The Harland Highway - 424: Last Summer OLYMPIC event. The end of summer.

Episode Date: August 20, 2012

Harland discusses the last days of summer, a final trip to the Summer Olympics, the smell inside your car, and a phone call from a mysterious caller. Blank blunk blickle pickle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the most happiest time of the year. Yes, it is because it's still summer. And some of you are going to try and poo-poo your summer and end it too early. And I'm going to talk about that later in the show. I'm going to try and help you through it so that you squeeze every last drop out of your summer. And hopefully you can. We are also going to be, I think we're taking a phone call from somebody today. Roger said someone's calling in.

I'm not sure who. I'll deal with that when we get there, I guess. How about sense? What does your car smell like? We're going to go through the library of available car scents. I recently stumbled on a plethora or plethora. as they say in New Jersey, a different sense for your car.

Kind of ridiculous what they got out there, man. And then it looks like we're going back to the Summer Olympics for another event. I thought the Olympics were over. Roger, my producer, tells me they're not. Charles Parsley is still in London, England, so we're going over one more time. Doesn't make sense to me,

but it never does make sense because you're here on the Harland. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Here we go. Let's kick this pound puppy off. Let's get this podcast rocking and a rolling. Oh, Harlan. What? It's Roger.

Yeah. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Well, I'm not expecting any calls. Look at... Look at the caller ID. What's, I'm showing, the, the zoo, the city zoo's calling? What? Yeah, the caller ID, it's a city zoo Australian pavilion.

You're kidding me. Oh, for God's sake, let me pick it up and see what it is. I'm at the beginning of my podcast. What the hell are they phoning for? Hang on. Hello? What the hell? What?

Hello? Who the, is this the zoo calling? What? What the hell of you saying? Can you speak English, sir? Wait a minute. The Australian pavilion at the zoo. Wait, is this, is that koala? Roger, is this the stupid koala phoning from the zoo?

Oh, for God's it, Roger. What the hell is he doing? How did a koala get through? Get him off. Stop talking. I don't understand. Roger Stop, get him off, hang up on, hang up

God, is he gone? Did the koala hang up? Well, for God's sake, you're supposed to be screening the calls. What the hell would a koala be phoning us for him? I'm doing a podcast. We're the only people that get zooan... Hello? Who is this?

Oh, for God's sake. What, what do you, what do you want? What? What the fuck is going on, Roger? Hang up on this thing. What the hell? I think he hung up. Good.

What the hell is wrong with you letting that stupid thing through it? It eats leaves and hangs up in trees. Little eyes squished together. No offense. but they look like the Down syndrome animals of the animal kingdom, okay? Oh, for crap. What did he just tell me to do, Roger? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hang up on him!

Sorry, not really. Oh, God, all right, all right. Let's go to something a little more festive, a little more upbeat, a little bit, a little bit. more not in the realm of Australian marsupials. God. Some good news for the kid. I wanted to share with the pavement pounders here today. It looks like I booked myself a sitcom.

Yes, sir, it looks like I'm going to be shooting 13 episodes out of the gate for a new sitcom called package deal story is about the show centers around three brothers who kind of do everything together so the concept being if one of them dates a girl

then the girl kind of has to be vetted by the other two brothers and this spills over into their work life, their social life, their dating life, their married life and I guess the show is kind of about one of those scenarios

where you've got overly close siblings, and, you know, they just can't be separated. And so everything they do intermingles and they're stepping all over each other's business and all that stuff. So a little exciting news. I thought I'd share with you folks. We start shooting in October. And I guess it's going to hit the airwaves in 2013. And I'll keep you posted on that. um so okay lower the music we that was that was good we celebrated um but uh what we're going back to the olympics what do you talk the olympics are over and i said turn down this music roger what do you

you're having an off day dude why would we go back to the olympic turn down this music why would we go back to the olympics when they're over What do you mean there's still a few, there's still a few events. You've got to be, well, I didn't know about this. All right, folks, looks like we're going back to the 2012 Summer Olympics here. Is it Charles Parsley? Yeah, okay, we got Charles Parsley. And here we go to the Summer Olympics.

And next time, turn down the damn music. God. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 2012 Summer Olympics. I'm Charles Parsley. There are those that said the Olympics are over, but they still seem to be dragging on. And today's event is no exception. Today we have the Baked Goods event with competitors from all across the globe vying to be champion. to see who can bake the best pastries in the world.

And our competitors today are Olympians, our athletes from Bermuda. Danny Bermuda, his name is actually in the name of his country, and I'm looking at my notes, I'm not even sure that Bermuda's a country. From New Zealand, Toggy Johnson, Toggy Johnson looking in top form, from the United Kingdom, our very own. masters who is a master in the kitchen you can hear the crowd starting to get animated as our athletes step into the field and our final athlete from the united states of america she's imposing she's a champion in her own right she's not to be messed with and she's the one they're all trying

to topple it's trudy from the facts of life sitcom the 1970s facts of life sitcom trudy she's large, she's pungy, she's imposing, you can hear the Americans screaming with enthusiasm as they step up to their tables that are loaded with fresh dough, icing sugar, butter, icings, all kinds of ingredients, the list is too long to go through on this hot summer day at the 2012 Olympics. We're waiting for the officials to shoot the starting pistol The athletes are ringing out their fingers, some of them cracking their knuckles. Danny Bermuda cracking his knuckles, and it looks like Nigel Masters is stretching his fingertips. He's jumping up and down, flailing his hands in the air, getting them loose, and up steps the line, Judge.

There it is, there are, ladies and gentlemen, there goes Toggy Johnson from New Zealand. He's rolling his cinnamon bun. He's rolling his cinnamon bun. He's making little strips of dirt. He's pouring in cinnamon and butter, and who knows what else. And there goes Nigel Masters. Nigel Masters from the United Kingdom is making a blince. It looks like he's making some kind of a blitz. He's adding cheese. It's a cheese blitz, ladies and gentlemen.

He fluffs up the eggs. He rows them into the batter, but it looks like Trudy from the United States of America. It looks like she's making a raspberry turnovers. She's got a dozen raspberry turnovers on the, go the skin flakes are so what i'm trying to say here i'm so excited the pastry is so flaky it looks like skin flakes unbelievable crusty and glisting in the sun we can see it from up here in the sound booth and let's get back to danny bermuda danny bramuda it looks like daddy bermuda has gone ethnic he's

making some baklava he's making some greek baklava Ladies and gentlemen, unheard of never in the Olympics games. Have we seen anyone in Tamp the Impossible? One of the most difficult pastries to make are Greek baklava. And back to Toggy Johnson. He's rolling up, he's rolling up, he's rolling up his cinnamon buns. He's rolling him up. He's flashed them in the microwave oven.

Listen to the crowd. Oh my God, he's flashed cooked them. There they go. They're rooting him on. The microwave oven is counting down. It's to five, four, three, two, one. There's the bell. Oh, my God, he's pulling them out of the oven.

Look at those cinnamon buns. And what's he doing? Toggy Jots from New Zealand. What's he doing? He's putting them on the side of his head. He's got a cinnamon bun covering each ear. He's gone Princess Leia here at the 2012 Olympics. What a showman.

What an incredible showman. That's why he's a champion. Ladies and gentlemen, as he turns around and waves to the crowd, they are holding up banners that say, may the force be with you. The New Zealand flag, may the force be with you. There's people doing wookie calls in the bleachers. Unbelievable showmanship here. That could be the one to beat, but let's get back to Trudy.

Trudy from the facts of life. She's making her apple turnovers now right beside her raspberry. turnovers but the apple turnovers are bigger they're much bigger they could come in at a record weight they look to be at least 12 pounds i've never seen a turnover quite so big and togging johnson he's pulling his beclav out of the oven meat dripping out of the end it's just pouring out of the end he might be using too much meat which could be illegal here at these olympics and could be caused for a disqualification. Danny Bermuda! What is Danny Bermuda from Bermuda has pulled a bag out from under the table. We don't know what's in it. What is he doing? This could be the surprise that we've all been

waiting for. We've heard he's an unorthodox pastry chef. He's dumping the bag on the table. What is it? It looks like pork rinds. Wait a minute, he's holding him up. It's a set. It's a set of old ladies fallopian tubes ladies and gentlemen daddy bermuda has brought out some fallopian tubes he's rolling them in pastry he's rolling them in icing sugar he's drizzling them with a chocolate syrup he's zigzagging icing across the wait a minute what's having truity from facts of life is drooling she looks like coo joe from the steven king movie of the same name what she doing her mouth is dropped open. She's just swallowed four of her turnovers. She's going for the Toggy Johnson's cinnamon ears. Oh, she's ripped one of his cinnamon earmuffs off. She's eating it. She's going in for

the fallopian tube and she's got the Baclava. Trudy from backs of life. Listen to this crowd. They're egging her on and she starts eating, eating all the other athletes, baked goods. It looks like this. Judges are waving down. It looks like Trudy, Trudy from the facts of life, has won the gold medal here at the bake-off contest. It's unbelievable. No one saw it coming. She's consumed all the fresh baked goods. Ladies and gentlemen, what a startling turn of events.

What an exciting turn of events. This is one for the record. Excuse me, this is one for the record books. I'm almost out of breath. This is Holland Williams, Trudy from the United States of America from Facts of Life, taking the gold. This is Charles Paisley. Back to you at the Holland Highway, Holland Williams. Come on.

You're kidding me, right? Baked goods? Freaking baked goods and Trudy from the Facts of Life? Come on, turn it on. Get out of there. What is going on today, Roger? This is the dumbest show. Cowalas. The Olympics are over, man.

I don't know what's going on over there in the UK. That's the last of the... We're not going back. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Don't throw your back out. Princess Leia on her ears? Diculous. Something stinks about that. And speaking of something stinking, how about this? How many of you have the pine tree air freshener deals hanging in your car from the rearview mirror? How many you have that, that little deal? I think when they were initially made,

it was a shape of a pine tree and it smelled like pine. Okay, fair enough. One plus one equals two. Pine tree shape. Pine tree smell equals pine tree. Okay? So I'm at the car wash the other day. I'm waiting for my truck to go motor and through.

And I'm standing in that they have like a little like gift shop. at the car wash, because, you know, when I think about Christmas or a birthday, I want to make sure that I pick up some wonderful items from the car wash gift shop. Merry Christmas, sweetheart, a shammy. Merry Christmas, kids, a coffee cup holder for your van when you get your driver's license in nine years. Happy birthday, a bumper sticker with a picture of the Tasmanian devil on it. Happy birthday, some mud flaps. But the thing that really caught me is they had the pine tree air freshener deal, okay?

But man, is this thing evolved? I mean, it's not just one pine tree anymore. Now there's a whole like overblown, overpopulated, out-controlled jungle. I mean, someone needs to get a lumberjack into the smelly forest and start cutting because check out some of the fragrances, some of the trees they have now, and they're still shaped like pine trees. Okay, here's a pine tree. Peachy peach was one of the scents. Did you want to be riding in a guy's car that smells like peachy peach? So where are we going?

Why don't you just let me out right now? Well, there's a steam bath down the road. I could let you out in front of the steam bath. You know, let me out right now. Just breathe in and relax. What is that? Peachy peach? That's right.

Okay, take me to the steam bath. Excellent. There's one called Black Forest. You know, that's a geographic place in southern Germany. Right near the border of Switzerland, the Black Forest. How is it suddenly, your car smells like the black forest? Hold on, well, I get my rifle. We go hunting for boars.

Boars and reindeer in your back seat. We go through the trunk and we shoot a wild boar in the black forest. And then we have some strudel. The hell? Ocean mist is now a scent. Do you want to get in some guy's car that smells like? like seaweed and seagull shit. Beh!

Beh! Be! Oh! Hey, man. Can you give me a lift to the store? Yeah, sure, dude. Just put your bathing suit on and let's go.

It's for a job interview? That's okay, man. Just, you know, throw on your swim trunks and jump in. I think I'll walk. Lively Lemon? What the? Maybe if you're a car. Car's a lemon.

Dude, how come your car only has three wheels? It's a lemon. Yeah, it's a lively lemon, dude. How about night sky? Who's driving a car that smells like night sky, like a purve, a peeping tom? Some guy lurking around. What does night sky smell like?

Have you ever gone out at night? Oh, God, smell that night. Is that night sky I smell? Oh, I take in, smell the stars. Can you smell those? Oh, what, who, smell that owl. Oh, just a blend of stars, an owl, and blackness. Oh, I love me some night sky stink.

Jasmine. I don't even know what Jasmine in. Is that a spice? Is that a color? Is that one of the ingredients in Kentucky for? fried chicken. I'm going to go right by Jasmine. Leather? They have the smell of leather?

I don't know, man. Do you want your cars smelling like an IKEA couch? I don't think I want leather. Hey man, your car smells great. Was Freddie Mercury in here with his leather pants? Yeah, he was in the back seat.

Making love to Jim Morrison right through his leather pants. Oh, I got to get out. How about cotton candy? What's that one? Some guy driving around in his rape van? Hey, come on in, girls. Come on in, come on in.

It smells great in here like cotton candy. Can I drive you to the mall girls? Creepy. How about cotton creepy, dude? Whose car smells like cotton candy? Who uses that circus clowns? Driving around with their great big shoes on their feet? Watermelon?

I don't want to drive around all day smelling like a summer fruit. White water. What am I driving a dinghy to work? Yeah, jump in. Watch out for that rock. Some guy driving a dinghy with an outboard motor down the highway. Oh, smell that white water. Coconut?

Y'am, let me give you a ride, ma'an. I got the coconut. Black ice? What the hell? Black ice is a driver's worst enemy. I don't know if any of you drive in winter conditions, but black ice is like ice that you can't see. It's a thin sheet of ice that blends in with the black color of the road, of the asphalt.

And you can be driving along. and all of a sudden you don't see the ice and you just flip tits over Thursday. You're dead, man. Yeah, I want my car to smell like death. I've been driving a long time. A lot of my friends have hit black ice and died, not me. I'm hoping it happens soon.

All I ever dream of is black ice. Smell it, it's all through my car. Stick your nose right in the car seat. shove your face in the glove box that's right black ice we're all gonna die and here's the word

this is the last one this is the worst one of all new car scent okay if you if you have a new car it's already going to smell like new car scent so you've got about a month or two before that scent goes away and then guess what you've got an old car who are you trying to trick

Some guy pulls up in his, you know, 1974 Gremlin. Rust hanging off it. The dashboard's all cracked from sun damage. The handles aren't even power to roll down the windows and they're yellow from people touching them. There's an eight-track cassette player in the dashboard. You get in?

Oh, my God, Jim. When did you get in? new car um you know just not too long ago god i i never would have known i mean look at this thing is this like is this like a retro car did that oh god this this has got to be what right off the lot well you know like i said i got a little while ago well you i don't know what you've done but this is brand new yeah brand new nineteen seventy two gremlin wow um can Could you have some wood I could put over that hole on the floorboard, Jim? Oh, that comes with it.

I paid extra for that feature. That's all new. It's like a convertible, but it's like on the bottom instead of the roof. Oh, I should have known. This car's so new. I didn't even know about features like that. Awesome, dude. What are you doing?

Just getting high off your new car stink. So anyways, there you go, man. Bizarre world of car scents. You know, the only car scent I want is like drive-through. That should be the one they make. Your car smells like fries and cheeseburgers and shakes. There you go. I just invented a new car scent. Somebody go out and make a trillion dollars off my idea.

That's from me to you. Drive-through car scent. Okay? The only thing I'm going to charge you is if you make a billion dollars or a million dollars off of it, you have to take me to a drive-thru, and it's on you. You have to buy me one round of drive-thru. My choice. I get to pick. Okay? I know it stinks, but that's the price of making a stink. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Oh, cheeseburgers, barbecues, swimming pools, fishing, water skiing, parasailing, campfires, tents. Oh, summer's almost over. All that beach party music.

Time to shut it down. Do you get sad? I mean, I don't want to belaguer the point. I don't want to put it in the forefront of your mind, but we've got about a week and a half left until it's September. Are you sad? Do you get bummed? I don't like it because it always feels like, you know, when summer comes to an end, it's like, okay, here we go.

Winter's coming. We all love the summer, man. I think we all slack off a bit. We take a little more time off work. we do things, we go places, and then it all builds up till next year. So this time of year, even though it's like, let's say in the middle of February or the middle of like July, someone said, hey, dude, you got two weeks off. Go do what you want.

And you'd be like in heaven. You'd be like, oh, my God, two weeks, you know. But yet when you know you have two weeks left of summer, you get a little bit bummed. You're like, oh, man, it's ending. Well, here's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to bring you down. You've still got two weeks. So what I'm saying is use it, enjoy it.

Act like it's like someone gave you two weeks in the middle of the year when you aren't expecting it. And two weeks seems like an eternity. I think it's because it's summer and it's always warm and it's nice. You expect to have the downtime. You expect it to be great. But don't lose sight of what it is. it's still two weeks of greatness, two weeks of summer fun,

two weeks of fishing and bicycling and lawn bowling and sex under the stars. So crank up that bongo music again, get your bikinis out, and don't be one of these people that are premature. It's like, oh, you know what? It's almost September. It's September in like a week and a half.

You know, let's wrap. Let's pack it in. I know we have time to go on a little road trip we have time to go to the beach but you know it's getting close let's let's not deal let's not why would we uh-uh why wouldn't you use the time enjoy it a week and a half two weeks is an eternity uh summer ain't over gang uh you hear the bongo music get out and dance get out and do something crazy and i'm just trying to remind you you know don't shut it down before you have to there's a lot of time left to have a lot of fun enjoy the sun the warm weather the barbecuing if you were thinking of putting it away don't roll it all out keep it going man once it's officially september okay maybe you got an argument it's like on september for you you know what it's september it's

September and then all that cool stuff starts in September football and baseball and hockey and a lot of good stuff have but it ain't summer so keep keep it going use the week and a half this is just a friendly little reminder don't let the momentum stop and hopefully this ends up on a good beat for you maybe there's one thing this summer you didn't do yet you're Like, oh, God, you know, I was going to go fishing in that river, but I only have a week and a half, or I was going to go to Sandy's cottage with her and go snorkeling. Do it. You'll be happy you did.

You should take your summer right up to the edge of the line. So, you know, if it's August, if it's August 31st, which is a Friday, you should still be done. doing what you want to do in summer mode right up to midnight. Don't let them short change you, man. So I'm just saying it's an attitude. It's an outlook. It's a vibe. It's a feeling.

Wear it. Throw it on like a coat. Make it your skin. And enjoy the rest of your summer, man. Oh. Now I'm going to go do my taxes and clean out the garage. What? Well, that's it.

I hope that advice inspired you a little bit because I think I've been guilty. We've all been guilty of winding down too quickly, but don't. Life is short and joy. Unfortunately, this podcast is short, though. I want to keep this going, but I can't. What? Someone's on the line? Who?

Ah, come on. Get them off, front. Cuala. Stupid. Fucking koala. Ah. All right. Roger.

Let me make some announcements real, real quick. Okay, so let's see. What do we got going here? If you're not doing anything this Tuesday, come on out to Burbank. Flappers Comedy Club. I'm going to be doing my improv sketch show with my comedian buddy, Sean Tweedley. It's at 8 o'clock, Flappers Comedy Club,

Burbank, California. We're going to have a blast. We take suggestions from the crowd. We improvise scenes. It's really a good time. So come on out if you can. And don't forget, my stand-up shows are going to start up again in September. Looks like my first gig will be in Houston, Texas on September 6th through

the 9th. I haven't been to Houston in about five years, I don't think, maybe longer, maybe 10. I love Houston. That's where we shot Rocket Man. And if you're around Houston, I'm going to be at the improv in Houston, Texas, September 6 through 9, all your friends. And then I'll be in Rally, North Carolina. I haven't been there for ages either. Rally, North Carolina, September 13 through 16. And then Calgary, Alberta, Canada,

the Blackfoot Inn, September 27th, 7 through 30. Just going to be a crazy month, man. So get it on. Don't forget to check us out, Harlem Williams.com. Check out the store. Harlan Williams at Twitter, Harlan Williams official Facebook page, all that stuff. And as I said, folks, enjoy the rest of your summer.

And until next time, chicken, chowmaine, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.