The Harland Highway - 412: HARLAND AT CRAZY HOLLYWOOD PARTY, Bruce Lee theme park.

Episode Date: July 9, 2012

Harland gives you a detailed report from his insane Hollywood party, girls, celb's, and the Ten Commandments?? What? Also, Bruce Lee theme park, and smokers cough!! Ring rang rung!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

oh my god what a show oh what a throat yes as you can tell i have a bit of a cold happening a bit of a a bad throat but hang in there if you get if you can get through my gravelly sexy voice i promise you this podcast uh will help kick off your summer i mean this is uh i'm going to be talking about a crazy, crazy Hollywood Hills Playboy Mansion-like party that I went to with my buddy Tom Green and all kinds of crazy things. Maybe one of the wackiest things I've ever done in my life.

And, well, probably not. But, you know, it's a good, good adventure. And you want to check that out. And we're going to be talking about Do you like Bruce Lee? I guess they've opened a Bruce Lee theme park in China. We've got to talk about good old Bruce Lee. And then speaking of my raspy voice,

do you know anyone who has a smoker's cough? Not from a cold, but from smoking cigarettes. Pretty disgusting. Like more disgusting than what you're hearing in my voice right now. But as disgusting and awful as it gets, I promise you'll have a beautiful, delicious, wonderful, wonderful time. right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, it's Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway. I just finished reading an article that apparently China is opening a Bruce Lee theme park.

A Bruce Lee theme park. Now, that's got to be dangerous. I mean, right at the front entrance. The guy taking the tickets. Hi, take your ticket, please. You go to hand him the tickets. You get drop-kicked right in the face. You go to buy some cotton candy at one of the little snack stands.

I have some cotton candy preys. Just get your ass kicked. I don't know. What kind of rides do they have at a Bruce Lee theme park? Hey, kids, you want to go on the roller coaster? No, let's go on the karate start of the forehead ride. Hey, I was the ride, man. Not bad, I got three broken bones, a cracked vertebrae, and my throat got punched in.

Oh, that's that num chuck ride. I love that, man. Bruce Lee theme part. What's next, Charles Manson World? Jackie Chan's House of Pancakes? Yeah, bring me some chocolate chip flap jacks. Ow! I didn't mean right in the face, man. Ah, theme parks, parties, get-togethers, barbecues, movies. We're human beings.

We need to be entertained, don't we? We need to go and ride roller coasters and jump on log rides and smash each other's spines with bumper cars. We have to build bouncy castles for our kids. you know we we love it so let me tell you about a party i attended here in good old holly weird okay uh it's summertime it's party time and uh a buddy of mine called me up he says hey man you want to go to a party at the playboy mansion and i'm like yeah okay i'll go resistance in my voice. Not that I love it up there, but, you know, it's a fun time.

What can I say? So it turns out it's not necessarily the Playboy Mansion, he finds out, after I agree. But it's another mansion in the Hills, the Beverly Hills, and it's just like the Playboy Mansion. And it's going to be wild. So I'm like, what the hell, man? It's summer. I've been working hard all year. I deserve a good party.

Okay? So I sign off. This is about, you know, two and a half, three weeks out this guy invited me. Okay? And then, sure enough, like two weeks later, my buddy Tom Green goes, Hey, Jerry, you want to go to a party? And I go, sure, where? he goes up at this mansion the candy land party i go wait a minute the candy land party i've already

been invited to that dude he's like oh wow okay well meet you up there and i'm like cool so now i got a buddy up there and here's how it works it's it's one of these really strict parties which i didn't know about i just thought it was a party but it's a strict party where you're on a special list And here's how it works. My buddy picks me up in Holly Weird. We drive over to Westwood, which is, you know, over by Beverly Hills. We park the car in this giant underground garage. We walk through the underground garage, and there's a bunch of tables set up with letters.

And what you have to do is you have to get in the line with the letter that corresponds with your last name. I'm like, wow, okay. So here we are in the underground garage. I get in the line. I get my, get up there. Lady asked to see my driver's license. I'm like, okay, never had to give my driver's license to go to a party. What is it a driving party?

Is it a go-car party? Is it a DMV party? Department of Motor Vehicles? I don't know. So I get up there and they give me a wristband. and they lock it in. It's like one of these ones that's the elaborate one where you have to push it through a flap

and then bend it back and then put it on a clip. It was like, geez, fancy armband here. What am I, five? So then we walk through the garage and there's these two big security guys in black tuxedos. Let me see a wristband. Beep, beep, beep. All right, go ahead, man.

You know, they scan our wristband, okay? So we go up some stairs. Now we're out on the sidewalk, and there's shuttle buses, okay? Giant shuttle buses, like those airport shuttle buses. And I guess this was some kind of party where they duped the girls, and they said, hey, girls, the only way you can get into this party is if you're pretty much half naked. All right? You got to be wearing a thong.

got to be wearing a bikini, you got to be pretty much wearing next to nothing. And all the girls went for it. So now I'm in this long line with my buddy, my buddy court. We're loading into the shuttle and just a lineup of girls in next to nothing. Like, this could be a fun party. So we get in this shuttle. The shuttle winds through the hills of Bucson. Beverly Hills, we pull into this giant mansion, we get out of the shuttle.

There's another guy. Let me see your wristband. Pee, beep, beep, beep, beep. By this time, this was like the fifth time we had done it when we had to get on the shuttle. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It was crazy, right? So we get chopped off. Here we are this mansion, and it was a mansion, dudes.

I mean, this thing, oh, my God. I don't even know how someone could live there. It was like, it was bigger than a nice, fancy hotel. It was crazy. We get off the shuttle and it's just going off, man. There is music and a DJ and half of it's outside and half of it's inside and girls and next to nothing and people wandering around and free bar and it was crazy. So we're wandering around and there he is.

I'd bump into Tom Grant. I'm like, hey, buddy! So we hung out together the whole night. We didn't even leave each other's side. And then all of a sudden, Crispin Glover walks up. All right? You know, George McFly? You leave her alone, Beth?

You know, that guy from back to the future? George McFly, suddenly that guy's there standing with us, eating a little, some sherburner. something. George, help me. Just turn around, McFly, and walk away. Are you deaf McFly? Close the door and beat it. No, Biff. You leave her alone. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping

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Get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, there's a girl walking by us with her breasts hanging out. There's a girl in front of us with a pair of painted on shorts. When I say paint it on, not to be rude, but I can see her whole, you know what? her whole Bermuda triangle was

you can't hide that with a layer of acrylic paint and we were just kind of good God I'm standing there with Tom Green on one side George McFly on the other he's eating you know mango Sherbert and I got some haughty

with her Bermuda Triangle staring at us music playing laser lights and they put it in perspective, there had to be probably like, I don't know, I'd say maybe 2,000 people of this thing, a thousand at least. I mean, it was a giant mansion with the gardens and the topiary plants. And, oh, it was crazy. And so I'm having a good time.

And then we bump into Bill Maher and listen to me, name drop him. but I find it exciting when you bump into people, you know, celebs at these things. And I know Bill Maher, I used to do his show politically incorrect. I did that thing back in the day like a hundred times. So we stopped and shot the breeze with Bill Maher. And then we had a few beers, and all of a sudden the silliness starts. I made the mistake of saying out loud to some beautiful girls that were talking to us. They said, hey, girls, do you like the olive garden?

And they're like, ooh, I don't know. And I said, well, listen, me and Tom Green have just opened an olive garden in Hollywood. All you can eat garlic bread Wednesday nights. Come on down. And they were actually, one of them even pulled out their phone and was like, okay, give me the address. Well, you saw a big grin creep across Tom Green's phone. face, and we'd kind of found our topic for the night. And so no word of a lie, for the next, like, three hours, we wandered around this party,

talking to beautiful women, convincing them we had an olive garden franchise that just opened. And Wednesdays were the crazy all-you-can-eat-garlic-stick night. And on top of that, we're riding a bit of a beer buzz. And we're doing our best improv, and we're staying focused, doing our best to convince anyone who would talk to us that we've opened an olive garden. And needless to say, we had a lot of fun. A lot of fun.

This went on for hours. Okay? And then it was time to leave that the giant mansion and the half-nude girls and the free booze and the George McFly's, leave her. alone, Beth. You get your hands off her, Beth. And getting out of there was not as easy, okay? Suddenly, everyone wanted to leave it once, 1,000, 2,000 people. So, everyone rushed to where the shuttles were coming in,

and suddenly it was reminiscent of, you know, when these kids get crushed to death, the concerts everyone was pushing up against where the shuttles were coming and you got a whole line of giant meat-headed security guys in black tuxedos they're yelling everybody get back get the fuck back their veins are popping out of their bald heads they're pushing people girls are screaming people are getting pushed around and at this point we're kind of near back of this mob and we're like we're moving about a foot a second because remember these shuttles are like the airport shuttles they only take about you know 30 people at a time maybe 40 when you've got a mob of 1,000 2,000 people that's a slow process so we're standing back in this

mob we're still convincing people to come to our olive garden and we're not making any progress and then what might have been the biggest stroke of brilliance or maybe the meanest thing I've ever done but I think it was just fun out of the shadows out of the through the throngs of drunken people through the shouts and the screams emerges a kid in a wheelchair

a kid that comes to my shows a lot, a kid that's a huge fan. And this kid lights up and he's like, Hey, Arlen, how you doing? Here's my phone. Give me your contact information. I love you. And I said, hey, man, how you doing, a little buddy?

I remember you're at my show in California here a couple of months ago. And great to see you. Nice to see you out at this party. he's like yeah that's great i got to get to the i got to get to the road i got to get to the sidewalk and get my ride i go are you in one of these shuttles he goes no i got a private car and i went ding here we go i just found my ticket through this giant mob and i'm going to be performing a good Indeed. I grabbed the handles of his wheelchair and I was like, buddy, let's get you to the sidewalk. So here we go. Tom Green, court. A couple of girls that latched onto us. I turned around and their eyes lit up with half shock and horror.

Like, oh no, Harlan, you're not about to do what you're about to do. And the other half was, oh my God, I think Harlan might be a G. And keep of mind, this was all kind of in fun, and I was helping the kid. But at the same time, I had kind of this crafty look on my face, like, all right, we're in desperation mode. This crippled kid's going to get us to the shuttle. So here I am. I got this kid. He's got one of these real fancy wheelchairs. He's got his little baseball hat on.

Nice kid, full of life, smiling. can't remember his name, and I start pushing. And I'm like, come on, gang, let's go. Let's go. Here we go now. Come on, folks. Come on now. Here we go.

Coming through, guys. People turned around. And I don't know if you ever saw the Ten Commandments, okay, with Charlton Heston. But there's a big scene at the end of the movie where Charlton Heston is Moses. And he leads thousands and thousands and millions of slaves to the Red Sea. They're being chased by the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, who wants to slaughter them. And they're running through the desert and they're defying nature. And finally they get to the Red Sea and they've gone as far as they can go.

They're going to be killed. And Moses, with the power of God and still, in him, waves his staff over the Red Sea, and the waves part. The Red Sea splits. It actually splits into water moving to each side, and all the slaves of Moses wade right through the middle of the ocean. The Lord of hosts will do battle for us. Behold his mighty hands.

And as quickly as they wade through, the water crashes in behind the and drowns all the Egyptians chasing them in their chariots. So what I'm saying is, I was Moses, and this kid in the wheelchair was my staff, and I waved it, and we pushed right through that line, man. Like the slaves going through the Red Sea. Moses, or Harland, who now owned an imaginary olive garden in Hollywood, was parting the sea of drunken humans.

Lead them through the midst of the water. His will be done. He opens the waters before them. Let us go from this place. Men cannot fight against a god. Better to die in battle with a god that live in shame. All the while reminding them about free, garlic bread Wednesday bread stick night.

Tom Green in the back for support. Yeah, don't forget, free breadstick night and sizzle shrimp Tuesdays. And so here's court, and here's Tom, and here's these two girls following him behind, like my Egyptian slaves, and people yelling, and even the big bouncer with the vainy heads were getting in, and they saw my dilemma. they heard me yelling they saw the little kid with the twisted baseball hat all crippled up in his chair

and they came running with their little flashlights and they're waving us through come on it's like they're landing a jet and I'll be darned if me and little tiny Tim didn't get right through to the front of that shuttle line

in record time so two functional were served there one i helped a little crippled guy okay weren't we all raised to help the old lady across the street yes i did that two did he in turn help me get through throngs of wild party animals and expedite my mission to the shuttle van yes did i feel good that i helped this little crippled guy, get to where he needed to go. Yes, half my smile was a smile of fulfillment. One of my eyes was twinkling with gratification at my good deed. Was the other side of my smile, a mischievous grin where I was like, I just pulled off

the best caper in the world, and a devious little squint in my eyes. where I'm like There's no effing way You just used a cripple kid in a wheelchair as a decoy You son of a bitch Well let's just say it all happened And everyone came out unscathed And it all worked out

That is until we got on the shuttle Okay So if anyone out here is thinking, Harland, you son of a bitch. You used a cripple kid to get through the crowd. How dare you? Well, karma is karma. We get on this shuttle bus.

It smelled like someone took a dump and then puked on top of their dump. Everyone who walked in that shuttle put their hand over their mouth like they had just walked into a, you know, like a mass grave. and it was wretched. It was rank. Some stupid drunk probably puked or pooed their pants or whatever. So I plopped down in the front seat by the window.

Someone else sat down beside me. Tom and Cork got in a little after me. They had to go to the back of the shuttle. And we're halfway back to that underground garage, and I'm like, we made it. yes I had to use a crippled boy to get us out but we made it and then as we were sitting there

I brushed the side of my pant leg and I felt something gooey I looked down at my leg I looked down at my hand there was some orange brownish spongy liquidy substance on my hand and on my pant leg what looked like a merry calendars

or a Denny's slice of meatloaf on the side of my leg I couldn't even examine it I caught a glimpse of it and quickly snapped my head away as if you were a guy who was looking at a hot girl and the tough boyfriend caught you looking and you just snap your head away. You're like, oh my God, I hope he didn't see me.

I hope he didn't see me. That's how repulsed I was. I realized that horrible stink on that shuttle must have been dropped right in my seat up against the wall of the shuttle and I had been resting my leg on it

for half the ride. Oh my God. I'm sitting there going, Dear Lord, I'm sorry I used a crippled boy to help us get through the crowd. I understand you're paying me back with this Denny's meatloaf on my leg. I deserve it, Lord. I will never do what I did again. And as the van pulled up, and we were about to get out, and our party was over, from the back of the shuttle I heard

Tom Green yell Don't forget All you can eat garlic breadstick night And Harlan and I's new Olive Garden in Hollywood Yeah Yeah

Ha ha ha Uh huh ha Uh huh Yeah Yeah Yeah How about that That smoker's cough

Hmm Ugh, not the worst. People who smoke and then they start coughing. You can almost picture their black lungs and all the gunk coming up. It's like watching, like, guys tar a road in the middle of the summer, just shoveling all that black crap onto the ground. And you get a cougher. It's never just a quick cough, right?

Like when you got a cold. When you get a cold, it's like, excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry. Coffer's got that long, like, nine-minute cough, man. God, it sounds like someone's starting up their tractor in the morning, man. Doesn't it? Sound like some old dirty farmer trying to get his John Deer to turn over? They start shaking. and their fingers are trembling.

You know there's stuff coming up. Then they got a mouth full. It's like Turkish toffee or something. They hork it onto the ground, and it sticks there like a jellyfish. You want to go over and help them, but before you can get there, they laid up another cigarette.

Oh, yeah, I don't need Vicks. Cough drops or vapo rub. I need another cigarette. Good Lord. Sounds like a walrus making a mating call, doesn't it? You'd love to see a walrus come flying down the street. Some guy's coughing up a lung. Here comes a walrus.

And you know the smoker can't run away because he's got black lung, man. He doesn't have the wind. Put your smokes out, people. before you get walrus love all over you here on the harland highway yeah yeah i figured that'd be a good topic to end on that smoker's hack because as you can tell by listening to me my voice i have a bit of a hack a bit of a cold i don't smoke that to be honest i think i got this thing from all the yelling and screaming i was doing at that damn candy land party okay um you know and it was outside and it was got a little cold at night and you know you just out too long so anyways there you go we ended on some walrus loving smoking

stuff uh let's do some announcements and i'm going to go get some night quill or something or swallow a you know a can of raid or something spray my throat what's going on uh let's see july 21st saturday night july 21st i'm going to be doing stand-up comedy comedy in holly at a really cool jazz bar called the Mint, M-I-N-T. It's awesome. It's a really slick place. They don't traditionally do stand-up there, but we're doing a special night of stand-up,

and I think you'll really like it if you're in town. Come and check it out. That'll be Saturday, July 21st, at the Mint on Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles. really cool joint. So even if you don't like my stand-up, you'll like the place. Let's hope my voice is better by then.

The only good news about my voice is I'll keep my damn announcement short. Don't forget, you can call me at 323-739-4330, or you can write me at harlomwiliams.com. Don't forget, we have the web store there. You can pick up your Harlan Williams merch. And check out the... comedy schedule while you're there all kinds of great comedy shows across the country coming up in the fall uh don't forget to visit me at harlan williams at twitter uh official harlan williams

facebook and the harland williams youtube channel where we have all kinds of cool videos and uh that's it gang i'm going to go uh find myself a walrus cuddle up and uh drink a can of antifreeze so i hope you had a great time here on the Harlan Highway. We'll see you at the Olive Garden. We'll be ordering a great big bowl of chicken Chalman baby.

Cod opens his sea with the blast of his nostrils.