The Harland Highway - 437: The QUEEN OF ENGLAND calls in for a 2nd time.

Episode Date: October 8, 2012

For some reason the Queen of England calls in again to discuss the nude photo scandal, a very strange fishing story, when were you last at the doctors office? Tangy tootsie rolls!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, my, my podcasts will never die. Oh, I just died. Hey, gang, welcome. I'm not dead. Very much alive because there's a lot to do today, a lot to talk about. This is the Harland Highway podcast. I am your host, Harland Williams. And what a shoe, what a shoe, what a shoe. we have today we're going to be talking about going to the doctor's office we all have to do it so

you're all going to be able to relate to this not fun um and i think i think we need to talk about it maybe talking about it will help make it easier who knows um and then another uh a command performance by the queen of england it looks like uh we have her on the line again today she's going to be calling in to discuss the scandal, the topless picture scandal. And I don't know why she calls us about it, but I guess she likes this podcast. She must listen to it. So the Queen of England, and she'll be calling in during the podcast. And then a very strange fish story.

You'll never believe what they found inside this fish. And it's going to be creepy, weird, and funny. But that's what it always is. this is the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance

on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong

turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Oh, wow. Welcome me. Welcome me to the Harlando Highway.

Um, hello, hello, everybody. Let's start today's show with a very weird story, man. I know you guys like the weird, and I like it too. So let's sit around the campfire and have a weirdo, communal, wacko story. So how about this? Some dude this summer was doing some wakeboarding in Idaho, okay? He was out on a lake somewhere, wakeboarding around. And I guess his fingers, his hand got wrapped in a, in a,

rope that was uh you know entangled with the with the boat and uh this rope tightened so much and it was going so fast that uh his his fingers like four of his fingers got severed okay and they fell in the lake all right um so that in itself isn't that weird it's kind of tragic but check this out. On September 11th, a man named Nolan Calvin was fishing on the west side of Priest

Lake when he caught a large lake trout. As he was cleaning the fish, he found what appeared to be a severed human finger according to the sheriff's office. And they say they don't know how long

the fish actually retained the finger in its digestive tract. However, It was noted that the finger was in remarkably good condition at the time of recovery. The sheriff was particularly impressed. The guy said, you fall asleep in your bathtub or hot tub, you come out and your fingers are all puckered up and prune-like. And this finger wasn't like that. So apparently they put this finger on ice, this guy that caught the trout with the finger in it. He turned it over to the deputies who were able to get a good enough fingerprint to trace it back to the guy who lost his fingers.

Apparently the fish had swam about eight miles away from the scene with the finger. The sheriff's offered this guy his finger back, but the guy, and this is a quote, he said, like, I'm good. So can you imagine? First of all, losing your fingers, you're out having a little fun, right? That's got to be the worst. It's one thing if you lose your fingers in a bandsaw accident or your plane drops out of the sky. But to lose your fingers doing recreational fun stuff, that's just, that's not, that's just unfair.

So, but worse than that, imagine you're a guy out fishing, right? and you're looking to catch dinner and you catch a nice juicy lake trout and you cut her open and boy you get flipped off how dare you cut me open man boy have the finger dude and there's a human body part and right away you're thinking you know you got to go right to like jaws right

Like, Trout! Right now you're starting to think Are lake trout like, are they man-eaters? Are they piranha? Are they like great white sharks? I can't go swimming in a little lake anymore? The worst I ever had to worry about

was maybe a leach or a bloodsucker, and now I got to worry about speckled trout? Eat me alive, dismembering me piece by piece? Good night, Nellie Frittato, right? And then imagine if the guy, like, somehow, like, missed the finger, and it ended up in his, like, fish stew, or he, you know, somehow it was carved into his fillet, and he ate the guy's finger.

All right, that's probably not very possible, but, oh, pretty creepy, man. What was the trout thinking? It's like, whoa, whoa, dude, look at that. Look at that worm over there, man. It's got like a nail on it. That worm's got like a fingernail on its head, dude. That looks delicious. I got to eat that worm.

So there you go, man. Weird story. I thought I'd start off with that. And is the show going to get weirder from here? Oh, yeah. You know it will. It always does. In fact, as a matter of fact, getting weird.

It looks like Roger's holding up a piece of paper from the sound booth over here. And what's that, Roger? The Queen of England. She's on the phone again. Why? She wants to do a follow-up on the Cape Middleton naked picture scandal. Okay, well, I mean, we had her on before. It's kind of odd she's calling us.

I know. I think it's cool. It's a privilege, but it's weird. All right, put her through. Let's talk to the Queen of England, ladies and gentlemen. Here she is from Buckingham Palace. Uh, hello, your majesty. Hello, how are you today?

Uh, doing... doing great. Glad to have you on the Harland Highway. Yes, excellent to be here. Thank you so very, very, very much. Well, Your Majesty, last time you were here, you know, we're in the middle of this scandal where some paparazzi had taken some inappropriate pictures of Cape Middleton while she was a vacationing in a secluded villa with Prince William. Yes, it was very disturbing and we're quite upset about it still. Things have not settled back into normal, but we have figured out a way to capitalize on the situation.

Well, you know what? You've got to do what you've got to do. You've got to do the damage control. Yes, the situation. Well, okay, yeah, the situation. Would you say it properly, please? I'm sorry? Would you say it properly, please?

What? The situation. That's what I said. You've got to handle the situation. Your inflection's off by quite a bit. It's pronounced situation. Well, a situation. A little better, please.

Your Majesty. Do it, you stupid tinkle face. I'm sorry? That's right. You're my royal tinkle face. Now say it, situation. I'm ordering you, Tinkleface, to say it properly. My name isn't Tinkleface, Your Majesty.

It is because I'm the Queen of England, and I can say whatever I like, Tinkleface, and caca teeth. Cacat teeth. That's right. Now, say it, Situation. All right, situation. Excellent. Now, as we move along through this hall. scandal at the Royal Palace

and Buckingham Palace. Yes, Your Majesty. It must be traumatic. Yes, it is, but we've figured a way to turn it around into our advantage, you say. Okay, well, that's smart. And how are you

working this to your advantage? Well, we've realized that it's sweet Katie has quite an excellent young, virile body. Well, you know, without Yes, I have to agree with you. She is, if you don't mind me saying, Your Majesty, extremely hot.

Yes, she's quite voluptuous. As those pictures reveal, she's rather sexy and has quite the set of Buckingham Bazongos. I'm sorry? Buckingham Banzongos. What are Buckingham Banzongos, your majesty? Well, she lives in Buckingham Palace. Yes. And she has great Banzongos.

Okay. You put it together, and you've got Buckingham Basongos. Okay, settle down, Your Majesty. I can hardly contain myself Buckingham Bazongos. Your Majesty, please. I'm sorry. I've got a little carried away now. I do get excited.

Oh, my goodness. Well, how have you capitalized on the, if I dare quote you, your majesty, the Buckingham Bazongos? Yes, well, what we've decided to do is take Katie and put her in the next month's issue of Hustler magazine. I believe it's American publication. Oh, your majesty, no. We understand that they sometimes show topless pictures,

and we thought with Katie and her wonderful Buckingham Bazongos, that it would be a wonderful opportunity for her to rip them out, so to speak. Well, Your Majesty, they show a lot more than just Bazongos. Oh, well, you know, if we have to show a belly button or whatnot, no harm to. Your Majesty, I got mixed up there. That's okay. That's because you're a tinkle face. Your Majesty, please, you can't put your whatever you call her. Katie Middleton.

In the Hustler magazine. Oh, it doesn't stop there. We've decided to introduce since the magazine. sales went so well, we've decided to introduce a blow-up doll. Excuse me? A blow-up doll, your majesty? Yes, it's called inflator-cate. Inflater-cate. Inflatacate blow-up doll, and you'll have access to the Buckingham Basongos and also the Majesty's muffin.

What? The Majesty's muffin and the Buckingham Banzongos and... And she will be in Hustler magazine showing her Royal Willie, Wenton Dillie, Royal Crackalach. Oh, your majesty, you're going too far. And I understand Prince William will be releasing the Royal Plums and Playgo magazine. It's a windfall for the royal family, you say? Your Majesty, I think you might be going down the wrong track. And I think you might be a fucking tinkle face.

Now, shut your fucking mouth. Well, have your head chopped off, you stupid dildo? Okay, yeah, Roger, I think we got to hang up. Don't hang up on me, you're in face. I will cut your head off faster than a chocolate cabadillo. Hang up on her, Roger. She's gone bazaar. What has she got, all-timers or something?

I do not have old-timers, you snot-bagged, triple-decker flinged, fuck a lock. Fuck a lock. That's right. She's screaming for no reason, Roger. I'm going to pull my teeth out and throw them in your neck like a kung fu karate star. Hang up on her. What in the name of holy hell? Roger.

That she got senile or what? Holy crud. Ladies, that was the Queen of England, ladies and gentlemen. That was, that was, what? Inflaticate? The royal plums is, her majesty's muffin? What the hell? She's gone buzzer. Hustler magazine, Roger? What do you mean you're going to pick it up? What a state of affairs. Roger, go to a commercial, man.

I got to get my, catch my breath here. Weird. Mom? Hmm? I've got to ask you something real personal. Mm-hmm. Do you douche? I sure do.

But I'm only with Massingville, vinegar, and water. Why, Massgal, vinegar, and water? That's what my doctor recommends. For a naturally fresh feeling, only Massengill has two vinegar and water duches. Pure, extra mild, and extra cleansing when you need it. You'll see how clean and fresh Massengel makes. It's what you feel. Nassengel, trusted by more women than any other brand. It's what my doctor recommends.

Hello. Speaking of doctors, what was the last time you went to see your doctor? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any. item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, is there

anything more depressing and nerve-wracking and awful? And I'm not saying doctors are awful. Doctors are amazing, but to have to go see one, I mean, don't you just dread it? Don't you just dread it? You're just waiting

for the bad news. You're waiting to find out how much time you got to live. You're waiting to find out you've got blood cancer. You're just, you always dread the worst things, right? When you go see the doctor. It's like going to see death himself. She's like, oh, great, I got my yearly physical. Great, he's going to find a lump.

Great, I've got leukemia. I just know it. I had a headache about a month ago. I've got leukemia. Here we go. Why am I even going? He's just going to tell me what I already know. Oh, I've got, you know, colon cancer.

Here it comes. Why do I put myself through this? Why do I even go? I know what I got. I got a brain tumor. Right? You just think of all these horrible things. And then you get there and he's like,

well, everything checks out pretty good. You're doing all right. Wait a minute. How's my blood pressure? Excellent. Do I have any tumors? Not a one. uh have i got cancer have i got AIDS if i got SARS none of the above am i a retard yes yes you do have that

um but worse than going to the doctor is i got to say i sometimes you have to go to a specialist you know ear eye nose and throat or uh you know you got a blood work done or you got a you know it's for your feet or it's your ovaries or whatever and uh i had to go to a specialist not too long ago and they were up in a big building it was like a high rise that i'd like you know 30 floors or something oh and i had the underground parking so you get in the underground and you're shuffle to the elevator bank and there's all these other people huddled around and you know that they're sick too or they're they're going for a prognosis or a diagnosis or whatever you want to call it.

Like something's wrong, and some of them just look like hell warmed over, droopy shoulders, sad faces, hair loss, circles under their eyes, you know, that kind of stuff. Or someone's got a limp or a cane or a patch on their eye, and you're just like, oh, God. Oh, I'm in the mix. I've mixed in with all these people. Oh, I'm one of the sick.

I'm one of the wounded. I'm one of the dying. And you just get on the elevator with all these people, right? And they can be fine. You're just imagining all this stuff, right? And the building itself, somehow for the first time you start to notice the smell of a building. You know, any other building you walk in,

unless someone's like cabbage soup, stink, smashes you in the phase. you don't really notice, but when you go on those doctor buildings, those medical buildings, it's like, what's that? Is that antiseptic? What's that formaldehyde?

What is that? Is that blood? Is that the smell of cauterated arteries, cauterized arteries or whatever? I don't know. I'm getting all excited. Oh, and then the elevator smells. It has all those smells.

And then you take that slow rise, up and it seems like, you know, out of all the floors, someone's getting off at every floor. Like, it's always a milk run on that elevator. Ding! On this floor, twisted ankles. Ding. On this floor, twisted colones. Ding.

On this floor, twisted donuts. Ding. And on this floor, twisted arteries because you ate too many twisted donuts. So you take a long hell ride up. you're really depressed, you're thinking the worst, you're dreading it, uh, right? And then you get into the doctor's office, and you're slapped with a whole new array of smells and odors and sounds. And worse than that, you got the waiting room and everyone's sitting around and nobody's happy.

Everyone just looks like a whipped dog that just got pulled out of the rain. You know, they're just sitting there slumped in the chair. really makes eye contact nobody really smiles you see all the doctors and nurses on the other side of the check-in counter they're running back and forth and you're going oh gee look at them they're all healthy they work here they're just at their jobs look at them walk back and forth look at them laughing telling office jokes showing each other their lunches well the souls of the doomed are sitting here on the other side of the counter man waiting to take a journey across the river sticks or whatever it is or the river

Hades or I don't know that river the death paddles across in his death canoe we're all sitting there depressed and thinking the word they're over there giggling flirting sometimes you see the doctors flirting with the nurses and you just like man I remember when I was normal when I was a whole person before I got sick I'm going to be on the other side of that partition, man. Right? So you sit there and you take in all that. And then they go, Mr. Williams?

And they hand you a clipboard. Suddenly you're like a football coach on the sidelines. You got a clipboard in your hand with about 40 pieces of paper, like the playbook. Please fill this out before you come in. Like, oh, okay. and suddenly you're filling out like tons of paperwork, man, page after page with signatures and social security numbers

and legal documents, right? You've got to waive your right to sue them. Suddenly you've got to be a lawyer to go get your swollen ankle checked, right? You've got to be a legal expert to have your deviated septum looked at. I came here for an ailman. I didn't come here to review a four-page legal document that I don't understand the language, too. So there's all that stuff,

and then they ask you about your family history and you're checking stuff off. I felt like I'm in high school with a true or false test. Do you or have you ever had leukemia? Check the box. Do you have cancer? Have you ever had tumors? Did you ever fart?

Did you ever pick your nose? Did you ever drink water? Did you ever do this? I mean check, check, check, check, check, check, check. You know, I came in for a sore back, but, you know, why don't you pencil me in for a sore wrist? Well, I'm here. Because all this paperwork has given me carpal tunnel syndrome.

Thank you. Good Lord. So you do all that, then you go sit back down and you'll wait, wait, wait, wait, and it seems like forever. And then that door opens, Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith runs in. It's like Pavlov's dog, right? You hear that door open, the nurse walks into the waiting room. Mrs. Davidson, Mrs. Davidson.

You're like, oh, you get all excited, and then you get let down again. And then finally, Mr. Williams, off you go. Then they take you down a maze of hallways into the back. You're winding through you. You get these quick little peaks at other people. people in their waiting rooms. There's an old guy slouched over with no shirt on. There's a woman crying.

There's a doctor having sex with a nurse. Wait, wait, go back to that room. And then you get to your own little room, and they sit down in a chair on that paper, on the little table. Sometimes they make you disrobe. Oh. And then you sit there, you go through another round of, like, anxiety. waiting for the doctor to come in. You know, that's like 10, 15 minutes later.

So after all, all this nervousness, all this anxiety, they go, hey, first thing out of the gate, let's take your blood pressure. I mean, you're relaxed, right? Oh, yeah, I'm relaxed. I've just been dealing with the manic depression and the anxiety of coming here for two days. I wasn't able to sleep because I'm so worried.

And getting here, I took the depression ride up in the elevator. I'm nervous enough. and now you're going to take my blood pressure. Yeah, guess what? It's really bad, thanks to this. Bizarre. But then, how about this? They do the exam, and they're like,

you know what? Everything's fine, Mr. Williams, you're great. Ah, la, la, la, la. You're skipping out there. You're joking. What, you want my credit card? You want money? Sure, how much do you want?

Yeah, you know what? Here's a tip. I know you're not supposed to tip, but a dollar. Here, have 400 bucks. I'm great, I'm perfect, my health is fine. La la la la, la, la. I love this elevator back down to the garage. What a wonderful garage.

Oh, I love this building. Oh, I love going to the doctor, right? It's just a total flip-flop. So there you go. There's my perspective on visiting the doctor. I hope it's a lot easier for you than it is for me. I have a feeling at the end of the day we're all pretty much the same, but, oh. Oh, I wish for our health we could be like,

hey, man, have you done your yearly trip to the candy store? Oh, man, I got to book that in. Yeah, I got to book that. Yeah, man, chocolate, candy floss, popcorn, lollipops. Oh, man, I better book that in. I wish we could do that every year. So there you go. Hope this finds you in good health.

and that this show, hopefully we provide you with some laughs, and that helps your state of mental and physical health. Because, you know what, folks, if you don't ever want to go to your doctor again, just come here because laughter is the best medicine. Oh, yeah, yeah. on laughing um it's big of a laugh and here's some ways you can keep the laughter going as i've said on a few of the latest podcast there is a new uh podcast network called all things comedy and you can now uh get the harland highway there you can download it there if you want and it's a great

new internet page it's a podcast community it's kind of like the funnier die for podcasts and it's myself and bill burr and al magical and people like that and uh Jake Johansen great comedians have their podcast up on this new network all things comedy and you can go there and other podcasts, you can see video clips, you can share in all kinds of comedy things that will definitely, hopefully, prolong your life and new outlets for you to find a way to laugh. So check that out, all things comedy.com, and look around. It's brand new. It just launched on October 1st, and we're real excited about it. Also, don't forget my brand new app, my free app, If you have a cell phone, go to harlandapap.com or go to iTunes or anything like that.

And you can download this app for free. And a lot of the goofy characters from the Harland Highway are featured on there. All kinds of fun stuff. Don't forget to visit Harlow Williams.com. Visit our merch store. All kinds of presents for you and gifts to buy. And that's it. man that is it

thank you for being here be happy and I just want to say to all my Canadians listening today is Canadian Thanksgiving believe it or not my American friends Canada's Thanksgiving is earlier than the American

Thanksgiving so today is Canadian Thanksgiving happy Thanksgiving and you know maybe we'll play the Thanksgiving song just as a you know I kind of do that every year as a Thanksgiving shout out.

And so there you go. That's our show today, Canada. Enjoy your turkey and all the trimmons. And the rest of you, hey, a great big bowl of chicken. Chalman, baby. Turkey Govo, go go go go go go go go go get fanged Go go go go go go

Go turkey Go go go go go go go Go get fangs The pilgrim And this flag Roll, roared to Plemma and rock 13 Go-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab-Gab Gap-A Gap-A-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-G

at his feast Young, young, young, eat a bird piece They call turkey Govo, go go go go go go go go go get back Go go go go go go go go Go go go to eat Go go go go go go go go go go get back The kid a glove

And their wives Slice, slice, slice slice it with their knife Take part. Turnpee. Go-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gap-gob-gaw-gaw-ggaw-gggggaw-gggggggwgggwgggwggggbggggbgggggggit-dz-dhh-h-h-ha-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Thank you. Thank you.