The Harland Highway - 422: CINNAMON BOY, The summer Olympics.

Episode Date: August 13, 2012

Cinnamon Boy visits the studio, why do we have to point out skin color? The summer Olympic Games with Charles Parsley, menu's are getting too complicated. Royal roast beef face!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Move, move, move, move away from me, baby. No, don't move away from me or my podcast. Be here, be present, be mentally invested in the next half hour or more because we have lots to talk about, lots to deal with here on the Harland Highway podcast. I am he, Harlan Williams, host of said podcast. And what a show, what a show, what a show, what a show, what a show. I'm going to be dissecting a modern-day menu. I'm sick of going to restaurants,

and they've got all these kind of selective groups of people that they pander to on the menus, and it's becoming more and more intrusive. It's becoming more and more prevalent, where you can't just get a good old-fashioned menu with the goods. It's got to appease every person in the world with every physical ailment in the world, and it's turning me off of eating.

I'm going to dissect an actual menu. I'm going to be talking about the Olympics and the color of people's skin. Why is it an issue when certain people make achievements in life? We're going to the Olympics with Charles Parsley an incredible event today. And lastly, this isn't fun,

but cinnamon boys dropping by. Oh, God, right here. the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Oh, I'm starting to show off with a beef. With an angry or bitter beef. No, it's not angry, bitter beef. I'm just a little pissed. And see if you agree with me on this. I found myself very,

annoyed okay um i'm watching the olympics you know a few weeks ago and as you know this little uh african american girl gabby uh wins the gold medal for the u s of a and i'm watching the whole thing i watched them i watched her win with her team that was her first gold medal this is the the little girl with the big beautiful smile uh incredible athlete joy to watch So she wins the gold with all her teammates, and then she goes on to win the individual gold in the Olympics, in the woman's like single deal. I don't know. Obviously, I don't know the Olympic jargon here.

The woman's single deal,io. Imagine that's how they are. Coming up next, the women single dealio. so anyway she won the as the oh forget it you know what she can't believe i don't know what i'm talking about i don't know the olympics i'm not charles parsley um so anyways um so she wins she's up on the podium she's smiling she they're doing the national anthem and it's it's a proud moment it's great you're practically crying for this kid and she's part of this team, and then the inevitable happens.

Bob Costas comes on, and he makes the announcement, and of course he goes into, and she's the first African-American to ever win a gold medal all by herself up there in the woman's gymnastics. Yeah, that's right. Did you hear me? The first African-American. when are we going to get over that crap can we just all be Americans you know what unless the black folks

unless African Americans want that if they need to have a pin put in it okay then let them do it celebrate celebrate that but can the rest of us just be American can we all just be one group of people did you need have to point out

the race it's just like come on man it totally just took me out of that joyful moment that this guy this white guy on TV had to make this separation for everybody

gee thanks thanks for singling her out thanks for reminding me that she's African American and maybe I'm not we don't need that anymore can't we just be one big group of people I don't know

it just seems divisive it seems like it it's I find it degrading I find it like it's this constant reminder it's like an insult it's like oh look the African Americans did something that they've never done before oh look

hey everybody you know they've never done this but now they have they're the first you know we used to keep them as slaves we kept them down but now look what we've done for them we've given them the opportunity

to be a gold winning a gymnast a gold medal winner I don't know it just drives me nuts man I'm watching this team of athletes I see a black girl, I see a white girl. I think there was a girl, I can't tell, but it looked like she might have been a little bit Latino

or a little bit Asian. And it was just this mix of cultures and races and just a wonderful blend of girls doing their thing as a team, as a unit, as one. And to pull the old, well, Well, she's the first African-American. I just hate it, man. Enough.

I think that's the stuff that keeps perpetuating divisiveness in this country. It always feels like a subtle reminder of the bad things that happened. Or it's a guilt thing. It's like, oh, hey, there they are. They did it. Or it just perpetuates keeping a divisive. between white and black and Latino and Asian, do we always have to be reminded that we're different?

Can't you just let it ride, man? Can't you just let people be people? So I don't know. It just bothered me, man. Friggin bothered me. Just stop it with all the African-American accolades. Unless they want it, like I said, then let them do it. Good for them, proud.

Same as like any other community, Korean or Russian, or if you're proud of someone from your culture, then put them up on the podium and celebrate them. But we don't need newscasters and politicians and socialites, pointing out the differences. It's just slowing everything down, if you ask me. So there you go. Look how angry on it.

I'm upset I am. Oh, oh. Oh. I don't know. It just stepped on my, rained on my parade a little bit. But congratulations to Gabby, a fine American, okay? A wonderful American. A wonderful human being.

A gifted human being. Part of the human race. Okay? There. In fact, you know, know what since we're talking about the Olympics so much and this you know what to clear my mind let's just go straight to the Olympics we have our correspondent live charles parsley in london england he's been covering some fabulous events uh let's just go there folks right now let's take

it over to london england come on in charles parsley Thank you very much, Harland Williams. This is Charles Parsley at the London Olympic Games. What are wonderful games we're having. Record-setting gold medals. It's just been unbelievable. Crowds have been at full capacity, and we make no exception here today in the track and field stadium, as we all gather, for one of the most anticipated events of these games, the child-bearing competition. Today we have four finalists fighting their way to the gold medal, hoping to stand on the podium, cradling a new infant child in their arms.

First we have our Dutch competitor, Olga Svenson, with a round belly protruding from her pelvis. It's obvious she's about to give birth. From New Zealand, Ozzie Parker, a returning champion from four years ago, where she placed third and won the bronze. From Japan, Maki Nugasaki is here. And lastly, from the United States of America,

Linda Gladstone from Detroit, Detroit, Michigan. And she has really swollen up, quite the belly hanging on her. And you can hear the crowd getting rambunctious. I'm sure there's a few happy husbands up on the crowd awaiting the birth of their new child here on the public stage in front of the television cameras.

The birth being broadcast all over the globe tonight here at the Olympic Games. And what a round of applause. Some people up on their feet as the pregnant women, the pregnant athletes, step forward, get into position. Now they're starting to peel off their track suits. They're taking their...

their uniforms off, and look at those protruding bellies. It looks like they've been up all night drinking kegs of beer. Unbelievable. And it looks like Ozzie Parker from New Zealand will be the first one to lay down on the ground. And there she goes. She's getting into position. The line judge has stepped up. He's got his start a pistol in the air.

It's about to happen. It's about down, and they're off, they're off, there she goes. There she goes, Ozzie Parker. Her water just broke, her water just broke, and it got all over the line, Judge's shoes. He's doing a backstep through the grass. His shoes covered in embryonic fluid. And look at Ozzie Parker convulsing. She's convulsing and pushing, she's pushing, she's pushing, she's trying to pop her baby out.

Let's see how she does. She's pushing her face wrinkled up like a brunt, sweat pouring down from a brow and it looks like we see a hand the judges are indicating they see ahead here comes the push here comes the push and there it goes the baby is airborne flying through the air it's still arcing and it's coming down oh and it lands 71 feet 71 feet as the field judges run over and pick the baby up and wrap it in a swaddling cloth 71 feet is the Mark to beat here as it looks like Japan's Maki Nugusaki is laying down. Mokinugasaki Pulski pulls down her pants.

She's laying on it looks like she's trusting her pelvis into the air. Her back arching her shoulders. The only thing touching the ground next to her feet. And they're really giving her a round of applause. She's dilating. She is dilating, ladies and gentlemen. It looks like the eye of a cyclops just opened up. What a huge dilation.

The crowd has never seen such a big opening. It's almost as if you're waiting for the Batmobile to drive out of that opening. And here comes the push. Her water is broken, and the baby shot out without a hesitation. The baby shot out. It's flying through the air. It looks like it's going to pass the 71 feet. But wait a minute.

They forgot to cut the ambiguous board. The umbilical cord is still a day. Oh, and the baby snapped back. The baby has snapped back. Maki Nugasaki's baby has snapped back at least 25 feet. It was going to surpass the 71 footmark. But her team was unable to snip the umbilical cord fast enough, and they lost over 25 feet.

Her baby has landed at the 35 footline. What a disappointment, and that's surely going to rule her out of metal contention. But let's not waste another moment. as Linda Gladstone. Linda Gladstone from the United States of America, her first Olympics, and she looks more swollen than all the other Olympians here today.

She lays down on the ground, and she goes into her convulsions. She goes into her convulsions. It looks like she's taking a time, whereas the other ones went really very fast. She seems to be taking a time. She's actually asked for a cheese, The American has asked for a cheeseburger and curly fries.

And look, she's lighting up a cigarette. The American is lighting up a cigarette as she starts to dilate her water breaks. And it looks like here it comes. There's one head, but wait, there's another head. There's two headsets. She's popping out. She's got quintuplets. The baby's flying through the air.

They're flying out of a vagina like machine gunfire. All the judges are ducking. The baby's flying through the air. One, two, three, four. One of them's gone into the stands, and three of them have passed the 90-foot line. It looks like the American is in prime position for a record here. Four babies at once.

And that leaves us with just one Olympian. One Olympian, the Dutch. It's the Dutch team, Olga Svenson. Olga Svenson. She looks a little bit trepidious. She knows she's up against a mountain. She must climb a mountain to beat the Americans 95 feet with quintuplets. And the judges are retrieving the baby from the crowd.

It looks like some Americans have wrapped it in an American flag, and they've given it a soft drink. They're feeding the newborn infant a ice cold Coke through a drinking straw. And they've just shoved a hot dog in its mouth, preparing it for life in the United States. Unbelievable. But let's get back down to the field. Olga Svensson has pulled down her pants, and it looks like she has a mole on a buttock.

A big black mole, the crowd is cringing. It could be cancerous, but who's to know? She lays down, and she spreads her legs very widely, ladies gentlemen. Very widely. It's the biggest spread eagle we've seen here this morning, but wait, oh my goodness, is a bit of a ruckus on the field. A squirrel, a squirrel has run onto the field. A squirrel is darting all about.

The line jungers are chasing the squirrel. Oh, my God, the squirrel is caught. No, wait, it's run. Oh, my God, it's just run inside Olga Spenson's glory hole. A little fuzzy squirrel has taken refuge inside her wide open gape. Good Lord in heaven. And here comes the baby. Here comes the baby.

August Fentzen is pumping it. She pushes out the baby, little bald baby flying through the air, but wait, what's that there's a squirrel riding on its back it looks like a scene from the never-ending story a little fuzzy squirrel on the back of the fetus it looks like a scene where we've seen squirrels water skiing on america's funniest old videos and that squirrel is whipping the baby like a racehorse it's whipping the baby with a twig it's slapping the baby's newborn buttock it's going to land very close to the American at 95 feet and that extra push

102 feet the Dutch have won the gold medal the squirrel has run off Olga Svenson jumping up and down in celebration placenta dripping from her

insides it's messy but it's glorious the Dutch have won it the childbearing competition gold medal to the Dutch silver in the United States of America Japan disqualified with an ambitical cord foul and Ozzie Parker from New Zealand repeats for her second Olympics for the bronze.

I'm Charles Parsley here at the London Games. Back to you, Holland Williams, at the Holland Highway. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy

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and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. No way. Roger, you've got to be kidding me. What the hell is going on over there in London?

A squirrel ran up her glory hole? Gotta be kidding me. The baby's riding A squirrel's riding a baby through the air Whipping it with a twig? Oh, for God's sakes. Can it get any more twisted and demented?

Can life get any more bizarre? Well, you know what it can? You know, you ask the wrong guy that question. And here's how it can get bizarre and twisted. okay I don't like the way this is going but I'm going to I'm going to share it with you

okay we all we all go out to eat right we all go to the old restauranto and I think we're getting as a society a little too politically correct

I think we're trying to please everyone a little too much I think we're really overdoing it. Okay? So I went to a fancy restaurant the other day, and this place was good, man. This was a high-end

restaurant. Expensive, tasty, you know, waiters, that it wasn't just like the Olive Garden, like this was their career, these waiters, like they made good money. It wasn't cheap. The food was delicious.

But let me tell you about the menu, which probably almost makes me never want to go back to this place. And I'm sorry if this menu, you know, pertains to you. But to me, it's just annoying. So here's the menu. It's a lunch and dinner menu. And here's the categories.

They have a menu for dash heart healthy. Okay? So they've got a heart healthy menu, which I'm like, okay. Sometimes they put the little diagram of a heart beside the food. Non-offensive, easy enough. And then I go down, and now there's another menu that says with a heading, diabetic. So now there's a diabetic menu. And I'm like, okay, I get it, but maybe I'm getting a little annoyed.

And then I keep going down, and there's another category where it says vegan. Vegan menu. And I'm like, for God. sakes man but they didn't stop there i keep going there's a heading for raw r a w raw people you know there's this big thing now where people just eat raw food like they stop in a field and eat a goat and now i'm getting like this is just pretentious this is like good lord should we should we make a menu for people that have pimples? Should we have a menu for...

Oh, excuse me, waiter, my daughter got a paper cut. Could we see the paper cut menu, please? Uh, yeah, man, my herpes swelled up today. Could I get the special herpy menu? I don't want to flame up my... You know, I don't want my meals to be too spicy. I don't want my herpes to flare up before dessert, you know. Good Lord.

So I'm not finished. I keep going through this menu. I get to a new heading Macrobiotic. I don't even know what that means. Are there robots eating at this restaurant? I will have the macrobiotic egg salad sandwich place.

Blil-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lop. And also bring me some macrobotic mineral water from the center of Mars. I'm like, come on, man. Oh, it didn't end there. Now I go down to a new category, the gluten-free category. Gluten-free. Sounds like a Dutch guy.

Yeah, my name is gluten. My name is gluten-free. I would like the gluten-free, a menu, please. And then I finally went down to the last category. Guess what it was? It's one I actually knew. Beverages. It was beverages, people.

Okay? But even on that, it got a little pretentious. The first item was wellness tea selection. So they got these tea, not just tea, you just can't sip a tea anymore. Excuse me, darling, a cup of tea. No, here's their flavors of tea. Energy, tranquility, digestive, equilibrium, and high antioxidant. What the hell?

Yes, I'm feeling unsteady on my feet. I've fallen down 23 times today, and my energy is low. Do you happen to have any of that delicious equilibrium and high antioxidant tea? And while you're at it, I think I'll go into a coma. Give me some tranquility to you while you're at it. And then I went down, they had a fruit booster. Not just a fruit booster, which isn't pretentious enough. Yes, I'll have the fruit booster.

Those people over there can drink the sodas. I'm going to have the fruit booster. And again, here's the flavors. Raspberrys? Okay, peaches, fine. Yogurt, pushing it a little. Flax? Excuse me?

Who drinks flax? Oh, my God, Barbara. That's a gorgeous, gorgeous. handbag you've got. What is that? Flax? Yes, it is. Can I put that in a blender and drink it? Fuck off. What else did they have?

FVA honey. I have no idea what that is. And then the last drink they had, it just says elixir. FVA honey, ginger puree, lemon and hot water. Oh, gee. They put lemon and hot water.

on there. That must have been a typo. How dare they put something so basic, so normal. Excuse me, waiter. Yes? There's lemon and hot water on this menu. Oh, my God. Let me get that off of there for you, sir. That was supposed to be

bear juice and cobra venom. Well, that's more like it. Thank you. Appalling. Sorry, sir. Let me stab myself on the forehead with a stingray. Thank you. good lord honestly people i mean denies and and cocos and sizzler ponderosa all these regular places are just

going to go tits up because you know eventually once this creepy stuff starts there's going to be pro to we want flax denies don't serve flax we want flax we want flax or we won't come back or something. So they always got to rhyme their protests, right? We want microbiotics. We want mitrobiotics. We're not idiotics. We want

microbiotics. Danis doesn't do diabetic. That's kind of pathetic. Danny's do diabetic. We want some vegan. We want some vegan. Just like Ronald Reagan. I don't know. I mean, please, for those of you that have these, whatever you need this type of food for,

could you just stay at home? Could you stay at home and just stop eating, period? Just stop. Leave us alone. It's like, honestly, I go up for a nice dinner, and I feel like I'm in the hospital ward going through, like, the ailments. Yes, you'll have heart problems. you're a diabetic, you're a vegan, you're gluten-free, you're macrobiotic,

you're raw, and you've got some Indian curry rice water rhino horn. Yeah, I know some of you are going to be mad, and I get it, we all have health problems, and if I had some kind of ailment, I'd probably want this. But I think if you're in that boat, you kind of know where to go, you know what to order, you know what you can't eat, what you can't eat. If you've got a food allergy,

you've got to figure it out. Do the rest of us have to deal with all this? The 99.9% that just want to go out for a cheeseburger and some fries? Do we have to have a doctor sitting with us? Oh my God, I'm exhausted after that rant. I wonder if I have microbiotics. Oh, my God.

I think I can feel some microbiotics coming out. Oh, my God. I'm so scared. So very scared. Oh, wait a minute. There's someone at my door. Roger, who the hell's coming into the studio? Hi, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Oh, God. Roger. What is he doing here? I heard you were doing some talking about foods. Yeah, so? Well, there's one food that's very healthy for you. What's that, kid? Cinnamon! Because I'm sick. Cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Knock it off!

Don't tell me to knock it off, you wispy willow in the winds? What the hell is a wispy willow in the winds? I'm in here trying to tell you how you can eat properly and get all the vitamins and niacens and calceums and riboflavins you need. What are you talking about? Suddenly you're a health food expert? I surely, surely am. Oh, get out of here, kid.

Eat lots of cinnamon, and you'll be just fine, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here! The hell's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter with me. I'm as healthy as a cello. As a cello, that's right, it's a musical instrument. It's not I'm as healthy as a cello, kid. I'm as a fit as a fiddle.

Wow, what planet are you from? That's the saying I'm as fit as a fiddle That makes no sense at all Maybe you need more cinnamon in your diet I know I eat a lot of it Because I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Get out of here

Your blood pressure seems very high sir Don't call me sir Well what should I call you madam Don't call me madam Well you said to not call you sir All right call me sir And you can call me sir And you can call me, sir, as well.

I'm not calling you, sir. Then how about Sir Cinnamon? I'm Cinnamon boy, and I've just been knighted. I'm Sir Cinnamon! You're not Sir Cinnamon. You can't knight yourself. Well, how about I turn the lights out in here and say goodnight to your fat, ugly, pimple-infested face?

Because I'm Sir Cinnamon. You're nuts, sir, get out of here. Get out. I'm not done yet, telling you. people about the health benefits of eating lots of cinnamon no you're done get the hell out of here no one orders a night around you're not a night wow who's stuck a cinnamon stick up your ass crab apple get out i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon get out of here idiot Roger, do not let that idiot in here.

You want me to call security? Yes. I don't want them back. I'd rather eat a dead goat than eat cinnamon. That's no way to talk to royalty. I'm Sir Cinnamon, and I'm Sir Cinnamon, boy! Get out! God!

Idiot! Just when I think we're never going to hear from that moron again, you know he hasn't been around for a while i'm thinking good he stopped coming into the studio there he is thanks roger thanks for letting him in oh god well i'm just gonna end the show right here i'm gonna i'm gonna go out and eat some gluten-free styrofoam or something try and erase that this moment from my mind boy oh boy um Well, hey, that's the end of our show. My apologies that we had to end it with Sir Cinnamon.

His Majesty, Sirs... Oh, God. Cinnamon dust in here. God. Kids clothes are... He smells like cinnamon. Anyways, uh, that's it. Hey, thank you for, um, watching Robot and Monster.

Uh, it's the new Nickelodeon show I'm involved in. I do the, uh, cartoon. voice of Monster. Apparently, it's been a big hit so far in the ratings, and tons of people are watching it. So thank all you pavement pounders for that tuned in. Thank you. And if you haven't caught it yet,

it's a really fun cartoon on Nickelodeon. It's brand new. It's called Robot and Monster. And I do the voice of Monster. A lot of fun. Don't forget to check me out at harloweems.com, check my stand-up schedule, visit the store. And if you want to call me and leave a message, 323-739-4-330, you might get on the air. You might not.

Depends how much I like your message. No pressure. Or you can write me at harlornilums.com if you have any comments or you want to see Cinnamon Boy killed. um please let us now so uh that's it our thanks to charles parsley over at the uh summer olympics and uh no thanks to sir uh cinnamon cinnamon boy um but thanks to you for being here tell your friends about the harland highway and uh keep coming back love having you i've got some uh some cool announcements coming up the harland highway there's going to be a bit of a change coming uh i won't tip my hat too much just yet but some good things it's all good and uh we'll keep you updated as we head into the fall

and all kinds of groovy stuff so there you go uh until next time my friends you know the drill chicken chow main baby with a little bit of cinnamon Come on!