The Harland Highway - 414: Adult toys, shark attack, Jolly Joker Jr.

Episode Date: July 16, 2012

Do you have any adult toys? Man killed by a shark, babies in freezers and Jolly Joker Jr, returns. Click clack clunk!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a beautiful dying in the neighborhood, a beautiful die on the neighbor, won't you be my neighborhood? All right, that was warped. But then again, so is the Harland Highway, and that's why you're here. Welcome, one and all, to the Harland Highway. I am your host, Harlan Williams. What a show we have for you today? All kinds of fun topics, all kinds of craziness.

We're going to be talking about adult toys. Ad all toys, ladies and gentlemen. Not what you think. So stay tuned for that. There's a horrible story in the news about a shark attack in Australia. You will be shocked and horrified to hear what happened. Hopefully it never happens to you. And then maybe even more disturbing.

Another horrible story in the news. Some idiot through a baby in a first. freezer. Wait, do you hear this melon camp, this John Cougar melon camp, whatever that means. And then a few other surprises here on today's episode. I won't give them away, but you'll hear them. Surely as my name is Adam Carolla, you'll hear them. What? So put on your seatbelts, strap on your Velcro, because here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. So how many of you still have toys on your bed talking to the adults? Yeah, the 20 and over crowd. How many you girls still have a little teddy bear?

Or how many you guys still have a little pillow that, looks like a football, huh? Isn't that weird? You ever go over and you, uh, you're just getting to know a little lady and you're sleeping over for the first time? And you're like, oh, I'm hot. I gotta throw some of these blankets off. And there's this one moldy green one between you and her.

It looks like a dead dog laid down in the bed. It's all ratty. Even Linus from Charlie Brown would throw this sucker away. And you throw it off the bed and she freaks. Ah, that's my security blanket. Ah, give it back, give it back. I can't live without my security blanket. Wah!

Uh, hello, baby. You're 29 years old. All right, that's just a little creepy. I'll be honest. I have a little something, something on my bed. I have a little Donald Duck doll. Yeah, that's right. A little Donald Duck doll from when I was a little boy, it's still on my bad.

Okay? Yeah, that's right. I said, I like Donald Duck, and I like that doll, because it reminds me of when I was a little boy, and Al-Qaeda's weren't blowing up the world, and people weren't mean, and life was just life and I was fascinated by a dragonfly

and a beautiful flower and clouds floating by and when I look at my little Donald Duck it reminds me of the innocence of youth and I'll take that over a jaded, skeezy old scag any day

but I won't say no to a nice open-minded friendly, voluptuous, beautiful, kind-spirited woman. It's Harland Williams. Right, Donald? There, I did it. I fessed up. It's all out there now.

You know everything about me. I keep a Donald duck on my band. Actually, I have a new toy, which is kind of cool. I'm a Scorpio. And when I was walking through an airport one day, I went into, like, the Discovery Store. And they had, like, these stuffed scorpions that looked really cool. And I'm like, oh, man, I'm a scorpio.

I'm going to buy me a scorpion. And then after I got it home, I was like, wait a minute. Is a scorpio the same as a scorpion? I mean, I know there's technically an animal called a scorpion, but I don't know if there's technically an animal called a scorpio. So now I'm all mixed up, and I'm going to drink. a bottle of windax and clear my hat all right what was that voice idiot now you know why i still have toys on my bed i'm an idiot but a likable idiot right right hello hello um so anyways uh

you know how many of you have stuff i asked earlier how many guys have a little football or uh you know i i have this other one i i sometimes bring out um and i you know i kind of was forced into this one i have four sisters and my sisters a couple of christmases ago they bought me a stuffed piece of bacon okay they know i have a goofy sense of humor somewhere somehow they found a stuffed plush toy that is a strip of bacon with eyes on it. So if you come to my house and you decide to have a nap because I just wore you out and you lay down on my bed and there's about a two-foot strip of plush soft bacon laying beside you looking at you, that's all it is. You need not be worried. Okay. Now if any of you have a

Hold on. Roger, what is that noise? What? What is that noise I'm hearing? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I don't want him here. We are not having that Japanese joke robot. I don't care if Mr. Featherstone said,

no, do not let Jolly Joker Jr. in here. I will handle the comedy. Ah, here he comes. Here he comes. Oh, boy, look at this, a Japanese robot. Whoopty-do. I suppose you have some more of your Japanese, hilarious jokes for me, huh? Jolly Joker, Jr.?

Why isn't Saturn allowed to take a bath? Because it would leave rings in the tub. Oh, God. And I love the way you laugh at your own jokes, Jolly Joker, Jr. Come on, Roger. I can't allow this I'm doing a high-end comedy podcast here and Featherstone sends this

Tard in? Yes I said Tard His jokes are stupid Oh here he goes again What did the hungry cat say When she saw two birds lying in the sun I love Baskin Robbins Okay enough Get out

Jolly Joker, Jr., no more... Where does ice cream come from? A herd of cows that lives really far north. Stop the dumb laughing, you stupid robot. A herd of cows that lives really far north. I've heard better jokes in a schoolyard by two-year-olds. Roger, we can't do this. And what's with the goofy robot noises?

I got to go talk to Feather's stuff. man. I do the comedy here. Okay, not a Japanese robot, Jolly Joker Jr. Since one of the Japanese known for their hilarity. Get them out of here.

What is the sweetest school subject? History, because it's full of dates. Hi. Oh, God. I'm going to see Featherstone. I got to go up and see Featherstone. Let's do one more bit, and then

I'm going up there. I'm not going to put up with this crap. Get out of here. Joker Jr. Out. Sayonora, you Japanese freak. God, let's do one more bit, Roger, and then I'm upstairs.

I'm not going to put up with this. Hey, stupid. Oh, oh, we got a moron here. Is that it? Why don't you get it to pay with some brains in it? Okay, so it happened. It finally happened. Some big, juicy dumbass, and this is a real story, I hate to report, but it is.

Some dumbass put his baby in a freezer. Yeah, talk about needing to take a course in child care. All right, this guy was taking care of his girlfriend's baby. Well, she was at work, and the baby got a fever. So instead of old dumbass calling the hospital, or calling his girlfriend, And he's like, hey, man, how do you cool something down when it's hot? Like, if I have a warm beer and I want to make it cool down real fast so I can drink it, I throw it in the freezer, man.

So this guy opens the freezer, tosses the baby in, there it is, it's got a bag of frozen peas for a pillow, a couple of egg of waffles under its ass, a couple of popsicles to rest its feet on. I mean, are you kidding me? This guy's insane. I mean, what does he do if he gets cold? Billy, you look a little cold there. Go stand in the fireplace.

Daddy's going to throw a few logs on there and warm me up real nice. Ow! This guy is a crackpot, man. Children beware. There are some dopey parents out there. There are some dumbass adults. If you've got a fever, keep it to yourself. Ride it out.

out, man. Are you going to be in there with fish sticks and frozen corn nimblets, baby? You should put some of these dumb parents in the freezer. Keep them frozen like Ted Williams. We'll defrost them when the human race starts to smarten up. Well, here I go. I'm getting ready to go into my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone, and I'm fired up. I mean, normally I wait for him to call me up here, but, you know, I'm, I've had it. I mean, this is a deal breaker. So I'm up here. I'm in the lobby.

Hi, Sarah. There's his receptionist, Sarah. And I guess I just got to wait for him to usher me in. And what's that? I can go in now? Okay, great. Thank you. Here I go.

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Hi, Mr. Featherstone, sir. Oh, what are you doing here? Well, sir, I'm afraid I'm not here. Well, spit it out. I'm afraid I'm not here. here because I'm happy? What are you saying? I'm here, I'm flustered. I bet you are. What's that mean?

Oh, I bet you're flustered. That's probably where you hang down at the Wilton carrot. The Wilton carrot? You know that funny little bar down there, downtown. What funny little bar? The Wilton carrot.

You know what it is. Sir, isn't that a gay bar? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. I'm not going to, what, spit it out, holy? Holy? It's Harland.

What is it? Harland? William, sir. Howly, wowly? Oh, come on. What do you want? I'm a busy guy. Listen, sir, I got to talk to you about this Jolly Joker,

Junior. Oh, yeah, that terrific little apparatus we got from the foreign east. The foreign east? The Middle East. From Japan, sir. I said the East. Well, the East isn't the Middle East. Ah, it's East, isn't it?

Good Lord, sir. Yeah, good Lord, indeed. Best investment I ever made. Finally, your show's getting some laughs. Now, I'm insulted by that, sir. Oh, you're insulted by that, are you? Well, I'm insulted that people don't find your show funny. Well, that's not what I'm hearing. Well, it's hard to hear with all the loud music playing down at the slippery catfish.

The what? Ah, come on, the slippery catfish, you and your guy friends raving all night. I do not go to the slippery catfish and raves, sir. What does that mean? Ah, yeah. Sir, look, I do comedy. I'll be the judge of that. I do comedy, sir,

and I cannot have a Japanese robot rolling into my show willy-nilly and doing stupid grade three jokes. I'll be the judge of who does what, okay? Slappy happy? What? You heard me slapy-happy. Why are you calling me?

slappy happy, sir. Why wouldn't I? Look at you. You look like you need to be slapped and you're happy. I don't know what in the hell that meant. I bet you didn't.

Well, I'm not going to put up with it. I'll tell you what you're going to put up with. But before I do, let me ask you something. What? Have you ever fought on an old lady's wig? What? Have you ever fought it all over an old lady's wig? wig, a big white curly wig.

Wow. You know what? I'm not even going to humor that question. Speaking of humor, let's get back to Jolly Jokin' Jr. Now, this joke machine costs me a million dollars, okay? This is a high... A million dollars! That's what I said.

I don't even get up a mere portion of that from this outfit. And you're spending a million dollars. Why didn't you just give me the million dollars? and why don't you just give me some funny ha ha ha they're uh giggles mctinkled dollars giggles mctinkle dollars that's what i called you because if i had some giggles i wouldn't be pissing away my dollars okay you know what sir i'm really insulted here that you would just force me to have this idiot jolly joker junior tell his jokes and the real kicker is he laughs at the end of his own jokes. Well, at least somebody's laughing around here.

Think I'm making any money off of your prodcast? Prodcast? That's what I call it. Because somebody's prodding me right up the old hello box. Sir, look, I'm just going to spit this out. Oh, I bet you are. I bet that's something you do down at the curly sideburns. What is the curly sideburn, sir?

That's one of those bars you go down to there on Thursday nights for rodeo riding. What? Uh-huh. What does that mean? Uh-huh. Oh, God. I'm going to ask you one more time, sir. Is Jolly Joker Jr. going to do the humor on my show?

Or am I going to have to walk? Well, I don't know. You got your running shit? on. What does that mean? Because you better get walking. Jolly Joking Jr. ain't going anywhere. Oh, boy. And by the way, you ever fought? Oh, can you stop with the fart stuff, sir? I'm the boss here. I'll ask the questions. Good Lord.

That's a good thing to say. Good Lord. You ever fought on a holy Bible. Sir, that is sacrilege. Yeah, and so is what you do down at the burnt olive. Would you quit naming all these gay bars, sir? I'm not gay. Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh.

All right, I'm getting out of here. I'm just saying that Jolly Joker Jr. better be gone. Or I'm gone. Well, you better pack your bag because Jolly Joker Jr. ain't going anywhere. That guy's hilarious. And I love the way he laughs

in his own material. Oh, God. This was a waste of time. one more thing before you go what is it sir have you ever farted into a jar of pickles what i'm not talking dill pickles i'm talking those little thinly sliced bread and butter pickles you know the ones with the real sweet taste you ever fart one of those and make a bunch of pickle bubbles pickle bubbles that's what i said you got wax in your ears i'm got i gotta go sir you'll go what I tell you to go Now you sit down

And hold on here comes a phone Alright now you go I gotta take this call Get the hell out of here I was about to leave anyways I'll tell you what to leave Get out I was gonna leave anyways sir

Oh we're gonna have a pissing match Now get out of here A jolly joker juniors Hilarious Goodbye sir Goodbye Bisexual that is Sir

Great. Boy, that went well. Life just sucks sometimes. He didn't care. He didn't care that he was stepping on my toes. He thinks technology is the answer to... We'll see. Well, I'm going to play this one out.

We'll see how quickly you guys be the judge, the pavement pounders. I'm sure you'll get a lot of emails to... Harlowyms.com, or you can phone me at 323-739-4-3-3-0. I think you'll be on my side, and Jolly Joker will be out. Jolly Joker, Jr. I guess I shouldn't complain. Did you hear this story in the news? Unbelievable.

Some guy in Australia, okay, on the weekend. got bit in half by a great white shark, man. And I guess I'm chuckling a little because it almost seems cartoony. It almost seems unreal, right? But no, this was in USA today. Some guy was out there, you know, flying across the waves.

And there was a guy on a wave runner, and he noticed like this, just this big eruption, in the water and he saw blood everywhere everything was turning red and so he said he motored back to uh motored over to where this this surfer was and he said it was like half a body half the body was just gone and he tried to retrieve the thing and he said the shark came at him and tried to knock him off his wave runner now if that that isn't enough to get your ass out of dodge this guy was pretty heroic he said he circled back again to try and save this guy or half a guy you know can you save

half a guy is there anything to what if what if the half that was floating was the legs hey man grab my hand reach up and and wrap your toes around my fingers dude dude you know or if it's the upper half um what do you do the guy just grabs on you and clings to you like a little koala it's like grab me dude don't worry i got you dude i'd wrap my legs around you but they're in that shark stomach dead so kind of creepy man and you got to ask yourself uh is it worth it is it worth worth the risk i mean let let me uh put it out here as an equation okay your whole life okay could be 80 years 70 years your whole life versus a number of hours spent floating around on a wave on a surfboard if you accumulate all those hours maybe all the hours you spent on a

surfboard in your life unless you're a professional surfer but if you're just recreational, I don't know, what do you want to put down like maybe 100 hours, maybe 50 hours of your whole life? So 50 hours versus 80 years. You do the math. Which would you rather have? And then I'm one to speak.

Check this out, okay? I was down in Florida recently. And they have a season. down there it's called scallop season where you can go diving and uh you can go and pick scallops up off the bottom of the ocean you can go diving in about you know eight nine feet of water and uh the scallops are out there and they have a season and you can go pick them up and uh put them in a little net and uh go home or go to your hotel or go to your friend's beach house or whatever and cut them open and take the scallop meat out and cook it.

And so part of my summer vacation, that's what I did. Yours truly went scallops snorkeling. And the reason I'm bringing it up is, well, A, it was fun, and it was one of the most delicious things I've ever done. When I say scallops, we're talking about the Gulf of Mexico, right? And the scallops there are the little tiny ones. They look like earplugs. Not the big giant bay scallops that look like hockey pucks.

I'm talking about the little tiny ones about the size of the tip of your thumb. But, oh, my God. So I go snorkeling around, and I'm picking up scallops off the bottom of the ocean. And I decide to go out early in the morning. No one else is around, okay? I go out by myself in my undies. I got my flippers on and my little mask. and I'm snorkeling around in about like five, six feet of water.

And sure enough, there's these scallops. I catch a bunch. I'm out there for about half an hour. And here's where the story is intertwined. Somebody just down the beach said they saw a 14-foot hammerhead shark recently. Within weeks. They said that they had seen a bull shark or two. said they saw a tiger shark now two of those sharks are known manhunter's the tiger shark and the

hammerhead are known to attack humans and and i've heard stories that the tiger shark is second to the great white so here's papa idiot out thinking gee and let me do another math equation a nice yummy plate of you know 20 fried scallops versus my whole life so i don't know man nature's random you never know when it's coming but uh you know i'd probably rather get nailed by a shark than have a stroke in the in a hospital you know i'm just saying you get you you get busy living or you get busy dying. Remember that from Sharsh Sharksank Redemption? I twisted the name for the purposes of this story,

the Sharkshank Redemption. But, you know, you can just rot away in a coma ward or you can, you know, get out there and be killed by something fun. Either way. So there you go. Rest in peace, or should I say rest in pieces. to the poor guy that got hit by the shark. And, you know, let's hope none of us ever get it.

And if we do, let's hope we get some delicious seafood before the shark gets us. Oh, boy, what a cycle of life. And, oh, no, no, no, no, I said no more, Roger. What do you mean, it's mandate? Oh, God, here we go again. I'm stopping the show. What? I'll be fired. Okay, let him do his jokes, and then I'm ending the show.

I'm sorry, folks, we have to go out on this. Jolly Joker Jr.'s here again, and here. How about some million-dollar Japanese crappy jokes? Go ahead, Jolly Joker, Jr. Sizzle us with your wit. What do you got your own HBO special yet there, Jolly Joker Jr? What did the caterpillar say to his brother when he got stuck in a peach? I'd like to see you worm your way out of that one.

Out, get him out, Roger. Get this dildo, this Japanese dildo out of here. I don't care if he costs a million dollars. Go buy a box of a million dollars where the dildos. This guy's an idiot. What happens when you annoy a clock? It gets ticked off. I'm ticked off.

Get them out of here. Get out. Stop the goofy, stupid laughing. Out! You call a set of dental x-rays. Toothpicks. Stop it. Stop laughing.

Get out. God. Way to ruin a perfectly good show right at the end. I don't want that guy back. Jolly Joker Jr. is banned from the Harlan Highway. I'm going to lose listeners. Featherstone doesn't know anything about comedy. I do the comedy, okay, Roger? I'll be damn dead and buried.

I'll be eaten in half by a shark before I let that million-dollar joke machine back in here. God! What an insult to my listeners' intelligence. And I know they're going to write me and call me and back me up on this. Wow. Giant Japanese dildo is what that is. All right, we got end the show, folks. I'm just too fired up.

I am pissed. Well, if you want to get some laughs, and I'm going to unwind. But tomorrow night in Burbank, California, it's the apple tree boys. me and my comic buddy, Sean Tweedley, we're going to be doing an all-improve show tomorrow night in Burbank, California, 8 o'clock at Flappers Comedy Club. We're going to be taking suggestions from the crowd.

We're going to be showing you how comedy's really done, Japan. Okay? So come on down and enjoy that, and I hope we see you there. Don't forget to write me at harlornwilliams.com. You can call, leave them. message 323, 739, 433.30. And I hope you'll support me on trying to get Jolly Joker Jr. banned from the

Harland Highway, please. Well, that's it. I'm riled up. I'm going to go jump in the ocean and bite a shark in half. That's what I'm going to do. Dumbass. So there you go. Until next time.

and I hate to do this, but as they say in Japan, chicken, chalmain, baby.