The Harland Highway - 443: THE HALLOWEEN PODCAST

Episode Date: October 30, 2012

Today we talk Halloween, pumpkins and have some very scary guests on the show today! Arooooouuuuwwwwwwwww!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ooh, I hope you're about to be scared. Scared, stiffless. Wait a minute. No, scared stiff. Wait, either way, it's, that's got a really bad erectile connotation to it. Either you're going to be scared till you have an erection, if you're scared stiff, or if stiffless, I'm going to scare the erection rate off. Why am I talking about erections?

This is Harlan Williams. This is the Harland Highway. And we've got to be talking about Halloween, okay? Halloween is here. It is upon us again, and I would be derelict in my duties if we didn't do a Halloween podcast. So here it is. Get ready to be scared. You know how scary it is here when I do this show.

We get all kinds of crazy guests here today. We're going to be talking all about Halloween, the whole show. Hope you enjoy it. Halloween on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Chuckie. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Pass in your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Arroo. Yeah, that's a werewolf that just ran out of gas. Hey, everybody. It's Harland Williams. And welcome to the Harland Highway Halloween. show.

It's coming up. It's right around the corner. The scariest day of the year. Ooh, ah, I'm scared even doing this podcast. So we are going to be talking about Halloween and scary things. We are going to be interviewing some scary people. We're going to have visits from scary people. It's just going to be an all-out, creepy,

scary event here today so uh you know put on your rubber underpants uh put on your uh butterscotch socks whatever you got to do because it's going to get freaky uh did you buy a pumpkin this year i bought a pumpkin and uh you know what i'm a little bit of a lay mass this year because here's what happened i bought a pumpkin and i was like you know what i don't I don't know that I want to cut it open and stick my hand in and pull out all those slimy seeds and all the guts, right? So I was like, I'm just going to get a Sharpie. I'm going to be a lazy Halloween pumpkin guy. And I got a Sharpie and I just drew the face on the pumpkin.

Is that bad? I mean, I know I can't put the candle in it and I can't get it. get all scary and weird. But I just drew the scary face on the pumpkin. And you know what? The good news is the pumpkin will probably last longer, right? Because it's not going to be violated. It's not going to be cut open.

Maybe it'll hang around a bit longer. Instead of, you know, the pumpkins always get moldy and turn green and start to cave in on themselves. And then they actually do look scary. because I find it weird No matter how scary You try to make a pumpkin Right It somehow it doesn't work

Because it's such a jolly little fruit I mean it's big and it's a nice color It's orange and the texture's cool And there's something that makes you happy Looking at a pumpkin Big orange happy You know if they were black like an eggplant Or they were all bumpy like a gourd

or uh you know they just were all scaly like a pineapple but they're they're kind of nice pumpkins are kind of friendly they're fun to sleep with they're they're big enough you can hold onto them and snuggle with them they're kind of soft and you know they're fun so no matter how crazy the faces you put on a pumpkin um they kind of uh always just kind of seem nice so I'm sharpying my pumpkin this year

and I'm going to save it from being degutted and maybe it's the more humane way we need to go in this sensitive world that we live in from now on

no more cutting up pumpkins they have feelings from now on you just sharpie a pumpkin okay let's think about how the pumpkins feel and you got to have

the pumpkin with the little stub on its head. You know, you know, that little, it looks like, you know, when a baby gets its umbilic cord chopped and it's still got a little dried up a piece of bacon in its belly button? You got to get the pumpkin with the stem still on its head. Some pumpkins you get them and, you know, the stem's gone. It's just like, it's like a belly button on the top.

You got to get that little wooden stem or vine or whatever it is that sticks. out. That just adds to the look. It's like, they look like tin tin. It's like a little wisp of hair on top of the pumpkin. It's like a tin tin pumpkin with a little cowlick. So that's my Halloween

pumpkin. I don't know what you're doing, but whatever it is, have fun and happy Halloween. Be safe out there. And I think we have a guest coming into the studio. Roger

Is our guest here? He's here? Okay, good. We have a Halloween guest. Our first guest here today is, I've never interviewed one of these guys before. We have a real live zombie here, and I guess we're going to ask a whole list of questions here about the world, about politics. There's an election coming up in just a few days. I mean, this is going to be good to get a zombie's perspective, because it seems like the,

the zombie population is growing if movies and film and TV are any indication. So bring him in. Here he is. Roger, what's his name? Daryl. Daryl Davidson from Minnesota. And have a seat there.

Whoa, whoa. Kind of smelly. Daryl, how are you? Okay. Have a seat. seat there um well no not not just your legs yep put put your legs back on i meant your whole body oh yeah put your whole body together would you reattach your your waistline please yes sit down um wow do you bathe at all is my first question oh pardon

Okay, I guess that's an answer. Oh, boy. So let me get your perspective on this. We have an election coming up. What's the most important part of this election? What is your candidate? What do you look for in your candidate? What is the, I would say, the catalyst of this election,

the main topic. Okay, was that the economy? What? The military? Okay, Roger. I don't know that this is really going to work. What do you mean? Keep asking them questions.

Look, it's a zombie. Okay, what about global warming? Does that affect the zombie community at all? Do you think the world is doomed with global warming? Okay, Roger, get him. out get it i'm not interviewing a zombie oh they're telling me i have to because it's halloween great i don't know what to ask this idiot you are iraq really you think he even knows about do you even know where iraq is sir

i don't know was that a yes a no i don't know was that a yes a no i don't know How do you feel about the troops in Afghanistan, Daryl? Okay, Roger, get him, the hell out. He just dropped his leg on the floor, and there goes an arm. Get him out. What do you mean I have another minute? Oh, for God's sakes.

I don't know what to ask the guy. What? Who's going to win the Oscars? Okay, who's going to win the Oscars this year? Any guess? Who's going to take home Oscar gold? Daryl? And I...

Oh! Oh! Roger, I'm about to walk off this show. What? Ask him who is... All right, who's your favorite actress? Meryl Streep. Excuse me?

Meryl Streep. What did you just say? Meryl Streep, fuck. Good? Okay, get them out. Get them out, get out of here. Yeah, take your legs, take your arms, out. Yeah, that way. Yeah, see you later.

Fuck off. Idiot. We'll be right back. Yeah, it wouldn't be much of a Halloween show without dropping Scooby and Shag in there, right? Right. Oh, thanks, Scoob. You're welcome. So here's what I want to do.

If you're one of these folks that don't like to go out to the parties, you don't like to go out and trick-or-treat, you don't want to dress up, but you still want to soak in, you still want to absorb the Halloween spirit and maybe be scared. I put together a little list of horror movies for you that, you know, if you want to do a little marathon, these are ones that I recommend, okay? So the first one I'm going to recommend is, and I think it's really creepy, it's Jeepers Creepers 2, okay? It's an interesting movie. It's shot really well. Good acting.

And the thing I like about it is the bad guy, the creature, the monster, the evil villain, if you will. What I like about him is that you never really know what he is. He's very ambiguous. It's not like a vampire, you know what he does. He flies down. He sucks your blood out of your neck and your dad. A werewolf, you know, just mulls you to death. Frankenstein just kind of, you know,

I don't know what Frankenstein does Beats you to death There's his giant forehead I don't know Godzilla stomps all over buildings And shoots fire But the creature and Jeepers creepers 2 And Jeepers creepers 1

But I'm gonna go with number 2 Because I like it You don't know what he is exactly He kind of You just don't know what he's capable of You don't know what he's able to transform into you're not necessarily sure what he wants or who he wants. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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like who this character is and what he wants and what he even looks like so this one's a bit of a head scratcher keeps you guessing and it's neat it's a neat movie it's shot well there's some really good scenes

there's some really good creepy scenes and I think you'll like it Jeepers Creepers 2 And then if you want something that's a little more I don't know a little more sophisticated shall we say A great, great scary movie for me is The Ring The American version of The Ring This is a movie that doesn't necessarily have a lot of big monsters

And stuff like that But it's full of like nightmarish imagery It's kind of got a lot of really cool, dark, twisted visuals in it. That kind of the things you'd see in your nightmares. And they really stick with you. This is the type of scary movie that, you know, after you step away from it, it kind of gets under your skin and lingers.

It's really spooky that way. And then my last one on my list is a little more obscure. be harder to find. It might be on Netflix or it might be on iTunes or, you know, I'm not sure. You might have to search a little for this one. But it's called the Innocence.

It's an old black and white British movie and it's called The Innocence and it's about this nanny, this British nanny who goes up to this giant mansion in the English

countryside and she has to take care of these two children that belong to this very rich guy, and it's her and these two kids in this, in this giant mansion, and there's something afoot at the mansion, and there's something demonic, something evil, and it gets a hold of the kids, and she gets pulled into it, and it's a bit of a slower-moving movie, but again, it's got some very striking. horrific, scary visuals in it. It's got some imagery. It's got really neat stuff.

And just to give you an example, one thing that's kind of creepy, if you're watching the movie, you'll notice every time there's a night scene, you hear a bird singing. And you're like, so that's not scary, but it's kind of weird. It is scary when you put it in the context of the movie.

How often do you ever hear a bird singing at night? night and this is just one of the little layers of this movie where you don't really notice it until after a little while you go wait a minute why is there a bird singing in the middle of the night and this movie is kind of layered with all these weird little visuals and audio tricks and just it's creepy it's kind of like more like the ring it's it's it's very creepy but it's old and it's uh it's it's uh it's just got a good spooky creepy vibe. So there you go. There's my little list. Three movies for you to rent or watch on Halloween, if you're so inclined. Jeepers, creepers, too, the ring, and the innocents.

So I hope you enjoy those. And speaking of creepy, we did this last year and it just creeped people out. I hate to say it. But, you know, That's what Halloween is. We actually had this guy come on that we don't really know where he's from, but his name is Mr. Scary. And he came on last year, and I guess he read a poem about himself. And some people rode in and were like totally creeped out by the guy, and I guess that's exactly what he wants.

So I think Roger is he here? He's in the sound booth. Okay, he's here in this sound booth, and I guess he comes every Halloween. I don't know much about him, but he's in this sound booth. He's going to read, I guess, a story or talk about himself or something. So let me just give it up. Roger, patch him in, and I'm going to shut up. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Scary for Halloween.

My name is Mr. Scurry. By now you know me well. I arrive each year on Halloween from the very depths of hell. My skin is cold and slimy. My eyes are crimson red. My fingers thin and bony. My breath smells like the dead. And on this night for a thousand years, I come into your towns.

I slink through dark back alleys and hunt my victims down. I follow you from the shadows. I jump from tree to tree. I crawl down in the sewers. Nothing can stop me. For soon it's you I find, and I slink into your hose. I chuckle from the basement and send shivers through your bones. And you run into your closets or try to bolt the doors,

but I pass right through the walls or come up through the floors. Your stare fills up with terror as I rise up into view. My drooping cloak, a wisp of smoke, now there's nothing you can do. Your mouth lets rip a girlish scream, but I reach in and grab your tongue. Rip it out so very hard. that it brings your throat and luns. You drop to the floor in a pool of blood before I hang you upside down, then lay underneath and get sweet relief as it drips onto my frown.

And somehow you're still twitching, not completely dead. This gives me time to take your eyes and pull them from them from. pull them from your head. With my yellow teeth, I pluck them like a crow, and savor them like a delicacy, like fancy escarco. Then I take a fingernail, sharp as a razor's edge, slide it down your abdomen,

for still I am not fed. I watch your abdomen split open, and all the goodies fall, and trills organs and testines, and blood spurting on the wall. And with the hellish laugh, I delight at the fleshy feast. I eat like a ravenous glutton, then finish off your hands and feet. And now with my belly full, at last it's time to go. and find my next poor victim, a few houses down or so. But as a final insult, just before I disappear,

I ride on the wall with your fresh, warm blood. Mr. Scurry was fucking here. And if I didn't visit you, then please, please don't fear. You can bet your sweet, sweet ass. I'll be back on Halloween next year. Okay. Get them out. Enough.

Roger. Whoa. What the hell? Dude, that is just creep. What the hell? Mr. Scary? I remember that freak from last year, man. That guy's off.

God, that is, that is just, ew. No wonder we got complaints last year. That is just like, that is horrible. Well, I guess that, you know, it's Halloween. I guess that's what it's all about. I mean, I don't book these people, folks. This is done by the people upstairs that run the show. Wow.

Hanging people upside down, eating their lungs and their eyes. And good God. I guess that's what it's all about, though, isn't it? Isn't it odd that we have a holiday that celebrates the dead? It celebrates the macabre. Celebrates, you know, people dressed up as skeletons and bones. I don't think we have a holiday that's just like life-affirming. Don't you think we should maybe as human beings have a day?

where we just all go, damn, it's good to be alive. We have a national holiday where we just remind ourselves of the gift of life and the beauty of being alive and in this colorful world with all its colorful people and things and nature and all of it. Maybe we need to start that. Maybe we need the opposite of Halloween. We keep Halloween, but we have Life Day. And it's a day where people can just take the day off work

And they just get to go for a massage They can go smoke a joint They can go have a glass of wine They can go make love Something, you know Just a day like that would be great, don't you think? I think that would be just wonderful We'll call it Life Day

And maybe it's like sometime in the spring You know And there's love in the air and everyone's feeling excited that winter's over. You know, maybe it should be like, you know, maybe it's, let's see, March, April. April's Easter. May or is May East, Easter's in there somewhere. I can't remember.

May, maybe like just before June, maybe like the last week of May we have like Life Day. Hey, everybody, take a moment. Just remember you're alive and life is good and enjoy yourself. I don't know. I think that could be a good idea. What do you think? I don't know. But this is Halloween and, you know, how many of you eat the pumpkin pie?

I got myself, for Halloween, I got myself a little, I don't know, carton of pumpkin pie. Pumpkin like a cupcake, not cupcakes, but tart. It was like a little tiny pie shell, and then they put like the pumpkin stuff inside. They're about the size of, I don't know, like a small silver dollar or something like that, right? And for such a weird-looking thing, a pumpkin and all the gooey guts inside and all the scary stuff surrounding a pumpkin, boy, they sure taste good, huh? They got like this gingerbread type of taste. You'd never think a pumpkin could taste that good. You know what I'm going to do?

I think because I like to taste a pumpkin. What I'm going to do is, you know, you see people walking around eating an apple, right? You're sitting on the subway. There's someone chewing on an apple. Someone on a park bench eating an apple. Someone at the airport eating out. I'm just going to carry a pumpkin around. Pull it out.

Just start eating it like an apple. Right, hold it with two hands. You know, just go around the whole circle till there's just like a core left. Ha, ha, right? Why not? It's delicious. Hey, dude, what are you eating?

Is that a giant apple? No, this is a pumpkin. Oh, wow. You've got nice pointy teeth. Would you mind carving a face into my pumpkin with your teeth? Yeah, sure. Um, so there you go. Just, just a thought.

Just a new way to eat pumpkins, like an apple. Um, but if you are going out tonight, if you're going out with your kids, if you're going out yourself, have fun. Don't, uh, don't get hurt. Do something fun. I remember I went to a Halloween party once and a guy set up like a theater in his backyard. He put a big screen up, like a great big portable screen in his backyard. and set his garden up like a graveyard. They put chairs out in a popcorn,

and we all went and watched a horror movie in his backyard, all in costumes. It's kind of fun. But whatever you do, be safe. Keep your eyes on your kids. Don't let them run out in front of traffic. And whatever you do, watch out for Mr. Scary. And I hope you have a great one, folks.

As you know, the podcast was, again, little bit late. You got to hang with me here. I'm starting this sitcom. It was my second week this week and man, it's been biting into my time. So it's made it a little difficult to get the shows done on time. But we got this one in just before Halloween. It's a day late. But it's here. Once my sitcom starts settling down a bit, I'll be able to get back to the regular schedule here. So hang with me. Have a great safe Halloween. And until next time, chicken chalmain, baby.