The Harland Highway - 420. Harlland will BRAINWASH you, Live at OLYMPIC GAMES

Episode Date: August 6, 2012

Harland is going to brainwash you with a catchy song, Charles Parsley covers events at the summer Olympics, taking doctors advice, things we all share..quickly. Gamma ray gammatron oil!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

L.A. Fever made me feel all right, but I must admit it got the best to me. Getting down so deep I could have drowned, I couldn't get back the way I used to be. You will know those words? You will love those words. You may hate those words, but you will repeat those words. Oh, yes, yes, my friends. It's another Harland Highway podcast where I will brainwash you. Me being Harlan Williams, your host, this is the Harlan Highway. I am going to brainwash your brain.

Okay? I'm going to brainwash your brain with something. You'll see. Also, today we're going to talk about your health. We're going to talk about what happens after you go to the doctor. Are you responsible? or are you an idiot? We're going to be talking about special little moments in life,

quick little moments in life that you try to share with your friends, but you can't. No matter what you do, you're there together and you can't see the same thing your friend is seeing, even though they're pointing to it. And lastly, we are going to the Summer Olympics in London, England, with Charles Parsley for another great athletic event. It's great.

It's all here. It's the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway This is your fucking wake-up call, man You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams

In 30 seconds you'll be dead Then I'll blow this place up And be home in time for cornflakes I'm gonna'clock Fever Made you feel right But I must admit You've got the best of me

Getting down Oh, there it is to do you, down. I can't get back the way I used to be. Oh, there it is. I hate to do it to you, gang. I really hate to do it to you, but secretly. I love to do it to you. Um, there it is.

Every now and then, just to be a pest, or maybe just to enhance your life, you decide. I find a catchy clip from a catchy song and I play it throughout the show guaranteeing that at some point in the next week, if not every day, you will be humming or singing that little ditty out loud

or in your head as you go about your business. And you don't think you will. I know you don't think you will, but I will brainwash you with it, and it will pop out. It will just pop out. You'll be doing your groceries, you'll be brushing your teeth, they'll be getting ready for bed, it'll be gardening, and all of a sudden, you will sing or hum or whistle this little ditty. And the best part of it is got to be, I mean, listen to this guy.

voice he does this bit where he goes so deep I could have drown that's probably the part you're gonna you're gonna nail okay that's probably the this is the part that you'll probably repeat you're gonna go feeling down so deep I could have drown okay or just maybe so deep I could to drown. You don't think you will, but you're going to. This is the part I love. Listen. Yeah, that's it right there.

Gidding down, so deep a good to drown. Here it is again. I'm just telling you, you're going to sing this. You are going to do this within the next seven days. Maybe multiple times if you're lucky. Oh, it's so cruel. But here's the good part of this brainwashing session. At least I'm not disguising it.

At least I'm not hiding it. Yes, I'm inserting something into your brain that you can't fight. You think you will. You'll go through your week and you'll be like, I'm never going to hum that. I'm never going to sing that. You will. You're going to.

It's almost like a. sure bet in Vegas. But like I said, I'm not hiding my motives. I'm not like the Church of Scientology where I'm slowly, secretly brainwashing you, taking over your mind and controlling it. I'm telling you right up front this is going to happen. And you got to love the way the guys, but no one else sings like that anymore. You're not going to find a guy that sings the word drown the way this guy does i mean let's listen to the deepness listen to the way it trails off when he goes so deep i could drown i can't do it but it's it's oh it's listen to this again down here it is get down so deep a good to drown yeah i can't do it but you're going to do it you're going to try

i don't care if you're a boy or a girl a man or a woman And I don't know why I do it. It's just fun. It's just harmless fun, officer. I wasn't trying to hurt anybody. I just wanted them to sing a song and program their brains, officer. Okay, that was a bit excessive. So you're going to hear this peppered throughout today's show.

If you're not willing to be knowingly brainwashed, turn it off right now. shut off the podcast right now or you can take it as a challenge listen to the whole podcast be brainwashed and be one of those belligerent people that goes no no not going to happen no he's not going to get me it's the harland highway it's a stupid podcast it's not even funny i don't even know why i listen well let's not go that far guys but you're going to be like there's no way i'm not going i'm not going to hum that i'm not going to whistle. I'm not going to sing that ever, ever. And keep in mind, this could catch you

like months from now. You could be out hiking in the mountains or carving a birdhouse in the garage. And all of a sudden, man, getting down so deep I'm going to drown. Oh, yeah. And if you make it through this, you write me, you email me. If after five months, you haven't done this see it's like a seed it's like a disease you may get away with it for the first few weeks but somewhere down the road this this seed has been planted it's infected your brain and somewhere somehow it's going to pop up and maybe just maybe you'll think of me fondly or maybe or maybe you'll just be like oh he was right oh I'm going to oh Oh, I'm so mad at him.

So anyways, enough of that. You're getting brainwashed. It's not a bad thing. It's a cool song. It could have been like a Muppet song or a Barney song. It's a cool tune. So when you do sing it, and you will. Oh, yes, you will.

It's going to be kind of cool. So let's get on with it. I believe we're going over to the Olympic Stadium in London, England. It's the Summer Olympics, it's exciting, and we have our correspondent over there at one of the events going live over to London, England, Charles Parsley, at the Summer Olympics. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, England. I'm Charles Parsley and we have a wonderful event for you today. We are live at the track and field stadium here in London and today's event, one of the most anticipated events of these whole summer games,

the drop-a-dump competition. We have competitors from all over the world vying for the title of the human being that can drop the largest shit. have from the Netherlands, Lugak Londorg, the Korean champion, Nook Wahilo, Canadian Paul LaBronsch, and Jamaican contender Rondo Mala. Today our contestants are finally tuned athletes will be stepping up to the scales. There they are. They're walking out onto the field, onto the track, and you can hear the crowd getting aroused as these finely tuned athletes, will step up to a large silver scale and drop a bowel movement.

Of course, the contest in the Olympian with the biggest dump will win the gold. Silver going to the individual who does the second biggest dump, and of course bronze going to ever drops the smallest shit. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, our contestants are stepping up, stepping up to the scale a large giant silver scale in the middle of the field a big digital readout that tells us the weight of the bowel movement about to happen and it looks like the Korean no they're changing the order here it looks like the Danish the Danish Olympian Lugach Londorg will be the first to drop his load he steps up to the scale he's dropped his

spandex short he's dropped his spandex short he's standing on the scale and he goes into the squat position ladies and gentlemen he's squatting on the scale big silver scale he's pushing he's grunting his face straining his eyes shut like he's just sucked on a raw lemon and hit something is poking out of his anus something is poking here it comes it's a slider it's a slider and it's plopped onto the scale Lugak Londog has created a monster It's a huge

giant piece of shit And he steps off the scale 14 pounds Ladies and gentlemen 14 pound Turned by Lugac Londorg And that is very near

The World Record Set by the German In Montreal In 1976 And they clean off the turn and it looks like the Korean nook Wally Lowe is stepping up. He's got his little red helmet on, his little red spandex shorts. He stripped them down rather quickly.

He looks like he's got a sense of urgency. He's squatting down on the scale. He can't even pump. Oh, it's squirting out. It's squirt. Oh, my God. It looks like he's got the diarrhea. He will be disqualified, ladies and gentlemen.

He will be disqualified. Oh, he's made a horrible mass. You can hear the crowd react. Many of them holding their nose in the Korean. It looks like noodles. Oh, oh, it's just... Oh, the judges are cleaning it up.

One of them's fallen. One of the judges has fallen in the Korean diarrhea. The crown going berserk. They're upset. They're angered. And they're happy to see the Korean disqualified as they spray off the scale. and we see Canadian champion Paul Lebranche.

He's jogging on the spot, getting ready. He shakes his head back and forth. And he prepares to step onto the scale. A big brute, bruiser of a human being, tipping the scales in over 300 pounds. Paul LeBron slowly rolls his spandex trousers off. He squats, ladies and gentlemen. He squats, and it looks like he's taken his time. his coach earlier and one thing he instilled into his champion is to take your time there's no need

to rush the shit out of your ass and here he goes a very slow log yes when i say log ladies you gentlemen i mean timber log there is a log coming out a giant log it's slowly crawling creeping out of his swollen anus and it's taking its time like a turn Myrtle running against the hair. Here it comes slowly. Everybody in the crowd's head is tilted sideways. It's like watching ketchup drip out of a bottle. Here it comes, ladies and gentlemen.

It's about a three-foot thunder log, and it's plopped onto the scale. 17 pounds for the Canadian champion. 17 pounds. This could be a world record. And oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, Paul LeBronce has gone into celebratory mode. He's actually stood the log up. He's found some pebbles off the track.

He's put them into the log like little eyes. It looks like a shit snowman, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable showmanship. The crowd going wild cameras flashing. And we're down to our last contestant. Can the Jamaican champion Rondo Mola produce a giant turd that weighs more than 17 pounds. Here he goes.

He's got his long dreadlocks hanging off the back of his head. A look of intensity as he knows he's up some tough competition here. He rolls up his green and yellow spandex suit, slowly rolling off. He's elected to wear Birkenstock sandals. A pair of Birkenstock sandals opposed to the other contestants who went bare for. foot. Here he goes. He squats. He goes into a squat and it looks like he's doing some kind of tantric chant. He's almost willing the giant loaf to come out of his ass. He's pushing too hard. He's pushing too hard, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God, he's pushed it out like a bullet. It's

bounced off the scale. It's flying through the air. It's airborne. It's heading towards the and it's hit the Queen of England. The Queen of England has a large Jamaican loaf on the brim of her hat. Security is scrambling. Security is scrabbed. They've taken the queen down behind her seat. Her hat smothered in Jamaican shit. And it looks like that's going to lead to another disqualification. We have our champion. The gold medal winner, Canadian Paul LaBronch, has won the shit drop at the London 2012 Olympics. What an event. What a event. What a competition. I'm Charles Paisley. We'll see you back later for more events. Now back to Harlem Williams at the Holland Highway. What the hell was that? Roger? Are you kidding me?

This guy's at the Summer Olympics in London. Is that even an event? It is. I've never heard of that one. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

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Okay, well, he's there. He's covering it. And our thanks to Charles Parsley, another exciting athletic event competition and we'll be checking in again going back for more Olympic action here on the highway but in the meantime

I feel a right but I must admit you got the best of me getting down so deep a good to drown I can't get back the way I used to be. That's right. That's right.

There it is. It's all part of my scheme. I'm sure you're getting sick of it already. Maybe not. Maybe you like it. Maybe you want to be brainwashed. A lot of people in this life want to be told how to think. So there you go.

And speaking of getting sick of something, have you ever been sick? Have you ever met these? people that get sick like they're sick or they've had surgery or they're not supposed to get out of bed or they've been given

strict instructions by their doctor not to do something and then they do it they violate the instructions of the doctor and you're out with your buddy or your friend or your girlfriend and they're like oh my god if my doctor knew I was doing this right now he'd kill me

he told me not now he told me not to do this he'd kill me all right i've met people like that i i dated a girl once who had surgery and uh you know she had some work done on her uh boobies and um the doctor was like yeah don't move anything don't lift anything don't don't do anything strenuous don't you know pick up any big boxes uh because this needs like six weeks to heal. If you move anything, if you lift anything, you

will tear the tissue. You will compromise the area that we worked on and you will undo all the work I've done as a surgeon. And you know, that's the story

I heard when the surgery was over and then a week and a half later she decided to like remodel her apartment and get rid of a bunch of furniture and move a bunch of stuff and kind of being bullheaded and all that started lifting like tables and chairs and headboards and boxes and you know basically remodeling her place

and you know this was a week and a half after the surgery and of course she tells she says oh my god my doctor would kill me if he knew what I did I mean he told me not to lift stuff he would just kill me he would kill me if he knew I was lifting a kitchen table and a fridge well guess what this person damaged the area and subsequently had to go back in and get the procedure done all over again it was painful it was uh it was a it was a it was a it was a pain in the act and I don't know why people do it. Check this out.

I was playing racquetball the other day with a buddy. And he brought his friend. Okay, he brought his friend from out of town who was visiting and he wanted to watch, right? So he's sitting there watching us play racquetball. And we go on a little break. And in between, he's like, yeah, man, I just had both my hips replaced.

I guess this guy used to play football. and was a little banged up. And this is like a 40-year-old dude. And he's, I had dip surgery a few weeks ago, man. As you can see, I'm limping, and I'm just, you know, starting to recuperate. I'm like, oh, cool.

So while we're sitting there having our break, the racquetball courts open, he grabs the ball from the racquetball and walks into the court. He goes, yeah, I used to play a lot of handball back of the day. And he starts, smashing the racquetball ball against the wall and using his hand as a racket

and he's running around and doing all this stuff. And I'm like, wait, what? And he comes out and he's like, yeah, man, my doctor would kill me if he knew I was doing this. He told me, man, just take it easy. No strenuous activity. Definitely no sports. Man, he'd take my head off if he knew I was doing this.

Well, guess what, guys? And how many of you have done that? the reason the doctor says don't do it is because you're not supposed to do it okay you're uh you're damaging the work that was done you're slowing down the process you're hurting yourself and that's the way it works with pain with with hospitals it's like you go in you've got damage you've got an injury it's painful it's horrible it's bleeding it's swollen it's this it's that you're limping and the doctors go in and do a fix and the minute you leave the hospital psychologically you go

oh I'm cured I'm cured my two broken legs are back my kidney's gone but I'm back I can play hockey now oh they removed my amputated my arm but I'm still going to go play tennis and you kind of your mind is like tricked into thinking you're perfectly normal the way you were before you went in but it's not true you need that recuperation time man so uh i i kind of wish doctors followed through on their promise right

or they they appeared based on a patient's uh terminology my doctor would kill me if i know he was doing this you know he oh doctor dr jones what are you doing here i told you i'd kill you it was just a sprained wrist oh right doctors should actually show up and kill you if you disobey their orders so don't be a doofus take the time you need to heal and uh you know don't uh you got to feel all right You got to get L.A. fever and you got to feel all right. own medicine back to my brainwashing and uh as your mental physician i'm ordering not i'm ordering you not to adjust your podcast you have to ride it through defy me prove to me that you're uh you're never going to uh you know hum this tune or sing this tune mm-hmm uh-huh that's right that's right

about moments. Okay? There's some moments in life that happens so fast that can you all please stop telling me about them? Because I'm never going to share in them with you. No one around you is going to share in these moments with you, your friends, your family, your kids. And let me tell you what these moments are, okay? These are moments that you see in the blink of an eye and can never be really. They're real-life moments, okay?

Like lightning strikes, all right? Or fish jumping, okay? Or shooting stars. Oh, look at the shooting star! What? Where? Well, it was just over there by the Big Dipper, and then it went past Orion's belt

and into the X's 9 star cluster, and then through that milker, way over to the okay thanks but it was beautiful it had a big tail up big best shooting star I've ever seen how could you not see it because I was looking the other way

right or you're out you're out swimming or you're out at the lake and you just happen to be looking one way and I was like big fish launches out of the water right and what do you do you go oh my god look at the look at the fish jumping

look at the jumping look at the Camping fish, like as if everyone's going to turn and see the fish in mid-air. Oh, yeah, look at that fish. Oh, my God. Thank God it's going in slow motion. It's like a scene in a movie where a car crash, right? We just see the car get airborne and it's rolling through the sky in slow motion, and it hits and blows up and tumbles and everything's super slow.

That's what the fish is doing? No. You don't even register that a fish jumped until it's already splashed down, my friends. It's like, splash, jump, airborne, splash, back, and they're like, oh, my God, a fish just jumped. Look at the fish. Look at the fish. Look at the fish. Everyone looks.

What, what? Well, the fish just jumped. Well, I see some ripples. Oh, it was huge. You should have seen it was this big. Uh-huh. Those ripples don't look so big. but it was i mean it flipped and it's tail and i saw it's fins and uh-huh sorry i missed it

sorry sorry i'm not uh i'm not a superhero i'm not the flash okay and i can turn my head the second uh i hear a water movement and lightning you ever you know you ever do that one you're out on the porch it's raining you're sitting in the living room room. Look at the lightning. Where? It's right there. I know I saw it.

Uh-huh. Oh, look, there's another one. Look at the lightning. Where? It was this. It came down, and it was, how long was it there? 1.23 megabytes of a, of a, of a, millisecond?

Oh, funny, how did I miss that? I don't know. It was right there. Huh. Imagine that. I missed the lightning. Yeah, and a fish jumped right through the lightning. And then a shooting star hit the fish. All right, up yours. Up yours, too.

So don't even bother sharing those. Just keep them to yourself, like a little golden memory, a little treat. store it in your store it in your memory banks oh remember that day I saw that fish jump and no one else did oh let me rewind in my mind

just before I go to sleep all my favorite lightning strikes oh oh let me dream about my shooting stars okay it's over man and speaking of over

Oh, my God. Look at the time. It's over. This podcast is over. We're at the end of the podcast. Just like that. Just like a fish jumping. Just like a shooting star.

Just like lightning coming down. Down? Wait a minute. Did you say down? Oh, this podcast ain't over yet. Yeah. I can't get back the way I used to be. So deep I could drown.

Ooh, I think I'm getting it. I think I'm getting that voice down. Down. Well, that is the end of the show. Your brainwashing session is over. And I hope you enjoy singing that song at some point very soon. And don't forget, folks, don't forget to check out. my new animated television series on Nickelodeon.

Put it in your DVR, your TiVo. It's called Robot and Monster. Really great show. I was talking about it last podcast. Really fun. And I think you'll love it. So check that out. I do the voice of Monster and fabule, as they say.

Don't forget check this out. Harlem Williams.com. Check out the stand-up schedule. Go to the store, buy your merch, check out the YouTube page, Harlem Williams YouTube, and the Harlem Williams Facebook backslash official Harlan Williams site at Harlan Williams on Twitter. So many damn things. I purposely didn't join LinkedIn and I'm not joining any more social networks. it's too much work it's too much work to say it all

so it's Facebook YouTube and Twitter get on the ride correspond with other pavement pounders and that's it

no more announcements if you want to write me I'm at harlow williams.com if you want to call me leave a phone message 3237 139, 43330. Let me know.

Please call me and let me know if my brainwashing worked. And you caught yourself humming this song. Yeah, like fever, mean I feel right. But I must admit you've got the best of me. Getting down so deep to put it down. I got the way I used to be. So we'll end it there, getting funky, getting down. That's it.

Thanks for being here, folks. And until next time, a big, deep, deep bowl of chicken. Chalman, baby.