The Harland Highway - 421: JACK NICHOLSON is Harland's guest, Olympic games.

Episode Date: August 9, 2012

Jack Nicholson drops by the studio to discuss one of his more underrated movies, We go LIVE to the summer Olympics with Charles Parsley, talking about smiles, and we take your phone calls. Slab a giant crab!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. I don't know why I'm with Spring or talking sexy. I guess I'm trying to seduce you into my podcast. Come on in. Come on into my podcast. The Harlan Highway. All right, you're in. I did it. It worked. You've been seduced. Hi, I am the seductress Harland Williams here. Your host, your seducer. Welcome to the show. Oh, what a tasty show.

we have today. Just tasty. Just buffet delicious. We're going to the Olympics. We've been having such a good time with Charles Parsley live at the London Olympics. We are going back for another amazing sporting event there today. Never know what's going to happen. We're going to be discussing your smiles. Do you smile? And how long does your smile last? Interesting topic. Let's see. where this one goes. We're going to be taking some of your phone calls today. Some of you are brilliant and some of your retarded phone calls. And then Jack Nicholson is dropping by. He did a, he did a wonderful movie a number of years ago called Because of Smith or Waiting for Smith or

something like that. And he's going to be here reading some sentimental, wonderful letters for us from that movie. Just a great time right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Boom! When the nuclear bomb, I guess. Hey, welcome to the show. And let's kick it off with a clip from a wonderful, wonderful Jack Nicholson movie. um it's called about schmidt okay and uh it's it's this uh this story uh that jack nicholson plays in this movie it's this story about uh this older gentleman you know he's uh he's kind of coming in towards the end of his life into the twilight years and it's in a tragic way

he realizes that he hasn't done anything with his life. He's worked for the man, he's worked for the company, he's followed all the rules, and in the movie his wife dies, the only companion he ever had, and he finds himself suddenly very alone in a very big world. And he really doesn't have anyone, and in an effort to kind of find some kind of,

kind of connection to humanity in his life, he reaches out to a foster child in Africa. He becomes a sponsor to a little child in Africa named Ndugu. And he starts writing letters as is required by the sponsorship program, and he starts sending little checks. And he never hears back from the kid. You know, it's almost like he's just sending these letters and this money into thin air. But for some reason, he feels compelled nonetheless to engage in this practice. And if you've never seen this movie, it's a great movie.

It's kind of a small movie. There's no special effects. It's just the story of a man. And he could be any one of us. uh it deals with the emptiness of life the isolation of life it's it's a it's a real tearjerker and uh it's a it's actually a really wonderful movie it's funny it's uh enlightening it's sad it's uh reflective and jack nicholson just gives a really great kind of small performance and when i say small it's not your typical

Jack Nicholson going crazy you know it's just kind of he's right down here he's just at a very human calm real level and it's just a great performance but throughout the movie he reads these wonderful

letters to Ndugu and he kind of becomes his silent friend on this lonely journey that he's now on and I'm going to play you uh his final letter to undugu so you can get uh kind of a sense of um of what i'm talking about and then uh i'll fill you in on the rest after this so here's jack nicholson from uh finding finding uh

what did i say schwartz finding smit that's it i always mix him up schwartz and smit finding smit Here's Jack Nicholson, reading his final letter to Andugu. Dear Indugu, You'll be glad to know that Jeannie's wedding came off without a hitch. Right now, she and Randle are on their way to Sunny Orlando, on my nickel, of course. As for me, I'm headed back to Omaha. I'm driving straight through this time, and I've made only one stop. the impressive new arch over the interstate of the Karnie, Nebraska.

An arch that commemorates the courage and determination of the pioneers who cross the state on their way west. You've really got to see it to believe it. And it kind of got me thinking. Looking at all that history and reflecting on the achievements of people on ago kind of put things into perspective my trip to Denver for instance is so insignificant compared to the journeys that others have taken the bravery that they've shown the hardships they've endured I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some

kind of difference. But what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me? When I was out in Denver, I tried to do the right thing, trying to convince Jeannie. She was making a big mistake, but I failed. Now she's married to that ninkum poop and there's nothing I can do about it. I am weak, and I am a failure. There's just no getting around it. Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow.

It doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never even existed. What difference is my life made to anyone? None that I can think of. None at all. Hope things are fine with you. Yours truly, Warren Schmidt. God.

It's moving stuff. And there's more that comes in the movie. I'm not giving anything away, but there's more that comes. And if you found that little clip moving, it gets more intense. It gets even, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you're moved to tears, whether you're a man or a woman. And I'm going to be honest with you. I listen. I watched this on YouTube.

And then there's another part that comes after. after this that I'm not going to reveal, but a little tear slid down my cheek. A little salty Harlan tear. Very moving stuff, but you're going, well, Harlan, why are you hitting us with this stuff? Why are you slamming us with this melancholy moment? Why are you taking us so deep, so early? And here's why, folks. Okay, this is the Harlan Highway, always full of surprises.

is Jack Nicholson, this is unbelievable. Roger has booked Jack Nicholson. Thank you, Roger, by the way, has booked Jack Nicholson to come in and read some more of his letters to Andugu throughout the show. So as we go through the highway today, Nicholson's going to be in studio and just sharing more of these wonderful, touching, heart-wrenching letters to this. this poor African child that he sponsors.

And what a treat. So hang on to your fallopian tubes. Jack Nicholson here reading letters to Andougu as we go through the show. Unbelievable. But for now, let's focus on something else that's been on my mind. And tell me what you think about this. I have an interesting question for you, okay? And I don't know if you have the end.

answer. I don't even know if science has the answer. But here, here's my question, how long does a smile last? You know what I mean? Next time you're out, you're out and about, you're at an airport terminal or you're at a restaurant and your people watching, just look around and, you know, watch someone's interaction with a waitress or a friend or a meet and greet where someone walks up says hi to someone and they talk and then one of them walks away. Watch the person that's watching the person walk away and follow their smile. It's a weird one. Watch their smile and see how long it lasts, how long till that facial expression fades away and the smile's gone. And also the things that come with a smile, you know, the aura that comes with a smile,

the twinkle in the eye, the look in the eye, the change in the muscles and the skin on the face, the lips, the teeth. See how long that smile hangs there before it fades? away and isn't it a bit of a sad thing when you see people talking and here's where this comes from I was observing this man and woman in the in an airport terminal recently an older man and a woman and and this guy was talking to his wife it looked like and you know his face was full of life and he had a wonderful smile and she was laughing and then she got up to go get a coffee or something and he just watched her go. He followed her go with his eyes,

and he still had the smile on his face from their conversation as she stood up and walked away, and I watched that smile just hang there. It just hung there, and he watched her, and he had this look in his eye, and I'm pretty sure it was kind of like, without him saying, it was like, oh, I love you. That's my wife.

And his smile just hung there for a number of seconds, and I watched it as it slowly kind of went away because it has to. You can't smile forever. You're not the Joker from Batman. You can't have a perpetual grin on your face. But it's interesting. It's interesting to see if someone's got a real genuine, long-lasting smile

that slowly fades, or do you see people that the second someone turns their back? It's like, yeah, whatever. Smile's gone. It wasn't real. fake or are their thoughts moving on quickly maybe you can tell a lot about a person by how long their smile lasts when someone's watching a little child play or meets a baby as their smile does it hang does it just sit there uh you know um just kind of subconsciously there's no effort put into it it's just joy registering on the face or does it just kind of show up

and go away real fast. I don't know if that's an interesting question. I found it pretty interesting, and I don't know that anyone's ever asked me that before. How long does a smile last? Next time you're out and you happen to be thinking of this, take a look around and see if you can attach anything to what I'm saying. See if there's anything to it.

If there's anything behind, it might just be amusing, a throwaway thought, lot, or it might be provoking. I don't know. Might be provocative. So check it out. And, oh, my God, he's here. He's here. Oh, my God. Thank you, Roger. Jack Nicholson is here. Hello, Jack. How you doing? Great. We're super excited to have you here. you're going to be reading some letters from Indugu. Yeah, why don't we get on with it?

Okay, well, let's do it. Roger. Cue the music. Let's have Jack read one of his touching wonderful letters to Andugu. Jack, you all ready? I'm ready. Okay, here we go. Hit the music, Roger. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Dear and doo-go, today I made a crab cake. I went in the kitchen,

I opened a can of crab meat, and I made a perfectly formed crab cake. shaped like a hockey puck. Do you know what hockey is and do-goo? I put some seasoning on it and I ate the little motherfucker. Do you know what a motherfucker is? And do-goo? Later this afternoon, I heard my neighbors playing their stereo really loud,

making a lot of noise. I went in the garage and I found an old baseball bat from my childhood. Louisville Slugger and Dugu. I walked next door and I told the noisy bastards to shut the fuck up. They slammed the door on my face, so I put the baseball bat through the front window and yelled, here's Johnny. They stepped in through the broken frame of the living room window in Dugu, and I beat the living shit out of the whole family and buried them in the backyard. Well, that's all I've got for now, Dugu.

I hope you're well. Schwartz. I mean, Schmidt. Um, oh, uh, that was a little. Jack what that was a uh that wasn't really what i was expecting i read the god damn letter i know but it it seemed to lack the the softness the sensitivity the the uh the kind of uh i read the god damn letter okay all right um hey great job loved it uh you're gonna do some more for us later in the show?

I guess so. Awesome, awesome. All right. Well, why don't you go down to the coffee lounge, take a little break, and why don't you stop telling me how to live my fucking life? All right. Jack Nicholson, ladies and gentlemen, and I guess we'll be back with more of that in a few minutes. But for now, oh, my God, we are still, we still have Olympic fever.

here at the Harland Highway. And we've had our man on the ground in London, England. Charles Parsley has been over there calling these incredible events. We had the 50-yard leafblower

dash. We had the take-a-dump event won by a Canadian. And I think we're going back over there. Roger, we going over? We got them. We're going live right now. Back to London, England. for the Summer Olympics with Charles Parsley.

Yes, thank you very much, Harlan Williams. We are here, in fact, at the Olympic Stadium here in London, England. Her Majesty's Island, the United Kingdom here. And I'm Charles Parsley, with one of the game's most anticipated events. We are in the finals, the very finals, where everyone is going for the gold. Everything is on the line for the sexual intercourse competition. Unbelievable crowd here today. Stadium at full capacity.

And it looks like we've got four finalists in the sexual intercourse. The American team and the London. The British team did not make it. They did not qualify. but here's who we've got. We've got the Germans. Gunterval from Germany. Had an excellent outing in the preliminaries.

Some wonderful sexual intercourse. You can hear the crowd cheering as the athletes step onto the field. From France, we have Francois Melo, a wonderful champion with a very large penis. From Brazil, Elav Azwell, a tanned body, in excellent physical shape and as they say around the Olympic village fucks like a Chinese rabbit and our last Olympian by goodness what a show he put on the other night

from Australia Damon Thomas Damon Thomas unbelievable performance no one has seen ball-smacking the way they've seen it with Damon Thomas and listen to that crowd. They can't wait for the sexual intercourse to begin. And now here come their teammates. Beautiful women from Germany. Ola Gantra from Germany.

Barbara Fluswacha from France. Eva Galonze from Brazil and from Australia. It's Tanya Smith. Beautiful statuesque women, all of them in prime shape. and they're on the field. They're disroving. They are laying down. They are getting into sexual intercourse position. The men are jogging on the spot, getting ready, their penises flapping up and down, loosening up their flaccid penises. As they await the starter pistol, they await for their partners on the ground to seduce them and cause an erection. Everyone seems to be in position.

The line judges stepped up And there's the starter pistol It's begun It's begun The women are on the ground They've opened their legs And it looks like It looks like France Francois Malo

His penis is starting to rise It's starting to get erect He's ahead of the German But the Germans getting erect Rather quickly Oh and Damon Thomas from Australia He's popped a woody He went from Flacid

To extremely erect immediately And it looks like Ila Vaswell from Brazil is having a little trouble. He's not allowed to touch. It has to rise on its own, but there it goes. It is rising, and it looks like Gunterval has made the jump. He's on top of his partner, and he's inserted his penis into her German vagina. He's started to thrust it, but there goes Francois Malo.

He's flipped his partner over. He's doing a doggy style, a very risky thing. You never know if the judges are going to take. to the doggy style. Elavazwell who started off, very flaccid, now fully erected. Oh, oh, he's done some cuddlingus, unthinkable. The crowd cheering. He's actually doing a little foreplay before he inserts his rod into his partner.

He's doing some cunnelangus, and now he's flipped her over. He's flipped her over, and he too is going doggy style. And Australia's Damon Thomas, he's gone one step further. his partner into what we call the koala. He's picked her up. She's on his waist. He's holding her up, and they're thrusting like mad koalas, dripping with eucalyptus grease.

It's unbelievable. They're fucking away. They're plowing each other into the ground. What an incredible display of sexual intercourse. Who's going to achieve first? There's some grunting, some contorted faces. It looks like, it looks like... Oh, and it looks like Gunterval from Germany

has sprayed his load all over his partner. And Gunterval will take the gold for sexual intercourse. And the other three just seem to be taking their time and finishing in no hurry now that the gold medal has been won. What an incredible Olympic event! to Val and his partner from Germany. Take the gold for sexual intercourse. What an unbelievable display of athleticism. That's it for us here at the London Olympic Games.

And now let's take it back to you. Holland Williams at the Holland Highway. I'm Charles Pazley. Okay, thank you, Charles. Um, Roger, was it, is that an event? When did they start this sexual intercourse event? I sounded exciting to me. Are we sure?

He's really in London, right? Okay. Well, okay, let's move on. Looks like Jack is back. Welcome back into the studio, Jack. Thank you very much. Well, uh, yes, you're going to read another, uh, letter for us here to a to uh undugu that's what i'm here for okay uh let's get right into it roger

cue the music another wonderful letter uh to undugu dear indugu this morning i woke up and the birds were singing outside the sun was shining through the window i was laying on top of my sheets naked and I did about a five-second blood fart all over the sheets. Unbelievable in Dugu, you ever do a blood fart, little fella? Then I went into the bathroom, and Dugu, and I took a Philip screwdriver. I undid my toilet seat, removed it, I put it around my head and walked naked downtown to the bus station and just sat there drooling in a corner. I got a little hungry,

so I walked over to the drive-thru window at Arby's and Dugu. Do you have Arby's in Africa and Dugu? I put my naked ass through the drive-thru window and let a giant leprick-arve. I let are you okay jack i'm all right i just

i let a giant leprechaun fart go and dogo jack do you need some water yeah give me some water ah fuck it i'm finished you're done yeah i count i'm gonna bail

all right there's another nice job jack thank you very much there's another wonderful letter to to Andugu, Jack Nichols, and what a treat to have you here. Can you fit one more in before the end of the show?

I'll see what I can do. All right, beautiful. In meantime, let's get to your phone calls and some of your messages from some of you that call me here at the Harland Highway, 323-739-4-330. Alan, Brian, and Phoenix. Hey, listening to your podcast on Good Luck Charms.

I carry around in my wallet and have since September 1st, 2004, a lock of my brother's hair. That was the day he passed away, and ever since then, the nurses got me a little, little tiny bag, some scissors and his wife and myself each took a little clip with his hair and I have carried it in my wallet close to me since 2004 so that's kind of my good luck charm I kind of feel you know he just kind of looks out for him and protects me that kind of stuff so there you have it talk you later my friend there see that that's nice I was talking about good luck charms

Brian said and um isn't that nice you can carry something around uh that remind you or keeps keeps a loved one close some people get a tattoo uh some people uh you know wear a necklace or whatever but uh hey if it brings you good luck if it makes you feel good if it makes you feel close to someone or something that's what it's all about um hopefully this podcast does that for you this is this This podcast is like your good luck charm. Let's keep going. Let's get to some more callers. Ireland, William.

This is Tim, formerly from Wisconsin and out of New York. Anyways, I'm going to ask you, what is your favorite story by Dr. Seuss? For me, I don't know if I can just choose just one, but one of the stories that always always, always touches my heart, if you will, was, oh, the place as you'll go. I always thought it was very beautiful.

Yeah, I hope you enjoy some Dr. Seuss yourself. Chicken. Chow maiden, baby. Well, hey, man, excellent question. Excellent question. What is my favorite Dr. Seuss? And you know what?

I think it's got to be. be the Grinch that stole Christmas is my fave. I just love that. I love the story. I love the Grinch. I love the fact that he's this crabby old monster who lives in a cave. And he just changes. The light gets into his heart.

And he realizes that, you know, the world isn't all about material goods and belongings. and that good is better than evil. And just love it. So excellent question. I don't think anyone's ever asked me that one. So the Grinch that stole Christmas. Let's keep going here.

Hey, what's up, Harlan? Just sitting back listening to one of your old podcasts and blowing fart bubbles in my milkshake. I decided I'd give you a call and ask you about the time where you said that you have bad shows on the... night of the full moon i was wondering if that ever changed or if you still having bad shows every full moon but anyways i got to get back to blowing fire bubbles in my milkshake so i got to go see you later man no i'm cured my friend uh i came up with this uh crazy antidote um and as our caller

said i was asking about uh i have this tradition that you know i do a lot of stand-up and I've noticed that whenever there's a full moon, and I can't explain it, I have a crappy show. I usually bomb or I eat it or something goes wrong or it just doesn't work. And so I came up with an incredible antidote, and the problem no longer says every time there's a full moon, I just fart into my milkshake and everything seems to be okay, all right? Blowing fire bubbles in my milkshake. No, I don't blow far bubbles in my milkshake. That sounds like it would be, I would hurt, or it would be very cold,

or maybe, you know, milkshakes are full of bubbles. Maybe it would just froth it up and be a delicious dairy treat. Yuck. Yes, unfortunately, I still have crappy shows when it's a full moon. I really can't alter orbit. I can't change gravity. so there's no way I'm going to get rid of the moon and I just have to live with it

it's like a bad tide that goes on inside me and for whatever reason the chemical makeup in my brain and my body the moon affects me and I have really crappy shows on full moon so if you ever want to come and see a professional comedian who's supposed to be funny eat it or bomb

if that's what you get off on. Yeah, I think I'll go pay 40 bucks and see a guy bite it. Well, just look for the full moon, and there's a good chance you'll see me suck a lemon that night. I should have just stayed at home and blowing fart bubbles in my milkshake. Wow. All right, let's take one last phone call here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Harlan, this is your buddy Hector out of Long Beach. just want to let you know that that episode 415

your storytelling was freaking hilarious I had to stop the car before I crashed because it was laughing so hard but thank you very much your make my work night and drive every morning very pleasurable thank you much have a good one

and that's what it's all about podcast 450 me storytelling in the comedy club check it out thank you Hector thank you everybody keep your calls coming i'm hanging up for now if you want to uh leave me a message you know what to do 323 739 4 330 and we're almost at the end of the show i think we have time for one more uh emotional wonderful letter from jack nicholson and then we'll uh close it up uh you got one more on you jack i guess so all right roger roll

that music let's hear another uh letter to uh and doo-do or whatever his name is from jack nicholson dear indugu today i found an old rusty ice pick down in the basement down in my old toolbox i took it out took my shoes and socks off and repeatedly stabbed my foot with the rusty ice pick in and out in and out have you ever stabbed yourself with a rusty ice pook and do go then i went over to the art gallery downtown i put on a large cowboy hat and started to lick all the paintings i could get my hands on i licked a rembrandt and a daga i licked a toilet seat Well, I was there too, and Doogu, you ever lick a toilet seat in an art gallery, little fella? And then lastly, my neighbor had puppies, little fluffy puppies.

I put them out in the middle of the road in Dugu and ran over them with my Winnebago. I crushed them. I ran over them once. I ran over them twice. I ran over them three times. and do go back and forth until they were like flattened meat like chicken picante in my winnebago tire wheels you ever crush up 20 or 30 puppies and dougu anyhow i hope you're well i'll talk to you soon yours truly schmidt okay great thank you jack uh wonderful sentimental

unbelievable letters to a poor African kid thanks to Jack Nicholson for coming in that's really the end of our show a better way to go out than crushing puppies with a Winnebago thank you I was kidding

up yours so there you go thanks for your phone calls thanks for listening tell your friends I hope you're enjoying our live Olympic coverage. If you want to leave a message for me, you know the number

323-739-43330. And if you want to write me, it's Harland Williams at gmail.com. And what else? Check out harlemwiliams.com for merchandise and stand-up dates. And don't forget to check out

my new show, Robot and Monster, on Nickelodeon. I do the voice of Monster. You can TiVo it or DVR it. Robot and Monster, a lot of fun. Look forward to your feedback on it. And that's it, man. That is it.

That's all the time we have left. Well, I guess I still have time to go. I got to get back to blowing fire bubbles in my milkshake. I got to go. See you later, right. So until next time, chicken, shall me. Blowing fur bubbles in my milkshake.