The Harland Highway - 406: BBQ EDDY RETURNS, hunting whales, Google

Episode Date: June 18, 2012

BBQ Eddy comes out for summer beers, Harland cleans his fridge, the new Google car, the use of blow darts, whale huntin in Hollywood, tricks you can do with shrimp. Sunday bloody funday!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day in the neighbor, won't you be mine? Child pervert. Okay, wrong, wrong. I just always, the guy always creepy. Mr. Rogers was creepy. Anyways, enough. Let's get on to it.

Hey, Harlan Williams here. You are on the Harlan Highway. Thank you for rolling along. Great show today. We're going to be talking about blow-dum. What other podcast talks about blowdarts? We're going to be talking about creative things you can do with shrimp. I don't know what that means.

Google. Google has created a car called the Google Car. We've got to talk about that. Welcome to the future. And welcome to the past. I cleaned my fridge out. And there were many, many things from the past. that scared the hell out of me.

I'm going to talk to you about that. Barbecue Eddie is here. Oh, summer's on. Barbecue season is here. Barbecue Eddie is in the house. And we're going to be talking about leprosy, of all things. I don't know why. And whale calls.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have real live whales that live in my neighborhood and prowl through my street. It's bizarre, but what else is new? You're on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gun and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and you are rocking down the Harlan Highway. I cleaned out my fridge yesterday. Holy God, what an adventure that was. You think Indiana Jones went on adventures. Oh, try cleaning out my fridge. Hello!

I found like salad dressings in there that I'm not kidding, hadn't even been opened, and the expiration date was over two years old. There were jars and bottles on my fridge door that, you know, I think you could technically put them in a museum. Here was a bottle of Kraft, Thousand Island salad dressing. Ancient. And I'm lucky I spotted it because, you know, what would normally happen? as I just like pull it.

Oh, I got some salad dressing. But I had a little hint in the back of my head that maybe this salad dressing was prehistoric. There's stuff in my freezer. There's fish. There's some frozen fish in my freezer that's so beyond frozen. I think it's fossilized.

I think I could technically take it to museum and say, hey, man, I was in Alaska and, you know, I was drilling for oil. and my drill bit hit this ancient slice of halibut. Yeah, this has got to be worth, I'd say, a couple of hundred grand right here. I mean, this is ancient. Look at it. This is permafrost right here.

I got to get on it, man. I'm afraid to go into my little food closet. You know where you keep your soups and your canned corn and your canned chili and your crackers and all that stuff? I mean, gee, can you tell I'm single? Some people have skeletons in their closet. I got rich crackers that have turned green. Hello!

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Yeah, it's me. It's Harland Williams. And have you seen on the news that Google, Google, Google, Google, it sounds like a caveman word that they used. Google, Google, Google, Google, Google, Google. Google But Google has unveiled a driverless car Isn't that cool?

I saw it on CNN and they've got this car that it's got all these kind of little radar devices and infrared sensors all over it and they showed like four people sitting in this car and just a normal car, and I'm going to say it, you know, like a Dodge neon or a Ford Focus, because that's my car reference that I always use. And these guys were driving around, not on an empty road, not in an empty parking lot.

They were out on the city streets. I think they were in Washington, D.C. And I'll be darned, they were, like, motoring through buses and traffic jams. And there was one shot where they approached, a crosswalk and a bunch of kids and their teachers walked across. It was almost like watching a bunch of little baby ducks walk out in front of a car. And the Google car just rolled to a slow stop. Everyone went by and then the Google car kept going.

And the Google car, you know, when it had to take a right, it put on its right signal and it had to take a left, it did it. There was one shot where a taxi was coming and almost cut the Google car off, and the Google car knew enough to stop to avoid a collision. Google car parked itself. I mean, that's some cool stuff, man. And that's just the beginning, you know. You know, these are the prototypes.

Apparently they have six of them rolling around, and they're testing them. And it's about time. It's about time we had something futuristic in the automobile industry. You know me. I'm always harping on how stale the auto industry is, how not much has changed. Well, hello to, you know, driverless cars by Google, which on one level, I think, could be cool. You know, you could sit there and just chill out and drive to your destination.

But then on the other hand, I liked it. I like, you know, when you're actually at the wheel and you're turning the wheel and you're pumping the brakes and you're putting on the signals, it actually gives you something to do and it makes driving, at least in some, in some instances, helps you pass the time, keeps your mind occupied. I guess in rush hour driving, it's not much fun. when you're in bumper-to-bumper highway driving, that's pretty stressful and aggravating. So I can see kicking back in my Google car, having a lemonade, getting a massage, playing backgammon.

You know, maybe I got a cheese fond dude going in the back seat. You know, maybe a poker game with some buddies. Maybe I'm laying in the back. I pull down some shades. I watch Blade Runner. on the big screen in the backseat, I've got some popcorn going in the Google microwave. Yeah, that'd be a good way to go to work.

I'd think about it if you're a guy who works at an office or whatever, right? And you're like, the night before you got to have some big report done, and you're like, ah, screw it. I'll do it on the way to work. I got an hour commute. I'll get in the Google car. Google car will drive me. I'll sit in the backseat, get my report done. Whopi-do? That's an extra hour in people's days.

So pretty cool, man. Pretty cool. I'm excited to see where it goes. And that's what I love about these tech companies like Google. You know, people go, oh, they make so much money. Oh, my God. They're overloaded with cash. But what people don't recognize is that Google, Google's using a lot of its money to, you know, propel the human race to propel us forward with technology. And Google, I don't have a sheet of all the things they do, but they certainly put a lot of their profits back into developing technology. They got the driverless car.

Apparently they're coming out with Google glasses where you can wear glasses. and a bunch of information appears on the lens of the glass and the lenses have cameras in them and whatnot. So good for Google helping propel us into the future, creating more cool technology for us. Because, you know, I've always said, I want to get to that place where we're floating around and we're, you know, we've got TVs in our eyes

and we got, you know, iPods on our front. foreheads and you know we can float and transport ourselves so google's help them pave the way i'm hoping that's what facebook does apple's certainly doing it i know facebook has a real has had a real rocky start with their IPO with the company going public but i think they'll get over that hump and i think the key to that is them developing actual physical tangible products that people can buy and put their hands around, you know. The scary thing about Facebook being an IPO is that, you know, it could be a trend. Facebook could just be a trend, even though they sell a lot of advertising.

Look what happened to MySpace. And you're like, what? What's that? What did you say? Yeah, I said MySpace. What's that? Exactly. Remember when everyone was on MySpace, MySpace, this, my space, that?

Now it's like, what space? How about empty space? There's no one there. Doors are locked. Everyone's gone home. So Facebook could, you know, follow suit. All it takes is a cooler social networking site to emerge. And suddenly everyone's like, oh, yeah, I'm on carrot top social network.

Who the hell does Facebook anymore? so Facebook is smart they will get into the tech game and start developing futuristic products that keep them around because I got to say my guess is that as far as a social network goes their life shelf is limited because that stuff is very trendy and we love to gravitate towards new stuff so there you go I'm going to go out in my Google car and Google myself, and Google, Google, Google all the way home. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up.

Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? Yes. Hey, it's Eddie. What's this? Eddie? Eddie. Yeah, it's going to see if you wanted to throw a barbecue together today.

Maybe toss some ribs around and stuff. Eddie, who? Eddie from the hardware store. From what hardware store? Over at Osh. Over at what? Osh. Osh?

Pick up some ribs, draw them around. No? Have a barbecue, maybe smack back a few hynikins and stuff. Well, how did you get my number? Uh, Carol gave it to me? Well? Cal? Who gave it to you?

I'm sorry, I couldn't... You're, like, under water. I couldn't... Oh, so... Carol gave it to me. Over at the hardware store, I thought maybe we could throw a barbecue together, slap some ribs around and stuff.

No, I'm not interested, Eddie. Maybe crack a few hynicans down or something, or... No, I'm sorry. Bye. Uh, maybe a few. Hey, what the hell? Wait a minute. Cal?

What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. It's Harlan Williams here. You know what I was wishing today that they would bring the blow dart back? I mean, not that we ever had it here in America, but, you know, tribal societies in South America and in Africa. They have the blow dart, man.

We're a gun-driven society here in the U.S. of A. People get angry. They take it out on other people with guns. Yo, man, what's up? Yeah, that's what you get for, taking my park and spot, man. Everybody's trigger-happy. The end result is bodies piling up. So I propose we'd bring back the blow dart, man.

I mean, you still get to take a shot at someone, but it's quiet, it's unassuming. And you just kind of knock them out for a while, you know? You're really mad at them and you just want them to go away, but not for good, because that's not nice. But someone's lipping off to you and you're just like, they're out like a baby for like eight hours. Honey, why did you leave the toilet seat up? What's going on? Why did you leave your dirty dishes all over the counter? I mean, I come home from work every day, and it's a...

Oh! Daddy, Daddy, I want to go to the ballpark. I want to go to the movies. I want to go to the mall. I want to... Oh. Hey, man, what are you doing? Looking at my girlfriend.

You want me to come over there and punch you in the... Oh, yeah. Just take people out for a while, man. I mean, those tribal... Indians, those rainforest people, they're smart. They know what they're doing. So let's follow that lead. And anyone we don't

want to hear anything more from, we can just... It's Harlan Williams. Yeah, you wish. You're not taking me out that easy. How many of you have ever seen a whale? I'm talking about a giant whale

in the ocean. How many of you have heard a whale. You know, the whale song, the wail song, the... Ewee... Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Don't throw your back out. I don't know. Maybe a lot of you. Maybe not a lot of you. But listen to this. Every Thursday, okay, in my neighborhood, on my street, a pod of whales goes down my road. Yeah, let me explain, okay? Thursday is garbage day in my neighborhood.

Okay? And we've got three different. types of garbage. We got three different colored garbage cans, bins, containers, whatever you call them. At the end of all our driveways, we have a green container, okay, that you put all your clippings in, your grass, your leaves, your twigs, your brush, all right? That's for all the organic material. Then we have black garbage cans that you put your standard kitchen garbage in, your uh you know your uh your uh your scraps your uh you know any any type of junk any garbage like plastic or paper or whatever and then we have a blue garbage can and that one's for recyclables

like recyclable types of uh paper any type of cardboard newspaper anything that's not covered with like pizza juice and you know soy milk and crap like that right so we got blue we got black and we got green garbage bins and here's the deal we have these huge garbage trucks they look they look like vehicles out of the terminator movies you know when you watch the terminator and they do the flash forward to the future where all the skeletal terminators are wandering around and then you got these crazy futuristic machines driving through fields of skulls. So I get these giant blue

garbage trucks. And I live in a very hilly area. And three different ones have to come through every Thursday. We got the one for the paper. We got the one for the kitchen garbage. We got the one for the organics. Okay? And these things are huge.

And they have a big mechanical arm. It's not like the old days. Okay? where a couple of guys rode on the back of the garbage truck and jumped out and grabbed your garbage can. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's gone. These giant monsters, these blue behemoths,

they have a big giant mechanical arm like Robocop or the space arm on the shuttle. This thing comes flying off, grabs the garbage bin, lifts it up, flips it upside. down, shakes it violently. I mean, if you put it in the human world, it would be like someone who shakes their baby. That's how violent it looks. It's like, and these garbage containers, they just, they're battered. They have cracked lids and broken wheels and dense and lacerations and grapefruit stains and coffee grind.

They're just horrible. They look like they're good for about two weeks. and then they just look they should be in a battered garbage can home home for the battered garbage can it's it's almost sad i almost want to i almost want to go down to them my driveway and cradle the garbage cans in my arms and go it's going to be all right it's okay can i put some more warm lemon water on you and moisten those wounds so anyways uh let's get back to the whales swimming through my neighborhood so these giant trucks come every thursday and uh they're big they're heavy they're titanic these things are huge and um when they go down all the hills in my neighborhood

i'm not kidding they have these brakes that are out of control their brakes sound like whale calls okay their brakes are pumping and grinding and they're they're constantly popping to pick up garbage cans and, and they've got to slow their roll as they're going down these hills. It's like, in fact, you know what? Here's what I did to prove it. I got behind one of these the other day.

I was leaving my house, and I got in behind a garbage, one of the garbage trucks while it was making its run. And I'll play a little sample of what the whale call sounds like. Now, you're going to hear a bit of wind on this recording. Because, you know, I'm driving behind it very slowly, but I stuck my phone out the window so I can catch the enchanting, beautiful, mysterious whale call. You know, maybe I should stand at the end of my driveway with candles and chant every time. Come on, everybody, the whales are coming.

Oh, Lila, it's the running of the whales. Heelah. Anyways, take a listen to this. This is real. This is me following a whale-slash garbage truck through my neighborhood, going down the hills, and it starts doing whale songs to me. You hear that? Listen.

That's the baby whale. Now, here comes the mother. What the hell? Three of those trucks going down. Is that not? That's a whale song. I'm going to throw shrimp at the end of my driveway. Here, wailie.

Here, wailie. Have some shrimp. Maybe I'll litter the end of my driveway with scallops. so the whales can feed. Maybe throw some seaweed out there so they can flap around. Can you believe that, man? Friggin' whales going through my neighborhood. So there you go.

I don't know if you have that, but God bless the whales. Greenpeace forever. Maybe I'll stand out there in a green, put some green piece signs up, save the whales. Or hell, maybe I should just go down to the end of my driveway with a harpoon and throw one right into that damn thing. Pop the tires. Slam a big harpoon into the side. Grab a bunch of my Eskimo friends.

We skin it up. Boil it up, have dinner, eat a garbage truck. No? I'm going too far. I'm preaching to the choir. I'm preaching to the whale choir. This is Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello?

Hey, how's it going, man? Who is this? Uh, it's Eddie? Are you? Eddie? Eddie? Yeah, man, it's going to see if you wanted to throw a barbecue together today. Uh, who's Eddie?

Well, from the hardware store? I think you have the wrong number. Maybe throw some ribs around and lay down some fish. Hello? Hello? Hello? What the fuck? That was Eddie.

He wants to party. But they just hang up. Here's one for you that you might not have ever tried. This one goes out to all my swinging singles. All the swinging singles out there. Hell, you know who you are. The ones that prowl through the nightclubs and the bars and the libraries and look for single women or single men.

And some of you are pretty good at it. You know, you probably score more than you don't score. And you might even be getting a little bored of it. So here's a little exercise you can try. that's going to shake things up a little bit. Next time guys or girls, you pick up a certain someone and you bring them home and you're going to seduce them into your bed,

drag them into the sack. Here's what you do. You get all naked, and before you get under the sheets, get some king-sized giant jumbo shrimp. Get about like eight of them. Run them under the cold water, defrost them. And before you get into the sack with your unsuspecting new lover,

toss the jumbo shrimp under the sheets. And as you're rolling around and your unsuspecting new lover starts to feel these weird, clammy things rubbing up against his or her skin. And when they finally stop in the middle of lovemaking and go, Okay, something keeps touching me And I don't know what it is Just look at them in the eye Really seriously and go

Oh Didn't I tell you about my leprosy? Oh, I'm sorry Yeah, I got the leprosy If I get too active Things starts to fall off Yeah, if I move around too much I drop things

Yeah Where are you going? Hey, come back Come back I got cocktail dip Come back. That's just mean. But at least after they leave, you got a nice, yummy seafood snack right there in bed. Hey, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating shrimp cocktail.

Hell, oh, yes, leprosy. You don't really hear about leprosy much anymore, do you? Do you miss it? Do you miss it? That had to be one of the weirder ones. Just random body parts falling off. You know, you go to shake a guy's hand, and when you pull your arm away, his hand,

your hand is still in his hand, right? Imagine you're a punter on a football team. You do that big run-up to the football. You see the ball fly through the crossbars, and then you see your leg go after it. You see a leg twirl through. the air oh god you go bowling right big wind up your balls starts flopping down the alley your your hand and your arm are still in the holes and i don't even want to get into like

you know trying to have sex as a leper your girlfriend's like oh oh baby oh i can feel you are you in me and you're like uh yeah by the way i'm in the kitchen uh can i get you a sandwich or something would you would you like a grape juice wait a minute wait i thought you said you were in me i am my penis snapped off about half an hour ago can i get would you like a grilled cheese or a BLT or something? Ah! Oh, God. Good old...

Nothing like the old leprosy humor, huh? What a way to end the show on leprosy. But end the show we must. You know, we always come to this point, which is sad. But, hey, what are you going to do? It's time to go. What can I tell you?

Let's do some announcements and close up the funny box. So let's see. What can I tell you? Tomorrow night, which will be Tuesday, June 19th. Yours, Trulie, and my comedian buddy, Sean Tweedley, we will be doing the Apple Tree Boys sketch comedy show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, 8 o'clock, get your tickets at flappers, or you can walk in, or you can get them online. It's an all sketch comedy kind of night where we take suggestions from the crowd, and we do characters,

and we do sketches and skits, and it's a whole lot of fun, so make sure you're there for that. And then Friday, June 22nd, myself and Tom Green, whoa, I just got some green stuck in my throat. Me and Funny Man Tom Green, we're doing a stand-up comedy show live together at the Canyon Club in Ventura County in Los Angeles, California. Go online and check out the Canyon Club, and you can order tickets for that. going to be a lot of fun. That's an 8 p.m. start time. And then the following week, yes, indeed, June 28th, Cleveland, Ohio. I will be at Hilarities, Hilarities Comedy Club, Pickwick, and Frollock.

Get your tickets for that. It's a great venue. And don't forget, check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out the new YouTube page. Subscribe and catch up on all my wacky videos. It's YouTube backslash Harlan Williams. You can join my Twitter page at Harlan Williams. You can join my Facebook page, Harlan Williams.

It's incredible. Don't forget to check out the store at Harlan Williams.com. You can pick up any goofy merch that you like and all that crazy stuff. So there you go. Big show today. Lots of ground cover. I'm sure a lot of you would like to cover me under the ground. What's that mean?

But unfortunately, we're out of time so you can't bury me alive. But the good side is we'll see you again. We'll talk to you again very soon right here at the Harland Highway. And until next time, my friends, chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.