The Harland Highway - 410: SALVADOR DALI, junk mail, Japanese robot joker

Episode Date: July 2, 2012

Harland visits the Salvador Dali museum, Reading junk mail, airplane bathrooms, and a vist from Japanese robot joke teller Jolly Joker Jr.. Crinkly crumpet sauce!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet jumping jelly beans. That's right. I said it. Sweet jumping jelly beans. I don't know why I said it, but at least it's out of my system and I can get on with my life. But for now, let's get on with the Harland Highway podcast. Hello, everybody. I'm Harland Williams, your hostess.

Thank you for being here. What a day. Today we are going to be going through my junk mail. Okay? We all get junk mail in our mailbox. and you know what, I decided to actually open some on the air today and read through it and look at it and see what a time-waster it is. So join me for that little adventure.

Also, I'm going to tell you about my visit to the Salvador Dali Art Museum in Florida. Quite the experience. I'm a big fan, and we'll get into that. We have this Japanese robot coming in, the joke-telling robot, Jolly Joker Jr.'s here today. I don't know why we have to have them, but we do. And we're going to talk about something that really bothers me. Airplane bathrooms.

Yeah, those little tiny places where sometimes we have to go, and it ain't no fun. It's squishy, it's squashy, and it's smelly. You know, kind of a lot like where you are right now on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway.

What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Okay, so it's time to share something personal with you. Yeah, it's me, Harlan Williams, and I am going to open a piece of mail. My personal private mail that came to my mailbox at my home. Oh, look at this. On the front of the envelope, it says,

money mailer like getting money in your mailbox and then it doesn't even have my name on the envelope it says to our neighbors at and then there's my address to our neighbors could that be more vague i mean this could be for uh mexico or canada to our neighbors all right i'm opening it up here we go let's see what it's like getting money in my mailbox okay let's let's Let's see what kind of money in my mailbox I got. Let's see. Oh, look at the first one here. Designer checks.

Hmm. Do I want some designer checks? Let's see. Here's some with Winnie the Pooh on it. Here, here's a check for $300 worth of honey. Ah, is there any more honey? Mr. Rabbit. Yeah, make this checkout payable to Tigger.

Hooh-hoo! Here you go. E.R. Thanks for noticing me. Here's a check for Curious George. Curious George checks. A little picture of George riding a bike. Maybe he's going to his cousin's house by Curious George. How? What'd you do today, George? Oh, don't you want to know?

I went to buy Curious George's place. Some magical things happen. Let's just say there was a banana involved, and you know how his monkeys like bananas. Okay, this one's going right in the garbage. I just want a blank check. I don't need a lion or a Corvette or Mount Rushmore on my check. What am I trying to entertain the people I'm paying bills to? No thanks.

Here, gas company. Here's your 80 bucks. You get a blank check. You think I'm going to spend extra enlighten your world with a picture of Homer Simpson on there? Oh, stupid gas company. No, no way, man Wow, I can't wait to go through the rest of these This is just number one

I got a whole pile in here You know what, we got a lot to go through Come back here on the Harland Highway And we'll keep going through this pile What a joke Why do they do it? Why do they create things that annoy us Like junk mail?

I mean, I get more junk mail in my mailbox than I do regular mail and the ratio is astounding it's probably for every real letter i get and i'm not joking i probably get 80 or 90 pieces of junk mail i get flyers for grocery store i mean we're going to go through it on the show here i'm not going to give it all away but what a what a crook the only other thing more annoying i don't know when the last time you flew was and i don't know the last time you flew and had to go to the bathroom. But what the hell are they thinking with those bathrooms on those airplanes, man?

I mean, there's a lot of room in an airplane, okay? If you've ever been on a private jet, okay? Or you've seen pictures of a private jet. It's like there's couches in there and beds, showers. I actually had the privilege once of flying on Steven Spielberg's private jet. I had to go to a meeting up in San Francisco. They threw me on Stephen Spielberg's private jet, okay?

Yeah, look at me, Mr. Big Shot, right? It was amazing. It had a bed and a shower and couches and flat screen TVs and lounge chairs. and these stewardesses were serving us like freshly cut sushi. I mean, thank you Spielberg, man. But my point is, there's a lot of room in a plane to get creative, right? And here we are.

They fill these commercial jet liners up with like 300 of us. And everyone's got stuff inside them, urine and bowels and all that fun stuff. and, you know, they take the most limited space possible and create a bathroom for people. And I'm almost six foot, too. I'll tell you, when I stand in there and pee, I look like a werewolf or the hunchback in Norderdame. I'm all like crunched over and my head is bent down

because the ceiling isn't high enough. So I'm like lurched over. I look like a vulture sitting on a tree just waiting for a horse's corpse to rot. I'm just like in a lurch position, right? And it's just weird and awkward and there's no space on the side. You know, it's like walking into your locker at school. Remember at school when you have those big steel metal lockers? It's like opening one of those.

wedging yourself inside and pulling down your pants and doing your business. It's just wrong, man. It's like, come on, airlines. Open it up a little, man. Give us, you know what, give us an extra three inches. You know what? Don't give us an extra three inches because when you give us three inches, which is nothing, the airlines think that's a huge deal.

Oh, American Airlines, we now have an extra inch. a half in our seats. Screw you. We're human beings. We're not like chickens on a chicken farm, or they stuff 12 chickens into, you know, a two-foot cage. We're human beings, man. Cut a row of seats out and make a bathroom that a fat person can turn around in.

Do you imagine if you're a hefty person, you'd have to back your way in, man, or go in forward, whatever you had to do. one or number two you'd have to you'd have to make a decision outside the door let's see i want to sit down so i better back in put my elbow in the sink and i'll put my other elbow up on the smoke detector i mean it's it's horrible man it's dehumanizing with all the money they make all the sophistication in an airplane come on those bathrooms should be like double triple the size that they are and if someone wants to go in there and refresh and you know get away from their seat for a little bit where they could actually turn around maybe stretch in there maybe someone could do their hair Good Lord.

Unbelievable. So there you go. Annoying, annoying stuff. And I do mean stuff! We are the robot. Okay, so here we are on the Harland Highway. We're trying to be cutting edge. and technologically advanced, moving into the future.

Hello. So the powers the B and their infinite wisdom. I don't see this as working, but I have to do it according to the memo. So they have bought a couple of robots, cutting-edge 21st century robots that they say are hilarious and will help add comedy to my show, is if I need it.

I'm a professional. Hello. So they hired these two robots. Some Japanese company made these so-called comedy robots, Jolly Joker, and I guess his kid, Jolly Joker Jr., and I guess Jockey Joker is going to tell a joke. And I guess his dad, the Jolly Joker, is going to be here to support.

So let's hear your joke, Jolly Joker. Joker, Jr. What is the difference between a cat with fleas and a race car driver? One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go. Hoie! Okay. All right, Jolly Jokka, that really wasn't that funny. Hey!

Hey, knock it off. That wasn't funny. That was like a kindergarten kid's joke. Are you kidding me? All right, I got to go talk to the management. I'll be right back. Hopefully there'll be no more of that crap here on the Jolly Harlan Highway. Unbelievable.

Okay. Okay, in the last segment we were going through, I got this letter in the mail from some junk mail company. It's a big envelope full of coupons. and advertisements and it says right on the front money mailer like getting money in your mailbox the first one was personalized checks let's see what else they got here that they want to give me let's see here we go what's this one okay eat free for a week that's seven breakfast seven lunches seven dinners and seven desserts absolutely free

the saying there ain't no such thing as a free lunch. There ain't no such thing as the free lunch and yet these guys have seven breakfast, seven lunches, seven dinners, and seven desserts absolutely free. Does somebody smell

a con job? Oh, come on. But of course they've got the picture, the before and after picture of a bunch of Barney the dinosaurs. They go from being like a fat mess job of the hot somehow they drop like 18 pounds and suddenly they qualify to be the centerfold

for penthouse magazine i mean come on is somebody doctoring these pictures or what jeffrey lost 90 pounds and suddenly somehow he's a fireman in a fireman calendar julie lost 142 pounds and she looks like Cheryl Teigs. Yeah, take that little dress off and show me the flabby, rolly stretch marks. What is it? It's an incredible scientific breakthrough that gives you the benefits of a low-carb diet, but let you enjoy carbs. Oh, I love carbs.

Aren't they delicious? They're right up there, T-bone steak, lobster, pheasant underglass, and carb. Yeah, can I get some? some more marinera sauce on that carb please oh come on more than 120 great tasting meals and desserts yeah what are you having for dinner carb how's that dessert it's a carb well what's the difference well the dessert carb has a cherry on it and some whipped cream delivered right to your door hmm so do i want a pimply faced out-of-work kid delivering my meals for the week

Meals prepare in just minutes Well, I think the code is a code word for microwave Oh, and look at this, right at the end here Free membership and counseling and no center visits And then the final one, all for about $10 a day Wait a minute, let me flip this over Didn't it say free? Eat free for a week Big bold letters, eat free for a week

And then, oh, I flip it over. There it is in the smelprin, all for about $10 a day. Did you know everybody that free only cost $10? Oh, I can't wait to get into another one of these. We're coming right back with my money mailer. It's like getting money in your mailbox or getting BS in your mailbox. Oh! Hey, everybody.

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and chewy fudge with a chocolatey coating swing by a gas station and get an oh henry today oh hungry oh henry wow just keeps getting worse um you know things are just not always built up the way they seem not right with this junk mail stuff And here's something interesting that I don't know if you guys are art fans. I'm sure you are. But I went and visited the Salvador Dali Museum, Art Museum, in St. Petersburg, Florida. Or Clearwater, Florida, somewhere down there. Tampa, it's down in the Tampa Bay region.

I think it's St. Pete. and I went in there and I'm a big fan of Dolly, man. You know, I've been to art galleries all over the world and I'll never forget at one of my most moving viewings of a painting was a Salvador dolly.

I think I've talked about this before is at an art gallery in Germany and, you know, I'm an artist, I like to look at paintings and study them and absorb them and blah, blah, blah. But on this one occasion, I was in this museum, and I came around the corner, and there's this giant Salvador dolly of our crucifixion of Jesus hanging on the cross.

And it literally mesmerized me. It was just one of those moments where I just stood there and was, like, overwhelmed by this magnificent painting. And I know I've talked about it before, so I won't go into it. But now, here I am in the United States, and I go to the Salvador Dali Museum. And I'm very excited, you know, because I've never been there, and I know I'm in for a bunch of dolly-esque treats.

And I go in, and a lot of great paintings, a lot to look at, a lot of his sketchings, a lot of his cartoons, all kinds of crazy dolly imagery. And it just, you know, reinforced my love for the guy, you know. He just really kind of went against the grain. And if you've never had a chance to really look at his work, I recommend you do. Pick up a book, buy a book,

or go online and browse through some of his paintings. There's just a lot there that moves the imagination. And, you know, it's amazing the amount of work the guy did. and it made me jealous to a degree because I realized this is a guy that probably woke up every day and his life, his mission in life was to set up an easel or put a canvas or a board on his lap and paint and let his imagination flow

and let imagery flow out of his body, his essence, his mind, his brain, and transported onto his painting surface. and this is something he dedicated his life to, and as a result, I can't even tell you how many pieces of work must be out there of his. Hundreds, thousands, you know, I don't know, just I don't know the number, but I'm guessing it's got to be in the thousands. And it's great to see a guy with kind of just such a vivid imagination

and twisted perceptions. and thought-provoking artwork. And the guy does some really incredible imagery that sometimes porters on erotic. And a lot of his paintings have nudity in them. And it's an interesting thing when you're at an art gallery because most of the paintings, the smaller ones, are hanging at eye level, you know?

And when it's crowded, you know, people tend to not know where to stay. like there's no there's no like dot or arrow saying please stand here for the best viewing i mean you've got clusters of people and so you kind of start doing this dance where you you kind of see people there and you both want to look at it and you kind of dance in and you realize maybe you're in the way as someone behind you and you dance out and then you want to get to the next painting but there's people looking at it so you skip across in front of it quickly so you don't interrupt their viewing moment

and, you know, you're getting close and then you realize there's people behind you and you move back and they move in. It's just like this constant flowing. It's like that seaweed you see underwater, those giant strands of seaweed and they're all dancing back and forth. That's what it's like at an art gallery that's crowded.

You're just like, where the hell do I stand, man? I think I'm blocking those people, but I got to move in. There's something in that painting I have to see. Excuse me. Oh, could you move? I'll be over here. Why don't you go this way and I'll go,

it's kind of like when you're walking down a street and someone's coming at you and you're both on the same path of direction and all of a sudden you meet and you both go the same way. No one knows which way to step. That's what it's like at an art gallery when you're trying to view paintings.

It's kind of comical. But anyways, a lot of Dali's stuff, you know, have very graphic images of nudity and sexual body parts. And I was standing there looking at this one image where it was this nude woman, spread eagle, a full view of her vulva and her anus

and her legs wide open. And on her torso, her whole torso was covered with a lobster. There was a lobster like grasping onto her body, this huge lobster, and I forget if she, I can't even remember if she had a head. I think it might have been like a bunch of squiggles or a crow or something. And I was standing there looking at this thing,

and it was a great piece, and it was very kooky and imaginative. And I realized standing beside me was a father, like some average guy probably from the suburbs. You know, you can tell by the way he talked, he wasn't an artificiado. and beside him was his little like 10 year old daughter and she's just staring at this thing and he's just kind of staring at this thing and he starts making small ties like yes uh well look at the uh the color is uh and uh she's just like daddy what is that stop like she just i don't know how

she comprehended it and it was kind of comical as well i mean it was awkward i felt bad for the dad like how do you explain you know to a 10 year old girl a spread eagle naked woman with a lobster chest and a squiggly head you know it was just it was quite entertaining um so a great facility the only thing i'll say that wasn't good about the salvador dali museum is that you know salvador dali as i said just had this whacked out imagination and unfortunately they put all his paintings in a very sterile building it's almost like it looks like a concrete bunker it's a bland gray cement and it's just like kind of a rectangle plopped into the ground and one end of the winding has kind of some bubbly windows some glass but nothing you

really haven't seen before but the dominating feature of this architecture is that it's just a big blob rectangle of concrete and then when you go inside all dolly's works are hanging on these really bland walls there it's very kind of empty and antiseptic feeling and it feels like a like an empty chamber or a hospital hallway or something and that's the only thing that really took away from the experience you know i expected the dolly museum to to have you know crazy murals on the wall and things hanging from the roof and and uh you know just weird sculptures and maybe things painted into the floor but they they treated his magnificent work as if it was uh you know almost like any other artist and uh just a very bland atmosphere to hang the workings of of such an imaginative uh

person so that was my only knock against the museum but other than that really good great to see his work check it out if you get a chance and uh you know what let's enough about culture enough about you know Spanish painters and their contribution to the world let's get back to American culture where we examine the junk mail in our mailbox oh Man, this is fun. I got this big fat envelope in my mailbox. Claiming to be full of coupons that are going to save me money. It says on it, like getting money in your mailbox.

So let's see. I'm going through them here. Let's see what else they got. We had the personalized checks. Now we have the weight loss thing. And then what's this one? Here we go. Proactive solution.

the answer for acne Ha ha ha ha What's there's a quote here There's a girl with a before and after shot There's a chick with I'm telling you man She's got so many pimples on her face She really

It looks like she was at a British pub And they must have thought she was the dartboard Because she's got red dots Everywhere And then the after shot She looks like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman here's her quote my skin was cleaner felt smoother and felt a little more radiant i love proactive to use i can share with other people proactive work for me yeah so did about seven pails full of foundation and some spackling tape or whatever it's called this spackle

but here's the spokesperson vanessa williams proactive solution is the only acne product I've found that helps keep my skin clear and smooth. I use it, and I'm excited to share it with you. Doesn't that sound like she smears it on her face, wears it around for a day, scrapes it off, and then lets you use it? Here, I'm done with this. My zits are calm down. Stick this on your feet.

I don't know. That's not fair having someone as beautiful as Vanessa Williams for a Zit cream. Come on, man She's gorgeous At least get some freak with a zitty face Man, how about Brian Adams? That guy's got pock marks Deeper than Lake Loch Ness

Unbelievable Well, that's another one that ain't saving me any money We'll do one more of these when we get back Put an end to this Money Mailer in my mailbox Here on the Harland Highway Yeah, I want to do one more I want to do, I hope you're as fascinated

with this as I am, because I think this is something that affects all of us. Okay? All these darn, darn, dog garn, dog garn, that's what I want to say.

Dog garn. All these dog garn junk mail things we got. So we'll end the show with one more. So let me get the, let me get the, um, announcements and stuff out of the way. And then we'll wrap it up with one more dip into my junk mail

and see what other annoying crap. rap is there oh yeah let's get you up to speed on uh everything that's happening you can check out uh my facebook page you can join up at uh facebook dot com backslash official harland williams um and also don't forget to check out the new uh youtube channel with videos from yours truly all um that's uh uh harland williams and if you feel like writing you can write to harlan williams.com you can check out our store there the harland uh williams merchandise store and you can uh phone me if you want and leave a message uh 323 739 4330 and uh we hope we hear from you um that's it

let's uh let's uh do one more uh junk mail check in before we go and then we'll wrap it all up oh man i'm having some fun here i'm letting you people look into my personal mail i pulled this letter out of my mailbox full of coupons big fat thing full of like 30 coupons and on the front of the envelope it says like like getting money in your mailbox let's see what else we got here Like I'm ever going to use any of this stuff. It's more like getting wasted paper in my mailbox. What's this one? Esenza, day and med spa.

Let's see what they do. Massage, facials, body treatments, manicures, waxing. It's been a long time since I got a Brazilian man. What's this? Botox. Vane removal. What the hell? yeah i think i got too many veins in the old bod you mind stripping some of these veins out i don't like

the way the blood's moving around through me i just feel too alive yeah i get to get rid of some of some of those big ones near my heart i heard those are the ones that always cause heart attack so if i get rid of a couple i lessen my chances yeah vein removal well you're at it why don't you take one of my lungs and uh chop a leg off Laser hair removal. Yeah, cyborg from Battlestar Galactica steps out of the room and opens fire on you. You are a hairy individual. Open fire.

What's this? Hyperbaric oxygen treatment. Yeah, throw me in a bed with Michael Jackson. Hey, Michael. Hi, how are you? I'm just getting my hyperbaric oxygen treatment. Oh, I'll give you some of that, all right. Excuse me?

It's special. Oh, my God. So this one's going in the garbage. Well, they didn't save me any money. I'm kind of creeped out. Junk mail remains junk mail, and it's in the junk. Harlan Williams. Well, there you go.

There's my junk mail for you. Oh, my God. Annoying. But anyways, folks, we did the announcements, and the last thing I want to say is thank you for being here. Tell your friends and family about the Harland Highway. Let's put a smile on everybody's face. And hopefully you had a few laughs here today.

And until next time, my friends, you won't find this in your mailbox. A big bowl of chicken chow main, baby! Thank you.