The Harland Highway - 433: Should JESUS have been killled? Strange body parts.

Episode Date: September 24, 2012

Today we hear tape of someone telling us about our sins, Harland starts asking lots of questions about this, also, there are parts of your body you have never seen. Trample my sample!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

baby face you've got the cutest little baby face oh gross baby face yuck um and don't say yuck too much because this is the harland highway podcast and we don't like that word here uh i'm harlan williams your host yuck um and what a show we have today uh this show is is all over the place but uh so is my face so yeah um today we will be uh talking about believe it or not a little bit about uh god and religion and and the world and uh you'll like this because i recorded some guy in a park on a megaphone telling us all what evil people we are and and what haters we are and all these these sins we've committed and uh i record I've recorded this, and I'm going to play the clip for you, and we're going to discuss it. And I think it's going to open up some interesting dialogue here.

And also, we're going to be talking about your body. Mystery parts of your body. Do you know there's parts of your body that you might not have even seen? And I'm talking externally. There's areas of your body you've been ignoring. How dare you shame on you, as long as you don't ignore. The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway.

All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up comment. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Okay, this is weird. This is really weird.

This is super weird. How well do you know yourself, Lurdies and Fenerd Blurton's. How well do you know yourself? You're probably like, I know myself pretty well, whether you're 15, whether you're 32, whether you're 52. You're like, I know myself pretty good. You know, I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. I know myself.

Okay, so maybe mentally you know yourself. Physically, do you know yourself? You're like, yeah, man, I look in the mirror every day, I brush my hair, I pop my zits, I cut my nails, I shower, I lather up everywhere. But let me submit to you something. that's really kind of quirky and weird and might freak you out a little bit, there's areas of your body that you don't know well at all.

There's areas of your body that have lived with you, that have been part of you since your conception, that you might have only looked at three, four, five times in your life, maybe once in your life, maybe never. can you imagine that's like pretend you have an apartment or a house pretend there's a couple of rooms in your apartment or your house you've never been into the door's always been shut like i've lived here for 20 years i've never opened that door what the

what the hell's in there and this is where it gets weird but these are obscure parts of your body that are you it's you it's part of you you. If your name's Jim or Larry or Mary, Mary, this is part of you. Larry, this is you. And what I'm talking about is when was the last time you ever looked at the souls of your feet? It was the last time you ever looked at the arch in your foot? What was the last time you ever pulled your toes open and looked in between your toes at the skin? right what was the last time you looked at the skin between your fingers have you ever seen the

skin behind your ears on the back of your neck um you know it's it's just there's there's little areas of your body and i know you're like what the hell dude what are you talking about but think about it this is you this is your physical form you'd think being you with your brain and your bones and your flesh and you goes everywhere with you you does everything with you you is you and yet there's parts that you haven't even laid eyes on more than probably 30 seconds in your whole life isn't that weird isn't that a weird concept? So maybe

right now or maybe tonight or next time you step out of the shower I want you to sit down and pull your leg up and rest it on your thigh and look at the bottom of your foot. Look at the skin patterns. Look at the deviations. Look at the creases.

Look at the wrinkles. Look at the texture. Look at the smoothness. Lift your toe up. You've never seen the skin. You don't even know what the bottom of your own toe looks like. That little area between the bulbous tip of your toe and the front of your foot. There's that little arch in between that connects the bulbous part of the tip of your toe

to the main part of your toe. Have you ever looked at that? Have you ever touched it? Have you ever felt it? I mean, these are feet that every step you've ever taken. in your life is with these feet and you haven't even looked at them you don't even know what they feel like you've never like spent five minutes staring at them touching them getting to know them isn't that weird that's like if someone had put a piece of cardboard over half your face and you

go you know i don't know what the other half of my face looks like i can assume i can guess i i don't know if i have a freckle on half my face i don't know if i have a cleft lip I don't know if I have a dimple, if I have a scar. So what about the bottom of your foot? What about the arch and your foot? What about your heel? What was the last time you spent some time with your Achilles tendon? Just fiddled around with it, touched it, examined it, thought about it, played with it,

caressed it, rubbed it, talked to it, told it a story, nurtured it. What was the last time you ventured in between your toes and played with the webbing? Mertended you were maybe a baby frog or a toad. Touched it. And you want to hear something a little scary. Sometimes skin cancer happens in between the toes. You may think I'm jesting, but I'm serious. A lot of times skin cancer shows up in the most obscure place in between your toes.

So while you're doing this trivial exercise, just getting to nests, know your own flesh. There might be an upside to this, as well as getting to know your own body. Maybe you discover something you don't want to discover, but it might save your life. How about that? Because you took the time to sit down with your own epidermis, you might save your own life. But that's a far-reaching excuse. I just want you to get to know your whole body.

You shouldn't not know your whole body. I'm sure, gentlemen, you've all explored around your testicles, and I'm not trying to be graphic or edgy. You've probably looked around your testicles. You've probably... Ladies, you've probably examined your little friend down there. You've examined your breasts. You've probably all looked under your arms at your armpits.

You know, but there's areas, and they're, may be more than I'm not even touching on. You've probably looked up your nose in a mirror. But there's these places we forget. These places are you. Stop forgetting. Stop neglecting you. Sit down just for a few minutes. And maybe you'll be surprised and go, I did not know that the balls of my feet looked like this. I did not know i had a freckle down there i did not know that my heel is a little bit crooked it's a little bit crooked that's why i walk like a flamingo interesting i did not know this so there you go i told you at the beginning this was going to be a little weird a little odd and and you're probably sitting

there god either harland's a moron or you're like harlan's right i have negated a part of my human body, my whole life. I haven't given it any second thought. I haven't given it any credo. I haven't even really seen it. Imagine if you've never seen the palm of your hand or the back of your hand. For 30, 40 years.

One day you looked at it. I bet you'd see something there where you were amazed or at least fascinated or something would stimulate you. So there you go. Little exercise for you. When you're getting into bed tonight, when you get out of the tub, when you get out of the shower,

when you're at the gym, somewhere. Please look at your whole body. Please know you. And let me know if you find anything. Let me know if anything jumps out at you. Or maybe not. Just keep it to yourself. And walk around with the satisfaction.

next time you're walking, air quotes, walking down a street, think about the souls of your feet and go, I know you. I know you souls. I've seen you. I've made eye contact. Thank you for walking me around. Thank you. Thank me, is what I meant to say.

Thank me. Now, I've got to get down to the shoe storm by myself some new clogs. Happy Trails. Thank you. It's a hot day. It's summer. I'm walking around in a city, you know, enjoying the sights and the sounds. The birds are singing. The children are playing.

The hustle and bustle of downtown city. And all of a sudden, I start to hear this tinny voice. This tinny voice through a megaphone. And I'm like, what's going on? Is there a street riot? And then I start to hear like hot button words like Jesus Christ and sinning and dying and hate and Satan and all this stuff. And I realize it's a guy in the middle of downtown just standing up on the curb and he's spewing all this stuff about religion and God and life and death. and so I thought I'd sit down and record some of it

and go back and analyze it here for the podcast. So take a listen and we'll come back and talk about it. It's about a minute long. What I have said is true. Start with a good job. That's where you'll find all about Jesus. and what he did for you on the cross of Calgary

the fact that he died even though he didn't need to die he died because we have sinned against God we have lied we have stolen we have looked with lust we have used God's name as a curse word

we have hated people we have done so many wicked things we have sinned against God, our Creator. But God loved us anyway, and in spite of our sin, he sent his son to die for us on the cross.

The son who died but rose again, who came back to life, three days later. And he now offers you the gift of eternal life. Won't you please turn from your son? Won't you please trust

in Jesus Christ today? please be careful wherever it is you're going and remember to stay cool because it's a very hot day outside God bless you so there you go there's the guy up on his soapbox you know sending his message out to the public whether they want to hear it or not and I'm not a religion basher guy I'm not about to go oh, screw that guy, and what's with the God stuff? And, you know, I'm not going to pull a Bill Maher on you where I just dispel religion across the board.

I'm not going to favor it one way or the other because I believe people have the right to decide what they want to do with their own minds. If they want to believe in God, if people want to have faith, great. If they don't, then they don't. But what's interesting is the message that this guy is putting out there. He's kind of asking people to, you know, come into God.

But at the same time, he's accusing all of us of being sinners and hateful and evil and wicked and all this stuff, which is a little heavy. Remember, I'm out for a little walk here to find an ice cream. I'm looking for some Baskin-Robbins action. And, you know, I got my mind on a min chocolate chip cone, and suddenly I'm a sinner full of hate going to hell for all my hatred. And I was going to get a double scoop, okay? But now, you know, I'm diverted,

and suddenly I'm sitting down kind of recording this guy, and I'm listening to these accusations or these. claims or whatever you want to call them I'm like good golly man this stuff's heavy this stuff's hard I mean you know God if God created us if that's what you believe if that's what this gentleman

believes if God created us then you have to know that God created us not to be walking talking perfect like you know altar boy zombies If he created everything about us, every facet about us,

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Don't throw your back out. Then I don't think he created. us to walk around and go, hello, how are you today? May I hold the door for you? I have $40 in my pocket. Let me give it to you, for we are all angelic. We are all wonderful, perfect beings. So obviously God must have instilled in us, not evil, but he must have, he must have instilled in us the yin and the yang. He must have instilled us, what he did instill in us, which is, I think, acknowledged in the Bible and in religion, is he gave us the right to choose.

And if that be the case, then you have to ask yourself, well, choose what? If we're all dainty and good and holier than now, what are we choosing? Should I give you $60 from my wallet? Or should I give you $40 from my wallet? What a very hard to say. You know, so I think the word choosing there implicates that or implies that, you know,

there's probably going to be choices in life that are bad, that are difficult, that maybe don't go down the right path, don't follow the teachings of love and faith and religion. But if he installed the right to choose in us, then you're, you have to kind of say, well, he must have known that there was going to be bumps in the road and that we being his creations might not make the right choice every time. So I don't know, that's an interesting dilemma right there. But, you know, I guess it's weird that when you're talking about religion and love and peace and heaven and God and Almighty Creator, and we know,

died for your sins it just seems a little heavy for for that department to be laying on you that you're all sinners and haters and vile people and it's just too heavy-handed for me i don't love that aspect of religion and then and then the guilt trip always comes he put his own son up on the cross and he died for your sins that's like well wait a minute isn't that kind of a sin that you would put your own kid up on the cross you know what's that say about you god and if you're listening which you are i'm not happy that you put your own kid up on a cross and sacrificed them for us you know i would have probably taken a plague of locust or turn the water into blood or

You know, maybe, how about a, you know, a couple of months of no sun? You know? Maybe a drought. Maybe a couple of extra tornadoes a year. But did you really have to hang your own sun up on a cross? For my sins, what I, you know, I shoplifted a Snickers bar, which is a sin. And you're like, oh, my goodness. Somebody stole a Snickers bar.

I better hang my kid up in the scorching sun on a cross. And, you know, let's nail him to the cross. And let's put prickles on his head. And let's pour vinegar in his rooms. Let's have the guards stab him a few times. And why don't we have people throw rocks and have crows land and peck in his eyes? Slowly let him starve and rot. Okay, it's one thing to kill your son for our sins,

but wasn't that pretty much out-and-out torture? I mean, was there any waterboarding happening here? I mean, this is a slow, grisly, prolonged, agonizing death. Is this what you had to do to stop humans from doing bad things? Which, by the way, if you created us, didn't you instill us with this? the ability to do bad things? I don't know. It's all a little messy,

and I feel like maybe wouldn't Jesus have done a lot more good if he had just stayed on earth walking around? I mean, I have a feeling you would have swayed a lot more people. Like, let's say Bernie Madoff

or some guys in the mafia. Okay? Let's say they were evil or, you know, Jeffrey Dalton, or Ted Bundy, let's say Dalmer's off eating somebody's leg and Madoff scamming a couple of billion and the mafia guys are selling drugs and offing people and, you know, Ted Bundy's cereal killing someone. Wouldn't it be a bit better, more productive if Jesus was still walking around and in the middle of their crimes, he kind of floated through a wall and said, hey, what's up, man?

What's up? Why, you got to play like this, player? What's up? Back down, player. And then they're like, uh, did you just float through a wall, dude? Yes, I'm the son of God. Oh, no, you're not. Well, yes, they am. Look, here's a zebra.

I'm turning into ice cream. Your legs are made of gold. And, um, here's your dead grandmother. See, there's about seven miracles right there. I think just about any bad guy would go, You know what? I think I'm going to change my ways. You just totally freaked me out.

God is real. So what was his end game killing his own kid? It might have been symbolic, but was it really that effective? And believe me, I'm not sitting here spouting evil or trying to contradict the ways of the all-me mighty creator, I'm not trying to say religion is a farce and Jesus is a farce and God is a farce. I'm not doing that. I'm just, I'm just asking questions.

Like with any problem, I think you always look at different scenarios, different solutions. And in my mind, my humble mind, whether I'm right or wrong, people listening might be mad at my opinion or they might like it or they might be neutral, but it seems to me I feel like Jesus the Son of God would be much more effective still alive wandering around put them on CNN.

You know, back in the day Jesus was limited to whoever was in his radius. I will now float for you 14 fishermen. There's no way you'll be able to prove it to anybody. I'm going to do it, and you will not be able to take a picture of it or videotape it or put it on TV, because those things don't exist.

But you shall go forth and tell your friends that I floated here today and turned a cloud into a fish. But had God just been patient and waited, you know, a couple of thousand years, Jesus could have his own special on HBO. Jesus could be doing a primetime special on CBS. I mean, David Copperfield got a special on CBS and made elephants disappear. And that was all BS. How about the real son of God?

How about the real son of God on their performing real miracles? and showing us the way, leading us to faith, leading us to God. So far be it for me a mere mortal to challenge the wisdom of God. You know, that's not what I'm doing, but I'm a little confused. I kind of wish it went down another way. To tell you the truth, I wish I could have met Jesus. Was Jesus eternal? Was Jesus eternal as is God as Father?

was Jesus a guy that God could have just kept him alive forever and he could have touched all our lives in a most positive way? I mean, what's stronger, instilling faith in somebody and saying, you know, if I kill my son, then people will have to go on faith, and faith is strong. Okay, but what about, what about, just let's forego the faith and just give us the factual person right here in flesh and blood. And we don't have to deal with all that ambiguity.

We don't have to deal with all the indecision and the doubters and the naysayers. How about Jesus in concert at the Hollywood Bowl? People would pay the believers people would line up to see Jesus. So maybe God was a bit hasty and took his own kid before his time. And with all the bad things in the world, all the hatred and all the things that that guy described, you know, can't God just send another kid down? You know, I have four sisters. Maybe one of them could, you know, have another baby.

I'm sure they'd be okay with it. At least three of them would. Hey, Har, how's it gone? Pretty good. What's going on? Well, darn this thing. I woke up this morning. I was pregnant. Well, did you... Does your boyfriend know? That's the thing. I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't had sexual intercourse in 12 years. Well, you're... That's God. Oh, am I having another God child? Yes.

Okay, cool. You know, it's like, can't we send another one? if God's behind all the ruckus here on our planet, like the wars and the hatred and the good and the bad and the ugly, can't he just whip up another kid to send and start showing people that it's all real? I mean, what's with the hesitation? What's with the hiding? What's with the making us wait?

It's chaotic here. Let's send someone down. to organize things look at our political leaders do you trust romney do you trust obama did you dress Putin do you trust Gaddafi who's now dead do you trust any of those middle eastern uh leaders do you trust uh Mustafa or whatever the guy in iraq is or iran i should say a didajum or whatever his name is why not send down a good guy So there you go. All these thoughts coming from this little sit-down in the park.

And interesting stuff. I don't know what your take is. As I said, I'm not knocking religion, but I do ask questions. I am inquisitive. I do think about alternatives. And I try to look at things from different perspectives, which I think is a healthy thing. but this isn't, I'm not knocking religion and religion sucks

and people who are religious or idiots, no. My parents are very religious. I'm religious to an extent. I'm not hardcore, but to an extent I've got that in me, you know? So I'm not knocking any of it. I'm just wondering, is there other ways this can be happening? Is there other ways it could have happened? I don't know.

going to go check my tivo and see if there's a jesus special coming up because i'll watch that um so food for thought man food for thought and uh oh and don't forget after all the hatred and all the sitting that you've done and all the all these bad things that you've done don't forget the most important part of this sermon please be careful wherever it is going and remember to stay cool because it's a very hot day outside. God bless you. God bless you. It is hot outside.

And see, that's probably always on my way to get an ice cream. Now, there is more to this story. I'm not going to play it for you today because we're at the end here, and I don't want to, you know, overwhelm you with too much religious stuff. I think it's an interesting conversation, though.

But what happened as I was sitting there, listening to this guy just when he finished I guess one of his cronies or one of his cohorts or whatever you want to call them he saw me sitting there and this guy like a middle-aged guy

like 50 years old or so he came over and sat down beside me and out a bunch of pamphlets and started talking to me about God and you know what I recorded that too and there was some interesting stuff

There was some funny stuff. There was some real stuff. And I'm not going to play that for you today, but I'll play that for you on a upcoming show. And we'll keep this little discussion going. It's kind of fascinating because it's such a deep topic. It's such a rich and kind of one of these topics, religion, is you never get to the answer.

There's no answer to it. So it's a good debate. it's a good it's a good thing to you know sift through and uh and that's it in fact uh that that brought us right to the end of the podcast which many of you are going oh thank god for miracles finally it's over well come on why why you got to why you got to be like that player step back i I got no time for that player. So anyways, there it is. I hope you enjoyed today's podcast.

Spend some time with your souls. And I could mean that in the religious sense, or I could mean that the souls of your feet, because we talked about both today. So there you go. Don't forget to check out my new free app. If you have a cell phone or you're on the internet, go to harlandapap.com. Download the app for free.

It's full of incredible Harland Highway stuff, character voices, ringtones, all that crazy stuff. Tons of fun. Tons of fun. And then don't forget, I am going to be, my friends. I'm going to be on Adam Carolla's podcast. tomorrow. And then on this weekend, Thursday, September 27th to the 29th, I'll be at the Blackfoot Inn at the Comedy Club in Calgary, Alberta at the

laugh stop or the laugh shop, one of the two. Go online to Harlow Williams.com and you can click my stand-up icon and you will have information on how to order your tickets, reserve your seats. It's going to be a blast. We're going to do stand-up and improv comedy this weekend. Sketch comedy and stand-up. It's going to be a blowout. I hope you can make it.

Don't forget to visit our store at harlomwilms.com. And please get that app. It's free. And through it, you can listen to the Harland Highway. You can join the Harlow Williams' Twitter page, the Facebook page, the YouTube page, all that crazy media crap. And there you go. So hope you had a good time. And I certainly did.

And until next time, God bless a great big bowl of chicken. Chalman, baby! Ice cream. Get your ice cream. Get your delicious ice cream. You there. You with the stupid face. Come here and get some ice cream. Hello, stupid ice cream. Get your ice cream.