The Harland Highway - 439: Comic/actor TOM GREEN is todays special guest.

Episode Date: October 15, 2012

Today I have an in depth talk with Tom Green about his life, loves, regrets, and the future. It's a sweet sweet session of silliness!! Blunk blat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right. Welcome, everybody. Everyone and their body. Specifically your ears. I'm going to need your ears on your body so you can hear this podcast. A great show today. I have a very special guest. He's been on the podcast before. He's an innovator. He's a madman. He's a madman. a now a stand-up comedian which we're going to talk to him about um he's controversial he's edgy he's a nutbag but we love him uh my buddy tom green uh from the tom green show from the movie road trip uh from all the other places you've seen him and heard him uh funny interesting crazy guy all day here on the harland highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, everybody, this is Harland Williams. Dorme, Voo. Dorm. Anyways, what a great show we have

today. This wildcat, this wildcat prowls the jungle. He walks amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night. there he is you can hear him he's prowling right now he's a he's a he's a movie star he's a tv star he's written books he's uh he's now doing stand-up comedy and we're going to talk about that he's got a brand new stand-up comedy special that's tearing it up but we're going to go through all of it today ladies and fernertle flurgens please welcome my buddy tom grain is here yeah great to be here this exciting thanks for having me on the show

Harlan, this is exciting. Are you jazzed? I am really jazzed. Yeah, I'm really excited to be here. This is your time, as Kurt Russell once said. Yeah. This is your time. Oh, yeah.

I like Kurt Russell. You do? Have you ever met him? I mean, you're a Hollywood guy. You've been around town. No, I never met him, but just like him. Just like his movies. I like it.

What's your favorite Kurt Russell movie? Breakdown. The one where he breaks. Oh, and his wife gets stolen from like a dirty, flea-infested truck stop? Yeah. I like that. Because it reminds me a lot of, you know, you go out in these road trips and you're driving out across the country and you're in the middle of Arizona or Arkansas or Georgia or somewhere.

And you always have that sort of nightmare scenario where you break down and get kidnapped by a bunch of hillbillies. Yeah, that would be weird. It happens. Does it really happen in real life? They do hillbillies? Aren't they busy like making moonshine? Like, do they have time for a big, you know, hostage-taking situation? They drink the moonshine.

Then they go out and they get hog wild. That moonshine gets them all hog wild up. You hear about the guy in the news today who got eaten by his own hogs. Get out. A farmer in Oregon went out to feed his hogs. And then basically he didn't come back for an hour. So his brother went out to see what was going on. And all they found were his dentures.

Come on. They ate the entire body, bones and everything. So the hogs went hog wild? They went hog wild, just like those hillbillies out in Arkansas. But the difference is the hogs didn't ask for ransom. They just went past the kidnapping and just ate them. Their ransom was the meal. Wow.

That was the farmer, yeah. Wow, man. I think maybe he might have had a heart attack or something. Oh, okay. So they didn't like attack them like a pack of wild lions. No, well, maybe they did. Maybe they did. Hogs are dangerous.

Remember in Hannibal, the movie Hannibal? Yeah, yeah. He fed all the people that he killed. Remember the pig farmer up in British Columbia who killed all the people and the hogs that fed all those prostitutes to all the hogs? Got all those prostitutes. Yeah. The prostitute hog feed, yeah. Hog feeding guy up there.

And the movie Snatch. Remember Snatch? They had the hogs. They fed the bad guys to the hogs. Wow, I had no. Now I'm scared. of bacon, thanks to you. I was going to have bacon and eggs tomorrow,

but screw it. I'm scared. I think bacon's the reason why they're so angry in the first place. Yeah, that's it. It's payback time, Vyaches. Yeah. Wow. But absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, my favorite, I think my favorite Kurt Russell movie is probably escape from New York and the thing. Oh, yeah. Remember those ones? The original thing. Well, the original thing was a black and white horror movie. Oh, the thing. The thing.

They remade the thing with Kurt Russell. The second thing. The second one, and then they did a third one last year, and it was like a lemon. Yeah, the thing is actually my favorite Kurt Russell movie. Oh, it is? Yeah, now that you mention it. Oh, so Breakdown just got pushed. It's a second, yeah.

I wonder if the thing... And I actually have not seen Escape from New York. Oh, come on. Yeah, can you believe that? Oh, dude. That's one of those movies I haven't seen. And another movie I also haven't seen, and I know we've talked about this. What?

It's a very similar, veined movie. what in a similar vein yeah is a blade runner oh my god haven't seen it i get jealous when i hear this because when i hear people that haven't seen a great movie i'm like god i wish there was a movie a great movie that i haven't seen yeah no you get to see i get to see it for the first time i'm saving it the problem is i've seen i'm such a movie junkie i've seen everything man yeah but you're lucky there's a whole library of stuff you haven't seen a lot of glaring holes in my filmography. Dude. Dude, dude, dude.

Well, let's move on from Kurt Russell, because I want to ask you Tom Zachary Green, and I don't even know if that's your middle name, but it feels right when I say it. Absolutely, it is my middle name. Does it sound right? Yeah, it is my middle name. Okay, Tom Zachary Green. And look, dude,

people, a lot of people don't know this about you, and I want to spread the word. All right. Because Tom is now doing, he's been doing it for about two years now. Yeah. Tom was like, you know what? I've acted. I've written books. I've done TV. I've always love stand-up comedy. I've been a little nervous about doing it. Screw it. And as we know, Tom, you're a pretty fearless guy. And Tom, I'm going to do stand-up comedy. You went into it, full-bore. And now you're doing a full-on tour. You've got a full-on, like, special on showtime.

Tell us about your stand-up comedy deal. Well, it's exciting. You know, as you know, I mean, I have dove into this full force, you know, you were actually, you know, suggesting that I do it for years, you would say, hey, why don't you go do this? And I, now, to, you know, when I first met you, I was 15 years old,

doing the amateur night in Canada. Yeah, so you'd done it a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. You stepped away from it for decades. Amateur night when I was 15, 16 years old. And that's a lot different from going up and being the headliner in front of a sold-out house. There's not as much pressure. It was the dream was to

to go on tour and be on the road and just be out there traveling around one man band rolling into town. Going hog wild going hog wild. Getting on the mic. Party time rock and roll. Beers women throwing themselves at you.

Oh really? Well you know what it's like on the road Harlan. Oh man I've been hit by many women. Oh you know what it's like. It hurts you and the fat ones out you. It's outrageous out there. It's hog wild. But no I I'm having a great time and it's so much fun and it's been really exciting because just

to be able to do something so independent has been exciting because when I did the show on MTV or when we made Freddy got fingered there was always somebody that comes in at some point and says no you can't do that no you can't do that you've got to change that

and then you have to get in a big argument about it and then you win some of the arguments and you lose some of the arguments And you sort of measure the success of the project by how many arguments you won versus how many you lost. Whereas here, there's not really any arguments. It's just, if this is what I want to talk about, right, and it's a lot of fun. I love it. And the audiences have been great, and everyone's been laughing and having a good time.

And it sort of started, you know, I was doing my web show in my house like this for years, which you did so many times. Raspberry Eyes, of course. Yeah, the Tom Green Show. Yeah, one of the highlights of the web show over the years. Raspberry Eyes. It was good, glad to hear it. And, you know, you get the emails from people, and they say, hey, when are you going to come out to Chicago and do a show for us? Yeah.

Now I get to go to Chicago every year. Yeah, you're going all over the country. Yeah, all over the place. Where can people go and look at your schedule and find out when you're coming to their town? So everybody, everybody go to tomgreen.com and just click on tour, and there's a tour schedule there. I'm doing it, and it's fun, and I got my new camera. I just picked up a great new video camera, and I'm going to start shooting a lot. of documentary videos and films as I'm traveling around and talking to people and stuff

and putting them on my website so I'm enjoying it you're great like that Tom just so you know we've traveled around we've hung out we've been on adventures together and Tom is like he's fearless like he's like this videographer guy like you'll just be driving with Tom and he'll just see something bizarre or weird that catches his eye slam the car in park run out and just start filming stuff. You're like a rattlesnake or something. Like a rattlesnake or a weird parade with people in costumes or an old lady carrying like water on her head or just bizarre stuff.

So people can look forward to that kind of stuff. And also you folks should know, you got to go out and see Tom tour because I've seen them many times. We've actually done some shows together. And Tom is just like manic on stage. He's got great material, but his energy is high. he's running around he's he's quiet he's loud he's the thing about tom as a stand-up is you kind of don't know what you're going to get it's a little unpredictable and and to me that's that's

part of the fun of stand-up it makes a little dangerous and uh it's not you know even though tom has great material you don't get the impression that he's just standing there memorizing stuff and it's a great show to watch oh thanks man that means a lot coming from you harland you know I grew up, you know, as a huge fan of yours first before we got to become friends. Yeah, that's right. I was actually just thinking about it while I was driving up to your house here, you know, driving up through these windy cany canyons of Hollywood thinking. It's just kind of amazing. First of all, we live pretty close to one another.

That's right. How amazing is this, that, you know, wasn't that long ago, I was a little 15-year-old kid going down to the comedy club to see Harlan Williams every time he came to town in Ottawa, Ottawa, Canada, yuck-yx. Maple Buds. In the basement of the Beacon Arms Hotel on Albert Street. Oh, God. And now here we are. Here we are.

20-something-odd years later. Unreal. And I'm driving up to your house and we're buddies and we're making videos and podcasts. We're still making them laugh, dude. Yeah, it's amazing. That's our lot in life. Two Canadian jerrys. Oh, jerrys.

We actually did a video called the two jerrys that you can find on YouTube. Lost juries. Is it still on YouTube? Oh, yeah. We did this stupid video where it's me and Tom. We won't tell you much about it, but it's two guys that wash up on a beach in their business suits. And that's all I'm going to say.

Watch it. We hope you like it. Yeah, Lost juries on YouTube. Now, you get a lot of fans, and I know, I know you're like me, like every comedian fans like to come up after the show and shake your hand and do pictures. and what do you do if a fan gets too aggressive? I know you had a situation where a guy got overly aggressive

and you might not want to talk about it or you might, but there was that one guy that kind of, it sounded like he assaulted you. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, I don't want to have any copycats out there, but I did have a guy who came up with his video camera and he said he wanted to take a picture, but then he actually kind of sort of did a little one. Let's just call it a happy slapping incident, okay?

Yeah. you, because I don't really want any copycats of this particular thing out there. But it was sort of a shocking thing. He thought he was trying to be funny. I think it could sort of be tied back to this sort of shock comedy kind of thing that's out there, you know, with the, you know, so, you know, it was a little bit of a thing. But that doesn't happen very much. That happened one time. And, you know, actually, generally people are really just super nice and everybody's really.

really, um, super, uh, you know, super cool after the show. But I, like, the thing that's weird is like, some people just like, I don't think they realize how close they're standing to you, you know, when people stand really close to you. And they're talking to you. And they're real, they're kind of, it's exciting after the show. People are having fun. They've had a lot to drink. Everybody's, it's been a party. And then all of a sudden they're half an inch away from your face. And they're talking really loud and there's a spit coming out of their face. Oh, God. flying into your eyes and stuff and into your mouth and you just know you're picking up like gonorrhea

and everything flying into your mouth so i had a guy this last weekend i was doing a gig and this guy came out couldn't have been nicer yeah the nicest guy you know you've ever seen yeah and through no fault of his own just i guess his lot in life this guy had the breath of like that outhouse in shindler's list. Remember when the kid was standing down? I mean, this guy had Schindler's list outhouse breath. It was like, it literally could have killed hundreds of thousands

of people. It was just awful. Yeah, absolutely. I almost like had the dry heaves. And he was like, hey, how are you doing a great show? You want to say something, but then you don't know how they're going to take it. So you just sit there and you breathe it all in. But I mean, these are

few and far between. Yeah, these are the exception to the rule. I'd say the thing that I really like a lot about touring is after the show, you know, I go out and sell my t-shirts and stuff. Yeah. But it's kind of fun to just hang out after and, you know, everybody comes out and you sell your t-shirts and you have some beers and, you know, you take pictures for everybody's evil Facebook pages. Yeah. The pictures get sent to you on your Twitter and then your girlfriend sees it on Twitter

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Twizzlers, keep the fun going. Yeah, it's an odd thing, you know, the Twitter and, you know, with everybody's camera now. Like when you do the show, everybody has a cell phone. Yeah. So, of course, after the show, every single member of the audience, of course, has to get a photo. And then you take your photo, which is fun to do. But then you're sort of like being tracked as you go around the country. country. Like if you go in a restaurant, everybody's got, and I don't want to be the guy that

complains about, oh, no, too, and people want to take a picture with me. What a fucking asshole am I to say that. Of course, it's an awesome thing, you know, people, but it's just getting a little weird, I think, these days, because people, sometimes that, you know, sometimes like you'll be in the airport and some old lady you'll want to come take a picture of me. And I'm looking at her and going, like, I know you actually probably fucking hate me. Like, you probably of the person that hates Freddy Got Fingered. You watch Freddy Got Fingered. You hated it.

Hate your gods. You know, you can't stand me, but now you want to put a picture on your fucking Facebook page. Yeah, that's just like hypocritical, man. Yeah, but I always am happy to take a picture with everybody because it is a lot of fun, you know, to sort of track that sort of electronic digital information that's just spreading around the world like a virus. What about this? You ever get the people that? they want to take a picture with you and you think, oh, nice, a picture

and all of a sudden they hand you something like the magazine they're publishing or a shirt with their logo on it or they try to get you to do like a free, can we take a picture together? Oh, and by the way, would you hold up this logo from my steak shop? Yeah, or it's a video and they want you to talk

about something. Yeah, and they try to get you to, they try to trick you into doing a free endorsement for them. Exactly. So those people, I'm going to say it for the record, we do not like those people, but everyone else. Always happy to take pictures with people. You know, it's a nice thing to be able to tour around the world and have people be positive. And that's, I think, what's the most fun is just the positive energy that is always in the air.

It's gotten to the point where, you know, I really get a real adrenaline rush out of doing the shows. It's a real nice thing. I can tell. I can tell you love it. It's way more fun than making the television show or making movies to me. Wow, that's big. Yeah, well, you're not. It's that freedom.

I think it's all that freedom. Yeah, it is. It is. And it's just sort of like that actual, I get nervous before I go on stage, right? Sure, which is good, yeah. It's like nerves that build up, and then it's a release, and it's like endorphins. Yeah, yeah. You know, I don't get that sitting around in a trailer waiting to go out and say some line that somebody wrote, you know.

In a movie, yeah. You know, it just isn't as much of fun. So it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool, yeah. Cool. Now, you obviously people know you from, you know, the days of the Tom Green show and all your pranks and everything. Has there ever been a prank that's lodged in your memory in your head that you regretted? Like, was there one prank that sticks out where you go, man, if I can take that one back, I think I might have gone too far. I shouldn't have painted that guy's car. I shouldn't have thrown the pig's head on that old. ladies porch or is there one out there that in the whole history of your amazing pranks where you're just like oh man there's just one what's what's one the thing is is there's probably hundreds of them that i should regret yeah right you know and i think i think the writing process for us was let's think of something that you should regret let's think of something that you shouldn't do right and do it. Nice. And that

was sort of, sort of created a sort of a scenario where now here I am, I'm a bit older, I look back at some of this stuff, I do say what the hell was I thinking. But I also know what I was thinking. Sure. You know, what I was thinking was

I'm living in my parents' basement. I'm making peanut buster parfays for a living. And if nobody watches my public access show, like I'm, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. You worked at Gary Queen? Yeah, I did work at Derek Queen.

Absolutely. Scrumpt Dilley, it's just Tom Green. So there is a desperation in those early videos, which I find is actually kind of, you know, a little bit outrageous and fun to watch for me now, looking back at it, but I also don't really feel any different now than I did then, you know. I feel the same way that you have to do something

sometimes a little bit extreme to get a reaction. Even more so in this day and age, you know, you know, with there's being so much stuff out there. But, you know, I don't really like to have regrets. Right. Because if I start regretting one thing, I'll regret the other thing. But what I mean is, like, was there one that it was like an accident? Like, you had all the good intention.

It was funny. It was good. And you accidentally, like, broken old ladies cane or something. And you're like, oh, man, like maybe things went awry. Or is there one in your head that you just were like, oh, God, I wish that didn't happen? Well, you know, I'll actually elaborate on, not an accident, but like things that I did. For instance, sucking milk out of cows udders was something that I used to do semi-regularly. I would do it in different costumes, dressed as Captain Kirk, dressed as a police officer, dressed as a fireman, dressed as a spaceman.

Captain Kirk, sucking a cow water. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, we were thinking, okay, this is, this is outrageous. Here we are. We got a Rogers cable, public access cable. able show in Canada. They're not looking at what we're shooting. They're letting us air it. We know we're going to air this thing and people

are going to be tuning in on the local station and see some guy sucking on an udder. I must suck. The cow utter, Mr. Spock. Squirt and milk all over his face and just thinking, what the hell are we watching? So, at the time, being young and excited to shock people

and wake people out of their sort of daily routine, it was hilarious. Then you cut to a few years later and you know I'm having a little bit of success the show's on MTV and then you get guys like Seth MacFarlane from the family guy writing into their show you know some horrible scene where you know he made me on the family guy I'm Tom Green is anybody like me yet you know and it's a character of me sucking a cow's utter and it's like it's like I'm a big asshole because I'm

doing exactly what he fucking does on the family guy every day which is do shocking stuff I thought it was sort of a hypocritical thing that he did. And I sit there and I go, man, like, that's a bummer because I like the family guy. Yeah. And now they're sort of burning me for doing something that they sort of do. Yeah. And then you get people coming up to you calling you an asshole because you suck milk out of a cow's hutter. It's like, I was just a kid fucking around making a crazy show.

How am I an asshole? First of all, it was funny to me. It pissed off my dad. My dad still pissed off about it. My dad looks at me, he's like, how could you? You know, the one thing I wish you didn't do, Tom, was suck milk out of that cows. So it's your dad's regret, not yours. Yeah, because I think my dad thinks of it like I'm sucking a dick or something like that.

Oh, my God. It's not a dick. Well, he's probably pissed because he went to the store every week and bought fresh milk in a jug. And here you are sucking a real cow. And he's like, Tom, there's milk in the fridge. It's an utter. It's a breast. What did it feel like sucking a...

Like sucking a boob. Is that what it feels like, like a long old lady's stretched out boob? stretched out boob. Oh, is there, there's no, wow, it's like a weaner boob. No, no, but, you know, it's soft, right, though? It's soft, and it's soft, and it's delicious. Do you get a lot of milk? Oh, you get a lot of milk?

Did you make, like, little calf noises and stuff? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's delicious, delicious. Oh, yeah. Wow. Delicious treat. Did a cow ever, like, kick you for sucking, or did the cows like that you suck their tips? That's something you have to worry about when you're sucking a cow's utter. You got to kind of angle yourself bright. I've sulked out of over five different cows, six different cows in three different countries.

Wow, dude. It's like eye hop. You know, I'm a worldwide cow sucker, yeah. I'm a cow utter sucker. And no kicks. You never got a boot or did it? I always was very aware. I would have my arm sort of like blocking, protecting my head, yeah.

Now, cows are indiscriminately. Kids out there, if you're thinking of doing this, I wouldn't recommend it. But if you do, use your arm to protect your face. And cows indiscriminately. poo at whim. Like, they could be walking, they can be laying down, they could be staring at the sky. Cows,

they could be eating, they just poo. It's like their asses that are on automatic. Now, well, you were sucking on a cow, did one ever drop a loaf? They never dropped a loaf. Okay. They would have fallen on the back. But I'm just saying, the indignity of you

trying to get a simple dairy treat. Down in all fours. And the cow drops a crap in the middle of your delicious, sucking. Never happened. Okay. And let me just clarify my little rant and rave there. My little ranting and raving there.

About the family guy making fun of me for doing that. Yeah. When you ask me if I have any regrets, I don't, but not regarding sort of any of the shocking material anyways, maybe in my personal life and other areas I have regrets. It sounded like your dad had the regret. But I would say that I think it's more, I was very surprised. by the reaction of media at a certain point.

You know, I was on TV, on MTV, and everyone was watching the show, and it was fun. And then all of a sudden there was this reaction that was, hey, let's slam this guy because he's being a little too weird for our liking. And I was surprised by that reaction, I have to admit, because I was always sort of under the impression that people, the media were kind of media literate enough to go, okay, that's crazy, but he's obviously trying to be crazy. And I think a lot of people just perceived that maybe I was actually

crazy, which I sometimes sit back, you know, I'm being serious now, but I sometimes sit back and I say to myself, wow, you know, would I have done everything differently, knowing now what I know about the media and the way people perceive things, would I've done anything differently and I'm glad I don't I didn't know what I know now because I probably would have been afraid to try so much of that stuff and I would have just been kind of doing this sort of show

that didn't have any real you know it was an adventurous show you know I went up there wouldn't have had the guts that that show took a lot of guts and whether people like it or don't like it it it takes courage to be a fearless

prankster like that and to do the stuff you did I mean that's what made to show a success, people would sit there and go, wow, look at this guy, I could never do that. Even if I was drunk, I couldn't do that. And this guy just like walking into places and talking to people, and he's doing stuff unimaginable. And it's the thing that, you know, all of our dads probably said to us when we were growing up, you know, you can please some of the people and all of the people, half of the, what are some of the people,

some of the, but it's really true. It's amazing you realize when you get older, not everyone's going to react. everything exactly the same way. So even though it's hilarious to you, it's hilarious to your friends, it's hilarious to millions of people, it's hilarious to tens of millions of people, hundreds of million people. There's still going to be another 10 million people that think you're crazy, that hate it, that think you're trying too hard, that you're desperate, that you know, because they just want to take people down.

But that's the price of being an innovator. So when you sit there and think about those people all day, you go, oh, yeah, I kind of regret doing that because those fucking douchebags that don't like anything fucking don't like me and I can't regret things because of those people. No, you can't and one thing I know about you being your friend sometimes you let that stuff stack

up against you and I think your fans and anyone listening would say let it go because I think people that are artists and creative they have to follow that drive to do things in life and damned be the consequences damned be the critics

damn be the naysairs you know what I mean? I Look at it like, it's like stand-up comedy. You're up on stage and you're up there alone in a whole room full of strangers, okay? And some jackass from the back of the room goes, you suck. And everyone hears it and the room goes quiet. And what I do in my head is like, you know what, dude, I'm the guy up here. You can say I suck sitting in the shadows, in the darkness with the masses. but I'm the guy up here with my head on the chopping block

and I'm going to keep going and if you think I suck too bad let's see what happens when you get up here when you have the balls to get up here and do this and you know what sir you will never do it so I suck uh-uh I'm the guy here guess what buddy you suck because you're hiding in the shadows and you don't have any courage

I think that's the most interesting thing about really having thrown myself into stand-up the last few years and doing as many shows as I've been doing, you sort of pick something up. I learned something every night, right? Yeah. And the first year of doing it, you didn't know how to deal with people in the audience who are having a hard time dealing with me. Yeah. Because, you know, when you look out at the audience, and it's the same thing that I mentioned about critics and things, it's alpha male personalities sometimes have a hard time being in the same room with one another.

Sure. Alpha dogs. They want the limelight. Yeah. So it's really sometimes odd when you're doing your show and you're murdering it and everybody's keeled over and laughter, but you see one dude in the center of the room who looks like he's kind of like not too happy about things because not everyone's scowling.

He's gowling. He's jealous. And you can tell you. And that's probably the guy that yells you suck, too. Yeah, exactly, exactly. He's got issues. So it's fun because, you know, I've gotten good at ignoring those kinds of people. By the way, why Captain Kirk just to go back?

Why did Captain Kirk need to suck on a cow? Honestly, it's just because we had the costume. I love, I never, I've got to see that. I know you have it. Oh, it's on YouTube. It's all on YouTube. I'm going to find it. Go find Captain Kirk's, like, you know, how often did he ever come to Earth?

And he comes to Earth on one of his many missions and decides to get under a cow and suck it. And I'm not really even doing an impression of William Chatton or anything. No, you're just dressed like him. I just had the costume and I wouldn't suck the utter off. I love it. All right, let's switch gears. If two dolphins stuck their blowholes together, what would happen? You've got to know.

I mean, who else can I ask? Herpes. Oh, really? Yeah, I think dolphin herpes. Oh, really? Yeah, that's something they got to watch out for. Right. So if they rub the.

blow holes together Dolph herps Yeah it happens It's no Oh Yeah I was You ever watched a lot of those

Jacques Cousteau videos There's a few of them Where they cover that No way So two dolphins Rubbs Rubes When you go scuba diving

You gotta watch dolphins They'll come up And try to have sex With scuba divers often And there's a lot of cases Of people getting Dolph herps Really

Human beings pick it up Wow From the So in the middle Of the sexual intercourse They're like Come up and Yeah

They start making like dolphin sounds? Yeah, but it's the blowhole you got to watch. Yeah, wow. See, I knew you knew. I knew you knew. Well, let's move on to something a little more metaphysical, if you will. And this is a real question. If you could perform a miracle, like the way, you know, maybe Jesus did or, you know, anyone,

what would a miracle be that you could perform? I know that's a big question. It's a weird question, but I know there's an answer in you somewhere. Well, let me give you an honest answer. Yeah. I wish, if we can perform a miracle right now, I think it would be nice to find a way to have people not react negatively towards one another. The things we talk about just now, the guy yelling you suck from the back of the room.

That on a much grander scale is why we have war in this world. People are jealous of one another. Oh, that's our land. This is my land. Oh, that was our land first. We want the, oh, you got all the oil. We want that oil. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I just think if people could just, if people could just relax a little bit and not worry so much about who's got what and just peace on earth, that would be the miracle. Interesting. Now, let me ask you this, and I'm not disagreeing with you, but let me be the devil's advocate. Would life be a little bit, maybe. boring if there was no conflict? Would it get tedious? Would it be okay? Well, I'd look at it like this. I think probably we wouldn't have to pay about 50% as many taxes as we paid because we wouldn't have to pay for this military industrial complex to pay for all these weapons that

costs trillions and trillions of dollars so we can defend ourselves against a bunch of bullshit. So I just think that would be a nice grand sweeping miracle. Now, if I want to tone it down a bit and say something... It's a good one, by the way. I like that one. I didn't want to say something selfish, like, you know, oh, yeah, threesomes every night with big-breasted horrors, you know? Well, that's kind of peaceful.

You know, that could be under the umbrella. I want to have all I can eat roast beef sandwiches for the rest of my life. That's a good miracle. I mean, you know, I was going to say something like that. Well, Jesus made wine and bread. Free lifetime season tickets to the Dodgers behind the dugout. You know, I don't know. I didn't want to say something selfish, so I thought I'd go for a sort of a...

That's a... Well, that's a nice... A grander vision. That's a nice miracle. I knew there had to be one in there. It's a nice, a very nice one. Let's do our quickie, and this is just a yes or no answer. Okay.

Can old people make cotton candy in their underpants? Yes or no? Can old people make cotton candy in their underpants? Wild. I don't know. wild stuff. That's a yes or no? I would have to say that I'm a firm believer that anything is possible, so I'll say yes to that.

That's correct. You got it correct. Now, Tom is a UFO guy. We've got to talk about this. You have a fascination with UFOs. You believe in them, right? Or is that changed? I know there was a while there when we were hanging out where you were like, you were like UFO crazy.

I'm not 100% sure that. an alien spacecraft crashed at Roswell. I'm not 100% sure that the Phoenix lights were a spaceship or some military test thing. I'm not 100% sure if these sightings that we see or have videotapes of or these phenomenon that have been widely reported are real. Do I believe that there's life on other planets? Yes. Do I believe that they're capable of visiting the Earth? I believe that with all the possibilities out there and the, you know, the fact that we're discovering new animals on earth every year.

They just discovered a monkey in the Sudan or in the Congo, a new species of monkey, a big monkey, a monkey, like a giant monkey, like the size of a chimpanzee. Really? What's it called? It's called, I don't know. It's on you. It's on CNN. When was this? This was literally last week. I don't know about it yet. A new species of monkey. It looks like a human being, first of all.

Whoa. It's got big eyes, it's got a long nose. It looks more human than any monkey. Maybe some dirty midgets got away from a circus or something. It could be a dirty midget. Wow. It could be. The dirty midget monkey.

It looks like something that's incredible. Whoa. What's it called? It's just, I'm not sure I forget. Wow. Well, can we just call it the dirty midgettie for now? First of all, they didn't have a name for it, right? because they hadn't discovered it.

Well, let's name it. Are you comfortable with Dirty Midgett Monkey? I think they named it. I think the guy that discovered it, named it. Well, it's so fresh, we could start a new name. I mean, look, if all of your listeners start to maybe lobby the National Wildlife Foundation or something like that. Audubon Society. Are you comfortable with Dirty Midgett Monkey?

I am. Well, I don't know. I mean, is that politically correct? No. No. That's why I'm comfortable with it. Well, let's go with that. Yeah.

Dirty midgett monkey monkey monkey monkey. monkey. But, you know, I guess the point I'm making is, the point I'm trying to make is that if we can have animals on this planet that we're discovering every week, then clearly it's possible that they have like ships that come in and look at us.

If they have the ability to travel from another galaxy, then I'm sure they have the ability to come visit our planet without being spotted, some sort of cloaking device. Yeah, cloaking. Sort of, you know, like they have in Star Trek. Maybe if they're wearing a cloaking device, maybe when we do accidentally see a UFO or maybe not by accident,

maybe they're just flashing us. Maybe they opened the cloak, flashed us, and then closed the cloak up again. Yeah, I would like that. But I'm not one of these people that is believes every theory that they have an alien in Area 51 or that they have the ship or any of that stuff.

I don't say I absolutely 100, percent think that's impossible. Yeah. But I also... I agree, by the way. I'll tell you something that I did once when I was doing my show on MTV is we went to Roswell, New Mexico,

where the crash happened. And we went and we found some old timers from the Air Force who actually were there, said they were there. Yeah. When the ship crashed. And could you verify that they were there? They claimed to have been there.

Okay. So we found these old timers. Everyone in the town, they've been talking about it, and these people have believed it for, for years and we got an interview with them and basically I went and met with this you know again this was not something that I regret but this is one of those ones that you feel kind of a little bit bad about oh here we go I think we might have found it okay here we go he was this nice old man and he was in his 80s and you didn't suck his utter did you no no no no I interviewed him about

the Roswell crash and he was one of the guys that said that he saw the alien in the hangar when they took it to the hangar and the staging area so they have the actual hanger is there on the runway at roswell okay the largest air strip in the world that's not really being used like this is this massive air strip in roswell they use it for FedEx uses it to train their pilots and stuff like that it's an empty runway with a couple of hangers where supposedly they had the aliens after the Roswell crash okay so we took this old timer this man this 80 old man down to the hangar to walk through the hangar with us

and describe what he saw. Yeah. But when we walked into the hangar, we had pre-staged a fake alien with a bunch of guys in lab coats. Oh, man. And so when we walked into the hangar, I basically as a young, sort of

hyperactive and excitable prankster, started freaking out as if I thought it was real. Oh my God, it's an alien! An alien! And the guy, of course, realized I was taking the piss out of him and mocking him and got really angry and stormed away. And then I

of course followed him with the camera and it was sort of this situation that was a little bit uncomfortable. But what I took away from it, I guess after all it said and done, is that that 80 year old man truly, truly did believe that

he saw an alien in that hangar because he wasn't fucking around. He was mad at me for mocking something that has been something that was a very real experience for him for his entire life. It's like a lot of people that believe they've seen Sasquatch. Yeah. It ruins their lives

because they see the Sasquatch, they tell people, and then everyone thinks they're nuts. So... Wow, interesting. I did not get the impression that this man was nuts. I did not get the impression that this man was making something up. I got the impression that the guy saw something and believed it, and that

sort of makes me think, wow, that's pretty interesting. Maybe there was something there. And what's very interesting to me is that it took us a real roundabout way. We went into the topic of outer space to actually hit on your one regret from your pranks. Yeah. We found it. And interestingly enough, it ties together with Captain Kirk, another space name. I don't really regret it because it was pretty funny.

No, you regret it, I can tell. Yeah, a little bit, maybe. Well, that's awesome. By the way, if I had a UFO, you know those big round disks that they look gigantic? Yeah. Big round flat disk. You know what I'd do? I'd fly to Seattle, Washington.

I'd hover right over that tall space needle that they have, and I'd lower the hull of my round disc on the space needle and start scratching. Take us to your leader. Take us to your leader, take us to your leader, and take us to your leader, and by the way, I regret saying midget monkey, new midget monkey. No, I don't regret it. I'm just kidding. I was trying to reel that. Here's one for you, buddy, since, you know, we've touched on some funny stuff, some serious stuff. If you might want to take this down funny street or serious street,

what year will World War III start and who's going to win it? And I don't even know who it's between. You're going to give us the answers. What year do you think it'll start? World War III. Well, a lot of people say that at the end of the world is 2012, and that's the year we're in right now. The Mayans are some of those people, the 2012.

Right, but I'm talking about World War III instigated by the government to be. I think it's very possible that World War III could start this year. Just by the way, everybody's talking about Iran right now and what's happening with nuclear proliferation. They're worried about Iran getting a bomb, and maybe Israel may strike them unilaterally. And, yeah, it could be the beginning of World War III. Wow.

I think we're on the cusp of some very, you know... World War III. shocking times. You know, you have Russia and China could potentially back up Iran and then it would be the Western world against the Eastern world. Who wins? Can you hazard a guess?

I think it's possible that you know, everybody loses this next big one, you know? Good answer. Yeah, good answer. So a total annihilation of the human race? Yeah, and then 2012 prophecy comes true. The minds were right. And then 2013,

the Amish survived, start that all up. Yeah, and they just sort of make their butter with their butter churns. So Earth becomes Earth-ish, the Amish takeover Earth, and it becomes Earth-ish. Yeah, that would be nice. Well, there's a show, there's a lot of shows on TV about that scenario. Like, there's this new one on NBC about that. I like those kinds of end-of-the-world doomsday kind of stories.

But the only problem with that NBC one, now, it looks like everyone just washed their hair with fructo. and they're wearing clothes from the gap and they're all well manicured and they look like they just ate at a three-course meal at Ruth Chris Steaka what they forgot to put in there is the you know

the desperation factor I watched it last night for the first time and I felt the same way it's like every TV show now about the end of the world in a lot of ways they're all the same lost you know it's about the character It's a soap opera with some weird, you know, they had that one last year that I liked that got canceled

about everybody going back into the dinosaur. Oh, yeah, yeah. And again, that was the whole cast. It was models. Yeah, exactly. Like, nobody's ugly. It's like all these people that survive holocausts and doomsday scenarios,

they all just happen to be super, uber good-looking and could model for a futuristic magazine. Yeah, Hollywood, man. Well, hey, man. And let's wrap things up with that, with the end of the world. And before we go, Tom, we want you to tell the folks one more time about your special, your stand-up comedy special, what it's called and where they can see it and plug your website. It's airing on Showtime right now.

It's been airing for the last month or so. It's still airing. What's it called? It's called Tom Green Live, which is also the name of my Twitter address, Tom Green Live. So add me on Twitter. And come see me on the road. my tour dates on my website and um what's your website tom green dot com there you go at tom green live yeah and um and they should probably do it quick because uh you know as you said this is the end

of the world this is our last year watch it watch it quick hopefully the world won't end before the DVD comes out in february and uh yeah and uh thanks for having me on the show harland this has been awesome man you kidding we love tom green we love having uh tommy tea and the teabirds here that's the nickname i gave them Jerry. We got to give a Jerry. Ready on three, let's give them a Jerry. Three, two, one.

Jerry. Watch the lost jerrys on YouTube. Is that what it's called? Lost juries. The lost juries. I think you guys will enjoy it. It's a crazy video that Tom and I did on a secret, secluded, tropical island. And it's a lot of fun.

Tom, you're always a lot of fun. love you buddy thanks for being on the harland highway watch tom's special uh go to tom's website you got to see him do stand-up comedy he's gonna knock you on your ass he's so good and uh until next time everybody chicken chalmane baby jerry Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.