The Harland Highway - 432: Call from QUEEN OF ENGLAND, a new App.

Episode Date: September 20, 2012

Harland takes a call from Queen Elizabeth regarding the topless photos of Kate Middleton, A tribute to an old friend who passed away, what's up with fortune cookies? And Harland announces some cool NEW stuff. Frock and froll dude!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, my, my, oh, my, never want to do it, never want to try. Yes, I want to try. I do, I do, I do, I do want to try. I do, I do, I do want to try. I want to try and give you a podcast here, because that's why we're here. That's what I do. It's me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway, and you're here with me. It's a Christmas miracle.

Uh, great show today, a lot of fun, a lot of happy, a little bit of sad, a little bit of a tribute to one of my fallen comrades. A friend of mine passed away quite recently. I think you'll all know who this individual is. I think he might have touched many of you. Uh, and he was my buddy and, uh, I'm very, uh, sadly going to miss him. So I thought I'd take a little time to talk about him, his life. our experiences together. So there's that. We're going to talk about a brand new announcement I have, some incredible news I've got for you that you're going to love. We're going to talk about fortune cookies. Have you ever had a fortune cookie?

What the hell are they? And then a special call-in from the Queen of England talking about Kate Middleton and her nudie breast photos. The Queen of England's calling, Hang on! It's the Harland! Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Oh, wow. Sad way to start the show, but just recently, a friend of mine passed away, a guy that was taken way too soon, 54 years old.

and uh you all know them you all uh probably love them i know i did and uh let me play a clip from uh his most famous movie and then we'll talk about it after um this is a guy that i had the good fortune of knowing doing a movie with called the whole nine yards but let me play play a clip right now from the party's he's best known for John Coffey from the Green Mile and this is a fitting

clip because it talks about getting to the end of the road I'm tired boss I'm tired of being on the road lonely as a smell in the rain I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we're going to coming from or

Why? Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hearing the world every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand? Yes, gentlemen. I can't. well that must be something we can do for you john there must be something that you want I ain't never see me a flick a show yes

yes he's in heaven now the big flicker showing the sky, such a moving performance in the Green Mile. You all remember Michael Clark Duncan as the gentle giant on death row, towering, hulking, incredible guy, and kind of one of these classical, huge guys with kind of the heart of a teddy bear. He had a big infectious smile, a toothy grin, a sparkle in his eye, and that deep voice, just a wonderful, wonderful guy. And, you know, just to share a little bit of my time with him with you folks, we shot a movie together up in Montreal, Canada, called The Whole Nine Yards and Michael played a gangster

and I played an undercover cop and you know there's a scene where I get murdered I get shot by Bruce Willis and Michael Clark kind of is picking

me up and lugging my body around and I'll never forget being on set Michael Clark you know this big giant guy just picking me up carrying me around throwing me on the floor i mean we we had a like a mat a special mat on the ground but he's just like lugging me around like i'm a raggedy ann doll this giant guy and uh what a sweet

guy and we we had a lot of fun uh one of the one of the things i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but i introduced michael clark duncan to the game of blackjack uh we were up and there's a casino near the hotel and I taught him to play and uh and uh you know I went up to his room and I took a couple of decks of cards and he'd never played black and I so I showed him out of play and we played like some you know fake hands in his in his hotel room and then the next day he's like you know calls me up and he's like holland come on man come on back upstairs man show me how to do that again you know that voice right So I go up and teach him again, and then I said, come on, it's time to go over to the casino.

We go to the casino, and I'll be darned. The guy was hooked. I mean, the guy was just hooked. Every day he'd call me, not every day, but just about every day. He'd call me. I'm going, holly, man. Come on, man. Let's go to the casino.

Don't do me like that, man. Like, he'd always put it on me. Like, I was, if I didn't want to go, I was the bad guy. He's like, come on, man, don't do me like that. And then the other thing about Michael Clark, at that point in time, he loved strip clubs. Okay, he loved going to strip clubs. And somehow he found out about this one strip club in Montreal. And keep in mind, Quebec, Canada, Montreal is a spicy place.

It's a pretty open society. And he found this goofy strip club where they had these things in them called cabins. And all they really were were like a row of janitors, closets and Michael Clark Duncan wanted to go to this strip club and he goes come on hollum man let's go to the let's go to the cabin man and I'm like Mike this is when I just been married I go dude I can't go to a strip club I've only been married like like five months six months he goes oh man don't do me like that man come on I said I'm not going to a strip club he was relentless I said you know what dude I'll go I'll walk in the door and I'll sit

have a Coke. I'm not getting into trouble. I'm not going to have a lap dance. I'm not doing any of it. I will go, and he clearly didn't want to go alone. And we got to this place. He just disappeared. I mean, this guy was in and out of more cabins than, you know, I don't know, the gang from Little House on the prairie okay um and he had a riot and uh we ended i ended up leaving them there i was like man i can't wait for this guy to go through all these cabins i ended up taking off i couldn't sit around a strip club i'm a faithful guy i wasn't uh going to get involved with any of that but uh so gambling and stripping is what i'm saying but no outside of that we had an amazing time on set we had tons of laughs

We had all kinds of fun. And then I saw him at other times after the movie. We did the Late Late Show once together, the Carson Daily show, and we met up at a few other functions and blah, blah, blah. But really this is about me saying goodbye. Great guy, wonderful guy. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the imagery, for the magic that you,

put up there on the screen and left for us. And if you haven't watched the Green Mile in a long time, it's really worth pulling it out and watching it again. And not only is it a great movie, but you'll get to see Michael Clark Duncan at his finest. He was nominated for an Oscar. And I remember sitting on set at the whole nine yards and him telling me about this movie that he was doing.

and uh and bruce willis telling me that uh you watch this guy's going to get an oscar this guy's going to get an oscar and sure enough he was nominated for an oscar so that's it uh michael clark duncan rest in peace miss you love you and uh and god bless you buddy oh hollum man don't do me like that man don't do me like that Guess what I had the other night, gang? A cookie. Yeah, a cookie. And when you hear the word cookie,

doesn't your head fill up with delectable, delight, sugary, chocolatey, pastry treats? Ooh, a cookie. Yum! I love cookie. Who doesn't love cookies, man? A delicious cookie? Well, guess what?

kind of cookie this was a fortune cookie um excuse me but are they the worst tasting cookies ever has anyone ever eaten a whole fortune cookie i mean usually take like one or two bites they're really uh crunchy they're almost borderline sharp like they almost cut into your gums or your your your uh the bridge of your mouth so what's the fortune there though My dental bill? Yeah, listen, man, I just cut my top of my mouth off. I need it repaired. Okay, that'll be $4,000.

Will you take a fortune cookie? No, I won't, but thank you. So, you know, I don't get the way they're baked, okay? I don't know what they make them with. It tastes like wet rice mixed with paper mashet, mixed with the USA Today sports section. It's just a bizarre combination

of unfavorable like right? And the shape of them, I mean, can we just, can't there be a cookie standard? Cookies are flat. Cookies are round. Cookies, maybe they're rectangle.

They're like biscuits. Maybe that's a different category of cookie. But fortune cookies, What the hell is a fortune cookie? It looks like, you know, after you chop a baby's umbilical cord? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, it takes about two, three weeks for that little

husk on their belly button to dry up and shrivel and fall off. That's what a fortune cookie looks like. It looks like an umbilical cord husk from a baby's belly button, man. Ew. Gross. I mean, it's the weirdest shape. It looks like it looks like someone failed an origami class at DeVry. And now I will make a shape of a swan.

Ah, crap, I couldn't do it. Anyone want a fortune cookie? I mean, they're the coofiest shape I've ever seen. It looks like a diaper or a... You know, those little kids used to make those things, you put them in your fingers, and they're made out of paper, and you flap them back and forth, and they open and close, and there's, like, little words and colors inside.

I mean, they're just... weird they look like maybe they're like a honey badger dropping or something okay and uh so that's that's hard to get your head around and then here comes the fortune i first of all i don't believe they're cookies and then here comes the fortune part okay how does a fortune play into it okay i open it up and there's some wacky ambiguous saying you will dental floss in 191919 You will go very far places. You will meet tall, dark stranger, namely your waiter, and here's your check. Give me money, wise guy.

Right? I don't know if they should call it a fortune cookie. Maybe like a wacky saying cookie or a really far off the mark relating to your life cookie. I mean, I don't want to open a cookie And have a little shred of paper in it I don't want to eat a cookie that tastes like paper And then there's paper in the middle Okay, give me an Oreo with that white gooey middle

I don't want a pulp paper product In the center of my delectable cookie treat And if they're going to call it a fortune cookie, shouldn't there be like insider stock tips inside You know you open it up and unroll it and it's got like the S&P 500 or it says buy Apple and Google right now thank you for coming right or just just put some money in there and isn't it interesting they bring that fortune cookie at the end of the meal and put it on top of your you know that

little leather thing where they put your bill yeah here your fortune cookie because this meal gonna cost you a fortune funny guy oh thanks thanks a lot so I don't know we gotta come up with a new name for fortune cookies or something's got to give man wait a minute I got I got one here let me see

okay let me ask I got a fortune cookie let me ask the fortune cookie what kind of new name can we give you because we hate the word fortune cookie. Let me see. All right, let me read this fortune. Up yours honky. Okay.

And I'm going to end that little topic right there. Okay, I got to tell you about something. I'm super excited about this. So normally I wait to do my plugs, my little endorsements at the end of the show. can't keep this one in okay i have to announce this i have a brand new app for your for your phone for your cell phone your iphone whatever your phone uh it's it's this it's i love this thing it's it's it's got an app with all your favorite characters from from the harland highway

it's got ringtones of it's got charlie lee it's got dr debby it's got dr as it's got cinnamon boy it's got george michael it's got downloads it's got little photo applications you can do it's got uh these hilarious ringtones it's got the animal noises i i won't even spoil it i'll let you go and fool around with it it's called the harland app and if you want to check it out go to harland app dot com this is a free app for your for your phone free f r e e kind of like this podcast. Have I ever charged you for this podcast? No. We're on number 432. No charge. Now, I won't, I won't deceive you. Once you get into the app, if you want to buy like a whole bunch of ringtones and stuff, you have the option to purchase them, but you don't have to. There's a whole bunch of

stuff on the app that is free that you can have fun with. And I'm very excited about this. is a new venture for me i've never had an app um and so uh please check it out harland app dot com and by the way when you get the app uh it has everything you want for your harland williams right there you can listen to the harland highway on the app you can uh follow me on twitter you can follow me on facebook you can subscribe to my youtube channel can go to my website everything is going to be on that app, okay? So all you pavement pounders, I urge you to get it, tell your friends to get it. It's a lot of fun. And the thing that's great about it, we're going to keep upgrading it and adding things and keep surprises going, stuff you can't get anywhere else. So

check it out. And then another exciting announcement, my podcast, the Harland Highway, is going to be joining forces with a podcast network you're still going to be able to get your podcast here wherever this is wherever you pick up your podcast but there's a new podcast network called all things funny and uh i can't wait uh until they launch this thing it's going to launch october first uh and uh it's going to be guys like me and bill burr and al magical and and Um, uh, great, great comedians. Um, I'm blanking. There's one more guy that I just love. I just love this guy. What's his name? What's his name? I'll think of it. Um, and, uh, you got to check this out. So two, two really cool announcements. And, uh, I'm sorry I'm dumping them on you in the middle of this show, but I didn't want you to miss them. Uh, because, uh, if you love the podcast, if you love what I'm doing, you're going to love these, okay? so um oh jake johansson is the other uh comedian on all things funny so there you go i'll get out of this quickly i don't want to drag it out harland app dot com and all things the harland app dot com is

is available now go get it now it's free and all things comedy or all things funny sorry all things funny uh launches october first so there you go very exciting and now another of that let's get right back to the what the podcast i was about to say the podcast no the podcast here we go all right well let's move on we have a uh a very very very important uh situation here we have a very important caller uh on the line holding on the line and uh this is crazy i'm sure I'm sure you've heard the story of Prince William and his new wife, Kate Middleton. And they were vacationing at some secluded villa. And some paparazzi with a long-ass zoom lens took pictures of Cape Middleton naked.

And it's sent a shockwave through the royal family for the first time. They're like suing, the tabloid. And I guess it's just been very traumatic and very upsetting, and we actually were able to get through to Buckingham Palace. We have the Queen of England on the line, Queen Elizabeth III. And your majesty, welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, thank you. Thank you so very much.

Thank you. Yes, this has got to be unsettling. It's got to be disturbing. One can only imagine how you feel. Yes, it's very, how would you say it's very, how would you say it? It's rather, what would you call it? Um, uh, uh, maybe it's, um... Well, it's, it's a violation, you're, your majesty, if you don't mind me interrupting.

Yes, that's what I was looking for. Violation. Thank you. And it's, it, it's, it's, it, it's, ma'am. Yes, yes, it, your majesty? Your majesty. It's very un-royal-like to have the royal melons exposed out in the open air like that. The royal melons? Yes, the royal melons were flapping around in the breeze, and I can only imagine had she started doing jumping jacks or cartwheels,

and the royal melons were flapping up and down and slapping things, maybe knocking birds out of trees, and knocking twigs down, and maybe smashing some windows at the villa, you say. You're suggesting that her bouncing, as you put it, royal melons would... They would absolutely devastate anything in the region in the area. Maybe kill some school children. They're very large and round and very bouncy. She's a young girl.

She's a beautiful girl, and her best bounce up and down like two cannonballs on a trampoline. Okay. And so we had to take steps to ensure this never happened again. I mean, God forbid she was not wearing her panties. Oh, yes. That would be a royal disaster. If that a camera lens had loomed in and got a tight shot of Her Majesty's Secret Service. I'm sorry?

Her Majesty's Secret Service. Well, what exactly is that, Your Highness? That's her pussy. Excuse me. And so we're very grateful that they didn't get a shot of the Royal Bacon Strip. Uh, your highness? Uh, we are dismayed and we all seeking legal action for the royal coconuts being exposed to the world. And what they've done, what's your name again?

Harlan, ma'am, Harlan Williams. Well, whatever it is, can I just call you Fox Dick? Uh, your high. We're very upset, Fox Dick, and what we want to do is we're going to take legal matters to sue the people that put these royal coconuts, these royal melons, out onto the international internet highway. Yes, the World Wide Web, Your Majesty. Yes, thank you, Fox Dick.

You know, I don't know if that's really not my name. I'm the queen, and you're my royal foxtic. Okay, Your Highness, I don't appreciate... Silence, fucksteak, or chop your head off. Okay, Your Highness. And we're just very grateful that they didn't get a shot of the royal pushy-wushy, the royal compass, the glowing pillow of Her Majesty's royalty. You mean her buttocks, Your Highness?

That's exactly right. I was extremely elated that they didn't get a shot of her royal crack, as we like to put it, as they like to stay around here in Buckingham Palace. Okay, so basically we've got the royal melons,

the royal coconuts, Her Majesty's Secret Service. The Royal Bacon Strip. The Royal Bacon Strip, Her Majesty's Secret Pillows. And the Royal Rumpus. Okay. And don't forget, you're my

fuck stick. Okay. Do we need that? We certainly do. I'm the Queen of England, don't you know? Okay, so where does it all go from here, Your Highness? I mean, you know, the pictures are already out there. They're on the Internet.

Everybody's seen them. Well, what we've done is we've decided to put the pictures to good use and scare all the money from the pictures called charity. What exactly do you mean? Well, now that they've seen Katie naked Yes, you majesty Now that they've seen the royal melons And her majesty's secret service

And the royal crack, fuckstick Your Majesty What we've decided to do Is get Kate, or Katie As she likes to be called We've decided to get her three consecutive weekends Down at the peppermint rhino Will she be pulled

dancing for charity. Excuse me? Well, let's face it, she's already been seen naked, so we're going to have her attend a strip club at the Royal Pepperman Spearmid Rhino, and she's going to be doing a water dance, she's going to be doing lap dances, table dances, and sliding up and down that dirty bacteria-infested

West Nile virus SARS-covered pole. A SARS-covered stripper pole. Yes, we might as well put, Her Majesty's Secret Service, the royal muskmelons, and the royal crack-a-lac to work. Okay, look, you're the ruler of the land, and I can't tell you what to do. All I can say is over here in the U.S., we have sympathy. We're sorry this happened. It's inappropriate, and we wish you and Prince William and Kate Middleton all the best. Well, thank you so much for understanding.

You're very, very, very wonderful fox stick. And that's not my name. I done me thy royal fox stick. Uh, would you not? Go and get me some curly fries, you royal fox stick. Okay, Roger, I think we're done. Don't hang up with me, fox dick. Roger, thank you.

Don't you dare hang up on me, you dirty little fox stick. Don't you do it. Let's get, uh, let's, um, Roger, let's lose her. Okay, Roger, that got a little weird. I mean, I got to say I had butterflies in my stomach. I mean, talking to royalty, that's, that's amazing, but I don't know. How old is she? What?

85, 89? Yeah, she's a little, I don't know if she's a little, and you, woohoo. Wow. Okay, well, there you have it, folks. I don't know that any other podcast gets the Queen of England on the line to talk about this stuff. So this is good, and hold on. God, hello. God, is she gone or what? Okay. Well, thanks to the Queen of England. Good way to round out the show.

That's the first time we've ever had her. uh it's sincerely uh sad by the uh the events that have unfolded uh we thank her for picking us to uh to talk to us to uh you know tell us about the situation and uh we'll leave it there i don't think we can top the queen of england um as i said you guys earlier in the show don't forget to check out harland app dot com that's harland app dot com that's my brand new uh phone app it's lots of fun guaranteed to make you giggle ringtones from all your favorite characters from the show Cinnamon Boy Dr. Debbie Timer

Senor Fuentes I mean they're all there and all kinds of other cool stuff so check out Harlandapp.com download it for free like I said you can get the podcast you can get the Twitter you can get the Facebook you can get the YouTube it's all there under one roof

and I hope you dig it, man. Also, if you want to see me doing some stand-up, oh yeah, check me out this Sunday. I'll be at the improv in Hollywood, California. Show starts at 9 or 9.30, the Hollywood Improv on Melrose Boulevard. Drop on down. I'm going to be jamming out a set there.

And then the next Tuesday, the 25th, uh you can catch me on adam corolla's podcast uh adam carola's uh show is next tuesday and then uh to see me live i will be uh september 27 through the 29th calgary alberta the blackfoot inn uh great comedy club up there uh get all the information at harlow williams dot com click click on the stand up link while you're there check check out our store, get some merchandise, and that's it, man. I think we've covered just about anything. If you want to write me, harlo-williams.com. If you want to call me, 323-739-4-330, thank you so much for being here. And again, Michael Clark Duncan, rest in peace, buddy. Take my hand, boss.

And we'll see you on the other side. And until then. and show me, baby. John Calphé is a mangrove. I don't think he did it at all. Take my hand, both. You see for yourself.