roger's hard to contain.

He won't shut up. He won't shut up. Roger, can you just say hi to the people, please? Hello. See? People think he drifted off. He put on a fake voice for that. I don't believe that at all. All right.

All right. Here we go, guys. Here's our number one question for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. Okay. Here we go. If a man did his pants up 30 times quickly, he would create enough friction to discover my name. What? Yeah.

What the hell if a man did his pants up? If a man did his pants up 30 times quickly, rapidly, he would create enough friction to create my name, to discover my name. to discover my name. Zipper heat, zipper, centipede, amelipede. trouser, trouser, trouser. Oh, trouser snake. You're around it. Oh, my God.

Harland, Snake, quickly, Williams, Snake Williams. How? Think about it. This is the easy one? Well, maybe it's not easy. A few, man. All right, let me read it again. Slowly, if a man did his pants up 30 times quickly, rapidly, rapid,

and here's a big clue. He would create enough friction to discover my name. Oh, my God. Heat. Ooh. Oh. Harm. Human, the human torch?

Chickens. Johnny Blaze. Oh, he's around it. What could friction create? A heat. Fire ant. Oh. Fire ants?

Oh. Fire pants. If a man did up his pants. What? Fire ants pants. Quickly. Fast pants, quans. Fire, fast, fire.

You guys are all around it. That's up Barbie. Fire pants and rattlesnake in your pants. Battlesnatch. Arrow Smith. Battlesnatch. I like Battlesnatch. Fire, fire pants.

If he did his pants up 30 times quickly. Pull up, pull up, fan. I didn't say pull up the pants. No, I'm guessing. Did up the pants. Button. Button. Button.

Button pants, button, button. Button up your ass. Putting up your half-cheek? Oh, what did you just say? Zipper. Oh. Viper? You're all over it.

Butter, viper? You're all over? What did you just say? Don't tell them, Roger. Roger's got this one, don't you? Fire, viper. Oh. Fire ants, viper, scorpion.

I'm going to give you a fire, okay? You got the first part. Fire, fire bird. Fire. You were on it before. Fire ants. Fire ants. Fire ants

Pants. You're doing up your pants. Right. Up and down quickly. You keep giving the same fucking clue, man. You got to get more. Fire repetition. God damn it. You stepped on one of the words that was a hot clue.

Fire and zipper. Oh. Zipper. Oh. Fire zipper. Zipper. Vipper. Fire button.

Fire fly. Fire. Oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. Fire. Fire. Oh, wow.

Everybody here knew, but you two, you drunks. Well, that's, to be fair, I am four or five beers in. I can't speak for Justin. Justin's cranked up on meth. Come on. Feel good. Fire fly. You were saying zipper.

You were saying buttons. Everything but fly. That's your easy one? That was supposed to be the easy one. This is going to be long. This is going to be tough. Look, you guys are players. I'm not going to make it easy.

All right. Here we go. Number two. Justin, Roger, keep score. Write it down on your little board. One for Justin. One for Brian. I didn't get one.

No, I mean, not one for Brian. Here we go. This is Animal Quiz number two. My name is part crucial piece from a mind-challenging game played by two people, and I'm also a really cool hot rod. My name is part crucial. piece from a mind-challenging game played by two people

and I'm a really cool hot rod. Suducco. Sue. I think of chess. Oh, oh. Cheetah, chess. I think of a hot rod is a Roger knows.

You know it already? Chester Chita. Chester Cheetah. Now listen to the show. My name is a, is part crucial piece. Oh. From a mind challenging game made by two.

Rook. Rook. Bishop. King. Oh. King Crab. King Crab. King Cobra.

Oh, you got it. Give him two. You keep setting them up, dude. I know, I keep giving him. King Cobra. Well, Justin is very phallic, so you say a snake, he's right there. Wow. Wow.

We still have three to go, dude. You got all the time in the world. I'm going to get all three of them. Okay. This one might be the easiest one. Okay. And I'm going to, you've, and go, I'm going to help you a little bit.

Okay. No, I'm... Don't. I won't help you. I don't want it. I don't want your fucking pity. This one might be the easiest or the hardest. I don't know.

Here we go. Question three. Considering I come from a bullet, it's hard to believe I'm one of the slowest creatures alive. Tortoise, turtle, bug. Oh! What?

Slug! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All right. We got it. since you've got three out of five, there's no way you can win.

Unless Justin's willing to say he'd let you win if you got the next one. I don't want that. I don't want his pity. I do want to still get the last two, but I feel like we should play for somebody in the audience. I feel like somebody should win something. That's a good idea. Let's play for balls. All right.

Let's play for Mr. Awesome. Here's what balls wins. If you get, I'm balls wins, and he's got to go out and get it. himself. Of course. A brand new aircraft carrier. Nice. Okay. I'm in. And he has to go get it with his own money, but that's what we're giving him, we're giving him the idea to go do it.

That's a prize worth, up with the $200. Golly Blue Look on that. There's longer than a football field. He can park on it. Big. Okay, here we go. Brian, this is for, uh, what do you call it? For pride. For pride. For second place. Yeah. All right, here we go. Number four,

The Harland Highway Animal Quiz. This one's pretty heavy. Now, am I in on this or am I at all? No, you're in. You're in. I don't want to go solo. Here we go. The first part of my name is the mandatory part of having a baby.

Sorry, let me read that again. What? The first part of my name is the mandatory part of having a baby. You must blank for a baby. The second part is what Canadians say, and the third is what goes. say. Try sorry, boo. Oh, someone back there knows it. You're all around it. I'm all around

it already. Wow. Troglidite. Try, try teradactyl. Triceratops. Triceratops, don't get it right. No, it's not. It's a, it's a mammal. Okay, give it to us again. The first part of my name is the mandatory part of having a baby. You must blank for a baby. The second part is what Canadians say. and the third part is what ghosts say.

Fuckle boo. Cairaboo. Bingo! Cair has got no, I've got two children. You got a care for a baby? No, I've got two children. Care has got nothing to do with babies. Justin's on fire, dude.

You've got one question left, and you better get this one. A lot of pressure. I'm going to be really upset. A lot of pressure. Wow. Here it is. This is the last question in the Harlan Highway. Justin is, he's deuceing you.

you, dude. Care A-boo? Care-A-boo? Caraboo. What's up, eh? That's cheap. Take off, eh? Care-A-boo.

Yeah. If you pronounce it correctly, welcome to America, Harlan. Oh, wow. Welcome to New Orleans. Welcome to the Confederacy. All right, here we go. Last one, okay?

And this one, this is going to give you a chance to figure this one out because there's some clues in here that are actually you can define them as positive. As you go. Yeah. I'm part 15th letter in the alphabet. Oh, Jesus. And I'm part of what comes off the sea on a windy day. What?

I'm part 15th letter in the alphabet, and I'm part of what comes off the sea on a windy day. Ocelot. Why do you keep helping him? Ostridge. Ossprey. Ospray, O'Sprey. O'Spray. O'Spray.

O'Spray. O'Spray. You got it. Brian. Come on, buddy. All right. He saved face. Save a little face with that.

Wow, guys. Good job. Well, we are, I can't believe it. We're almost at the end of the 400. How much time we got left, Roger? About six, five, six minutes. Right. Well, Justin, how does it feel, man?

You won. Congratulations, Justin. Feel good, but I really put that down on my resume. It's good at Excel. I've got people skills. I'm used to working with phones. I show up to work with clothes on, and I'm fantastic at the Harlan.

highway nature quiz. Welcome. It's Chuck E. You are great. Well, Justin, we are, unfortunately, we have to go, but before we go, will you please tell the folks where they can see you, you can plug your late. I know you've been doing some great stuff on VH1 lately, and just tell the folks what you've been up to and where they can catch you doing your shows and yada, yada, yada. Find me online. It's funnyjustin.com. That's also my Twitter handle, Twitter.com, slash funny, Justin. I've got a great new wrestling podcast out. If you guys are fans of old classic wrestling, like AWA, NWA, I do a podcast called The Roughhouse

Podcast.com. When you get done with the Harlan Highway, head over to the roughhouse podcast.com to give a listen to that. Awesome. And I'll be doing stuff with VH1 throughout the year, 100 Greatest Women in Rock, 100 Greatest Rap stars, 100 Greatest Badly Burnt Midgets, all kinds of the great stuff. Are there 100 greatest Betty Brinket? You didn't hear about the Wizard of Ozfire? No, I'm out of touch. Oh, great boonpa blaze of 97.

Oh, yeah. Well, putting those two together, you easily get 100 greatest. Did you say pudding? Pudding. Pudding. Oh, Midgett, pudding. Pudgeon. Oh, sweet.

Go away boner. Well, Justin, thank you so much, buddy. You've been an amazing guest on the Harlan Highway. We're glad you could be here for the 400th one. And just so you know, folks, Justin will be coming up in about a week, a week and a half of a brand new episode of me and him going head-to-head on the highway. So, Justin, thank you, buddy. We love you, and thanks for being here, man. Justin A. and Daniels.

Thank you so much, bud. I appreciate it. Great again to talk to you, Brian. Thank you, Harlan. 400 episodes. Here's the maybe three or four more before they should have. There we go. Folks, check Justin out at the comedy clubs. Go to his websites, his Facebook page, Twitter, all that stuff. And thanks, buddy. Duck it.

All right. See you, man. Later. Wow, that was awesome. It was great. He's a funny, dude. He's a funny, funny as hell. Is he a stand-up mostly?

Oh, yeah. He's an incredible stand-up. He's a guy that's working around the clubs. He does a lot of headlining. He does some middling stuff. and he's just different, he's funny, he's quick, and... Canadian guy? No, he's from the D.C. area, from Baltimore.

Oh, he lives there. Yeah, and he's an up-and-coming, great stand-up comedian. You've got to check out. Funny dude. And then before we go, Brian, why don't we tell the folks what you're up to? I know you're doing Groundlings work. You got your movie, TV stuff. What do you got?

In Los Angeles, every Wednesday at the Groundlings, I do that long-form thing, which you have played, and you're very funny at the Crazy Uncle Joe show. Very fun. Then, in, like, June 28th, I'm doing a Tonight Show bit. I'll be on a tonight show. And then the thing in October, Girl versus Monster. The movie.

Yeah, the movie. Yeah. And the ground, tell them where the Groundlings Theater is. The Groundlings is in Los Angeles on Melrose Avenue. And we've been the same theater for like 30 years. You know, it's the home of Will Ferrell and Kristen Wigg and Maya Rudolph and Chris Parnell. And, you know, all these, all these really, really good comedy people came on. out of there. And just so you know, when Brian does his show there on Wednesdays, a lot of

amazing other comedians and improv actors jump up with you. I've done it with Maya Rudolph. Yeah, you've played Jason Sadecas, Kristen Wigg, who is a grounding. She'll come back and play in the summer because she's off, I think she's gone from Estenol now, but she'll come play. And you know who else is there, Flo, who does the progressive commercials. Stephanie Courtney, she's a regular. She plays everything. She's hilarious. Like people just know her as flow from the progressive commercials. Yeah, but that's the least of it. She's so funny. She's hilarious.

We play with Eddie Azard and Michael Sheen and a bunch of big people, so it's a blast. So check it out. Brian will be there on every other Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Every Wednesday he's there. And buddy, thank you so much for being part of the highway. The 400.

Love it. So there he goes. And let me give thanks again once more to, first of all, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, who set this thing up. I had already recorded Episode 400, and he set this whole thing up, and it was with these wonderful

folks at Toadhopnetwork.com. We're using their facility. We're webcasting. We're going out all over the place. And also, Frank, the manager of the John Lovitz Comedy Club, where we're located right now. I want to thank all you guys. And most of all, I want to thank you, my listeners, the Harland Highway pavement pounders, for listening, for staying with me, and also to all the characters on

the show. That's it, folks. Frank Kramer, yeah, I said Frank, but I didn't, oh, oh, yes, Frank Kramer, who is the host and the creator of the Toad Network here. Unbelievable. Frank Kramer from the Heidi and Frank show, which you podcast, which you can listen to here. Unbelievable. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, guys. We had a blast. And until next time, I say it every show, chicken.

Chow maim, baby. Wow. So there it is, folks. Hope you enjoyed 400B, obviously a lot, not a lot, but a little different than what I normally do. And we're going to maybe try and do a little special show in this format, you know, maybe once a month or something like that as a special treat. I'll keep you posted. And next time we'll give you a lot more time as opposed to like a two-day window. we'll give you way more time so you know when it's coming and uh you can check it out on the webcast

so that's it 400 b thanks a lot folks let's uh see if we can give 400 more under our belt and uh i guess for the first time ever a double chicken chau me maybe Thank you.