The Harland Highway - 438: ARNOLD SWARTZENEGGER interview, FREDDY KRUGER TOO!

Episode Date: October 11, 2012

Arnold Swartzenegger is interviewed on the Parsley Papers, What's hanging in your window? The bird flu, is it back? And Freddy Kruger drops into the studio to read love songs. Whack my tabbacky!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, late December back in... No, no, it's not December, but it is what a show. What a podcast show, okay? Let me tell you what's going on today. Do you have the bird flu? Is that still around? Apparently it is. We are going to check in on the latest status of the bird flu.

Apparently at airports, they still think of... It's being passed around. So we're going to get into that. The Parsley Papers. We will be joining Charles Parsley on the Parsley Papers' chat show. He is interviewing none other than movie star California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new book out called Total Recall. Charles Parsley will be holding Arnold to the fire on the parsley papers.

Also, how's your rear view window? Do you hang stuff in your rear view window? People put all kinds of weird things on their rear view windows. We must discuss. And then lastly, this is weird. Freddie Kruger is coming by the studio to recite love songs. I don't know what the hell this is. This is Rogers' idea.

It's going to get crazy, but it always does. Right here on the Harlan. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. How much is that dog in the window? The one with the waggily tail. How much is that doggy in the window? I do hope that dog is for sale. Yes, windows. Doggy in the window.

But what about your car window? Huh? Your car window, your windshield. Do you notice people driving around and they have stuff in their window hanging from the rearview mirror? Weird things, strange things. I look around.

I pay attention. I notice these things. Have you ever seen people with the holy beads, the rosary beads, the crucifixion of Christ hanging from their rearview mirror? I don't know. That to me is a little morbid. Okay, car accidents are common things. There's hundreds of thousands of fatalities every year and car crashes and you're hanging a dead guy on a cross, front and center in your car? I can't tell if that's protection or if that's an ominous sign of things to come, man.

How about something a little cheeryer? You know, some people hang beads. Some people hang trinkets, good luck charms, little Chinese lanterns. What have I got hanging in mind right now? Right now I have a little tiny stuffed Yoda doll And you press his belly button and he talks He goes, mm, forces with you it is

You are a crap driver you are Well, he doesn't say that, but Yes, he does, I do No, you don't I do, I do, I does You are the worst driver ever, are you stupid? all right enough yours up up yours i said first i did all right enough anyways what else i used to have a rubber monkey hanging from my uh my rearview mirror big rubber monkey with its mouth open i had a what'd i have before yoda

had a blowfish from from the ocean a real blowfish stuffed uh so that thing was that was probably a bad move because those things are like, you know, they're like round balls full of prickles, right? And you know what happens? Whatever you hang anything in your window or put anything in your window, the sun just eats it alive. The sun either bleaches it to death or slowly deteriorates whatever it's made of, the intense heat coming through. So here I have a blowfish hanging on a thread. And he actually did fly off one day, you know, when you're going around a curve or over a speed bump. Everything starts swinging and swaying.

So I've got a blowfish swirling around. It's like remember the ball and chain, the knights of the medieval battlefields used to swing around? They had a big stick with a chain and a round ball with spikes and they'd swing it around and kill guys. That's what I had. I had a blowfish spike ball. hanging on my rearview mirror, swinging and whirling around,

just waiting to fly off and stick in my face, bong. So that one was kind of dumb. What else have I had? I've had a jellyfish. I bought a rubber jellyfish once at a toy store or something. And it looked like a real jellyfish, but it was made out of rubber, and it just hung down and had all the tentacles and stuff. It was kind of cool.

I liked it. The one that disturbs me, though, is these people that have the hanging, the air fresheners, right? The pine tree air fresheners? I don't know what kind of message you're sending to people getting in your car. Hey, can I give you a lift to the store? Yeah, sure, man. Okay, jump in. My car stinks like ass, but don't worry.

I hung up an air freshener. like isn't that a little bit telling like what's the guy driving does he fart a lot does he stink does he not bathe like how many people's cars genuinely really stink and if they do stink shame on you like you got to be doing a lot to make your car stink man but isn't that kind of gross when somebody has it has an air freshener already hanging there They're just advertising that they stink. Hey man, what's with the pine tree air freshener? Oh, I stink, man.

Yeah, I crap my pants. I don't shower. I stink, man. So I don't know. The only other way I've known a car to stink is if someone has a cat or maybe a dog and they pee in the vehicle and you can't get the stink out. Or another bad one is somebody pukes in your car.

and it gets absorbed into the car mats and you can't get it out or even worse if somebody spills milk or a milkshake or something like that and the milk gets into the car mat oh man that car just stinks like sour milk oh you just got a junk that that's a write-off you know when you smash your car into another car and your car just crumbles and the engines crunched you know the lineman's bend the axles are snapped that's called a write-off when you when you spill milk in your car forget it it's done it's a right-off man you can never get that stink out ugh and you try to cover it up right it's the middle of winter your buddy's in the car he's like hey man uh do you think

we could roll up the windows no man it's nice out uh it's 40 below idiot so you know something up if the windows are down and cigarettes can stink up a car um but anyways do you hang stuff from your car window some people have pictures of their family right some people have little toys some people have sports stuff some people have those those dice those fuzzy dice so i don't know maybe you do let me know we'll talk about it maybe we'll psychoanaly you're hanging trinkets at 323739 4330 we'll analyze uh why you're hanging stuff i wonder if anyone's ever committed suicide man i'm bummed out i'm depressed my car smells like sour milk i'm gonna hang myself where could i hang myself let me see um oh wait a minute

wait a minute look at that that rearview mirror looks like a great place do it? Yeah, let me just tie my little stringer and... Yeah. That'd be fun. Have someone you know hanging from your rearview mirror. Just as long as it's not me. HONK! Hello, everybody, I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome. to the Pazley Papers, the exciting news chat show that dares to take on all comers, politicians, sports figures, celebrities, and newsworthy people alike. So sit back, get ready, to hear the questions that no one dares to ask on the Pazley Pazley Papers.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Pazley, and these are the Pazley papers. Today's special guest is movie star, governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, just released a book recently, talking about his life, and there's one chapter here where Mr. Schwarzenegger confesses to having an infinity. to walking up to old ladies and punching them in the face. Mr. Schwarzenegger, welcome to the Paisley papers. And let me ask you right out of the gate, sir. How did the old lady, the last old lady that you punched in the face react? Did you punch her hard, Mr. Schwarzenegger? I inflicted tremendous pain.

When you say tremendous pain, sir, what exactly do you mean? What kind of pain? Unbelievable pain. Punching an old lady in the face. Can you give us the identity of the wrinkled up prune bag you punched in the face, sir? I don't want to go into those details because, like I said, to me, I want to make sure that I don't cause them more pain. I understand, sir. And have you been able to apologize to this old prune bag that you punched in the face?

I apologize many times. I tried many times to her. Yes, and... And I hope that down the line, she will be able to forgive me for that. I mean, punching an old bag in the face. You're a very large man, Mr. Schwarzenegger, and the report says that this woman was 97 years of age, sir. She did not deserve that, I can tell you.

And that's why I felt always terrible about the whole thing. The police report, sir, says that. After you punched her in the face, you picked her up over your hand, put your knee out and slammed her over your knee, cracking her spinal column in five places. You know, as time goes on, I hope that everyone will forgive me for that. Is there anything else you've done to this poor, helpless senior citizen that you'd like to divulge to us right here on the parsley papers? Um, I cannot tell you. Understood, sir. I understand. completely. And now let's switch gears to your political career, Mr. Schwarzenegger, Governor

Schwarzenegger. How do you feel about Hillary Clinton? I've always loved her and from the first moment when I met her and she has been an extraordinary woman, friend, lover, everything. You say you're Hillary Clinton's lover, Mr. Schwarzenegger, but you say you're Hillary Clinton's lover, Mr. Schwarzenegger, You're such a busy man, when do you find time to take Hillary Clinton as your lover? What I mean to say, sir, is with such an act of lifestyle, how long can a lovemaking session to Hillary Clinton last? Uh, it's the midnight, to six in the morning. And are you doing it missionary style, Mr. Schwarzenegger? No.

Are you and Mrs. Clinton doing it doggy style, Mr. Schwarzenagher? Schwarzenegger. That's happening, yes. And was that fun, sir? It was really a lot of strain. I'm sure it was Governor Schwarzenegger, as is life. We want to thank you for spending time with us today. Don't forget to check out Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, his tell-all book,

A Very Sorted Life, An Up and Down Roller Coaster Ride, Total Roald. recall is the name of his book. Check it out. And Mr. Schwarzenegger, I just want to say thank you for being here today on the Pazley papers. Thank you. I think daddy needs to hear that. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Don't throw your back out. Oh, our thanks. Our thanks to Charles Parsley on the Parsley papers. Such provocative in-depth interviews. I don't know how he gets them. I don't know how he gets the scoop, but he gets a man. That is a rare bird that can get to these top celebrities like this. Oh, we love it.

Thank you, Charles. And speaking of birds, remember when that whole bird flu epidemic was going around? And everyone was terrified of getting the bird flu. Well, I was going through an airport recently through the U.S. Customs. And they had a giant poster up as you're walking through that line. um warning about bird flu okay um and i guess it's not as epidemic as it once was a while back but i guess there's still that lingering threat of bird flu and here's the poster they had us read as we're

you know zigzagging through the customs line i'm going to read read it to you and we're going to examine this ridiculous thing okay bird flu big yes yellow letters what you need to know well traveling abroad the chances of catching h5 and one bird flu are very low but it is wise to take the following precautions i don't know why they give us the name like you know it's we don't even really understand bird flu do you think we're going to understand h5 and one hey man i saw you coughing earlier today you think you got the hn51 no i've got the 37 dash 4 uh 2 oh wow you better get to the hospital yeah it's okay my sister's got that one nine or nine or four six two eight so she she's there instead uh so here's what it says is

avoid visiting bird or or poultry farms or markets now i don't know i i think millions and millions of people travel every day i'm willing to bet on that list of travelers maybe Seven out of a million people might go to a chicken farm, right? Avoid close contact with live or dead poultry. So basically, if you're traveling, don't go to KFC. Okay, stay away from KFC, don't go to any restaurants. I mean, there's chicken anywhere. Stay away from Denny's.

Only eat properly handled and cooked poultry or breakfast. poultry products well how do we know does anybody here get up from their seat go back and stand over the chefs and watch them cook your meal wash your hands frequently with soap and water okay that makes sense um now here's where it starts to get really weird remember we're going through the customs line with our suitcases if you are carrying any of the following products declare them A, poultry or other live birds, including pet birds. Okay, I must have flown a million times. I don't know how many times you folks have flown.

Have you ever taken a chicken with you or a rooster or a Thanksgiving turkey, a live one? Have you ever decided to take your cockatoo, your budgie, your parakeet, your macaw? I've never even seen that, let alone heard of it. You must declare processed poultry or game birds, frozen or fresh. Game birds. Yeah, I've got a couple of mallard ducks. In fact, I got a whole flock of Canadian geese. I noticed you noticed my suitcase honking.

Yeah, that's a... That's a flock of Canadian geese. They didn't want to fly south for the winter. So, you know, I put them in the suitcase and I'm taking them down business class to Miami. It really takes the wear and tear off their wings. Ha-h-h-h-h-h-h-hung. Now, this one really got me.

Please declare if you're carrying eggs. Hello? Have you seen the way baggage handlers handle bags? Have you seen the way you have to start? stuff your carry-on bag into that overhead bin. Do you think maybe I'm going to be carrying a dozen eggs or so in that bag? Yeah. Please declare eggs, the house of cards you built, the crystal vase, and, you know, your fragile 112-year-old grandmother.

eggs who the hell would take eggs and then it says other products derived from poultry and other birds such as unprocessed game trophies and feathers so in other words if you've got a taxidermied like ostrich or something or maybe you're an indian chief and you've got your headdress on full of eagle and raven feathers you better let them know if you're going if you're off to the big powwow chief you better leave the headdress at home um so i don't know just just a little ridiculous to me i saw this thing and it made me laugh and i thought i better i better report it to the pavement pounders and see if they laugh so there you go keep your eggs in the fridge

when you're going to Hawaii or Australia or wherever just you know eggs aren't that expensive just order an omelet when you land or something. Capish okay capish oh yes El Aroporto

oh I hate going through the airport it's what? Who's here what who? Freddy Kruger Roger what the hell are you talking

about. Freddy Kruger's in studio and he wants to do what? He's trying to change his image from being a bad guy. So he wanted to come in and read what love songs? He wants to read lyrics from Lionel Richie's Hello to show that he has a softer side. You've got to be kidding me, man. He's here. all right well patch him through in the sabbath i don't want them in here okay good rogers this is ridiculous here we go i guess freddie kruger's here wants to improve to people uh as you know that the uh the

nightmare on elm street franchise is over freddie's trying to break into other movie roles he's having a tough time i guess uh he's kind of uh stereotyped he's typecast and I guess he wants to show a softer, more romantic side so he can start getting some leading man roles in romantic comedies and dramas and things like that. So, okay, why he has to do it here, I don't know. Here's Freddie Kruger reading love song lyrics from Lionel Richie's classic love ballad, hello.

Take it away, I guess. Freddie Krueger I've been alone with you inside my mind In my dreams I've kissed your lips A thousand times I sometimes see you pass Outside my door

Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted, that my arms are open wide. Because you know just what to say, and you know just what to do,

and I want to tell you so much, I love you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I long to see the sunlight in your hair. your hair. I tell you time, time again, how much I can. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow. Hello, I just got to let you know,

because I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you, bitch? you, bitch. Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying, I love you. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Hello? Is it me you're looking for, bitch? Because I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone love you? I'm loving you, bitch.

Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a fucking clue. But let me start by saying I love you when I slash your fucking body into pieces. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How sweet, fresh feet. Hello. Ah, hello, fucker.

Hello, I'm gonna burn you in a furnace, fucker. Ha, ha, ha. Hello. Okay. Okay. What's he doing? Okay. That's enough. Enough. What in the name of God.

Roger. That got kind of like demented and scary and weird. Get him out of here, Kruger. Send him down to the basement to clean out the furnace. I don't think the leading romantic. romantic man role is going to really work out in his favor. Ew. That was kind of vile.

Yeah, I know that's what he does. I've seen the movies, okay? Lionel Richies, hello, by Freddie Kruger. What the hell? This podcast might have just hit a brand new low, Roger. Can you please screen people a little better? I think I have to apologize for that. Ridiculous.

Ridiculous. Let's just move on. Let's clear the air here, man. Let's talk about something a little more positive. I want you to go take a look at all things comedy.com. It's a brand new podcast network that I'm a part of. you can find the Harland Highway under that banner now. And what it is, it's a collective group of comedians with their podcasts.

And we've all kind of come together and united and created this network where we can share comedy and laughter and ideas and videos and videos and podcasts. It's really cool. So check it out. Go to all things comedy. and I think you'll really, really like that. And, you know, it's something new for me.

The Harland Highway has just kind of been hanging out on its own here for its beginnings from its inception. And now we're kind of looping in with this other group of talented folks. And, you know, it doesn't change my show. it all it just uh it just opens it up uh to more exposure and it uh exposes uh all of you guys to uh other uh funny people so uh hope you dig it and uh check it out all things comedy dot com and i think that you know i'm a little weirded out by the whole freddie kruger thing i think we should just close up the uh the show right here yikes try and keep you keep your mind on laughing and by doing that check out harland app.com

that's my new phone app which is absolutely free could go in and get ringtones and all that from all the various characters i do here on the show and uh you know you can listen to the podcast through that and whatnot uh be sure to uh leave us a voice mail if you have something to say 323 739 43330 323739 43330 and don't forget check out harlanwilliams.com my comedy schedule you can go to the store and pick up some fun merchandise uh twitter at harlan williams and uh the official harland williams Facebook page if you want to get on that all kinds of stuff

um this social media thing just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger i'm actually like intimidated by it it's like how many extra ways to get access to each other are we going to have uh you know in five years i mean we're already on so many multiple social media outlets, at what point do you just show up everywhere? It's very peculiar, but hopefully the main drive is to get you to the Harlan Highway and provide you with some entertainment, some laughs, and please tell your friends about the Harlan Highway, and as always, I do appreciate you being here, and I enjoy your letters and your phone messages and that's it that's it uh we will shut the vault down on freddie

crueger right now and uh we will catch you next time and until that you know what's coming chicken chowman baby ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha