The Harland Highway - 407: Listener mail bag, Romantic letters, Annoying Orange

Episode Date: June 21, 2012

Today we read your letters to the Highway, Harland on a new TV show, law suit from a fat guy, and romantic letters form Samuel E. Quouck. Sizzle my drizzle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Haidly, haughtily, haidelie, haidelie, haidelie, ho. All right, weird, but we're in. We're in. Nonetheless, we're in. Welcome, everybody to the Harland Highway. It is me, Harland, talking to you. And an incredible show today. A lot going on.

We have a listener mailbag. This is where I actually read some of your emails that you sent. end to the Harland Highway. And we have some great letters, some interesting letters, some probing letters, some angry letters. It's all here. And I will get to those later in the show. We also have an interview with an airline passenger, a very hefty man who ran into some

trouble and actually got kicked off of an airplane. We've got him here for an interview. And also, I'm going to tell you about, there's been a rumor circulating about a new show that I'm on, a new TV show, and the rumors are true. I'll fill you in on what it is in just a few minutes. And also, we have a special guest coming in the studio today. Summer's here, and it's Romance and Summer and Samuel E. Quirk will be here reading his romantic letters here on the Harlan. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, everybody, you are rolling down the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harland Williams. There was a thing in the paper yesterday about a man who was kicked off of an airplane, a domestic flight here in the old U.S. because he was too heavy, apparently too fat.

They refused to lift off with a man of his girth. Donnie Carter from Minnesota, and we have them here today. Donnie, what happened? Where were you going and tell us how this played out? I was flying from Pittsburgh to Seattle, and I boarded the plane, and I was about to sit down. I had the middle seat in the row, and the flight attendant and pilot came back and said I couldn't fly.

Now, are you going to, they physically pulled you off the plane? Yeah, they physically helped me out of my chair. So you're already sitting? Well, I was kind of leaning on the armrest. I was working my way into the chair. Okay. Did the armrest, I don't mean to be graphic, but did it get caught lost in one of your roles? Or did it go up into your...

Okay, look, I don't need comments like that. No, I just, it sounds like you're a very large man. I'm looking at you here. Right. And I just, those little armrests on those seats, I could see you leaning on it, and it's just being maybe absorbed right into your... Okay, no, look.

They started going, oh, look, he's got food on his chest, which I didn't. Well, what was on your chest? Well, I mean, I spilled food the day before, but it washed out. It was just the state. It was a little barbecue sauce. Oh, God.

Well, I mean, I don't mean to, but, you know, that's... No, it's, well, I think we're all with it. So you're covered in food, and you go in, and you go to sit down, and you squish two other passengers. Right. No, I asked to, you know, I mean, I gave them the bud. I could have walked, turned and walked face, you know, in front of them and walked in, but I gave him the butt as I went. Oh, God. Well, that's better than, you know, the frontal.

So this pilot came back. I hate to say it, but the front, just, it looks like the back. Your front is just as rounded as your back, and I'm not, no, I'm just saying you're very... I'm big-boned, I understand. Okay, so is there any legal recourse for you in a situation like this? Well, absolutely. I mean, look, you tell me, anybody, you know, you can't fly the friendly skies at all, because, you know, unless you weigh 180 pounds, apparently. Well, we certainly fly the flabby skies

All right No, I didn't mean that, but you're just You know, I hear that abuse all the time I understand a big boned It's not bones, sir It's, I'm sorry, we all have bones inside And bones don't grow fat You're just pushing it

I'm not pushing it, but I'm sick and tired Of people like you Blaming your disorder on society Your bones don't grow fat, your flesh does Make bigger seats I mean, look, look, how many times have you been on a flight and you said, I wish this seat was bigger, right? You know, you know what I've said?

I said, I wish this fat guy wasn't sitting beside me, is what I've said. Guys like you who come in with an ass growing out of the front, I mean, I'm sorry, sir. I don't know if I'm with you on this one. How can you say that? What if I was in a wheelchair? Would you say, hey, look, you're in a wheelchair? You can't fly on a plane?

I don't know if they have wheelchairs with truck wheels on them, sir. I mean... Look, I'm not... I'm trying to be sensitive, but, you know, you're sitting here, and I still see some... There's a pat of butter right over your breast pocket there. Right, right, okay. Can you just...

Could you take that off? It's a little square of butter from a restaurant, sir? Oh, I mean, look, I must have fell on my lap. I didn't see it. Well, get it off. I mean, for God's sakes. How are people... And I'm trying to have some sympathy here for you.

But how are people supposed to have sympathy when you're walking around, slathering gravy and squishing people and making ridiculous demands when all you really have to do, sir, is exercise and cut down on the Baskin Robbins? Look, my eating disorder is not why I'm on this show. I'm here to get my story out so people like me don't have to be afraid to fly. Well, I think the real story here is that fatties have to, you know, can you not get your stomach stapled or welded shut or something? I know. Why should I have to change when the planes and these chairs and these wafy little Paris Hilton girls could change? Sir, I don't want to point this out, but it looks like the chair you're sitting in right now is the legs are bending.

Can you just... Do you want me to stand up? I think you better just stand up because I think you're about to come. crushed that chair. Are you okay? Well, it takes me a minute to... You can't even get up. Oh my God, you can't get up.

I have to sit down, a little lightheaded. You just... Looks like some... A little piece of meat just fell off your shirt. Oh, could you help me pick that up? Okay. Sir, I think we're done here. uh okay uh donnie carters here ladies and gentlemen sir i i don't mean to but you're just you've got

butter and meat all over the floor here i think maybe you should just go because i'm for one don't feel the sympathy if that's what you feel then that's fine i'll leave okay thank you good thank you for coming in do you know the cafeteria downstairs is it open now cafeteria is on the third floor right and it's open and yes there's a freight elevator you can in the back okay well thank you for doing what you did donnie carter sorry about your chair going toe to toe with the airlines over his obesity issues i'm going to go and shower off or something watch your calories people oh and speaking Speaking of food, yes, I must confirm the rumors.

People have been asking me, and I kind of kept it under wraps, but let's let the cat out of the bag. Let's let the orange out of the crate. Yes, I do a bunch of voices on the new annoying orange show on Cartoon Network. As you know, there's or may not know, There's a crazy internet viral video called Annoying Orange, and it's a video about an orange with eyes and teeth, and it's annoying.

It just talks to all the other fruits and gives them crap and causes trouble, and he's like, hey, hey, what you doing? What's you doing? Hey, you want to go, what's going on? What's going on? Like, he's just like, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's got an annoying laugh and annoying voice. And I don't do the voice of the orange.

That's done by the creator. But they made this viral video into a show, a TV show that's on a cartoon network. It's called The Annoying Orange. And I do about, I don't know, six or seven different characters on the show. I do the apple that gets killed every show. I do a couple of the bananas. I've done a squash. I've done a pickle.

I've done a, I think I've done a pineapple. pineapple. I mean, I'm losing track of all the different fruits I'm doing. And that didn't sound good, what I just said there. How often do you hear a guy say, I'm losing track of all the different fruits I'm doing? I just said it. And I mean, on the annoying orange show. But I'm having a ton of fun. It's cool. I'm doing a whole bunch of different characters that I created. and what's weird about it is with traditional voice work, you just go in and you talk into a microphone. But on this show, they actually film part of me.

They filled my eyes and they film my mouth, and they superimpose it onto the different fruits that I'm doing. There I said it again. They superimpose my eyes and my mouth on to the various fruits that I'm voicing. How's that? And so, you know, if you ever, if you're a fan of me and you just want to see my beautiful eyes and my voluptuous mouth,

but you don't care for the rest of me, like you're just an eyes and lips guy, you got to watch me on annoying orange because that's where I do those voices. uh so check it out let me know if you like the show uh it's a lot of fun it's kooky it's crazy and i'm having a blast so annoying orange and cartoon network i think it comes on after adventure time um let me know what you think three two three seven three nine four three zero and speaking of letting me know what you think.

Guess what time it is? It is time for the Harland Highway. Listener Mailbag. Here we go. Letters. Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today.

Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters, let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy. Mailman, mail today. Hey, all right, here we go. As you know, folks, I have you write in with your comments, your concerns, your criticisms, your life questions here at the Harlan Highway. you can always write me at harland williams.com and here we go let's get to some of your letters

these are from real you know listeners real pavement pounders and let's do it let's get to the first letter here we go this is from uh looks like jojo says the podcast hey harland i just want to let you know how grateful i am for your podcast. They brighten my day. See, well, that makes me happy. When I am sad, your podcast makes me happy. When I am blue, the Harlan Highway turns me purple in brackets with laughter. See, that's why I do this show. Right there, when I am sad, your podcast makes me happy. They brighten my

days. When I'm blue, I turn purple. Wait a minute. What is this? guy a plum this guy what is a i got a smurf listening to the show when i am blue so i got i got an avatar listening to my show um he continues on he says i sometimes splice in parts of your show onto my own little radio thingy i record once a week here in winnipeg so i guess this uh jojo has a little radio or whatever something he does and he uh puts little snippets of my show in there for comedy relief and uh and uh winnipeg is a cold city up in uh in canada in the province of uh manitoba um and then lastly says i also sometimes cover myself in vaseline and slide dance on hardwood surfaces out

Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend. or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be

an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you,

no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to camping, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. Ouch, I hope you're not naked, okay? Because one word splinter in the fishlinty.

Oh, oh, oh, Charles. Nelson, yeah, oh, Riley, you all. Anyways, he continues, he says, thanks so much, Harland, chicken chowmaine brother, Jojo. Hey, Jojo, you are welcome. I'm glad we put a smile on your face, and there you go. So let's move on to our next letter.

All right. Who do we have? We have Brian Rosenbaum. Okay. A quick little letter from Brian says, subject, where are podcasts one through 42? And then his letter says, where are podcasts one through 42? So minimal effort put into that letter. But nonetheless, a good question. You know what? One through 42 are available. I'm going to find them and kind of put them up. as archives. The reason they're not up there is because when we started the podcast, we were using one system, and then we realized there was a better system to deliver the podcast.

So we switched over, and as a result, the early, early shows 1 through 42 got lost in the shuffle, but we do have them here, and what we'll do is we'll start to put those up as uh you know archived um you know whatever so there you go um let's go to the next letter all right here we go this is from come on open up there we go schven sveen schven oh i don't know right about now Okay, that's Schwen. I'm guessing maybe from, you know, the Netherlands, maybe from IKEA, I don't know. But Schedden's subject is thoughts about life and hot dogs.

And as common is, I was just thinking and wondering about the ants. Why do they collect stack and finally live in the pile of, sorry for the lack of linguistic knowledge, tree nettles. I guess he means like, you know, pine, pine needles or something? I don't know. Was there a singular ant that decided to start piling the pointy, prickly tree thingies? How smart are these insects?

Are they made by God to do that? Not all ants live in those mounts. Some live in underground tunnels and some live in big clay sand towers. They are not the same family of ants, but why don't they all do the same things? Is there some kind of knowledge? And if there is, what does it say about humans? Think about it.

If humans were to be stripped of our brains and work on an instinctual base, would we become like the zombies in the movies and wander around the globe eating each other, or do we start piling big mountains of junk and start living in them like good old ants? What do you think? would mankind do if our brains would stop thinking and become like insects would we roll around

in cow dung molest flowers dig tunnels underground finally sorry if my english caused you headaches jerry wow uh okay yeah i do have a headache thanks for that too too many questions and uh but they're important questions um and i didn't see any reference to hut dogs in there. It said thoughts about life and hot dogs and all it really was was about ants. But I don't know. I don't know why they

collect tree nettles. And I don't know who the first ant was to, you know, start living in clay and sand towers and living underground. Maybe ants were above the ground for many centuries.

And they're like, you know what, man? Too many of us have been getting hit with melanoma okay this sun thing really isn't working out for us i'll tell you what gang we're going underground oh and also in the event of a nuclear attack from north korea or china um we're going to be safe because we live underground okay so the upside to living uh above ground skin cancer and mushroom clouds and nuclear fallout um and the upside to living underground uh constantly uh cool temperatures um and uh you know it's groovy and dark and we can put up disco lights

i don't know and do you think we'll become like insects yeah i think we're already like insects okay we already march around if if you're wondering if we're like ants next time you're flying in from anywhere, or you're flying anywhere, just take a look down in the big city you're flying over and take a look at the highways, okay? And take note of all the cars. Some of them all going in one direction in lines and all the other cars going in the other direction of lines, and then getting off their exit ramps. And just imagine that those are ants and that somebody's cut open an ant nest and you'll see we're very very similar to ants okay so there you go schven and your english wasn't bad i hope my answer was okay um but thought

provoking but we have to move on and uh i hope schven you uh go outside later and catch a grasshopper in your mandibles and eat it. All right, next letter. Here we go. Here is a letter from William Adams. Uh, subject, romantic letters. Oh, okay. Comment, hi, Harland.

Just have to say that the romantic letters read by Samuel E. Quowke are fucking hilarious. I am making some chicken fingers right now. Killing myself laughing. Keep it up, man. It's a treat from Bill. well how about that yeah nothing nothing's better than a good romantic letter and i'll tell you what why don't we play one later in the show because i know he's coming in today samuel eight quouk and uh we'll uh we'll lay down uh you know some more romantic vibes from him and uh yeah

nothing spells more romance more than uh chicken fingers man nothing like uh you know lighting some candles and putting on some kannie g and and inviting a haughty over and deep-frying some chicken fingers. Yeah. What's for dessert? Jello? All right, thanks for the letter. Enjoy your chicken fingers. Watch out for ants.

Let's get to another letter here quickly. All right, here is a letter from a lovely lady, Melanie Mulligan. Oh, I like that name. I like names with the same letters at the beginning. Like Willie Wonka. Melanie Mulligan. I wonder if Melanie Mulligan and Willie Wonka got married. What kind of kids they have.

You know, they name their kids Slippery Sam and Bobby Bingo. Corny Crackle Crunch. No, I don't know. Anyways, let's get to her letter. Hey, Harland, I heard your little rant about knitting, and I just wanted to let you know that I knit. My grandma taught me when I was little, and now that she's gone, it's something very special to me.

Yes, maybe it's easier to buy something, but what's more special than something handmade would love? I would knit you something, but you obviously won't appreciate it. Thanks for all the laughs and making the workday a little more tolerable. Oh, boy, I feel some guilt. But I went on a little riff a few podcasts ago about knitting and how it was outdated and just took forever. And I wasn't really knocking the skill of it or the sentimental value.

I guess I just thought in this day and age of like computers and, you know, iPads and technology and everybody wanting everything so fast. The concept of knitting just seemed like so, you know, our. antiquated. It just seemed like who the hell would do it, you know? To me it's like instead of buying a car, you get a horse and a wagon. But that being said, yes.

I get it that sometimes it's a tradition that's passed on and that it does take you know, some skill and that there is a lot of love and tenderness put into knitting. My aunt who is an avid knitter

has knitted me blankets and sweaters and things over the years and you can almost feel the love emanating from these items because you know that they sat there for hours and hours and hours and made this thing and when you're making something and you have someone in mind,

you're thinking about the person as you're knitting. So I get it. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings too bad with my rant. I do appreciate it And you know what If you want to knit me something You can knit me a scarf That says FU Harlan

You knitting, bashing loser How about that? Could you knit me that? No, don't do it I don't wear scarfs But good for you And I'm glad you like the show You're one of those people that listens to it at work

Which I think is great I love knowing that people are at work toiling away and I'm in their ear being absurd and making them laugh. So Melody Mulligan, if I see Willy Wonka, I'll send them your way and you guys can knit yourself some little babies. All right, let's move on. Jamie. Jamie says, I love your podcast. Okay, thank you, Jamie. He says, hi, hi, Harlan. Just wanted to tell you I absolutely love the Harlan.

Highway and think you are just a great person with a good heart. Well, thank you. I think you are hilarious, but I especially like when you riff serious stuff about life and how we should all treat each other. Well, cool. Also, Joe Rogan spoke very highly of you on his latest podcast. I'm 34, and I consider you like an older brother I never had. Peace, nice teets, Jamie.

I don't know what peace, nice teets means, but maybe he thinks I'm his older brother that has nice tits. Well, thank you. You know, I'm glad you mentioned when I riff on the serious stuff because, you know, I like to mix it up a little here. I like to go bizarre and kooky and just have fun. But I also like to kind of talk about things that are serious in life and affect us, and I'm glad you enjoy both sides.

both dimensions of the show and thank you for listening Jamie let's move on just a couple more here all right this is from Chris Chris and his subject is old buildings in L.A. I guess I talked about how L.A. was a little bit

run down and a lot of old buildings that kind of don't have much architectural value and it looks like somebody got a bug in their butt over this uh chris says hey harland heard you talking about the old buildings in l a area i've been down there several times and i think the older buildings are for the most part pleasing to the eye and should be restored instead of just demolished history is important you as a canadian in capital letters should know that so shut up idiot wow wow

Whoa, hello. Shut up, idiot. Obviously hit a cord with Chris there, but I think what you might have missed Chris is I was talking about when I said L.A., I'd say, you know, 10% of the architecture here is stunning. It's amazing. There's some incredible buildings,

Art Deco buildings, historical, you know, you know, entertainment industry buildings like the Man's Chinese Theater. Every city has its gems. But for the most part, and I live here, you said you've been here a couple of times. So I'm guessing you were a tourist and you probably went to, you know, some of the more popular spots. Maybe not. Maybe you were here on an architect tour. I don't know.

But as a guy who's lived here for 20 years and driven all over. L.A., and believe me, L.A. is not like your standard city. L.A. is massive, and it's spread out all over the place. L.A. is bigger than some small countries. And 90% of the buildings in L.A., in my opinion, are gross little strip malls, shopping malls. Hey, we know you probably hit play to escape your business banking, not think about it. But what if we told you there was a way to skip over the pressures of banking? By matching with the TD Small Business Account Manager, you can get the proactive business banking advice and support your business needs. Ready to press play? Get up to $2,700 when you

open select Small Business Banking products. Yep, that's $2,700 to turn up your business. Visit TD.com slash Small Business Match to learn more. Conditions apply. Plywood and plaster, and it's not pretty. Look, I don't know where else you've been. I've been to cities all over the planet, okay? I've been all over the globe. I've seen castles in Edinburgh, Scotland. I've been to the Taj Mahal.

I've been to Italy. I've been to Spain. I've been to Germany. I've been to France. I've been up the Eiffel Tower. I've been to South America. I mean, I've been to Australia. I've been everywhere.

man okay and so i'm not just saying this you know because i got a chip on my shoulder about la there's it's it's not a beautiful city and again yes there are some great buildings that should be restored should be saved absolutely agree with you there no doubt but what i wish is that they'd rip the rest of the crap down because i have to see it everywhere i go and put up things it have some architectural merit, have some curb appeal, have some depth, have some beauty, have some originality. So there you go. I have to fight my position.

Anyone that calls me an idiot, obviously I have to push back. So I love it right at the end. So shut up, idiot. If I did that, I'd have no podcast, okay? But I appreciate your point of view. I appreciate your opposition to what I said. I hope I've clarified myself for you, Chris or Christopher. Maybe not.

Maybe I tried my best. And I'm not the type of guy that just likes to rip down historical buildings. But what I'm saying is I hope that we build it. enough great buildings today so that 80 years down the road, people look at them and go, oh, my God, we've got to keep that up, we've got to restore it, we've got to cherish it, as opposed to 80 years down the road, we offer future generations 20,000 miles of strip malls and crappy-looking cardboard cut-out houses and blah, blah, blah. So there you go.

Let's get to one more letter here, and then we've got to close up the listener mail. bag here we go all right here we go let's see this is from kyle and uh the topic is sports fishing bc it says hey harlan wanted to know if there was any way to buy or get the episode of sports fishing bc with you and henry winkler i've been searching all over the internet for days and can't find it anywhere i thought it was awesome and need to find a copy Well, hey, guess what, buddy? You're in luck, Kyle. I did a fishing show with Henry Winkler, the Fawns.

And it was a lot of fun. And you can now view the episodes. It's been cut up into four little short episodes, and you can view them on my new YouTube page, which is YouTube backslash Harlan Williams. Go on to YouTube. I'm my page and you can watch the Harland and Henry Fishing Hour, which is only 30 minutes long, oddly enough.

But we had a lot of fun. Henry Winkler, the Fonz and I went out fishing up in British Columbia for a great big giant salmon. And we actually pull up a few. It's a great little funny show. Check it out at the Harlan Williams YouTube page. Subscribe while you're there and keep abreast of all my latest. videos.

So that's it. Let's close it up. That's it. Thank you for your letters. Keep them coming. I love to hear what's on your mind. I love your insults,

your comments, your praise, your questions, whatever you got. It's all fair game. Here at the Harland Highway. Thank you, pavement pounders. And until next time,

let's close up. The listener, Mailbag. Another letter from our listeners' day. Well, incredible, incredible letters from listeners like you. Thank you so much, everybody, for writing in. I love hearing the feedback. The pavement pounders have spoken.

And obviously we don't get to all the letters, but, you know, we pick out a few of them here and there, and, you know, please write in, and maybe you'll hear your letter read in the Harland Highway listener mailbag. And why don't we close up the show, as promised, on an upnote, what's more upbeat than romance? And one of our letter writers who was addicted to chicken fingers mentioned how much he enjoyed the romantic letters of Samuel E. Quowke,

who's a regular guest on the show, and just a wonderful, flowery, poetic type of guy who just, you know, proves the notion that romance is not dead. So let's get them into here. Samuel, come on in. Let's, yeah, just take a seat right there. Thank you very much. uh how are you i'm doing good i'm here to read a romantic letter yes i know that's why we have you here

could we get on with it please oh well i was just building you i don't need any accolades please get on with it shall we well i was just trying to tell the crowd that you uh had this kind of way with words and this flowing kind of romance i would rather let my letters speak for themselves thank you Thank you very much. I'm Samuel E. Quoak. Yes, we don't... May I proceed? Well, yes.

Go ahead. Wow, a little bit of an attitude. Do you mind? Go ahead. Thank you very much. All right, what are you doing? I'm opening my letter. Okay, well, it seems to be taking a while.

What is that? On a scroll? Do you mind with your horrible attempts at comedy? Wow! Okay, hurry up. Hurry, read the damn letter! Thank you very much. Dear darling, I'll never forget the warm summer night

when a collection of us gathered in the farmer's field and we stood under a star-lit canopy and lit a wonderful bonfire. We all stood around, cherishing each other's company, telling old wives' tales and stories of flight and fancy. And as the night drew on, we slowly snuggled up to each other,

a cup of warm cocoa in our hands. the magnetism between the two of us was palpitable and I couldn't stop staring in your eyes your warm gentle face framed in the flicker from the fire your beautiful blonde flowing hair coming down the sides of your cheeks your soft skin almost glowing in the darkness and as we sat there and mesmerized by each other a single spark crackled out of the fire and drifted through the night sky and somehow precariously landed in your hair it wasn't long till your hair lit up in flames your whole head engulfed in a series of giant orange leaping flames the smell and the rotten stench of burning hair, permeating the night,

people gasping for breath, covering their mouths. You screeched like a cat being run over by a truck. Excuse me! Do you mind? What are you doing? I'm reading a romantic letter. You're sitting at a campfire. That's what I said.

And a spark flies out of the fire and lights her hair up? Do you mind, please? I'm in the middle of my letter. Dude, it's the smell of burnt hair. Do you mind? Oh, God, keep going. Get it over with. Thank you very much.

You screeched like a cat with a harpoon up its spine. You stood, you couldn't see. You flailed around in the dark. You looked like a burning scarecrow, twirling in circles, running around in the farmer's field. Everyone stood up in shock. No one knowing what to do.

Maybe out of fear, maybe out of instinct. All of us started to pick up rocks and throw them at you. We can hear them thumping heavily against your body. Through your screams of agony as you ran through the night like an Olympic torch, lighting up the sky. Now your whole body in flame. Do you mind? Stop it!

You almost did my line. What line? Do you mind? I did do it. please don't. Okay! Would you knock... This isn't romantic anymore?

I'm afraid you have little knowledge of romance. Now, if you don't mind... What do you mean I have little knowledge? Look at you. All right, finish your letter and get out of here, Quowk. Thank you very much.

I remember as we took you to the hospital and you laid in your hospital bad nurses and doctors being quite attentive. Nursing your burns, your full body, fifth degree burns

with soft lemon water and camad meal. I'll never forget how you stood up, disoriented, your eyelids seed shut, your nostril holes as wide as silver dollars

because your nose had been burnt off your face. No more fingers on your hands. Just burnt nubs and you walked out in the hall wondering where you were what happened people screamed and cried and ran and fear that they had just laid witness to some kind of cinematic monster they grabbed you and pushed you down the stairs they pulled what was left of your hair maybe four or five strands and jammed your head in the elevator door slamming it repeatedly over and over trying to kill the beast that lurked within.

All right. Do you mind, please? Cut it out, Guy. What is your... No, don't even try. Excuse me. You know, being burnt is a serious thing. People are in burn wards,

and you're talking about a woman with the numb fingers and three pieces of hair left, and they think she's a Frankenstein... monster and they grab her and put her in a just put her head in the elevator door and slam it back and forth as if she's not in enough pain? Yes, exactly. Do you mind if I

finish? You're done. There's still a little more. No, get out. You are done. This is disgusting, vile. This is anything but romantic. Sickoid. I'll never forget as they picked her up from the elevator. ran down the length of the hall,

much similar to the way the lion from Wizard of Oz ran down the glass hall, seven or eight orderlies grabbing her by her elbow and tossing her through the 15-story window. She careened through the air and crashed in a crooked lump down on the lawn. Stop it! Everyone gathered around. They thought she was a piece of modern art standing crippled and tortured on the floor. front lawn of the hospital.

She won a major award. Get out of here! I'm not finished. Get out! She won a major award. There, I'm finished. What do you mean she won a major award? They thought she was a piece of modern art. This twisted, burnt, demented woman

that you apparently loved, yes, did before she became a charbroiled cheeseburger. Stop it! She won a ward They thought she was a piece of modern art Nulled and twisted on the front lawn Of the hospital You are sick, get out of here

Get the hell out of here right now The crows flew down And picked her skin off Like strips of bacon And hungrily gobbled it up Get out! Her eyeballs like hard Christmas candies Get out!

Wow. I just need to take a breath here for a second. What a creep. Unbelievable creep. I mean, who comes up with that stuff? Roger, I don't know if we can have that guy anymore. Just like really, really creepy crap. His skin bubbled up like wrinkled testicle meat.

Get out! Roger get him out of the building her burnt testicle skin meat ah all right let's let's get out of that sorry we had to end the show on that actually I blame one of my writers one of the guys wrote wanted that guy and I kind of forgot how twisted that guy is Anyways, that's it. That's the show. Hope you had a groovy time.

Keep your letters coming. Harlowwilliams.com. Or you can call me and leave a message at 323-739-4330. Don't forget to check out the new YouTube channel. It's a beautiful thing. It's YouTube backslash. Harlan Williams. Check out the Henry Winkler,

the Fonds and me fishing together. Don't forget our Facebook page. Facebook.com backslash official Harlan Williams. You can join me at Twitter at Harlan Williams. Don't forget harlorn Williams.com. God, there's just too much stuff. Check out our store at the website Harlan Williams.com. and if you want to see me live in action, here's the good stuff.

If you want to see me doing some stand-up, I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, at Hilarities Comedy Club, right downtown in Cleveland, the Pickwick and Frollock Theater. Hilarities, make sure you get your tickets in advance because we always kick ass at that club. So it's going to be a great time. And that's it, man. that's all the time we have for today hope you enjoyed yourself and thanks for listening

and until next time chicken chow maine baby barbecue to broiled get out