The Harland Highway - 416: Harland's femenine side, Dr. Ascot, toenails.

Episode Date: July 23, 2012

Harland explores his feminine side, men's toenails, depressed whales, irritation at the hotel check in, girls with deep voices, and a vist with Dr. Ascot. Lord love a lumpy flump!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the good ship, lollipop. It's a good... No, no, no. We don't start the show with Shirley Temple, okay? A little curly-haired mutant. This is the Harland Highway. I am Harlan Williams. Welcome one, welcome all.

I sound like a town crier at Christmas. Welcome one, welcome all. Merry Christmas, best of the season. But now, today we are not discussing... Christmas. We are discussing men's toenails, okay, just as festive. Depressed whales? Have you heard about these whales that are committing suicide because they're depressed? And then we're going to be touching on something that depressed me. I had a little situation when I was traveling, and I ran into a situation that caused me depression, and I'm going to tell you about it.

Also, we're going to have a special guest here today. We're going to tap into my feminine side. I guess there was an article in the paper talking about how men should tap into their feminine sides more, so I'm going to be doing that. We're going to be discussing women that have deep voices. And lastly, something that I hate, Dr. Ascot is here for one of my sessions. Good Lord, it's all right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway,

and what a day you've tuned into here. Oh, what a treat I have. I've brought in Barbara Santana. who, I guess, works with men to help them tap into their more feminine side. You know, you get a lot of this stuff where men go through life and they're all macho and everything and they don't know how to reach their feminine side. So we thought it would be fun to bring her in today. And talk about that.

How are you today, Barbara? Hi, I'm great. How are you? I'm great. This is, you know, we've all heard of this, men not being able to tap into their feminine. side. So what do we need to do? What does a guy like me need to know have to do to tap into his feminine side? Well, there's a lot of steps, but our first step in our, you know, if you take one of our classes, is we have statements, some feminine things that men like to work on. And we usually

make a tape for them and they can go home and practice them. Oh, so like vocal exercises and things. Yeah, some phrases. Oh, well, should you want to, should I try one? I mean is it's not, you know, I'm feeling a little weird about this, but, you know... Oh, no, it's nothing to be afraid of. It's fun. So I shouldn't be threatened at all? No, no. Okay. I'll try it. Okay, well, the first statement we like to say is something, you know, nice in general, like, what a nice day it is.

Oh, I can do that. What a nice day it is. Yeah, very good. Is that all right? Yeah, perfect. Okay. You might want to, you know, say it with a little more expression. What a nice day it is. Great.

What a nice day it is. Yes. Okay. Don't the birds sound pretty? And with a little bit more... Yeah, a lot of emotion. Don't the birds sound pretty? Yes, okay.

Wow, this is kind of fun. Okay, give me another one. This is easier than I thought. Okay, the next one is, I like to smile. I like to smile. Great, isn't it fun? Yeah, this is... Say it again.

I like to smile. Okay. I think I feel this. that a little bit yeah what else okay the next one is my new bra feels nice my new what is that one my new bra feels nice um okay my new bra feels nice okay my new bra feels nice okay say it again one more time with a lot of emotion can we is there another one or okay okay let's go to the next I like that one. Okay.

I love my pink underwear. I love my pink. Okay, you can change it to boxers. I love my pink boxers. I think maybe move on. I like the smiling and bird singing ones. Any more of those? Okay, let's try the next one.

Okay. I love it when Stephen kisses me. I love it when Steve. Even, I don't have to do this, do I? Yes, you do. This is part of the exercise. Okay, you can substitute this one. Say another name.

I love it when David kisses me. Yes, but say it with more emotion. Have fun with it. David's my brother, though. Okay, I love it when David kisses me. I love it when David kisses me. Okay, great. Again, say it one more time.

I love it when David kisses me. I think we're almost out of... time here, Barbara. We want to try one more. Let's do one more, and then I'm sure we're out of time. Okay. I like the way he squeezes me in his big, strong arms. Whoa, look at that. We're out of time. Thanks for coming in. I feel really kind of good or better. Okay. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara, somebody from the thing. This is Harlan Williams. On the Harlan Highway, I've got to go buy some hockey equipment. we'll be back in just a little bit on the Harland Highway

What the hell was that? Where did you get her, Roger? What? We're still on. Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway. What a pretty day it is. Okay, Roger, we don't need to do that again. We don't need that guest in.

Barbara Santana. We don't need to do womenly things as men. Well, wait a minute. Okay, you know what? oh boy I'm just going to say this there is one thing womanly that us men could do

that I think would be doing the world of favor I'm just going to say this I think we should paint our toenails and when I say we I mean men okay and I don't mean it because I think we should be friffy and fruffy and effeminate

or trying to make some kind of fashion statement or stand out in the crowd or be eclectic or weird. I really think men need to paint their toenails because have you seen them? They are gross, okay? Most men's toenails are not in good shape. Next time you're at the beach or at the pool, just take a casual look around, sneak a peek, just kind of, you know,

pretend you're looking down or texting or something and just take a peek at the dudes' toenails. And, FYI, for your information, check out the toenails on older dudes. I mean, some of these guys look like they have leprosy. Some of them look like a skin flake floated out of the air and landed on their foot.

some of them look like they have scurvy or polio or something i mean some of these toenails they make the grinch that stole christmas look appealing they're just like cracked and dry and chipped and some of them are yellow some they're bordering on a on a sickly taint of green some of them are curled upwards some of them are ingrown some of them ugh so what i'm saying is just put a coat of paint on them pink green black purple anything just hide these gross scaly shark shingles or whatever they are like scales off a tarpun ugh just hide them man so you know women your feet are generally pretty hot women seem to take care of their toenails better the men. Why don't you forego the painting of the toenails and let that be something as dudes take

care of, okay? And we don't have to make mention about it. We don't have to say it's girly. We don't have to say, you know, oh, what's wrong with him? Let's just start doing it and it'll be so normal that you'll seem like an outcast if you don't paint your toenails if you're a dude. honestly dudes take your socks off right now or women if you're with your boyfriends and you're listening demand they take their shoes and socks off and just see what's there see it looks like someone dropped 10 fritos corn chips on their feet and they stuck to the end of the toes are just golden and crispy and curled up get the dip man get the french onion dip and dig into them Frito's toenails, man.

Ugh. So there you go. That's the one thing that I think men could do that traditionally is done by women, okay? I'm not going to kiss Steve. I'm not going to hug my brother Paul. I'm not going to put on my pink underpants. I'm going to paint my toenails,

dragon green, and go and have myself a dairy queen. Oh, oh, Charles, oh, Nelson, oh, Riley. Oh, ho, whew, whom, ooh, do, do, do, oh, who, who, who, who, who. Those are whale calls, people. Yeah. I bet you never thought you'd be hearing whale calls on the Harland Highway. How about that little treat, huh? Oh, yeah.

It's got to be tough being a whale, man, huh? The biggest mammal on the planet. And what's even weirder about whales is they have these suicides, where they beached themselves? Who knew that whales could get so bummed out, man? I wish I could find a ledge to jump off of, man, but, you know, I guess there's no underwater ledges now that no one can find Atlantis, you know. They're big, fat, blubbery freaks. What could be the thing that bums them out

That they're not fat enough The other whales are heckling them Can you imagine Being depressed Because you're not fat enough Now that's Rosie O'Donnell Syndrome right there Howlhow

I mean what could you be depressed about Oh man my blowhole's infected man I'm so bummed out I don't know So they'd swim into the beach and they just die. That is a long-ass suicide, man. If I was a whale, I'd, like, swim head first into the love boat or something.

Let a propeller go through my forehead. Captain, what's shaking the ship? Oh, nothing, man. We just got a depressed beluga. Cheer up, whales. Hmm? We spill enough oil in the... ocean maybe we should start spilling acid spill some LSD shipments let a big illegal

cope boat coming up from Panama let that thing crack open get them depressed whales all cranked up on snow white vision dreams of passion oh yeah have very strange reaction have some whales Cranked up on ecstasy. Oh, yeah, Shamu in the hizzle. Hello! Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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depressed, don't we? At one point or another, we get depressed. It's just, it's like any other emotion. We get happy. We get sad. We get giggly. We get every emotion. Depression's part of the human experience. And here's something that depresses me. When I travel and things go wrong, like flights are delayed or flights are canceled or my car isn't there waiting for me or my bags get lost you know traveling to me is stressful and i don't love it um so any anything that happens to uh add to that experience in a negative way bums me out i'm just like oh god really i just flew for eight hours and the guy who was supposed to pick me up isn't here great um yes there's worse things in the world but when you travel as much as I do it it hits you so here's a

story that bummed me out and was kind of weird um I had to fly into a city uh not too long ago and you know here's how it works I uh I sometimes fly into a city the night before to do a weekend at a comedy club and in the mornings I have to get up and do media I have to do Thursday and Friday mornings, very early. A lot of times 6.30 in the morning to like 10 or noon or something. And they drive me from radio station to radio station to TV network to TV network. And I have to be on. I have to be funny at, you know, 6 a.m. in the morning.

You know, I pop out of a deep sleep. So naturally when I land, I want my ride to be there. I want to check into my hotel. I don't want any snags. I don't want any missteps. I just want everything to be smooth, get in my room, and pass out, right? So on one occasion, not too long ago, I had to fly to this city, and I had to take the red eye.

I took a red-eye flight. It left L.A. at about 11 at night, and it landed in my city at, like, 6 in the morning. And I just had enough time to check. into the motel and actually no I didn't what happened is the the owner of the comedy club picked me up at the airport and drove me right to the radio station so I didn't even check into the hotel yet so here I am I'm tired I didn't sleep on the radar I've been up all night I get picked up at the airport I go to all these radio stations TV I'm putting out all this energy trying to be funny and finally we're done we're going back to the hotel and I'm like oh yes please skip me to my room I've got to sleep I've got shows tonight yeah life is hard uh so here's where it got a little depressing I was already a bit burnt out as you can imagine I get to the hotel normally Bing bang boom I get my key

I'm off to my room in about two minutes flat I get there and there's this nice old black lady standing behind the counter older lady and uh hello mr williams how are you i'm good thanks here's my credit card here's my driver's license and uh let me check in it's like okay here we go and she's just sitting there for about a minute two minutes and finally she didn't say anything and she's just looking at the computer i go is there a problem she's oh i'm sorry i'm so sorry i didn't say anything it's just that um i guess because you came on the red i we were expecting you last night and not this morning so we've had to do some jumping around here and i'm like really like what's the difference you know if i came in last night or this morning you still have a room reserved for

me so i think obviously she wasn't the regular counter lady and uh you know she didn't seem like she was that well versed in how it all works so I go okay whatever let's just you know get it get it gone and so the clock's ticking away and another three four minutes go by

and she's still staring into the screen like that little girl from poltergeist just staring into the TV they're back and I'm like is everything okay and she goes oh yes Mr. I just

I'm just sorting everything out, and she starts clacking away on the keyboards. Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, she's typing away, and I'm like, oh, God. So now we're rolling up on six, seven, eight minutes now. And now I'm starting to get irritable, and I'm being polite. I'm not getting mad. I'm just, but inside, I'm like, come on, lady. And she's dilly-dalling along, and soon we're into, like, the 12-minute zone. And I'm just, and finally, you know, she's,

clacking away. I'm like, what is she doing on that computer? And then I look down, and this is where it gets odd, and I don't want you to think I'm being incensed. I look down, and God bless the old woman has no fingers. Okay? And I, that's not a punchline. I mean, I'm laughing because it's just, it's so bizarre. You've got someone that's been dilly dallying around on a keyboard for 12 minutes and you're already you fired up your blood pressure is going up and you look down and to make matters worse this person that you're wishing would expedite all this computer work has no fingers okay she had a thumb and all her fingers were cut off almost at the knuckle she had these little nubs like a like a like a Greek sponge fisherman or something I don't know what

what she was doing i i almost asked her what the hell happened but of course here i am going oh god bless the little angel she lost her fingers that was the angel on my left side and then the devil on my right side was like can you friggin believe this i'm up all night on the red eye i've done all these radio and tv shows i'm trying to get into my damn room i've been standing here for 12 minutes this woman's clacking away on the keyboard and she's got no finger Why don't you send me a blind guy To show me to my room And so I know that sounds insensitive

But you know when you're fired up and you're angry It's like last thing you need is another layer of nonsense To compact your problem And you're like, show a little compassion, Harlan She had no fingers. Yes, I know I'm very compassionate I would not make fun of this woman I would not insult this woman.

I'm not demeaning this woman. I'm just saying it was visually something that rubbed against what I wanted to happen. What I wanted was some speed. I wanted this process to be expedited. And the worst thing you could have working on a keyboard is someone with no fingers. And these little nubs were flying along, struggling. Click, clack, click, click, clack. I'm just like, oh, boy.

Great. Should be in my room in about nine hours. Little Betty Nublins here is, you know, working her best. You know, she's working her best to, you know, get me into the system on the computer. How quickly can you get into the system with no fingers? You know, it's like I'm running outside. I've got to get to a meeting. Taxi, taxi screeches to the curb with no wheels.

He's riding on his rims. Excuse me, sir, how long is it going to take to get downtown? Well, we're about a mile away. Okay. So I'd say about seven hours. Because you have no wheels? Exactly. And I also have no fingers.

So holding this steering wheel is going to be a biotch. Great. So there you go. A little depressing. The lady turned out to be sweet as hell. Nice lady. We had a great exchange. By the time it was all done, we were smiling and giggling.

And I felt bad. A woman has no fingers. But when you're under duress, when you want something done, and you don't have the tools to really do it at maximum warp, You're obviously as a human being going to have an irritated reaction. You know, that selfish part of you is going to have an irritated reaction. The compassionate side of me is like, oh, she's doing the best she can, little angel, little stub angel, oh, sweet nubblins, sweet little koala clingers, you know.

and then she started picking her nose and shoved her whole fist no i'm kidding i'm kidding i got into my room nobody died there's a lot worse things going on in the world god bless you if you have fingers if you don't have fingers it's all just whining and complaining and i'm sure if this is ladies listening right now she'd be giving me her middle her uh her middle her middle her middle the nub she'd be flipping me the the the the well the the the ostrich because ostriches can't fly all right i'm just digging this

deeper we out yeah how you doing doll so let me get that straight that two corn beef one cream soda the ham on rye, right, doll? Okay, baby, coming right up. You got it? You ever hear girls like that, man? With that deep, raspy, smoker, log roller, truck driver voice? Yeah, okay, doll, I'll be right up with that. Yeah, okay, sure, doll.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, doll, you go right down the street, you take a left, you can't miss it. All right, cutie, good, okay. and for some reason they always talk like that you never just have anyone who talks normal with that frog voice it's always like someone from Jersey or someone from three mile island who's been sucking in radiation their whole life

oh what a beautiful day huh doll oh my gosh how about a cigarette you mind if I smoke a cigar right in front of you or a didgeridoo you mind if I light up a didgeridoo and help my Adam's apple out here Yeah, you're a real doll. Okay, doll. Wow. Ever watched the little rascals?

Remember that old black and white show with all the little kids spanky and alfalfa and buckwheat? And every now and again, this guy, froggy would come in. You had a real froggy voice like this. I wonder if that kid was breeding. And he just, like, gave spawn to all these little froggy-throated polywog people. They all, like, swam to a pond, and, Jersey be hard making love to a woman like that won't it how's that feel doll huh that feel good doll oh yeah keep going

lover come on doll don't stop lover oh that's nice lover yeah keep going let's do it again lover come on doll oh yeah nice doll nice good stuff you want a comb beef with that and a cream soda doll okay doll let me hook you Oh, gross. And then nine months later, there she is, sitting in the swimming pool laying frog eggs. Now you got a million little polywog mouths to feed. This is Harlan Williams. Keep your lily pad clean here. On the Holland Highway, doll.

And speaking of creepy, amphibian-like creatures I just got a memo Thanks Roger Way to dump this on me right at the end of the show Pretty sneaky I just got a memo handed me That I haven't seen Dr. Ascot

For a while and he's here Great I thought we're almost done the show Roger Now you dump this idiot on me Let's get it over with As you know My boss upstairs Mr. Featherstone mandated it that I have to see this psychologist

because they think I'm too out of control. They think I'm going to say something stupid that I'm a liability. So to cover their asses, I have to sit with this stupid in-house psychiatrist and he's got to deal with my issues. I don't think I have any issues, but that doesn't stop them from forcing me to do this.

So get him in here. Here he is. God. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Alland. What? I said hello. I detected some cynicism in your voice, Arland.

I'm not being cynical. I just... What, Arland? I don't like you and I don't like doing this. Holland. Stop staring at me, and what's with the coconut-colored shoes? Oh, Holland. Well, come on, man. Who has coconut-colored shoes? God, you're creepy.

Holland. What are we doing today, As Scott? Why don't you tell me, Holland, how have you been feeling lately? Honestly, I've been feeling overwhelmed, like I got to. too much going on, like the world's moving a million miles an hour and I can't focus on anything? Well, as you know, Walland, focus starts with the eyes. What does that mean?

When you use your eyes to zone in on things, you are in essence focusing on them all. Okay, well, I only have two eyes. I don't have a million eyes. I'm not a centipede. I think you mean centipedes have a million legs, Arlen, not eyes. All right, whoopi-do. Well, let's get it right, Arland. We don't want to anger Mother Nature. What are we doing, goofball? Arland.

I think maybe you need more eyes so that you can absorb the world around you. Yeah, I wish I had more eyes so I could absorb. the world around me. There's so much going on advertising and work and social activities and news media and I get it, Arland, and I think I have the solution. What the hell is that? It's a potato Holland. Why did you bring a potato? Take a close look at the potato, Arland. Yeah, so it's bumpy, it's brown, but what else do you see with your eyes, Arland? I don't know, little bumpy white things all over it. Those are called eyes, Arland.

Okay, eyes, potato eyes. I get it. But what we're going to do, Arland, is cut the potato eyes out with my little Swiss Army knife that my father gave me from when he was in the Swiss War. What do you mean the Swiss War? Well, it's a Swiss Army knife, Holland, so it... Must come from the Swiss war. What do you tell?

The Switzerland's a neutral country. They don't go to war. Well, my father must have been in a war. He has a Swiss army knife, Arland. Are you a dildo or what? Arland. What are you doing? I'm cutting the eyes out of the potato, Arland.

I'm cutting out each and every little white, beady eye. Why are you cutting out the eyes? eyes of the potato look at my hand alland i have at least three dozen potato eyes okay whoopi do now what are you doing i'm sprinkling them in your hair holland why are you putting potato eyes in my hair now you have three dozen plus two eyes alland are you what did god these things smell they're in what are they doing in my hair they're all sticky and gross. Arlen, start looking around.

What are you talking about? Turn your head and look around and use your new three dozen eyes, Arland. I'm turning my head. I still see the same thing. That's my hair's full of potato eyes, you idiot. Holland, you've got to channel the eyes. Okay, let me tell you something, As Scott. You've done a lot of goofy things.

These are called potato eyes. They're not real eyes. They don't have an optic nerve. They don't see anything. And even if they could, you can't just cut them out and throw them in my hair. And suddenly I'm going to see through all their eyes. What do you think you are, Frankenstein? Holland, look through the potato eyes.

I'm not seeing anything, okay? Well, how about this, Holland? If I throw the rest of the potato right at your face. Ow! What that? Hold on. What, Holland? You hit me right between the eyes.

Yes, Holland. And my eyes, they're kind of blurry. Yes. I'm seeing like six different things right now. Excellent, darling. Potato eyes. No, I think you damaged a nerve in my forehead. I can't, I'm seeing like six.

six different images right now. Either those potato eyes are working, Holland, or you've turned into a spider. Get out of here! What, Holland? Get out of here! I'm lucky if I don't have to go to the hospital.

Throwing a potato at my face. Holland, I want you to see things. I see the door. Get out, idiot. God! Hang on, let me shake my head. Ah! There! my vision's going back to normal get out of here idiot are you sure you wouldn't like me to

throw a cob of corn at your face get out god what an idiot guy comes in there throwing potatoes that coconut colored shoes swiss army what a dillweed that guy is roger really Well, I'm sorry we had to end the show with that downer. What a freak of nature, man. Well, anyways, thanks for hanging in, folks. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being on the Harlan Highway. And, you know, we'll just keep moving the needle.

We'll just keep moving the needle along. I'd like to put a needle in his neck. God, my hair's. full of potato eyes. Anyways, check me out at Harland Williams on Twitter. We have the Harland Highway Facebook page, Facebook backslash Harlan Williams. You can write to me at Harlan Williams.com. Check out the website, check out the store, check out the comedy schedule.

I may be in your town or city. Or you can call and leave a message at 323. 739 4330 Always love to hear from the pavement pounders And that's all we got, man That's all we got for today I'm going to go wash my hair Get the potato grease out

Flush some eyes down the drain And you guys keep it real in the deal And as always, until next time Chicken Chalmain With a little bit of potato Baby?