The Harland Highway - 403 Sex with a dog, hot models, Comicon AZ

Episode Date: June 7, 2012

Sex with a dog?? Hot model dating, Harland visits the Comicon comic convention in Arizona, Maxi Pad confessions, terms of endearment. Ker-BLUUUNK!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello. Is there anybody out there? I don't think those are the words, but I tried. No, this is not Pink Floyd. This is Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Welcome, one and all. Great to have you here, man. Today we are getting into some crazy stuff. I paid a visit to Comic-Con. I went to my first Comic-Con convention, so I'm going to be chatting about that experience. What's up, dog? Anyone ever call you dog? I think we need to examine that. Is that derogatory? Is that a compliment to be called a dog? And speaking of dogs,

how many of you have had a dog on the bed while you're having sex, while you're making whoopee, while you're making love? Have you ever been put into that situation where your partner has a dog and they think it's cool that it's on the bed? During adult fun time. Well, it happened to me.

I'm going to be talking about that. And how about hot models, guys? Have you hated, have you not hated? Have you dated hot models? Yeah, they're kind of an odd breed, aren't they? We're going to get into that. And then buying weird things at the store. I bought something that I'm all confused about at the store.

But then aren't we always confused right here on the Harland Highway? Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake up. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Hey, been out with any models lately? You've been dating hop models? Can you even find a hot model? I dropped a piece of paper on the floor the other day and just a regular sheet of paper that you, you would, you know, print something up on. And I lifted it up, and there was a model stuck to the back of it. Yeah, one of these runway European fashion models, just stuck to the back.

Have you seen this, that they're starting a thing now that models are getting too skinny? They're outlawing skinny models. It's about time, man. I mean, holy God. I was watching a fashion show the other day. because that's what I do. I sit around and watch fashion shows. Hello.

And here comes like eight skinny little models trucking down the catwalk and I guess someone accidentally turned on a ceiling fan. And they were gone, man. It is just creepy. I mean, why are these models getting so skinny? You watch a fashion show now and you feel like you're watching that scene from Jason.

and the Argonauts. Remember that when him and his pirates are up on the hill and they're fighting the skeletons? That's what it feels like. I think I'm like, go, Jason, go Jason. Oh, wait a minute. I mean, go Louis Vuitton. I'm like, all mixed up. It must be weird dating one of those skinny models.

They're weird. You're walking down the street. All of a sudden, crows start flying away really fast. You're like, what the hell is going on? And then you look, and you realize your skinny little model looks like a scarecrow, man. And that's just you screaming because you're like over it. Yeah, it's over, baby. I'm sorry, I don't dig you.

You're too thin. Then you fold her up like a paper airplane and just toss her. Happy landings, baby. I'm going to go get me a fatty. Yeah, well, let me tell you about a place where I actually saw some chubby girls and some model types. For the first time of my life, which is hard to believe because I'm a comic book guy. I love my comic books. Not as much as I used to, but when I was younger, I collected various titles and was a freak about comics.

Still like them. I still like that world. I went to Comic-Con for the first time in my life. They had a Comic-Con convention in Phoenix, Arizona, and I thought I'd go down and check it out and walk around and see the sights and the sounds. And one of the things that struck me first and foremost is the amount of people,

and I don't want to say nerds, because that might insult the people that do it, but I'm sure, you know, there definitely was. a lot of nerds there but there were cool people too a lot of people dressed up i mean i saw like all kinds of characters from big fluffy like um you know foxes to uh people dressed in cardboard boxes to people dressed as batman and kazar and darts vader it was kind of like being at a big Halloween costume ball or something. But some of the costumes just didn't match the people.

There was one guy walking around who thought he was like Kazar, the caveman guy, kind of like a Conan the Barbarian type of guy. And he had the wig and he was built. I mean, he had no shirt on and he was wearing like the loin cloth. And then you pan up to his face and nothing worked. You know, all these Conan characters always have like the chiseled chin and the sucked-in cheekbones and the kind of the sexy bedroom eyes that are almond-shaped. This guy, for lack of a better description, looked like a freckled-faced farm boy Jewish lawyer.

Okay? He just had that look like he was a business guy. He had kind of a round face with a kind of a pointy nose and freckles and I don't know, just the face did not match the body. And I'm just like, oh, boy. And then I definitely saw, and ladies, please, please be aware. At what point did women lose track of their figures and how we perceive their figures? I don't know what's going on, man, but suddenly a lot of hefty women think that tight clothes are the thing. So I was walking around and, you know, there's a few real cuties and kind of like warrior outfits and catwoman outfits and, you know, there's always the girl and the school girl outfit and the thigh high stockings and the silhouettes.

You know, there's that whole look. And then there was a couple of very hefty girls walking around and really tight stuff. Like, some chick was in like a green lantern thing and, you know, just based on her weight. I hate to say it. I thought it was Shrek, you know. And you got to remember, folks, okay, superheroes are superheroes because they're strong, they're athletic. They're in, they're an uber fine physical shape, all right? They're like walking anatomy specimens.

They're just like, they're ripped. They have ribs upon ribs and six packs upon six packs. And then all of a sudden, Dorothy from Scottsdale, who's been pretty much living on Pepperidge Farm or whole life, decides to slap on a catwoman thing or a She-Hulk outfit. And it's like, whoa. What superhero when are you, Jen? Are you Jenny Craig girl or something?

And also some of the men, too. Some of the men walking around trying to look like Superman or Batman or Conan. Hey, guy, you might want to put down the six-pack and the little Debbie snack cakes. Okay? Pictureing Batman sitting on his couch being a potato watching I shouldn't be alive or something. But it was cool. There was a lot of cool people, a lot of cool artists. That's one of the reasons I went.

I wanted to kind of see people doing artwork. And sure enough, there was a lot of very talented illustrators, cartoon artists, graphic novel artists, people that do comic books, comic book art. And great to see people actually like sketching and doodling right in front of you. It's pretty fascinating. I mean, as you know, I do art, so I always love watching other people lay it down. And then, you know, a lot of comic books,

a lot of neat, unique, like, costumes and homemade jewelry and things like that. But then you also get the booths where it's junk, right? It looked like some guy on the way over. He's like, oh, man, we got a booth at Comic-Con. Let's stop by the 99 cents door and get 42 boxes of crap. And they should really check those people

because, I don't know, they kind of tarnish it a little bit. They made it feel a little low rent due to the fact that it looked like they were selling like kind of cheesy-ass crap. But overall, an interesting experience, lots to see, lots to do. They had a celebrity booth set up. Lou Ferragno was there, the Hulk,

William Shatner was there and who else was there oh god there was all kinds of people there was artist there was data the guy from the new Star Trek and then here's a fun one Ed Asner was there

I don't know if you remember Ed Asner from Mary Tyler Moore and he had a lot of sitcoms it's been in a lot of movies and it's kind of been an outspoken voice in Hollywood. He was there, and I see him sitting over there, and I'm with my friend, and I'm like, God, I should go say hi to Ed.

I actually did a movie with Ed Asner called Becoming Dick. It was a e-channel movie where I played this sassy Hollywood kid, and Ed Asner played my boss, and I ended up going out to dinner with Ed, and me and him and Robert Wagner, RJ. Robert Wagner here, Harland. RJ. How are you? And it was me and RJ and Robert Wagner and Bob Sagitt. Bob Sagitt directed this little movie. And I thought I should go up and say hi to Ed. And then I was like, why? What am I going to gain from that? What is Ed going to gain from that? And I was just like, like, the guy's busy, he's talking to people. I just let it go. I don't know. Maybe because I didn't know him that well. I felt

a little awkward about it, you know. And I really wanted to say hi to Lou Ferreigno. I'm a Hulk guy, man. I love the Hulk, but I didn't. And William Shatner, who's a guy that I've worked with before, too, at comedy festivals and stuff, I've actually interviewed. I interviewed William Shatner one time, and I thought, ah, screw it. I was really there to wander around and look at the sights and sounds and see the comic

books and what one piece of information that I did that was cool. I did a little research, a little reset. Years and years ago, like I said, when I was more of a comic book geek when I was younger, I went to

this little comic book fair in Toronto where I grew up, a very small one room where a bunch of guys were selling comic books. And I saw the the very first issue where the Wolverine, the character, the Wolverine is introduced to the world.

And it was an issue of the Hulk, and I didn't have the issue, and I saw it there, and I didn't have any idea who Wolverine was. And so I bought this back in the day, $5, I splurged on this mid-conditioned comic, where Hulk battles the Wolverine. It was really the first time we ever saw the Wolverine. And back then, really, the Wolverine wasn't that huge of a deal.

So I bought this comic. Five bucks was a lot of dough back in my day for a comic book. That was crazy. Five bucks was like seven meals of McDonald's, okay? But I was like, I needed for my collection. So I bought it, $5. And I'm wandering around these comic book booths. And I look, and I see it up on the wall, in mid-conditioned in a plastic bag.

And I got to find out what that thing's worth. So I walked up to the guy, I go, hey, Ming, can I see that comic book where the Hulk fights the Wolverine? And it's the first time we ever see the Wolverine. He's like, sure. So I'm looking at it. I'm like, yeah, this is the one I have. I go, how much is this worth nowadays? He goes, $700.

So that was cool. I made a $5 investment. and now it's worth 700 bucks, and I only had to wait 25 years. 3, 4. But can you imagine if you were one of the people that walked into a store when you were like, you know, back in 1960 or whenever the first Spider-Man or the first Superman came out? Probably, I think the Superman came out in the 50s or the 40s.

But imagine you just walked up and you went, you know what? Give me a handful of these comic books. The number one Superman, the number one Spider-Man. Let's, what are they, a nickel a piece? Give me a box of them. If you had a box of mid-conditioned number ones, by golly, you'd be a, you'd be a multi-millionaire, man. You'd be on easy street.

Who knew that these goofy little comic books would turn into something? So huge, right? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So pretty cool. It was a good event, interesting. I hear the big one is in San Diego, California, the big Comic-Con.

So I got to try and get down to that one of these days. Good times, interesting new sights and sounds at the old Comic-Con in Phoenix, Arizona. Yo, what's up, dog? Yo, what's up, dog? Yo, dog, what's up, dog? All right. Have you had that happen to you? Somebody called you a dog?

Is that supposed to be a term of endearment? I don't know, man. Yeah, I'll see you later, dog. Oh, that's cool, dog. It's like, you know what, next time somebody calls you a dog, sniff their hell-ow! And start licking their hell-ows. Hey, where are you going, dog?

I thought it was a dog. I'm just doing what dogs do. Come back. That should cure the dog thing. And how did dog get to be the term? Huh? I mean, there's other animals. Yo, what's up, zebra?

Hey, I'll check you later, giraffe. Hey, what's up, manatee? Yo, what's up, my gibbons baboon? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, duck bill, platypus. It's Harland Williams. I'm going to go out in my dog house and chew on a milk bone. And speaking of dogs, I just got to say this to the ladies listening. It is not cute when your dog is on the bed or in the bedroom during adult fun time, if you catch my drift.

And I know I've talked about this before, but, you know, it happened again. it happened again I'm with a lady friend and this lady friend has a dog okay and the dog is you know let's just say in some households

there's the dog runs the master or the master runs the dog this is a case where kind of this dog and dogs are smart kind of knows that it's running the show it kind of has control over the master and the master doesn't really have the confidence or the sensitivity to know that you have to apply a certain level of discipline and lay down a certain level of authority to kind of keep your dog under control and know that you're in charge many dog owners are like oh i can't i can't say no to them no i can't shush them oh no i can't i can't tell him to go out of the room no no no that's no that i can't do it that's so mean he's gonna hate me no dogs don't hate dogs don't hold a grudge the only time a dog hates is if

you beat or whip a dog then a dog is fearful of you but even through that it will probably give you love i've seen i've seen whipped dogs i've seen beat dogs and they they have a level of fear and uncertainty about people but even through that they're willing to accept love and give love uh but outside of that when you discipline your dog they don't hold a grudge they don't care in fact you know from what i can gather dogs like being disciplined they're pack animals they like having a leader they like knowing where their place is so needless to say you know fun time adult time happens and here's the dog sitting on the bed and i'm like you know what um can we just lose the dog for just for an hour is that is that cool and she's like oh she's fine

she'll just sit there don't worry and i'm like you know i'm really i get it that you're used to your dog but you know i'm i didn't really sign up for a threesome you know i don't don't don't really think the idea of adult fun time and a hairy animal on the bed at the same time really works for me it's it's kind of a buzzkill um mess with my concentration type of scenario and i don't know if you guys agree with me or not but uh good lord so then she goes well if i put him out if i put her outside she's just going to scratch at the door and i'm like well couldn't you go put her in another room couldn't you go put her downstairs couldn't you go put her in the garage she goes oh no i would never do that and i said well maybe you should she goes oh well then

nothing's going to happen you you'd never get anything for me before i did that and i'm like wow man like i was kind of half joking but at the same time i'm like what does that say about the level of intimacy. What does that say about your feelings towards getting close to someone physically? When the welfare and the well-being of the dog takes precedent over human interaction and human connection and human physicality? Do you think a dog would give a crap if you put it downstairs in a garage for an hour? Or you... put it in another bedroom or you know you shut the door and you know the dog would like scratch for a minute and go to sleep the dog isn't going i can't believe you put me in the

garage i'm gonna oh i'm gonna i'm gonna rip your throat out when you let me out of here i'm gonna bite the tires on your car i'm gonna you know so this dog is just wandering around during this whole adult fun play time which by the way started here's how it started off a big uh foamy bath with bubble bath okay so we're sitting in the bubble bath and you know the dog's pacing back and forth in the bathroom like first of all it's just weird there's a dog in the bathroom and i'm just like god you know i'm really kind of getting irritated and agitated it's like can't we lose the dog it's clear and and this was her move she she said let's have a bubble bath And I'm like, great, romantic, sexy.

And I'm like, this is your, you invited me to the bubble bath. Can we lose the dog? So no word of a lie. And dogs are smart. Dogs don't like it when they're not getting the attention, right? Especially when they have their master whipped. Okay? When the master's control, a dog pretty much knows.

Oh, it's adult fun time. I'm getting out of here. But a dog that kind of has control over its master, this is what we're sitting in the in the bathtub and while we're sitting there the dog walks to the end of the bathroom takes a crap on the floor not a pee drops a shit on the floor while we're in the bathtub okay so she's like oh god oh god i better go get that so now the bathroom smells like you know the smell a dog shit fills the air i'm sitting in these bubbles covered with foam she gets out goes picks up the dog shit i don't know where it went i think she threw it in the toilet i'm trying to block it out i think i heard the toilet flush the stink is still in the air she comes back into the bathtub and i'm just feeling a little off at this point man okay i'm feeling a little off so then we go we finally make it out of the bathtub we get on the

there's happy the dingo jumping around and she's playing with this dog and it's licking her mouth she's like oh she's kissing me oh here's this dog licking all over her mouth on her nose and i'm like ew i'm gonna be kissing that in about 30 seconds what the fuck is going on here man get the dog out of here so we start going out of the dog's still there and I just go you know what I stopped her I go get put the dog out I said

I can't do this she's like really yeah really I mean do you not have any like intimate is you're hard not pounding right now or you're not feeling frisky are you not feeling

like you want to just go nuts and roll around and there's a dog jumping around on the bed with us? Fuck me. So finally she puts the dog out and we finally get to kind of having a little fun and this thing's scratching at the door. Scratching and scratching.

You know. Except it's a lot louder. It's like nails on wood. It's like this. It's like. Scratching and. banging and needless to say i you know i don't usually like to share my intimate moments with you folks but uh i could not um get my periscope to go up all the way let's put it that way

and it was it was just because of this stupid dog could could you do it there's an animal clawing at the door and here's here's the other part of it this this woman was clearly concerned about her dog because she was whipped by her dog because the dog ruled the roost she was uh her mind was not into it her mind was where oh i hope he's okay i can't believe i i i put him outside i can't believe i can't believe he's scratching what should i do suck suck suck suck oh the poor dog you know and i know that's a little but god and she's a great person she's a great friend and you know love her whatever and it's like i don't want to be a dick i don't want to be mean and i've kind of made it obvious

that i'm not comfortable with the dog around and so it just kind of turned into kind of a half-assed like kind of weird kind of odd kind of makeout session didn't even go well and uh so i'm just saying to you ladies if you think it's cute if you think it's fun to have your dog there unless you're into bestiality okay unless the dog is actually participating in your little adult fun time which is sick uh you should probably be locked up in a barn full of zombie But if the animal ain't involved, get it the hell out. Go give it to the neighbors, go stuff it in the trunk, put it in the freezer. Good Lord.

You know, the dog will be fine on its own for 10 minutes. Let's, if you want anything to do with the dog, let's just do it doggy style. So there you go. word word to the wise ladies and i guess man if you have a dog you know just remember if you're your lady probably isn't comfortable with the dog on the bed what's up dog so there you go i rest my case put who put the dog out i did or i wish i could have i had a situation where i didn't feel good and tell me if this has ever happened to you you ever go through life and you're however old you are and you think you kind of got a handle on things and you know what's what and then

one day something really simple pops up in your face and you realize you didn't know a basic chunk of knowledge that everyone else knew yeah it happened to me recently i didn't know this and i i get mad at myself. I'm upset. I didn't know this. I mean, did anyone else know out there that maxi pads were just for girls? I thought I thought they were anyone could get them. I mean, I go through the drugstore and I'm wandering up the aisles and I see these pads. And I thought they were nut warmers. I thought they were a little area where guys could stick them in there. and they were like little sleeping bags for your, your squirrel food. What a squirrels eat?

I thought it kept them warm and cuddly and cozy, and I'm wearing one right now, and I'm embarrassed. I don't even know why I'm telling you, but I just, it's, it's, it's there. And then there's the ones with the wings. I had some of those on with wings, and, you know, they got that thing, oh, Red Bull gives you wings and i'm like i don't need no red bull man i'm wearing a maxi pad with wings player what's up i'm i feel energized and i'm nice and warm my squirrel foods all tucked in and i got wings right here my victoria secrets i mean my uh my calvin clines oh god yeah okay i didn't know that victoria secret was just for girls oh i'm a mess better go see my gynaecologist

He'll know what to tell me. Keep it here. You're on the Harlan Highway. Yeah, the freaking frolic and funny little world we live in, right? Well, I guess that brings us to the end of the show here. Another magtagulous, I don't know if that's a word, but another magtagulus podcast, darling's. Let me tell you what's going on, man.

This weekend, catch me at the Tampa Improv. It starts tonight, June 7th to June 10th, the Tampa Improv in Florida. Go to improv.com to find your tickets. And then here's a cool one. On June 22nd, there's a place in Los Angeles called the Canyon Club and me and Tom Green, yes, the Tom Green, will be doing a show together at the Canyon Club. We're going to be doing a stand-up comedy concert together

at the Canyon Club on June 22nd. It's going to be a blast. Two Canadian boys were out of their minds, Tom Green and Harlan Williams. First time ever doing stand-up together. So check that out. That's going to be great. I'll give you more details on that as the time gets closer.

Check out harlomwilliams.com. We have a whole new YouTube viewer on the page so you can watch all the latest videos on there. We've got episodes of me and Henry Winkler fishing. We've got episodes of the cartoon, the cock the ass, and the pussy, and all kinds of fun stuff. So check out Harlowelliams.com. you can write me there at harlough williams.com or you can go to our store at harlough williams.com.

Great new hand-drawn t-shirts now on sale in the store and all kinds of stuff. So that's it, man. That is our show. Hope you enjoyed it. Keep the dog off the bed, please. And until next time, everybody, chicken, shall me, baby? Thank you.