The Harland Highway - 411: COMEDIAN ADAM RAY

Episode Date: July 5, 2012

Comedian ADAM RAY and I discuss heaven, the Wolverine, demented children, and yes, the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. Slam dunk funk!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, boys and girls, it's me, Harlan Williams, here. Your host on the Harland Highway. Welcome to this show, everybody. I'm doing a deep, dark, mysterious voice. I'm whispering, because I have a very special guest today. Today's show is not like your normal show. I have a great comedian, an actor, a friend of mind. I'm not telling you who it is. It's mysterious. So I'm doing a mysterious voice. But he will be

with us the whole show, telling stories and laughing and doing the animal quiz. And are you getting annoyed with me talking like this? Well, then let's get out of that. Let's get right to it. Ladies and gentlemen, special guest today, Adam Ray on the Holland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake up. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, everybody. This is Harlem Williams, and you are here on the craziest highway in the world. Well, it's not that crazy. I mean, it's not like institutionalized. It's not like the Harlan Williams. on highway is one of those sponsor signs, and it says this road has been adopted by an insane asylum.

It's not that crazy. It's just, you know, it's fun. It's wild. And what's going to make it even more fun and wild today, oh, my God, I have an incredible special guest. He's here the whole show. He's an incredible comedian. He's an incredible actor. He's an incredible filmmaker.

He does stuff all over the Internet. He's going to tell you about that later in the show. uh funny guy smart guy really good looking dude and i'm not hitting on him i'm just saying he's good looking and i can keep going and going but i'm just going to introduce him here is my buddy my comedian buddy my buddy my racquetball buddy it's adam ray everybody yeah holler thanks for having me oh he's a son of a bit of richly coming up to your house with the trees and the pool and the All right, so right away, he burns me. I nailed Adam because on his answering machine, he has a, he does a bill.

I like to mix it up. A lot of people have just the standard, hey, it's Dave, and I'm not around, but, you know, leave me your number. Yeah, obviously, Dave. But, you know, so I mix it up a little bit. You do like 70-year-old black men that wear sweaters, happy-day sweaters. Now you got the thing with the pops and the day. can't even do it but i bug you because i always say i leave messes i go the worst impression

ever done and you still have it there just despite me you know it's the it's the little things it's the many victories you kill me in racquetball i have to kill you in impression voice mails yeah that's true that's true but rackaball you're not forced into you can say i don't want to play racquetball but when i's not true and you're not there i'm forced to listen if i want to leave a message. I have to sit through you doing Bill Cosby. How dare you? I'm going to leave you in nine-minute Bill Cosby voicemail now. God, man. Do you do a lot of impress? I work with you all the time. You do Tony Danza.

Tony Danza, just because it's pretty much how I talk normally. And you do Bill, well, Bill Cosby. I do it. Jay Leno. If you ever been over to, oh, you hear about this, Holland. Yeah, apparently 30% of dogs like to lick their own butts. You hear about this? 30% of dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they taste like Ben and Jerry. Oh, God.

Yeah, see, there's a... God. Ben and Jerry's has a dog anus flavor? God, man. Could I have a double scoop a dog hole, please? God. Yes, with the crunch berries. Oh, my God.

All right, who else? Leno. Leno, um, Tanza. I mean, I started impersonating. You know, the first impression I think they actually got me into comedy was I impersonated a day. In the fourth grade, there was this new girl that moved to our school and everybody had a crush on her. And I was a fat kid. So I had no chance. You were a fat kid? Oh, huge. We got to talk about that. I didn't even know that. So here's this girl. So her name was

Andy Bernhardt and everybody had a crush on her. And one of my buddies is the super athletic kid. She's into that guy. And so I could, I realized I could imitate her voice. I hadn't hit puberty yet. So I could do it to a team. So yeah. So you just took your fan. see into your bedroom by yourself when you were four years old. Hi Adam, you want to play doctor? Well, okay, Buffy or what's her name? I don't know.

It was Buffy Bernhardt. And so I called him up for three weeks as her. And I talked to him on the phone. To this day, he says his first call from a girl was from me. And you've never told him? No, I told him about like maybe a month afterwards after I did it. That's cruel

and unusual punishment. I would come to school and be like, yeah, we talk for hours last night i was like oh man what about all everything man she's really i'm like oh you lucky bastard you know but you know hey for the fat kids out there like they're all probably pretty happy i did that wait can you still do the voice i mean it was kind of like it was just really scratchy all right that sounded a lot like tony danza with sars okay that was really well you know i've been using creams and ointments but on your throat my throat on your lorax i've got lorax ours. Coming out in theaters this

Saturday with me and Forrest Whitaker. All right. Keep talking. I have to open the window. It's really hot. I'm getting hot. So you fill him the time. Sing a song to avoid. Summer days in the holidays. You know, I wrote a song back

in 1992 called, Hey, what you're doing over there? I was opening the window. That's what I was doing. Thank you for that. No, that's the name of the song. It's called, Hey, What You're Doing Over There. Okay. Well, good musical innerlard. Thank you for cover. That's the great thing about comedians. They can improv on a, you know, on a short notice. Sure. Yeah, I mean other, you know, I impersonate teachers and friends for a long time.

I do, what's another one, a splinter from the Ninja Turtles? Oh, yeah, give us that one. Holland Williams, the Harlan Williams Highway. I thought about naming one of my sons after you. Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello, Harlan. but it never flow with It needs a roll on the end It needs a Donatello, Notticello Nottetto

Rolando Nautella Nettella Imagine if Nettello was a villain It should be I'd be killed I'm allergic to hazelnuts Are you really

Nettella if that was an evil villain I'd be the first to be killed I'd puff up and start drooling and die Are you allergic to anything? I'm allergic to Bad breath Oh

So you're not a morning breath guy You don't like to kiss in the mornings No, I love to I just do But that's when your girl's bad breath is like They wake up They're all cakey and mungy You'll kiss a girl early

When you just wake up Oh sure, sure I'll kiss her when she's asleep When she's on the toilet Yeah No but wait a minute Isn't that when the breath is bad in the morning?

Yeah, but you just said you hate bad breath. But both the bad breaths are bad, so they cancancers other out. God. That's like, oh, God. Now, wait, let's get back to you were a fat kid. Huge. Like, how big? Like double fisting Pop-Tarts at three in the afternoon.

Like, let's say maybe, oh, boy, let's just say that my mom bought a couple extra bras one Saturday. What? Yeah, like, I've always known you as being a fit guy. Yeah, I'm fairly interested. Yeah, I mean, more. more so probably in college. But, yeah, I feel like I'm in decent shape. You know, I did a couple of Mervyn's underwear ads that never made it.

I did them for a buddy's birthday party. Yeah, wow. Now, wait a minute. So, yeah, I was probably, the exact weight was probably, I'm going to say, like, one in the fifth grade. So like 10, maybe 1, 70, 180. Whoa. That's the weight of a full-grown dude. That's the weight of a bear's foot.

Wayne Gritsky was 165 when he was in the NHL. Well, I... You were 180 almost at four? At four. God, dude. At 10. That's like a fucking grizzly bear cub. You're right.

Oh, sure. Well, I blame foods like cookie, crisp cereal and spaghetti and meatballs. So you, this was a result of eating. It wasn't like you weren't born like a thyroid kid who was. Some kids are just like, no matter, you could give them water and a, a piece of wood and they'd still be fat, you know? Which is what the doctor told me to start doing, to lose weight. I was like, is that how fat am?

He goes, yeah, you got to just start eating driftwood and go to a beach, chew on some sand dollars. Wow. Yeah, so it was, yeah, it was, I think what I, um, my, chew on some sand dollars. Is that what you just said? Wow. Okay. That's, by the way, that's how I end all my drug awareness speeches at elementary schools.

Wow. Don't do drugs and chew on some sand dollars. I think, oh, how high is this guy? I go, very, thanks for having me. Oh, my God. So it was a result of you just had a bad diet. Yeah, bad diet, and I was a super active kid. So when I finally lost, but it was, you know, my parents split,

and I think I resulted the food as a, and, yeah, I think I just literally, my mom got teased when she was younger, or my grandparents always harped on her for eating, so she never wanted to do that to me. So I think she would, like, watch me eat nine plates of meatballs and go, Wow. Okay, at least you're happy. you know what's interesting when I was a kid believe it or not I think a lot of kids are like this I didn't really love eating like I loved a treat like if you had a chocolate bar a coke or something I was all over that but how often did you get that yeah you're moving and shaking as a kid you don't have you don't want to sit down for a meal because you always thinking about I don't want a sandwich I don't want I don't want fish and ships I just want to play you want to go build your your castles and yeah dungeons for the you know it wasn't in my head to eat eat, but then when you get into your teens, you're like, man, let's go over there and buy

like, you know, let's go to Appleby's and buy everything. Well, interesting revelation here. But being a fat kid made me be the funny kid, because I think that's because kids were, I was known as the fat kid. That was your defense. Yep. And then I started making kids laugh and they were like, oh, he's the funny kid instead of the fat kid.

And I would memorize Ace Ventura and recited on the bus to people and just like, and then the impressions and stuff. And then all of a sudden it was like, I wasn't getting, you know, hey, this guy, you know, wears sweatpants, you know, every day. It was like, man, he's got the coolest sweatpants because he's funny. Yeah. It became your badge of honor, became your shield. Yep.

And it became all these things. Well, speaking of kids, and I always have a nice list of questions for my guests here at the Harlan Highway. We're going to get into them. You're ready to. I'm having a great time, by the way. You are? And why are you? Why did you bring one of those air sickness bags from the air.

Airplane. Oh, my God. Well, let's get into the questions and see if we change whether you're having a good time or maybe we'll up your good time. And we're talking about kids. So let me ask you this. If you had a kid, what would be the one feature that would bother you most if it was considered an abnormal feature? Like, let's say you had children and, you know, some kids are born with this or that, you know, what would be one thing that would, like, you know, bother you and freak you out? Like if you had, like, a cleft lip or something?

Yeah, like, you know, and I don't want to sound mean. I don't want to sound. I like how excited you got at the sight of my kid having a cleft lip. I know. Yeah, finally, because then he would see how shitty your Cosby impression is. That doesn't relate. And plus he wouldn't be able to ever do a college. You'd be like, now if you want to see the pillow pudding pops.

Too soon. Yeah, too soon. I don't dare you. But, you know, like some kids have like, you know, Billy Joel's, like big bug eyes. Yeah. You got, you know, maybe you got someone with a, you know, fangled up leg or maybe they're too tall. Gary Busey's jawbone. Yeah.

Like, if you had a kid, what would you just be like? Harry Connix Jr.'s taint, right? You don't want that. Oh, God. You don't want to even know about that. Well, he read the blogs. Oh, God. What, is there a story about his taint?

God, now you got me worried. There's like a big story out there about Harry Connich Jr.'s taint. I'm sure there is, man. Yeah. you know but like you know think about it like what's something that would just you'd be go oh no that what i would want it that would make me disown him or that i would just wake up every morning going god damn it yeah just like oh crap why did my kid after that why did he get that yeah or she you know well no he'll be a he regardless it'll be a he regardless we'll switch him over

yeah i want to play catch uh what would it be though would it be like their eyes are too far apart would it be that's i mean that's a turned in feet they walk like a A weird walk, I think, is probably at the top. Really? Yeah, because I see kids walk weird and even adults that have, like, you know, there was a kid I went to elementary school with who his dad ran over his leg with a lawnmower. God damn, right, you should be laughing at that. What was he tanning out on the lawn?

How do you got to be laying down first of all? Well, his son is grass. Oh, my God. He was, he was. I don't actually not. How does that happen? But I think his dad was like, you know, do your homework or I'm going to run over your... I don't know what, no.

There was... No, that wasn't it. The spanking wasn't good enough. He had to pull out the Toro and run over his son's limbs. Hey, man, you go from the belt to a lawnmower leg deconstruction. I told you to make your bed. Now get out and lay on the grass. But, Daddy, I don't get out there and lay on that grass, you little bastard.

Wow, you have some weird friends, man. You should have called that guy as Susie's surfer lips or whatever. Hi, boy, gangly legs. It's me, the lawnmower. Oh, yeah. It's the lawnmore calling. What would a lawn more sound like? You're a big voiceover guy and you voice some classic characters.

I was pretty close to what I just did. Hey, Billy. me, the lawnmour. Yeah. How are those grass stains on your legs? By the way, story about cutting your kneecapped off and making them sail through the air

like Captain America's Oreo cookies. I have no idea. His sidekick would be the kid, though, who he ran over. God, yeah, the Captain America's... Oh, the lawnmower's sidekick. Yeah, the lawnmour would have the kid

who helped him maybe through... Or would it just be another tool in the shed that would be... Yeah. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away.

That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harlan. A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer

specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But I don't know if we've still answered the question.

You're dancing around it. Adam's a sensitive guy and he doesn't want to say. Maybe as a fat kid, you're like, I don't want to say anything bad about kids, but it's a hypothetical. Kids are too fat. You know what I would wear? This might help you if I go first. Please.

You ever, and this might sound mean, but you ever see these kids sometimes? You remember Mikhail Gorbachev had that big red blob? It looked like a jar of craft raspberry jam blew up on his head. It was marmalade. It was marmalade. Well, that weird birthmark. Sometimes you see kids and they've got that red like patch. It's right on their face.

They're like a Batman villain. And you can't get rid of that. You can't get rid of it. It's not a Zit where you can hope that it goes away or wear a hat. Yeah, it's literally like, like it looks like somebody like put jam all over a piece of bread and like pushed it in your face like a pie. And said, take that, jam face. Take that, you jelly bastard. You jelly bastard.

So that would freak me out. That's not a bad thing. I've just be, ah, shit, you know, life's tough. Why did my kid have to have that? I have the purple side face. Yeah, that's purple side face. You know? I that's a great one and yeah uh the weird walk though i think i'm going to stick with

you all okay that's valid why i brought him up with a lawnmore he played sports still and but he had he always acted like he was dragging his leg with him because he was fucked up and it was jacob marlowe yep and nobody uh but wait a minute there's a flaw in your answer because the question was if your kid was born with it this kid was rano and i'm not you know i'm not trying to but your your your your guy was clearly running around free for a few years before daddy ran over on daddy changed his life let's say this kid okay is born and grows up with like you know you know salamander eyes or you know what a mole or something you know like or harry conic taint okay you know what is it there's got to be something that the eyes the eyes far apart is a good one

because actually i think if i you can never you're always going to pick favorites you're going to you're like he's you're going to be looking at the right eye and he's going to and then you're going to forget that there's another one because it's so far away how far are we talking like what's what's your limit how many inches like nine inches wow i think you've got basically gave birth to a hammerhead shark at nine inches dude have you been to sea world wow you'd have to get a swimming pool if you had a kid with a nine inch gap in his eyes get in the pool you've been a bad little shark you jay bastard all right cool the eyes got it

nine inches apart um let me move on as a comedian are you sensitive about like fat jokes and stuff um like if you i'm sensitive on a whole to to yeah to any whether it's kids or fat people when people knock yeah very sensitive i got slammed a little bit you know i learned from my listeners here at the highway when i first started doing the

podcast i was i wasn't really aware of it but you know every few podcasts I was doing like fat jokes and stuff. Yeah. And a couple of people wrote in and said, dude, why are you always knocking the fatties? And I actually wrote them, I said, thank you. You know what? I really wasn't aware of it.

You don't think about it. You don't think about it that much. Because, I mean, hurtful. Yeah. And I think even people that take the brunt of fat jokes are good about brushing it off and not showing. You just kind of laugh it off because you don't want to. But, you know, I think it bugs them. What do you think, though, and, you know, this is, this is, this is.

something that I think is a real problem. But, you know, I did a podcast a few weeks ago where I talked about how kids are getting fatter and fatter. And when I was a kid, you know, I'm like young, I'm older than you are. But when I was a kid, I did a show where I talked about how in my school, when I was a kid, there was always one fat kid pretty much. Yep.

Maybe two. But nowadays, you go look at a school and there's a whole ton of fat kids in there. They call the class the fat class because they're so, They have separate buses for them? Do they really? No, okay. Wow, you got me. You just did a fat joke, and I was hurt by it, and I'm not even fat.

You just hurt me. It is a problem. I mean, I joke about it, but I also talk about it in a way in my act that is trying to, like, point, like, when I do jokes about McDonald's and things, and people get sensitive to it because, you know, the fast food, it's such a quicker, cheaper option for so many parents. And I'm like, yeah, but it's slowly killing them. If you're looking for a fast, cheap way to slowly kill them, push them out of the minivan where you drive around the freeway. You'll save the cost of a happy meal. And, you know, it's probably good, you know. It doesn't smell as good, though.

You're right. Yeah. But, I mean, you know, I get it. There's too many options for kids to pick from. There is. And they still stay active, but it's like now the vending machines and the schools and like, they're like, oh, we're going to try to switch to veggies. But it's cheaper for the schools to pump out, you know, macho-nacho day or pizza boat or, or, uh, mozzarella stick Tuesday with chocolate chip icing balls and fruity pebble turnover squares

and macaroni, you know, fart bubbles. Wow. What was the name of your school? Mushroom High? What the hell kind of foods in your cap that guy goes to Magic Mushroom High School. Wow. Just south of Avatar. You know who our janitor was?

Who? Mooo, Boo, gosh me. Oh, God. The worst impression. So I would bake her a lasagna is what I was trying to say from my best. Oh, okay. I'd bake her. I can make lasagna. And I spaghetti, pasta.

I'm big on that stuff. Okay, good, good. We cleared that up. Now, we've been talking about eating. We've been talking about physicality. We've been talking about body parts. If you could genetically splice another living organism into yourself, What would it be?

If you could do like a wharf. So if I could be half, Adam, half something? Half or even just a part or, you know, it doesn't have to be a whole half. It could be three quarters. It could be a piece. Well, you know, I played Wolverine at Universal Studios Hollywood for three years. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Were you fat then? No. This was. Can you imagine like a 300-pound Wolverine? Well, you know. Whoa, dude. How do you defeat Wolverine? Throw a muffin on the ground.

They got you, guy. He bends down to get it. Club him over the head with a French roll. You know? Wow. If only they knew. How did Wolverine go out? Didn't stay on the Adkins, man.

Yeah. So I actually was a little... Because the theme part characters, they want them to be, like, looking as close to superheroes as possible. Yeah. So I went in there. My boss pulled me in after my third week,

and she goes, I don't want to... You know, I want to... First of all, you're doing a great job. Everybody's great feedback. Mark, Spider-Man. Captain America. Everyone's great. I'm like, oh, you mean, you know, Jason and Steve.

Yeah, well, Spider-Man, Captain America. So they all say you're great, but one thing is you're looking a little pudgy on the sides. Whoa. Like love handles? A little bit, yeah, because it's a skin-to-tight blue spandex suit. And you'd think that would push the love handles in. So if they're popping through that, you got some flubber going on. I mean, they had the fake, you had the fake ab chest.

And I go, I go, yeah, well, she goes, you are a superhero. I go, well, yeah, you know, a theme park superhero. And she goes, right, but so they, you know, and she, by the way, was this ex-Disney princess. And she, you know, she'd also let herself go a little bit. So I felt like, you know, hey, this isn't fair. This is the pot calling the kettle black. Exactly. Was she black?

Somehow I felt like I had to say that. That's somehow I felt I needed to pause. Are you black? No, are you black? Yes. She was the pot calling the kettle black. So are you black? Yes. you are now yes okay well that would explain the bill cosby sure oh god i think i just

started to do bill cosby and i went to tony dance it sounded like tony tony tansom beats bill crosby as the wolverine tony colvery now wait a minute i would want so i bring that up because wolverine i would want the um i don't know i would i think because we had fake claws the adamantia yeah uh which i never knew what that was because i don't know anything about marvel so kids would ask me what are your cloth made of and i was like oh you know fisher price blessed you know yeah and uh and they like isn't adamantium i was like oh shut up and so they uh yeah the claws that was as close i got and it was cool having the claw yeah and so i think i would i think i would want claws like but not out all the time that i could that i could

the wolvering clause totally interesting totally because i mean so i'd have your normal hands and then let's say first of all you never have to carry weapons on you yeah right i'm not a big weapons guy and you could bring like uh you know weird things for lunch like cans of beans you can just open them with your claws i'm a big beans guy you could chop up cucumbers and uh you know uh celery and and uh you know fresh fresh vegetables with your hands you work at trader jo's yes i do also you could protect your dames when you're out on the night You've done it again. This is the third question where you've danced around.

I said to you very specifically if you can genetically splice another living organism, metal claws. What is wrong with you? Are you afraid of my questions? We found out that I used to play wolverine, that I'm black, and I do a terrible Tony. I do a terrible Tony Cosby. You're dancing around. around these questions. Let's try the...

A living organism. If you get attached a living, not metal, living. All right. All right. And then I'm going to ask you some more wolvering questions. What would you? Can I... No, I'm not helping you.

I helped you with the other one with the wide eyes. Do you have a favorite animal? Do you like jellyfish? Do you like amoebas like a kangaroo? If you get out a living organism... What would it be? All right. I would love, I would love to be, I would love to have part of a big foot, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, he's, his, he would like to have his genitalia.

What's, you're saying that with a giant question mark like that is not something. I don't know if there's a better answer. Thank you. You got to it quickly. Finally, we can move on. Wow. Just. Give me some yety genitals and.

and call it a day. The way you twist my questions and skirt around the view, act like you're being interrogated by the CIA, but these are very harmless questions. I'm like Nancy Drew. All right. I want to jump back to Wolverine for a little bit

because I think every guy's got to have this question. I mean, let's be honest. You know, when you dressed up as a superhero. A lot of pressure. But it's a fantasy element to that. Yeah. And women go to the movies. They see the X-Men.

They say Hugh Jackson. Beckman is Wolverine. They probably think he's super hot. So my question is, obviously you had the kids coming up to you at the theme part. Sure. But did you ever get like a haughty, like a mill for a cougar or a 23-year-old chick-go? You know what, dude? I've always wanted to, you know, get it from the Wolverine.

And? You know, when I was seven, I... Oh, dancing around. You are black swan. Just get your scapulose. out and dance around the question. How dare you talk about my scabulas and broad daylight? Well, we just talked about your big cock, your big foot cock.

My Yeti sling? Your Yetty weener. No, did you ever do any? Yes, totally. Your eye candy. I mean, it's exactly that. So what happened? Especially because Wolverine, the X-Men movies came out when I was doing it.

Yeah, he's a sexy dude. He's got the Australian accent. Yeah. He's got the Australian accent. You know, hey, I'm Hugh Jackman, right? Yeah, yeah. And it was Danza again. Yeah, it was.

He, yeah, I, Latino women, big fans. Really? A lot of ass slaps, a lot of trying to, got some genital grabs. Really? Sure in the theme park. And that's why they have these people called PAs, where they also, they're basically like theme park character security, where they make sure you don't get kids hit you or, you know, Asian men sometimes with their sticks. Well, they grab you for pictures.

They're aggressive. Really? So sometimes they would just really just yank you into pictures. A little Asian guy pulling the Wolverine around? Yeah. Who knew his nemesis was Dr. Nakamura. Yeah, right. From Toshiba and Radio Shack.

Yeah, right. Wolverine gets defeated by Japanese tourists. But did you ever follow through? Did you ever like six? There were a couple Australian hotties that came through once and definitely dropped the, you know, hey Hugh Jackman or whatever. And one of them had a, she said she had a weird fetish where she, superheroes and villains and detectives. She said she like had, she and they, because sometimes, and there's this thing too. And sometimes I would break character if they're too, because there's so many foreigners coming through the park.

John Stamos came through the park once. I thought you said foreigners. All of a sudden, John Stamos, how did he get into the four? I'm sorry. I was thinking of Hotties coming through the park. Oh, okay. He's a good looking guy. But you're dancing. Did you close the deal? I met, I met up with them, and then they bailed. So we went up for a little bit. What? They, they bailed. They probably thought you were going to show up in costume. Yeah. And you showed up just in your street clothes.

Yeah. And they were like, because you can't get access to the suit. It sucks. I wanted the, I wanted the, I wanted to see the Wolverine. I wanted the Yeti. I wanted the Yeti. I wanted the Yeti. I wanted to. I wanted to get it Wolverine Yeti style. That sucks, man. Big time sucks. Because I, oh, man, because I'd never had never done that. I broke character to set that up and then... Hungry now.

Now. What about now? Whenever it hits you, wherever you are, grab an O. Henry bar to satisfy your hunger. With its delicious combination of big, crunchy, salty peanuts covered in creamy caramel and chewy fudge with a chocolatey coating. Swing by

a gas station and get an O'Henry today. Oh, hungry, oh Henry. Actually, another thing about it, that's probably exactly why they left because we were hanging out for a while and it was fun, but then in my head I was like, oh, maybe were they kind of joking about that, but then they were like, well, we've got to go, we're friends and we're leaving. Probably not. There's

women fantasize about guys dressing up. I actually auditioned once, believe it or not. Just when I was leaving Canada, I was a little bit thinner, and I auditioned for Spider-Man. I went into this thing, and they put, for like a theme park thing. Right. Not for the movies, but, and so they put me in this Spider-Man costume, and I was supposed to do, like, promotions and go to baseball games and parks and fairs and go all over

Canada, and I got the deal. My audition, I ran into the room, and I didn't even let them talk, and I just ran to the wall and I stuck myself to the wall like not up on the wall but I just and then I started climbing in the window ledge and everything and they loved it and I got the gig and it was like a month later I had

I moved down here to start my career so I never got to fulfill my Spider-Man thing but it was cool it's haunting you still it's haunting me still because it felt cool when you're in that outfit you kind of feel oh for yeah I was a celebrity at that park no doubt about

it like you're awesome so the kids think you're the real thing I joke about it in my act but like man that my second day the kid almost crying telling me I was his favorite thing in the whole world

like that's I mean I hope that I even had that sort of an impact with anything I do ever and let alone you just put on an outfit and you assume the responsibility of somebody who's immediately somebody looks up to you

just because of that like yeah you should you should just go out and do it we should both go out with Spider-Man and Wolverine and hit like a club I mean, I was waiting for you to ask me. Really?

Well, I just did. Well, what are you doing in 15 minutes? Let's do it. Although most of the clubs don't open until nighttime. Well, we'll start at Shakies. Sakey's. Wolverines. I wonder, do people, this is kind of mean, but I have to ask it,

do people with Parkinson's eat at Shakies? Do you think? Do you think they get free drinks, free dessert I would like to think that you've got to give them free everything Yeah Right

And if you're going to name yourself shakies You got to imagine they're going to come in Right Right yeah You got to Some you were going to get confused right Yeah I'd be like Oh shakies let's go there

It'd be like On the flip side Do you let Do you let people who work at a park Go or live at a park go into an ice cream shop called Parkinson's. Interesting.

Interesting. Yeah, I think the answer is yes. Yeah, I think you let it admit, yeah. And that leads us to our quickie question where this is just a yes or no answer. Well, that's going to be tough. And you can't dance around this. You can't say it's yes or no.

It's a quickie, and then we move on. With its long nose, can an elephant sniff its own ass? Yes. Absolutely. right obviously you got it let's move on you're you're a movie guy adams an actor he's a great actor he uh he's hustling in here in hollywood top three movies buddy of all time of all time comedy drama anything yeah just on the top of your list top three uh dumb and dumber number one number one number one wow okay number one yeah uh and by the way to uh not to

toot your own horn too much still i mean still and i've told you this before how iconic your shit is in that movie is so i mean i just watched it the other day with my roommates because it was on and we just sat and watched the whole thing but even as a i think i told you this once being i i was in that was 94 right uh yes yeah so i was in uh a seventh grade wow and huge i mean it was not always everybody quoting it but your shit like i mean i mean nonstop and so like it's pretty surreal to now be doing your podcast that's wild pretty crazy yeah the motorcycle cop and it's not and you i mean just the timing and all that shit like it's just and that scene was what five minutes but like so and in a movie where every moment is memorable

and quoteable yeah and if you're stepping in with those dudes in i mean it was and you i mean and to almost top is like to be one of the most memorable scenes that movie oh thanks dude Wow, I'm going to have to do a black swan armwave and just get some of this. It's my favorite movie. Oh, oh, you had me and then you lost me. I'm sorry. All right, well, thank you for that, man. That's a huge compliment.

Yeah, it's a favorite movie. What's number two? Forrest Gump. Oh, my God. What a great movie. Unreal. That movie hits on so many levels. Comedy, drama, romance, emotion.

Oh, it's a beautiful movie. Isn't it? And also, I think it was maybe the beginning of some really cool CGI shit they were starting to do. Yeah, you know what? Proceeded that one? Preceded that one. Sorry. Fern Gully.

Was Fern Gulley and Zellig? Did you ever see Woody Allen's movie Zellig? No. He did this weird black and white movie where he played this weird guy named Zellig, and he superimposed himself into all these major historical moments. And it looked good? It looked really good. And I think based on what he did there, they kind of, you know, imitated that a bit for Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump is one of those movies where I almost get mad at it.

Yeah. Because it's so good that if I just happen to be channel surfing, like I've got half an hour to kill or something. Or, you know, sometimes you come home late at night. You've been out late. It's like two in the morning. You're like, I'll watch the news for 10 minutes before I drift off. Yep. And then you just cruise past Forrest Gump and you go, great.

No matter where it is, I got to watch the rest of it. No matter where it is. It's, if he's, uh, he just got the purple heart and he's at Washington Square and he's, and he's talking to everybody and the sound goes out and they're trying to fix it. And then he's, that's the last time I watched it was that part. And he's like, and he starts talking and he's, and you can't hear anything. And everyone's like, we can't hear you. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden it gets back in. They go, it's a blue one. They plug in. He goes, so that's what I have to say about that. Yeah. And then. And then he sees Jenny and they run and then, I mean, I love it. It's so beautiful.

And Hanks is probably my favorite actor. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I've got, there's a, there's a handful, you know, Sam Rockwell. Oh, yeah, he's good. But, I mean, Hank's, I just, you know, because Forrest Gump and all, like, Philadelphia, I love. I just watched Big the other day, and I forgot how good he is in that.

That's such a touching movie. There's a great scene in that movie where he's mixing with all these corporate guys at the toy company. He's so innocent and child. so innocent and then this girl kind of gets on his side and he has a romance with him and he's going her her boyfriend at the time goes what the hell's the matter with you what what are you doing hanging around with that guy and she goes because he's the only grown up like she calls him a grown up and it's based on his childlike behavior it's a great line and what's your third movie can i have some kind of a tie yeah um as good as it gets oh beautiful

Beautiful. I mean, and Willie Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. The original? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can't handle this. Are you a big remake guy in general? Not really, unless they friggin' nail it.

Unless they nail it. Now, and what comes to mind of something that's been nailed? Something that they did. I'll have to think about that one, but... Well, they remade Honey I Shrunk the Kids with Rick Brance, but they changed it around and called it Eddie with Whoopi Goldberg. Oh. I don't know if you... No, I didn't see that.

Completely different story. Wow, I wish I had. I love something to commit suicide to. No, Willie, the original, I mean, just because I love the fantasy element, and it's just, and it was so kind of real. And then, like, because as a kid, I remember watching that being like, that factory exists somewhere. This is based off of something. Yeah. It's funny, too, because I remember I talk, you know, Brad Williams, a little person in comic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him and I do a podcast together, and he's a really funny guy. and we he said the first time he saw that you know as a kid he thought that was the first time he saw midgets in movie or TV oh really thought that's what he was going to like that's what his life like before he developed any sort of like you know ambitions and whatever as a kid he thought he'd be working in a chocolate factory yeah he's like that's what we do and he's like at some point I'm going to have to paint my face orange and wear suspenders lubba those are the weirdest little guys the songs they had were great though yeah wow So that's, but as good as it gets to me is, is, it's a great movie. It's just flawless. And Nicholson is unreal, and Greg Ceneer and Helen Hunt, that was probably the last awesome thing she did. Did I tell you the little story I heard about that movie, as good as it gets? Wait.

Did I tell you? Would you tell it again, though? Yeah, there was this, I don't know if I told you're not, but there's a scene where all of them, as good as it gets, they all get in a car and go to a resort. And it's Greg Kinnear, Helen Hunt, and Jack Nicholns. And Jack Nicholson, they go to a resort. To visit his parents. Can you just ask you? Yeah, it's towards the end of the movie.

It's probably three quarters of the way through. And at the resort, they go out to dinner, and there's a little waiter that comes up to their table and serves them. And the little waiter is a little Canadian guy. He's a comic from Canada who worked in an improv troupe called The Vacant Lot. Right. And so I was doing a gig a few months ago, and I bumped into him. And I said, hey, dude, how you doing it?

and I said, I remember you from as good as it gets. I go, do you have any good Jack Nicholson stories? And he goes, I got one that I'll never forget. And I go, what is it? And he goes, well, you know, Helen Hunt was in that movie and Jack Nicholson. And the day we were on the set, you know, Helen Hunt was, you know, being a little bit insecure. And I guess Jack, you know, really kept to himself the whole movie. And Jack was sitting in his director's chair between shots.

And Helen Hunt walked up and she goes, Jack, why are you wearing your glasses? Jack, talk to me. You never talked to me. Jack, she started like poking him and will you say something to me? Talk to me. So apparently this guy said Jack just took his glasses off of it, peaked it out from behind his glasses and looked at her and just said, nice tits. And then put his glasses back on. And I thought, what a great story.

That's unbelievable. Yeah, now he told me that story. I have to believe it's true. It sounds, I mean, it's just so funny. I don't know, and personally, you do better than I. I do. Yeah. It was a cool story.

Well, I mean, he's, at what point did he kind of develop his iconic stature to where he probably felt like, look, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want because I'm great. I think it was probably right around the Shining or I think it was one flew over as the cuckoo's mask. But then the shining solidified it. Took it up a notch. That sealed the deal. All right. Excellent, excellent, uh, excellent movie choices. I love them, man.

And by the way, don't forget, folks, a little later on, we're getting close to it. We're going to be doing the animal quiz with Adam. We do it with all my guests. So we got that coming up in just a little bit. But let's get to one more heavy question. This one's a heavy one, buddy. Okay, I like to probe your mind.

Is that a fat joke, by the way? No, no. That word heavy had nothing to do with it. Fair enough. Let's get to an obese eating problem kind of bedststores. sweats. Oh, bed sores. Bed sores.

That's a different kind of fat. That's a big fat. Are those sores from on that you gave to your bed? Oh, God. Imagine that. You get sores on your body from doing nothing. You're so lazy. Your body's broken out and sores.

That's, that's immobility right there. Here's the question, do you believe in heaven? Come on, guy. Be honest. Do you? But I'm not talking about. religion and God and even though that's probably part of it. Do you believe

there's a heaven as people kind of talk about it or how it's perceived or no? Is this a yes or no question? No, this could be whatever you want. Hopefully it goes a little deeper. I like to I don't consider myself an incredibly

spiritual person. Yeah. I think I've even growing up you're kind of, you know, with Judaism and everything, there's several elements of Judaism that I believe in and I I think for that I enjoy having a religious affiliation. Yeah. You know, doing good deeds for people, family and loving and whatever.

Yeah. That's pretty much, by the way, that's what any rabbi will say to you to get you to become a Jew. Family Jew, whatever. Oh, really? No, that's not true. Oh. That sounds like a terrible. That's a shitty sales page to me.

Come be a Jew. Come be a Jew. Family kids, whatever. Here's what you need. Family kids. Do you have a Yetty penis? Come in. Come in.

You got a Yetty. We circumcums. I would like to think that there's a higher place like that because I think it's like, why not? I don't necessarily think that means I believe that there's a hell, but I think having something like that to also use as a guide to conduct yourself as a decent person, as you should probably try to do already. but to have some sort of like, you know, I don't know, heaven being that thing that's like, should force you to do. A higher place, higher level to achieve to. Yeah.

You know that almost like a reward system. Yes. If you live a good, wholesome, respectful life, your reward is the afterlife in a better place. Totally. I mean, and, you know, and my grandparents are really deep. The only family that I, it's a very small family that was really close to that have passed away. And I'd like to think about them every now and then like, you know, looking down on me. Yeah.

And, you know, and I, but I, yeah, I mean, I think I, that to me opens up an even just bigger question about like afterlife and ghosts and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. It's a big, it's a big question. That's why it's like I said, you know, elaborate as much as you want. because it's a tough one to get your head around. It is, because I, and especially when it's not something you think about all the time. Right. And then, but you kind of do sometimes in the back of your head, you know,

and even, because I, you know, we're talking about just getting older and thinking more about your mortality and, like, I've had a couple of near-death experiences and then that have made me, like, really hone in on it. And they haven't really left me as far as, like, almost day to day where sometimes I'll go to bed and I get fixated on, because I'll hear about things. like people, you know, passing away in their sleep or things just going wrong and, like, so many crazy things that sometimes I'll go to bed night and I can't fall asleep because I'm like, what if I don't wake up? Yeah, yeah, that's scary, right? And then, and, yeah, but I mean, as far as with heaven, I mean, I think, yeah, I mean, yes, because I do think that there, I think there is some sort of, I don't know if we're, if they're, if the ghosts per se are like, like my grandparents are, you know, watching everything like if they're up there.

It's also kind of fun to fantasize about that to, like, be a good person down here, but also to know that the fun doesn't stop. Yeah. You get up to heaven and, you know, get to hang out. It keeps going. Yeah. And wouldn't that be weird, though, if they are sitting up there watching and they're just shaking their heads and they're going, he said, Yeti, penis.

That was the worst Tony Cosby I've ever heard. And I get up there and that's all they say to me. Oh, God. What if they don't let you in for your Bill Cosby impression? That would be a crush. All right, well, a good, honest answer, awesome answer. And, you know, like I said, it's an out there question where you just don't know how people feel about that stuff. But it was interesting to hear your thoughts.

There's a lot in that. You're right. There's a lot in there. But it was good. Awesome. And I think that brings us right to the last segment of our show, buddy. Already? Where it's going to feel like you're in heaven.

Not already. It's been almost an hour. Jesus. Yeah. I always do longer shows when I have. I have guests. Normally I do a half hour. When I have guests, I usually do close to an hour. It's been fun. Oh, it's been great. Great, right? But the, but the fun is still going. This, this is the part where you got to, you got to put your thinking cap on. Are you good with wildlife and animals? I mean, you were a Wolverine. Yes. And I was a bee in the second grade for Halloween. And I've been to the Wild Animal Safari at Walt Disney World at the Wild Animal Park.

So you might be good at the animal quiz. Sure. I've got a great story about that, by the way, if you'd like to hear it at some point. Oh, we'll have, when you come back, you're going to tell us that one. Perfect. Well, let me play the theme song. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz.

All right, here we go. Y'all set, buddy? Oh, you look a little scared. A little intimidated. It's okay. Let me explain how it works just to ease your nerves. It's not going to be pet questions. It's going to be like wild animal.

There is one pet question in here. It just has to be animals in general. But here's what you do is there's four questions. And I ask you the question. Within that question are clues that help you figure out the name of a specific animal. It could be an insect. It could be a reptile, a mammal, a bird. so you all set

So I'm just going to be guessing the name The name of the animal And they're not weird way out there ones They're common animals It isn't We're not here to like The Indonesian Cedar Beetle You're not going to get those

You're going to get I was going to be my answer for everyone Oh damn you It's like it's like $25,000 pyramid For animals That's right That's right Except there's no 25G

You'll be lucky if you leave here With a vital water Here we go Question number one. You better have jelly bastard flavor. Jelly bastard. Ben and Jerry's jelly bastard. Or Ben and Jerry's dog anus?

Dogg anus. God. All right, here we go. Your first question, buddy. Here we go. I am a snake that you might find crawling up the leg of a victorious secret model. I am a snake you might find crawling up the leg of a victorious secret model. calling up the leg of a Victoria's secret model.

A boa constrictor? No. We know it's a snake, so that's a big part of it. Right. Now, maybe break down Victoria's Secret models. What would they have in common with a snake? and I'll try and help you I don't want to see you lose

sexy slithery it's a type of snake It's a type of snake Right Why don't we Why don't we break it down What do Victoria's Secret models commonly wear lingerie

And maybe A Piece of lingerie Different names of lingerie A thong snake. A thong snake. Wow, why do I want there to be such a thing? A thong snake.

Wow. I might have to make that the answer. No, it's not a thong snake. But you're on the right track. A garter snake. Whoa, he got it. He got it. Number one.

The kid got it. I thought you were like bailing and then you just pulled it out of the air. I set up my answers. with a little bit of funny and then go right to the answer. Oh, I got it, a garter snake. All right, this next one's a little tougher. This one's in pieces, so you're going to have to put it together. Question two in the Arland Eyeway Animal Quiz.

Here we go. Guessing my name is almost as pesky as who I am. I am a Muslim place of worship. I am something you must do three times a day, and I am the end part of a crunching. cheese snack. Wow. I am a praying baddeston.

Oh, no, no, Bill Cosby, you are not. Oh, no, you're not. Stop it. I'm praying. You stop doing that voice is what I'm praying for. I am a Muslim place of worship. I am something you must do three times a day, and I am the end part of a crunchy cheese snack.

Grouchy cheese Guessing my name is almost as pesky as who I am Some sort of critter Pesky critter Because we describe critters as being pesky Three times a day I'm thinking of like washing your hands or eating a meal Oh what was that that other one

Washing your hand? No the other one Three eating a meal Eating Oh there we go You got the middle part A flesh eating You got the middle part

You got the middle part of the name and now it's one it's one word but i'm breaking it down into pieces for you it's one okay yeah a you've got the eat eat part okay yeah what's a muslin place of worship a temple a cathedral a cathedral they're trying to build one near ground zero a tower oh the building the thong snake snake again where do they go to worship where do they go to oh the um uh the tents no the uh the big round bubbly top building dome the uh the places that they always they're always getting you know blown up and their sacred muslim places of worship where they throw down the

carpets and they kneel oh yeah the um starts with an m marmalade marmalade it's a marmalade tongue snake by the way that's what I'm naming my first kid oh my god

it's a shit I know it I can see it and this is going to prevent me from getting the answer so it's eat the temple where they pray

three times a day but it's not maybe not praying you want me to give you a hint. You want me to give you this first part? Yes. The mosque. Oh, shit.

So you got the mosque. You got the eat. And the last part is I am the end part of a crunchy cheese snack. Oh. Is that what you say when you eat it? Is it a mosquito? Hey, oh, you got it. You got it.

Wow. It was a struggle, but you got it. Was that a decent pull for me there at the end? Even though you gave me the first part. I feel like I still had that. You got eat and you got O. Mosque was just, you were drawing a blank on mosque. I knew what that was, though.

But my next guest was going to be like, you know, you said Am, I was going to be like Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore, Jellyfish, whatever. All right, let's try number three. This one might be a little bit easier. It might be hard. I am a whale who's part Disney Jungle Book. Wait, I am a whale who's part Disney's Jungle Book bear

and partly annoys a baby makes. I mean, I knew it after you said Jungle Book Bear Because I'm a big fan of Bear Necessities Yes And I'm also a big fan of the sound that babies make Which is Gougu Gaga And if you put together Bear Necessities Song sung by Balloo

And Goo Gaga You get Baluga Goo Goo Goo Gaga Baluga whale You got it, dude That was your fastest one I thought that would be a toughie. That's three. The kids got three.

I've got a large, when I told the rest of my Yeti penis family, when I'm playing the insect game, they said, good luck. Good luck. You're nailing it, dude. And here's our last one. And this is the one that involves a domestic pet, okay? But it should be one you get. I am a popular species of dog that if you were to deflower me on a vegetable farm,

you would get my name. one more time i am a popular species of dog that if you were to deflower me on a vegetable farm you would get my name this one could be tough but the clues are there they're all there the main clues are deflower and vegetable i live on a vegetable farm i'm a popular species of dog that if you were to deflower me on a vegetable farm you would get my name name. Deflower me. A type of dog.

Dflower on a vegetable farm. Best clue I can give you is to start breaking down vegetables. This is one of those ones you're going to be like, oh, yeah. Roll your eyes.

A, well, vegetable farms sometimes on a plantation is it a Dalmatian going with the Asian family of dogs No no That's a stretch that was just me trying it's all right Gotta air that out

I thought we were still in the Disney family No no A vegetable farm If you deflowered a dog On a vegetable farm Get arrested But You also

Would have a The Tuffy, man. This is the, this is what they asked me right before they gave me my bar mitzvah ring. If you can nail the vegetable, you'll nail the dog. You can pick, pick. So they would deflower him on a vegetable, okay. If you deflower. On a vegetable farm.

I might have to give you this. Does the vegetable farm have to do with him? what's he doing it a vegetable farm is it a dog that kind of sounds like the name of a vegetable now you're putting it together

now you're getting the clues it's a cauliflower dog a collie hey oh he got it is it really tea flour you take the flour off of cauliflower

yeah you got a collie he got it dude I was just about to cash that one in I got to be honest I'm feeling pretty smart right now. Good man. Ladies and gentlemen,

Adam Ray slash Wolverine slash Bing Crosby. Whatever his name is. Wow. Awesome work, dude. Four for four on your first animal quiz. How is that? That's great. Amongst other guests you've had.

Usually we get sometimes at two, maybe three. Justinie and Daniels always gets usually. He's good. He usually gets four. He's good. did Angela Lansberry do? Angela Lansberry, she lost and got really bad and jumped through the window. Into a bike with a basket?

Yeah, and she died, and we actually wrote a murder she wrote about her death. Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Ray has been our guest. Adam, you do so many things. You act, you do stand-up comedy all over the country. You have an incredible web series show on the internet. Adam Ray TV I want you to tell the folks about all your stuff

tell them where you're going to be and how they can find you Well you can find Like you said all my videos And stand up tour dates AtamraytTV.com You can listen to my podcast With my comic friend

Brad Williams Called About Last Night on iTunes And And yeah Do you have like a Facebook page and all that? I do. Got a Facebook fan page. I think it's just, it's on my website.

But, you know, I'm on the road, a handful of weeks. I go to the parlor live this weekend. Oh, great. And then back up in Seattle. Yeah, yeah, great club. Great club. So people can find you on through your website where you're going to be. All my state updates and videos on the website and my songs and podcasts.

It's all on the website, AdamrayTV.com. Great. And just so you know, folks, Adams at AdamrayTV.com, if you want to see some hilarious videos. Adam, he does kind of like his own videos, kind of like when you go to Funny or Die. And actually, a lot of Adam's videos show up on Funny or Die.

But if you want to see more hilarious stuff, check them out, folks. Four for four on the animal quiz. He used to be fat, but he ain't no more. Because I cut down on the pudding pops. He's shutting down on the pudding pops, but what we really want him to

cut down on is the Bill Cosby impressions. buddy thanks for being here man love you man it was a lot of fun great to have you here and we'll have adam back again soon that's it folks we are done for today this is harland williams your host here on the harland highway and until next time chicken chow mean baby Thank you.