The Harland Highway - 436: Life Coach DR. DEBBIE THYMER takes calls, space ships.

Episode Date: October 4, 2012

Life coach Dr. Debbie Thymer takes calls from listeners, Harland has a run in with a space craft, an old saying "My eyes are up here", is examined. Wafly waffly waffle cones!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Goodbye, Dr. Jones. Indy! No, it's not Dr. Jones. This isn't Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is probably like Raiders of the Found Harland Highway podcast. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm Harlan Williams. You are here.

You found me. I found you, so let's do something about it. Let's do a podcast. This is the Harland Highway. Thank you for being here, gang. What a treat! And what a show we have today, ma'am. I'm going to be talking about an old saying.

There's an old catchphrase, an old saying that most of us throw around our whole life. It has to do with women's breasts. So you might want to stick around for that. It's going to be a breast talk. Also, I'm going to be talking about my encounter with something from outer space. And this is real. this is real folks i had a run-in with a spacecraft totally 100% real it's freaky it's fun it was so cool uh am i lucky to be alive who knows and then we're going to be taking uh we're going to be visiting

with dr debby timer we're going to be going to her show she's our life coach here at the harland highway and she's going to be taking calls from people out there on the real world but for now we're here in the fake world on the heart The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway.

What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. All right, check this out. You hear that noise? Okay, I was in my house just like a week and a half ago. I'm in my house. I start to hear the sky rumbling with this noise.

I run outside on my front lawn I look up almost right over my head two fighter jets and then all of a sudden this I couldn't believe it I look up the the Endeavor Space Shuttle

huh yeah right in my neighborhood right off my front lawn I mean what am I in outer space How often do you stand in your front lawn, look up, and the space shuttle goes by? This was crazy. This was exciting.

This was something so weird and out of the ordinary. I loved it. I want the space shuttle to go by my house every day. So, you know, I'm sure you saw on the news they retired the space shuttle, the endeavor. And what they did is they piggybacked it on the back of it. one of NASA's big jumbo jets. They piggybacked it to L.A.X, which is the Los Angeles International Airport. I don't know where the X comes from.

Maybe because this town is, like, full of sex. So they're just like, ah, let's just call it L.A.X. Sounds like sex. So they chuck the space shuttle on the back of this 747. And by the way, just can I say something? I don't have the exact weight. But I think the space shuttle weighs approximately the same as, like, you know, 50 giant trucks full of hippopotamuses. Like, this thing weighs, like, you know, 2,800,000 pounds or something ridiculous, okay?

And here it is just riding along on the back of another plane of a jumbo jet. Didn't look like it was having any problem. I'm piggybacking along like a kid at a parade when the father throws their little kid up on their shoulders, and it's just like effortless. So that's what's going on here. We've got a space shuttle piggybacking on the back of a Jumbo jet. And where I'm going with this is next time you're in a plane and you see like fat people getting upboard and the plane's full to the gills, every seat is taken, and you see them loading.

luggage into the underbelly of the plane. They're filling the wings up with gas. Have no fear. I don't think you can put enough weight on a commercial airliner. I mean, if you can piggyback a jumbo jet, I mean a space shuttle on the back of a jumbo jet, the jumbo jet can still take off and land and fly around. if a commercial airliner can do that

I'm not worried about Sally from Cleveland having an extra bag in the overhead bin you know what I mean it's like that is a lot of weight so anyways this thing go I mount my yard I hear the jets I go running out

and here goes this there's a magnificent space shuttle this incredible feat of technology and aerodynamics, and it's been up in outer space, it's had astronauts, it's docked with the space station, who knows what else it's done, right? And it's really, it's life consists of lifting off, going straight up, hitting orbit, rolling in midair, and getting higher into orbit, floating around in space, and then waiting for the weather to clear and coming back down.

So this thing doesn't cover a lot of ground within the area that we can see. This thing doesn't fly around a lot in the lower atmosphere where we live and breathe, okay? It may circle wide to come in for a landing at its prospective Air Force base or whatever it is, but you don't see it flying across,

America and around Australia, I mean, up, up in space, of course, it's covering the whole globe. But down below here, you'd never see that unless you drove to the launch site or the landing site, right? So all of a sudden here in the middle of suburbia, you know, where the most excitement you ever really see is a news chopper going by, I look up and here's the space shuttle. And it's not that high. I mean, it's low. This thing is flying low. You can read the name on the side of it.

I mean, it's low, man. And I'm like, wow. I didn't expect to excite me that much. It was like a thrill. It was like spotting a real famous celebrity or something. And I actually saw a legitimate landing of the space shuttle from one of its missions back, back, I think, I don't know. I think it was in the late 90s.

I believe I saw a space shuttle come back from one of the missions and actually break the sound barrier and coming inland down in Florida. Incredible. But I got to tell you, even though I was there for that, I was closer to the space shuttle at this gosh darn in my front yard than I ever was when I went to the legitimate landing site.

I mean, this thing almost like knocked my bird feet. over man incredible so then what was going on is the retiring the endeavor it's landing at LA sex Los Angeles International Airport and they're going to transport it 12 miles from LAX to the museum in Los Angeles so it's going to have a permanent home there and in order to do that they have to put the space shuttle on the back of a truck or have someone with a razor scooter pull it or get one of those guys from the strongest man in the world competition, put a rope around it and pull it.

So this thing's got to go 12 miles from L.A. Sacks over to the museum. And, I mean, this is a big aircraft. This is a space shuttle, right? So it turns out now they have to cut down a bunch of trees to clear the way for, to make room for the space shuttle. And when I say a bunch of trees, I'm talking almost 700 trees, 800 trees. I mean, they basically had to clear like a forest. And, you know, here's these trees that have been kicking along forever. They're thinking, oh, what's the worst that could happen?

Some drunk driver hits me. Billy Joel hits me. I get hit by lightning. What are the odds? I'm here forever. I'm an L.A. tree, man. L.A. tree. And then all of a sudden, hey, dude, did you hear we're getting cut down?

No way, man. Why? Spaceships coming? Correct me if I'm wrong, dude, but isn't space way up there above us? Yeah, but dude, there's a spaceship coming. It's driving right down this street. Oh, bummer, dude. I never did like this street.

Should have been over on Oak Street. Yeah, but you're a beach nut. Who cares, man? It's a melting pod here in L.A. So a lot of the tree huggers and the environmentalists got all up in arms. And, you know, I can see it. That's a lot of trees. It's not like cutting down a hedge or a couple of trees.

Like, you're talking 800 trees. I can see an environmentalist being upset. You know, it bothers me that these trees had to be cut down. But you got to rationalize, right? You don't look at things in the moment. You look at the far-reaching ramifications of this. And I think a lot of people don't do that in life these days. Look at the far-reaching ramifications.

Okay, A, the shuttle's retired. We're never going back to the shuttle craft, okay? This is a piece of aeronautical human space exploration history. Like, this is a win, win, win. This is a tourist attraction. This is a get right here, okay? For any museum to lay claim that they have an official space shuttle inside their walls, huge. And not only that, but just that it's somewhere safe,

it's preserved for future generations to look at, to touch, to feel. I mean, that's a big thing. That's what you call a once-in-a-lifetime right there, okay? Trees, even though for a tree to mature, can take 30, 40, 50, 60 years, a tree will grow back. Or if needs be, you can plant a more mature tree wherever you wanted to. So instead of getting your lumberjack shorts all in a twist, think about the balance here.

You have a piece of modern apparatus that affected the course of humanity versus some trees that unfortunately had to be cut down, but they will grow back or they will be put back. Okay? It's not like we slaughtered a species. It wasn't like when they wiped out the wild buffaloes of the Great Plains. There's the last one, kill it. Gone forever, right?

It's not like when they smashed the last dodo bird on the head and the thing went into extinction. These are trees. There's trillions, gazillions of trees. They will grow back. And this piece of history is preserved forever. So an exciting day for me. And just to be a little cocky, I'm going to boast about it once more.

Listen to my attitude. Hey, man. So I had a space shuttle, like, fly over my backyard. Like, what the hell do you have? Oh, really? You saw Crow? Oh. Yeah, I guess there's always that. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha bragging rides. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timber and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. Welcome to our show. We're going out all over the country live, and we're going to be talking to people just like you with their problems, with the challenges that face them every day in their lives.

So let's go right away over to the East Coast, and it sounds like we're going to Baltimore, And we have, it sounds like we have Sarah, all the line. Sarah, how are you? Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie. I'm doing really, really well. And it's just an honor to talk to you. I listen to your show all the time.

And I don't mean just once, twice, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, ten, eleven, twelve, 13, 14, 15, 16 times, or 17 or 8. Okay, let's get on with it. Or 19 or 12. Let's get on with it. I mean, I listen to it all the time. Okay, that's excellent. We do have other callers to get to.

So let's get talking to you, and let's see how we can get your life on track. Okay? Oh, that sounds real fun, Dr. Debbie. Okay, let's jump into it right here. And why don't you tell us what's going on in your life? How can Dr. Debbie help you? Well, Dr. Debbie, I'm a little embarrassed. That's okay.

That's why we're here. Well, I went to see my doctor. Yes, okay, child. And, um, um, I don't mean to choke up. Dr. Debbie? It's Dr. Debbie, child, not doctor. I'm sorry, it's just so nervous. I called you doctor instead of doctor.

And I'm correcting you, child. It's Dr. Debbie Thimer. Okay, Dr. Debbie. And what happened is I went to see my doctor? Yes, we've established that. And, um, oh, God. It's okay. Powered through it.

my child. Well, I think he touched me inappropriately. Oh, my goodness. Well, let me just say right out of the gate that this has been an international, if not, a global problem where doctors do take advantage of their patients. They are entrusted to their patients. And in the closed quarters where personal examinations do take place, Many doctors, inappropriately, will touch their patients, and again, this is very sad,

will touch their patients where they shouldn't. Yes, exactly, Dr. Debbie, and I think that's what happened in my skinario. I'm sorry? This is what happened in my skinnerio. What exactly is a skinnerio child? A skinnerio is when, um, Something happens or unfolds, and it's like a scene. You know, like it's a series of events that create a scene and become a skinario.

Okay, I think you mean scenario. Yes, that's it. Scenario. Scenario, child. Scenario, yes. I said it wrong, Dr. Deborah. Okay, don't call me, Deborah. That's what my stepfather called me.

Call me Dr. Debbie. Yes, Dr. Debbie. So it's a scenario? Scenario, you fuck it. That's scenario. Oh, okay. A scenario. And what happened is, um, he asked me to disrode.

Okay. And he asked me to, um, get up on the table and I was completely naked, Dr. Debbie. Oh, my goodness. That is, sounds like a little inappropriate. Yes, I was very uncomfortable, and not to mention I was chilly, and my bottom, or as they say in science journals, my buttocks. Yes, your buttocks. They were very cold when I sat upon the cold leather of the doctor's table, Dr. Debbie. Well, there's nothing we can do about that, child. We usually have an air-conditioned environment.

I understand, Dr. Debbie. Air conditioning means cold. Okay, are you a fucking idiot? I'm sorry? Okay, why don't you continue your story? You were naked, you were on the doctor's examining table. Yes, Dr. Debbie, and then he asked me to spread my wings. Pardon me?

He asked me to spread my wings. What do you mean your wings, child? My legs, but I was thinking of Rod Stewart's. song, Tonight's the Night, and he has a line where he goes, spread your wings and let me come inside. Do you want me to sing it, Dr. Debbie? No, I don't want you to sing it. Maybe I should just so you know where I'm coming from. Uh-huh. Yeah? No, I told you I don't want you to sing it, so don't sing it. So spread your wings and let me come inside because tonight's the night. It's going to be Hey, all right, Dr. Debbie timer.

All right, stop. You're fucking singing. Get to your fucking story, you dumbass fucktard. I'm sorry? So am I. Finish your story. You're laying on your bed, on your,

you're laying on the doctor's table, with your wings, your legs open. You said wings, Dr. Debbie. I meant legs, child. Okay, my legs are wide open, and you can see my axe wound. I'm sorry? My axe wound, Dr. Debbie.

What in the name of Son of Christ is an axe wound? I think you call it a virgina. It's pronounced vagina. My vagina was open, but when I used to go to summer camp, we called it an axe wound. Is that wrong? Ha! Yeah. Stop the goddamn laughing, and stop the fucking retarded phrases.

And then Dr. Debbie, my doctor, and started his fingers into my vagina hole. I'm sorry? He stuffed two of his fingers in my vagina, and he held it open, and then he stuck another finger in from his other hand. Okay, this is a direct violation. This is a breach of doctor-patient trust. We need to get your doctor's name, his address. he is forbidden to touch you there, child.

I am terribly sorry you went through this horrific ordeal. This is a criminal act. This doctor should have his license stripped and he should do jail time. I agree, Dr. Debbie. I couldn't agree more. And he kept putting his fingers up there and he was looking up there with a flashlight.

Oh, my God. Give me the name of your doctor's office, please. Yes, his name's Dr. Stanley Ortiz. Stanley Ortiz. And he is a practiced gynecologist. Okay, a practice guy. I'm sorry of what? He's a practice gyne gynaecologist.

Are you telling me you were at your gynecologist, child? Yes, Dr. Debbie, it was horrible. He put his fingers right in it, right in my Christmas pudding. Ah! Stop fucking laughing. You fucking idiot. You're at your gynecologist. Yes, that's what I said.

Gynecologists, my child, examine women's anatomy. He has every legal right to look up into your vagina. That's what gynaecologist do. Oh, so he was supposed to be sticking his fingers up my Christmas pudding pop? It's not a Christmas pudding pop. My honey bee, honeynest hole? It's called a vagina. I know, but it's still in the locker rooms.

We call it Batman's cave of crumple cake. Okay, you know what? Hang the fuck up. You are an idiot. It sounds like you banged your head over and over in a tool shed door. You were at your goddamn gynecologist. He was giving you an exam. And you...

I know. It was... scary. Okay, hang up on this idiot. Hang up. Dr. Debbie! He! Stop laughing. Hang up. Dr. Debbie, wait till I tell you about what happened when I went to see my anus doctor. Hang up. It's called a proctologist. Hang the fuck up. Dr. Debbie! Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. What the hell was that?

Unbelievable, idiotic mental case. What is this? I said hang up on her. No, don't pick it up. She's gone. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. And not, no, don't let her back. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer.

And I am your life coach. What the hell was that? What in the name of living? hell. Wow. I wouldn't want to be Dr. Debbie. I'll tell you that. Ugh.

Would not want to be her. Poor lady. The dumb ass that she has to deal with. I'm glad I do this podcast and don't have to deal with what she has to deal with. Um, three, four. Um, here's an old saying. Um, have you heard this one? Um, my eyes.

are up here? Hello? And have you ever noticed the women that say my eyes are up here are always the women wearing the most provocative shirt or sweater or lack thereof? Right? It's the woman with the big boobs. It's the woman with the buttons undone right down the cleavage. It's the woman with the semi-see-through bra with the nipples popping through. It's the woman where the breasts are practically smacking you in the face most of the time.

Not always, but, you know, let's face it, ladies. If you're well-endowed, if you have big breasts and you're wearing something tight or revealing, it's very hard not to look at them. It's part of your features. It's part of your physical features. And I'm sorry, but men are wired to look at them. okay that's that's like a primal primitive thing if it wasn't for us being drawn to your your parts that we perceive as sexual there'd be no reproduction there'd be no mating there'd be no no mating rituals

there'd be no courting there'd be no flirting there'd be no nothing would you rather guys just walk up to you and actually look at you in the eyes you put on a tight midriff maybe you dump some some water on it so it's like a see-through t-shirt wet t-shirt contest thing right maybe your buttons are open would you rather we just walk up and look you right in the eye hey how you're doing Cindy um I'm doing good um whoops my button popped well I wouldn't know I'm looking you right in the eye man yeah great eyes great eyes by the way yeah are they crossed or were you born that way um so who do you blame do you blame the guy for for looking at at these protrusions on a woman or uh you know or do you blame the woman for uh accentuating the protrusions

or am i talking about or should i be talking about just like daily interaction with people where there is no provocative dressware. It's just a woman, maybe in an office environment. She's got a semi-normal piece of clothing on, and she's just wandering around doing her thing. And the male boy or one of her co-workers is staring at her breasts, even though they're not popping. Maybe they're just there under the fabric.

They're not necessarily like, oh, going, you know? But yet they've caught the attention of a male person in the vicinity. So is that a bad thing? Is that a violation? I don't know. I guess if someone's standing there drooling, right? And as the woman's talking, he's just like in a hypnotic days,

drool coming out of his mouth. And he's like, yeah, so anyways, I finished those reports, Dave. And he's just like, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Dave? So I don't know. Who's right? Who's wrong here? Would women be upset if we stopped looking at their breasts?

I mean, I think if we, if men altogether, we're, like, too scared to do it because of, you know, all the flak we get, or it was such a, you know, social fauxpaw that men just ruled it out entirely. I guarantee you ladies would be like, ladies would be ripping their tops off and drawing, you know, targets on their breasts with lipstick. You ever seen the logo for Target stores? Women would be drawing that around their nipples,

like rings of red. Here's my breasts. Would somebody of the male persuasion, please just look at my breasts? Because as much as we're wired to look at them, ladies, I'm afraid that you women are wired. It's part of nature. It's part of how you are put together

that you need to breed as much as we do. And so whether you like it or not, you probably stick them out there going, oh, I hope all the men look at these. Oh, I want the men to look at, notice my curves and my humps and my lady lumps. So it becomes a delicate game of give and take and what people's intentions are.

Obviously, if you've got a dumbass standing there drooling and trying to catch a picture with his cell phone or something, all right, that's such a pervert. But ladies, if you catch a dude just having a glance or somehow he's caught in the middle of looking at him and you catch him, you know, maybe cut him a little slack unless it becomes a problem or it's reoccurring or, you know, from our point of view ladies maybe even take it as a compliment you know it's it's like

we're looking at you because we think you're hot we're looking at your breasts because we think they're beautiful they're enjoyable they're sexy is that bad i don't know that can't be bad you know i got to say if a few ladies as i was walking down the hallway said hey harlan nice butt i'd kind of blush a little and in the back of my head i've been Hey, man, I got it going on. Woo, I got me some comb beef, player. I got me some fresh cone beef. Everybody love a little fresh comb beef.

So I don't know, man. I don't know. And speaking of which, you know, there should be a couple of people that can say my eyes are up here. Okay? There should be two groups of living organisms that can say it. Okay, one should be a cyclops, but a cyclop should just keep it singular, not pluralize it. It should be like, oh, my eye is up here. Hello.

Hello, dudes, like my eye is up here, okay? And then the other group of human females that should be allowed to say it are the women that wear these burkas. Have you seen the Afghani women with the full-body burqa? and all they've got is a little slit for their eyes. It looks like a mail slot or it looks like Iron Man with those little square eyes. That's all you can see is their eyes. So they should definitely be able,

no matter what you were looking at. You can be looking at their feet, their elbow, their kneecap. You don't know because they're rolled up in that burqa sleeping bag. They should be able to go, excuse me, my eyes are up here? Yes. Yes, right here in this little slot My eyes are up here

Yes, thank you Thank you very much Hello My eyes are up here, please And if you'd like to post a letter Just stick it in my burqa Just stuff it in the slot And I will take it to the post office

Thank you Just don't cover my eyes Because then I wouldn't be able to see How to get to the post office But my eyes are up here So there you go That's my argument, I guess. There you go.

I did it. I laid it all out. And that brings us right to the end of the show. Holy cracker barrel cheese. Well, let's get to some announcements. I got to tell you about this. The Harland Highway is now being played from a brand new location. It's called All Things Comedy.

Okay? This is a brand new podcast. channel uh you can check it out on the internet all things comedy dot com and uh it is a podcast community of a bunch of uh comedians myself al magigil bill burr ayesha tyler people like that and we're very proud to be part of this and be represented on uh this new uh network and it's a network where you're going to start to be able to see all kinds of comedy stuff. You're going to be able to see our videos and hear our podcasts

and we're going to share our fans around and it's going to be great. So check it out all things comedy. It just launched on Monday like three days ago. And here we go. It's a whole new, you know, venture here for the Harland Highway. I've been flying solo for three years. It's not going to change what I do. It's not going to alter it.

It's just going to offer more, you know, side perks. It's going to offer you exposure to other funny people. It's going to give you a place to go where there's a lot more going on. And there you go. So check it out all things comedy. And that's the new home for the Harlan. Highway and I'm excited about it man so I hope you guys are don't forget my new app is available at harland app.com it's a free app for your cell phone all kinds of fun and go on in there and get

some dr. Debbie ringtones you can get cinnamon boy you can get Dr. Ascott everyone's in there koala noises whatever you want man there's little camera games and video games you can play so please hop on to the Harland app for your cell phone at Harlandapp.com or go to iTunes check it out check out the web page harlo-Williams.com

We have a store in there where you can buy some hilarious merchandise and you can also interact with me yours truly you can write me at Harlowilliams.com Or if you want to leave a phone message always love to hear from the pavement pounders 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-7-39-43-30 and a lot of other cool announcements coming up I have been holding this back but my new comedy special is in the can it is coming out January 15th in 2013 I'm telling you gang it's unlike any stand-up special you've ever seen I promise you.

It is, it is, it is so different from anything you've ever seen, which I'm excited about. I'm a little scared about because whenever you do something different, you're like, do people accept it or do they reject it? Well, I don't care. I take, as you know, I take a lot of chances. And my new comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature will be coming out January 15th.

next year, and we're going to start rolling out some sneak peeks and some photos and stuff like that in the days to come. You'll probably start to see them show up on all things comedy. Oh, I'm so excited and all kinds of stuff. So there you go, gang. That's it. Thank you for being here. We will catch you next time. And please, until then, watch out for space shuttles in your neighborhood.

watch out for your gynecologist. And just remember, my great big bowl of chicken chalman is up here.