The Harland Highway - 427: GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in, listener messages too.

Episode Date: August 30, 2012

We get a call from George Michael from WHAM, using middle names, a Muppet has died, and phone calls from listeners. Turn over your burn rover!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Heaven really is a place called Earth. Or heaven is a place called the Harlan Highway. I like to, you know, I like to think of it that way. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I am he, Harlan Williams. And put your slippers on, tighten your seatbelts, twist your fallopian tubes, whatever you have to do. We got some fun stuff to go through here today.

middle names. Do you have a middle name? Huh? Do you ever use it? Does anyone use a middle name? Do we need middle names? I'm going to discuss. I'm going to discuss. Also, we're going to be taking some of your phone calls. I had a really nice crop of phone calls from people who were referencing a podcast we did a little while ago. I'm going to play their messages for you. We're going to be getting a call from George Michael from Wham. which I never like, and I don't know why he calls me. He sounds like he's drunk every time. So let's see how that goes. And also I'm going to talk to you about a Muppet that died and also how I got fired off my very first movie that starred the Muppets.

Unbelievable. It's very revealing, very crazy. It's all right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Holy cornflakes, Batman. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway. It is I. And, you know, this is kind of fun. This is part of the fun of doing this podcast and sharing stuff with you guys. a few podcasts back

podcast 415 I laid down a clip from a show that I did I was asked by some people in Hollywood to go down to the improv and they had a storytelling night and they asked me to go up on stage and don't do your stand-up

don't tell your jokes don't do any of your pre-planned stuff We're going to give you a topic, and we want you to tell a story about, you know, whatever pertain to that story. So the topic was, you know, the drunkest you've ever been or one of the drunkest times you've ever had. And as I said on podcast 415, I'm like, this is out of my element. This isn't what I do. I don't sit down and tell stories. I'm, you know, you know what I do up on stage.

So I was like screw it It's a challenge I'm gonna go for it And so I went up And it was kind of risky But I like taking risks As you know Look at my face

I don't know what that meant Stop being mean to yourself Harlan I'm sorry Okay So anyhow I recorded the event Just because I wanted to hear What it sounded like

Because I'd never done this before And you know what What the hell I don't know if this is good or bad or funny or stupid or lame. But, you know, it's going on the Harland Highway. I'm going to share it with my listeners. And you know what happened?

I got some really good feedback from you guys, which surprised me. I didn't think you guys would be excited about it or I didn't even know if you'd like it or whatnot. And that made me happy because, you know, The reason I do this show is to hopefully make you guys happy, give you a laugh. And some of the phone calls I got were people sounded quite excited and were supportive. And that put a smile on my face knowing that I made you laugh.

So let's stop blabbering. And I want to share some of these phone calls with you. And by the way, thank you, everybody, for phoning in and sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate the support. and you know what, maybe I will do it again. You guys egg me on a little and I think I'll try it again. So if you didn't hear the original podcast, go back to episode 415 and you can catch it there. But meanwhile, let's play some messages from you guys.

And thanks again for your kind phone calls. Fire Lodge! I wanted to tell you that story was absolutely genius. I totally enjoyed it. You tell a great story, and I want to hear more of those, because I tell you, it was the speed of the mind. I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing in my mind.

Just keep up the great work, man. I love the story. I laughed my ass off. I'm going to listen to it again. Now, thank you. This is Jeff from New Jersey. Have a good one, Matt. Hey, Roland. I was just listening into your latest podcast. You had told a story at some event that someone had invited you to to tell you a story about you and the drunk of time that you ever have. And you're talking about you're out of your element and everything. But honestly, I think that when you tell stories, you're funny no matter what, I think really. Like, you can see.

say almost nothing and it's just hilarious I don't know how I mean I could say to say some of the same things that you say to my friends and then tell them I heard it from you and it's just doesn't come up the same I just think you're great telling stories you're great at comedy I love you to death plan I tell everybody about you listening to the Harlem Highway what the hell's wrong with you just listen to the Harlem Highway And, yeah, I mean, I love the freaking show you had, bro. It was freaking hilarious. I mean, you're just sitting there telling a damn story, and it's freaking funny, man.

So, I don't know, just keep doing wherever you're going, man. And, yeah, I will catch you on the Harla Highway. I'm sure I'll be bugging you again, buddy. But anyways, take care of, man. See you later. Ireland, just got done listening to your Firelarge story. And, man, I was cracking up so bad. I was crying.

That's great. I love that. You've got to do more of that kind of storytelling. It was incredibly funny, man. I hope to hear it again. Thanks, Arnold. Bye. Oh, see?

Wasn't that nice? Wasn't that nice? Thank you for those kind calls. That is very encouraging when you do something new you haven't done before. you're always kind of waiting for the backlash you're like oh dude no don't don't do that that's not your strong suit no ooh ooh ooh dude oh oh oh step back player play you got step back you ain't got no fire player you got to step back player um so uh it warmed my heart to know you enjoyed that and because of your positive reaction i am going to try and do it again that's not a

question of if it's a question of when so uh next time i do it record it and uh hopefully it's you find it just as funny it might go into a tailspin i do not know um and speaking of funny do you have a middle name do you have a middle name do you need a middle name do you think it's funny to have a middle name why do we have middle name why do we have middle name names. I mean, maybe if you're a fancy-dancy actor like Sarah Jessica Parker or Philip Seymour Hoffman or William H. Macy. What's with the H part? That's his middle name. H? Yo, what's up, H? Yeah, I'm just over here hanging with Michael J. Fox. Oh, okay, man. H and J? Yeah, that's right.

but why do we have the middle name does anyone ever use it it's kind of annoying when you're filling out a customs form or a declaration form or something please state your three names first middle and last what do you need my middle name for has anyone ever called you your middle name you know if your name's john christian smith has anyone ever said hey christian you want to go down to uh pinkberry and get some um pomegranate flavored yogurt or what christian christian they don't phone you hey christian what's up man like i don't think anyone's ever called me by my middle name i mean what what is it a back backup name in case

uh someone doesn't like who you are anymore David Blake Walters I hate you Blake My name's David I'm not talking to David Okay, I'm pissed at David I'm talking to Blake right now

I'm I'm him No you're not, you're David I'm David Blake Walters Well I'm not talking to David David's in the doghouse I'm addressing Blake right now Thank you very much Blake Okay this is Blake

Well okay Now I want to talk to David Okay I'm David All right then give me Walters David Blake Walters I mean what the hell At the very least Maybe it's a backup for a fantasy

Maybe that was the idea But behind our middle names it's our fantasy role-playing name like let's say your girlfriend's like uh barbara um christina jackson okay and for 15 years you've called her barber during lovemaking but every time you want to get a little different or a little dirty or do something hey christina what's up yeah i put that little outfit out for you, Christina. Is that what it is? You get to whisper a different name in your lover's ear?

Oh, oh, Charles! Charles! Oh, give it to me, Charles! Ah, that's not my name. I know it's your middle name. Actually, my middle name's Ray. Oh, my bad, sorry. I mean, it just gets messy and confusing. It just kind of uses up space.

Do we need it? I think if you're very rich and debonair, maybe, and your name's like, Charleston Cartwright, Eleanor Fregnog the Fifth, or something, you know. Then you have like seven names. Presenting Lord Carl Walden, Baxter, We will not begging forth the 23rd. Yeah, you can just call me Larry, if you don't mind.

Oh, oh, ha, ha, so I don't know. Can we just go right down to our regular names and not carry around this extra burden, this extra weight? I don't understand it. It's like adding an extra number to your phone number. Yeah, I'm at 310559-2745. Eight. Excuse me?

Eight, right at the end. Well, that's an extra digit. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, well, that's too bad. You gotta deal with that shit, okay? So eight, you're telling me. Yeah, that's right, eight. Okay, so think of it's like my middle name.

Well, what is your middle name? Up yours? Okay, I've got to go. So anyway. something to think about I don't know I don't know the mysteries of names but kind of a goofy one

right there right Sarah Barbara Karen Danielle Margaret Linda Linda Linda

Katie Katie Katie Katie Griselda Griselda What we've got here is Failure to communicate. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, on to another topic. I guess we were talking about the the Olympics or not the Olympics, the election. What? Who's calling? Arland, there's someone on line size.

Oh, my God. No, I don't want to talk to him. No, hang up on him. He's not. I don't want to talk to it. Hello, Arlen. Oh, God. What's the matter,

Oh, and it's me, going from the United Kingdom of Britain. The United Kingdom of Britain? That's right, Holland. I heard you mention the Olympics, Ireland. Well, I said the Olympics by mistake. I meant the presidential race. Well, I heard you say the Olympics, Ireland,

so I thought I'd call and talk about the Olympic experience, Ireland. All right, I don't really want to do this. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Can you call back some other time, George? It's George Michael, all right? Let's get his spotting cleared up right out of the gate. If I'm going to be on the fucking telly with you, all right? I'm not going to fucking tolerate.

You calling me ask me fucking name, right? That's like me calling you R or maybe just the last part, land. How would you like me to call you land? All right, I get it, George. It's George, Michael. You just did it again, you're fucking whack-wit. I'm not a whack-wit. Yeah, well, you're fucking wakwit to me.

Now, say my old fucking name, and I was. I hear it right, fight now, and I'll hang up. Really? You'll hang up if I don't say your name right? That's right. I've got to sneeze on it. What are you doing? Hold on, I got a sneeze on. What are you doing? It doesn't sound like you're sneezing. What is he doing?

It's one of those sneezes all, and it started to come, but then it wouldn't come. It was just got it hanging right there. What are you phoning me for, George Michael? Well, thank you very much, Charlie Pennywickle. You got me fucking name all right then, eh? All fucking two words. Really odd for you to put two funny words together. Can you stop swearing, please, on my show?

Oh, what? You can't talk like an ad. I can't handle a little fottie swear word, like a grown adult. I can't handle a swear word, but I'm doing a podcast, and I don't like to use foul language for my listeners. Is that a problem? Oh, look at you, eh, little peri, periwinkle. Who is peri, Perry, Perry Winkle? I guess that would be you, eh, Arland, prancing about in your little Perrywinkle costume?

What is a periwinkle costume, George? It's George Michael, you frying side salad, a fucking Sri Lankan shit, you fuck. Okay, you know what? I'm hanging up. The Olympics was a fucking riot, all right? They made me sing at the closing ceremony, and I had a riot. Well, okay, great. You sang at the ceremony.

The Olympics is done. Who cares? Oh, just because it wasn't elderly. you're not at America. I beg your pardon? Just because London got the Olympic Games and you didn't get any of it in the United States. What are you saying? They didn't have any Olympic games in the United States of America.

Oh, look at you finally taking the fucking wax paper out of your ears, eh? Stop swearing. Fuck your pussy. All right. Hang up on. I don't know, Roger. Oh, Alan, listen, I want to talk about my Olympic experience. I didn't invite this.

It's all right. I want to tell people that we had a lovely Olympics and the United Kingdom won so many gold medals, Arlen. So many gold. Do you ever have a metal around your neck, Arlen? A what? You ever have a metal about your neck? A metal around my neck? That's what I said.

A metal about your neck. that? No, I haven't. Well, I sure have. I'll tell you that much, Arlen. What does that mean? Oh, you know what it means, Arlen? I've had a couple of metals around me, Nack. I'll let you take it as any way you like to, but I've had quite a few metals around me, Nack, Arlen. All right, I don't like your tone. What, that I had a bunch of metals around me, Nack, Arlen. I? A couple of metals around me now. I'd be a bronze metal around me, that had a gold metal around me now.

Even had I got all with silver metals around me now, Arland. All right. Hang up. You sound like a pervert. All right. Listen, Arland. If you ever get the Olympics in the United A of a matter again...

What? The United I can't understand you, Michael. It's George buying Michael. All right. straight, you fucking cream-puffed chocolate fucking donut with a fucking jumbo-sized fucking terriacchi fucking gildo on it. All right, get them off, Roger. Enough is enough.

I'm not finished, darling. You're done. Hang up. Hang up. Ollie, wait a minute. I won't talk about the Olympics. The Olympics are going to hang up, Roger. Hang up on that dumb ass.

I'm sorry, Harland. You know, sometimes I think you plan this, Roger. Are you doing this? You better be sorry. I said I was sorry. Idiot. Ah, yes. All greetings, it is I to count.

And it's time to answer that fascinating question. What is the Sesame Street number of the day? Let's count the bats and find out. Ah, that's one, one bat. Two, two bats. Three, three, three fabulous flyers. Ah, ah, ah, ah, wow. These half count, half dolphin.

Okay, so the reason I played that, sad news for all you fokey folks that grew up on Sesame Street and knew the count. You all knew the count. He counted everything. He was like a vampire. He had fangs. And he loved to count.

It looks like he's passed away, which is very sad. Well, let's just say the guy who did the voice of the count passed away, which is kind of weird because, you know, vampires are eternal. Vampires are immortals. They never die.

here's one that died. Ah, ah, no, I shouldn't laugh. I shouldn't laugh. Is that really a laugh? That laugh? I do stand-up comedy. Can you imagine if I, you know, I'm at the comedy club and I tell a joke? Three priests walk into a bar.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. I'd be like, excuse me? Ah, ah, ah. If that's how people laughed for real, I would not be in the comedy game. That would just drive me nuts. but um i mean poor guy poor count is dead and it must have been uh more of a curse more of a curse to have to count everything than you know to be a vampire i think i'd rather be cursed with

having eternal life and having to suck blood than be cursed as having to count everything i mean can you imagine going down in an elevator with that guy Just going down the floors, 11, 10, 9, 8, ah, ah, ah, 6, 5, ah, ah, you know. The guy could never go to, like, a shuttle launch, and we are lifting off in 10, 9, 8, ah, ah, 7, ah, 6, 5, 4, 3D1, ah, ah, right? I mean, the guy would just be horrible, horrible to be around, counting everything you did, and that goofy laugh. So rest in peace to the count.

And I don't know if you guys were Sesame Street watchers. I was never hugely into it myself. I liked some of the puppets. I liked some of the humor now and then. but I guess sometimes I thought it was almost a little too juvenile, and I don't mean like immature. I mean, sometimes I felt like the learning and, you know, the way it was designed to teach kids

was almost a bit too simple. I almost feel like it could have been a little more, but then again, I'm not a teacher. I'm not a child psychologist. I'm not a children's educator, so what do I know? They might have had the tone just right. And an interesting fact you may not know with my relationship to Sesame Street. This is kind of funny and sad and absurd in a way.

But way back in the day, they did a movie called Tickle Me Elmo. It was a Disney, it was a Sesame Street movie with the Elmo, tickle me Elmo being the star and this movie was called Adventures in Grouchland and for some reason the Henson Company cast me to be the villain in this movie and I guess the villain sings

and does a bunch of Broadway musical type stuff and so you know without even auditioning they just said hey you're our guy You're our villain, you're our, you know, whatever. And I'm like, okay, cool, that sounds fun. So I fly to New York, and they rent some crazy, like, sound recording studio where the Stones have recorded and you two and all this. And the other person in the movie is Vanessa Williams, you know, the talented actress and singer.

I think she's won an Oscar for her singing. And all of a sudden, me and Vanessa Williams are in their, recording songs for the movie because they want to lay down the songs and then just kind of have us lip sync to our own songs and I go in there and I'm no singer I'm no professional singer and the director's like in there and I'm like trying to record three or four songs and I can see him getting frustrated and why don't you hit the note and you know they're playing the music on a music bed and I'm supposed to like sink everything on. up and it was very difficult it was whoever composed the songs i think over did it in my opinion

like the songs were for kids so they should have been very linear just like ring around the rosy a pocketful a pose you know that type like very uh easy to follow but i guess this guy who composed the songs for uh Elmo and grouchland thought he was like laying down a uh you know some kind of opera or something or some kind of intricate Broadway play and the meter of the songs went all over the place. They're like flowers. Do you like flowers? Do you like flowers? I don't want flowers. But I need some flowers. Everyone loves the flowers.

I don't want flowers. I don't want flowers. I love flowers. You get what I mean? It just went up and down and all over the place. And here's me. You know, Captain Chuckles. I'm in this expensive recording. studio with the headphones on singing into a mic and you know cut to take 943 in the door yeah i think i think you're getting close there harland and it's the only movie i've ever been like fired off of like you know we we uh we recorded the songs and then uh the next day they made me go to the henson studios and i had to improvise with like the guy who does the voice from

tickle me Elmo and I had to improvise with a bunch of their puppeteers and and uh jim henson's kid the guy who runs the henson company now i forget his first name but he stood there like just stood there and goes okay improvise let me see improvise with the puppets and it was really kind of unnerving and i'm a guy that doesn't get unnerved that easily right because i'm always up in front of live crowds and and this guy was just kind of standing there if it felt very judgment mental and kind of clearing at me. Proved to me you're funny, man. Proved to me you can improv.

Prove to me you can sing. And I'm like, dude, you hired me, okay? You guys hired me. You could have made me audition. You could have made me compete with other people. You just handed me the part. So why are you grilling me now? And I had no problem with the improv part, but apparently he didn't like it.

And they didn't like the singing. So I got my ass handed to me out the door. It was like day three, they're like, yeah, don't bother coming back. And I'm like, what? Yeah, don't come back to the studio. Don't, yeah, no, it's done. It's not going to happen. I was like, am I fired?

Like, yeah, you're fired from, you're fired from Sesame Street, dude. Your, Elmo doesn't like you. Elmo is not tickled by you. Now, the only upside to this story is they still had to pay me, and, uh, well, let me try and recount the paycheck. Um, $100,000.50. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, $160,000. Oh, ah, uh. So, you know, I counted my way to the bank, even though they fired my ass. That's the beauty of it. Once they hire you, they want to get rid of you. They got to pay you. so uh you know it looks like uh i didn't do too badly but uh rest in peace the count from sesame street let go ahead lower them into the ground huh how many feet down i don't know how about one feet down two feet down 12 feet down into the ground ah ah ah ah ah ah ah oh oh Ah, yes, no hard feelings.

I always say pick the right person for the job. And if I wasn't it, then so be it. But nonetheless, I think I am the right person for the job here at the Harlan Highway. I think, I hope they don't hand me my ass in a basket one day. But you never know. Maybe if I have to sing one day on the show, I'll be hoofed off. But, you know, all good things come to an end.

And that's applicable right now. We're at the end of the show. We're at the end of the podcast, baby. So let me make a few quick announcements. Don't forget September 6th through 9th. You can catch yours, Julie, at the improv in Houston, Texas. Oh, my God. I love Texas.

I love Houston. We shot Rocket Man. there one of my favorite movies uh so check that out and then uh september 13th through 16th i will be in rally north carolina at charlie goodnights and then later in september uh the 27th to the 29th i'll be in calgary alberta canada going home uh i'll be at the blackfoot in they have a great comedy club in there be sure to uh go online and reserve your seat because they've been on fast, my friends. And check out

Harlan Williams.com. I'm on Twitter at Harlan Williams, the Harlem Williams official Facebook page, all that jazz, all that funky jazz. You can find me down on Harlan Street, and that's why I was

fired. I can't sing. Um, three, four. So that's it, folks. I hope you had a groovy time. Thank you for being here. George Michael up yours. And until next time, chicken chalemain, baby.