The Harland Highway - 431: Senior Funetes. A trip to the mall of depression.

Episode Date: September 17, 2012

Senior Fuentes drops by for a visit, going to the mall gets to be a big downer, what in the name of the law is going on?? Burnt toast tips!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, hi, Heidi, Heidi, ho. Hello, Heidi ho. Whoever you are, Harlem Williams here on the Harland Highway. We are a little bit behind. I'll talk about it when we get into the show. I don't want to waste any time. We're a little late getting on the air, but we're here nonetheless. Glad you can make it.

Bless you all, you little cinnamon angels. All of you flap your wings at once. and let's make some cinnamon. No, let's make a podcast. Here we go. I want to tell you about a little discrepancy I'm upset about with our law enforcement men and women and mammals that take care of our cities and streets and homes.

Little conflict of interest thing going on. I'm going to kind of pop the lid on here. Also a visit from my gun. Gardner, Senor Fuentes drops by today, even though I don't like it when he drops by. What will he bother me about today? I don't know. And then I got a little depressed. I'll be honest with you. I got a little bit depressed somewhere. It was a deep, dark, sad depression.

I think we all get to that place. And I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to be very open and talk about my deep dark depression. I hope it cheers you up right here on the ever-so sunny Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker

going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here

to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Look at this. We're late. I know you're going, well, where the hell is my Monday morning Harland Highway podcast, man? Well, the answer is we had a few little technical glitches.

every now and then it happens and uh that's what went down and um we're dealing with it and uh as a result we got the uh podcast out to a late start why am i talking like this why am i glazing to it so quickly um but we're here we're here nonetheless we apologize for being late uh i think this is only i don't know i think it's only happened maybe one or two times maybe this might be the third time and like i think we're in our third year now so maybe that's maybe that's good maybe like one year one per cycle um i'm allowed to be late so how about that how about that little treat right there huh can i be late now and then too other people are late why can i be late

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right, I got to talk to you about, oh, I was in a mall. I went to a mall the other day. Cue the mall music. Yeah, there we go. Um, I don't know. This might be a weird topic because some of you might be offended and some of them might, some of you might go, well, look at you, Mr. High and Mighty.

But really, I'm not preaching. I'm just going to tell you about my experience. I went into this mall and it was a big fancy mall and it had, you know, it felt dated. Okay, it was one of these rectangle malls with the three floors and the escalators and you go down one rectangle and then you go down a floor and you do the next rectangle. Then you go down to the lower floor and do the rectangle and halfway through the rectangle. There's the food court. And I hadn't been in a mall. like that for a long time and it suddenly dawned on me i'm going i feel like i'm back in

1973 or 82 or 91 like even the 90s it felt old okay there's something about the the way these big malls are set up they're kind of out of touch now they they feel uh i don't know they feel really dated with the with the that kind of granite floor they have and the railings and the fountains in the middle. You know, there's always some kind of type of artwork hanging from the high ceilings. There's a giant duck or there's a cloud or, you know, some kids sliding on a rainbow or something mental. And I just started to feel really like, you know, like here I am. I got an iPhone in one hand where I'm feeling like I'm one of the Jetsons.

Right? And then I'm walking through this rectangular mall looking at storefronts, and I'm feeling like, this feels kind of antiquated. So I don't know. I don't know what the next phase is for the human shopping experience, man. But I feel like it's got to change. It's like, you know, it's like something's got to give. Something's got to, I don't know. We need a new shape.

need a new format we need a new stimuli like it's really just hallways and shop fronts right you walk through these long hallways and there's urban outfitters there's you know H&M there's JCPenney

there you know it's just like plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop it's just like you're walking in a rectangle looking into rectangles and it's starting to feel very rectal angle

um three four um so that struck me that the dated issue struck me but then here's where i got i actually got i'm going to be honest i'm going to share my emotions oh my god here he comes your father always said harland okay a man to be a man you can punch another man and that makes you a man but to be a real man you can cry in front of other people and so I punched my father, and yeah, he started crying. But I got depressed, okay? I don't like to get depressed. Who does?

I'm walking through this mall, and I got really bummed out. Like a dark cloud came over me, and I didn't feel my happy, funny self. I just felt withdrawn, and I think it had to do with all these stores. It was kind of a high-end mall where I was. all the stores are like Dolce and Gabana and Vidal Sassoon and Gucci and all these big, big brand names. And I'm looking at all these stupid items in the window. And I just felt I felt like I was covered in materialistic plasma or something.

And I felt like less than a human being for some reason. I felt like this is what we strive for. this is this is the pinnacle this is what we rush to this is what the upper echelons strives for a seven hundred dollar handbag that's brown and says Gucci on it or whatever what does Gucci even mean who the hell is Vidal so soon who would name their kid Vidal or Vidal or whatever what why do I want their damn name I'm I like my name. How about some Harland Williams jeans, huh?

Why do I feel so much better slapping someone else's name on my ass? Why am I paying $900 for Vidal Sassoon's name? I don't even like that name. What is a Dolce and Gabana? Huh? Who cares? It sounds like beach furniture. Excuse me, boy.

Could you set up a Dolce and Gabana right here? That sun is just. nasty today. Yes, sir, that'll be $750. Up yours, boy. Hmm, sounds good. So anyways, I'm walking around and I'm getting down.

I'm getting down on all this materialistic crap. It's like rectangle after rectangle filled with window displays and shoes and boots and pants and dresses and all this. stuff and i don't know if i felt guilty about being a human being or i suddenly i felt shallow i felt a little empty and then all those things combined just depressed me i was like couldn't there be something more here in the mall could there be something illuminating could there be something spiritual could there be something artful i don't know it just all felt like same crap and all the people walking around me were

oogling at it and going i want that i want that i want that i want that i got to have that that i want that i want that no no no i need that i want that i want that i want that that and you saw people in the stores trying stuff on it here's me now i'm starting to sound high and mighty like what's what's what's people needed to buy stuff man and i get it look there's been times when i've been in the mall and i loved it like Christmas time when I'm buying for everybody and you know I used to hang out in a mall when I was a kid

that was my crib man but maybe it's just I'm a little older and it just hit me it was weird I had a bad experience I didn't like it and then here's something off of my feelings where let's get off of your feelings

for a minute Harlem because we don't really care about your feelings you're just the podcast boy talk and we'll listen. We don't care how you feel. Just say words. Say words, Harlem. But here's something interesting, okay?

Going back to the iPhone, I was walking through this mall, and here's where I felt depressed or actually bad for someone else. I passed the Windows. Microsoft has a store. They're trying to emulate the I store, the Apple store. And it's all bright and shiny, and they get all their equipment set up

and their phones and their laptops and their widescreens and their monitors and all this stuff. And they got their attendance in their little blue Microsoft shirts. Only one problem, not a soul, in the Microsoft store. I mean, this place, you can eat lasagna off the floor it was so clean. This place was pristine and looked high-tech and, you know, it was enticing, but nothing. I don't know if anyone's doing Microsoft anymore. You know, the PCs are kind of like maybe they're just as antiquated as the mall.

More antiquated rectangles, laptops, and all that crap. I think people are seriously drifting away from all the PCs. stuff it's just not getting it done anymore it's not hip it's like it's kind of like old school right apple's like kind of hip modern that's where you want to be it's apple feels like the future and so then i go past the apple store in fact i went right into the apple store bustling just bustling with people it's like as if it's if just a beber was there and people were lined up to see them it was just you know everything was humming people were were invigorated people were trying things, people were touching things, people were asking questions, people were sitting with the attendance and sharing, and you get over here conversation.

Well, what you do, ma'am, as you do this, and when you press F-16, your laptop turns into a transformer, and then you go home and, you know, do what you want to do with it. I'm not going to suggest anything, but they are very good at the 16-9 position, ma'am. And it was very interactive, and I don't know if I've ever seen a store with so many attendants. like not even a giant grocery store I just meant like like I walked in and there was like 49 kids in blue shirts hi how you doing can I help you what do you what do you need you want a bushel of apples huh can make an apple pie would you like an apple turnover how about some apple tarts huh how about we go on the back and bob for apples come on sir we'll throw some iPads in a bucket of water if you pull one out with your teeth you get to keep it sir

I mean, it was great. Just being in that store, you felt alive. You felt things were hip and happening and hopping. And then here's something that's even sad. This goes lower on the totem pole than the Microsoft store. Oh, my God, I was at another location. And I passed a Blackberry store where they were trying to do the same thing, kind of imitate that whole hip Apple vibe.

empty. Just empty, man. It was empty. I think Blackberry is done. I mean, you don't even see people with Blackberries anymore. If you do, you're kind of like, Nerd Alert, hello, welcome to the 70s. Right?

They just, they're just behind the curve. Unless they come out with something totally new that surpasses Apple, like they come up with a phone that you can fly off. or something. I hate to say it, Blackberry, but RIP, baby. I think your ship is sale, dog. There's no way you're keeping up with the hip factor of Apple and Android and all that stuff.

So anyways, back to the mall. Yeah, it was an interesting experience. And I don't know. I don't know why I was so depressed. Well, I guess I do know. And I couldn't wait to get out of there, you know, and I finally got out of there, and I just like, oh, God. So I don't know.

I don't know if it's just as I'm getting older. I don't like all that stuff. I think it's shallow. I don't know. But I don't want to sit here and say, oh, if you go to a mall, you're shallow, man. Because that's not right. Look, malls can be fun. Malls can be this.

Maybe I just having a bad day. Yeah, that's it. I was having a bad day. Maybe I'll go to the mall and take in a movie. Go to the food court. Buy myself a new pair of shoes, a new purse. Just tear myself up. Yeah.

Cue that mall music. Here I go. Oh, ha, ha. I guess I shouldn't let something as cheesy as a mall get me down, right? Life is good, just I'll stay out of malls. I mean, there's so much more to be happy about, right? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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You can start to smell the crispy. What? Oh, no. No. Oh, what the hell? Oh, for God's sakes. I'm doing a podcast here. Roger!

What is he doing here? What are you doing here, Fuentes? My name is Senor Fuente. I know your name. Senor Puente. I know your name. You're my gardener. That's right, Signor.

Well, here's a clue. Gardner. Okay, this is a studio. Do you see a garden anywhere? No, senor. Then why aren't you at home tending to the garden? Well, as you just said, Senor. It's starting to get cold, so all the flowers have gone away.

Okay, well, can you find something else to do? Well, that's why I'm here, senor. I wanted to flush your engine. Excuse me? I wanted to flush your engine, signor. What do you mean you want to flush my engine? Well, I can just tell it's all full of gunk and sludge and scum. The inside is just dripping with, oh, almost like horrible gravy.

What are you talking about? You want to flush my engine? Your lawnmour, Signor? You want to flush my lawnmore engine? See, senor, it's all dirty and clogged up. Well, you made it set. See, this is where you come in here and you talk about your gardening,

and I always think you're referring to something else, and my listeners think when you say you want to flush my engine, I thought you meant that I need it. A colonoscopy, signor? Well, how do you know that word? Signor, I'm sure you're all full of gunk and gravy, signor. I mean, look at the complexion of your pasty white skin. All right.

No, just... What are you doing? I want to flutcher engine. What was that stuff about the colonoscopy? Well, I mean, sometimes there's telltale signs, sign, sign, sign. What are you saying? Well, your skin, signor, I'm sure you have polyps or some kind of cancer up inside you. What the hell is that?

Well, I'm not a doctor, senor, but you do look pasty. You can't come in here and diagnose me with cancer? Why not, signor? If anyone's going to have it, it's you. Stop it! I just came to ask you if I could flush your engine, signor, and I said you could. Now I'm confused, senor, do you want me to flush your lawnmower engine? Or do you want me to bend you over that photocopier and stick a rubber glove?

I'm... Stop it! If I were to get a colonoscopy, I wouldn't have you do it. Well, I wouldn't want to do it, senor, unless, of course, you wanted to pay a little extra. All right, get out of here. So I have your permission to flush your engine, signor? Yes, go and flush your engine. my engine. Okay, bend over the photocopier, signor. No! I'm just kidding. Get out of here!

Boy, I can't take a little joke about having rectal cancer. That's, you don't joke about that, Fuentes. That's Senor Fuentes. Get out of here. I'm doing a podcast. It might be your last podcast, Signor. Why would you say that? Well, you know, with your rectal cancer, Get out! I don't have rectal cancer. I'm not pasty. I'm Caucasian. What do you want me to do?

Go for a colonoscopy. He said, get out! God! Idiot! You should get your tubes tied while you're there too, Senor. Get out! God! That was just all kinds of wrong.

Just all kinds of. of wrong right there guy tells me i have cancer why don't even have that gardener roger what what what gardener died anyways you know what else is wrong here's something else that's wrong and i see if you can figure this one out um what is the deal with clippity clop clipity clop clipity clop police horses have you ever been in a scenario where you're out at a park or you're walking around downtown or you're on a city street and out of the corner of your ear if your ears have corners you're probably a vulcan if your ears have corners but all of a sudden you're you hear the clip-clop of horse hooves on the pavement which is always a bit unusual

It's always unusual to see a giant animal, a farm animal in the middle of a city. I mean, somehow we've kind of psychologically learned to accept the concept of a giant workhorse traipsing down our streets. I mean, put any other animal in that. If you saw a cow or a bull or a goat or a sheep wandering downtown, you'd be like, oh, my God, the hell's going on around here. here. Now, I know old McDonald's at a farm, but how far does his acreage stretch? Right down here to the CBD Central Business District.

But yet we have them. We have these giant police horses, majestic animals. I mean, my God. They are a scene stealer. I mean, I just stop in my tracks. You've got to look at them because they're just, they're giant, they're muscular, they're commanding. They're composed. They're in control. And they're a sight to behold. You've got to give it to the horses. But here's the dilemma, okay? It's in the name, the term police horse. It's a police horse, okay? It works for the police. The police enforce the laws of the land. Okay? This horse is under the banner of the law. Up on the horse's back is an actual human police officer who is sworn to enforce the laws of the country.

And here's where it gets sticky and smelly. Every time you see a police horse and it's strutting down the street, all majestic, its hoofs are coming up and it's symbiotic and it's got a perfect gate, and the cops all up there, mounted, sitting high with his or her chest puffed out, and it's really the city's finest, right? It's a very noble sight, except unlike most things in life

that need to defecate, you know, dogs or humans or fish or birds, a lot of times critters will stop and pop a squat or they'll lift a leg or they'll dig a hole or they'll hang over a log but here's these police horses and all their daintiness trucking on down the street and they got chestnuts flying out of their butt left right and center and they're they're oblivious it's as if they're If, you know, they're oblivious that they're taking a dump. What are they? Don't they feel it?

Don't they see it? Don't they smell it? Don't they hear it splatter on the ground? They just keep on trotting. Oh, look at me. I'm an award-winning horse. My mane is brushed. My fur has a sheen to it.

I've got a police officer up on my back and just like barrels of, bongo juice coming out the back, man. Just splattering all over the city street. I mean, they got some composure. I mean, I wish we could all look so elegant taking a loaf, right? It's pretty. It's pretty. That's almost like royalty.

Just their front feet coming up in the air and they never break stride. It's like, look at me, I'm a police horse, and I'm shant. all over your city, I shall trot over there, and as I'm trotting over there, I shall drop chestnuts all over the ground, and then I shall trot over there, oblivious to the chestnuts. I mean, it's kind of crazy. But then here's the real kicker. How do we deal with this gang? If your dog stops and pinches a loaf, if a homeless guy,

pulls down his trow and you know pops a trout in front of apple bees or something immediate fine oh you didn't pick up your dog poo that's a fine that's a three hundred dollar fine go pick up your dog poo hey buddy you can't uh you can't crap in front of the apple bees well it's no different than their food you've got a point but you can't crap in front of the apple bees what if i leave a tip okay um so here's the thing no one ever picks up after the police horse you've seen it at parade you've seen it a demonstration you've seen it uh when it's just a simple horse patrol right you see this like long pile of horse dudo just splattered in the street there it is on top of

the black asphalt a nice fall brown splattered all over the place right and i don't see any i don't see the cops turning around and scooping and scooping the pooping you know i don't see anyone whoa nelly we've got to go back and pick that up boy it's illegal to leave manure all over the city streets but no apparently they they get a pass not only did they get a pass but they drop more poo than a whole pack of wild dogs put together i mean one horse can leave enough manure hanging around that would uh you know take uh 22 dogs to do just even get close does the stuff get let behind, but it's law enforcement

who if they sigh you letting your dog drop on and then you walked away, they would write you up. But yet they can leave little mini Mount Everest and Mount Rushmore's and Mount Kilimanjaro's

all over the city. I don't know. I'm concerned. Where do we drop the loan? Where do we draw the line? Where do we drop the brown line? What has Brown done for you lately? So is it, is it, do we let them get away with it?

Because they're cops? Do we, do we let the police horses do it? Is it legal for the police and their animals to plop all over the place, whereas a dog can't get away with it? and at least a dog, you know, goes off the sidewalk, goes, sits on the grass, does it near a bush under a tree. I mean, good Lord, these police horses, they drop it on the sidewalk. They drop it on the road, your car goes through it.

I mean, you could, a smart car could disappear in a pile of horse manure. Has anybody seen Dave and Karen? Uh, I think they just drove into that, like, hill over there man what that brown hill yeah that's right they never came out the other side oh my god so just a question man

what are the rules here what are the bylaws what are the zoning I don't know I'm just throwing legal terminology around someone better get on it because I think it might be a little unfair And I'm going to leave it right there. You be the judge. You be the judge, Judy, Judge Wapner.

And let's get some affirmative action going on this. That's a problem. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyways, we'll end there. We'll drop the show right there. And let me tell you about some fun stuff coming up, man. Okay? This is cool.

if you want to catch me doing some live stand-up comedy player some live stand-up comedy uh you can catch me in calgary that's right calgary alberta canada i am going to be up there uh i'm going to be up there september 27th 28th and 29th at the uh blackfoot inn uh comedy club i think it's called the laugh stop um you You can go on my web page, harloughwilliams.com, get the info, reserve your tickets, because this sucker sells out. Every time I go up there, it sells out. So please, please hit harlomwilliams.com, pre-order your tickets, and it's going to be cool. Other exciting news, oh my God, we have an app.

We have a Harland Williams app for your phone. and it's not available just yet. We've just put the final touches on it. I'm going to let you know how you can get it. It is a lot of fun. We're going to, it's full of ringtones and downloads, and you can have ringtones of all the characters from the show. Dr. Debbie Timer, Dr. Ascot, Cinnamon Boy, Senor Fuentes.

I mean, everybody's on there. It's going to be crazy. George Michael. I can't wait to you guys. get to get your hands on this app. I'll keep you posted on that. That's coming real, real soon. And then I'm off to shoot a new sitcom in October.

Very excited about that. I'll tell you more about that as we motor along. But it's going to be a blast. And don't forget to check out Robot and Monster on Nickelodeon every weekend. I do The Voice of Monster. great cartoon. People are loving it. I'm very proud of it. I think you'll like it too.

Don't forget, you can write me at Harlow Williams.com. If you want to leave a comment, you can call me at 323-739-4-3-3-0. If you want to verbalize your comments, you can join me on Twitter at Harlan Williams.

You can go to the Harlow Williams official Facebook page. You can connect to the Harland Williams' YouTube page where we got videos. I mean, there's so much out there. I can barely get through it. Check out our merchandise store at harlotwilms.com

if you want to buy a gift. And next show, I got an announcement for my brand new stand-up comedy special. Oh, I'm so excited to tell you about it. But that's next podcast. Once again, sorry we were late on this one. We fixed our technical glitches. and other exciting news to come.

But that's it for today. I'll see you at the mall, ladies, and for Schlurgel Glorgans. And until next time, chicken, chalmy, baby. Thank you.