The Harland Highway - 441: Listener PHONE CALLS, Krinky McKringles the leprechaun

Episode Date: October 22, 2012

Today we play your phone calls and answer your questions, a very strange parcel is delivered, Krinky McKingles the leprechaun drops by for a visit. Sweet nose dip!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a Fabule show. Just Fabule. It's going to be Fabule all day. Hey, it's me, Harlow Williams here. You are on the Harlan Highway. And great show today, but I say that every day. Vundaba show, great Wundabha, Fabulee show. Today, we are going to be taking your phone messages, not all of them.

but a lot of them people who call in to the Harland hotline here at the highway 323739 4330 we're going to be getting to some of your phone messages today we're going to be talking about a strange screw-up that happened from Amazon some guy ordered something and got something completely different pretty wild and then lastly I hate it I hate this guy. Crinky McRingles, the leprechaun, is dropping by. And this guy, he's like, Timmy the Campfire Kid and Cinnamon Boy, I'll roll into one. He's probably more irritating than those guys put together. So sit back, put your curly-tip leopardon boots on, and let's get ready to rock and roll, right down, the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Okay, here we go. Here's a little mix-up. Let's start the show off with a little mix-up that happened. How many of you, Y-O-U, have ordered things from Amazon? Amazon.com. I think most of us have I would think in this day and age and if you haven't ordered something

it's fun, it's quick, it's easy, it comes to your house real quick but in this case a little bit strange some guy ordered a TV okay some guy who lives in Washington

D.C. of all places he ordered a 39-inch flat screen TV all right um and uh he got to his apartment and uh he saw a box at his apartment and it was kind of small and he thought oh they must have sent me a stand a TV stand for my big flat screen TV and the TV's coming in the next box okay so he takes it inside opens his box and what does he find a black semi-automatic sig-sour sig-716 machine gun a military style a sight assault rifle what the hell can you imagine that you order a TV and you get an assault rifle I mean the only upside to that is you're definitely going to get your

I mean, when you go to return that rifle, it's like, uh, hey man, uh, give me my TV. Sir, we'll send it to you when it's, oh my God, it's got a gun. Oh my God, get him a goddamn TV. It's got a gun. No, wait, you sent me this gun. Oh, Christ, here, what else do you want? You want money? You want a, you want a bigger TV? You want, what can we get you? Anything you want, sir, just put down the gun. No, no, you sent me this gun. Yes, sir, we get it. So that's the only upside, but that's a startling visual image. You know, especially if you're not a gun carrier or a gun owner. A lot of people, guns are a very foreign thing. You know, a lot of people own guns, but many people have never even handled a gun or been up close to a gun.

and, you know, when you grow up and you live in a gun culture and you see it on TV and in the movies and you hear about the violence and the gangland stuff and the drive-bys, I don't know if you've ever held a gun, but it's a weird feeling. The first time you hold a gun is an odd sensation because you're really holding an instrument of death.

You know, you can paint it any picture you want, oh, I go to the target practice, or, oh, I'm in a gun club. We shoot at bottles and whatnot. Yeah, well, the guys who invented guns didn't invent them for shooting at bottles and whatnot, okay? They were created to end life. They were created to point at people and point at animals and end their lives. So there's a real stigma to a gun. And so when you hold it in your hand,

It's kind of a weird, creepy feel, and it can give you a feeling of, oh, wow, I'm not comfortable with this. But then if you've ever shot a gun, it kind of flips the page. And all of a sudden you're like, man, I'm invincible. Oh, man, look at this. This is like an extension of me. This is the power I've always wanted, man. This is the, I ain't going to take no more bullshit power I've always wanted, man.

Anybody want to miss around with me? Come on, who wants a piece of me? Sir, you're at the firing range, do you mind? Oh, sorry. Yeah, everyone else has a gun, too. Oh. So this really, this little rant isn't really working. No, sir, everyone could just turn around and shoot the living shit out of you immediately.

So it's not really working. Really not the environment to pull your power trips, sir. Okay, I guess I'll just get back to shooting bottles. Yes, I actually. excellent and your flies down oh um so anyways it's kind of hilarious that uh this guy ordered such a common product you know an everyday household product like a flat screen tv and gets a weapon of death instead um the guy said he goes he goes i was confused as to how that kind of mix up could happen. It surprised me to see how easy it would be for a gun to show up on someone's

doorstep. Not just a gun, but an assault weapon. Yeah, I guess that is kind of when you think about it, right? Hey man, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to order some from Amazon. Oh, what do you get in the new Harry Potter book, some shoes, maybe a new fishing rod. No, I'm going to get an Uzi? Excuse me? Uzi. Excuse me. An Uzi machine gun, man. It'll be here tomorrow. It's like a 24-hour ship. You're in the mood for killing, or?

No, I'm going to go. I got a new fishing rod coming. I'm going to go fishing. Well, I could come with you and shoot your fish, dude. If you can wait till tomorrow, man. No, I'm good. Okay, well, if I had my gun now, I'd make you go with me. yeah well you don't have it yet yeah but tomorrow man i'm gonna i'm gonna start ordering you around i gotta go okay your flies down uh so there you go man funny story i thought and uh you know if you have

any stories like that you want to share if uh if you received something wonky in the mail you can share with uh with us here at the harland highway 323 739 4 330 or you can write me at Harland Highway, no, at Harland, Harlan Williams.com. Yeah, that's it. And speaking of phone calls, why don't we jump in and take a couple right effing now? Yeah, okay, man, your flies down. Oh, ow. I just want a TV.

I just want to watch, I just want to watch my soap operas. Hey, Harland, I just listened to your episode about the female lounge singer recording the heavy metal songs, and I just got one thing to say, and that's... Has he lost his mind? Is he dead for, is he blind? He was turned to steal in a big of magnetic field. Iron Man lives again. Oh, God. All right, not only can girls not sing heavy metal songs. I talked about how these Taylor Swift types are remaking classics like Sweet Child of Mine and turning them into coffee house lounge songs.

Well, now because of this caller, guys are forbidden to take heavy metal songs, Black Sabbath's Iron Man, and redo them with an effeminate twist on the end, okay? Just ain't going to happen. Iron Man lives again. Hey, Harlan. This is Dean. Love your podcast. Do not enjoy when you start talking about religion, the very rare times that you do.

But I just wanted to let you know that I actually agree with you this time. and that whole story about Jesus dying on the cross to save our sins has never made a lick of sense to me even from the time I was four years old and some adult told me that for the first time I was like what how does that work so anyway keep up the good work love you and uh and uh whatever Okay, thank you. Yeah, you're right. I don't talk about religion a lot, and I get it. Religion is like politics. You're always going to have people that are so impassioned on one side or the other.

And so you never win when you talk about these topics, religion or politics. But the thing is, I bring them up. I tell you my feelings, and even if you don't agree with it, hopefully it's provocative. of maybe it gives you a little food for thought. Maybe it sways your opinion. Maybe it reinforces the opinion you already held. But it's kind of fun. And I was talking about how Jesus gave up his son for our sins

and how it just seemed a little drastic. And now getting this phone call, it made me think even more. It's like, wait a minute. You know, giving up his son. You know, I think they used the term sacrificed his son for our sins, but I don't know. Sacrifice, hanging a guy up on a cross. I mean, is there a blurry line between sacrifice and murder? Or killing?

Maybe murder's too hard of a word, but killing? I mean, if you sacrifice somebody, aren't you kind of sentencing them to their death? Are you not responsible for their death? And then I got to go, well, wait a minute. Wasn't one of God's Ten Commandments that he etched in stone, thou shalt not kill? Where does the word sacrifice fit in? If I sacrifice my best buddy or sacrifice my brother or sister with an oozy,

oh, no, it's not murder. That was a sacrifice. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, I'm. I won't be doing jail time for that. That's a good old sacrifice, yeah. So it's interesting.

Thou shalt not kill, but thou shalt sacrifice thy own son for thy sins. It gets a little muddy in the water there. I'm glad you enjoyed the topic, the conversation, and, you know, even though Jesus may be dead. Iron man lives again. Whatever. Hey, Harlan, I doubt this will go on the show because I just want to know if you're ever going to play any more venues or shows or gigs or whatever you can mean to call them

because I haven't seen you for a long time, and I think you're very funny. So fucking come back to San Jose and tell me if you're doing shows or something. Although I don't listen to your show, so I don't hear the fucking answer. But, hey, be funny. Huh? What the heck? What the...

That was kind of bizarre. That was like a non-entity, that thing. Here's a guy calling me who doesn't listen to my show, but yet he's calling me, asking me for information about future upcoming events, but doesn't listen to the show. Although I don't listen to your show, so I don't hear the fucking answer.

Okay, well, here's the answer that you'll never hear. Yeah, I do tons of shows. I think I kind of tell you guys at the end of ever, podcast. If you want to see me live, go to my website, harlowe Williams.com, click on the stand-up comedy schedule, and you can see where I'm going to be. I also plug my shows every time I'm coming to your town or city. I plug it about two, three weeks out. And had you been listening to the show, buddy, and I know you don't listen to it, you would have known that I was in San Diego just in the springtime at the American Comedy Co.

A great comedy club right downtown in the Gaslight District. So here's what you got to do, buddy. Go to my website, harlomwilliams.com, click on my stand-up comedy schedule. You'll see where I'm at. And I guess I won't see you at one of my shows soon. Because you didn't hear this. And you won't be at my show. Oh, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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Hey, Nick from Canada here. I just checked my pantry, found some lusurgic acid after listening to your podcast, and I don't know where the fuck I'm at. All I can think about is turkey legs spinning on the wall, and they spin me right round. Harlan, you spin me right around, man. You're like the glue after 50 years of apartheid. Keep fighting in the free world, Mr. Peace and Chicken Grease. Keep writing those dig jokes.

What can I say? Look, when someone's right to right, okay? You know, come on. I barely have anything to say that, except I do, I spin people around like a turkey lag on a wall, okay? Thank you for somebody finally saying it out loud. God bless you. Thanksgiving stuffing angel.

Whatever. Hey, Harlan, this is Terry. is it true that you are considered for the part of Harry and Dun & Dumber? Could you talk about that a little bit? Thanks a lot. Yes, I guess I could talk about that a little bit. Terry, let's talk about Harry. I think I've mentioned this before somewhere over the years doing the podcast,

but yeah, the Dumb and Dumber movie when it first went out for casting, I was right up there in the contention for the co-lead with Jim Carrey. I think obviously Jeff Daniels went on to get that role, and I guess that's Harry you're talking about. I think Jim's name was Lloyd Christmas or something. It's been a long time since I've seen the movie. So, yeah, the process went like this. I went in for the first time to meet with the Farley brothers.

a new kid in town in Hollywood. I'd never done a movie. I'd never shot a movie before. Didn't really know how the auditioning process worked. So when I went in to do my reading, you know, my agent said, yeah, you're going to see the directors of this new movie, dumb and dumber. And when I said, going to see, not being experienced in the acting game,

I just thought they wanted to do a sit-down and meet and greet and shoot the breeze. So I walk in, I sit down, Peter and Bobby Farrelly are sitting there, and we do our, you know, the little, uh, hello's, how are you, that type of thing. And then it just kind of goes silent. And, uh, and then Peter Farley goes, uh, so do you have your script? And I look at him and all seriousness, I go, what, what script? And he goes, the script for the movie. I go, I didn't bring a script.

He goes, well, you're going to audition. you should have your script and I go oh I didn't know we were like we were like reading and auditioning and stuff and I swear to God he looked at his brother Bobby and he just goes

this is our guy this is our other guy because he thought I was so dumb and I guess I was dumb I was naive I'd never like I said I'd never done this before and I just was so real I couldn't have acted any more dumb because it was real.

And so these guys loved me immediately. They thought it was an idiot. And so it was kind of a weird process. And I'm going to try and recount everything as accurately as I can. But what happened is I was this new kid in town. Jim Carrey was still kind of just the funny guy on, living color he hadn't blown up yet and so i don't think they were that worried about having like a big star next to jim i think they were like ah this is jim's movie he'll carry it so uh from what i

could tell from the ferley brothers and my agents at the time is that i was right in there i was actually their choice for a beat for a minute i was their choice and uh and and then the uh dumb and Dumber movie got stalled a little bit because from what I remember, Jim Carrey and I had the same manager at the time. And I remember my manager telling me that they wanted to offer Jim 300 grand to be the star of Dumb and Dumber. And my manager, he's a very savvy guy, very smart manager, he turned them down. They said no to 300. grand. And so the guy's making the movie, I think it was

New Line or some other company, American movie company or something like that. They said, okay, well then forget it. And I think the movie kind of went on hold for a little bit. And then all of a sudden, in between that time, Ace Ventura came out. And all of

sudden, boom, Jim went from being the funny guy on a little late-night TV show to suddenly, here's a guy that could command the box office and make big dollars, in essence, he became a star. And so what happened is, all of a sudden, they said, all right, we want Jim back for dumb and dumber. And what happened is instead of the 300 grand, they had asked for a million bucks,

a million bucks for Jim to be the star of Dumb. dumb and dumber during the first round but then they said no as i told you so now they wanted jim back because he was box office heat and they said all right we'll pay you the million bucks and my manager again being a savvy guy said no now we want five million and they ended up paying them five million bucks and that that kind of started the whole thing in hollywood where uh big stars were jumping up to the five million mark up until then it was like a million for a movie was like really big or 2 million, but my manager at the time and Jim Carrey kind of kicked off that whole $5 million a movie, and then it just kept climbing up to 10 and 15 and 20 and

got crazy, and now it's kind of leveled off again. So the landscape changed at that point. What happened is all of a sudden they had a star on their hands, and I think they wanted to up the ante for dumb and dumber. All of a sudden, you know, they wanted to see bigger, more polished people. And obviously, people that probably won't even look at Dumb and Dumber months ago were now going, oh, here's this new fresh comedian, he's hot, his name's Jim Carrey, I want some of the heat. So now big names were starting to audition.

And through the auditioning process, they kept me in it. They had me go and read with Jim a couple of times, you know. We went to a little theater and me and Jim Red together on stage and they kept me in the loop. I guess they couldn't shake how stupid I was, right? So they're like, look, let's audition these big names, but let's just keep that dumb guy in our back pocket. So that's what they did. And then they got right down to the wire, and I was still in the mix.

And I remember, I think it was the last day of auditioning. auditions, it was me and Jeff Daniels were the last two guys, as far as I know, that we're sitting out in the lobby. We are sitting together, me and Jeff Daniels, and we were going in and out. They were testing. Me and Jim, me and Jeff, we're going in and out of this little theater to read with Jim Carrey. And here I am, a guy who had never done a movie, never worked with big actors, you know, and I'm a new kid in town.

and I'm sitting beside Jeff Daniels, an Oscar-nominated actor who's done like 90 movies. And I kind of figured, you know, the writing was on the wall. I'm not, even though I'm an idiot, I'm not a dummy. And I kind of, I didn't let Jeff intimidate me. I went in and did my thing. I gave it my all, but I kind of had an idea that, you know, the new inexperienced kid up against Jeff Daniels probably wasn't going to get the gig. and that's how it turned out.

But I guess the guys liked me so much at the end. They said, hey, man, you know, we can't give you the lead part with Jim, but would you like to do this part? Would you like to play the motorcycle cop? And I said, you bet your sweet ass I would. And that's how it led to me being in the movie. And yes, I think I don't want to be presumptuous, but according to all the events that happened,

I would say that I was very much in the running to play Harry, Terry. So I hope that answers your question. And a good question it is. And we'll leave it there. Let's get to our next and final caller here on the Harland Highway Message Center. Whatever. Hey, Arlen, this is Tim from New York. And I was recently over in Ireland and stuff on a family trip, and there's a lot of us over there.

So we had this house just out in the Irish countryside. And I remember that I woke up in the morning one day, bright and early, and I was out in the field and stuff with my cup of coffee. Just looking over the rolling hills and at all the cows that were out there grazing in the pasture. And just as the sun was beginning to break across the horizons, there was a single thought that entered my mind. And it was, you're going down, think you want to drown. So I would like to say thank you for brainwashing me on my vacation to Ireland. Keep up the good work and talk to you later. Oh, boy.

Okay, no problem. You're welcome. Look, I did an experiment with you guys a couple of months ago. I did a podcast where I warned you right at the beginning. I was going to brainwash you. And what I did is I played a little clip, a little ditty from a song. And I told you that at some point, whether it be hours away, days away, months away, you would hum or sing this little ditty to yourself

because I played it all through the podcast. I peppered it through and I basically brainwashed you. I put it into your head. So here's this guy sitting in the middle of Ireland, you know, watching the sunrise and the brainwashing kicked in. I told you it could happen anywhere, any time. And here's what he started humming slash singing. Which is a lot different than how you actually sung it.

You're going down, think you want to drown. It's more like... But you were more like, you know, you're all around it type of thing, which was good. The main thing is the brainwashing work, wouldn't you say? Excuse me? And, uh, I, uh, okay, well, one more time, just, uh, so we're, we're clear that you're brainwashed. There you go. The brainwashing continues, and that's the end of our phone calls.

Thank you, everybody so much. And as for my last caller, uh, you know, sitting out in the, the, uh, emerald fields of Ireland, he should be happy that being brainwashed with that song was the only thing that happened to him because, you know, it could have been worse. You could have been sitting in that Irish field with your coffee watching the mists fade off the horizon and all of a sudden that idiot, that leprechaun,

Kringy McRingle shows up. And all of a sudden, what? Aye, my name is Crinky McRingled. Shivermy timbers, Sclarkty, darkty, Flarkty, darky, schlarkty, darky, schlarkty, darky. Yes, yes. I know who you are. Thank you very much.

Shiver me timbers. Stop with the shiver me timbers. Sclarkty, darky. And stop with the schlarky, florky stuff. Can you just have a normal conversation? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you mention me names. I thought I'd best drop by and say

howdy-do-de-do-de? What do you'm talking about? Well, I thought I'd come by and give you an old Irish greeting, don't you know? Shiverty-crackledy, crinkledy-flunkledy? What are you talking about an Irish greeting? Well, if you're going to be sitting in my fields, drinking coffee and watching the Irish mist

rise over the horizon, I thought I should drop by and say, How'd he do? How d'y-d-d-die? shiver me timber shrivelty d what the hell was that that's how we greet each other when we're leprechauns well i'm not a leprecon none of my listeners are lepracons so drop the goofy message how do i do how doy d shiverby timber shivledy d stop it can you not just say hello i just did that was not a hello that was like like a charm or something stupid I just said hello to you you stupid bastard ya

don't call me names cranky just say hello and quickly say goodbye get out of here how doy do howdy dee d shiver me timbers

chivaldy d no just say hello that's not how lepricons do their greetings shiver me timbers clarkdy dark shivoldy gork Flork-D-Dork-D-D-Shibel-D-T-Stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Stalky-Dorky-Darky! Stop it! Say goodbye. How d'I-do, how-de-de-de-D? Shiverby timber, shibble-de-dee. That was not goodbye. That was your hello.

Oh, so now you're acknowledging that's my hello. Okay, you win. Now say goodbye, leprechaun style. Well, this would be my pleasure. No, it would be my pleasure. Goodbye, crinky. Fuck you, you stupid son of a fuck. Shiver me, clarky, darky.

Should have seen that one coming. Well, you asked for my traditional Irish goodbye. Get out of here. So long, you stupid fuck. Get out. God. I'm not even going to say anything, man. I'm just going to let let it go.

Please go away. Ah, that's it. That's our show. God, what a way to end with that moron. I hope you had a good time. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. Get them on board for the goofiness. And don't forget, as I said, if you want a phone in and leave a message,

you are totally entitled to do that. 323-739-4-3-30. And maybe you'll end up. up on the show. Who knows? Who knows if you want to be? I mean, why would you want to lose friends and family

when they find out you've been on the Harlan Highway? Yuck! Or maybe that's exactly what you want. Hmm, interesting. Check out Harlowwilliams.com and check out the store there where you can pick up stuff.

Find out my stand-up comedy schedule. I won't be doing many gigs for a while because I'm starting to shoot this sitcom and the sitcom is going to go right through into January. But if you're up in the Vancouver area, I will be dropping in a lot to a comedy club called The Mix, which is right downtown. I will be dropping in unannounced to do a lot of guest spots,

working on new material and, you know, keeping the chops. so watch out for that don't forget the Harland app for your cell phone it's a free app and it's got all kinds of these nutty characters on there you can get it at Harlandapp.com or at iTunes the app store

so check that out what else what else can I tell you you know I'm going to keep mentioning this because I'm excited about it my brand new comedy special will be coming out uh january 15th it's called harland williams a force of nature unlike any special you've ever seen i'm gonna get into it more as we get deeper into the fall here but i am jazzed about this one um and uh that's it man that's it i hope you're doing great thanks for uh coming along for the ride we'll catch you on the next one and uh until that time everybody you know the drill chicken

Showman, baby. Whatever.