The Harland Highway - 447: Running over animals and socializing.

Episode Date: November 12, 2012

Today we discuss the best way to run over animals and discuss different levels of socializing. Trim your trollup!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord Almighty, I think I hear my podcast rising. Well, podcasts don't rise unless you bake them in the oven. And this podcast is probably like half-baked, because I'm half-baked. Welcome, I'm Harland, Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway, Lurdies, and Fenerd Blurdens. We're going to talk about some fun stuff today. I'm going to tell you about special guest stuff. celebrity that I worked with last week on my new sitcom.

Great, great guy. Also, we're going to talk about, have you ever run over anything on the road? We've got to talk about your etiquette when it comes to running over critters on the road, okay? And then we're going to talk about socializing. We're going to talk about when you go out to dinner in a big group. Is it awkward? Is it fun? Is it uncomfortable?

Is it excellent? Is it so many things? So many things are going on when you go out with a big group like that. And then also I'm going to talk about, you ever have one of those nights where you just hop from party to club to place to event? And it just becomes kind of this weird night of discombobulated events. We're going to talk all about that because this is one big discombulated event. It's the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait, was you great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Yes, yes, yes you are riding down the highway with Harlan Williams.

And speaking of riding down the highway, I was riding down, not the highway, but just rolling down a road the other day. and all of a sudden this SUV in front of me kind of abruptly weaved. And I don't mean they weave their hair. They just weave. All of a sudden, they're like, they're going along just nice and normal. And then all of a sudden, right? Just weaved. And I was like, what the hell was that?

Did that guy have a seizure or something? And then I looked and I noticed on the ground like a splattered squirrel. Okay, there was a dead squirrel on the road, poor little guy. and this person had, you know, quite sympathetically for the dead little guy. At the last minute, weaved around it so it wasn't run over again. And I'm telling you, this thing was pretty flat, so it made me wonder how many people ran over them. And my question to you, my compassionate friends at the wheel, are you a weaver? or a splatter

in other words if you encounter a dead critter on the road right in the middle of the road a squirrel or a bird or something laying there do you go

oh my god look at that poor little guy and swerve around it or you're just like whatever it's already dead right are you a swerver or a a splatter. That's what I want to know. Um, and think about it, man. What a, what a cruel ending. I mean, isn't it sad enough that you, you know, you're out hunting around for nuts one day?

You run across the road and you get hit by like a, hopefully at least a nice car. You know, if I'm a squirrel, I'm hoping maybe a Ferrari hits me or a spider or, uh, you know, know, a Porsche, a Porsche, or an Aston Martin or whatever the hell they are. I certainly wouldn't want to be killed by a Ford Focus, man. It's like, oh, man, did you hear about Larry? No, what happened? Oh, man, killed by a car. Oh, Christ, what was that Ford Focus?

Oh, Christ. Poor bastard. At least Uncle Larry got hit by Lamborghini. Yeah. So not only do you get hit, you get pounded into the pavement, okay? But then you get run over like 300 more times, man. 300 more times, man. I mean, come on.

Right? That's just punishing. It's like da-di-de-da-da-blonk blonk blon-blank. but it's like, you know, it's like those old comedy routines where, you know, some guy Charlie Chaplin's walking down the street and he gets hit by some guy carrying a ladder. You know, the guy carrying the ladder like turns and hits Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin falls on his ass. And just as he's getting up, the guy turns again and the ladder hits him again.

Bong, bong, bong, bong, just like can never get up. It keeps getting hit by the same guy with the ladder who's looking around oblivious, right? So that's the same fate for our little furry friends, our little nut collectors. Just splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat. And I guess the real humiliation is, you know, a car has four wheels. So if, you know, the odds are you can get run over by one car twice. You can get the front wheel and the back wheel, splat, splat, splat. Oh, God

Look, I don't mind you running over me, man But you have to do it with all the wheels Splat, splat, asshole Can a guy die with just two wheels You gotta give me all four? Splat, splat, right? So I don't know, next time you're out on the road And you see a little critter, ask yourself,

Am I a weaver? Am I a swerver? Am I a swerver or a swerver? Splatter. The choice, my friends, is all yours. Splat, Splat. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Have a really nice day.

How about a really nice night? I want to tell you about a night I had recently, but I'll get to that later. First of all, I want to ask you, how many of you have been through this aggravation? and this is this is an aggravation some people you know friends buddies acquaintances they all say hey man let's get together let's all go out we haven't all seen each other for a long time let's all go out meet at a restaurant go get some dinner and drinks and have some fun everybody get caught up right great idea right so you show up and it immediately becomes awkward because suddenly there's people that, when you go out in a group of friends,

there's different relationships going on within that group, even though you're all connected somehow as friends, you're not all as close or you're not all as friendly with other people within the group. Let's say there's 12 people. Well, maybe you don't know Larry and Jenny as well as you know Dave and Carly. And maybe there's people there. you don't know at all, or maybe there's people you just don't have any chemistry with, or you don't jive, and then suddenly you're led to this big table in the restaurant.

And with all these people there, in your mind, you have to start strategizing. You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, who do I want to sit beside? If I sit beside them, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable because I don't know them that well and I don't know what to say, but if I sip beside that person or those people, I'm going to have a great time because I know them the best. and when they get drunk, they're really funny, and they've got crazy stories, but I don't want to offend anyone by not sitting near them.

And so, whoa, my God, where am I going to set? And so I've learned, man, I've learned it doesn't pay to be the nice guy. All right? You've got to set your eyes on the, because, you know, it's a dinner. It's a long dinner. You know, you're sitting there an hour, two hours. You're eating, you're drinking, you're talking. and if you're not next to the people that you kind of jive with that you have chemistry with,

oh my God, it's almost like being out with complete strangers you don't know, or it's almost like sitting through a bad dinner. You know, when you were a kid and your parents would have company over, and they're like, you sit at the table till Mr. Dillings and his wife leaves. That's your father's boss, for God's sake. But I don't relate. I don't understand anything he said. I don't care. It's your father's boss. You sit at that table and you stay there until we finished eating.

Right? So your kids sitting at the table and they're talking about the world and politics and you just want to go out and play and you can't relate and then they try to talk to you and you're like, I don't know. I just want to go play in my sandbox. So inevitably what happens is you get at these big tables and it becomes like a chess game. It's like you've got to figure out where you want to sit and who you want to sit with. And it's awkward because, you know, throughout the meal, throughout the thing, you're absorbing the whole table, you're making eye contact with everyone, you're friendly with everyone, you know these other people, but you just don't know them as well. And man alive, if you get stuck in a wrong nook of the table or at the wrong end or you end up sitting right across from the one point. person you got nothing in common with and obviously you've got to look at them right or sometimes you get sandwiched between like the person on your left is someone you really have chemistry with but the person on your right as someone you don't really know or have chemistry with so you're

like oh god what do i say to them oh my god and you end up ignoring them a little bit then you feel guilty and bad it's a real i mean it's a real dance man for all of us not just me i think everyone listening has been through this it is it is like a dance you have to do right so it can be socially awkward um but uh but even worse here's here's the worst part too here's the worst part when the bill comes at the end of the meal isn't it always awkward his big giant bill's like okay let's see there was 12 of you, that'll be $600. Okay, and you're like, holy crap, $600.

And then you go, okay, well, I only had like a, you know, what, burger and I don't drink, so I just had a Coke and a burger. What's that? I owe like, what, $15? But meanwhile, everyone else at the table, steaks and, you know, steaks and drinks and drinks and fancy bottles of wine and this and that, right? And all of a sudden, you know, someone grabs the bill and goes, let me just, let me divvy it up. You're like, oh, okay.

So someone divvies it. And then all of a sudden, okay, everybody owes $60. And you're like, wait, whoa, whoa, what? Yeah, if we, if everyone pays $60, we got it covered. And you can't be the guy that goes, well, I only had a burger and a Coke. I didn't drink. I didn't do this. I didn't do that.

Yeah, well, $60. So all of a sudden. You're out and you're paying, you're driving like 60 bucks for a, for a, you know, a $15, $20 meal. And you can't be chinty about it. I mean, I'm not a cheap skate. I don't care that much, but it's just weird. It's awkward and weird. And some people, it does drive them nuts.

You can see it. You know, me, I'm like, screw it. It's not like three weeks from now I'm going to be thinking about that 60 bucks. It's done. But some people you can just see it in their eye. oh wait what what did what did everyone have i mean um can anyone break a hundred because i only brought my credit card and did they take a check right there's always someone trying to kind of weasel out of it or think of some reason why why they can't pay 60 i only brought 20 is that okay is everyone

going to be fine and then inevitably again there's always this thing oh we're short 10 huh what huh yeah we're short 10 bucks well i thought it was 600 bucks yeah we got 590 we're short 10 and then everyone just looks around at each other like like like suddenly they're all in the special ed class duh what does she mean we're short 10 right everyone just stares at each other with that far off look what do you mean 10 what's what's what's what do you're mean ten what isn't two everyone mumbling pretending to reach for their wallets seeing who will break first and then finally someone just goes all right here's the ten half the time it's me i'm just like take it but there's always there's always short like five or ten or fifteen bucks oh we're down

fifteen or or else everyone reaches in their pockets and throws in like a dollar each suddenly it's like we're throwing money at a stripper. Here's a dollar. Everyone tosses in a buck. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But outside of all that chaos and madness, it's a good time. It's good to get together with people and friends. And you know what, if you've got to deal with a few oddities, a few uncomfortable situations,

that's just part of being human. The key is to get out there and interact and be uncomfortable if needs be. Pay a little extra if you needs be. It's good for you. It's good for the soul to sit in a group. energy in a group that feels good, you know, there's a camaraderie, there's a common bond, a union, and people sharing and laughing and goofing, and sure, you can't get to everybody and people break off into their own little groups, but get out there and have fun, man.

And then the other side is, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to ask you about something else in a group setting right after this the Harland Williams question of the day The Harland Highway Question of the day Here it is

Here is the big question of the day Why is it that if you buy shampoo A bottle of shampoo And a bottle of conditioner The same brand name Same bottle, same shape, same size Both bottles

one's filled with shampoo, one's filled with conditioner. Why is it that the shampoo always runs out before the conditioner? You're pretty much using the same amount. You squirt a bunch of shampoo in your hand and put it on your head. And then after you rinse that off, you put the conditioner on your hand and put it all over your head. And yet the shampoo bottle empties. way sooner than the conditioner. So there's your question of the day.

Why does the shampoo bottle empty quicker than the conditioner? The Harland Highway, question of the day. Yes, oh, ponder that. Well, you listen to this story. You know, trailing on to what I was talking about earlier, you ever have one of those nights where it turns into a series? of events, you know, instead of just going out to one place, like to dinner or a club or a party, you end up like going to a whole bunch of places and it becomes like this long,

wacky night. So happen to me the other night. I go out and, uh, as I was talking about, I met up with a giant group of people. We had great fun dinner and talking and drinks and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then me and a couple of the people that were at the table, we broke off and we, everyone got ready to leave and we're like, ah, we don't want this night to end, man. So we motor up the road. I knew of a bar that had a pool table and yours truly likes to shoot a little stick, as they say. So we go up and we get on this pool table and we start shooting stick and there's this group of like drunk Irish guys and they're they're running the table

they're the masters of the pool table there so me and my buddies we get on the table and we challenge the Irish guys there and we wump their arses we wumped their Irish horses we did and they were really nice guys and we played with them for a while and we had some beers and we yucked it up

and uh and then you know when that ran out we decided to go somewhere else so i i knew this uh friend of mine in town who's a little bit eccentric and uh she has a crazy crazy house and she has some crazy friend she's like a stoner girl her life kind of revolves around the the merry jane the marijuana but she's been a friend of mine for a long time and so uh we jumped in a cab me and this other guy and we trucked over to her house and we got there and it was like it was like a mixture of the you know david lynch's uh scenes out of blue velvet and mulholland drive meets uh texas chainsaw massacre was like this big old house and we walked in and these people were you know already very stoned and they're all

sitting at a big dining room table and this was like kind of an old house with a lot of wood and character and the tunes were playing on an old record player was like records from the 70s the Commodores and soul and funk and Johnny Cash and just crazy stuff playing and it was quite the atmosphere and some of these stoners were sitting there just they looked like they were waiting for a turkey dinner to come out there just sitting and staring and their eyes were glazed over you ever look in a turtle's eyes just kind of stare off into the Some of these characters are just like a million miles away. And so we were sitting there, and then all of a sudden there's a girl in the living room,

like in a dress, this hot blonde girl in a dress and spike heel stoned out of her head. And she's doing hula hoops. She's got two hula hoops, and she's in the middle of the living room. And in the background, there's this old music, and she's just doing the hula hoops in the background and we're sitting there with these characters at this big table and they're asking questions that make no sense and they're repeating themselves and we're having a laugh and they're all smoking dope and me and my buddy are having a beer and it was literally like we do you just like we're in a david lynch movie so we hung around there for a while then we truck out the door

we could get a cab he goes hey man let's go get another drink I have a friend who's a bartender at this bar. It's on the way home. You know, it's always on the way home, right? So I'm like, all right, dude, let's do it, man. We're having fun. So we go to this bar, and it's, it's like one of these bars. There's a little slot in the door, right?

Right in the big metal door with a slot in it. He bangs on the door, and this bouncer guy with a beard answer to you. No, we're not letting anyone in. Like, well, why'd you open the door, dude? He's like, well, no, I know. I know Bob or something. He's like, oh, okay. So they let us in and we go in and there's still people in there.

Some music playing and it's, you know, it's hot and it's sweaty. People are dancing. It's kind of like a small, like, nightclub. And right away I see like two transvestites walk across in front of me. Like some dude, you know, why is it a lot of the transvestites are always like overweight guys? They're not fat. but they're just out of shape. They're right between, like, you know, kind of out of shape and turning obese.

Like, if they suck their stomachs in, they can pull it off, but they never do. Like, any time you've ever seen a transvestite, it's like a fishnet shirt. And you're like, okay, they look kind of normal. But then they turn sideways and they stand in the light and their guts hanging out. They've got a beer belly and they're wearing suspenders. and stockings and just like, what is this? What is this person thinking? They don't look good as a man or a woman.

So I thought, okay, there's a friggin' tranny guy. He's probably part of the bar scene, you know, probably some eccentric guy. And I'm walking through and I kind of start noticing there's a lot of dudes in this place. And then I'm noticing like some of the dudes are dancing with each other. And I go over the bar

and my buddy's friend, this girl, this cute little blonde girl, is the bartender. I turned to my buddy and go, dude, what kind of bar is this? What's going on? I'm seeing a lot of guys here. He goes, yeah, it's homo hip hop night. I go, excuse me? Yeah, homo hip hop. And then I look over on the stage where the DJ is, big sign,

homo hip hop. And then I take another better look around the room. and here I see two guys with beards making out and kissing and I see guys dancing together and girls, lesbians dancing together and sprinkled in with a bunch of people that were straight too. I was like, thanks, dude, thanks for bringing me to homo hip-hop.

Wow, I never would have done this on my own. So suddenly I go from, you know, a 15-person dinner to playing pool with some Irish guys to David Lynch's nightmare and now I'm popped in at the homo hip hop and you know nothing against them it's just not my scene I don't I don't go to those places

that's not my deal I'm not into the gay scene man and so I was just out of my element man I was just like sitting there going wow this has been quite an interesting night and I'm just looking around like okay thanks dude here we are at the homo hip-hop and then they cleared out and I guess because this guy's buddy was the bartender this girl now we were in one of these scenes where everyone was gone except for about like six or seven people and now we're all clustered around the bar and it's a small little group of semi-drunk people just shooting the breeze and

chit-chat and having fun and cut to me getting home before in the morning but sometimes you got to do it so you know these nights happen and these nights can be really actually kind of fun they're kind of like little adventures you don't know you don't know where you're going to end up who you're going to meet you kind of jump around from place to place party to party and it can get it can get eccentric it can get eclectic and it certainly did for me so I can't wait to do it again. We'll see y'all at the homo hip-hop, boys and girls. No, I don't think I'll be going back to that,

but, you know, maybe the lesbian square dance or who knows what. Bulldike Beach Party, who knows. But there you go. So I don't know if you've ever been through that, but it's a lot of fun. And that's it. I'm exhausted.

I can't even talk anymore. I should tell you about my new sitcom that I'm doing. I got to tell you this before I am the show. Last week, our special guest celebrity guest star on the new sitcom was Eugene Levy. I think y'all know most of you probably know Eugene Levy from he played the father in all the American Pie movies. But people that are more hardcore fans probably know Eugene from movies like Splash. and things like that. He was the crazy scientist in Splash,

but the real hardcore people know Eugene Levy from his early days doing Second City television. And I'm going to urge you to go on YouTube and look at an old, type in SCTV. SCTV stands for Second City television and type in SCTV five neat guys. And Eugene's in the mix. It's John Candy, it's, it's Eugene Levy, it's Dave Thomas, it's all the guys from Second City.

And they're doing this schick where they pretend they're like an old duwop, like barbershop, quartet, cheesy band from like the 50s, where they all harmonized together. And they're called Five Neat Guys. They have the most crazy, ridiculous songs. singing in harmony. They're wearing these horrible sweaters. And they sing the songs like, Who made the egg salad sandwiches?

You know, just crazy lyrics. It's just hilarious. And Joe Flaherty's in there. And he's one of the five neat guys who's always drunk. And if you watch him, he's always like kind of ready to fall over. It's just classic. It's cheesy, funny, classic.

But anyways, Eugene Levy was the guest star. I had a blast with him. I grew up watching that guy. Loved it. Just a real pro and really funny. And he's actually going to be on three episodes of the new sitcom. So very, very jazzed. Having a great time.

As I've been telling you, it's been putting me behind on my podcast schedule a bit. It's a lot of work. And I'm trying to get back on track. So thanks for bearing with me on these days where I'm a little bit late getting this out to you, but it's a good reason, okay? And that's it, man.

That's it. I want to put this announcement out there in Vancouver. Vancouver, Canada, if you're in the city, on November 17th, okay? Saturday, November 17th. I am going to be at the comedy mix. Barard Street and Doug Benson, who's a really funny comedian who I've worked with many times over the years, he's going to be doing his podcast live from the Comedy Mix Comedy Club at 4 o'clock

on November 17th Saturday, and I will be his guest on that show. So if you're in town, if you're in Vancouver, come on down live, get your tickets early. It's probably going to sell out. And it's at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. And we're going to have a good time talking about movies and Doug's friggin' hilarious, Doug Benson. So make sure you check it out. Also, check out Harlowell Williams.com.

Check out our store for your merch. Join the conversation at Harlan Williams on Twitter, the Harlan Williams official Facebook page, and all that good. stuff um and uh don't forget to check out all things comedy that's the new uh podcast network that i've got my show on great stuff all kinds of great podcasts and comedians on there and uh i'm gonna talk more about my new special coming out january 15th harle williams a force of nature and uh good things coming down the pipe um or should i say that

the ball. Yeah, that's right. The big bowl of chicken. Chalman, baby. Hello? Hello? My name is Taki Tina, and I'm going to kill you.