The Harland Highway - 417: New way to MURDER! Harland stopped by COPS!

Episode Date: July 26, 2012

Harland comes up with a new way to commit murder, traveling news anchors, advertising everywhere, the reason we snore, taking a live caller, and Harland gets pulled over by Southern police. Burbldee blerbldee doo!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And I'm telling you to put that lawnmower down. Huh? What the hell? What? Hey, it's put your lawnmour down day here at the Harland Highway. And welcome one and all. I am he, Harland Williams, your host, your ballerina, your phone guy, whatever you need. What a show today.

I think you're going to dig it, man. I think you're going to dig it. We're going to be talking about new ways to murder. I don't know if any of you are planning to murder, but I've got a terrific new way to help you be successful with your crime. Yes. We're going to be talking about news guys. Do we really need our news anchors to be moving around the planet?

Can't they just stay at their desk? I'm going to be ranting about that. Advertising? Are you like me? Are you fed up with everywhere you look? Somebody's advertising something. Can't we just have empty negative space anymore? Kind of like this podcast.

We're going to be taking a phone call today. Something we rarely do, a live phone call. Snoring. Something I hope you don't do during this podcast. We're going to examine snoring. It's been overlooked. And lastly, I got pulled over by the cops. And I'm going to tell you all about it.

But whatever it is, it's still legal because it's the Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right Let's get this sucker going huh

You are causing a major disturbance on my time It's the Harland Highway What's up Bra

If I'm here And you're here Doesn't that Make it our time I have come here to chew bubble gum And kick ass

Am I hallucinating here Just what in the hell do you think you're doing You just made a wrong turn On to the

Harland Highway This is your Fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hi, you're listening to the Harland Highway. Brought to you by everything.

Because everywhere you go, there's advertising. People are painting the sides of their vans now. I saw some hubcaps on a taxi cab the other day. You know those spinning hubcaps? They had advertisements on there. When I used to watch hockey, the boards were nice and white, and you can follow the action. Now there's advertisements from end to end. Oh, you're standing in front of the urinal, and you look in front of you, and there's an advertisement there,

and then you look down, and there's an advertisement on the little frosty blue urine mint that they keep in the urinal. I don't know if I want to buy something from somebody who puts their advertisement. in the bottom of a urinal. How are they feeling about their product? You'll just love our product. You'll love it so much. Why don't you pee all over it? Yuck!

It's disgusting, man. I mean, where does this stuff end, man? It's like everywhere you go. It's like the Staples Center, the Heinz Field. It's the Minute Made Orange Juice Arena. It's the Playtex Tampon Aquarium. It's the Baskin Robbins. Toilet Museum. I don't know, man.

It's getting carried away. People are putting advertising wherever they can stick it. Got milk. I saw a woman breastfeeding on a plane the other day, and she had the Got Milk ad on her breast. I mean, that baby was actually looking up and reading it. Have we gone too far? I don't know.

All I know is that this little segment was brought to you by No, I wouldn't do that to you. It's been brought to you by me. Parlin Williams. And I ain't selling you nothing in that's because I love you. How? Okay.

So, this is a really weird question to ask. But I got to ask it. I've got to ask it of my listeners. How many of you are? serial killers and you want to plan your next murder or maybe you're not even a serial killer maybe you just want to kill someone but you don't want to get caught here's what you do okay i figured this out this is brilliant you're gonna love this if you're if you're looking at your to do list like patch the roof um fix hole and wall uh wash car murder brother-in-law

this is this is perfect for you because the the primary thing about killing someone is you don't want to get caught right and uh you know if for those of you freaks that watch the CSIs and all that you know that the way you get nab nowadays is with uh crime scene evidence like uh you know forensic evidence fingerprints and uh hair follicles and dandruff flakes and you know god forbid you drop a booger on the ground or you know you if you're on the site of your murder and you fart they'll take an air sample and they'll they'll examine your fart and they'll well this guy's got a uh this looks like a uh red lobster scallop particle in this fart and then they'll figure out where all the red lobsters are in your city and then they'll you know they'll just keep working backwards till everything leads right to your butt and you're you're the you're the murderer we got them how'd you get them well it was scallop week and red lobster and uh let's just say we bagged some air molecules from one of his uh farts great job you gotta go get some seafood i think i'm gonna pass uh but here's here's oh this is brilliant Here's one of the biggest ways you get caught, and I've never murdered, but watching TV and stuff, it's the fingerprints, okay?

They always get you with the fingerprints. So here's what you do. Two words, cheese popcorn, okay? How many of you have eaten a bag of that cheese popcorn? Not the giant bag, just like the regular bag of cheese popcorn. It's the same as a bag of, like, chips or Doritos. you know the small size and it's delicious that cheese popcorn you can't stop eating it but what you realize is by the time you get through the end of the bag okay by the time you're

like ruffling around in the bottom of the bag you're like where's some more cheese popcorn and you look at your fingers there is a a white cheddary powdery spackly paste covering your fingertips. Have you ever seen it? It's ridiculously gross and sticky and messy. But you get to the bottom of that cheese popcorn bag. And it's crazy. You can't see your fingerprints.

Your fingers have this spackle on them, this white paper mashay goo. And it's kind of like semi-hardened. It's soft and pliable, yet it's thick and durable enough that nothing can penetrate it. And in essence, it completely buries your fingerprints. So this is ideal. Now you're ready to enter a scene, create a crime scene, do your murder, and get out, and not leave any forensic evidence behind.

Any clues there, Chief? Nah, not really. We keep finding cheese everywhere. Maybe it was a mouse. Maybe. Maybe you're fired, idiot. Oh. But, I mean, you think about it.

You could throttle someone around the neck. You could pick up a knife and leave cheese residue all over the handle. You could fire a gun and drop the gun on the ground. This black hen gun with... white cheesy powder all over it. And not only that, here's the best part about murdering, murdering with cheese popcorn fingers is after you've killed someone,

let's say you choke your brother-in-law to death. You know, he takes his final breath, his eyes are bugging out. He drops to the floor, clunk. You still have this delicious cheese residue on your fingers and so you're like well let's see I got rid of David

oh my fingers are oh my fingers are oh god I think I'm going to murder again tomorrow right and that's the only

practical reason the only practical thing I can think of for cheese popcorn fingers because I'll tell you what outside of that it's damn annoying okay you ever eat that stuff in your car you're driving along pigging out you by the end of it you're you're steering your car with the with the base of your palms of your of your hands you can't even put your fingers on the steering wheel because they'll get stuck there you'll get you completely saturate your steering wheel with chemical cheese oils and so you're steering along with your palms like you're a turtle like a sea turtle at the

wheel steering with your flappers or your flippers or whatever they are so there you go that's just a little murder tip for all you uh people out there that are looking to knock someone off cheese popcorn before you commit the crime your fingerprints will be buried you'll never get caught, and your belly will be full. Hallelujah. Hi, this is Tom Broca here in Tecrete. And the war is escalating here in Iraq. Oh, you know, one night.

Okay, that was the worst Tom Broca impression ever. But what is with the network? sending their correspondence, their All-Star news anchors, to different locations. This is Brian Williams in Niagara Falls. This is Katie Couric in Russia. I mean, what does that get us if they're geographically in a different spot? We're watching TV, people. You ever heard of the word green screen?

Hello? You could have a dinosaur behind you if you wanted. You could have Rosie O'Donnell running on a treadmill behind you if you want it. It's a green screen. I mean, how much is a first-class ticket and a hotel and the moving the whole crew and setting up a location and blah, blah, blah, blah, just so one of them go, I'm Brian Smith here in Washington today. What are we supposed to do at home?

Oh, my God, he's in Washington. Oh, my... Oh, look behind him. It's the White House. Oh, my God, these news stories are so much more interesting because he's in Washington. What the hell? Who cares? And then half these guys, they sent him to Iraq, and how many guys have him, like, blown up?

The guy from ABC, like, went into a coma, man. Did he really have to be over there? I think he's earned the anchor position. He's been working in the field for 20 years. They finally give him the anchor position, and they sell him. them out in the field again and boom roadside bomb baby keep my

news guys at home man I don't need to see them waking up in the motel 6 or out in a tent with their family just keep them where they belong it's like me you'll always find good old harland here on the harland highway

I ain't skipping over to some other town or city I'm right here baby you know where I'm at so right here like a warm cup of coffee or hot chocolate. I'm always here waiting for you. This is the Harland Highway in Russia. This is the Harland Highway in Buffalo.

I'm always right here for you, people. So keep it here on the Harlan Highway. All right, do you snore? I didn't mean to imply that that bit was boring and I fell asleep. No, no, no, no, that doesn't happen here. But do you snore? Are you a snor-r-r-r-r? Are you a snor-r-r-r-r?

I started thinking about snoring. It's such an odd thing that people do in their sleep. And girls do it, and guys do it, and some kids even do it. It's such a vile. It sounds like a bear growling, doesn't it? It's horrible. It's one of the most horrible noises ever. And, you know, I thought, you know, God designed our bodies.

It seems like everything we do as a purpose, you know. Every piece of our body serves a specific function. The cells within our bodies, the, the blood platelets, the fluids, the tissues, every part of our anatomy, every part of our body seems to have a specific function to help us move or walk or fend off bacteria or fight disease. You know, just crazy little things. And then I thought, an anomaly, snoring.

It serves no purpose. It's annoying. It's rude. It's loud. it happens when we sleep there's no reason to snore but then i i got analytical about it i thought wait a minute wait a minute let's break this down player yo player let's break this snoring down blah um think about sleeping okay let's go back to our early ancestors

you know the cavemen or the neanderthals or the swiss And, you know, we lived in a much more vulnerable time. You know, we were hunters and gatherers, and we lived in caves, and we lived out in the plains, and we lived under lean-toes. And even now, as modern humans, we will go out in camp or will get lost in the woods. And think about it. When you're living in a hostile environment,

where you're integrated into the food chain the way that Neanderthals were. I mean, they had just as much chance of being eaten as anything else had a chance of being eaten by them. It was dog for dog, eye for eye out there. There were no buildings to run into. There was no safety zones. Like if you were walking around

and you bumped into a herd of saber-tooth tigers, that's it. where are you going to go you can't run into the mall there's no one from neighborhood watch watching you you can't call 911 on your spear i'm sorry there you'll have to speak more clearly i'm sorry sir where are you oh christ just hang up loser um so you know you know you lived in that world where where things could get you in the night. And so I started thinking, well, wait a minute.

Maybe there is a function for snoring. It does sound like an animal growl. It does sound like a bear. It does sound like something like, you know, that's angry. It's like, you know, it's like a nasty cat hissing, or it's like a dog growling. Not that much different. and dog growl, snore, right?

So I started thinking, if you're a bunch of Neanderthals and you've been up all night, you know, drinking pine cone juice and, you know, eating mammoth legs, and you're just like having a food crash and you're laying beside the fire. And there's a bunch of saber-toothed tigers and raptors circling the encampment. and all of you just pass out in a food coma

and you're like, oh boy, all the raptors are like, here we go, they're asleep, let's go eat. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, let's get us some Neanderthal, some breasts, some thighs, and some Neanderthal wings, right? So they start sneaking up, the raptors are like, they're sneaking up, and as they get closer, they think they've got it made and all of a sudden they hear

they're like, oh my God, what's that? Do you hear that growling? Oh my God, they're pissed off. They're ready for us. They're waiting. All right, let's get out of here. Let's go to Popeyes.

I don't know. We're a Raptor's that effeminate? I don't know. No one can prove to me they weren't. Okay? We have bones, but we don't have personalities. We can dig up. So as far as I'm concerned,

Raptors were very effeminate. I mean, they walked around all prissy-like. But anyway, so my theory is, and join in with it or shut the podcast off immediately because it's so stupid, is that snoring did serve a function, and during the sleeping hours, when we are most vulnerable, we're in a dream state, we don't even know what's going on around us, the snore served as, as a threatening growl while we were asleep to ward off predators and stalkers and would-be assassins. It's a mechanism, a device, that keeps us safe in our sleep.

So there you go. Snoring does have a function. Although that being said, if you've ever been with someone who's snoring, you probably want to kill them more than anything else. So maybe it's the reverse. Maybe it's a device used to eliminate and lower the population. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into you. your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new

toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. don't throw your back out i'll let you decide i've got to have a nap oh goody to sleep let's get them scampulas tidbits and femurs who wants a femur Oh, Harlan. It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Who do we got, Raj? We got Susan on line four. Hello, Susan. Hi, how are you? I am good. How are you?

Oh, I'm doing good. What did you want to talk about today? Well, I'm kind of embarrassed. Well, what's the topic, and maybe we can, you know, chat about it? Well, my boyfriend's got, um, E.D. Oh, um, okay, I'm not sure that I can... His soldier won't stand at attention when the lieutenant comes in the room. Oh, that's kind of... And it won't salute me!

Yeah, I figured that's what you meant. Anyways, I don't know that this is the show, uh, for this, Susan. He's got E.D. His Peter Pumpkin picked a peck of pickled peppers. Won't pick a pickled peppers. Seashel, seashells at the seashore. Okay, take it easy there, Susan. So what I'm saying is I think you need to call like a...

Look, are you going to help me or not? Well, honestly, Susan, no. You want like Dateline or Dr. Drew or... I'll throw a lawsuit to you, Williams. Now, you tell me how I get my boyfriend to get that grandfather clock ticking again because I'm a little desperate here, Williams. Whoa, kid.

Hold on. Don't tell me to hold on. I need some... Okay, Roger. What the hell is going? Who is this? This is Susan, and my boyfriend's flagpole won't work. Oh, my God.

Hang up on this chick. Don't you hang up on me. Don't you have... What was that, Roger? Well, don't let her through again. Good Lord. All right, let's go to a commercial. Well, do you have a commercial for E.D. pills?

Hang up on her. Harlem Williams here on the Harland Highway. Sorry. Not really. God, idiot. What's the matter with you, Roger? Annoying. Here's something else that's annoying.

I got pulled over by the cops recently. Have you been pulled over by the police recently? I got one of these real stupid ones. I was driving around in Florida and was coming into a small town. You know those little towns where, you know, you're driving down the highway, It's not like a main highway. It's a highway, but it kind of goes through the back country, and the highway becomes the main street of the town for about a mile,

and then it becomes the highway again. And nobody really lives in these little towns, like just obscure out of the way places, right? So rarely do people slow down. You know, they slow down a little, but they just, ah, I'm going to be through here. here in like about 50 seconds so let's just keep going so i'm motoring along and i've been through like 80 of these little towns no problem and then i get to this one little town and uh i think it's a

uh 40 zone and i'm going like 60 i'm 20 miles over and all of a sudden boo whip whip Woo! Guy lights me up, right? I'm like, oh, brother, here we go. So I pull over, and in a way it's kind of fun for me, because as you know, I have a pretty famous role in Dumb and Dumber where I play this motorcycle cop who pulls over Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, and I do the whole license and registration, please,

and then I drink the bottle of pee, blah, blah, blah, right? So obviously that scene resonates with law enforcement, with cops. They're like, oh, my God, hilarious. So I'm going to be honest between me and you, I'd say 80% of the time I get pulled over, if not 90%, they let me go. Okay? They're like, wait a minute, are you, Harlow Williams? Are you the, oh, man, get out of here, dude, I love you.

You're the cop that drank the pee, right? And I never say anything. I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy. Like, hey, look at me. I remember me? I just sit there and they always figure it out. And it's kind of a game for me.

I kind of like it. It's like the look of happiness that comes across their faces is actually kind of really fun for me. It gives me joy to see them kind of figure out the puzzle. They start to hear my voice, and then they look at me, and then they look at my license, and then, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, you're the guy. You're the guy. You're the pee guy. Here, let me pull out my thing, have a drink.

What? No. So I get pulled over, and so it's kind of like a game with me now. It's kind of like at what point does the light bulb go off, and they shake my hand and laugh and, you know, send me on my merry way, right? So this time I'm going through this little town in Florida A guy pulls me over walks up and I've been letting my hair grow

I've been let my hair grow long I haven't had it long in a long time So it's getting longer And you know I'm kicking around Florida So I'm kind of unshaved And I got the baseball cap on And I've got the dark sunglasses

So I'm looking a little bit like A guy from the show The Deadliest Catch Okay I'm not I'm looking as sweet as I normally look. I'm looking a little more red-necky, a little more rough around the edges. So cop pulls me over.

You know, he goes to the passenger side. How you know, sir? I'm Officer Fernandez. Is the reason why you were going so fast? And I'm not going to BS the guy. I go, I know, officer, you know what? No reason at all. To be honest, I just wasn't paying attention.

I know that sounds bad. I wasn't trying to speed, but I'm just rolling along. It's a Saturday. I wasn't trying to tear up your town. I wasn't trying to lay rubber. I wasn't trying to drag race. I was just cruising along. You know, I should have said, well, I was probably speeding the same reason you speed when you're in your pedestrian vehicle.

Do you do the speed limit officer? You know, but I didn't get cocky. I always treat law enforcement with respect. and so he says okay let me check everything out i hand him my driver's license i hand him the insurance and all that from the rental car i'm in and uh he goes back and does his thing and i'm just sitting there waiting okay any second now any second now this will be fun right so he comes strutting back and i'm waiting for it i'm waiting for and he goes uh sir do you have any weapons in the vehicle

I'm like, ooh. He goes, do you have any illegal substance? Do you have any knives? Do you have any weapons? You have any guns? Are you transporting any heroin, sir? And I'm like, I actually laughed. I was like, what?

No, no, I'm not. There's Chick-fil-A bags all over the front seat. I went to Chick-fil-A. And he's like, well, would you mind if I searched your vehicle, sir? I'm like, really? I'm like, sure, go ahead. Now this is kind of getting a little weird, but at the same time, it's a little bit fun.

It's like, I've never been pulled out of my car like this. Now I feel like I'm one of those guys with the baseball cap, with the stains on it, and the long hair, and the unshaven face and the dark glasses on cops. You know those guys, they always pull over the shady-looking dudes? Because I look exactly like that, right? It's like, sure, I get out, and all of a sudden another cop car pulls up

and another cop car pulls up an SUV and their lights are flashing. And then a sheriff's another, like a different type of cop car is a white one and said sheriff on it. Four cop cars. And I'm like, what's, whoa, what's going on here, man? And so, sure enough, he goes, sir, go stand back there with the other officer.

And I'm like, okay. And I'm thinking, these guys don't know. They don't know who I am. And so I stand back with the other officer, and I'm thinking, okay, I'll just stand here and shoot the breeze with this guy. Big, tall, black cop, right, husky guy. And instead of shooting the breeze, he goes, Sir, would you turn around and put your hands on the vehicle?

I'm like, huh? La, la? La, uh, right? I'm getting amused here. I'm like, this is kind of cool. I hope there's a camera crew. I'm on cops. How funny would that be, right?

So I go, sure, no problem. I'm just playing along. So I turn around. I put my hands on his black car. And, you know, it's Florida. It's 100 degrees. And I'm like, ow, wow, my hands. A bird of my hands on the car.

I said, officer, I'm just going to fake it. You know, I'm going to kind of put a little space between me and your car. He goes, that's okay. no problem then he says uh jemite if i search you sir you got any needles you got any uh weapons any uh drugs in here i'm like no go for it and again i'm i'm kind of enjoying this in a way i know that sounds as stupid but i'm like this is kind of cool i feel like i'm in a movie i'm an actor i feel like i'm in one of my movies i feel like i'm getting shaken down i feel like oh this is this is how you see it on TV so this guy starts fumbling through my pockets he's reaching real deep too it's almost a little

like excuse me did you want to ask me on a date officer i mean not that he went there but he was digging way down he pulled out a few at a few dollar bills in my pocket and it's always fun to get this kind of treatment when you know you've done nothing wrong because you know they're wasting their time right and to you it's almost like they're putting on a little show they're They're going through the routine. They're doing their thing. It's like afternoon theater. It's like the matinee.

It's the police officer's ball afternoon matinee theater. Ah, and so this one guy's ripping my car open. He's pulling up the spare tire thing. He's looking up in the ceiling. And keep in mind, this is a nice car. It's a rental. It's like an SUV. It's a brand new.

They washed it. so I don't the car is definitely not shady you know it still smells like new car except for the chick fillet bags everywhere you know it's kind of been violated in that way and uh so you know the guy finishes searching me and so I'm just standing there talking to him there's an old hotel beside us like I'd like to see what goes on in this hotel he goes oh yeah man there's some nasty stuff in there and I was like look at all these cops this is for a guy going

over 20 miles and I thought you know what I should pull the dumb and dumber card I'm gonna I should do it I should just go you get you guys don't know who I am do you and I should have done it I didn't do it I should for the first time in my life I should have done it because they didn't know who I was and that that was that was almost amazing to me because they always picked me off but I should have just got you don't know who I am do you yeah I'd be like what do you mean who are you and I go I'm a cop, dude. What do you mean you're a cop? I'm the cop from dumb and dumber, dude.

Take the glasses off, take the hat off. I bet you a hundred bucks. They would have been, oh, man, it's come here. Hey, Fernandez, come here, man. Come here, get out. It's the guy from dumb and dumber, man. The guy drink the pee. Yeah, oh, man, can we get a picture with you?

Can you sign this for my kids? Get out of here, man. Go back to the chick fillet, man. But I didn't do it. it i didn't do it i'm not that guy i couldn't i couldn't pull it i i'm thinking maybe instead of being like self-conscious and and not wanting to be that guy maybe i should have done it for them that probably would have been kind of a thrill there's this little backwards town in the middle of florida there's no no people from the movies driving through there and here's the goofy cop

from dumb and dumber they pulled them over they don't realize they'll halfway through maybe i should had done it just to give them a laugh. And they still might have given me a ticket. I don't know. But it probably would have given them a little chuckle, a little thrill, because I know it does every other time I've been pulled over. So anyways, I went anonymous. They finished their deal. All these cops left. I'm back in my car. The cop was really nice. He goes, look, sir, I'm not going to give you the full penalty, $250. I said, okay. But I do have to give you this. It's for $112. And there you go. And I said, hey, everything helps, officer.

He couldn't have been nicer. He was a nice guy. He got in his rig. He took off. Right? And here's the one thing I always said. And I hope you don't think this sounds cocky or pompous. But this is the one thing I always said about making money, about gaining wealth.

Okay? I always said, if I ever kind of got wealthy. or if I ever, you know, had a very comfortable living going or I had enough money in the bank that I didn't have to sweat it every day. If I was doing well in life financially, I said one thing I'm never going to stress about is a stupid ticket from the police. If I get a parking ticket, whoop-de-do! If I get a speeding ticket, who cares?

If I get any kind of violation, you know, wheelchair parking, a fire hydrant, oh, well, I've got a bunch of money in the bank. Too bad. Whoopi-do. And I've got to say, man, I'm not a guy that goes around and spends a ton of money and drives a Lamborghini and flashes, you know, what I've done around. But I'll tell you what, the one pleasure in life that I have is I wanted to make money. so when those dill weeds not dill weeds I mean when you know I deserved it I'm the one that violated the law

but when those cops give me the ticket I couldn't give a crap yeah I pay it I pay it but I don't care it's like yay whatever a ticket who cares doesn't affect my life and that is a nice feeling and that was my main motivation in life

for gaining wealth so I got to thank the members of law enforcement for being my driving, motivating force in life so that I could have a little nugget in the bank and just laugh off any ticket. And then lastly I'll say, here's the little dance we do when we get a ticket. You ever notice after you get your ticket and the cop pulls away, you like pull away so carefully, so cautiously and so away. Where you, you know, here you are parked at the side of the road.

The cop has left the scene, and you feel like a kid that's been punished. So you start your car up very sheepishly, and you actually put your signal on. Look, officer, in case you're still hiding behind a billboard, I put my signal on, and I'm going to merge back into traffic. Click, click, click, click, click, click. I'm going back out into the, I'm circulating against with all the normal people that don't speed I'm the crazy felon that was speeding and I'm I'm going to merge back in with the regular folks I'm going to drive with the population again you know and then you drive along

real slow for that first like five 10 minutes you're like da-de-de-de-de-oh I got a ticket I don't want to get another one and then you're like screw this what are the odds of me I just got a ticket What are the odds of me getting another one? And you know what? Screw you for giving me a ticket. I'll drive fast if I want to drive fast. And then you're just back to your old eye jinks in five, ten minutes. But for that first five, ten minutes, you're the very well-behaved kind of dog with your tail between your legs.

You're kind of creeping down the road. I got a ticket. I'm sorry. And then all of a sudden you're like a greyhound that sees a rabbit running down the road. So there you go. That's my little cop story, getting pulled over. Hope it doesn't happen to you. But if it does, if the cops pull you over and you're about to get a ticket,

just say, hey, officer, you know, do your best impression of me. Hey, officer, I'm the guy that drank the peep from Dumb and Dumber. It's me, Harlow Williams. You know, you can do my voice. It's not hard. And maybe you'll get off. Or maybe they'll throw you in a Turkish jail cell. Lessons learned.

Well, hey, on that note, I think we have to end it. We're at that time. I don't want to get a ticket for going too long. You know, I can get a ticket for podcasting too long, and I don't want that. So there you go. I hope you had a good time. Thanks for speeding with me down the Harlan Highway. I do appreciate it.

Tell your friends and families to join in. and they can subscribe just as easily as you did. Spread the word, spread the mirth, spread the merriment, let everyone else get in on the fun here at the Harlan Highway, trying to build the audience, as you know. And also, you can write me at harlornwilliams.com if you want to say something. And you can call me and leave a phone message at 323-739-4-3-3-3-0.

if you have something to say, something funny, something angry, something nice, something stupid, something rice. And I'm at Twitter at Harlan Williams and Facebook, backslash Harlan Williams. And get on the train and ride around with us. But that's all we have time for today. Thank you once again. And until next time, everybody, chicken chowmaine. baby Will you kindly shut your mouth

Thank you. Thank you.