The Harland Highway - 404: HARLAND AND MAJOR CAR CRASH, Killer bees.

Episode Date: June 11, 2012

Here the on the spot account of Harland and a major car crash. also, new cars?? And Killer bees and insect sex. Bless my bagpipes!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet Mother of Mercy. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. Great to have you here. I am Harland Williams, the voice behind this podcast, the Harland Highway. And what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a what a what a what a what, what a what, what a, what a, what a, what a show I have for you today. Um, we're going to be talking about an amazing car accident that I was involved in, uh, kind of in a roundabout way, but a major car accident. Like, what do you hear about what went down? Freaky and crazy and wild.

We're also going to be talking about new cars, cars of the future, cars of the future that maybe we will never, ever see, which pisses me off. And then we're going to be talking about insects, insects that can kill you, insects that can attack you, insects that scare you. And we might even dabble into the sexuality of insects and how it could possibly relate to our own human sexuality. Hmm. Thought-provoking or just retarded?

You decide that's what you got to do right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Okay, so you're motoring down the Harlan Highway, and you probably got a pretty good car, or maybe you don't. But every year they have these auto shows, the big end of the year auto show. And they unveil the concept cars, the new cars of the future, with a whole bunch of hoopla and brouhaha and models and bikinis. These cars come rolling out, and they're incredible. They're like futuristic, they're sleek, they're stock. I mean, they've got, they look unique, they look just cool, and they're brilliant. They're brilliant cars, and they roll them out, and they're like, oh, coming up in just a year or two, this is the car of the future. Well, I'm sorry, I've been keeping my eye on this auto show for like the last 15 years, and not one of the cool cars that they roll out ever shows up in the marketplace.

Oh, there's another Dodge Neon. Ooh, look it. There goes Topaz. Oh, oh, look. Oh, the Mustang has a new hood scoop on the hood. Oh, ooh, I mean, come on, man. Stop teasing us with these great cars. Put them out on the road.

Let us buy them. Cars have not changed all that much. In the last, like, I don't know, what, 15 years? They're kind of cool. They're a little bit sleeker, but they're not that extreme look that you see at the car shows. They're still kind of the same. Every car is kind of the same unless you buy like a Lamborghini or a Ferrari or something. Remember back in the 50s and the 40s and the 60s?

Every car looked different at fins and curves and big fenders and crazy grills and lights and they had style, man. Today's cars are all cut from the same cheesy cheese cloth. Let's go, Detroit. Let's go wherever else you make cars. Give us the goodies, man. We want to roll down the Harland Highway in style, player. What's up? Hello!

There, I said it. So just sit back, wait another 35 years, and maybe you'll get one. Okay, and speaking of cars, Good Lord. Wait a way to you hear this story in particular. Oh, just freaky, man. So check it out a few weeks ago. I'm down in Florida doing a little road trip

with a buddy of mine, my buddy Sean, right? And we're kind of motoring down some of the back roads of Florida. We're up in the northern part of Florida. And we're on this one strip of highway. It's a highway not well-traveled or used to, lot but it's a nice highway it's a divided highway there's two lanes heading south on one side and then there's a kind of a median in the middle that's grass and sand and this thing's probably about 20 feet wide and then on the other side there's two lanes heading north okay and all around our

trees pine trees and swamp and it's like it's like cut right through a forest there's no there's no buildings there's no gas stations it's it's kind of a very uh empty stretch of road as far as like uh signs of of civilization okay so we're motoring down this road and there's no one else okay we're the only ones on our side heading south and there's no one on the other side head north and we're booting along and all of a sudden uh we start to go up a little tiny here hill like a very graded hill like uh on an angle of like 15 percent okay so it's not a big hill like whoa whoa like a roller coaster it's like a small flat hill well that doesn't make sense a flat hill but you know what i mean it's a it's a low grade hill and we're kind of approaching it and then

from the other side a car comes oh crests over the hill and starts driving down and again not not a big hill um and uh so we're driving and i see this car and it's like a silver car it's like a regular car nothing fancy you know four door i don't know like a neon or something who knows what it was Toyota something you know and uh all of a sudden this car starts like swerving on the road And I'm like, oh, whoa, I go to my buddy. I go, Sean, look at that, man. That guy just swerved. So we're watching this guy, and he's still heading towards us on the other side.

And then his swerving gets more dramatic. And we're like, whoa, what the hell's he doing? The guy's swerving all over the road. All of a sudden, he swerves onto the shoulder. And we're like, holy crap. He still hasn't passed us yet. He's coming towards us. All of a sudden he hits the shoulder.

his car flips over seven i'm talking five to seven flips in the air this thing goes airborne high into the air 30 40 feet into the sky at least five flips but i think we counted seven because everything happens in slow motion when you see a car accident right this thing goes flying through the air spinning through the air, boom, lands on the shoulder on its roof. Me and my buddy are like, holy crap, and while it's flying through the air, my buddy Sean is like, holy crap, look out, it's coming right at us. But I can tell from the trajectory of the thing, it wasn't, he thought it was going to fly across the road and slam right into us, which could have been possible.

But it was clearly like continuing its momentum heading north, right down the, the middle of the road, and it ended up landing on its roof on the shoulder. And right away, I'm thinking, holy Christ, we're the only ones here, we're about to go and retrieve a dead body. I can't believe this. And Sean's like, oh, my God, let's go. Let's go back. I go, I'm going, I'm going.

And I said, the first thing I got to do is call 911. He goes, no, we've got to get back. I said, Sean, sometimes the difference between life and death can be. seconds, okay? Seconds. And we are not trained professionals. I do have my red cross emergency certificate, so I know a little bit what to do, but I ain't no paramedic.

So I pull over to the side, I dial 911 as quickly as I can. As I'm dialing, I drive the car across the grass median in the middle of the road. And I'm like, I hope this car makes it over this stop. We made it across. We get back. We must have circled back and got to the guy within like 45 seconds to 50 seconds. And as we're pulling up, I'm hanging up with the police. And I'm like, they're like, where are you, sir?

Where are you? I said, I don't know. I'm on a road. I'm in Florida. I don't know what it is. It's just south of this city and it's between here and there. Well, what's the road, sir? I don't know.

So we pull over and I hang up with the police. And as we're pulling up to the car, I'm like, oh, my God, we're going to pull a dead body out of this car. Or there's going to be a couple of dead bodies on the road. We didn't know how many people were in this car that did seven flips, 40 feet in the air. God. So as we're approaching the car, we see some guy walking down the side. of the road we're like wait a minute where'd that guy come from who's that guy it's like an east indian guy's got a collared shirt he's probably about 35 40 years old and he's walking down the

side of the road totally fine away from the car that's sitting on its roof and we're like wait a minute is that the dude from the car is that the driver of the car what we pull up there's no one in the car, it's that guy. And we're like, hey, dude. And he circles back and he goes, hello, how are you? And we're like, how are we? How the hell are you, man? Are you okay?

Oh, yes, I'm good. I'm fine. This guy didn't have a scrape on him. He had one little dot over his eyebrow that was a scrape. It was not blood. There was no profuse bleeding. I hardly want to call it a laceration. It was like a scrape.

And you could see blood on the scrape. It was probably the size of a dime. Smaller than a dime. And it was as if, you know, he scraped his head against a wall or something. There was no blood even dripping. It was one of those scrapes. You know what I mean? So it wasn't deep.

it wasn't uh it didn't cause any damage and i go dude are you all right and he's like oh yes i'm good and i'm like holy god and then all of a sudden some other lady pulled over and i said what street is this and i called the cops and told them what's what road we were on and we were like freaking out because you know first of all we thought we were going to be pulling out a stiffy a dead guy and his family or something And here's this guy up walking around. His clothes aren't ruffled. His shirt was still tucked in.

No word of a lie. No blood, no scrapes. And the guy's just like normal. There's his car upside down. And what I did is I pulled out my iPhone and I recorded it. I talked to the guy. I asked him if he was okay if he was in shock. And here he is.

Take a listen to the audio. live on location at a fresh car flip seven times in the air. And whoever this guy is, he's acting like he just tripped and fell on the sidewalk. Here it is. You are blessed. I don't know how you have one little scratch right on your forehead. Your lip. Yeah, just because.

Your car flipped like eight times in the air. Right. And you're not even in shock. You're like just fine. And she called me, come on down this way, alleyway, and I just... That's great. Well, we called the police someone should be here soon. Hey, everybody.

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So you talk to the cops too, right? Yeah. Okay. Other people arrived on the scene finally, and I guess a couple other people called the cops. Did you hear how calm the guy is? He's just like, yeah, whatever. He pulled his lip down and showed me how to,

you ever bite your lip? or you know eat something hot and it burns your lip the guy pulled his lip i go are you okay he goes oh look at i've got my lip he pulls his lip down and there's like a little baby cut like he bit his lip but you hear how calm the guy is he's just like yeah whatever i'm not in shock you know your car flipped like eight times in the air right and you're not even in shock you're like just I mean, is that the type of reaction you'd have if you flipped a car seven times and walked out? And you're just like, right, you know? Like, talk about calm as a cucumber.

Talk about it. Calm as a Bollywood cucumber, man. This Indian guy, man, it's like nothing fazed him. It's like, hey, hey, buddy, there's a mushroom cloud on the horizon. I think a nuclear bomb went off. And there's a swarm of a radioactive 500-pound hornets coming to eat your brains. Right. All right.

You're kind of a fucking nut job, aren't you, dude? Right. So here's the thing. So now I've got to do a little bit of detective work, right? Because you know me. I'm a thinker. My mind's always gone. I'm always trying to put the pieces together, man.

And I noticed the guy while he was walking, had a cell phone in his head. hand and how many times have I talked to you cats on this podcast about people using their cell phones and driving and texting and all that crap? So here's a guy with a cell phone in his hand, okay? He's clutching onto that thing like, you know, he just pulled his child out of the wreckage. And then notice in his answer, when I asked him if he's okay, he immediately starts talking about somebody calling him, and it sounds like he's got blame in his voice. Like, he's like, yes, she called me.

She called me, and I didn't know. I didn't want her to call me. It's her fault. I didn't want to talk on the phone. She made me flip my car. I was so busy talking. Listen to the little snippet of him, like, going on about the phone call. And she called me.

Come on down this way, alleyway, and I just. Right, a little suspicious. Why, why in the middle of a, uh, seven-roll car flip, the first thing you do, you're getting a little defensive about some chicky giving you a phone call. And then you've got the phone in your hand, and you've just flipped seven or eight times. Something's up, right? Listen to this guy. He sounds like he was in the middle of a call, or he was texting, and he got distracted, and he flipped his frigging call.

And she called me, come on down this way, alleyway, and I just... Right, little shady. And remember, there was nothing around. It was a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky, no obstructions on the road, no wet spots, no ice. It was Florida. No animals ran across it. We saw the whole thing. I was watching this guy as he came over the hill, driving totally normal, on an empty two-lane road, tons of room.

and all of a sudden I don't know where he just starts swerving. And my guess is he was looking down at his phone texting. And he started to drift a little bit. And when he looked up, his brain went, oh, I'm starting to drift a little bit. And so he panicked and overcompensated and grabbed the wheel and spun it back too much. And then it went too much the other way.

And then he grabbed it and spun it the other. And before you know it, he's fish tailing, he's up in the air 40 feet doing like a Kathy Rigby perfect landing off the psalm horse. That's my guess. Something was connected to the phone because he seemed more emotionally involved with this telephone and the telephone call than he did with the fact that he just defied death. I mean, how do you walk away from that? And then the last part I'll kind of break down and decipher here is as soon as I told him I had called the cops, he got real quiet. And then I got a little suspicious. I mean, this guy was kind of a, you know, he had like the 1970s haircut.

He had a gold chain around his neck. If I'm saying he maybe seemed to look a little shady, maybe. I don't know. how do I know what this guy's life was all about but he looked like a little bit of a shady guy so here it is one more time he's uh here's the guy he's uh he's uh talking about the phone call and then I mentioned the cops and he just goes silent

and she called me come on down this way alleyway and I just that's great well we called the police someone should be here soon silence at this point he just kind of tuned out he's looking around probably in his head going okay how do i explain this to the cops oh so uh dude you are you are one lucky guy you're lucky to be alive right and then here's where the story gets kind of interesting too it was just kind of bizarre uh you know set of events but you know i have to believe that this is guy had his seatbelt on because if he didn't i'm sure he would have flown out the window or he would have been cut up or he would have got smashed around so i'm just gonna guess and say he had his seatbelt on

and here's where it gets weird my buddy sean who i'm driving with sean is a guy who never wears his seatbelt okay when we got in the car he did it up behind his back just so we could stop the ding ding ding ding ding right And here's why. Okay, Sean went through a very similar thing. He was in a car that did exactly the same thing. It flipped through the air. The guy he was driving with lost control. The car flipped five or six times in the air.

Sean wasn't wearing his seatbelt. And he flew out of the car. As it was in midair, he flew out the passenger side window or through the front window. I forget what he said. I think he might have been the front window. He said he felt like he was just sucked out. It felt like an angel or something had like just ripped him out of the car. And he flew like, you know, 50, 60 feet down the highway.

Okay. And like this guy, Sean landed without a scratch. He woke up. No, he didn't wake up. He told me he stood up. He was fine. One broken bone, he didn't have any bruises. It was like a miracle.

And he said after people arrived, he talked to them for a bit, and then I guess he went into shock and he passed out. And he woke up in a hospital. Still, no bruises, no broken bones, nothing. Okay? A violent car crash rolling through the air, gets sucked out of the window, bounces down the road. I guess he landed on in some, on the median where there was grass.

And so he never wore his seatbelt. And he said when they looked at the car, the minivan they were in, after the fact, his side was completely crushed down to nothing. The driver lived. The driver was not hurt. The driver was wearing his seatbelt. But his side of the minivan was perfectly fine. but my buddy Sean's side, he said, was crunched right down into the seat.

So if he had had his seatbelt on, he would have been dead. So he vows never to wear a seatbelt again. Because, you know, really, by not wearing a seatbelt, it saved his life. And so it's this weird argument. It's like, wow, how do you tell a guy who survived a major car crash to wear a seatbelt? when if he had he would have been dead so interesting argument for the seatbelt i mean i i like to wear it i think it's smarter to wear it but he kind of got lucky and uh who knows how many times death's going to knock on your door man it might be uh like those those crazy movies the uh

the movie's um final destination where if uh you cheat death like that death is just waiting to get even worse the next time. So there you go, man. That's my dramatic story of the crazy car crash down in good old sunny Florida. I mean, be careful out there. And as far as I'm concerned, wear your seatbelts, folks. Right? Right.

Thank you. Now, to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate. Have you heard the word? Are you scared yet? Have you put nails and boards and hammered the windows and doors shut? Yeah, the killer bees are coming, man. Yeah, they're coming up from South America.

They've crossed through Mexico. They're all over Florida and Texas and going into Georgia and across Arizona and California. They're on the move, man. scary imagine getting killed by bees i live in a place where there's violence gun violence and gang violence and drunk drivers and shootings and anger and punching and you imagine if at the end i got killed by a lousy honeybee Killer bees, man, they swarm you. Get near their nest, and they get all cranky.

I guess they don't have decaf honey in their hive. They're all pissed off. Get the hell off my land. They swarm you and sting you to death, man. What's your line of defense? I'll tell you what mine is, man. I bought a couple of grizzly bears. Yeah, that's right.

I say grizzly bears. Hey, if I got mice, I'm going to get a cat. Okay? If I got coyotes circle in the house, I'm going to get a dog. If I got bees running up on me and doing a rambo, say hello to my little grizzly bear friend. Okay? Yeah, bears love honey.

I'll sick my grizzlies, Fido and Sweetie Pie. They'll run up on your hive and rip a honey hole through your hive, Daddy. Back off, killer bees. Yeah, watch out, people. Don't get stung. Get out to your local bear store and start bear shopping, man. Follow my lead on this one, people. Stay alive.

Keep eating your honey here on the sweet. Carl, on my way. It's weird, too, how that little buzzing noise freaks us out, right? Like, just like, you know, there's a lot of things that send shivers up people spying, right? Like maybe the howl of a wolf or the rattle of a rattlesnake or, you know, a boy band singing. But there's something about that. It just freaks people out. They hear that and they go, oh, oh, oh, what's that?

Oh, my God, there's a bee. Oh, my God. They just start swinging and wailing and flapping in the air like a bird's been shot out of the sky. You ever see a duck flying and a hunter? And it just starts spinning out of the sky. It's wings flapping erratically. That's what people's arms do. The minute they hear a bee is like,

eh, get away. And they start flapping their arms. It's weird that bugs have these little noises they do. How about crickets, man? You ever hear a cricket at night? Apparently that noise is like they're mating call. And you know what they do? They rub their legs together.

Can you imagine? Every time a human being got sexual. That would make it real hard for adolescent teenagers. to discover their sexuality by themselves in their bedroom at night. I think you know what I mean. You know, everybody has that moment of discovery of the big M-word, masturbation. Oh, oh, oh, master, oh, patient.

Charles, you know, Halson and Riley. Right? Imagine that when you're like a 13-year-old kid. House is quiet, everyone's in bed, and all of a sudden. Hey, stop what you're doing in there, kid, you little pervert. Sorry. And your sister, too. Sorry.

And your mother, too. What are you doing it for? Because you never give me any loser? So thank God we don't have to rub our lives. legs together or you know whenever we get sexual we make funny noises unless you call a funny noise knock it off kid knock it off up yours um so anyways on that erotic note uh let's not get stung by bees let's not flip our cars uh let's not uh you know make funny noises by rubbing our legs together let's just let's get get out of here gracefully shall we uh but before we go let me give you some announcements uh hey check it out i'm

going to be doing a show with my buddy tom green uh tom green from the tom green show and freddie got fingered we're going to be doing a special two-man stand-up comedy show at the can Canyon Club in Los Angeles, California on June 22nd at 8 p.m. Look it up online, the Canyon Club. I think it's in Ventura County in Los Angeles. And Tom and I are both going to be doing a full stand-up set and goofing around together. And it's going to be really cool. So get your tickets quickly because I do believe they will go quickly.

So that's June 22nd here in California, Los Angeles. And check that action out. And then don't forget, let's see, that'll be June 28th. I will be in Cleveland at Hilarities Comedy Club. June 28th to July 1st. I'll be at the Cleveland Comedy Club. Cleveland, Ohio, hilarities, Pickwick and Frollick. Get your tickets there because that fills up quickly as well.

Just want to make sure you get all your stuff. Don't forget to check out harloweems.com. We now have my YouTube player up on there so you can watch all kinds of fun videos. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel. It's YouTube's backslash Harlem Williams. Check it out. Right now we have episodes of me and Henry Winkler, the Fonds, out there fishing on the ocean, pulling in salmon.

We've got my little web cartoon called The Cockty Ass and the Pussy. It's a story about a donkey, a rooster, and a cat, and the trouble that they get into. You can write me at harloweems.com. You can call me at 3233.3.3. 739 43330 and don't forget we have some wonderful merchandise going on in the harlo williams.com store so there you go keep it safe keep your seatbelts on tight and until next time everybody chicken chalming baby right

Thank you.