The Harland Highway - 405: BBQ EDDY RETURNS, The 'G' spot, Chin Ho Hawaii 5-O

Episode Date: June 14, 2012

BBQ EDDY RETURNS, finding the 'G' spot, Chin Ho from Hawaii 5-O stops in, skin moisturizer, liposuction, Harland goes to a bike race, there's water on Mars, and Nat Geo irritations. Flick my Bic!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Peanuts and popcorn, boys and girls. I don't know what that meant, but, you know, that's kind of like a treat for the beginning of the podcast, peanuts and popcorn. Who complains about that? Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am your host, Harland Williams. If you didn't figure it out already, my name's right in the opening. Oh, my God. This show's like packed full of crap.

Not crap, but gold. Golden crap. We are going to be talking about the G-spot. Do you guys know where the G-spot is? We're going to find out. And then I'm going to tell you about, I went to a bike race. I went to one of these bike-race dealos,

and not as fun as I thought it would be. They found water on Mars. That's interesting, something to talk about. I'm going to be complaining about National Geographic and what they do and how they're unfair to the rest of us. I'm going to be talking about moisturizing my skin,

something I'm not very good at. I'm going to be talking about liposuction. Chin Ho from Hawaii 5-0 is dropping by to give us a police report. I don't know why. And best of all, it's summer. Our old buddy Barbecue Eddie is back looking to party right here

on the Harland. Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, it's Harland. Yeah, that's right, Harlem Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. And have you been watching National Geographic? Do you watch that channel? The National Geographic Channel? where they explore the world and film animals and go through jungles. I got a beef with these people, okay?

I got a real big beef. Why is it that if National Geographic throws a camera crew together, they go to like Egypt, they get like a couple of scientists and some researchers, and they go out into the deserts of Egypt, and they dig up a body. They're documentarians, okay? They pull up a body all wrapped up, and they get to do a television show about it. Okay?

And then how come if I, on a Saturday night, with a couple of my buddies, grab a couple of six-packs of bud in some shovels from Home Depot, and we go up to like Forest Lawn and exhume a couple of bodies and throw the football around suddenly we're body snatchers Hello How is that fair? It ain't right

Way to step all over my Saturday night, man Oh well I better call up Freddie Kruger and Jason from Friday the 13th and tell them that Saturday's off Maybe we'll just go see a movie. It's Harland Williams. Maybe a documentary from National Geographic.

And speaking of ghostly scary haunting imagery, let me ask you this, guys, because this gets scary to me. How many guys have ever attempted to do the body lotion thing? To moisturize their skin? You know, every now and then you hear it, it's like, oh, you'll look for it. 40 years younger if you are exfoliate and replenish and moisturize your skin. Even men should be doing it. And every now and then, that whistle blows in the back of my head.

Maybe I'll be at a hotel and I'll get out of the shower. I'll dry off. And there's that free bottle of moisturizers sitting there. And I'm like, ah, you know, they say. So I crack open the moisturizer and, you know, you screw the top. off and you know as a guy who doesn't use moisturizer very often or skin cream or whatever you want to call it I don't know how much to put on

so you ever you ever get a hot dog at the ball game and or at the movie theater and you got the hot dog and you put it underneath the ketchup squatter machine or the mustard machine or the mayonnaise machine and you just pressed down and you run your hot dog along and let that condiment topping squirt all the length of your hot dog wiener right it's just all the way across it well i want to have that flavor in every bite so right so that's kind of how i approach moisturizing okay i don't put it on very often

so i don't know what the rules are so i just get the bottle and i kind of do like a white line all the way up my forearm and then all the way up my bicep and then all the way like on my shoulder uh wrong okay it turns out that that stuff i don't know what it does but there's a lot of it there and when i rub it in i've put on too much to the point where it's not being absorbed by my skin now i've just got i'm rubbing it on me and i'm turning it turning white like a ghost. Like there's way too much from my skin's going, hold the phone, Jr., that's a little too much.

Sorry, we can't absorb anymore. The rest of that white glue is going to just sit on top of your epidermis. Right? So suddenly I'm like a creamy albino. I'm like a Juergens ghost or a, I'm the ghost of Nivium Milk Past. Woo-wooo-woo. I'm like powders in town. And I'm all slimy and slippery, and my arms are all white.

Looks like I've got that sun disease or something. Or I've been sleeping in Michael Jackson's hyperbongic chamber, whatever it's called. And I'm all slippery, like if flies land on me, they just stick. Right? Dust is landing on me and sticking. It's like being tared and feathered almost. If a pillow blew up, I'd look like Big Bird. All the little feathers would stick to my oily body lotion-covered skin.

So I don't know. Maybe that's an art, I guess. Maybe that's one of the advantage of girls know how to do it. At least I don't know how to do it. I don't know about you other guys, but I'm guessing you don't know how to do it. It's just like a walking, pale white vanilla egg cream zombie. Ur, er. Strange zombie dead.

Yet people say if zombie moisturized skin, zombie live for five extra years. Me not understand dichotomy. So there you go, man. Guys, before you put on all that greasy moisturizer, just, uh, Look at a rule book. Go online, Google it, do something. But whatever you do, just dab a little. A little dab, I'll do ya.

Are you rocking to the music? That's what it's all about, man. Get that body moving. It's Harlan Williams, man. Have you got too much body, though? Are you going to do this thing that seems to be the trend right now, the liposuction? Have you ever watched it?

on the surgery channel or the Lifetime Network you can actually watch people getting liposucked oh god I didn't like a bad or movie it's like some kind of psychotic cleaning lady prowling

around neighborhoods with her vacuum cleaner and she jams it up under your flesh and turns it on start sucking I would clean you all You too chubby, man. I gotta clean you up. She'll just start sucking your insides out. Coming to a theater near you. Just when you thought you were at the right weight.

Cleaning lady, she'll suck your flesh. They're the modern vampires of the 21st century. They don't wait for nightfall. They wait for you to get love hands. It's Cleaning Lady. She's coming to suck. I don't know. Did that scare you at all? I don't know. I was trying to do a horror movie thing. That would be fun, though. I bet it would keep everyone thin, man. If there were just like wild liposuckers out on the street,

then no one would be allowed to get fat. You could be standing on the corner in New York, shoving a big fat October Fest sausage down your throat out of nowhere up from out under the sewer grate you're too fat my friend

oh thanks man I feel so much better I think I'll have another October Fest dog hey you sucked it right out of my hand you cannot get fat my friend and then just as a little bonus street they uh squirt lemon pledge on your forehead rub it around so you walk away with a shine this is eddie he wants to party but they just hang up hello hey how's it going man

who's this uh it's eddie you got the wrong number oh it's gonna see if you wanted to grab a Hey, what the hell? What the... The hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Right there, that's the G-spot. Mm-hmm. A lot of men don't know where the G-spot is. How many of you thought it was a denomination? Like money. Hey, man, can you lend me a 10-spot, man? Yeah, I'll lend you a 10-spot, man. Can you let me a G-spot?

The G-spot? I don't think the G-spot means the garage. Honey, we go to the G-spot? Sure, baby. I'd love to go to the G-spot. I'll be out in the garage fixing my 1973 Camaro. How many of you nerds out there? You know the nerds with the glasses and the pimples.

That look. How many of you think the G-spot means Google? Honey, will you hit my G-spot? Okay, baby. Maybe I have my laptop right here. Thanks for asking, man. No, my G-spot. Okay, what do you want me to look up?

My G-spot. I mean, come on, nerds. Put the computer away. I don't even think the G-spot is a place. Honey, let's go to the G-spot. Okay, Great Britain. Okay, yeah. G, Great Britain.

Looks like I found the G-spot, love. The weather's never too good here at the G-spot. It's always a little damp. moist and rainy but outside of that i guess it's okay come on guys and you girls too man us men us men have a g spot okay the guy spot it's called everywhere touch us anywhere we're guys gee yeah you could touch us anywhere and we kind of like go off nice forehead It's doing for you out. Harlan Williams.

Hello. The H spot here on the Harlan Highway. How about the B spot? And when I say B, I mean bicycle. I did something I'd never done in my life recently. I went to a bike race. Not like a motorcycle or mountain bike, but one of these Tour de France-type bike races.

It wasn't in France. I wasn't in France. I wasn't on the Tour de France. It was like a Los Angeles city bike race, and, you know, they blocked off all the streets and all the roads, and people were lined up on the side, and they had railings up, and they had an announcer. You know, you can barely say, and here comes to bicycle holding out of the thing. Here comes bicycle number two, and here comes the same. So he got out of a trip, you know, you can't really understand them.

And a bunch of things occurred to me. First of all, it's like the guys. Like, okay, and here comes the pace cars. First, we have the pace cars. So we got these things called the pace cars, okay? So like five cops on motorcycles whipped by. Then, you know, four more cops in cop cars and SUVs whip by. And then a bunch of like cars with like sponsors, names on it and all this stuff.

And then more cop cars and then more more motorcycles. And I'm like, where the hell? hell of these bikes, man. And then all of a sudden here comes like five bikes. They go by like super fast. They just got what? What? Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. And you're kind of sitting there going, you know, I wouldn't really stop my day to watch some guy bicycle buy in the street.

You know, if I'm sitting at Starbucks, eating a coffee, and drinking a donut, because I do it backwards, and some guy rolls by on a 10-speed bike, I wouldn't put down my beverage and my snack and go, oh, my goodness, look at that bicycle go past. Oh, breathtaking. I'd be like whatever so unfortunately a bike race you're kind of just standing there and then before you know it

they just go by you it's like watching a bird swoop by your face and you don't even really have time to watch their legs you don't have time to watch their faces you don't you know there's like 20 of them mass together so it's like a blur

and you got remember these guys are bicycling you know they're probably going upwards of 30 miles an hour 20 2030 maybe 40 miles an hour who knows but they're like oh okay I saw them coming they were right in front of me for one third of one second and now I see their spandex amaciated Ali McBeal asses going off in the distance so these guys motor by and I'm like okay uh lunchback let down but then all of a sudden more cars and more cop cars and more motorcycles and then you got cars coming by with bicycles on the roof I guess they're the backup bikes if they're

their guys get screwed and these guys are wailing along speeding their lights flashing sirens going I'm like who the hell is who here and suddenly I dawned on me in this so-called bike race. There were more motorized vehicles. And I'm not even joking here. There were more cars, SUVs, and motorcycles going by than there were bikes.

And suddenly for a minute I scratched my big cantaloupe-shaped head and I was like, wait a minute, is this am I at the Indy 500? Is this a car race? Because I'm seeing a lot of car. And the cars are whipping by pretty fast. They're either

in the lead trying to get the hell out of the way of the bicycles or they're behind the bikes trying to catch up to the bicycles and uh it's just a it's just a weird mixture it seems dangerous to have guys on bikes and then cars zooming behind them really fast and then to have cars in front of them spewing out all their exhaust you know you can only imagine that a cyclist lungs is just like grasping for air You know, I mean, a huge part of the cycling game is cardiovascular, right? It's like, it's almost like see how fast, how quickly, how long it takes you to process air through your lungs and nourish your blood and keep you pumping and moving.

I think they give them like drugs and steroids to help improve them on that level. And then meanwhile, they got like, you know, seven Fiats, a couple of, you know, dodge broncos or whatever they're called and you know some dodge neons i always got to throw in the neon the Ford focus every time i talk about cars i throw those two in there and i'm just like i don't know man i appreciate a cyclist look i've i've cycled a lot in my life i know what it means to go up a hill or down a steep hill and round a bend and have traffic around you and other bicycles i'm not i'm not trying to diminish this sport. It's a challenging sport, but to watch it live, it's like sitting on

your porch and watching a dragonfly whipped by your face. Oh, and it's over. So, you know, if you like car racing, bike racing, whatever, go to a bike race. You're going to get both. Now I'm going to go inflate a bicycle tire, put some icing sugar on. on it and pretend it's a nice rubbery donut hello this is Eddie he wants to party but they just hang up hello hey how's it going man who's it's Eddie alright relax you come uh I wanted to see if you want to maybe kick on the barbecue something or... Wait what?

Throw the barbecue on and have some, like, uh, ribs or something? Who is it? Uh, it's Eddie, man. Well, it's fine as is you. Maybe, uh, slam down some Heineken's and stuff, have some chicken breast and whatnot. Who is it? Uh, Eddie? Seriously.

Uh, Teddy Want to maybe, you know, throw the barbecue together and have some pinakins And, hey, who is it, seriously? Uh, Teddy, man Hey, Jenny, want to do me a favor? Yeah Go fuck yourself, right?

What? I just wanted to have a barbecue. All right, I'll see you, right? What the... What the... What that... What that? What? What the hell? Go what? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Well, they did it. They finally did it. It looks like NASA has finally got some pictures that confirmed their beliefs that there's water on Mars. Holy God. Let's see. They spent billion dollars to go out into outer space and they discovered water. Guess what, NASA? I got water in my kitchen. Yeah, there's a tap there. I just walk over for free and turn it on and water comes out. Gee, if only I had had $39 billion to explore my kitchen and find some water.

Hello! I'm just kidding, man. I think it's exciting. They got water on Mars. That's cool. Because if there's water, there's life, right? If there's waters, there's straws. If there's waters, there's entrepreneurs.

Putting that crap in bottles, and we're going to buy it for $60 a shot. Where's your bottled water from? Oh, it's Peria from France. Oh, where's your bottled water from? Oh, it's Nino from the Alps. Where's your bottled water from? What's that, Mars?

Correct, stupid human. $75, and this could be yours. All right, Mars water. Hooray! I'm much fancier than you French, Italian and Swiss water drinkers. Yeah, can't you picture it right now? It's going to be there right on the shelves, right beside the Perrier, Mars water.

Yeah, and everyone's going to drink it, and then four years later, aliens are going to pop out of their bellies. We'll be sitting there at Red Lobster with your date. A little aliens are going to burst out of your abdomen. They're going to come out and drink all the water. Oh, well, hey, everybody's got to make a buck, right? I wasn't talking to you. I wasn't talking to you.

Go drown yourself. Go jump in a Martian Lake. That'll be $80. Okay. Everyone's getting hose now. Here on the terrestrial. Highway. I like that. That was a cool bit. I like that one, Raj. Some nice music and sound effects you put in. What? Who's here? Chin Ho from Hawaii 5-0 is here? Oh, for God. Why do we have that

guy? He wants to come in? I'm doing the show. I'm doing the podcast. I'm almost at the end. Why do we want chin ho and you oh for god's sakes who gets these people all right okay is he here is he here okay send him in i don't know why we have to talk to this guy i don't know how he got in here you want me to call security no you don't have to call security i just i don't get it we don't live in hawaii so why do we have chin ho in here from hawaii 5 oh what what is the crime in Hawaii got to do with us just send them in send them in ladies and gentlemen from Hawaii 5-0 police force it's Chin ho hello chin hello how are you how's life on the big island pretty good okay uh I guess you're here to update us tell us about your

exciting police life your life on the police force Hawaii 5 oh yeah okay What do you got? Any new breaking cases? Yeah. What is it? We found someone guilty in a court of law. You found someone guilty in a court of law. What was some kind of big trial? Yeah.

In the media on all the news outlets. Yeah. Okay. And what was this person guilty of? Pineapple. No. No, no, no, shut it off. Shut, nobody's guilty of pineapple. Shut it, shut it off.

What are you talking about? Somebody killed someone with a pineapple. Stop it. Shut it up. Nobody killed anyone with anything like that. Like what? Like nobody killed anyone with a pineapple. Ah!

Roger! Shut it off! I have another case. You have another case. And what's this one? Someone was badly beaten and raped. Okay, well, God, that's serious. I don't like to hear that.

I don't like to hear people. It's one thing to get beaten, but to get raped, that's horrible. Yeah. What are you saying? Yeah. Are you saying yes, or are you dying? Hello? Yeah.

So they, how did they get raped? With a pineapple. Shut it off. No, no, no, no. Stop the stupid theme music. What in the name? Okay, let it play. Let it play.

Are you happy? Are you done? Is it done? Yeah. Okay, why? Every time you say, the stupid word pineapple. Oh, God.

Come on. Hurry up. Shut it off. Do you have any more cases and then get out of here? Don't get cocky. I'm not getting cocky. Shut up. Do you have any more cases?

I have one more case. Okay, what is it? Somebody drowned in a swimming pool. Somebody drowned in a swimming pool. Okay. I don't know how the P-word factors into that. The swimming pool... Yes?

...was full of pineapple juice. Ah! Come on, get them out of here. Chin-ho out. Get them out. I have one more. Get them out. Pineapple.

That wasn't even a case. You just said pineapple. Ah! God, Roger, can we not have chin-ho in here? It's really just a time-waster. Is that guy, does he have like all-timers or something? Is he tetched? Is he off?

Is he got a bit of the, is he a little moist on the brain? Everything's pineapple with him? Good Lord. man just a colossal waste of time takes us right to the end of our show had a great show go on and chin ho from Hawaii 5-0 pops in to tell us what's going on in Hawaii what be due who cares

well let's get to some announcements then thanks thanks a lot 5-0 don't forget gang uh this uh this june 22nd. If you live in the L.A. area, an amazing comedy show. Me and my buddy Tom Green, you know the incredible crazy zanie Tom Green from Freddy Got Fingered and the Tom Green show. We are doing our first ever stand-up comedy concert together. It's Tom and I at the Canyon Club in Los Angeles, California. Check it out online it's the canyon club i think it's in ventura county it's at 8 p.m that'll be

friday june 22nd in los angeles so uh come on down player and then for those of you on the east coast uh june 28th right at the end of the month through to july 1st um yours truly will be up in Cleveland, Ohio at the Pickwick and Frolic, hilarities comedy theater, unbelievable comedy club. Great bars, great food, great theater to see comedy in. And I'm going to be there with my buddy Sean Tweedley, so we're going to be doing like a double show. It's going to be like stand-up comedy and then some improv comedy on top of it, to boot. so you don't want to miss that. Don't forget you can call me at 323-739-43330

or you can write me at harlandwilliams.com. Don't forget to check out the new YouTube channel with all kinds of fun videos up there. That's a YouTube backslash Harlan Williams. And follow me on Twitter at Harlan Williams, Facebook at Harlan Williams. Everything's Harlan Williams. Check out our store at Harlan Williams.

Check out our store at harlan williams.com. And thanks to you for coming along, all ye faithful pavement pounders here on the Harland Highway. Hope you had a good time. Sorry about Chin Ho. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby! With chunks of pineapple.

Ah, no! No! Now! Wow!