The Harland Highway - 409: GEORGE MICHAEL FROM WHAM calls in. Smoking kills

Episode Date: June 28, 2012

GEORGE MICHAEL FROM WHAM calls in. Smoking and how it kills you, taking tickets, kissing smokers, tornadoes are coming. Glump an underwater pump!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, it's me, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you. Welcome, everybody. Oh, what a show we have today. What a treat. It's going to be a lot of fun, got all kinds of stuff going on, a little bit of serious stuff, a little bit of funny. We're going to be talking about smoking, the devastation of smoking, the pros and cons, the effects it has on the health, on our country, on humanity. We're going to be talking about when you kiss a smoker.

How about getting a ticket? You ever have to get a ticket to get into a parking garage or a restaurant or something? We're going to be talking about that experience. Tornadoes, it's tornadoes. I hope you don't live in a trailer park because for some reason they're hungry. Tornadoes are hungry for trailers.

We'll get into that. And then a call coming in from George Michael from Wham. Oh, God. Just so annoying. I don't know how the guy gets through. But he does, and who knows what he'll be pestering me about today. George Michael from Wham and so much more. All for you today on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here?

Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, this is Harland.

Harland Williams, your host on the Harlan Highway. And this is what I sound like normally. But if I was a smoker... I promise I like this. You know what I mean? You know how those smokers sound? You know, they sound like this. It sound like they should be in a mafia or something.

Yeah, isn't that a sexy voice? And that was a woman I was just doing. Okay, that was a woman's voice. Check out my new dress I bought it the mall. It's a little spring number with flowers on it. It goes great with my cement high heel shoes. Oh my god How about the smoker's breath

Ugh Even a hot chick And spoil the fun with that man You like go in for the kiss It feels like you're in the butt lounge At the airport man Oh, man, your breath smells like an old greyhound bussy. What's the matter? You don't want to kiss me no more.

What's the matter just because my breath smells like a greyhound bussy? You don't want to kiss me no more, sugar pie? No, I don't want to kiss you no more, Sally. He smelled like a pair of Janice Joplin sandals. After she's been jumping around at Woodstock and all the sweat. from her greasy hair has been dripping down her body right to her feet

soaking into her sandals I don't see the problem doll come here and kiss me come on give mama a little smoochy come Highland Williams

Rather go to the zoo and puck her up for a baboon Oh, smoking. And have you seen these commercials they have on TV? Oh, they're hideous, man. It's like watching a horror movie. They have these commercials where, you know, they show like a beautiful girl,

and then they show her kind of, they do like a time lapse progressing through her life. And then they come to, they show pictures of her. they come to the real woman and i'm telling you man it looks like she spent like the last seven months in a concentration camp and got beat with sticks and had holes poked in her it's just horrible man she's got the tracheotomy hole and her hair's gone and her teeth are missing and she just looks like you know she's on death's doorstep okay and they're like this is what happens to you

you smoke well yeah it happens to some people when they smoke but it's not like every single human being who smokes gets that drastic i mean it is it is you know when it comes on i literally have to turn away because i don't smoke i've never smoked so i'm like this commercial first of all has nothing to do with my life so why do i need to have this horrible imagery throwing in front of my eyes uh it this isn't part of my world this isn't part of where i circulate so i don't need to see someone you know ravaged by the effects of smoking and it's just sad it's sad it's almost like they're they're using this person there's already in a state of disrepair in a state of decline and they're like using her to make her

point but I think it's a bit drastic you know there's no commercials for uh you know people with other ailments that that are horrible you know they don't have this guy didn't wear a seat belt you know there's a guy with his head hanging on his shoulder and a leg sticking out of his nose right he's got a pair of shoes embedded in his rib cage his heart is beating on top of his head head one of his eyes is on his ankle yeah this is what happened to me i didn't wear my damn seatbelt look what happened to me you know what we get it people make bad choices people get sick people suffer the consequences of their actions and it's tragic enough you know the human humans are frail they're weak they're susceptible to bad things

And once it's happened, once they're at the point of no return, it's, you can't bring them back. And I don't know. It's almost like they're parading these people out here. And part of me wonders, too, the girl, you know, who did it, is she really that concerned about other people smoking? Or is she like, oh, my God, they want to what? Are you kidding me? They want to give me my own commercial? My own ad campaign?

I mean, I'm going to be dead in four months. I might as well go out in a flash of glory. Seriously, my own commercial on primetime television during basketball games and during movies and reality shows? Oh, my God, yes. I'm going to be a star. I'm going to be at red carpet events and... Excuse me.

A vein just flew out of my... My hole, my tracheotomy hole. Let me just stick that back. So where do I sign? I'm going to be the new Britney Spears or Angelina Jolie. You know, what are they thinking? They're 15 minutes of fame before they die, and that's the way you want it?

I don't know. Little fishy. Anyhow, let's hear from the lady herself. and uh you can hear her talking this is actually uh her talking in the commercial check it out i'm there and i used to be a smoker i want to give you something else about getting ready in the morning learn your name putting on her teeth or wig then you're heading on her teeth or wig and that's her putting in her voice thing and now you're ready for the night

And now you're ready for the day. I mean, God, it's just, it's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. I mean, you can't see the commercial, but let me discuss it. First, she puts in her fake teeth, then she puts on a wig. Her face is all twisted and contorted. She's emaciated. And I don't know.

But let's flip over to the other side. Obviously, smoking is a big problem. It kills tons of people. And, you know, outside of me not liking the look of these, you know, I guess we should have a listen at the practical reasons behind this campaign. Smoking kills 443,000 Americans each year, more than the population of Virginia Beach. And starting Monday, folks there and all over the country will be seen.

graphic anti-smoking ads. Dr. John LePook tells us they're part of a $54 million campaign being launched by the Centers for Disease Control. This is Terry. She's 51 years old and a victim of head and neck cancer. I want to give you something that about getting ready in the morning. She's part of the new public service announcements featuring disturbing images of former smokers. Roosevelt Smith smoked for 28 years. Even when I was having my heart attacks, I still smoked a cigarette, like during the heart attack. Yes. CDC director, Dr. Thomas Frieden, admits the ads are graphic and shocking.

He says that's exactly the point. Advertising works, hard-hitting ads work, and showing the reality of people's lives and what smoking does to your ability to live out your life as you want to live it, that's maybe the most motivating thing to get a smoker to quit. Recent history backs him up. In 2006, New York City began a similar media campaign. In addition, for the past decade, there have been higher taxes on cigarettes and restrictions on public smoking.

In 10 years, smoking rates dropped 35%. Dr. Tom Farley is the New York City Health Commissioner. We now have smoking rates in teenagers that's below 8%. That's the lowest, as far as I know, in the country. Statistics show that nearly 9 out of 10 smokers began by age 18. The government says this ad campaign is especially focused. on preventing young people from starting to smoke. So you think it's okay for an eight-year-old?

I absolutely think it's okay for an eight-year-old to be watching messages to prevent that child from becoming a smoker. Even if it's very disturbing? Even if it's something that the parent and the child finds disturbing, because that is the point. Smoking is disturbing. Smoking is killing hundreds of thousands of Americans every year. The head of the CDC says the $54 million cost of the program

will be more than made up in a few years by the health care. care savings from preventing illnesses. Currently, cigarette smoking costs Americans nearly $100 billion in health care costs every year. Dr. John LaPoog, CBS News, New York. So there you go. What do I know, right? All I'm saying is it's tough to watch, it's tough to see, and, you know, there's the

pros and the cons, and believe me, I'm not about not, you know, trying to prevent people and kids from smoking. it's a very harsh way of doing it but hell listening to that report maybe it works i mean people are people are they can't get enough of this stuff how about the guy that was uh laying in the hospital having a heart attack and he's having a smoke well he's having his heart attack even when i was having my heart attacks i still smoked a cigarette like during the heart attack, yes. Can you imagine the paramedics having to put the oxygen mask over his face with a cigarette in his mouth?

They're like, are you okay, sir, are you okay? Yeah, take this damn oxygen mask off, man. It's cutting off the flame to my smoke. Sorry, sir. And then they're like breathing in his second-hand smoke. They're having to deal with a guy who's having a heart attack and he's, blowing smoke in their face. They're like, hey, you're dying, dude.

He's like, I know, can I get a cigarette for the transition? I'd like to walk up the stairway to heaven and get to the pearly gates smoking a Mariborough, if you don't mind. And then I love the way they always reference numbers and things. They're like, 443,000 people die. That's the equivalent of Virginia Beach. I love the way they pick a geographical place. Would it be something of just everyone in Virginia Beach just dropped dead?

Just as a demonstration? All right, everybody. We want to give an example here of how many smokers die every year. So four, three, two, one, everybody dead. Everyone in Virginia Beach, gone. Smoking kills 443,000 Americans each year. the population of Virginia Beach. Families go to vacation, you know, take the Winnebago and the beach ball and the sun umbrella.

They're laying on the beach, corpses all around them. What the hell happened here? I think 443,000 people from Virginia Beach died, honey. Oh, Christ, that's going to stink up our picnic. Got a cigarette? my nerves are going crazy sure um so there you go man the pros and the cons you be the judge if you smoke i hope you stop it really is a dumb thing and when you think of that number 443000 people like think of that in dollars okay if you had 443000 dollars in your bank account

wouldn't you be like, oh, my God, I've got $443,000. Unbelievable. You'd be like, all happy. Well, imagine that in terms of human lives. Boom. When you think of how much it is in money, then you can think about how much it is in lives. It's a huge number. Hey, everybody.

Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And people are knowingly walking into the store and buying their own death. But anyways, this is an old story. All I'm going to end with is if you're smoking, just stop right now.

Arlen Highway has ever been any help to you at all. I hope it's helpful to you in terms of laughing and, you know, relieving stress and having a good time. But in terms of saving your life, I hope that somebody calls me one day and goes, you know what, Arland, you saved my life, man. You know how? That stupid podcast you did on smoking. You told me to stop. I heard those commercials

and that day I just stopped cold turkey I didn't need the stupid you know the the gum I didn't need the patch I just found the willpower through your words to just stop the hardest addiction in the world to stop so who knows

I'm asking you to stop and who am I God? No I'm just a voice on a podcast but guess what I care about you. Okay? I care about you. I want you to stop.

Everyone listening wants you to stop. Right, pavement pounders? All the pavement pounters want you to stop. Right, guys and girls? See? So just stop. Live. Be happy.

You don't need cigarettes. Pretend they were never invented. There. Okay. Heavy enough for you? God, no, I need a cigarette. Ha ha! Please take a ticket.

Please take a ticket. Oh, man. You ever go to an underground parking garage? You know the ones I mean, the ones that spiral to the seventh strata of the earth's crust. And you go in and there's that little box and it talks to you? And it's actually got manners. It says, please. Please take a ticket.

How many of you talk back to it? Hmm? I know I do. Please take a ticket. And then I go, please shut your pie hole. Please lift your big striped zebra arm and let me in to your hole that tunnels into hell. Just let me in and park. And it's always a woman's voice.

I don't know. Maybe it's too plight. Maybe we need someone who's a bit more bitchy, huh? You pull up and it's like, Yo, pick a ticket, man. Take a ticket before I crack your head open on your hood ornament, sucker. And then the thing finally comes out is like the machine's sticking its tongue out at you, right? Like a yellow hepatitis tongue or a green ginger vitivitis tongue.

When that ticket comes out, man It just kind of slides up And you're like Why, you lit all in you grab the tongue Do you think the ticket's just gonna come right out But after the time you have to pull on it Like you're fighting with a naughty school kid Give me that tongue, you little weasel

Please take a ticket Please pull my top And you got it You got that ticket Yeah, you got it You won that war And then You forget to take it up

To the restaurant you're going to And you're like, damn it Now I can't get validated And all you can hear Is that little weasel machine going Please pay for my ticket Oh no! Yes indeed

And worst of all, man You get behind the people where it's an automated thing where you have to put the ticket in to get out from the giant hole in the ground right and the people in front of you are like they're old people or they're dumbasses or their bird brains and they didn't know you had to get it validated or they don't know which way to put it in or then they're sitting what what do I do how to what stick the thing in the hot I don't know what to do and everyone just all the cars are lining up behind and they're just sitting there pick I don't know I don't know what do I do I got that what

I don't have the no ticket I don't know I didn't know I needed no ticket I left it upstairs man what what do I do I stick like uh what do I stick like uh you know like my my credit card there something man and you're just everyone just fume They're doing everything they can not to lead on their horn. Come out, you jackass. You stick your ticket in, and the stupid arm opens up. Oh, hey, but life is hard, right? I mean, a ticket for this, a ticket for that, everything's a ticket.

What? What, there's something? Arland, there's someone on line five. I don't have anything on the books. There's no call. No. What is it? that music. Oh, no. Not him. No, I don't want to talk to him. Oh, God. Hello, Arland. Oh, what do you want?

Arland, I don't like your attitude, mate. It's not very nice. Well, listen, I'm doing a podcast, George, Michael. Well, I want to call you, Arland, and tell you about something very, very, very exciting to happen to me. Okay, you couldn't do it off hours. You have to do it in the morning. middle of my podcast. Well, look at you being all prim and proper and holier than thou type of thing. I'm not being holier than thou. Okay, I'm working. I don't know what you do all day.

What's that mean, Arlen? Oh, I think we know what that means, George. It's George Michael, for Christ's sake. Why don't you always just say the one fighting name and you know it's two and you're pissing me off. How about I just call you fucking... What? What do you want to say? Crocodile Dundee, cunt.

Okay, you know what? We don't use those words on my show. Well, they get my name right, you rotten bastard. And stop with that. What do you want? All I did all is I phoned United States of America. What? I called you in the United States of America.

You called me where? In the United States of America, what's the matter with you? You've got a fucking sea scallop in your fucking ear. Stop with the F-bombs, and what did you say? I said the United States of America. Are you saying the United States of America? Uh, duh, hello, fucking give this man a trophy on line five. All right, you know what?

I called, Arlen, because I watched an old classic movie last night. I did? You called all the way in here to tell me you watched an old classic movie. Boy, oh boy, what a treat, George. That's George Markle, you fucking seaweed salad, fucking snort bag. Okay. Nobody calls me a seaweed salad snot bag. I just did, you fucking Chinese roasted fucking crinkle crack.

Okay. What did you watch and get the hell off my line? I watched an old sci-fi movie, Arland, by a British director named Ridley Scott. Okay, whoopi-do. Oh, look at you having a little attitude, eh? What you're all sitting up on your throne, like eating fucking chips? What are you talking about sitting on my throne eating chips? Oh, right.

Just tell me the stupid movie. I watched a science fiction movie called Air. Alien, Alan. Alien, yes, a classic movie with Sigourney Weaver. Yes, Arlid, and there was this one moment where this alien... What'd you say? The alien. Alien?

Alien. What are you saying? I'm saying alien. Alien. That's what I said, you're fighting Chinese chicken salad sandwich. Stop, but what's with the Chinese thing all the time? I don't know what, you tell me, Chinaman. You can't, don't, you can't say Chinaman.

I just did it. Listen, Michael. It's George Michael, you're fucking dumbass, fucking retarded, fighting European travel agent. What in the hell? I watched Alien all, and what I really like about is when the alien,

it comes out of the guy's tummy. What? As you see where the alien come out of the guy's tummy. Okay. And he made a noise, Arland. What, like an alien noise? Like this. All right.

Stop doing the stupid noise, George. It's George Michael. He's stupid fucking three-decker fucking baking lettuce and tomato. Oh, fucking shit sandwich. All right, I'm hanging up. Hang up on him. I'm not finished, Arland. I didn't call the United...

for nothing. Look, I don't know what you're saying. Hang up on him, Roger. Hang up on the alien. It's only in, Arland. Hang up! Good God. Roger, don't ever let him call her again.

You keep letting them through. What's the matter with you? I'm sorry, Harland. Idiot. Let's just move on, please. I said I was sorry. God. Hang up!

Roger! Let's just move on quickly. I'm getting agitian. I'm about to walk out of this studio. God. Idiot. Okay, so I'm watching the news, and once again, last week, some tornadoes hit, man. These big, giant tornadoes hit, and where do they go for, once again, trailer homes?

It's almost like tornadoes look for them. It's like maybe tornadoes aren't just random wind, man. Maybe they're actually real predators. Maybe they're as real as a tiger or a lion or a... grizzly bear and they prowl around in the sky and they look for prey oh yeah look at those trailer homes and they twirl around and around and they come down and boom they get the trailer homes i mean i'm not picking on the trailer home people i feel bad for the trailer home people but what is it every time there's a tornado they go right for the trailer homes who needs a TV

man, just sit at the window and watch Toto and the Wicked Witch fly by. We must be up inside the Sunboat. Oh, disgot! There goes Annie M and the Ruby Slippers and the Munchkins. We represent the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids. I mean, if I had an option between a trailer home and living in an underground bunker with Edith's bunker, Boy, no way...

I'd take that. Oh, aren't you? There's a tornado coming. Oh! Yeah, I'd put up with that grinding, annoying, Edith's bunker voice in a bunker before I lived in a trailer home. Unless you're a thrill-seeker, man,

and you want to go for a ride. You're one of these people that likes to move around a lot. Buy a trailer home, because guess what, Daddy, you're moving. I don't see it for sale sign on the lawn. You don't need it, baby. there's a tornado coming up your driveway. You're only moving about four or five hundred feet, but you're moving. Maybe by the time you're 79, your house will finally be down in Florida and you can retire.

Oh, well, at least you don't have to pay a real mover. Happy flying here on the Harlan Highway. Yes. Oh, there's Toto right at the end. Happy flying. I'm speaking of flying man we have to fly out of here unfortunately we are at the end of this tornado we must swirl off into the distance and uh we shall meet another day um thanks for being here just to remind you folks that starting tonight uh Thursday June 28th I am appearing a lot

at Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio. Hilarities Comedy Club, Pickwick, and Frollick. And that will be going right through the weekend until Sunday night. So it'll be June 28th to July 1st. So hopefully you can get out and see me. And we're going to be doing stand-up comedy and some improv comedy, where we're going to be taking suggestions from the crowd. and doing some sketches

and no one else does that no other comedian does that offers you both it's a lot of fun you don't want to miss it and if you're not in the area and you have friends out there call them up tell them to get their butts out to see me

don't forget you can visit me at harlowe williams.com you can leave me a letter you can go on to the website look at my comedy schedule go into the store buy some merch I got books and CDs and t-shirts and movies, all that fun stuff.

And you can always call me and leave me a message at 323-739-4-330. And just happy you're here, man. Happy you were here. But that's it. We got a twist. And until next time, everybody, a sweet bowl of chicken chow-me. Baby. Thank you.