The Harland Highway - 450: The WALKING DEAD, and Senior Fuentes!

Episode Date: November 26, 2012

Today we discuss the grossness of zombies, Christmas spoilers, are you an addict?, the question of the day, and a visit from Harland's gardener, Senior Fuentes. Bless your blisters!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What in the name of sweet glory? Well, I'll tell you what in the name of sweet glory. It's the Harland Highway. Glory, glory. Hallelujah. Welcome, everybody. I am Harlan Williams. You are riding down the Harlan Highway.

And we got a great show for you today, like we always do. We're going to be talking about the Walking Dead. There's an aspect of the Walking Dead. The hit zombie show that nobody. he's really talked about yet and probably because it's so disgusting why would they but you know me i'm provocative i will talk about anything i need to right here uh we will have the harland highway question of the day um and an interesting story in the news a santa spoiler somebody doesn't want kids to believe in santa wait till you hear about this nutbag um also uh are you in are you an addict

I have a feeling every one of you listening might be addicted to this thing and I'm going to talk about it today I think I'm talking a bunch of addicts and you'll see what I'm talking about also Christmas are you traveling this Christmas are you going to miss putting up a tree and lights and all that stuff because you're traveling

that's a bummer and speaking of bummers my gardener Senor Fuentes is dropping by I don't know why I never do because this is the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

All right Let's get this sucker going huh You are causing a major disturbance on my time It's the

Harland Highway What's up Brock If I'm here And you're here Doesn't that make it our time I have come

here to chew bubble gum And kick ass Am I hallucinating here Just what in the hell do you think you're doing

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Here we go. There's the Christmas music. Guess what time a year it is. Oh, yeah. It's beginning to look a lot

like Christmas. Everywhere you go. Do-de-de-de-de-do-l-lady. Do it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, except in one place, okay? Here's our first Christmas story of the season, and what a treat this one is, okay? Let's kick it off with a, huh? A man was arrested after telling kids Santa isn't real. Now, we've all heard that happen before, but check out how it went down.

Okay, a small town in Canada, Kingston, Ontario, a place I've been to, okay? A real-life Grinch was arrested after he spoiled the holiday cheer at a press. Parade, telling children that Santa wasn't real. So here he was at the Santa Claus Parade. It's one thing to whisper it in a kid's ear, but to walk around at a parade. So here's where it gets funny, man. The unidentified 24-year-old man who had his hair geled to look as though devil horns were protruding from his head. Come on

Was arrested by police in the town of Kingston During the annual Santa Claus parade The St. Nick Naysayer faces criminal charges For causing a disturbance By being drunk And breach of probation Do you believe this? The guy went to the trouble

He gets hammered Gets like some of that extra strong hair gel himself Satan horns and wanders through the parade telling kid Santa isn't real. Imagine you're a four-year-old kid looking up into the face of that guy. Santa's not real, kid. They say it was pretty despicable that someone during this time of year would tell kids Santa isn't real, which of course, we would argue, he is real, right? do we know he's not real can we prove it um so there you go what a way to kick off the holiday season

right out of the way right out of the gate devil horns mcgee comes comes out and ruins it do you remember how old you were when you stopped believing in santa um do you remember do you remember an age do you remember a specific moment where it happened where you took that turn and just right now come on it's funny how your brain works right for the first little while you you believe it but then your brain starts to do some physics right your little your little baby juvenile brain starts to do some physics and you actually go outside and you look at your chimney and you go wait a minute the top of that chimney is it's like a clay pipe it's it's like uh it's like seven inches across and five inches wide it's physically impossible for a

fat man and a red suit to climb down there with a bag of toys or worse yet what if you're a kid who lives in a condo or an apartment building and there are there is no fireplace uh yeah he squeezed through the vent he squeezed through the air conditioning vent billy that's not possible yeah he came up through the toilet johnny but there's no access into our house how could anyone put he came up through the toilet you know i mean how do you explain it it's just it's just

so i think i must have been around uh i don't know probably the same age as everyone else you know when you when you start putting the pieces together on how the world works it must have been maybe like five or six maybe you start the seeds of doubt the seeds of suspicion and it's not like you're a kid

and you plan this you don't sit down and go I'm going to disprove this theory it's just it kind of just drifts into your head you're like wait a minute hold on So there you go. Don't ruin it for kids any faster than you have to. I mean, how many things in life that are kind of fantasy driven

do we get to hold on to that are full of charm and magic and, you know, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny and Santa Claus and your dirty Uncle Larry? How long do you get to hold on to these iconic joy-filled figures. So don't ruin it. And come on, man. Let's have a good Christmas.

And speaking of good Christmases, we will be having our annual Christmas Day parade coming up in the very near future on the podcast. John and John will be commentating on the wonderful floats that come down the road at the Harland Highway annual Christmas parade.

So we got that to look. forward to hey oh yeah yeah christmas is a fun time a year what oh oh no no no no no no roger what is he doing here oh for god's what is he doing here oh for god's sakes I'm in the middle of a podcast. I don't want them in here. Oh, for God's sakes. What in the name of hell? Hello, senor.

My name is Senor Fentz. I know who you are. You're my gardener. I hired you. That's right, senor. I've been working for you for many years. Yeah, so what are you doing here? I'm doing my podcast.

Signor, I thought it's very important that I drop by. My name is Senor Fenthe. Stop saying your name. I know who you are. Thank you, Signor. Thank you for acknowledging my existence, Signor, Stop it! What are you doing here? Oh, yes, signor.

I came by. I wanted to ask you something about Christmas. What? I wondered if I could hang your balls, signor. Excuse me? I want to hang your balls. Don't... What are you talking about hanging my balls?

Your Christmas balls, signor? outside the house every year we hang your balls in the trees okay why do you have to ask me that well i just want to make sure i don't want to put your balls up in the trees too early seor okay you can put my balls in the trees thank you senor stop don't make me say what what senor don't make me say that what you can hang my balls in the trees it sounds weird well it's just something we do every year Here, seigneur, it's a tradition. I know it's a tradition, so just do it.

What, hang your balls in the trees, signor? Yes. I'll throw them over the branches, signor. Okay. And they'll dangle in the wind, seor. Okay, throw my balls over the branches and let them dangle in the... Oh, come on! What, seigneur?

You're making me say stuff that doesn't sound like Christmas. It sounds like something else. What, signor? Well, okay, you're making me say... What, did your balls? will hang over the branches and dangle in the wind? Yes! Now just go home and do it.

Well, before I go, senor, I have to ask you some more things. What? Is it all right if I spit on your balls, senor? What are you talking about? Well, the balls are very dirty, senor. They've been sitting in the garage getting dusty. Are you saying my balls are dusty? Exactly, signor.

Oh, God. So what do you want to do? I want to spit on your balls and shine them up before I hang them in the trees to dangle, Signor. Oh, for crying out loud. Do you not want me to do it, Signor?

Do what? Hang your balls in the trees all shiny. Yes, I want you to hang my balls all shiny. So are you saying I can... Yes, you can spit on my balls. Thank you, Signor. I shall spit on them and shine them so they're all nice and purple and green.

My balls aren't purple. and green. Yes, signor, we bought some new ones last year. What? Well, we add the red ones and the gold ones, but this year your balls will be purple and green and shiny. Stop saying my balls are purple and green and shiny and dangling in the trees, senor. All right, get out of here. Why are you so upset, senor? Because you make it sound like something else, okay? All I'm asking about is speeding all over your balls and dangling them into trees so they blow back and forth and clank in the wind, signor. They're not going to clank in the wind.

I certainly hope birds don't fly into your balls, Signore, and they're not, birds are not going to fly into my balls. Get out. I want you out of here. Go hang the balls. Yes, signor. Out. What an idiot.

God, he makes me feel dirty. And should I pick up some Christmas nuts at the grocery store? Get out! God, Roger, why do you let them in here? Unbelievable. Let's get back to the show. God! Christmas balls.

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And speaking of creepy, have you been watching The Walking Dead, this zombie show? This new season, it looks like they finally got it back on track. I mean, there was a season there last year where I actually started tuning it out because it was just, it became a soap opera. It became more about these characters and their crying fits and their drama and their relationships. And, you know, most of the show centered around all their emotional BS and there was hardly any zombies. It's like there are certain shows where to be like a minute worth of zombie a show.

And it's like, you know what, I'll tune in to days of our lives or general hospital. I want that BS. So this season, thank God, there's a ton of zombies on every episode. There's some zombie getting his head cut off or his throat slashed or like they're really utilizing the zombies, which is I think that the aspect of the show that keeps us fascinated and keeps us scared and keeps us interested because it's so different, right? but I started thinking there was a few scenes in this season already where you see the zombies like eat people

and then they show the zombies later on with their stomachs like all bulged out like you know they've just ate like a giant meal they've basically eaten another human being and their gut has like grown like you know they look like they're pregnant and it got me thinking and as if zombies aren't disguised It's disgusting enough, but this is kind of foul, but I think we need to ask this question. What the hell does a zombie turd look like, and worse, what does it smell like? I mean, let's face it, folks, on a bad day, on a good day, a human loaf is disgusting enough, okay? I don't even want to get into it.

But imagine what does the turd of a zombie smell and look like? Obviously, they're still living. They've got to pass stuff through their zombie digestive system, right? I mean, when's the episode when we see a zombie like squatting in the middle of the street? Dropping like chunks of human? you ever heard of an owl pellet when owls when owls eat mice

they produce what's called an owl pellet they regurgitate all the fur and the bones and it looks like a turd and they drop it on the ground and uh that's one way you know there's an owl around if you see they're usually like little gray pellets and it's all like this matted hair and you can actually you can actually pick them up

because it's not really a turd. It's like a vomit bomb, right? They regurgitate it. And if you pull these clumps of fur open, you can actually see like mouse skulls and bones. So it made me wonder what the hell's a zombie bomb look like. What's a great big zombie loaf full of? Oh, there's a watch.

There's a bracelet. There's my sister's hand. there's uh there's my uncle uh billy's uh eyes looking up at me out of that poo there's uh there's a foot and some toenails there's a there's a big one over there that's a leg just see a zombie dropping a leg out of his zombie butt and we imagine the stink i mean healthy humans stink enough when they when they defecate. What's a zombie turd smell like, man?

Holy God. What happens to the world when zombies get diarrhea? And again, I know this is hard to listen to, man. This is tough stuff to talk about, man. But it's human biology. I mean, good Lord. Imagine you, you've all stepped in dog shit.

What's that feel like when you step in a zombie turd on the side of the road. You're locking down the street looking for a store to pilfer because the world's ended. You're just out with your rifle trying to break into a grocery store

and clear off the shells. Lottie up. You step in a giant zombie turd. I mean, that's probably acidic and probably eat through your footwear, man. So, you know, for the producers, the writers, the people who created the Walking Dead,

there's your next storyline. Let's examine these zombies even further. If you really want to scare us, if you really want to terrify us, have a zombie dropping a deuce over a log or something. I don't know, up on the hood of a car.

Dropping a bomb, dropping a loaf, a zombie loaf. man. Disgusting. But it's a disgusting show, so let's get it going, man. The Walking Dead. The Walking DiHariha. There's a gross bastard. I don't know. At least we know. And speaking of needing to know, um, do you need to know if you're an addict or not? I think it's possible.

I think there's a lot more addicts out there today than we realize, and when I say addict, I'm talking directly to you. You might be an addict. Here's how many times a day do you check your Twitter or your Facebook or your MySpace or your email? How many times a day? Think about it. you know the answer you probably do it a lot man you probably do it a lot you might be addicted to it

and it's it's funny the culture has changed it was it was a time where you know back in the day when we didn't have the cell phones and the internet it's like you would go to your mailbox every day with the same anticipation you would literally go out to your mailbox or you'd you'd wait for the mailman to shove some letters through your slot and be like gee i wonder what what i'm going to get today how cool would it be to get a letter how cool would it be to get something from someone to connect with someone but you couldn't be you couldn't be like manic about it all you could do is wait once a day the mailman came and it was always a pleasant surprise it was exciting if you got a letter somebody sent you a package someone sent you a

note someone sent you a sexy picture whatever right but the most you could do was like once a day you could anticipate that coming and the reality is we probably didn't think about it that much but i think we all like getting mail we all like getting messages right and so now we're at a place where it's like i think a lot of us want a message or a air quotes piece of mail every few minutes. And I've had days where I've gone in there, and I've said, gee, I wonder if anyone's written to me on Facebook. I wonder if anyone twittered me.

I've had days where I've done that, and that's what got me thinking. Is this a problem? Is this going to get worse? Am I going to keep doing that? And I figure if I'm doing it, then everybody's doing it, right? So my question is, do you, how many times a day? people do you do you check on this stuff do you do it every five minutes do you do it when you're driving do you do it every 10 minutes do it every half hour do you do it every hour do you

do it just before you go to bed is it the first thing you do when you wake up do you do it when you're at a restaurant do you have to do it when you're with friends even though you're with your friends and your family gee I'm surrounded by friends but I better see if more friends are reaching out to me I can't have enough friends I've got 15 of my friends with me right now, my best friends, but there might be other friends. I must collect these friends. I must hear from them. Right?

Do you think about it at night? Do you have trouble going to sleep if you don't check? Are you disappointed if there's no message there? Maybe just before bed. Oh, who's going to wish me a good night's sleep? Nobody. Oh, I just woke up, rises. and shine. Let me check my Twitter. Let me check my email. Let me check my Facebook. Nobody.

Oh, my God. What a horrible day. Nobody cares about me. I have no friends. And then you ever do this? You drop the bait in the water. You chum the water. You start frantically sending out texts and emails and Facebooks. You reach out to 10 or 50 because you know eventually you're going to get a reply, right? so you don't necessarily even want to talk to them. You're just like, well, if I write them a text now, they'll have to text me back at some point, or they'll have to Facebook me back, and then I'm going to have some incoming stuff.

My addiction will be served. I'm going to be fed. So there you go, man. Check yourself. And in fact, check yourself into the Betty Ford Clinic. I wonder if they have a technology ward now. Or there's just addicts, you know, sitting in a padded room, rocking back and forth. Their text thumbs twitching.

But they're deprived of their electronical devices, their iPads, and their cell phones. And their fingers are just quivering because they're having, like, twitch response. It's like restless finger syndrome. Restless text finger syndrome. I must text. I've got a text. Where is everyone? Where's all my friends?

right i don't know man and you see people doing it on the street everywhere they go walking around not paying attention it's kind of goofy man so uh you better check check yourself make sure you're not an addict uh-huh and once you find out text me and let me know hello oh yeah um so there you go lot of questions today. A lot of questions like zombie poop. What does it, what does it look like? Are you an addict? And even though we've asked those questions, we really haven't asked the question of the day. So here it is the Harland Highway question of the day. All right. The question today is, you know how when you get a helium balloon and you suck it in? And you talk like this? Your voice goes up. What would happen if Mickey Mouse sucked in a helium balloon? Because he already talks like this. So would his voice just become like a dog whistle?

Would it become so high, like higher than Mariah Carey's voice, that whenever Mickey talked, it would just sound like like dogs would come running. from all over the place to figure out what this noise was? I don't know. I don't have the answer. That's why it is the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway Question of the day.

So Christmas time, the holidays, whatever you celebrate, Hanukkah, or whatever it is, you know, everything shuts down for the holidays, all the work. And a lot of people travel, a lot of people go. home go back to where they're from their town their city their state of origin whatever and i find whenever i do it there's a sadness to it there's a happiness and that you're going to see everyone you know and spend time with your family but there's a sadness is that if you celebrate christmas the way i have my whole life um you miss out on a key component of the holidays which is decorating your house and putting up Christmas lights

and all that great stuff buying a Christmas tree and putting it up and so what happens is you get caught in this this Netherland where you know you're going home for the holidays so you don't go out and you don't buy a tree

you don't get the lights you don't string up you're like what's the point I'm not going to be here so why do all this work why put all this stuff up when I'm leaving I won't even be around and then I'll be gone and by the time I come back Christmas is over and all this stuff will be up and it's like idiot why'd you do that right and then so the other thing is

you're flying or you're driving or whatever you do and you get to where you're going and all the stuff's already up at the other end because you're in that zone in between you know the holidays in between when you when you leave your house and get to the house you're going to and those folks, because they're living there, they've put the tree up, they've put the lights up, they've put the tinsel up, whatever it is. And you're just kind of left hanging. And you didn't get to participate in any of that kind of festive decoration stuff.

And it's a bit of a bummer. It's a bit of a drag. You feel left out because there's a certain ritual, there's a certain tradition to doing stuff like that. I got to say one of the most joyous things in life for me is putting up that Christmas tree. It's very therapeutic. I don't know how you feel about erecting the Christmas tree, but the concept of sticking it in the Christmas tree holder

and trimming a couple of the lower branches off and pulling out the decorations and putting the lights around and hanging all the Christmas ornaments and putting a candy cane on there and putting a star on top. It's a very nice, peaceful feeling. It's almost spiritual, right? Because, you know, Christmas reminds us of the time of year of giving and sharing and loving.

And it's a peaceful time of year. It's a joyous time of year. And nothing brings that to light more than that Christmas tree and the scent of the pine or the ballast. or the fir, whatever type of tree you put up if you're using a real tree, it's almost like it's like almost triggers your pheromones or whatever the hell they're called. You know, they say, you know, we have a chemical reaction to people and certain sense and it triggers emotions and feelings inside our brains and our bodies.

I think the whole ritual and the scent of the Christmas tree and putting it up and, you know, every year you do this thing. I think it's a very calming experience, and it's a very heartwarming experience, and it's a very, it kind of makes you bubble up with joy. It makes you feel good. And when you stand back and look at your work and you plug in those lights and the tree lights up,

and you're like, ah, it makes you feel a bit like a kid again, man. And so I guess what I'm saying, I don't even know, maybe I should have brought it up. Maybe I'm going to depress you by bringing it up. But it's like it's kind of sad that we lose. We lose that little ritual when we travel. We don't get to partake in that event, those festivities. But nonetheless, you kind of let it go and you get to where you got to go.

And hopefully they've got it decked out. And I guess you kind of get the same feeling once you, you see everything and once you're participating in a Christmas with all that stuff that you love but it does kind of suck that you don't get to get to do it well i told you i was going to hang your balls signor all right get out of here you can help me hang your balls if you want senor out unbelievable let's end the show right here right now that guy comes back send you're Wendez. Let's Senor Fuentes.

Out! Guys still hanging around this studio. All right, folks. Well, that is it. Here we go. We're getting into the holidays. And, you know, it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.

It's just getting going. But that's it for today. Please check out harlowewilms.com. Join us at Twitter. and Facebook so I can get addicted to you. And what else can I tell you? Don't forget to check out all things comedy, which is a podcast website that I have my show on as well.

Please go there and check out all the other podcasts and comedy news. And what else can I tell you? Don't forget my new special will be coming out in the news. year, January 15th, Harland Williams, A Force of Nature. It's really special. I'm going to be posting some clips on the internet, probably this week of his first look, sneak peek,

at my new special that was shot out in the middle of the desert, up on a hill in the middle of the daytime, without an audience. It's pretty kooky, man. I think you're going to like it. So that's it, man. Get those Christmas balls hanging. And until next time. chicken chalemain baby