The Harland Highway - 423: TIMMY campfire songs, Harland solves a mystery!!

Episode Date: August 16, 2012

Timmy the campfire kid drops by to sing summer campfire songs, Harland solves a Hardy Boys style mystery, going on a summer road trip, and encounters with spider webs. Blunch my blorch teeth!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Grand Illusion. No, not an illusion. This is reality. This is a podcast. This is the Harland Highway podcast, ladies and the durable flurblins. Thanks for showing up. Great to have you here. I'm Harland Williams, your host, and what a show, what a show, what a show.

We are going to be talking about all kinds of things today, man. Spiderwebs. Have you ever walked into a spiderweb? We're going to discuss that creepy experience. We're also going to be... There's a big mystery unfolding at my house. I might have to turn into a hearty boy to unravel this one, but way to you hear about the crazy mystery I have to solve in my own home.

It's disturbing, it's crazy, and I'm hard. hoping I can get to the bottom of it. And how about this, ladies and gentlemen, I went on a crazy road trip recently to kind replenish my soul, replenish my engine, and what a great road trip I had with one of my best friends from college. I'm going to tell you all about it. I hope you get a chance to do it. And Campfire Timmy is here at summertime.

He's going to be singing Campfire songs, I think, right here on the Harle. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Tonight, the Hardy Boys, in the mystery of the... Bloody tampon. Mm-hmm. That's right. You heard me. The mystery of the bloody tampon. Okay?

It's like a hearty boy's Nancy Drew Sherlock Holmes mystery at my house. Let me fill you in, okay? I had a little barbecue. I had a little get-together at the old Hacienda. That's Portuguese for house, I believe. And I had a small group. I had a small group of people.

I don't like having giant parties where, you know, you can't keep track of everything and you're running around, you know, getting people towels and donuts and clear assailointment. So I had a small group. I had a small intimate group up at the house. It was like two dudes and like, I think there was like seven or eight girls. You know, if you're going to throw a party, you might as well have that be the ratio, right? um so you know it's an afternoon people are swimming we're barbecuing the thing goes on for uh you know till

like sunset okay so full afternoon and people are filtering in and out of the house they're using the bathrooms as change rooms people are making drinks in the kitchen blah blah blah and uh and so everything goes off great you know there's some beers there's some hot dogs there's some swimming there's some laughing and uh later that uh evening when everyone's gone i'm cleaning up a bit i go into my master bathroom to do a tinkle and i got a garbage can right beside the the old toiletto right that's portuguese for toilet i think and i look down and uh there isn't much in the in the garbage can you know i cleaned up the before everyone came over.

I emptied it out. So it was like one Kleenex. And then laying beside the Kleenex, here we go. Something I didn't need to see or want to see. Oh, a tampon with blood on it. And I'm not talking about the pad. I'm not talking about the one with the wings

that flies around in your house and lands on your shoulder and sings to you. No, I'm talking about the one you insert up in, side looks like a little plastic white hot dog or something you know the one with the string hanging out of it like you're making like uh vaginal tea looks like a tea bag string hanging out of there i know the girls are going you prick williams i'm just trying to tell you what it is so here it is this this white tube looks like a bloody albino cigar laying in the bottom of my

my garbage can there and suddenly I got a mystery on my hand I got the mystery of the bloody tampon suddenly I'm thinking who would do this why won't you wrap it in Kleenex or toilet paper or something you know I had four sisters growing up

and a mother that's a lot of women in one house and even they would like wrap that stuff up in in in in in in in clean it's they give it a courtesy wrap kind of like the way you wrap fishing chips and newspaper okay if you have a bloody tampon you wrap it up and you kind of hide it so now i've got like this bull you know this this this bloody uh uh vagina carrot laying in my in my thing and so suddenly i have to turn into the hearty boys or inspector or uh you know the sunday night mystery movie i'm somehow obsessed suddenly i'm thinking who would

do this which one of the girls at the party or maybe it's such a mystery maybe a boy did it if i'm going to be a sleuth if i'm going to be a detective i have to factor in all possibilities maybe a dude did it and threw it in there thinking he'd throw me off you know thinking oh Harland will just think it's a girl, but I'll stump them with my bloody tampon. I'm like, no, no, no, no. I think it was a girl, but now I have to figure out which one would do this. Which one didn't have the proper tampon etiquette? Which one of them just flopped their bloody pussy sponge into my garbage can and left it just staring at it.

me. I mean, look, it's a natural bodily function. It's human. It happens. But at the same time, you're a guest at somebody's house. I mean, is it appropriate? Just walk in the toilet? God, this thing's drenched.

Just throw it right there on the garbage can. Squirt. it's like how much trouble is it to go my goodness harland has a lovely house and he's been a wonderful host and oh this is so uncomfortable but i'll take this out and wrap it up and disguise it and just throw it in with the other garbage and no one will know but no this thing was this thing was sitting there like you ever see the the movie or the read the book or see the the show of when there's a sword sticking in a and everyone walks up and tries to pull the sword out of the stone and whoever pulls it out is the king it's like this glaring thing in the middle of the town everyone's aware of it that's what this tampon was it was like just sitting in the garbage sticking out like a sore thumb and so now i got a stark wrong well let's see janis was here and i start like piecing together i'm

I'm doing a character breakdown, okay? Of all these women that were at my party, I'm doing a background search in my mind. I'm putting the pieces together. It's like, okay, Janet's pretty mellow. She's low-key. She's polite. I can't see her doing it.

Barbara's like, you know, she's kind of fun and silly, but she gets embarrassed easy, so it doesn't make sense. Aha! Sarah's always the one that's, Herping loud and doing farp bubbles in the pool and, you know, just too open for her own good. Was it her? But then I go, wait a minute. There was another chick here who, like, hung a moon and was taking, having people take pictures of her naked ass and being kind of crude.

And I'm like, maybe it was her. Maybe it was Tiffany. Oh, and it's just this mystery. and it's like how do I solve it without doing a DNA test, right? So what I did is I went to each of their houses, asked for a blood sample. Because I'm a detective. I'm a hearty boy.

I'm Nancy Drew. I can't let this go unsolved. And boom. Boom, boom, boom. It was Tiffany. Unbelievable. And I didn't even need the DNA. test she still had blood all over her fingers what whoa whoa whoa let's get out of here

right now whoa oh boy did I go too far was I oh hang on someone at the door Roger who's is there supposed to be someone here hello hi oh god don't oh god me I'm here I'm here for a good very good very wonderful reason what are you doing here kid i'm in the middle of a podcast it's summertime ass don't call me ass well that's what you are i'm not an ass i'm a podcaster yeah i rest my case ass what do you want kid it's summertime so so so i sing summertime campfire songs that's what God, you're still singing those stupid fireside campfire songs, Timmy?

That's right. You better show a little respect, Fudge face. Don't call me names, kid. Why not? Because I'm older than you. Show a little respect. Okay, how about this? Sour, apple,

crabgrass face. Oh, God. What do you? Are you here to sing? You know I am. all right sing what are you going to sing some of your goofy campfire songs you goop me goofy you can't even talk oh god yes i'm singing three campfire songs three yes i always sing three oh for christ's sake thou shalt not take the lord's name in vain hell spawn i'm not a hell spawn well i heard you blasphemy Blasphemy. That's right. Father McPatrick says, you can't blasphemy the Lord's Savior like that. It's said to, it's pronounced blasphemy, you numbscull.

Numscull, huh? Yeah, that's what you are. Well, how about you, potato sack, Clint? Kid, get out of here. Not till I sing. You know, my father's one of the bigwigs here. Hurry up and sing your first stupid campfire song. What is it? It's called The Wolf Goes Howl in the Moonlight.

Hurry up. Okay. Hurry up. All right. You can't rush a Campfire song. Oh, yes, you can. Oh, the wolf goes howl in the moonlight. Awoo!

Awo! The wolf goes howl in the moonlight. Ah, woo, the wolfie howls in the moonlight. Ah, woo, ha, woo, the wolfie house in the moonlight. Ah, stop it. Ah, I'm not finished. Get out of here. Oh, ooh!

Great, you're done. Get out. I have two more. Oh, for Christ's sake. Thou shalt not bless for my. in the name of the Lord's signature. What do you mean the Lord's signature? Well, when he signs his, when he says his name...

Yeah? Well, what if he signs his name with a credit card? That's his signature. That's the Lord's signature. Would you just sing your dopey second song and get out of here? Okay, here we go. 5-3-2-2-1. It's the Pine Cone song.

three two one five everyone sing along oh five two two two one pine cones in the trees four nine two two one everyone doesn't like leaves because they like pine needles wow probably the dumbest campfire song i've ever heard up yours athabasca licorice ass do you have one more hurry up and get out it's something Summertime, you should respect it. I'll respect it when you drown in a lake, you freak. How dare you? Hurry up!

All right! What is it? It's a wonderful campfire song. Children sing it all over the country, under a starry canopy of skies, while a crackling campfire dances around them. That makes no sense, kid. You know what I mean, broccoli tit?

Hey, hurry up and do it. What's it called? It's called, we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. What? Here's how it goes. That's not a campfire song. Here it is, shut your crab hole. Oh, we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time.

Oh, no! That's not a campfire song, kid. Shut up. We could dance. some party all night and have some cherry wine oh yeah oh god oh come on that's not a campfire song oh we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time oh yeah get out of here I'm not finished with La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Good time Get out That's not a campfire song You're an idiot We go dance at party All night And drink some cherry wine Oh yeah

Out Out Get out Up yours Stinkerbell Out Oh, my, get out! And I'm not a piece of meat, stimulate my brain.

And I'm not a piece of meat, stimulate my brain. Get out! What a mental case. God. We could drink some cherry wine all night long and have a good time. or whatever the hell it was. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. What is that kid like 13 and he's singing about taking his clothes off and drinking?

What an idiot. God, Roger, don't let that nutbag in here. I know he's got someone in the upper thing, that stupid Timmy kid. Just, next time, just try and lie to him. Tell him we're closed or something. God. Anyway, something else that's almost as creepy as Timmy the Campfire boy. You ever do this?

You ever walk through a spider web? Have you ever done that? And it doesn't even have to be like you're in a haunted house or an underground cave. I think we've all got spiders in our houses. We don't like to admit it. But no matter where we live, a townhouse, an apartment, a cottage, a house, a mansion, somehow they always seem to be there. Somewhere in your house, I promise you, there is a little web somewhere.

You can usually see it because the dust collects in it. if it's not up in a corner it's under your bed or it's in the bathroom or it's under a cabinet they just no matter what you do there's spiders somewhere in your house and every now and then whether it be in the house or a lot of times this happens when you walk out in the garden every now and then a spider just takes his web

and kind of puts it across your walkway or you know he goes from a book to a tree in front of the door to your garage or your back door or your office or whatever you've got going, your tool shed. And you don't see it because it's, you know, they're crystal clear. And you're walking along doodily do. I think I'll go get some rakes out of the tool shed. I think I'll go over to my office, you know, get some work done.

And all of a sudden you kind of walk through it. And it's weird because usually when things contact your body, it's like a direct spot. Like, of a fly hit you, it bounces into your forehead. If, you know, a leave falls from a tree, it drops on you. If you brush past a bush, it hits your shoulder. But a spider web, if you cross through its path, wherever it's stretched, it kind of like goes across your whole body. All right. And if it's summertime and you're wearing a t-shirt and, you know, it hits your arm.

And then maybe it goes up across like your face, like right onto your nose. It kind of wraps around your ear. It gets in your hair. Then you feel it on the other arm and then down onto your hand. And it's kind of sticky and it's kind of like clinging. And, you know, you do this thing where you brush it away. You know, sometimes when you have a hair hanging in your face, you're like brush it away and it bounces back and you brush it again. And eventually you get it, right?

But somehow with the spider web, because it's so silky and sticky, when you brush it away, usually end up like attaching it even more. Like you'll brush it away from your forehead, but then in the brushing motion, you'll wrap it around the side of your face and around your ear and through your lip. and then somehow it twirls around your whole head and you're like, wait a minute. And then you're pulling it off your eye and you're like, I thought I got this. And then all of a sudden it's on your forearm and you're like, hey, wait a minute. And then there it is between your fingers and you finally think you got it. And then like 30 seconds later you sit down in your office to do it. And it's like, wait a minute.

What's that? Ooh, it's in my fingers. It's on the back of my hand. It's just one of these things that if you don't like, really stop and like pat yourself down it's this weird light thing that kind of clings and you know kind of moves its way around the fabric of your clothes and your skin and your worst of all is your hair and you get it and your goes across your face and for those that don't like spiders man it's it's even worse because it makes you all like oh oh what's that

oh like you kind of panic a little bit a lot of people equate the the well with an actual spider. They think because they can feel the web that they're feeling the spider. People get all, you try to out, you try to outrun the web, or you try to twirl away from it, or you try to like brush it away,

and the more frantic you get, the more it ensnars you. And you're almost like this, you're almost like a fly caught in the spider's trap, and you're wondering if that was the plan. He's like, you know, man, I've been eating flies, most of my life, and I see these five, six foot foot people walking back and forth, man,

and they've all made of meat and bone and tissue and stuff. Man, I'm going to catch me one of them bigons. They're going to get me a biggin. Enough of these flies. I was getting wings stuck in my throat and whatnot. So I don't know. It's just one of those summer experiences that kind of freaks you out. It makes you a little itchy and creeped out.

and it's a weird, sticky feeling. So watch out for spider webs. I know they're kind of invisible. But, you know, do your best. And for God's sakes, don't get eaten by a spider. And speaking of nature, man, I got to tell you, you know, it's summertime. And hopefully all of you had a chance. to just, like, go away and do something.

And if you haven't yet, do it. Life's too short, okay? If you're one of these people, oh, man, I'm going to work through the whole summer and collect my vacation days and, you know, do this. And, you know, if I don't go on vacation this year, then, you know, in three years I'll be able to go and don't do that. You don't know when you're going to hit the wall. You don't know when life's going to end.

Don't play the I'm collecting my vacation days game. I've seen people that have done that Oh, I haven't been on a vacation in 20 years I've been saving them up So I'm going to have five months You know what? You're missing out on the joy of life If you play that game

Okay, do you really want to go on a five-month vacation? Do you think you can sit on a beach for five months? The purpose of a vacation is to break up your year To let you unwind, decompress, have some adventure, go do things you don't normally do, break out of your routine. Come on, man. Take your vacation time. Use it.

You're not tricking anyone by saving up your vacay days. You're tricking yourself. You need time to get away. You need time to, you know, live, see the world, fish, camp, do whatever. But I got to tell you, one of my best friends, Reg from college, is my roommate in college, one of my roommates. And we've gone on a few great road trips over the years that we decided to do one this summer. And here's what we do. He lives in San Francisco.

I live in L.A. I flew up. We rented a car. And what me and Regs loved to do is we kind of pick a point on the map that we'd like to reach. In this case, it was like Northern California, right? by the border of Oregon. And not on the coast, but over on the east side of the state, somewhere we'd both never been.

And we go, okay, we want to be in this general area. We don't reserve a hotel. We don't plan a campground. We don't do anything. We just know that that's where we want to end up over the course of like four or five days. And the fun of the journey is just driving and stopping wherever we want.

and getting a crappy hotel or getting an amazing hotel or whatever happens to show its face the night we pull into a certain town or city or whatever, we deal with it when we get there. But doing it that way, you have a sense of adventure, and people go, oh, you can't do that. What if this and what if that, what if that? It's like, you know what?

If there's a road with pavement on it, chances are there's a motel or a hotel somewhere nearby. So live a little, take some chances, have a sense of adventure, and just go for it. And when you don't have a reservation, it gives you the leverage to just kind of go with the wind. If you want to drive a little longer, if you see something exciting, if you don't, you don't. So anyways, we went up to this area of Northern California, Shasta, and we found some old ancient lava caves. Oh, my God, we went underground like mole people.

There's these giant caves at the lava form. The boiling lava pushed through the crust of the earth and just left these big caves burnt through the rock and you can go down underneath them. And we're like mole people. We're like the mushroom people. We're under there. And, you know, Reg told me he was apprehensive because he's got a phobia.

he's got a claustrophobic phobia and he powered through it and much to his credit he went full bore we went through one cave that was like a quarter mile deep or a quarter mile long and we turned our flashlights off right in the middle of it it was just the blackest black you've ever seen you couldn't see a thing and kudos to reggie because he he overcame his fear and we had an amazing time. And, you know, we just drove through some back roads. We went through an Indian reservation. We went to some lake in the middle of nowhere.

We kind of got semi-lost in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night. We were like driving down these dirt roads and the rental car and the old signs full of bullet holes kind of telling us where to go and mysterious lights in the sky and jack rabbits running out of the darkness. and uh what a blast what is what a one an adventure we had stopping and taking pictures

finding little country diners to stop and get an omelet or pancakes or a burger uh you know stopping and looking at things fishing just hey there's a river running beside this old back road let's fish and that's the key you got to take back roads man you got to get off the beaten track and just follow the back road don't be afraid it's it's the country everyone's kind of nice and i guess one of the highlights of the trip is we're going through some mountain pass and we uh we're driving along this old road and running beside us is this river this mountain river it's probably about i don't know let's say 20 feet across 25 feet across and there's rapids and there's water

careening through the rocks and uh we get out we're fishing it a little bit and we get to this one spot and there's water rushing down the rocks and then all of a sudden it leveled out it leveled out for about 60 70 feet you can still see the water gurgling into you know the current going along but then because it flattened out it created a kind of a smooth pool off to the side and this mountain water was a crystal clear right and you could see right down into it it's about seven feet deep and it was cold, but it wasn't like uncomfortable cold. And here we were, two grown men, buddies for 25, 30 years.

And without hesitation, without reservation, we just went, screw it. Ripped our clothes off, raw to the bone, two pasty white Canadian boys. You know, no tan lines, no rippling six packs. Just two old, wonderful naked Canadian boys, and in we go, man. We dive into this river and, oh, my God, just beautiful. I can't even describe to you the beauty, the wonderment of submerging yourself in a fairly cold, moving river, crystal clear. The sun shining down into the water because it's not. too deep. There's nowhere for the sun to refract, but right back up.

So you go under and you open your eyes and there's this clear water and all these wonderful colors and glimmering, shimmering, sunlight. See a few fish, blurry fish swimming in front of your eyes and I tell you, just being under there, it's like going to another world. It's like just, it's like a baptism. That's what I said to Red. I said, man, this feels like a baptism you know you're out in nature you're naked you're you're feeling the water all over your body it's clear it's clean and you get out and i'm telling you we both talked about this you know normally we're not you know talking about our skin and all this but our skin was just like it felt

moisturized it felt revitalized it felt revived just fantastic man just you your whole body's just like tingling it's like it's like you nourished your whole body you you fed it like mother earth's recipe and you're just submerged under that water you're holding your breath and everything's sparkling it's it's like you're swimming in gold man shades of turquoise and green and hints of blue and the gold from the sunlight and the different colored rocks lighter rocks up against grayer rocks and red rocks, up against dark rocks. And you can feel the current rushing over your body, but it's not strong enough to sweep you away,

so you're just kind of swimming on the spot underwater. I tell you, man, nothing takes away the worries of the world better than something like that. So hopefully summer's not over for you. Reg and I had a killer road trip. Tons of laughs. All we did was laugh the whole time. Laugh and laugh. So grab a friend.

This is my little tip for you. Grab one of your best friends, maybe two of them. Pick a spot on a map. Just drive towards it. Take the back roads. Be adventurous. Stop. Look at things.

Walk into a forest. Climb a rock. Jump in a river. Throw a fishing line in. Stop at a weird dumpy, diner to eat, stay at a goofy old motel, the prickly cactus inn, and just unwind and let it go, man. That's my advice to you. That's my tip.

Take it or leave it, but I think if you try it, you'll be happy, man. And don't save up those vacation days. Live right here, right now. Okay? There. I'm stepping off my pulpit. No, I'm not preaching. I'm just, I hope, I want all of you to, you know, remember that your journey in life is,

you've got to smell the roses. You've got to just live sometimes. Oh, and I tell you, ever since that trip, I just can't stop thinking about being in that river. It was just amazing. I almost want to drive all the way back just to do it again. I think I might. I think I might. I'm not even joking.

I think I might. It was that beautiful. So there you go. Ending the podcast on a wonderful note. And I hope you can get away and do something fun like that. Amherse yourself in the real world and rub up against Mother Nature and let her nourish your soul, your skin. Go and get baptized.

And in the meantime, if you're kicking around Los Angeles ladies and for Gurgled Ergens, don't forget that I guess it would be Tuesday, August 21st, the Appletree Boys will be doing stand-up sketch comedy at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. That's me and my buddy Sean Tweedley. We do an all-sketched show. It's 8 o'clock at Flappers in Burbank, California. We take suggestions from the crowd, and we make up sketches on the spot, and it's really fun. People have been loving it.

So come on out. Go to flappers.com, Burbank, California, and get your tickets. Don't forget that you can check out harlomwelliams.com. You can write me at harlombs.com. You can phone me and leave a message 323-739-4-330. um check out the web store follow me twitter at harland williams all that stuff man and be sure to tune into robot monster my new show on nickelodeon set your uh your tvo it's really fun we've been getting a really good response i do the voice of monster and uh i hope you dig it man but that's all

the time we got for today i got to go uh take my clothes off and have a good time jump inside a nice Mountain River and drink some cherry wine. And until that time, chicken chalemain, baby.