The Harland Highway - 428: BARACK OBAMA interview, Aumish attacks.

Episode Date: September 3, 2012

Charles Parsley interviews President Barack Obama on The Parsley Papers, TV snack and TV commercials, Let's talk about hair, and attacks on the Aumish people. Mighty metal metal detector!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dun, dun, done, da, na, na, na, and a start. Spread the news. Yes, spread the news. The Harland Highway is here. It's on the air. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome, one and all, which sounds very Christmassy, but it's always a gift to be here on the Harland Highway, isn't it? What? My name is Harlan Williams. I am your host, and thanks for being here. Love having you along, and today we are doing some incredible things, some great conversations, an incredible guest today. We're going to be talking about Amish people. There's been a rash of Amish attacks that are under investigation, some horrible, horrific attacks against the Amish. Wait till you hear about it.

We're going to be talking about snack time and TV time. and how to marry the two together and how it can all go very wrong. We're also going to be going to the Parsley Papers. Charles Parsley is interviewing the President of the United States Barack Obama today on the Parsley papers where he does not hold back with his questioning. He's going to be riveting. And then lastly, let's talk about something we all have, or most of us do, hair, right here on the hairy Harland.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here?

Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Mm-hmm.

That's it. Let's see if I can find something to watch on TV. Flip around. Oh, wait. Yes, no. Oh, there it is. There it is. That's the show I want to watch. Oh, my God. How many of you watch like live TV anymore?

I know most, I think we've become a DVR world where we all just DVR digitally record our shows and we whip through the commercials and we scan through the parts we don't like, that type of thing. but how about in the odd and ever rare event that you want to watch a show live? Okay, you just happen to be home at the time that it's going to be on and you've got the time clear and you want to watch it and, or maybe it's even the news. Maybe you want to sit down and catch the latest news story, right? So you go, man, I'm going to watch this. It's on in five minutes. up some dinner, I'm going to whip up something to eat, I'm going to sit down and have a little snack while I watch my show, you know, and you make some spaghetti, or you whip up a sandwich,

or you make some pancakes, or, you know, whatever you prepare, a sandwich, scramble eggs, who knows what you're making. And you got it all perfect, the bacon's still sizzling, and there's steam coming off your food, and you've poured yourself a drink and you got your plate out on your little coffee table and your knife and fork, you got the ketchup and the salt and pepper, and you put everything together,

and you turn on the TV, and the first thing you hear is, and we'll be right back just after these messages. And you're like, wait a minute. So the second you sat down to enjoy two things, two sensory things, one orally, your food in your mouth, and then two visually and audibly, you know, to watch and hear your favorite show. And all of a sudden you got this steaming plate of deliciousness.

And instead of eating it to your show, you're eating it to like a, you know, a diabetes commercial where some guy's pricking his finger or you're, you're eating it to a diarrhea commercial or you're eating your food to, you know, those little green guys that are made out of phleg or you're eating it to a, you know, a car dealership commercial and you're like, come on, man. Come, are you serious? And let's face it, commercials, when you get into the commercials, they play in blocks, right? So you're not getting one commercial. You're getting about three minutes worth of commercials, maybe four. And especially if you're watching cable news, they have the most horrible commercial.

They're like, my name is Doug, and I have mesophiliaoma. My lungs are bleeding right now, and there's glass in my spleen. And you're sitting there eating your food, and you're like, oh, no way, man. This chocolate Sunday would have been so good with an episode. of CSI or a movie that I was open to watch or, you know, my favorite news show, my Wolf Blitzer. And it's ruined. Now you're eating the crappy commercials.

Like the TV might as well not be on. You might as well have just gone and sat down with nothing. And just, oh, well, let me eat my dinner or eat my snack. You know, I'm just sitting in your house. all alone. Because here's what I do when that happens. I'm like, oh, crap. So I mute the TV.

And I can't fast forward because it's live TV, right? So I'm just sitting there in the quiet. And, you know, let's face it, when you've got one little plate of food, let's say you've got a plate of scrambled eggs or a sandwich, four minutes is a lot of time. I mean, you can pretty much pack away your whatever you're eating in about four minutes. If it's half a sandwich or a pancake or something, it's gone. And then there you go.

The second the commercials are over, the second your show comes back on, and we're back, and your food's gone. Your plate's empty. And I'm like, damn it! Oh! So, you know, I hope that doesn't happen to you. It's such a pet peeve.

Make me so upset. I'm going on a food strike. I'm not going to eat. I'm not going to eat for the rest of my life. Thanks, TV. I'm never eating again. And I'm going to do a commercial for never eating again. Hi, I'm Harlan Williams. Do you have trouble having your meal interrupted by commercials? Well, this is a commercial for the Never Eat Again Info Care Cream. And if you send me Never Eat Again Care Cream money, I will send you

Whatever All right I'm going to go I'm going to throw to a commercial here And uh Go get a lobster Mom I've got to ask me something real personal

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Puzzly Papers, the exciting news chat show that dares to take on all comers. Politicians, sports figures, celebrities, and newsworthy people alike. So sit back, get ready to hear the questions that no one dares to ask on the Pazley Papers. to the Parsley Papers. Today we have an incredible guest, a wonderful guest. We've been trying to get this gentleman on the Pazley Papers for a very long time. He was apprehensive. He was very reserved about making an appearance here. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome with me the President of the United States, President Barack Obama. Welcome, Mr. President, and let's get right to the questioning. I know we've tried to get you on the Pazley papers on the

Harland Highway for quite a long time. You are apprehensive. Why, sir? This was a very difficult decision. We've heard through many media sources that you're afraid that being on the Harland Highway would diminish your power, that it would tarnish your image as a president. Obviously, it entailed enormous risk. And you've said in interviews, sir, that you've stayed away from the Harland Highway podcast because you thought the host, Harlan Williams, was possibly one of the dumbest people on planet Earth. Is that true, sir? Certainly one.

One of the dumbest people on the planet. And could you put it into some kind of perspective for us, Mr. President, about how dumb you think Harlan? Williams actually is? It's sobering. Would you go so far, Mr. President, as to say that Harland Williams is borderline mentally retarded? That we don't know yet. And have your young daughters listen to the

Harland Highway, Mr. President. And if not, or if so, how do you prepare them for it? You sit them down and you say what about Harlan Williams? How are we going to deal with him? Meaning what, Mr. President? I mean, there are a lot of moving parts here.

And if the children were to listen to the Harland Highway without your express permission, Mr. President. We've got problems. And if Harlan Williams is a problem, what do you do, Mr. President? Line him up in a predator drone and... Go ahead and take the shot. My goodness, sir, sounds a little drastic.

And for those that are fans of Mr. Hall and Williams, Mr. President, what do you say to them? Are you in fear of losing... their votes, if you would be confronted by Holland Highway pavement pounders, what do you say about Harland Williams? The best of the best. That sounds a little flip-floppy, Mr. President. Holland has asked if he could have me read you a question that he has texted

me on my iPhone. Let's go ahead. He would like to know if you would pull out your presidential testicles and show them to me, Charles Parsley. That's a tough decision. We need an answer, Mr. President. Can you reach into the presidential boxers and pull out your presidential plums? Can I get them out?

Yes, sir. Please pull them out. Um... My goodness, giant Christmas crumbled plums. I'm Charles Parsley. Thank you, Mr. President, for being here today. These are the Pazley Papers. Hey, everybody.

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August 1st. Wow. I can't believe he did it. I can't believe Charles Parsley got the president to drop his plums. Unbelievable. I kind of, you know, texted him that question as a good. goof. I didn't think he'd really ask the, you know, the president of the United States to pull out his plums and drop him on the table. But, man, hats off to Charles Parsley. What an interview.

Holy smokes. You might think dumb thing to do. But let's face it, folks, the world is full of dumb. The world is full of dumb. Did you hear about this story? This cracked me up. And I'm not really worried about any backlash from saying this cracked me up Because this story is about the Amish and they don't really use electricity And I don't think they're on the internet I certainly don't think Amish guys are listening to podcasts So I'm going to laugh Here's the headline trial in Amish haircutting attacks

Begins in Ohio Okay so it turns out I'm going to read you the story That's what I'm going to say. Here's the story. And try not to laugh because you're laughing at other people. Cleveland, federal prosecutors say a breakaway Amish group spent months planning hair-cutting attacks against followers of their faith in Ohio. Oh, my God.

Now, here's the thing about the Amish religion or whatever it is. I'm pretty naive about the Amish. I think most of us are because they're kind of a secretive, kind of tucked away sect of society. And I don't begrudge them. I don't wish the mill well. Good for them. I think it's cool that they live off the land in this day and age

when the rest of us are so dependent on technology and all the trappings of modern society. So hats off to them, but once you do take their hats off, they have the craziest haircuts, I mean, by the rest of society's standards, they've still got that Quaker Oats haircut. You ever get Quaker Oats and they got that logo of the old guy,

the Quaker Oats guy, and it looks like an elongated bowl cut. Okay, the bangs are cut straight across, but that the hair's long, usually long down to the, you know, the tip of the shoulder. or just to the base of your neckline. And I got to say, it's not a complimentary look. I'm sorry. Look, I ain't no stylist here, gang.

But the Amish hairdo for men is a little, I don't know. It's a little kooky-looking, in my opinion. No offense, again, if you're Amish, but I'm just being honest. Okay. It looks like Prince Valiant or Lord Fortnoid Or it looks It actually looks like someone held you down And attacked your head with a pair of scissors

So I guess there was a bunch of Amish people Or kids that broke away from the Amish world And I guess there's a way of showing their discontentment Or their bitterness or whatever They planned in some deep dark basis somewhere with charts and videos and, you know, little books. They planned a revolution wherein they were going to go back into the Amish community and attack the Amish and hold them down and cut their hair and trim their beards.

And here's some more of the story. The government on Tuesday began laying out its case against 16 Amish men and women charged with hate crimes in the hair and beard-cutting attacks last fall. So I guess it's a hate crime. What if they're just trying to improve the Amish people's odds, improve the Amish people's lifestyle? Isn't it maybe a love crime? It's like, Your Honor, I was just trying to give this guy a good hairstyle

so he could get laid, okay? If anything, I should be charging him. He should be thanking me, Your Honor. I mean, look how quaffty is now. He's no more Quaker Oats. He's got like, you know, I put frosted tips in his hair. It's spiked. It's gelled.

It's really holding. It's full-bodied. It's fructus. They used fructus products. But at any rate, the hair cuttings, the violating hair cuttings, are considered deeply offensive in Amish culture. Well, I guess so. That's like if in Jewish culture,

someone ripped your yarmulka off and stomped on it, or in Catholic culture, they took your crucifix and hung it upside down on the wall. You just don't do it. So with the Amish, it's like, hey, man, don't mess with my hair. Don't touch my hair, dude. Get your hands off my hair. The prosecutors presented a photo to jurors in Cleveland

and said it showed one suspect holding an Amish bishop on the night some defendants broke into his house and cut his beard. They said it was motivated by religious disagreements between Amish bishops and a breakaway group. It's just kind of weird, okay? imagine like planning a break in right dude let's go in the house uh the safe is behind the picture hanging on the wall in the library the picture of the the uh the mountains and the birds flying

and uh i got the combo from the cleaning lady and uh you know we're gonna use formaldehyde and we're gonna uh we're gonna we're gonna um we're gonna knock out the owner of the house while we rob is safe. No. It's like, okay, dude, you got the scissors? Yeah. You got the electric clippers? Yeah. You got the shaver? Yeah. You got the spring vegetables?

Yeah, we don't go anywhere without the spring vegetables. And off they go. They break into someone. A B&E. Break and enter. To cut a guy's hair and beard. I mean this is this is like grooming this is like a legal grooming this is uh

this is quaffing at its worst this is a home makeover and it's worse I mean what's next people breaking into your home and plucking your eyebrows shaving your nose hairs putting you in a new worst Your wardrobe, styling your hair, doing your makeup, doing your nails.

Imagine that. You go to bed all ragged and your hair tots. You've been sitting on the couch eating cheese pops. You're like, I'm on to bed. You flop into bed. You wake up in the morning. You look in the mirror and you're like, bring. You look like a 10 out of 10.

Someone broke into your house and gave you a makeover. Wow. well hey my sympathies to the uh to the amish people that got attacked and trimmed i mean there's worse worse things could happen you when you get attacked believe me um but uh you know maybe uh maybe it's for the better i don't know i can't tell people how to live their religion but uh everything changes everything gets updated everything moves everything shifts and who knows, maybe the Amish now look like David Beckham. Maybe that's the new look.

What if every member of the Amish community had to have like a David Beckham hairdo, the spiked and the gelled and the frosted and can you imagine all the girls showing up? Daddy, can we go to the farm area again? What the hell for? Because I like looking at the horsey. Yeah, right.

All the studs with their David Beckham hair out in the field, harvesting the summer vegetables. Yeah, nice. So anyways, if you're Amish and you're listening, lock your doors, hide your scissors, and for God's sakes, put the hair gel in the basement. Oh, hair. Good Lord. We all have it.

We all have hair. And what an industry it is. What a trillion billion-billion-dollar industry it is. I mean, think of all the products that circulate around your hair. Okay, your gels, your shampoos, your mooses, your brushes, your combs, your hair dryers, your conditioners, your curling, ironers, your curlers. I mean, it's just your hair straighteners, your crimpers. I love to crimp my hair.

I know it's, and I know it's very 80s, but I crimp my hair every morning. Yeah, it's all wavy. It looks like sheets of, like, lasagna noodles. That's how I roll. When I strut through a nightclub, ladies are like, who's the crimper? Oh, Christ, I go.

Let's go talk. to the crimper. Look at his acid-washed jeans. Oh, my God. Let's go talk to the crimper. Oh, my God. He's so sexy. Oh, look at those crimps.

Look at those girls. It's like he's wearing lasagna on his head. Oh, the crimp. But, you know, and then it doesn't stop there. People are very sensitive about their hair. Okay? So you've got this whole trillion-billion-billion-billion-dollar industry around your hair and then you've got all the management of your hair i mean i don't know if

you're one of these people that that wash their hair every day uh some people do it every day and style it and prep it and i mean you ever hear the breakdown of those statistics and we spend one quarter of our life sleeping we spend one third of our life watching tv how much of your life have you spent managing your hair. Think of that number. How many hours, if you could have all that time back where you stood in the mirror and blue-dry your hair and prepped your hair and fluffed your hair

and styled it so that every little hair was in perfect order? How many hours does that total? Probably like half your life. I mean, we really are a hair upset. best society. I mean, think of the old days, the cavemen days, or just like, oh, whatever. I'm going to go club a mammoth.

Oh, you're not clubbing a mammoth with that hair. You get back here and you style that hair, mister. Oh, I just want to go club a mammoth for breakfast. No, you're not going out in the forest with your hair all tangled. There's sticks and twigs and leaves. What were you sleeping on? What are you a caveman? Yes.

Oh, okay. Well, good luck. Go get a mammoth. And then there's hair plugs. I mean, going bald is a big sensitive area. I know a lot of guys who are very paranoid about going bald, losing their hair. And it's weird because I have a healthy head of hair, and I'm not that attached to it. Like, one of these guys, I don't care. Like, if I started going bald, I would just, like, get a cool, bald guy. um hairdo you know like bruce willis started going bald he's like oh screw it so he's got that kind of tightly cropped buzz cut where he's kind of mostly bald but he's got that cool stubble or that i think his name's geoffrey stratum or whatever the guy from snatch the british guy that does all the movies where he's you know the the car chase guy

Look, what you pike's want to do then Is not make fun of my hair Because I'll kick your ass You know the guy He's like a new action star He's got the short cropped hair But some of these guys I think you go to all this trouble

And use propitia And uh Rogaine Then they have holes drilled in their head And have hair plugs put in? Like whose hair is that? their own hair? Do they do a hair graft? Sir, we're going to have to take

some of the hair off your ass cheeks and drill it into your head. Are you okay with that? Sure. And well, we should probably tell you this. It's pubic hair, too. Oh, okay. Well, as long as it's hair, as long as I'm not bald.

Great. Pull down your pants, sir. But the worst is when guys are trying to hide that they're going bald. okay we all know a guy he's got that hair where it's just a little off it's like wait what what is that is that

is that glued down is that your head looks crooked what is that shiny spot under there that looks like it's been painted with spray paint why hasn't your hair moved for four hours and we're standing in a hurricane what what's going on with your head dude

and you know they're covering up some kind of baldness or it's like get over it man just work with what you got guys go look in the mirror go go sit with a hairstylist go go uh sit down with an umish uh hair attack squad and say look man i'm going bald just acknowledge it what what can we do with this what can we do with this to make me look cool and sometimes that might mean just flat out going bald Whoopi do. Going bald is a lot better looking than looking like you're going bald. Like being bald probably looks way better than like trying to use 12 hairs to make it look like you got a full head of hair. And what's weird is some women go bald.

I'm sure you've heard of this. Some women have issues where they go bald. That's where it gets a little iffy with me. I don't know that I don't know that I would. would dig a bald woman. And I think in that case, I would probably just take her to a carpet store and go, you know what? Find the thickest, deepest shag. I don't care if it's lemon, lime, green.

I don't care if it's tangerine orange. I don't care if it's brown, chocolate brown. You know, I don't care if it's psychedelic purple mixed in with, you know, lemon yellow. Just find some, like, four-inch shag carpet. Measure your head, and let's go get some glue and a staple gun. Suddenly you got a girlfriend that looks like a drugged out raggedy am. Okay? Let's see you tackle that one, Amish.

Oh, God. Well, anyways, I hope you're happy with your hair, and if you really want to have fun, go get a crimper like I do. Get out, get out, and get, let's bring crimping back. I'm bringing crimping back I'm breaking crimping back Come on now go with it I'm bringing crimping back

So anyways There you go folks Hair tips I can't believe we talk so much about hair today But what the hell It's just a topic and it took off on me But we'll be back with more topics More fun topics on our next podcast.

Thank you for tuning. Don't forget this weekend you can catch me in Houston at the Houston Improv. I'll be there Thursday, September 6th through the 9th. Get your tickets as soon as possible. It's going to be a blowout, man. And then the following weekend, I will be in North Carolina. Haven't been there forever. I'll be in Rally, North Carolina at Charlie Goodnight.

that'll be September 13th through the 16th. And then at the end of the month, you can catch me September 27th through the 30th in Calgary at the Blackfoot Inn, doing stand up there, great club up there. And that'll probably be it for the rest of the year. So you've got three chances left to see the kid. And don't forget to check out harloweems.com.

Go to our store, join our Facebook. Facebook page, the official Harlan Williams page, or at Harlan Williams for Twitter. And rock and roll, man. Keep checking out, Robot and Monster. My new series on Nickelodeon, it's on every weekend. Robot Monster. I do the voice of Monster. It's getting a great reaction, great response from viewers.

And I hope you get a chance to tune in and have some laughs. It's a really great show. But that's it, man. That is it. We are out of here. Thank you so much. And until next time, a big bowl of extra hairy chicken chau me, baby. Yeah, the motherboys don't know how to act.

Yeah. I'm thinking special what's behind your back. Yeah. So I'm turning around and I'll pick up the slide. Yeah. Take them to the free. Thank you.