The Harland Highway - 449: Thanksgiving and MURDER!!

Episode Date: November 22, 2012

We celebrate Thanksgiving, there's been a murder, fishing for Osama, and remembering a friend. Clank my clunk!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yeah. What I'm trying to say is, oh, yeah, and I got kind of fumbled up there. I guess I'm excited because it's Thanksgiving. It's that time of year. We're all around it. We're in it. We're doing it. And I want to wish you a thank, happy Thanksgiving.

We're going to be talking about that holiday on this show, among some other things. Boy, way do you hear this. There's been a murder, and it involves something that might shock you. you. It's not the murder of a human being. It's the murder of something maybe even more precious than a human being, if that's even possible. Wait till you hear the gory details. Like I said, we're going to be talking about Thanksgiving here today, the traditions and all the hoop-hoopla surrounding it. And then also, we're going to be talking about Ben Laden, Osama bin Laden. There's coming out about how they released his body into the ocean.

And my thing is, is that sanitary? Is that good? Do we want a terrorist floating around in our oceans like a bobbing loaf of poo? It's wrong, in my opinion. So we're going to chit-chat about that and other things. But today we're giving thanks. I give thanks to you, my listeners, my pavement pounders. It's great to have you here on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Routspin And I'm your friend Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy

Mmm, it's Thanksgiving, boys and girls. Happy Thanksgiving! Yeah, man, happy Thanksgiving. What a treat, what a treat. I hope you're having a good one. It's that time of year where we give thanks for the Harland High. We give thanks for all the things in our lives. Friends, our family, our cash, our cars,

our spirituality, our, uh, whatever. You know, you, you give thanks for your, uh, coconut cream pie for all I care. Just give thanks. I wonder if there's people that out there's like, hey, man, don't tell me what to do. I don't have to give thanks for anything, man. You know, you people are lucky I was born. You're lucky I'm here, man. How about give thanks for me, okay?

Don't tell me what I have to do. I don't care of it Thanksgiving. I'll do what I want. This is my life. And you're probably like a lot of people, you're with your family, you're with your friends, you get together, you put on the big feast, and you stuff your belly full of food.

Right? It's kind of weird that that's a given. And it's really, this is a time of year where maybe you shouldn't give thanks for Thanksgiving if you're dieting. Because it's almost impossible. I mean, there's people listening right now that are on a diet and they're like, ah, screw it. Give me another pie.

What? Yeah, I'll have another turkey leg. Screw it. Yeah, give me another mountain of mashed potatoes. I thought you were dieting. Yeah, I am. It's called it All You Can Eat Diet. how does it work you just eat everything give me some more cranberries for christ's sake

that's an interesting diet how much weight have you lost i've gained 400 pounds it's great failproof wow excellent shut up and let me eat your face you know it's just like you can't do it man you got to set the diet aside if you've got the willpower to not eat on Thanksgiving. You're, you should be the president. You should be, you should be giving lectures. You should be, you should have your own infomercial. Something. You should be a world superpower. It's kind of like, it's almost an excuse to break your diet. You're like, oh, I'm going to work out. I'm going to diet just up until Thanksgiving. And that I can break it.

it's like you ever do this you ever go to the movies you ever go to catch a movie at a movie theater and there's only nothing that great playing but you're just jonesing for those stupid snacks right you want to sit in the dark and shovel popcorn and hot dogs into your mouth and suck back a giant jug of coke that's it that's like that's thanksgiving man it's just like Give it to me. So there you go. And turkeys, you know, should give thanks as turkeys. Turkey's got to give them.

I mean, you know, listen. I know you're thinking, well, what are you talking about, man? Everybody, turkeys die at Thanksgiving. Yeah, well, thank God you're not a chicken. Okay, that's why a turkey should give thanks. Thank God you're not a cow or a pig or a sheep. turkeys have one big spike during the year thanksgiving maybe christmas two big spikes those are the days if you're a turkey you got to hide behind some bushes when humans start giving thanks get behind some bushes and when it's the birth of

christ's savior the lord who created all things including animals hide behind some bushes yeah thanks a lot Thanks for creating me, Lord. So you can eat me on your birthday. So whatever you're doing, happy Thanksgiving. And as always, as is a tradition here at the Harland Highway, at the end of the show, we will play the Thanksgiving turkey song. And, you know, you can groove out to that at the end of the show. It's kind of a weird, kooky song I found on the internet.

and I don't know. I just something catchy about it. I play it every year at Thanksgiving. So we've got to keep that going. But for now, let's move on. Let's get into the meat and potatoes and the turkey stuffing of the Harland Highway podcast. Here we go.

Cat, hat. In French, chat, chapeau. In Spanish, your agato and a sombrero. In German, your acaca in an hut. I also know. Herve your hookah. In a bunk of funky and Eskimo. By George, I think he's got it.

I think he's got what? I'll tell you what he's got. A monkey. What? We got a monkey killer on the loose, ladies and gentlemen. You're like, what? No. Yeah.

Check this one out, man. Talk about a demented world. Some guy broke into a zoo, tried to steal a monkey. A monkey bit him, and he killed it. What in the name of hell? Some guy in Boise, Idaho, a 22-year-old guy clubbed a monkey to death with a tree branch. This idiot, this idiot was, like, distraught, and he'd been fighting with his wife, and, you know, he didn't like his job.

and I guess he worked at a soup factory and this guy was what you'd call an onion bagger that was his thing he says I was a general laborer he said I bagged onions I mean I guess what more could we expect from an onion bagger right so this guy

he goes into the zoo he's been out drinking of course you know because who could steal a monkey, sober. That's dangerous work. So this guy, Michael J. Watkins, enters the zoo on Saturday morning. He manipulated a lock to get into this primate enclosure. And he removed a Pattis monkey.

I don't know what a Pattis monkey is, but, you know, it's still a monkey. so he removed a Pattis monkey by wrapping it in his jacket. Okay? And he said to the police, he said, I was going to throw the monkey outside the fence. So maybe it sounds like he was going to free the monkey. It sounds like he was breaking into the zoo to do this Pattis monkey a favor. And he wasn't able to get the thing over the fence,

so the monkey bit him. so here's this guy trying to free a patis monkey and the monkey shows his gratitude by biting the guy you know he bites the the onion bagger hell no man you ain't you ain't taking me outside i'm going to bite this onion bagger man so he he bites the onion bagger as he's being abducted and the onion bagger gets upset He's like, shit, no, that monkey just didn't bite me.

So the guy grabs a tree branch and bashes the monkey in the head and the neck. What the hell? Great rescue job, dude. We should have sent you in to get Osama. So a security guard sees this thing. And he goes in and intervenes here and the monkey died. And so this guys, I don't know what the criminal charges are. I don't know what the jail time is for a monkey murderer.

But it looks like the guys are going to get accused of killing livestock or other animals valued at more than $150. Excuse me. I'm sorry, but someone's got to stand up for the pat-ass monkey. I think they're worth more than $150, ladies. when was the last time you bought a patas monkey i'm sure they're worth more i mean i for 150 i can get a massage you're telling me for 150 dollars instead of a massage i could go out and get a patas monkey i mean 150 dollars is a family dinner at olive garden i would i would surely pass up a dinner at olive garden with my family if i could get my hands on a patas monkey

are you kidding me so this guy could get up to ten years in prison for the burglary and 14 years in prison for the grand theft charge can you imagine this guy in prison stuck in with all these criminals they're they're up there on grand theft auto and this guy's on grand theft patas You know what they do to monkey killers in jail? You know what they do to people who abuse children and child molesters? Prisoners don't like those guys, man. Okay? Prisoners, hardcore murderers and drug dealers,

even they shun child abusers and perverts. They kill them, man. They beat them up. They have to put those guys in a different area of the prison. So how do you think this onion bagger's going to do when he shows up in prison and he's a patas monkey killer because monkeys are just like hairy children right this kid's this guy's done for holy smokes um so what else went on here they interviewed the uh the guy's wife um they interviewed this guy's wife and uh she

This is what she had to say. Okay? He's not a malicious monkey murderer. How often in your life did you hear your wife say that? How often out there, ladies, have you had to defend your man? He's not a monkey murderer, I swear. He's a good guy. He's just a simple onion bagger.

He's not a monkey murderer. Stop it. Just stop labeling him. So the wife goes on to say, I'm thinking the monkey attacked him and he just tried to defend himself. I don't think he ever intended to kill it. He's just not that kind of guy. Well, dude, what the hell were you doing in the zoo? You hit a monkey in the head with a branch.

Yeah, I think you are trying to kill a monkey. What is it, a love tap? so there you go man i'm in a boycott onions and soup in memory of the patas monkey um so it's thanksgiving stick to you know go go bag a turkey you don't need to go have a patas monkey on the on the thanksgiving table okay hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more than that adam and eve wants to make your life easy they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority

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So Thanksgiving, we give thanks that the onion bagger is in jail and hopefully our Patas monkeys are having a nice Thanksgiving dinner with the remainder of what's left. of their wonderful pat-to-ass family. Cat, hat in French chatechapu, in Spanish, Elgato in a sombrero. In chauvin, I'm a kutzah and a hoot. And don't you know, I'm a guanca in a bunker quunk. In Eskimo?

You're a guanka in a bunker quank in Eskimo? Right. He's a guanca in a bunker quank in Eskimo. Is that not a bunker quunk? Yeah, not he's a bunker quunk. Bunka, Bunker, Gwanka, Wonka, yes, and needy that is so. He's a Gwanka and a Bunker Quankan Eskimo. Bunka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonk in Eskimo.

Speaking of wacky nationalities, did you hear about, they're giving out the details now of Bin Laden's burial at sea? and I got some questions about that. Do you think they really dumped Osama bin Laden into the ocean? Is there a reason for that? Do you think they're just saying that?

I mean, think about it. They saved Hitler's brain. They looked for Hitler and Stalin. They've got Stalin's brain, and they've got Einstein's brain, and they've got all these people that they save. And you've got to wonder if somewhere in a laboratory and a bunker under the earth in Colorado somewhere, there's Obama's brain is plugged into some electrodes and it's sitting in a jar of formaldehyde, just pulsing, sending out bad thoughts to the world. So I don't know.

I'm a little suspicious that they just, you know, throw that guy back in the sea. um and you got a figure i mean you got no control over where the thing goes right they bandaged it apparently they bandaged it all up they wrapped it and they washed it and you know the sea doesn't care what you put in it the sea the sea does what it wants with things so who knows you know for all we know osama bin laden could be washed up on a beautiful tropical beach in Tahiti right now. He could be somewhere in Fiji, resting underneath some coconut trees on some beautiful white sand, you know, living it up on a paradise island.

That's not the kind of ending that guy deserves. Or maybe he's floating around in the harbor and New York, taking in the sights and sounds. Oh, look, there's the Statue of Liberty. I missed that one. I should have blown up. Up, that little puppy. You know, who knows what that guy's up to?

It's crazy. And then you got to wonder, you know, if he's still bobbing around down deep. You know, what if they sunk him like right to the bottom? And one day in the future, one of these IMAX movie submarines goes down there. The Mysteries of the Deep, Deep, Deep down below. very bottom of the ocean, there are creatures and octopi that we have never seen before. And as we come around the crevasse, there's Osama bin Laden, right? Because the cold water at the bottom of the ocean preserves everything.

If anything drops down there, it kind of stays the way it is because it's so cold. You imagine you finally get to the very bottom of the ocean, and, There's Osama bin Laden sitting on a rock. It's like that statue of the thinker, right? He's naked sitting there with his fist under his chin, thinking about where everything went wrong. You know, this afterlife isn't so good at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe I should have retunked the whole 9-11 thing.

Oh, well, maybe some more calamari will help me forget. Right? Or imagine the, you know, what if the guy got eaten by a shark? Can you imagine as the shark's buddies in the shark school? Excuse me, you did what, man? You ate what? Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know until I got to the beard.

I just ate Osama bin Laden. Oh, dude, that's bad karma, man. Yeah, I know. I should have known, man. I should. I mean, this guy was over six feet tall. Tasted like a dialysis machine. I wasn't until I got the beard stuck in my teeth.

I swear to God, had I known, I wouldn't have eaten them. Oh, dude, you're going to hell, man. You got, you gotta, you gotta turd out that, you gotta turd out, you gotta turd out that terrorist, dude. I know, I got a big terrorist turd coming up, man. Big, fat terrorist loaf. Oh, dude, that's gonna hurt. Yeah, well, thank God, the beard's gone. So, I don't know, man.

did you really want to put that guy in the ocean? And, you know, listen, I'm a public citizen. You're a public citizen of the world. You know, it's bad enough they pollute the oceans with oil spills and people dumping their garbage and sewage and heroin needles and Dr. Pepper cans. Now I've got to worry about, you know, I go for a dip down in Tallahassee, Florida. You know, like, oh, what a great day for a little dip. You know, maybe I'll go frolic around in some waves.

You know, I'm catching a wave. I'm bodyboarding. I'm doing the backstroke, and I feel something nudge up against me. What the hell is that? Oh, just a terrorist. Oh, that's Osama bin Laden bumping into me. I couldn't have stepped on an old broken bottle. I had to have this guy bump into me.

Great. nice to meet you dude um you know what right do they have to drop a body in the ocean isn't that what the mafia does yeah go dump him in the water man he sleeps with the fishes now our government the u.s government's off off dumping dead bodies in the ocean no thanks maybe maybe see the guy on sale at some seashell shop down in You know, Tampa Bay, Florida. There's some driftwood, some coral. There's Osama bin Laden up on the wall,

shellacked beside the corpse of the alligator. They pulled out of the swamp. Wild stuff, man. Wild stuff. So I'm a little suspicious. I don't think they just get rid of his body like that, willy-nilly. For some reason, they feel the need to study the criminal mind.

They like to take the brain and dissect it and go, how is this brain different from all others? What made this brand the mastermind of 9-11? It's like, who cares? You're really going to get an answer by, you know, they carve up these brains like it's like, it's like, you know, an appetizer on a cheese plate, right?

You ever get a cheese plate and there's really thin slices of meat? Caprachio or whatever. whatever the hell it is. I don't know what that stuff's called. It's like an Italian, it's like raw meat, Capaccio, or some name like that. It's like a kind of Italian ham, and they slice it into paper-thin slices and put it on the plate with cheese, and I just picture that's what they do with these brains. That's what they did with Einstein's brain and Hitler's brain.

They just cut it into these wafer-thin slices. Can you imagine you're at a party? you're at a highfalut in Washington party Would you like some more brie Perhaps some blue cheese How about a slice of bin Laden Would you like some? Yes, it's delicious with the olive bread, yes

I mean, good Lord So yeah, there you go If you're swimming around, if you're out fishing You know, watch out, you might catch yourself a bin Laden Imagine that. There's some guy in Maine. Some guy who's like a lobster fisherman hanging over his fireplace. He's got like a sea trout and a grouper.

And Osama bin Laden's hanging in the den on the wall. Yeah, caught him in 2011. Yeah. Didn't put up much of a fight. I think he was already dead by the time I got him in the boat. But he's a keeper. That's a trophy fish right there. Oh, yeah.

Look at that beard. nice all right well let's uh let's move on here um i think it's time i think it's time we uh we're getting near the end of the podcast i think it's time for us to play the uh traditional harland highway thanksgiving song uh so you guys can uh enjoy your thanksgiving and um be part of the podcast tradition here so without further ado here it is the wacky weird Thanksgiving song turkey go bo go

go go go go go go go go go go go go turkey go go go go go go go go get thanks The pilgrim And his flag Roll, roared to Plymouth Rock

To eat turkey Gova, gova, gova, goba, give thanks Govogga, gobble, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, turkey Gava, turkey, come, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, give thanks To build from at his feast Young, young, young, eat a bird beast They come to me Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gav Gap

To kill from And then whites Slice, slice, slice, slice it with their knives They fought turdee Gubu, gauvgobo, gauvgobu Gavu Gavu Gapu Gapu Gapu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gapu Gavva Gavva Gavva Gavva Gavva Gap Gavu Gip back. There it is. There it is. Yes. The tradition continues. The turkey song. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Seriously, have a great time, a great holiday. Enjoy all the things you have. in life on a more somber note which really drives home the thanksgiving theme and giving thanks

a friend of mine quite recently and quite suddenly passed away in a tragic car accident my racquetball buddy Jake who was just one of the nicest friendliest guys I've ever known in my life a wonderful human being and uh around 29 years old and uh just unexpectedly driving down the road was uh taken from us hit hit by a car and uh nothing uh can be more shocking nothing can uh be more um poignant when it comes to reminding us how precious our lives are and i know we all have tough days and we all have tough challenges that sometimes we think are insurmountable. We have relationship problems and money problems and social problems and all the things that seem to stack up. But just remember, no matter what's going on, it can all be taken away in a blink

of an eye. So please give thanks, honestly, for all the things you have. And don't let life pile up on you. Remember, nothing's that bad. I think if you look at your problems today and ask yourself, well, will this matter to me a year from now? Will I even be thinking about this? Chances are you won't be. So let it go. Enjoy every day. It is precious. Give thanks. And I give thanks for my friend Jake for his friendship for the time he was here and uh god bless him and god bless you guys happy thanksgiving and uh if you're not having turkey well i'm guessing you're having a great big bowl of chicken chalman baby well what do you know a ham sandwich