The Harland Highway - 402: SPECIALL GUEST Justin Ian Daniels

Episode Date: June 4, 2012

My hilarious comedian/actor buddy, Justin Ian Daniels hogs the show today. Insights, mysteries and of course the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. Put pork on your splork!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Comes the tide. No, not comes the tide. Comes a special guest on the Harlan Highway. Oh, my God. One of the faves here, funniest in faves, a FF, funny fave. My guest today is none other than Justin Ian Daniels, comedian, actor, radio personality web episode guy just

what doesn't this cat do he's going to be here we're going to be talking about all kinds of things and of course as always we will be doing the Harland Highway animal quiz towards the end of the show lots of fun why don't you join us and play along it's Justin Ian Daniels

right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on Earth. And I say the greatest show on Earth today. I don't say that for every podcast, but I have to say it today because our greatest number oneist guestiest is here. He's been here more than any other guest. He's our funniest guest. And we love him here.

I think you know where I'm going with this. A comedian, actor, writer, Madman. It's Justin Ian Daniel. You, brother. Oh, how are you, guy? Not the funniest. Your Keckner episode? Oh, Kekner was one of the funniest podcasts I've ever heard.

Oh, David Kekner is one of the funniest guys I've ever met my life. I'm going to talk about a master of the soliloquy of the monologue. That man spins a verbal yarn. It's incredible. He's fantastic. I love that guy. I want a plush toy of David Kekner. I want a full-body pillow of David Kekner.

I want to make you a silicone love doll, full-size. with a real human hair of David Kekner. I want a panko bread, a slice of salmon with his dander. And serve it to you on Valentine's Day. It's pants off, dance off, Kekner style. Wait, why do I get it? I thought this was about you having it. It's because you're a friend, and I like to take care of those first,

with a David Kekner dandruff panko-crusted salmon chunk that I serve to you with my meat and two veggie. Look at my D. Wow. Is there something different? Are you wearing like Cologne or something? You're all like, you've got a vibrance to you tonight. Thank you for noticing. What is that? Take a little whiff on that. What do you think it is? Take a good sniff. Does that like Pepperage Farm gravy? Very close. What is that? Very close. Is that Oju? It's not Oju, but you're right around the corner. Oh, is it an old Jew? It's old Jew stench. That's right. Herschel Steinbaum, my neighbor and I are tussled right near the

pool the other day. He tried to make for one of my breadsticks that I brought back from the olive garden, like from the old country. All you can eat, 795. And this little son of a bee from the tribe decides to tangle with me over my breadstick. Oh, we roll around. And I get all that delicious Hebrew body gravy on me. Oh, the musk. The stench of a sweet Israeli skin fill all over me right now. Wow. It's actually a one steak sauce. We'll see what, what, oh, it is. Okay, because I was referring to old Jew there's a cologne out called old Jew that's what I did my French dips in

oh got you okay okay well welcome buddy good to have you here thank you for having me dude we love having you here I love being here can you believe you've been here more than any other guest no I really think you need to step it up in 2012 no I don't want to my low rent no no no no I love having

Justin Ian Daniels here and as far as I'm concerned the minute someone creeps up on your record i immediately bring you back because you have to have the record who's got the silver who's second closest oh who's next um tom green maybe maybe uh who else who else who else from bob the butler and the tom green uh my brian uh brian uh palermo from from groundlings he's hilarious is a good guy i think he might be second and tom might be third well i know who i'm going to have to drag a blade across the throat of. There can only be one.

This is Highlander style, baby. One of us were the most. One of us. You hear me, Palermo? Oh, wow. Come and find me. 7654, Chestnut Court, Glendale, California, Apartment C. That's not where I live.

But you freak someone out when you show up, look in the scrap. Chestnut Court? Chestnut Grove. Chestnut Grove. Next to Harskavarty Lane. Oh, God. There he goes. He never does a pot.

That's like his trademark. I remember the old Hitchcock films, like Hitchcock's trademark was he would walk through every movie he did. There's Hitchcock made a little cameo in every movie he did. Like Stephen King did also, yeah. Yeah. And your little insert in every podcast you do, you mention Hars Gavarnie cheese. Which is actually pronounced Havardi, but you have some sort of black dot on your brain that prevents you from fucking saying it. I can't say it.

Havarty. A cheese that you still are convinced doesn't exist. I don't think it does. I'm going to bring you over a block of Harskavardi and rub your spine flesh with it. Just grind a deep, smooth, creamy white cheddar up and down that back fat. What on me? Maybe.

What if I get back knee? Well, maybe I'll pop those little Havardi nuggets on to a Triskin. I'll head down to the local soup kitchen and say, hey, hobo hairy, dig in. Here's a taste of the good skin. So you're talking about popping Havarski backzit. onto a trisket, going out of your way to find a homeless guy and serving it to them? Yeah. You not know that I don't volunteer, my friend?

You know what I do while you're asleep in the rest of this country? I make my way to Skid Row. I find our less fortunate friends. And while they slumber in an alley behind a recycling dumpster, I cover their teeth in crest white strips. I do that. So they wake up with the whitest, freshest fangs. Something good's got to happen to them.

Do you trim their beards or their toenails? or anything? What I like to do is occasionally tranquilize them with a little ketamine, that's horse tranquilizer. And I place them somewhere they never expect to wake up, like at the matri-D station at a nice restaurant. They wake up like, wait a minute, was that hobo thing, just a dream?

Was it just a dream? Do I have a nice job? And then someone tases them, kicks him back out on the street, and they realize they'd just been roofied by a dickhead. Wow, you're a humanitarian. You ever get breast milk while they're out? Oh, the last time I breastfed was from my dad. We were in the Yukon.

And, boy, we had gotten off the path. The supplies had gotten low, and I just suckled up to my dad's thick, meaty teat. What came out of it? A1 steak sauce. God, which is why I smell the way I do. You said A1 steak sauce earlier that that's what you were wearing as a cologne. That's why I smell the way I does.

You're on an A1 kick tonight. That's replacing the Havardi. You ever, like, let's say you score a field goal or you hit a home run or something, and you go, you ever say, A1 Bubba? Not once. Okay, you will. Where's that from? I don't know.

Let's get on to it. We've been dilly-delling. We've got questions to deal with as always. We have to ask you things to get important information out of you. Dig into my brain meat. And you always see, no matter what I ask you, you always seem to have something. I've lived a storied life. It's amazing.

So my first question is, have you ever scared the living crap out of someone? And if so, how did you do it? Like, what was the scenario? Where were you? It's like when you watch, you know, television bloopers. You see the dad sneaks into the kid's bedroom with a clown mask on and terrifies his own child. I'm guessing you have to have scared the crap out of someone. I have scared the crap out of someone.

How? I recall a situation. I was at Benjamin Stoddard High School, Waldorf, Maryland. I do want to believe the year was 1996. Brie Robinson, if you're out there, girlfriend, hit me up on the face. book she was my girlfriend at the time pre robinson pre robinson and which is also for the record a guy's name too and a cheese okay so what happened so we were we were both in theater and we helped set up uh ropes and cables and stuff well as two young lovers are want to do we

snuck around onto the catwalk lighting rig area where you would be above the stage yeah yeah and help lower booms and curtains and lights and stuff like that. And while we're up above this catwalk, by the way, they're pretty high, right? They're like 40 feet high. I'd say, yeah, 25, 30 feet above the ground. In the midst of high school coitus, a janitor is below us. And we all of a sudden have to get crazy quiet, like really quiet.

But he's down there. He's like squeegeing the stage. He has no idea if he looks straight up. he's just going to see just everything you were making love to this girl up in the rafter making love is really stretching as far as what i was doing to this fresh young phil how would you term term it was more like just viking breeding just a real guttral just turn around hump just bad not a lot of romance to be found so he's down there i've noticed him and right as i'm about to say hey we have to keep it down we swing the the thing just enough to where it can be lowered, you can lower this, this big boomer standing on. I guess our momentum made this thing drop down like a foot, like, kajonk! And this dude looks up, he freaks out and he sees two pantsless teenagers like, hey, we're doing it. And you see him like step out of the way, like he's going to get a little glob or ranch on him or something

like that. Poor little fellow scurries off. Yeah, A1, bold and spicy. Just scared the jangles out of this poor fella. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I softened up real quick. She wasn't interested anymore. So he just jumped. Oh, it was like... Oh, freak, yeah. I mean, this whole massive rig, I mean, us swaying it made

it kind of pop off its moorings and catch on the next hook down. It could have come crashing to the ground and all three of us died. And I'm guessing this was like a big theater, right? Yeah, it's like your average high school theater. Right. So whenever you're in a theater, they're kind of a little spooky to

begin with because they're big and It's vacuous outside of the running lights on the stage. Right. And the acoustics are always kind of twice as loud. Booming. So here he is in this empty kind of creepy scathing or sweeping or whatever. And then boom. Yeah, just bang.

He was down there sweeping because we were supposed to be there getting ready. I think it was like a talent show or something we were doing. You know what it was? It was like a cheerleader, extravaganza type pep rally thing. We were supposed to be setting up curtains. That's why he was getting the stage. ready but what did he he was the only one in there outside of you two outside of us two being up there did he say anything oh no he just just um he screams screams because he thought the rig was

going to come down and just final destination his ass just splatter him but he doesn't realize it's because of these two you know horned up little sex meatballs are up there smack it against each other's delegates but he didn't have any commentary on the fact that you know janitors are kind of the custodians of the school. They kind of feel like this is my real estate. Don't be throwing no cigarette butts. He wasn't offended that you were up there having, making goofy.

No, he ran off. Oh, really? He just takes off the side of the stage. Wow. I pull our knickers back up and scurry off the other side and just special ops out of their knickers. So you were wearing like old British like trousers? She was British. She was a little girl

by the name of Clarice Worthington. I better pull my knickers up it looks like the janitor's spot at us hey listen here baby we've got to stop smacking my oyster up against your king crab it doesn't really matter if we leave a spot on the floor it looks like the janitors down there to clean it up doesn't matter i'm going to evacuate my bulls upon the floor so his gentleman can squeege me it up wow yeah and we scurried out of there but there's the terror of i put my guy in this i put myself in this guy's shoes he thinks of you know a one-ton rig is about the fall on it wow but did you ever do the one

where you pop out of a closet or you hide under a bed oh yeah a thousand times i still do that to this day like is there one where you really just freaked a guy out and he like punched you or something um i did one where and this boy this is just dirty i did this i had a thing i like to do in middle school high school i do it to this day and if i do it to you it'll just cease our friendship in a heartbeat. I like to call Who ordered the fruit basket? That's the whole thing I call the fruit basket. Yeah.

You get a little bit of scotch bourbon in me, Bankers Club, smooth single malt. I like to withdraw my testicles and place them on someone's shoulder as they're sitting down and just gently lean and go, hey, do you get the fruit basket? And then they look over and there's just a nasty vinegory set of yams on their shoulder.

And usually they'll just, and they'll freak out. Oh, my God. And all that. But I remember. How was that not your lead story? You know what? I'm not trying to come right out the gate with the R stuff.

Oh, that's the lead story. If there's a way that I can edit this in reverse, I mean that the guys up in the theater was good, but now you're telling me you've created a thing called the fruit basket? You ramp it up. It's the fruit basket. You just put your balls just gently. You plop your plums on someone's shoulder. You just drop the walnuts right on someone's shoulder.

Just give them a real good drape, all right? And then just lean in, hey, did you get the fruit basket? and they look over, balls, they freak out, and they run. There was one dude in particular, a friend of mine named Greg Echler from Waldorf, and just as cool as a cucumber as I go to lean in and say, hey, you order the fruit basket, he turns, no reaction, shoulders smacks them. And I, like, just like a little gnat had landed on you,

like a horsefly landed on you, wanted that bad boy off. I went down like I had been shot in the esophagus with a pelagun. All right? just couldn't handle the amount of pain. I love it. Prayed for the sweet release of death. I don't even think he broke the conversation that he was in. I think it was something like...

The slap. Like, yeah, you know, work's been going pretty good. We got a new... Hold on. Yeah, so anyway, yeah, that's Justin's screaming. It would look like you ever see those nature shows and they go deep inside like a termite nest or an ant nest, and they always find the queen.

Oh, the big undulating blob of biomass. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I would think was on my shoulder. If I turned and saw your peachy white albino meatballs, I would think it was like the queen from the hive of like some carpenter ants. And I'd just slap it immediately and then spray your nuts with off or raid. I'd spray raid on your sack. And I have a very particularly odd ball.

You know, I have one large. Yeah, one of your balls is like a rotten mango or something. Yeah, one, you got like a chickpea and an avocado side by side, both albino, just white. Vane and grotesque. And, yeah, so you see this misshapen hunchback twins, DeVito Schwarzenegger looking set of yams on your shoulder. You're going to freak out, all right? You're going to flip. And, yeah, so that's what I used to do.

Not a real pop-out guy. I place my balls on you. Well, in keeping with, you know, using the balls as decoration, I'll share a quick story. I don't usually talk about mine, but I was in a situation where I knew I was going to be getting some. on a certain night. Good man. I knew there was going to be, you know, it was one of those guarantees.

Pretty much a sure thing. Felicio was going to happen. Good man. And I was feeling a little goofy and so like a couple hours before we went out, you know, before it happened, before we went out for dinner,

I got a Sharpie and drew a happy face on my little buddies, right? And the look on who face. You know, it's a few layers. You take the belt off. You undo the fly. You pull the pants open. You're kissing a little bit. You're kissing and then you're down there. You pull the underpants down. And just the look on her face. She was like, oh, har. Jolly balls. That's what she called them jolly balls. Because there was a big happy face on them. And I have to ask, much akin to getting a tattoo when you're young and it getting real droopy and bad. when you're your 70s. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes?

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That's not a smooth surface on which to do art. Did you like, did you draw them taught and then draw the smile? face or did you just did you just like they advertise Sharpie can draw on anything

and I just I should be their new pitch person Harland Williams and Jolly Balls for Sharpie Hi, I'm Harlan Williams Ball and I wouldn't be in existence if it wasn't for the Sharpe Corporation blame I'm Jolly Balls

Hi, I'm Harlan Williams This ball sack, ladies and genuine, and I just want to be taken seriously. Hi, this is jolly balls for Sharpie. Wow. Well, good. I think two scary stories right there. I probably scared the hell out of that girl, and you scared the hell out of... Everybody listening to the sound of your balls come to life with a big grin.

I love the fruit basket, man. Now, since you were talking about, you know, going out of... with this girl in the rafters. Maybe you have the answer. Do you believe that girls can have multiple orgasms? Is this a real thing? Do I cause them? No.

Do I believe they could happen? Yes. Oh, well, you don't cause them? No, not really my thing. Not really a giving lover. I'm not really wanting to head down there and really take care of the bean tickle or circus peanut as it were. Yeah, real selfish lover, ladies.

If you're ever trying to buck up on the J.I.D., that's the Justinian Daniels. So good chance you're not going to get a nut. Even if you knew she was prone to multiple orgasms, you would just stop at one? Yeah, you know, you get one, I get one. Wow, okay. You go one to one to one. I believe in inequality of the sexes. I get one good, thick roll of the credits, so do you.

But the bigger point is you believe that it exists, the multiple or. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, how, though? If you've never followed through with it. Watch you a lot of pornography, and as it's known, they never fake it in them. okay it's like wrestling it's real that's okay that's open you've left the door open but have you ever discussed it with a girl yeah i've discussed to what girls before and what's the consensus yeah i've met some no you know what i've met i've met both each end of the spectrum i've met a girl

way long ago a friend of mine jen from from maryland where i'm from um from walder for i grew up she couldn't have an orgasm it was impossible for it she says guys would be down that you could aim a fire hose filled with ranch dressing at her jumblies give it a real good solid stream right on the candy corner hers or the clit all right yeah gonna happen then i've talked to some other girls uh that you know i didn't have any dealings with but they said a guy could go down there and just whisper to her vage and it's just gushing oh it's i think it's really like the clit whisperer yeah just the gentle clit whisper on a and e this fall you do it you should Wow.

I just, this just popped in my, we got to do a conversation as you be Jolly Balls and I'll be Fruit Basket. Thank you, I, I'm Fruit Basket. How are you? What did you do today? That's kind of hung around. Awesome. Just a quick conversation. Thank you. Now, you mentioned you were selfish just now in terms of you're not going to give a girl a multiple orgasm.

No, if she gets one, if she gets one, congratulations. I am not good in bed. So that selfishness leads me to the next question. Obviously, the only question, if you were on the Titanic, would you have tried to get into one of the lifeboats being a male? Oh, yeah, 100% survival of fittest. I'm throwing kinder kids, elderly, the ladies,

I'm sorry, suck iceberg, Griffin. I'm hopping into this thing. Hey there, Esther, get your 80-year-old bad, hip-ass out of there. You don't have a lot of life left. I've got a whole life to live. Good point. Whole life to live. Yeah.

I'll tell your story. Get off the damn shit. Whoa. Would you just, like, muscle your way in? Oh, I'd start suplexing people. Oh, I mean, just chucking kids overboard. Wow. Massacre.

Others shall perish so that you may live. Big time. In that moment, I would love to say that I would be. the no madam please you and your children first no drop kick right to timmy's face i smash someone's fever uh femur i'm throwing stone cold stunners on people i'm getting on that boat i'm getting back to the mainland and in the spirit of um you know creating a bit of levity during the calamity would you put a fruit basket on anybody i'd say i'd get behind the person who is next on there place my icy cold balls because we're right up on that bird yeah i think

say, hey, don't freak out your fruit basket. They turn around, freak out. I push them over the edge. Perfect. I get on the thing. I'm like, I'm sorry they had a freak out. Do you want someone that's going to freak out like that on your getaway boat? I don't think so.

I'm level-headed. I'm level-headed. Beautiful. What a plan. Excellent. Excellent. I'm glad we got that on the table. Yeah, bud.

Here's a quickie. I always give you a quickie in the middle of our conversations. Do duck farts sound the same? as their quack. Oh, so a duck fart sounds like a human fart. Oh, that's a duck fart? So it's a mixture. Like that?

It's basically going to get an idea what it sounds like. Just take a water balloon. Yeah. Fill it with warm conditioner and throw it at your sister's fucking face. That is the correct answer. Now, someone told me that you slept with Lady Princess Diana before her untimely death. True or false? I cannot confirm nor deny.

No, were you with the Princess of Wales, Lady Diana? Have you ever... It's a game of telephone that got around and it turned into I banged Diana. That's not the truth. Okay. I got a real slow, dry handy from the Duchess. The redhead? The redheaded bro, the ginger fella, the ginger gal, okay?

The ginger. Pippie long socks. Yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah. She gave me a real nice Cincinnati jackdown out back of the TGI Friday's, an old London town. Oh. Yeah. And it stinks because Daddy didn't even get to finish because she gets the text right in the middle of it.

Hey, your relative just smacked into the side of the tunnel. Awkward. Don't worry. I'll pay for the boneless wings. Yeah. It was, uh, yeah, it was odd. But it just, you know, a friend tells a friend tells a friend tells a friend. And the next thing you know, I'm Balls Deep and Charles.

Not the case. Oh. It was the Duchess. Wow. Yeah. Oh, Ginger Jill. Ginger. What the hell was that woman's name?

Never even asked her. Sarah Ferguson. That's the one. Sarah Ferguson. Met her off of Craigslist. Or as they called in England, Nigel's list. Oh, bloody Nigel. I'm looking to have a casual encounter with royalty to touch my C and B's.

That stands the cocking boos. That's naughty, isn't it? That's bloody naughty. It feels good when you take your English digits and wrap it around my Yankee pig sticker. All right. All right. All right. Can I offer you a fruit basket, my lady? Oh, let me turn around and see what that mystery substance is on my shoulder. Oh, look at that. Excuse me, Princess. Would you like some jolly balls?

Look at your jolly balls on my shoulder. How deliciously vinegory are they? They smell awful, but the smile heartwarming. It's glorious. Fergie, that was her name. Fergie, yeah. Sarah Ferguson. Fergie.

And not the black-eyed peas, Fergie. No, not the girl with the Tom's carrot face. Let's not confuse like a supermodel with, you know, carrot top sister. You think she's hot? Fergie from the black-eyed peas? Fergie. She looks like Bert Reynolds. She can be hot.

I mean, there was a time when they first hit where she had those abs, dude. Remember, she used to wear that midriff and she had those wicked abs. I think she's still body hot. I could have sex with her if I could decapitate her just prior to entrance. Oh, okay. I mean, just circular saw her head off. I mean, you could eat soup out of that divot in her chin. She looks like Magnum P.R.

Wow. What if she slapped like a fake mustache on her? Would that help? Oh, yeah. We do it in the red corvette while the assistant came up. Was it a corvette or a Lamborghini? Either way, it was a red sports car. Or a Ferrari.

As long as she's got a Hawaiian shirt on it and a baseball cap and a chummy black friend. I'm going to smang that. That's smash and bang it. I'm going to smang it. Hawaiian punch, baby. Moving to older people, would you sponge bath a tub full of old people for $62? I got to ask. I'd tell you what, I'd do it for a smooth 50 spot

if you let me keep the water for broth afterwards. Have some elder chowder, my friends. Oh, God. Potatoes, celery, corn, tri-tipped beef, and the taste of the old world as a man's freshly decrusted soap, sunny ass flavors your dinner. Please, dunk some ass-crack loaf in it. Dunk some butt bread in the elder chowder.

Oh, some ass-crack. chowder i'll ask you name me a celebrity yeah who you drink the bathwater of julia roberts oh that's a good pool yeah for me Michelle fifer

yeah she's getting older but yeah she'll be hot when she's 80 yeah fifers fifers cool because you got to pick a girl that's you know not only is she sexy and beautiful but she's got to kind of resonate as clean like a charlie's theran comes across as nice and clean

Charlize Theron lately in the last few years I've seen her in a few interviews she comes off as a little snooty so I don't know I don't know I think wholesome I think wholesome would help me drink that water yeah like Cameron Diaz is hot but she's

a little bit skanky because she's dated so many celebrities oh she's got a little funk in the south I just don't know if she's a little bit skanky are you know Franklin for example oh god no no could you imagine how black in those rolls.

The water would turn if you put Lindsay Lohen beneath the surface. Oh, yeah. That's what I mean. Lindsay Lohen, just like she's so trashy that you couldn't drink that water. Just the things that would break loose and float around in the brine. Yeah. Insects and shit. Yeah.

Just whole corn chips. Maybe Annie McDowell. Remember the girl from. I know Annie McDowell. From Groundhog Day. That's going back a bit. Who else? Bo Derek.

from back in the day? No, not Bo Derek? No, she's too old. Like, she's an old lady now. Okay, I'm saying people right now. People right now. I'd still say Julia Roberts. Who else?

Helen a bottom Carter, I could. Oh, yes. Hell and a bottom Carter is. Chop some celery into that water. Oh, put a little cumin right around. Oh, right around the jumbly hole. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.

We need to hook up with a powerful Holly wood agent and start bottling the bath water of the stars. Just mason jars of Michelle Pfeiffer, Andy McDowell, Julia Roberts. Give yourself a dip, drag it across the old upper lip, give yourself a good sniff. Yeah.

Get Campbell's in on it. Oh, yeah. Oh, that'd be nice. How do you handle a hungry man, the man handlers? No, I don't know. Nope, okay. Well, on that note, on that thirst quenching note, do you know what time it is, buddy?

Oh, tell me it's time for it. It is time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz, which we do with all our guests here. Justin is one of our top players. And how it works, ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't heard it before, basically our contestant or in this case our guest slash contestant has to guess the name of an animal, a real existing animal, be it bird, mammal, fish, insect, whatever, from the animal kingdom. and they get a little sentence with some clues, and within those clues, they should be able to figure out the name of the creature or maybe not.

So Justin has been really, I'd say if we put all your animal quizzes together, you're probably floating it around 85, 90%. Yeah, I'd say I'd probably about 80%. And we BSed a few days ago, you said you got a rough one this time. Yeah, well, you're so good at it. I feel like I might have a couple of toughies this time for you.

Any theme, mammal, reptile, or all around? No, we've got birds, we've got mammals, we've got insects, I'm covering the gamut. All right, hit it. Are you ready? Let's go. You're ready? All right. Here we go.

It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. This first critter. here is the clue for the animal quiz here we go if it's not a lot then it's just a dot dot dot and if I was an exotic dancer

I would dance on here holy Christ if it was not a lot then it's just a blank and if I was an exotic dancer I would dance on here well exotic dance Dancers dance on a stage.

They dance on a pole. If you're not a lot, you're just enough, or are you a little? You're around it. Good Lord. Man, that's a big. You're coming out of the gates. Yeah. These ones are tougher.

You're smacking me in the ribs with this. Okay, if you're not a lot, you're just dot, dot, dot. Yeah. All right. Just enough. I'm thinking, just enough. Stripper, exotic dancer, exotic dancer, strip club, stage, pole. Oh, oh, what was that?

Oh, boy, let me think here. There we go, you're... Polar bear? Pull, but that doesn't have anything to do with the first one. Pull, but not enough. Not a lot. Not your sum. You're just a...

Some pole, pull, pull, pull a little, little pole, pole, boy. If it's not enough, then it's just a... Not enough. give me the first part again read that sentence fully if it's not a lot then it's just a blank and if I was an exotic dancer

I would dance on here God bless I would dance on stage but anybody could dance on a stage an exotic dancer dances at a strip club dances in a pole there you go

okay I'm going to give you that you've got the you've got the pole you got the second half I mean there's a pole pole cat I mean, no, there's a Oh, enough pole, some pole Pull, tad pole

Boom! Hey, there he goes. He got it. If it's not a lot, then it's just a tad. Just a tad, tad pole. And if I was an exotic dancer, I would dance on here. It is a pole. It took a while.

Yeah, God, that's a strong. That's a good question. Good for you. Good for you. This one may be the easiest of the crop. Okay. And it's going to get harder again. Here we go.

The second Harland Highway Animal Quiz question. I am a beautiful hoofed animal, but in the 70s, they named a car after me that was super ugly. I mean, there's the Pintel. Bingo. There you go. You got it right away. Less than 20 seconds. I was like, well, gremlins aren't real.

So I'll go with a Pintel. And they don't have. hoofs. They don't. All right, that was probably the easy of the button. This is a long one. This new one is, the next one is a long one, okay? Give it to me. So hang in there, folks. A lot of clues.

Probably more clues in this one than any other one you've ever had. Okay. I am a poisonous character that has many segments to my name. I'm the sticky stuff on the roof or the road. I'm not uncle, but I could be your blank.

I'm double the amount of one. and the last part of my name can be found in the Dore Me song. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. This one's a monster. I'm thinking, okay, so you're a poisonous,

multi-segmented, I think, centipede. All right. Do-Rop. Do-Rae-Mee-Foss. Now, wait a minute. I'm a poisonous care of those many segments to my name. Oh, many segments to your name. Right, right, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm the sticky stuff on the roof. for the road. I'm not your uncle, but I could be your blank. I'm double the amount of one. And the last part of my name can be found in the Doree Me song. In the last part of the Doree, me,

song. The last part of my name can be found in the Doree Me song. And the Doreme Doremi Faso la T. Do. And I think the roof, I think, of tar oh okay i'm gonna i'm gonna check them off if you get them tar i'm giving you tar my aunt if i'm not an uncle i'm an aunt i'm giving you that okay so we've got a tall i got tar ant yeah um i'm double the amount of one which is two two two you're okay so we got two tar d'art ant uh

two tarred aunt um and the last part of my name can be found in the dore me song i think this animal i might have never heard of i should i have heard of this animal oh yeah you know it well Do I? Okay. You've already said most of the name. That's what's hilarious. All right. Two tar ant. To tartan.

Tard bark. God damn it. And it's poisonous. Yeah. It's poisonous, too. Okay. Let's review. You've got the stuff on the roof is the tar.

Tart. I'm not your uncle, so I'm your aunt. Double of one is. Tarant. Tarantula! Hey! Tarrantula! Yeah!

He got it. Man, that was a... While you gave me a ton of clues, you almost did me in with information overload. Yeah? Yeah, big time. Well, there's a lot of segments to that one.

Good work. Good work. Good work, buddy. By the way, quick side note, saw my first one living out here recently. Is that right where? Holy shit. I went walking in Griffith.

Griffith Park, and that thing was on the path, Daddy went back to the car. It was just on a thin path, man, I can't use spiders or snakes. The thing had hair, you could comb, man. You could comb the hair on this spider. Very bad. All right. Well, I'm glad you're still alive because you do have to answer the last Harland Highway Animal Quiz question. Here we go.

Are you ready? Yes. You're not exhausted from that last. That last one knocked me around a little bit. The first and the third one shook me a bit. First and the third one, I'm on the ropes. All right, here we go. Last question.

I am an aquatic bird who is part famous soccer player and part childhood game that involves kicking something in the street. Huh. There's kickball. Kick the can. Oh. Kick the can. Oh, I'm going to have to give you that.

Okay. Um, famous soccer players. I think of David Beckham. I think of Pele. Oh. Uh, I think of Alexei Lollas. Oh, I want to go with Pele. Oh.

Pelican. Hey! Oh, kid. Give them a hand, folks. Not easy. Not especially tarantula. Tarantula was great. Big get me too many clues.

You had my brain all scrambled. Big, big get there. Still probably the champion of the, you, you got a, you got a, all of them. Felt good. You got all four. Thank you for the palate cleanser. The second one, fun little guy with the Pinto.

Fun little fella. That was easy. That was a fun little throwaway. But the other three, I'm winded right now. Okay, good, good. Well, next time I'm going to have to go even harder because you're getting so good at this. I tell you what, you want to pick a category that I will s the bed on. Yeah.

Birds or fish. Oh, really? I got trouble with mammals I'm okay with, reptiles I'm okay with. dinosaurs I love. Don't even go to tootot. Well, the thing is, I try not to go too obscure because there's no fun if you pick something like the chloridi-eyed onion fish. I try to pick animals and creatures that you are common.

Scotch-walled eagle snake. Yeah, because if I mean, do you know how many billions of critters there are? I could go so obscure that even a, you know, a biologist couldn't get them. The ghost of Steve Irwin couldn't guess. Right. So what I try to do is find critters that. that people listening and the guests, they're familiar with them, they're there, and that way it makes it all the more fun to see them squirm and try and get it

because it's like, oh, my God, a pelican. Especially with tarantula. You heard me say in the midst of the question, I was like, this is going to be something I've never heard. Right. I ran into one of the damn things. There you go. Recently.

I mean, yeah, well crafted, buddy. Thank you, buddy. I'm telling you what, the clues within your questions, the way you use them like DaVinci you know. Oh, I deserve a fruit basket. Like the way your shoulders deserve what's to your right. What? Hey, Arlen, did you order the fruit basket?

Oh, mother effort! Sorry, man, I thought it was a termite queen. It really is wrinkly. Very grimy. And it was, what did you say that when they move? Undulating. It was undulating. Just an undulating biomass.

It was undulating on my shoulder. Yeah. Just a big. Big pile of sex chicken. Just some. By the way, that was going to be in the next animal quiz, the sex chicken. Sex chicken. So you just burned that one.

Sorry about that, bud. This is known for ending up on people's shoulders in Waldorf, Maryland. Sex chicken. Got it. Undelay, undelay, undelate. I undulate all day long inside of your box here. Jolly, is that you? Yay, Holland.

It's me. Jolly. Hi, Jolly Balls. Hey, I've spent all day with your butthole. Oh, well, we better go get you showered off. You have work to do. Ladies and gentlemen, before we go, Justin, tell the folks where they can catch you performing, where they can reach out to you, or they can watch videos and YouTube and Twitter you and all that great stuff. Plug yourself, my friend. Find me online.

funnyjustin.com. Find me on Twitter. It is Twitter.com slash funny Justin. I just did another round to some VH1 100 Greatest shows. I did 100 Greatest Child Stars and I just did two days ago 100 sexiest

musicians of all times. Spoiler alert, number one, not Keith Richards. Not Keith Richards. No, no, no. No, his jollies sound like That truly sounded like a baby seal on a beach full of seals No, the part.

Yeah, that part. There he is, ladies and gentlemen, baby seal, fruit stand guy. Who knows what he is? All we know is he's funny. We love having him here. Justin, thank you for coming by, buddy. Thank you, bud. that's it folks that's all we got thanks for being here on the harland highway with justine

and daniels check them out online and i'm sure he'll be back real soon and until next time chicken chowmaine baby say good night jolly Thank you.