The Harland Highway - 418: DRAGONS are real! Buy a gun day!

Episode Date: July 30, 2012

Harland finds a real live dragon, buy a gun day, summer cannonball's, naming your car, doggie clothes, the Denver shooting, hot VS cold. Slap a crap trap!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, thanks for pulling the plug on that. This is Harlow Williams. You're on the Harlan Highway. Welcome, everybody. Good to have you here, man. It's really cool to have you here. What a show we got today. We're going to be talking a little bit about that horrible shooting

that happened in Colorado at the movie theater. A little bit of a serious topic. We're going to talk about the serious side of that. And then on the other side, we're going to talk about maybe the funny side of owning guns. Not killing, but just owning guns and how kind of ridiculous it is and maybe answer some of the questions

as to why we have these horrible, senseless killings. We're going to be talking about doggy, clothes? Do you dress your dog? Do you name your car? We're going to be talking about that. Do you have a name for your car? Are you swimming this summer? Have you been doing cannonballs?

And here's something. Do you believe in dragons? I had a run in with a real live dragon. Terrifying. Wait to you hear it. I recorded some of it. It's all documented. Plus hot versus cold right here

on the hottest podcast ever. Arland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking... Wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. You are driving down the Harland Highway. And have you personalized your car? A lot of people do that, don't they? That's a little creepy. Hello? People calling their car's names.

Oh, yeah, old Betty here. She's got 100,000, 50 miles on her. Yeah, she just rolled over the other day, yeah. Would you just give it a gender? She's a real beauty. Yeah, I put lipstick and eye mascara on her, and we make out in the garage. She's a real beauty.

Yeah, we're going to have a special night in about two weeks, candlelight dinner, and then a little bit of that old. She won't be a beauty for long. She's going to be a slutty. I don't know, man. You don't name your toaster, huh? Oh, that toaster, that's Mabel. She's a beauty.

She'll toast you up real nice, yeah. Put a muffin in Mabel. Oh, she's a toasty beauty. It's kind of creepy. I'm going to give your vehicle a name. Give her that name it deserves, like, yeah, there's my friend. She breaks down a lot and costs me a lot. of money or yeah say hello to bald brake pads McGee how about yeah this is my ride you might know

them as broken air conditioner cost of me a fortune to fix unreliable gas guzzling weasel that's what I'm gonna call you oh well I better get going I got a candlelight dinner thing I got to get two in my garage. I got a new girlfriend. Her name's European sports car with some rear-end posy. Hello. It's Harland Williams. On the old so sexy highway.

Cur splash. Okay, so it's summertime, and you're probably swimming. You're probably in a pool somewhere, or you're in a lake. Or maybe you're in the ocean. And maybe there's a raft or a diving board or just the edge of the pool or a rock. And a bunch of people are in the water splashing around, swimming, having fun. Yay, yay. And then all of a sudden someone from the back of the lawn or from down the beach or from up on a diving board, you hear.

Cannonball! Right? the old cannonball yell and someone comes flying through the air jumps up as high as they can tucks their body into a ball shape not really and splashes into the water

and makes a splash and can I just say the cannonball is the most overrated water gimmick in the world next to you know the killer whales at sea world I mean, first of all, your human body cannot go into a ball shape.

It looks more like a curled-up baby kangaroo in a pouch. So maybe it should be baby kangaroo, right? You go flying through the air like a little fetus. And then you hit the water and, you know, there's always this great expectation with the cannonball. you know, ooh, Uncle Harvey's going to do a cannonball, you know, and they fly through the air and splash. And, you know, in your mind psychologically, from a fun perspective and from a hijinks perspective,

you think there's going to be like a big, like, four or five foot rolling wave that just knocks you out of the water or, you know, twirls you backwards. Like you ever go in the ocean and you get hit by a wave and it just tumbles you around under water and you're disoriented and you're bobbing around like a fish. And it's kind of fun.

I think that's kind of the promise of the cannonball, except here's the problem. It's never much of anything. It's like a big splash. It's his big announcement. It's his grand theatrical entrance. Excuse me. Clear the way what I prepare for my kids.

cannonball please everybody everybody please look at me i'm about to do a cannonball and just in case you can't hear me over there in the back here it is cannonball run run run run run and it's always like a little it's it's it's barely a wave it's like a ripple it's like a little hump it's not even as big as a speed bump on a road. You know, the main thing you get is the splash, like, from where the body goes underwater, there's a splash that goes straight up into the air, you know. But I think what you want to do with a cannonball, the desired effect, is to smash into the water, and ideally you're thinking, oh, I'm going to create this tsunami that's

going to knock everyone in the water like 100 yards out into the sea. You know, when I resurfaced from under the water after my cannonball, there's going to be, you know, bodies draped over the eaves troughs. It's going to be a couple of kids up in a tree. It's going to be, you know, shoes and deck chairs everywhere. The swimming pool is going to be half empty because who knows where all that water went. But no, it's kind of like a little blip and everyone screams and yells and. and it's over, and no one really gets much of anything. And I guess I don't want to ruin it.

It's kind of a fun water tradition, but I'm just, I'm breaking it down. And so what I'm saying is, why not just buy a real cannon from an old pirate ship, light it, aim it at the swimming pool, and then yell, Cannonball! And watch,

The little children's bodies fly through the air the way you always wanted them to. Amen. Somebody told me that last week was National Buy a Gun Day. Did anyone know that that's what it was? Buy a Gun Day? I mean, do we really need that kind of day here in America? The gun-happy country of the planet? What a day.

Everyone, go out and buy a gun. Should we be putting other types of days ahead of buying weapons? We've got Martin Luther King Day. We got Arbor Day. We got Mother's Day, Father's Day. I mean, don't you think we should put, like, Grandfather's Day or Grandmother's Day ahead of Buy a Gun Day? Haven't they earned a spot? They've lived so long, only to get killed by a gun.

Hey, it's gun day. Hey, better take my 45 into work. It's gun day. You know, it's kind of like career day when kids bring their parents into school. You walk into work on gun day. And isn't that coincidentally the day you go in and ask your boss for a raise? And you use that old, hey, look at my gun, it's gun day. I want a raise. Go ahead. Take my day. I don't know, man I think I'm going to stay home on Buy a Gun Day Call in sick And just hide under my bed Baskin Robbins Day I'll come out for that one

Some nice ice cream in the park Watching the birds fly by Ooh I guess somebody thought it was gun day Oh Oh yes The God-loving gun And I've been holding off on this.

You know, we all know what happened in Colorado a few weeks ago. Tragically, another demented kid unloaded a arsenal of weapons on a, you know, a bunch of innocent human beings. And it's just so sad. It's so sad that, you know, people act out this way. They take out their frustrations in life. They take out their feelings, their bad feelings about life on the world. They act out by, you know, entering public places and shooting people, disrupting their lives, ending their lives, changing lives forever. It's just sad.

It's very, very sad to see. And, you know, you got to wonder about the psychology behind it. You got to wonder why these kids that do this or grown men or women or whoever do it seem to want to stage it in such a place like a public mall or a public mall or a public gathering and they want to stage it so that they they get a lot of attention they want it to be grandiose they want it to be almost like a a production you know in this case apparently this kid even dressed up like the joker or something like that um and they know people are going to talk about it they know they're going to get media coverage and so it's almost like

They're at a point where, you know what, their life is lousy. They don't got anything to live for. They're kind of at the end of their rope. And they're like, you know what, time for a little panache. Time for me to have my moment of glory in the sun. The only way I can do it is to shoot other people dead and cold blood. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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You know, because I think if there wasn't a payoff at the end of this, if there wasn't the media tension, if it wasn't, you know, going from obscurity to everyone in the country knowing your name, you know, overnight. I don't know. that there would be a motivation for people to act out in this way. I think they're lacking something in their life, obviously, and maybe they see this is their moment to be etched into the history books. This is their big final act. This is their grandiose moment.

Front and center stage. Look at me. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Here I am. Everyone know me. It is I. and they know it. They know they're going to be emblazoned into the history books

for all the wrong reasons, but nonetheless, they're never going to be in a movie. They're never going to be the first guy on the moon. They're never going to be someone who invent something. They're never going to be the president. And they must have an inert sense of this that early in life they're not going to accomplish much. And, like, you know what, I don't want to put in the work.

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to have to audition. I don't want to have to, you know, run for office. I just want my fame and glory now. And then, you know what? Put me in a jail cell and, you know, demented women will write to me. And maybe I'll even get married in prison. and, you know, my name will come up on the A&E specials that they do on serial killers and mass murderers.

I'll be on the history channel and the Discovery Channel, you know, those crazy little documentaries they do. They'll have pictures of me and tell my whole life story, and it'll be great. You know? And it's sad. And, you know, I got to say, too, as far as the media, coverage do you place a little blame there i mean i i can still clearly remember that the day that uh that shooting happened a few weeks ago and it was like from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to bed every news show every cable news show you know how they break it up

was like Bill O'Reilly and Wolf Blitzer and Katie Kurt. They all have their like hour-long segments. You know, Sean Hannity, all these different correspondents. And each and every one of them, from like six in the morning to like midnight, spent their whole hour recounting, reliving, redocumenting this whole movie theater shooting. and it's like God bless those poor people and what a horrible tragedy but you know what tell me the story in the morning maybe run it again at lunch maybe run it again at 5 or 7 o'clock I don't need a whole day of it and you certainly don't need a whole day to be perpetuating the

the demented image of the guys who did the shootings or the guys who did the shootings or the in this case. So, funny, funny world we live in, man. Hopefully we get through this phase of civilization, and there comes a time when things like this just do not happen. Not funny, nothing funny here, just a little running commentary. And, you know, God bless the people that were killed. I don't know if you're religious. Say a prayer for them and say a prayer that this

kind of stuff just stops. So there you go. Something to think about. Now let's get back to the funny. Okay? Come on. Let's lighten the mood here. You know, sometimes it's hard enough to tolerate human beings that are into the fashion stuff. You know, to kind of wear it flamboyantly and think they know everything there is to know about fashion. I can almost handle the human beings, but what I don't need to see are people dressing up their dogs. Okay? I don't need to see a chihuahua in a raincoat and a little yellow rain hat. He looks like he's going out to fish for lobster off the coast of Nova Scotia.

you know what if it's rain and leave your chihuahua indoors okay he steps in a puddle he's a goner anyways he's so small he'll probably float away man and i don't need to see a cocker spaniel with sunglasses on i don't need to see a big fat british bulldog and a little scottish kilt And I don't need to see a little tiny Shih Tzu in a little pink get-up. Okay? These are animals, people. Nature designed animals. And guess what? Nature gave animals a fur coat.

They're already wearing fur, you morons! I wonder if animals' dogs just feel like the biggest idiots when they're walking around, dressed like lobster fisherman and ballerinas and surfers. I wonder if in their head they're just gone, Holy God. Someone get me to the Humane Society and put me in the gas chamber. Just make sure you take this crap off me before you put me to sleep. Don't bury me in this stuff.

Whatever you do. I'll come back from Doggy Heaven and bite you in the ass. I mean, come on, man. You don't see animals. in the wild dressed up. You don't see draughts wearing pajamas. You don't see hippos wearing spandex pants. I mean, come on, people.

There's no such thing as a dressed up animal. Just ask the penguins. Wait a minute. Oh, well, I guess I lost that one. And wait a minute. Speaking of critters, and I'm not talking about dogs anymore, Speaking of animals, do you believe in mythical animals? Do you believe in serpents and dragons and unicorns and sea serpents and things like that?

Well, I think I can prove there's such a thing as a dragon. Check it out, okay? Check it out. I think I have physical proof. that dragons exist, okay? So I had a leaky pipe at my house. Okay, it was an outdoor faucet. It was one of the outdoor faucets.

And, you know, there was water coming out of it, even though it was turned off and blah, blah, so I had to call a guy up and he goes, oh, yeah, I can fix this, but I'm going to have to turn your water off, man. And I'm like, yeah, no problem. Turn my water off. So he goes to the main valve, right?

turns my water off to the whole house. You know, I got no water for about six, seven hours. And, uh, no, no problem, right? So later in there goes, hey, fixed it. You're all good. Water's back on. You're good to go, man. And I'm like, awesome, dude.

Here's your $3 million for, you know, four hours work. Yeah, that's about right. Yeah. So, uh, I go back in the house and I'm just, uh, you know, mind of my business. And I'm thinking, oh, Maybe I'll cook up some spaghetti for dinner. So I walk over to the tap and I turn it on and I come face to face with a real live dragon. Listen to this.

I caught it on my iPhone. I recorded this dragon invading my house. God, you hear that? It's crazy, right? So that's the, that's the air. When they turn off your water, all your water pressure goes away, and your pipes, your water pipes fill up with air. So I go to turn my, there it is.

I go to turn my water back on, and it starts spitting and spraying it sounds like there's a there's a like an angry cat up in my pipes waiting to squirt out of my sink right it's like i got a it's like i got a puma like a mountain lion cornered in a tree and he's up there like right i got i got a i got a i got a frigin wolverine with rabies up in my in my tap I mean, all of a sudden, a nice sunny afternoon goes to how to train your dragon at my place. And the water's spraying out. I was like, shh, it's shooting out and like, it's like bullets.

Like these jets, you know, jettisoning out of my tap, these little blasts of water. And like, things hissing at me and growling. I'm like, ah, oh, God. I'm afraid of my my bathroom now I keep it closed danger I put that yellow police tape don't go in people like hey man can I take a leak

no don't go in there oh no don't open the door people are running for their lives that's hilarious and this went on for a while Like, it wasn't a couple of little hisses and growls. I mean, this thing was pissed. Like I had it backed into a corner and had a thorn in its foot or something.

Easy, easy. Now to brush my teeth, I've got to go in there with a top hat on and a whip. Ah! Easy! Ah! It's like a lion-taming show in there. now. So just a little warning to you people

because this thing, this thing caught me off guard, took me by surprise, man. Just be ready. Okay? After the plumber's been to your house and shut the water off, just be ready for your pipes to be friggin' angry. Your tap is not pleased.

It doesn't like not having water in it. And it's going to let you know. so put on some protective eye gear maybe bring a shield maybe a lance maybe a suit of armor and be ready to do battle with the dragon in your drainpipe Are you feeling warm Are you feeling warm or you're not in the same You know what I mean you know what I mean You live with your girlfriend

You know you like it nice and you like it nice and warm and she likes it nice and chilly and she's like i can't sleep unless the a c's on and you're like well it is the middle of february baby and there is a small family frozen to our front lawn right now i don't care i can't sleep unless i feel the ac flowing and you know that's leading to a huge fight so you go all right i'll turn the ac on in the middle of february oh oh you turn it on and man two hours later you wake up in the middle of the night you look like jack frost there's icicles dangling from your nose and your eyebrows are white your fingers are like frozen like claws to the edge of the blankets you can't get those blankets over you far enough you roll over in your bed and it crunches because it's frozen stiff there's little footprints from mice in the frost on your pillow and then you go to roll over to her to get a little warmth you're like okay what do they teach me at survival school oh yeah cuddle up to a human if you're starting to get hypothermia

so you roll over and grab her and you're like how what uh hell is this a corpse in my bed man feels like uh someone put a life size popsicle in your sack you put your arms around her and you get stuck you ever see these kids lick a pole and their tongue gets stuck to the pole? Oh! Yeah, rule number one when you're picking a partner. Get someone who's in the same climate zone. Don't get someone who understands your religion or your morals or your money.

Get someone that you cannot climatize to. Because it's going to get mighty chilly if you don't polar bear. Oh, but isn't that the best thing? beauty of relationships, all those little discrepancies. Hmm. Do you like the little discrepancies? Are they funny? Are they charming?

Are they cute? Or do they just annoy you and dig deep under your skin and get worse and worse and worse? I don't know. That's a tricky road to travel, isn't it? When you get married or you move in with someone, even date someone long enough. Little things that, uh, you, you know. You know, at the beginning you overlooked, or the beginning you put up with, or you grew tolerant of? Do you find that some of the little things they do are now, like, really annoying?

And when you reflect on it, you go, what was I thinking? This is like a deal breaker. How could I have dated this person when I knew they did this? This is a deal breaker. I would never date a person like this, and yet I've been with this person for four years. What was I thinking? What's wrong with me?

I don't like it that they sleep underground, or whatever it might be, you know. Maybe not something that drastic. I don't like it that they're a vampire, and they drain 12 quarts of blood from me a week. It was cute at first, but now I don't like it. I don't like the undead aspect of our relationship. Yeah.

But hey, it's all fine-tuning. You know, it's all part of the human experience. And if you don't like it, end it. And that's just a clever way of me saying, you know what? We're at the end of the podcast, and I have to end it. And you're like, screw you. I'm going to suck your blood so you can't end it. Well, too late, it's ending.

But before I go, just let me say thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for riding along the highway with me. I hope you're getting some insights, getting some laughs, maybe a little knowledge, maybe a little of lack of knowledge. Who knows? But it's all here. Food for thought, as I say.

I'm just happy you're joining in. having a blast on the podcast for you and that's it. We're out of time today. So what do we got? I usually take summers off so I don't have a lot of, you know, stand-up comedy announcements for you guys.

I'm going to have some cool announcements for you coming up in the fall. I have a new TV show coming out in the fall. That's a little teaser. I'm not going to tell you what it is just yet. I'll wait till we have an air. date but uh it is awesome it's one of my most favorite tv shows i've ever done um so i'm gonna i'm gonna tease you with that um and then uh don't forget you can join me at twitter at harlan williams uh twitter dot com at harlem williams you can go to uh facebook back slash harlewiliams and get on the page

there talk to other pavement pounders you can write me at harlewilums dot com if you want or you can call and leave me a message 323-739-4-330 and you can check out our store buy some merch if you're so inclined got some great deals some great stuff to make you laugh make you smile and that's it man that's all we got for today hope you had a good time watch out for your angry faucets and until next time my friends you know the drill chicken chalman baby here we are children come and get your lollipops