The Harland Highway - 435: DR. ASCOT returns, Harland attacked in his sleep!

Episode Date: October 1, 2012

Dr. Ascot is back with another shrink session with Harland, odd pastries, remaking songs, and Harland gets attacked in his sleep. Holy, holy water!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, hello everybody. Welcome to the Harlandsh Highways. All right, I don't know what accent that was, but I think it was mental. Welcome to the Harland Highway, as I tried to say just seconds ago and failed at. I am Harland Williams, your host. I will be guiding you through this Madhouse today. And thank you for being here. Bless you, my children. What? All kinds of goofy stuff to talk about today. I'm long overdue, but I have to have a visit with Dr. Ascots.

I'm going to be doing some on-air therapy, air quotes, therapy with this guy. He's been away for a while on sabbatical. I've got to pick it up where we left off. Not happy about it, but hang around for that. We're going to be talking about pastries, delicious pastries that are kind of Kind of obscure, but not obscure and have funny names. We have to get into that. We're going to talk about people who remake songs,

and there's certain people that shouldn't be allowed to remake songs. And believe me, I'm going to get into that. And then lastly, yours truly got attacked in his sleep. Yes, I was fast to sleep, a full-on attack in my sleep. It's horrible, but then it always is. Right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams In 30 seconds you'll be dead I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes

Oh yes Here we go Here we go You hear that song You hear that song playing in the background Who doesn't know this song Right Classic rock and roll

Guns and Roses sweet child of mine you know just like an anthem it was like during the the 80s when there was like

a lot of hair bands or maybe this this might have even been like the early 90s but it's a lot of like hair bands, flocks of seagulls and then the grunge movement came and everything was starting to kind

of skew the same way and then all was a sudden these guys hit the airwaves and it was like oh man here's some hardcore rocking dudes man and they had the whole bad boy image to go with it and you know they really uh they really were a true symbol of and a true uh flavoring of real rock and roll right so this is one of those songs that you kind of put on the shelf and uh you know you kind of stick them up there with like the likes of lead zepp and people that will always be identified as real hardcore rock and roll. And so what happens a lot these days, and here's where I'm going with this, my sweet children of mine,

is that a lot of singers nowadays either try to make their way on the backs of hit songs or they're already successful and they think it'll be cool to take a hit song and redo it, which sometimes has been done successfully, but what's happening a lot nowadays is they're doing the Lilith Fair version of these rock songs. In other words, they're taking like some girl or some guy with a really soft voice who's trying to portray like this sensitive, you know, coffee house. lounge singer vibe right and it's like you know like a solo guitar an acoustic guitar and you know they're sitting on a stool at a poetry bar or something and they take like a rock

classic like this and they sing it and they put it out there and I'm not kidding I forget what airline it is I think it's Delta Airlines when you fly on certain airlines they have kind of their own little stable of music that they play you know they'll play it for a cycle and then move on but you know a couple of the flights i've been on in the last half year i get on the plane we're sitting on the runway we're waiting for everyone to load and they're they're playing this music over the uh the pa system and it's some like taylor swift type or kelly carlson type or kelly whatever the chick from america's favorite videos or I don't know what she is.

Kelly Clarkson, that's what I'm going for. Or you got some, like, you know, soft-spoken, like, Dido or Dildo or whoever it is. And they're singing, they have the nuts to sing, sweet child of mine. And it's kind of, I swear to God, it's like, she's got eyes of the bluest skies, and if she's,

started to rain I'd look into those eyes and I would see an ounce of pain Her hair reminds me All right, are you annoyed yet? Yeah Her hair reminds me of a soft sweet play Stop it, just stop right?

Just stop it and this is a fully produced like full on like release and what I'm here to say today is stop it just stop it j s um i just stop it it's hard for me to find letters just stop it because no it doesn't work

it's annoying it's grating it's grinding and it just soils a legendary rock song, okay? The only one you could ever really do it to is stairway to heaven because it's already kind of soft and melodic, right? It's like, there's a lady who show all the glitters is gold and she's buying stairway to have ever. Can I get a coffee? Yeah.

Could you just slide me a coffee? Yeah. When she gets there she knows. Yeah, double cream, double sugar. Yeah, thank you so much. You know? I mean, come on. But don't do it.

Don't do it to an ACD song. ACDC song. Right? I'm on a high way to hell. Don't stop me. High way to hell, oh yeah, hi. Right? Doesn't work, man.

How about the scorpions? Here I am. Rock me like a hurricane. Here I am. Rock me like a hurricane. No, I feel sick. I feel sick even doing this, man. Don't you feel queasy?

but these artsy-fartsy folk singer types these Taylor Swift or whoever's doing it a J-S-I just stop it please ugh it makes my stomach turn so there you go that's that's my early day beef here on the highway so J-S-I and speaking of which I'm going to JSI talking about this because I got to go take some vomit pills. He's taking some vomit pills because he feels real sick.

Could I also get a cinnamon muffin. Yeah. Thank you. He's going to puke. Stop it. Just stop it! Okay, now, speaking of coffee lounges, because now, speaking of coffee lounges, because now this got my mind turning, and, you know, I was talking about the cinnacran muffins and all that.

It brought me around to thinking about pastries. And you're like, what? Is this where I turn off this show? Is this where the podcast gets deep six? No. No, no, no, no. This is where it gets tasty, delicious, and interesting. You probably know this, but maybe you don't know this.

But there's a bunch of weird pastries out there that cross our paths from time. to time. And I think we need to talk about them because I'm confused and I'm weirded out by these pastries. And I'm talking about like pastries with weird names, but we don't question them. We just eat them. How many of you have had a bear claw? What? You're in the middle of a city. Okay? You're at a Starbucks? You're at a, you're at some kind of coffee shop or a deli. Yes, waiter, I'd like a bear claw, please. Excellent, sir.

We just got a truckload of grizzlies in this afternoon. Let me get out back and chop some of the hands off. Thank you. Who the hell named the bear claw? I mean, that's an animal's foot. That's part of an animal's foot. I mean, can you imagine ordering... Yeah, give me a hangnail,

and do you have any more ingrown toenails left? Those are delicious. Yeah, the ones with the sprinkles on them. Yeah, and if you got, look, I know I'm late. These things usually go sell by 9 o'clock. Do you have any more athletes' feet? Because I'd love a dozen. I'd love a baker's dozen of athletes' feet.

And give me a unicorn hoof. Yeah. And give me some pigs' feet. Pickled pigs' feet with that bear claw. What the hell? if you imagine eating a bear claw where does that even come from was there some hunter out in the woods

and he was lost and he got starved to death and he fell like a dead bear carcass and the only thing left on it were the claws and he like ate them I don't know just a weird name it's like a wild animal's body part and we order it with our coffee it can be a hot chocolate

and give me a lion's forehead. Yeah, I'd love a lion's forehead. And do you have any more zebra legs? Yeah. Yeah, and also, you know what? Well, we're here, you know, what the hell? What the hell? It's Friday, okay?

It's Friday. Give me a hippopotamus ball. Yeah, the left one. Thank you. I don't get it, man. It keeps going. How many of you have had a horn? There's a cinnamon horn or a cheese horn?

Who came up with this one? A horn? Ha-k! Hi, I'd like a strawberry. Honk! Excuse me, sir? You heard me. I want a strawberry.

Honk! And while you're at it, give me a raspberry. A-U-ga! A-U-ga! Sir, you heard me. Yes, sir. fuck you fuck you fa ass um so i i don't know horn who that hell came up with horns some guy driving down the road

someone gave him the horn and he i don't know threw a donut at the guy i don't know what how these come about this a puff how many of you have ever had a puff like some puffs please yes sir let me float up into the sky and grab you some clouds would you like cumulus or thunder i'll try the thunder puff please the cumulus are much better they're softer okay they look puffier too who came up with that one look what i made everybody a puff i don't know a turnover the hell's a turnover that i don't want to that don't imply like I'm asleep

and I wake up in the morning and I turn over and there's like a fresh delicious steaming hot pastry laying on the other pillow oh I love to turn over in the morning it's such delicious experience

I turned over this morning oh my god raspberry turn over good morning to me looks like an angel visited my room last night a turnover angel what the hell and this is the last one I'll do

there's many more but I'm just a little befuddled by these a knot how many of you have ever had a knot a cinnamon knot a berry knot an apricot knot I hope not

not not I mean just the sound of that sounds like it would get twisted up in your stomach I mean I'm guessing if it's called a knot. It looks like a knot. It sounds pretty close to snot, but it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's really not. It's not. It's a not.

Not. Not. Wow. This could turn into a new Dr. Seuss book. But, you know, imagine getting a length of old sailor's rope off the side of a pier and going, oh my God. Do you see that, Jim? Yeah, man, I see that. Is that a motherfucking knot? Yeah, that's a knot, dude. Look at that knot. Just swaying against all the barnacles.

It looks like there's a crab running up it. Oh, shit, man. That's like a seafood knot, man. Yeah. What do you say we go get that? Yeah, man. Let's go get that knot. Let's go get that seafood knot, man.

Yeah, let's get, can we share it? Oh, yeah, man. We go share that knot. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You go cut a rope and cut the knot off it and eat it? What the hell? Who comes up with this stuff? Some sailor out at sea

Arg, I'm delirious, I have scurvy, arg, I can't think straight I've been without food or water A drift on the sea for 29 days Someone bring me a knot Arg In fact, there's a couple there on me rope I'll just eat those knots Ah, they're so delicious when I get back home

I'll open a pastry shop Deep fry the knots and sell them to the public. I wonder if Don Nott's ever ate Nots. Mr. Furley! Give me some knots, Janice. I don't know. Just weird names.

Weird names. Like Harland. What? Yeah, I have a weird name. Who cares? And speaking of Twisted Up Nauts, twisted up weird knots maybe my mind gets twisted up and i know he hasn't been here for a while i haven't said anything i i kind of hope that this whole me having to visit with dr ascot thing

had gone away because i i think you might have noticed pavement pounders he hasn't been in for a while and i certainly wasn't going to raise the alarm i wasn't wandering around asking so it turns out this guy was on some kind of sabbatical over in the Middle East, I guess attending seminars and immersing himself in some type of Buddhist rituals and all these things that are helping to take him to a higher plane. I'm talking about my therapist, my on-air therapist, that the powers that be here at the podcast make me sit down with, and he psychoanalyzes or helps me mentally the powers that be here feel that it helps take the edge off of me

and that I won't be a liability and say something inflammatory, blah, blah, blah. You know the drill. You've been listening to me with this idiot. So sadly, I guess he's back. I have to go into a session with him, and as always I have to do it live on air, which is embarrassing enough. So here we go, gang. Put your hockey helmets on.

It's time for me and Dr. Ascot. Hello, Alland. Oh, God. Holland. Hello. Hello, Holland. I just said hello. Hello, Holland.

I said hello. Stop saying my name. Holland. Stop it. Holland. What are we doing today? And what's with those socks? Holland, they're wonderful socks. Purple and black stripes?

Holland. What are we doing? Why don't you tell me what we're doing, Holland? What does that mean? Well, I am your analyst, Holland. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling? I don't know. I'm in a rut.

excuse me I'm in a rut I'm having one of those little blocks of time where I feel worthless and useless and I don't feel like I mean anything

in the world and I just feel small and like a piece of garbage island well I wouldn't put it like that but yes I feel like meaningless I feel like a dirty chocolate bar wrapper blowing down the street

all and I guess if you want to put it it that way? A pile of steaming horse manure sitting in a field with flies all over at Arland. Well, look, come on. Wait a minute. Well, you said it, Arland. All right, well, you don't have to... Look, Arland, the thing I can tell you about this state of mind is that you have to acknowledge, you have to acknowledge this emptiness. Okay, acknowledge. Not just acknowledge, Arland, but Acknowledge. What does that mean?

Acknowledge. Why are you dragging it out like that? Because that demonstrates the depth of it, Arland. You are very, very deep into a black pit of nothingness. Nothingness? I said nothingness, Arland. I thought I heard you say nothing neth. All right, so I'm in a black pit of nothingness, and I have to acknowledge?

That's excellent, Arland. Try that again. Acknowledge? Excellent, Alan. Yes, you must acknowledge. And how do I do that, Ascot? Holland. How? Oh, Alan, what you have to do is just say to yourself, I am this or I am that, and you will get through it.

You will climb the mountain of emptiness and despair, and you'll run out of things to call yourself and come out the other side. It's an old psychologist trick, Holland. Well, I'd be willing to try anything, I guess. Excellent, Holland, you steaming pile of shit. Excuse me? Holland, the process has begun. Well, you don't have to go there.

Alan, you are a piece of garbage. And I need to hear you say it. Well, I don't know if I want to say... Arlen, acknowledge. Well, what do I... Think of something horrible and tell yourself you are that you. Mooseless, meaningful piece of garbage, Arland. Okay, I'm a old dirty Kleenex in the garbage can.

Excellent, Arlen, keep going. I'm an empty soup can and a garbage dump. Excellent, Arlen. Very worthless. Keep going. Well, I don't know. Arlen, proceed. I'm an old bag of kitchen garland.

garbage full of grapefruit rinds and coffee grinds and old TV dinner boxes. Excellent, all, and excellent acknowledge. I think I think I'm good. I think I feel what you're saying. I feel good. I think maybe that that helped in a weird way. Oh, so now you're telling me my job, are you, you steaming pile of, of rhinoceros afterbirth?

What? I think you heard me, you useless piece of puffed-up diarrhea crab bait. Okay, enough. Don't tell me enough, you stinky, crab-covered piece of onion-flaked cocoa butter shit. Okay, you know what? Now you're just making up stupid things. Garbage bag, crap pussy lips. Okay, out.

Get the hell out. You made this whole thing up. Did I, you demented, bent piece of penis head meat? Get out of here! You idiot! I'm leaving. Salami fuck sandwich, retard dildo breath. Get out!

I really meant the last one, Alland. Get out! What a dillweed. God! Why couldn't he have just stayed over in the Middle East or India or wherever the hell he went? He sounds more demented than ever. What a crackpot. What a nut.

I'd like to punch that guy in the head. Not really, but... Speaking of getting punched in the head, this is a story. This is a creepy, crazy story. I punched myself in the head recently. I'm not kidding. I punched myself in the head, and I don't mean the head between my shoulders. Okay, guys, I punched myself in that other head, the head down below, but between the legs.

And this is the weirdest thing, man. And I was vacationing. I was down in Florida at this place. And I was vacationing. It was nighttime. I was at this great place. And, you know, big king-sized bed and I'm sleeping. It's nighttime, obviously.

You know, the air conditioner's on. And I'm, you know, I'm sleeping in the buff. You know, because that's what you do in Florida, man. You can't have a stitch of clothing on in Florida. In fact, you should be able to walk around. nude there because they got that sick heat right so I'm in this air-conditioned heaven and along with the heat in Florida comes another thing bugs there are a lot of bugs in Florida and it's inevitable you can't get them out of your house they're in your house they're in your hotel they're

in your vacation home they're in your candy store everywhere and especially our old friend the cockroach okay and in Florida In Florida, cockroaches are not the little tiny ones you see in the Midwest, okay? Cockroaches in Florida are tropical, man. These things are literally like, they're probably about two to three inches long. They're really big. Like when you step on them, there's like a pop. There's like a pop and a squirt and there's juices flying everywhere and a crack.

there's no other sound like stepping on a big fat cockroach ugh and uh so here's here's the scenario it's nighttime i'm sleeping in florida crickets are chirping and i'm fast to sleep and for some reason i start to come out of my sleep i'm in that i'm in that daisy hazy dream world state and there's probably a reason because i felt something something like on my leg. And at first, when you come out of that dream state, you're like, am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?

There's something on my leg. And then you go through kind of these stages. It's like driving through the fog, right, in your car. And then slowly, slowly, slowly, things get clearer. So that's what happened to me. I'm waking up and it's becoming clear to me that there really is something on my leg. but I'm still kind of zoned out and it's almost like this it's a giant cockroach and it's almost like

the further up my leg this cockroach gets the more I'm coming out of the fog right so we're kind of moving at the same time it's like picture the cockroach of me driving side by side coming out of the fog except his path of action is up my leg and up my inner thigh and my path of action is like

slowly waking up and getting clarity and so by the time this thing gets like right to my inner thigh like right beside the family jewels now I'm awake I'm in full realization that there's a three inch grimy flea infested

cockroach on a sacred area of my body and you know cockroaches of what 9, 10, 11, 12 legs, so I can feel every leg crawling on my flesh. And as you know, everybody, feel your inner thigh. Your inner thigh is kind of a soft, delicate, sensitive area.

It's not like there's a big muscle there that we use to lift weights and, you know, kick soccer balls and stuff like that. The inner thigh is kind of that soft doughy kind of pudding area, right? it's a very velvet-like surface and so when you feel something on it, it's sensitive. And I don't know if we were made by design for that reason, you know, so that when humans are having an intimate time together, maybe the skin on the inner thigh is a bit softer and a bit more sensitive.

Maybe that's part of our chemistry, our biological makeup. it was all part of the lovemaking game when we were created or we evolved or whatever so anyways and if you don't believe me reach into your inner thigh right now and just kind of touch it with your fingertips wiggle your fingertips on it and you'll see it's a little more

it's a little more soft and touchy feeling and everything else so now picture a three-inch cockroach moving up that in the dark God, right? So here I am, and your first reaction is to hit the damn thing, right? And by the way, at first I didn't know it was a cockroach, because I'm coming out of sleep and I'm in a daze. And it's like two, three in the morning,

so you're coming out of your deepest sleep. And all you feel is legs and movement on your inner thigh, and it's like, what the? So I just start flailing. man i start flail you know how you know when when you get a bug on you or a bee flies by you your reflexes become really fast you like oh what was that you swat at it or you you dart your head to the other side or whatever you your reflexes become like cat like whenever there's a creepy crawley on you or near you you you like move man so that's the same with me suddenly i'm wailing i'm just like

punching i got a clench fist i'm punching you know because i'm having to have to asleep, I kind of forget what's where I'm at, what I'm punching at. I'm not kidding. I punched at this thing. I don't know how many times, and I punched myself right in the nuts. I literally punched my own meatballs with my own fist. Now, fortunately, it was kind of a grazing punch. It wasn't a full-on, like, UFC, you're down for the count kind of punch.

But nonetheless, I felt it. And if you guys have ever been hitting the nuts, there's kind of that lingering after effect. There's that little, oh, that twang of pain that kind of takes forever to go away. So here I go. Beautiful sleep, Florida, crickets chirping, and now all of a sudden I'm in a fight with my testicles.

Bang! Oh, it was wicked. So I'm up out of the band faster than you can yell. Fire! And I see the cockroach. I see the culprit. Now he's sitting in the sheets, these white sheets. So there's this big brown cockroach on top of these, you know, beautiful snow white sheets.

I run into the bathroom. I grab like a Kleenex. I flap open the sheets. the thing's still sitting there and I just grab them and there's that squish. Not in the sheets, in the Kleenex, right? And so now even though physically the ordeal's over, now I'm left with what we call the hebe-jeebies, right? You've got that sensation where the thing's still there.

Your memory keeps replaying the sensation of those bug legs on your inner thigh. You're kind of still like squirming. It's like when you get out of the water and you're cold, you keep shivering. Well, the hebe-jeebies is like you can't kind of shake the memory of what just happened. And you're like, ooh. Oh, oh, ooh. So now I've got to crawl back into the bed. And, of course, now my legs are feeling around for, like, other bugs.

And I'm starting to think, how did a bug get in here? Why is it here? Is there more? And so you're dealing with that aftermath. And, oh, and not only. that, but the worst part, I punched myself and my own nuts. How many guys have ever done that? This could be a first.

Wow. So there you go. Cockroach won Williams Nothing. Although in the end, I squished the crap out of that cockroach. So maybe I did win that round, but I'm scarred. I'm scarred emotionally. I'm scarred physically. and now I sleep in a garbage bag with a Ziploc tie around my neck

so nothing can touch me. It's beautiful and I've lost 75 pounds. Okay, creepy story to end on, but we do have to end. Or maybe not. Maybe Dr. Ascot was creepier than what I just described. I think so. But at any rate, my fine friends, that is the show for today. I hope you had a good time.

Please spray yourself an off before you go to bed tonight. And thank you for being here. Don't forget to check out my new app. The Harland app is available at Harlandapp.com, and it's got all kinds of fun ringtones and Dr. Ascot ringtones and downloads and photo things and all kinds it's a blast i think you'll have a real riot it's a free app you can download it onto your cell phone harland app dot com and please i encourage you to check it out uh make sure you check out my new nicolodean cartoon robot and monster

put it in your uh in your digital recorder robot and monster on nicolode and i do the voice of monster and i'm just telling you this because i really think it's a fun show and you'll dig it. Especially if you have kids, they'll dig it too. Something for the family to watch together. Don't forget to visit harlorems.com where you can visit the store, pick up your merchandise. And if you want to leave any comments or letters,

you can write me at harlemwilms.com. Or if you want to leave a voice message, it might make it on to the show. 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-9-4-3-30 and there you go I'm getting excited I'm heading up to I'm heading out I should say to start shooting my new sitcom called Package Deal we start shooting here in the next week or so and I'm very jazzed. I'll keep you updated on that sitcom.

And there you go. There you go. That is a sitcom. That is a not a sitcom. I'm a podcast. That is a podcast and a half right there. Hang on. I just sprayed my testicles with off.

That's our show, gang. Hope you had a good time. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway, please. We want a show. share the laughter. And that's it. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,

a great big bowl of termite-free chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Thank you.