The Harland Highway - 446: A treat for a private body part!

Episode Date: November 9, 2012

The elections are over, let's discuss, an amazing health food re-examined, question of the day, a treat for a private body part. Bury the bad bone!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello. Dolly, it's so nice. Dolly. Um, who the hell is Dolly? Salvatore Dolly? Oh, hello. Salvador Dolly. It's so nice. Okay, enough. Uh, welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Harlan. Well, my um, and I know I'm late again. Please forgive me. As I told you, I'm in the middle, at the beginning of this new sitcom I'm shooting. And it is, it is a great, great. time but it's kicking my ass it's throwing my schedule off so the podcasts are going to be a little erratic i have to come to accept for the next little while till we settle in it it is a lot of work and uh so i apologize for being a day late again but it's going to go on for a little bit and then we'll settle in now but nonetheless we have a great show today we're going to be talking about some good news i found out about a food that's going to really benefit your health you'll be surprised. It's an old food, but I'm going to make it new again. We're going to talk about the election. We had the election. I'm going to share a few of my thoughts, whether you like them or not,

political thoughts on the election and the aftermath. And then we're going to be talking about treating your body, specifically a real intimate part of your body and how you should treat it. It's all here, and it's a treat. It's called the Harland. Highway You just made Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie

Wanna Play Please go away And leave me alone You just made a wrong Turn On to the Harland Highway Man Keep it going

Love the show You're hilarious My Blanket You're riding You're riding down The Harlan Highway It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Okay, here we go. Here are we a giggaggaggaggagggo. What was that a beatbox I just did? Gaggaggaggaggaggo go. Welcome to the show. See if you can figure this sound out, ready? Listen to this. did you figure it out that was me biting into an apple um i got to bring it up because uh it's that

old saying you remember that saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away um which is probably a good thing right nobody wants to go to the doctor nobody wants to go get sick and um I was reminded recently, I'm going through the internet, and, you know, we're always thinking about, you know, oh, am I going to get sick, or we all know someone who's got cancer or maybe he's overweight, and I think that kind of stuff always sits in the back of our minds, right? Our health and our mortality and all that stuff. And, you know, let's face it, we're surrounded by a world of temptations, of bad habits, junk food, donuts, fries, cokes, all that stuff we love, right?

And you're like, sometimes you get like, oh, how do I fight it? How do I stop it? How do I balance it? And I saw this article online where I got reminded of the benefits of the simple little apple something that we all have access to something that's an easy snack to eat and i started thinking about that line an apple a day keeps the doctor away it's and that's just whoever came up with that is brilliant it's common sense it's an old saying so you got to figure some guy somewhere must have eaten an apple a day and outlived everyone there's probably still some pioneer walking around

if you see a guy with like a musket and a black hat with a belt buckle on it and his shoes have belt buckles and his pants only come down to his calves and then from his knee down he has white leotards and he has frilly cuffs that's probably the guy some pilgrim i was like an apple a day keeps the doctor away and he's like now he's like 900 years old um but you know in a world where we're also always thinking of a quick fix like people are ordering bullshit remedies online and from infomercials take this pill and you can lose weight without ever going to the gym yeah right a it probably doesn't work and be what else is it doing to your body, okay?

Some guy grinded up a bunch of chemicals, and I just don't trust that stuff. But apples come right from nature. They grow on the tree. They've been here probably longer than humans have. Yeah, right, Harlan. No, apples started growing, like, you know, right around when cavemen appeared. Okay, they've probably been around for eternity, but here's the good thing. news. Here's the good news I want to spread. Maybe this will help you. Maybe this is a little

good tip for you here today. Look at me being Mr. looking out for the pavement pounders. Let me list some of the benefits of having a simple apple a day and maybe it's something all of you listening can incorporate into your routine. I mean, I got to admit sometimes they're not the most fun thing to eat. Like, you know, they don't have all the junk food qualities that we like, you know, I'd rather have a donut or I'd rather have a box of chocolate covered raisins. What are you talking about? What is an apple? I've never even heard of that thing. So here we go. And this might sway you and this might be a good thing. I think I'm going to start doing this. I'm going to try and have an apple a day and keep the

doctor way, and here's five good reasons why you might want to try having an apple a day. Listen to this. They help reduce inflammation and prevent colon cancer. Apples contain pectin, which is a soluble fiber that prevents the occurrence of colon cancer. Apple pectin also has the ability to modulate the inflammatory response and protect against painful inflammation. So I don't know if that means we have an airbag inside that won't go off. But how often do you hear that? Prevents the occurrence of colon cancer.

Isn't that everyone's biggest nightmare to one day go to the doctor's like, yeah, your ass is tainted? What? Yeah, you got colon cancer, dude. I mean, you don't want to hear those words. I think we all know someone who's had it. So right out of the gate, that's it. That's a biggie just from eating an apple prevents the occurrence of colon cancer. Now, it's not the cure, but, man, that's an easy thing.

An apple a day, and I kind of up my odds against getting colon cancer. I like that, man. The inflammation part, I'm not sure what that means. That might be more with women, maybe. I don't understand inflammation. Maybe people with arthritis, stuff like that. I don't believe I suffer from inflammation, except maybe when I'm in the mood. I have an inflammation somewhere.

But anyways, let's go to number two. Apples contain immune boosting vitamin C. This makes apples a great snack in the fall when the weather is changing and we need to ward off the common cold and flu. Well, we're right in the middle of that season, gang. cold and flu season is upon us. So, hey, if this helps, go for it, man. Shove an apple in your face.

Walk around like a Thanksgiving pig sitting on it. You know, they shove an apple in the face of a dead pig, put it in the middle of the dining room table. Just walk around with an apple in your mouth. Clamp it in your teeth, walk around, baste your skin with a barbecue sauce. and just walk around. Hey, Jim, are you okay? Yeah, man, I'm just trying to ward off the flu.

What? I'm just trying to ward off the flu. I can't hear you. There's an apple in your mouth. I go eat a pig. Um, so that's a good one. Number three, they reduce spikes in blood sugar. Apples contain amylasey, amylase.

I can't even know that. I don't even know this. This is a new word to me. AMY L-A-S-E, amylase inhibitors. I don't know what that means, but let's find out. Apples contain amylase inhibitors which decrease the absorption of starch and sugar in the intestinal tract. These polynepinols in apples lower absorption of sugars and prevent blood glucose spikes while lowering the glycemic load of your entire meal. Wow, I don't even know what I read.

That's too scientific. But it sounds like it balances your starches and your sugars. Okay, let's just simplify it. You couldn't have just said that to me? You had to go with the amylase and the polyepinols and the glycemics. Thanks. So another good thing. Here's number four.

This one's a biggie, man. This is a biggie for the boys and girls. Reduce belly fat with apples. Now, I think I hooked you there. I think everyone's on board having an apple a day. Now, apples have been shown to significantly reduce visceral belly fat in overweight individuals with zero side effects. Here we go again. The polynepinols in apples also play an important role in the metabolism of all types of body fat.

so there you go man uh i've read up on apples before and apples um apples are one of these uh one of these foods that um from what i read in another article actually burn calories uh i guess it takes your body a little bit to break them down so i'm not saying it's like you eat an apple and it's like you spend three hours at the gym but it from what i've read in other articles apples burn calories there are certain foods that kind of cause you to burn calories as they digest. So that's another little upside there. And then here's the last one.

Apples reduce cholesterol and protect against cardiovascular disease. Nice. Apples contain a specific pro-candidians. God. Why did I drop out of science class? Apples contain specific procytians. What is that a rindian? Roman warrior? What is this? The Pasidians are coming, my lord.

Man, whatever. Apples contain specific prokidians that have been shown to lower LDL cholesterol levels in the blood. These are the same prokidians that are present in red grapes to prevent against heart disease and contribute to the French paradox. I don't know what that meant. I just got metaphysical there. anyways there's the list um big big upside big big benefits to uh to the apples um and i'm not saying go eat your your ipod i'm talking about you know that's the danger in this day and age okay in the real world i don't mean go and eat your laptop or your iPad this isn't about your Apple computers. I'm talking about the fruit, Apple, real organic, grows on trees.

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The hell's going on. Um, so there you go. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. And, uh, get out there and get some apples. I'm way ahead of you. Mop, no, no, mhm, no, mhm. Oh, my Polly, it is some. just went down.

Must eat apple, I must. One cheese burger with everything coming up. Well, on to other news that doesn't involve fresh fruit and lipidermans or whatever the hell they are. The election, man. How about that? The election has come and gone. All the hype.

And now we are in the aftermath. And now that the election. over. I'm, I'm disappointed. I'll be honest with you. I did not want Barack. Um, and for all you people listening, don't tune out. Don't, don't, don't tune out of the pod. It's like, oh, that's it. I'm not listening. This guy didn't want Barack Obama. I can't, he's, he's not on board. I can't listen to this guy. You know what? It's America. Everyone's allowed to their, uh, their opinion. And, uh, allowed to pick their sides, and you shouldn't disengage people because of their political beliefs. But let me continue with this thought. I'll tell you this. Last time around, just so

nobody goes moping in the corner, and I'm not trying to placate anybody, I actually wanted Barack Obama over McCain. I liked Barack's message last time. I liked what he was offering, and I was happy when he won. I was on board, but I'll be honest, after four years and looking at his record and without going into, well, look what he inherited. Every president inherits stuff, okay? It's up to that president to make the changes necessary to work against that. Now, did he on a certain level? Sure, he made some changes, but overall, when I look at the overall picture, I'm afraid not. Look, I'm just calling it what it is, man. I'm not trying to pick political sides. It is what it is. The facts are on the page and the statistics prove the point. So, and here's, here's my argument. Here's

why I want to admit. When Barack inherited the presidency or won the presidency, the economy was not in the tailspin it was in. I mean, it was heading there, but it wasn't horrible. And he inherited a mess. Let's be honest. But that being said with Barack's history in his life, in all the things he did in his political career, it's fair to say that his expertise was not in the business world. It was not economics. It was not money. And so four years go by and this horrible economy happens and not by his fault it's something that built up to that through all the presidents through American history had built to this point where there's negligence on all sides right but unfortunately for Barack Obama he landed in his own where he was faced with

this turmoil and probably not the best equipped to understand the business side of it because that was not his world. That's not his wheelhouse. He didn't come from that. And so I look at the new people coming and I'm casting aside a lot of social issues and stuff like that. I'm just kind of focusing on the economy right now. Along comes a new guy whose background is he's extremely successful moving numbers around and pushing the dollars around. And he's very successful with economics. And I'm like, okay, man, that's what this country needs. needs right now. I respect the social issues. I don't disregard the social issues, but you can't really have social issues if you got no economy. If everybody's hurting and there's no money to go

around and people are going bankrupt, it's like you can't even focus on social issues because the economy collapses and society collapses. And then everybody's a social issue at that point. So my logic was, you know what? I liked Barack last time, but he didn't really get it done with the economy. And I want a guy in there who lives and breathes and exhales money and economy and knows how to write the ship. And that's all my decision really came down to. So I'm a little bummed. I hope Barack can swing it around.

congratulations to Barack. Hey, I always said, may the best man win. That's what people wanted, was Barack Obama? You got him. Now, let's hope that, let's hope that, you know,

he can do it. But I kind of look at it like this. It's like, let's say you get your taxes done every year, right? And let's say your accountant's doing a lousy job. Okay, let's say you have an accountant, and for four years you're noticing, You know, my taxes aren't really coming together too well. My taxes aren't accurate.

My taxes are falling short. My taxes don't seem right. I think I'm going to get a new account, and I'm going to get someone who really understands the numbers and the economics and blah, blah, blah. And personally, I felt like that's something that we need, man. but uh and it's not it's not even um again i try to stay away from party politics and i think too many americans get caught up and well that's not my party i try to stick with the the

uh the candidate that i think can do the job to do what we need and uh i know there's all kinds of social issues as i said but um the economy has to recover before, you know, anything else can really get moving. So there you go. It'll be interesting to see what happens. Of course, I'm rooting for Barack now that he's in. I hope he can pull it out, you know, pull out, pull out the economy and make things better. But I don't know.

I honestly wish he had more expertise in the area. We'll see. We'll see. But there it is. The election for another four years At the end of the day I got to say I feel bad about all the money that was spent The way elections are fought and won in this country

Are in my opinion shameful That they not only deal with the political parties mud slinging and spending most of their energy In the debates and in their advertising and in their branding and their marketing, most of all that money and time and energy is spent on slandering the other party. And it's very disheartening to me personally.

I get actually depressed by it because I just think, man, these are people that are, you know, running to be the leaders of the country. They're running to be, you know, the moral compass and uh you know represent the direction of of a people and and just to see uh that it's it's gone down to such a base level where um you know picking on negatives and and name calling and trying to make someone look bad and fabricating issues and manipulating constituents it's it's just there's no

integrity in it for me. And it makes me sad, man. It makes me sad because people have come to accept it. People have come to buy into it. I mean, people, it amazes me how people are blinded by these stupid campaigns on both sides and fall into the propaganda and are led around like flocks a sheep by all the bullshit instead of just looking at what's going on in the world what's the state of the economy what's the state of the country

what's the direction so be interesting man another four years and it'll be cool to see what happens in the next election it seems to me it runs like it seems to me people get eight years

a president gets eight years and then the parties seem to switch which you gotta wonder is that really that productive does one party do all this stuff then another party gets in and tries to undo all this stuff and then the other party gets in and tries to put it back

and I don't know it's a little disheartening the whole system but we got it got to live with it. It's better than probably a lot of other crap in the world. But I think we all know deep down inside that we can do better. We deserve better. And I hope someday it changes. And politics is infused with integrity and honor. And okay, what fantasy world am I living in? What am I an avatar? But sincerely, I hope that happens. Because it, I, I,

I think that stuff sets the tone that sets a compass for society. It's like, ah, you know what if our leaders can just manipulate and mudsling and pick out the bad and the negative? It's like, that's what we might as well do too, you know? It's that ripple trickle-down effect, as they like to say. So there you go. Barack Obama, congratulations. And let's see what happens. Hopefully good things.

are headed our way. Okay? Always got to be positive, no matter what. It's like be positive and hope for good things. Four more years. Here we go. The Harland Highway Question of the day. Yes, here it is.

Here it is. Put on your thinking caps. The Harland Highway Question of the Day. Do rainbows smell? Has anyone here ever sniffed a rainbow? Do rainbow smell? That is the question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day.

Okay, who wants a treat? Anybody want a treat? And I'm not talking about, you know, well, when you think treat, you think maybe something to eat or going somewhere or something that benefits you. And this treat might benefit you,

but it's a little bit of a touchy, area here, but I'm talking about, and how do I put this delicately, a treat for your anus. Oh, I know. It sounds wrong on so many levels, but think about your lonely little anus, okay? For most of us, and there are people that do other things with their anus, but probably for most of us, you know, the chocolate choo-choo train comes out, and then you get some paper. and you wipe your whole life out wipe out wipe out wipe and think about your poor little anus i don't even like that word but let's say you live to 75 years old same routine your

whole life out wipe out wipe out what do you think maybe it's time everybody that your anus deserves a little treat i mean think about it the only thing that ever comes contact with it is paper, toilet paper, the same old paper. Oh, sometimes it's double fiber, sometimes it's cottony soft. Do you think maybe your anus might have feelings too? Maybe your anus wants to be treated now and then, and here's what I'm proposing, since the only thing anuses really know is paper, why not give them a paper treat, huh? Why not change it up a little? Show your anus you care Give your anus some thanks

For all its hard work Here's what I want you to do Since all your anus ever gets is paper Why not change up the paper Maybe once a month Go to a fine store like staples Or go to some kind of paper store A place that sells letters and envelopes

And office supplies and ask for the nicest imported rice paper you can find or a wonderful sheet of English bond. You know, mix it up a bit. Get something that's expensive. Maybe get some of that fancy, you know, paper that has wildflowers pressed into it. Okay?

Maybe get some paper with a pitcher on it. You know, maybe a picture of your favorite celebrity. Maybe rip a page out of People magazine. Hello, Anis. Today I'm wiping you with David Hasselhoff. Good morning, Edis. Say hello to Angelina Jolie. Right?

Your favorite sports. Hello, Anis. Have you met Brett Farve? Just wipe. And it might not be comfortable for you. you know, it might, maybe wiping your butt with a piece of paper from Us magazine might be a little painful, but think about your hardworking anus. And here's the Piauss de resistance, here's the creme brule.

If you really care about your arsehole and you really want to give it a little treat for once in its stinky life, for God's sakes, go to DeVry and take an origami. class. Yes, learn the ancient art of origami. Learn how to fold paper. Okay? How excited would your anus be if one day after you dropped a giant pepperloaf, all of a sudden you wiped with a folded-up swan? Honk, honk! Imagine the smile on your anus's face when it got greeted by a little folded-up panda bear. Wouldn't that be something, a zebra? Good morning, Anus. Thanks for the dump.

Here's a little zebra wipe. Right? Or maybe have fun with your anus. Make a fold up a paper airplane. Yeah, Dallas, we're clear for landing. Come on into Anus Central. Yeah, landing gears down. throw the paper airplane in the air

while it's floating in the air bend over separate your cheeks and see if the pointy little tip of that airplane can park itself right in your starfish so there you go man be kind

give your anus a treat for God's sakes don't be so selfish It's working for you. You should work for it. Reward it. Let me see. Maybe I'll do... You know, I can't just stand here and say it.

Let me see. I'll get a piece of paper here. Let's see. Do this, and I'll fold it right and left. Starting to look like... Ooh, a giraffe. Wow, that's going to go way up there. That's that, that, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, draff.

All right, I see its legs hanging out. All right, I got to go, folks. I've got a medical anus emergency. I need some apples. I better get some apples. Good God. Ah, that's it. We're out.

I hope you had a good time here on the Arland Highway. We'll catch you next time. Don't forget to check out Robot and Monster on Nicola. My new cartoon, I do the voice of a monster. Great, great little cartoon. Don't forget to follow along at Harlan Williams at Twitter. At Harlan Williams. Don't forget the official Facebook page.

Harlan Williams official Facebook page. And visit Harlan Williams.com. See my stand-up dates. You can also order merchandise from our store, books, t-shirts, CDs, movies. broccoli and there you go man don't forget I have a new app as well if you want a free app for your phone

Harlandapp.com and also remember to check into all things comedy.com that's the new podcast site where you can catch my show and that's it man that'll do it that'll do it. We're done

And until next time, chicken, chalem, baby. Easy boy, easy.