The Harland Highway - 429: BIGFOOT is DEAD! Campfire Timmy sings camp songs.

Episode Date: September 6, 2012

Bigfoot has been killed, we discuss, Campfire Timmy drops by to sing summer campfire songs, and how much do you like surprises?? Crawl along your drawl!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, mama me. What a juicy, spicy a podcast we have today. Oh, that's a spicy a podcast. All right, it's maybe it's, you know, mildly spicy. No, who am I kidding? It's flaming hot. This is the Harland Highway. Come on, man.

I'm Harlan Williams, your host. And great to have you here on the highway today. I hope your day or night or evening or whatever you're doing is going great. Hopefully we can give you some chuckles today. We can give you some insight. We can give you some guidance in your misguided life. No. I'm sure you have it together.

You wouldn't be listening if you didn't have it together, but somebody didn't have it together. Wait till you hear what happened to Bigfoot. Okay, Sasquatch, Yeti, the abominable snowman. Not good. Not good. Wait, do you hear the song? story i have to tell about our old friend uh bigfoot um and how about your fridge

you ever you ever uh you ever been in your fridge do you like surprises do you like surprises in your fridge we're going to talk about that and then it's the end of summer and it looks like i have to have timmy the campfire kid in here again he has to sing some campfire songs before the summer comes officially to an end i wish he'd come to an end right here here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Wow. Are you driving? Are you driving and are you listening to the highway? Are you driving on the highway, listening to the highway?

Is that an oxymoron? I don't know. listening to the highway maybe you're just a moron i don't know oh excuse me excuse me sir why do i denigrate my own podcast um well here's the thing watch out that you don't run over a sauce squat i got to start the show with this story because it made me laugh out loud and cry out loud at the same time okay get the get this headline man killed trying to create sauce squat sighting Okay. Are you laughing yet? So this guy was apparently trying to provoke reports of a bigfoot sighting in northwestern Montana.

And, you know, he tried to put on a hoax by dressing up as a saucequatch. And he was hit by two cars and killed, okay? I mean, what the hell? How desperate for attention are you, man? so apparently this guy was wearing a military style it's called a gilly suit it's what the guys out in the you know the green berets wear it's like camouflage and uh and strips of fabric so you look basically you look like a clump of giant moss you look like kate moss before she puts her makeup on

these things are made of camouflage fabric and uh you know it makes it very hard to see a person wearing this type of outfit, right? So this guy standing in the right-hand land of a highway out in the middle of nowhere on some night, trying to pretend he's a saucequatch. Like I guess maybe his bridge club or his bowling league was off that night. Uh, dear, I guess I'll, uh, what do I do tonight? Uh, okay, I'll be a Sasquatch. Right?

So the guy standing out on the road, he gets hit by a car. He gets hit by a car, hits the pavement, and another car comes by and runs over the guy. I mean, that's how hard it was to see this guy. So they interviewed the guy's friends and family and all this. And yes, alcohol might have been a fact of that. they were saying. But apparently this guy, and this is a quote from

one of the friends, he was trying to make people think he was saucequatch, so people would call in a sauce squash sighting. What? What is wrong with you, dude? Or what was wrong with

you, dude? I mean, I got to be honest, I feel bad the guy's been killed, okay? Because I love a good prank. I actually like the idea of people perpetuating the Bigfoot myth. And to be honest, I've thought of this. But maybe this guy's been my foreshadow into how I might have been killed.

Maybe he's my clairvoyance showing me not to do this stunt. I've actually thought it would be fun to, like, get into an elaborate Bigfoot costume and just lumber across a road when traffic was coming and freak people out. But, you know, this probably teaches us that this isn't a good idea. But maybe he should have gone more like the gorilla costume. You know, something that looked like a big hairy bipedal ape, you know, like a giant hairy gorilla. The lumber across the road like an orangutan.

And maybe, look, look at what's that thing. What's that animal? Oh, my God, it's a big fight. But putting on the, the, uh, Green Beret military-style camouflage. Probably not the best choice for Bigfoot. I don't think Bigfoot's up in the woods wearing like camouflage khakis. I think Bigfoot's done a really good job of being elusive all these decades.

Has anyone really got any substantial, you know, proof on this guy that he exists? Does anyone have any DNA? Does anyone have any what you would consider real footage of this thing? So if he's out there, and apparently a million people have seen him, I think he's doing okay without having to, you know, put on any army camouflage. I mean, this is stuff that snipers use. And here's the kicker. Here's the scary part, man.

Apparently this guy was struck by a vehicle driven by two girls. ages 15 and 17 they were unable to stop in time i mean folks you don't get your license until you're 16 so this poor chick she's she's on the road with her 15 year old friend who doesn't even drive yet she's been on the road less than a year and she hits a big foot how many of you could say that talk about being traumatized uh i would not want to drive for the rest of life i don't think once you hit a big foot i think you're pretty much uh gonna gonna have a hire a hoot a chauffeur take cabs everywhere at that point yeah i can't come visit you i'm sorry i can't i just can't i know i know it's only 25 miles but i can't well i hit a big foot okay

when i was six 17 years old i ran over sausquatch yes i killed yetie i killed yetie i kill the legend of myth I'm sorry okay guilty is charged I ran over Bigfoot leave me alone I never want to see you again I'm not even taking the bus to your house now I mean

that's a heavy burden to wear man that's a heavy coat to wear oh yeah there's the chick that killed Bigfoot way to go way to go lady we finally got a chance to prove there were other of life mingling among us on this planet. You run over them in the middle of the night.

Sunday driver. God damn women drivers. Why don't you just go rent a speedboat in Scotland and chop the head off of the Loch Ness monster? Chick, drivers. I mean, how many you can say you've hit a mythical legend? Huh? Maybe I'm looking at.

at it the wrong way maybe those are some bragging rights right there you know she puts a profile up on uh on a dating site you know match dot com i like sailing i like swimming i'm a scorpio i killed the legendary bigfoot huh so maybe maybe she should have beheaded the thing and hung it over her mantle in her house. What the hell is that over your fireplace? Um, hello, Sosquatch. Ran over it with my Dodge Neon, okay?

Yeah, that's right. I killed Sothcotch. Well, could I vacuum it or something? It's very dusty. Go ahead. Um, so there you go. Hilarious story. It's just the things people do, man.

The things people do. And the guy didn't even really care that it was him. He just wanted the paper to print that there was a siting so he could say, oh, I was the guy. I was the guy that was in the suit. I was the siding. Well, then you've got to prove that. Because there's people out there that will go,

oh, yeah, right, you were the guy. You're the siding. No, they actually saw a bigfoot idiot. Okay, I don't try to take credit for these. He's like, no, really? I put on the thing and I ran across the road in the middle of the night. I had the camouflage. Yeah, right.

Nice try, dude. Saskwatch is real asshole. Step back. Step back, player. So there you go, folks. Be careful when you're out there driving. Put on your big snow tires and your big headlights and watch out for Bigfoot. So there you go.

What? Hold on. I've just been sent a little email here by Roger. What's this say? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I don't want campfire Timmy in here, dude. Wasn't he just in here recently?

I know it's summer. I know it's summer, okay? but summer's almost over. That's why they want them in here because summer's just, it's the last week of summer. Great. What do you mean, don't lose my temper? I know he's the son of one of the executives.

Oh, if I lose my temper, I'm going to get fired. Great. Where is the kid? Oh, God. Come on in, you freak. I mean, Timmy, come on in. Hi, how's it going? Oh, God.

What's the matter with you, Buggaloo? What are you doing here, kid? You know why I'm here. It's summertime. I come in and I do summer campfire songs. Yeah, if you can call them that. Oh, excuse me, diphtheria donnie? What, diphtheria donnie?

That's what I said. Do you even know what? Thuria is, kid? Yeah, it's when you're a dipshit, and you've got Theria. What do you want? What do you want here, kid? Oh, look at you checking your temper, huh? I guess you got a memo from my old man.

What do you want here? I told you I'm here to sing Campfire songs. All right, well, get to it, hurry up. What do you got? I've got three Campfire songs. Always the three, right? kid. That's right. You know the drill. Margin' ass. Don't call me margarine ass. Stop with the name calling. Oh, okay. Mushroom omelet. Fuck. And no swearing. What did that even mean?

Well, you ever take a mushroom omelette? Yeah. And you ever have a hot fuck? Get, stop it. What's a mushroom omelet fuck? Play your first song, kid. I think you're a little. I think you're raising your voice again kid get your guitar out and play your first song what's it about thank you very very very much it's called the fish are jumping that's it that's right that's what fish do they jump hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more

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your back out well they swim too oh thank you very much audubon just play your fish song kid thank you i've been trying blabbermouth play it say it nice play your song please Oh, where, oh, where do the fish jump? Where oh, where to the fish jump? Out there on the water. Out there on the water! Where do the fish jump? Look, there goes a fish right now!

Great song. I'm not finished. It sounded like you were finished. I'm not. Where do the fish jump? They jump up and down. Jumpy, jumping. Jump. Hopi, a beat...

Ah, be... Okay. Stop it. Would you not interrupt the ending? Oh, God. Okay, good. Thank you for your song. Should I clap? Excellent. Are you being sarcastic?

Is your voice cracking? Okay, just... All right, kid, relax. you relax cream of soup mushroom cream of soup tonsils can you do your second song please you know i will what's this one about uh butterflies flying how did you know oh god butterflies fly butterflies fly butterfly flap flap flap butterfly butterfly butterfly butterfly butterfly Butterfly, Flap, Flap, Flap, Flap. Everybody land on the flower.

Everybody lands on the flower! Everybody lands on a flower! Because we're all butterfly kids. Everybody land on a flower. We're all butterfly kids. That's the song. What camp did you go to? Camp Nugachuk retard a fuck?

What did you just say? Nothing, kid. I thought you said Camp Nugachuker retard a fuck. Did you have one more song or what, kid? Yes. Okay, can you just do it? What's this one called? Don't you?

Don't I what? That's the name of the song! That's it, just don't you? This is a campfire song? Yes, they sing it at campfires all over. Well, I've never heard this one. Well, did you hear the fish shall be jumping one? No.

Well, up yours, Creams. face just do the final song all right here it goes can you count me in no i'll tell my dad three two one i know you like me i know you do i know you like me that's why whenever she comes around over you what are you singing i told you i'm singing don't you That's not a campfire song. Quiet, please. Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Don't you? Don't you, baby, don't you? Don't you? Don't you? Hey, stop that. What, in the name of sweet? What? Christ, are you doing?

You were going to say fucking. Stop swearing. What is this song? Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Okay, you know what? You're ruining my image of my girlfriend. Well, maybe if you let me finish my campfire song, this is not a campfire song.

Up yours, I'm finishing. Don't you wish a girlfriend was raw like me? Don't you? I wish a girlfriend was fun like me. Don't you! Don't you! Stop it! Don't you!

Stop it, kid! You're not supposed to be yelling! And you shouldn't be singing. What that? This is creepy. This is the pussycat dolls. What are you doing? I'm singing.

Thank you very much. Don't you? Girlfriend was hot like me. Don't you? A freak like me, don't you? Well, don't you? Don't you, baby? Don't you?

Well, don't you? No, I don't get the hell out of here. You're not supposed to be yelling. I'm not yelling, kid. I'm totally calm and collected. Get your cheesy-ass guitar. Get your flabby legs and your stupid red shorts. Get up and walk out my door.

Oh, you think it's going to go down? that easy. Do you Wonderwheel ass? Wonder wheel ass, huh? That's right. Don't you think my girlfriend is hot like me? Don't you want to see me? Eat your face. Don't you? Get out. Get out, get out, get out. I'm pushing you out. You're not allowed to touch me. Get out. I'm pushing you out. Don't touch me. What are you doing? like me don't you don't you get out get out get out get him out don't you wish your girlfriend was wrong like me don't you get out Surprise Surprise!

Surprise! Yeah, how many of you love a good surprise? Huh? Huh? Who doesn't love a good surprise? Surprise! Well, how about this little surprise? And this is one that happens on a fluke.

This is one that happens when you least expect it. This is usually a really good thing, all right? Check it out. You're kicking around the house, and maybe you got a night off, and you're, you know, you're thinking, I'm going to sit down and watch a movie or watch TV or something, or I'm going to sit at the computer and write

or go through my emails, whatever your activity is. Maybe you're going to go sit out on your lawn and stare at the stars. And you're like, man, if only I had something to snack on. If only, oh, God, if only I had like a, there's a little tub of Hagenas ice cream in the freezer or, oh, if I had a donut in the fridge, or some cereal I could eat in the cupboard, right? Or even worse, it's a hot,

summer day. Maybe you've been working out. Maybe you went for a run. Maybe you were playing tennis and you're just parched. You're like, oh my God. And you're back at your house or your apartment. You're like, oh, God, I don't have anything to drink. Oh, if only I had an ice cold Coke or a bite of water, a Gatorade. Oh, my God. If only and you just, you walk to the fridge. You're like, I know there's nothing in there, but I'm going to open it anyways, right? You're just like, Like whatever, it's almost like a motor reaction and you walk over and you're waiting to see a whole big vacuous fridge full of nothing. And you pull it open and surprise surprise, surprise, right? And God love little miracles.

There's a sitting there you forgot you bought it. You hadn't been in your fridge for a while Or somehow you just drew a blank There's an ice cold bottle of Coke Or a bite of water Or a Gatorade Or you just pull over the freezer by having Ah man, wait a minute

Waa Mint chocolate chip, Hagenas ice cream Isn't that the best surprise ever man When you surprise your salad and you're rewarded with a treat. Oh, that is so fun. And it always tastes like three million times better. You know, you're like,

I guess I'll just go to the tap and have some tap water. But now suddenly you have this ice cold Coca-Cola that you forgot. And you open the fridge, knowing there was nothing there, and there it is. It's like sunbeams are coming off of it There's a halo around the top of the lid You could almost swear It has a little mouth and eyes

And it smiles and winks at you Oh, that is one of the best surprises ever, man I got to tell you, I love those moments They don't happen too often They must be really good if you got the all-timers Yeah, there's that word All-timers I know I'm going to get a letter on that

I don't know how to say it But all-timers You must get a whole bunch of surprises You open your garage A car Oh my God, a car Whose car is it? It's mine now

You get out of bed Oh my God a house I've got a house Whose house is this? Oh my God a house You open the front door Oh my God, a planet. I found a planet.

I discovered a planet. Oh, my God, surprise! As long as that planet has a nice cold bottle of Coke sitting on it somewhere, huh? So here's hoping you find a surprise. Maybe today go to your freezer or your fridge. See if you surprise yourself. After you finish listening to this podcast, go, You know, I haven't looked in my fridge for a little.

a little, my freezer. I'd be interested to hear if you get a little surprise, man. I hope you do, because it is a great feeling. It is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. Oh, you walk home, you've had a rough day at work. Right? You kick your bedroom door open. Surprise!

There's your wife in bed with your best friend. Jim? Oh, hey, dude. Surprise. Carol? Hi. Surprise. Sexual intercourse. Surprise. Surprise. Doggy style. Surprise. Well, surprise to you. I bought a new gun today. Surprise. Surprise. well that kind of ended on a dark note but isn't that a nice way to end because we are at the end of the show so I thought why not go out on a dark note

surprise we're at the end of the show but I hope you had a good time and I really do if you do find any surprises in your fridge or freezer or your pantry who has a pantry anymore I love it when real estate agents do that And of course we have the pantry in the kitchen

Oh great, yeah, I need a pantry I work at the steel mill And I'll be coming home And whipping up a souffle And a blince And I'll probably make myself some You know, cranberry crepes for breakfast Thank God I have the pantry

You're right But any How, let's do some sweet and juicy announcements. Don't forget Houston, Texas, baby. Houston, Texas. I will be there tonight, September 6th through September 9th, Sunday, September 9th. Get your tickets. You can go to my website, Harlem Williams.com.

Check on the schedule. There's a direct link and a phone number to the clubs. And then the next weekend, yes indeed. Rally North Carolina. I will be at Charlie Goodnights Thursday, September 13th through the 16th. And then at the end of the month,

at the end of September, I'll be in Calgary, Alberta, Canada at the Blackfoot Inn. That will be Thursday the 27th to the 29th. Saturday the 29th. Go to my website. They have all the links there you need.

Check out our store while you're there. Order some fun merchandise for yourself. Check us out at Harland Williams, Twitter. The Harlem Williams official Facebook page, all that fun stuff. Don't forget the official Harlan Williams YouTube

channel. Got all kinds of cool videos up there. And let's rock it out as we head into the fall here, folks. And that's it. That's all I got today. Surprise. We're done. Happy Camp Fire songs, and until next time, Chicken!

Chalmain, baby, surprise!