The Harland Highway - 451: EPISODE 2 FLASHBACK SHOW

Episode Date: November 29, 2012

As requested by the Pavement Pounders, we are slowly rolling out the first 42 episodes, as they have not been posted. This is the 2nd Highway podcast ever produced, hope you enjoy!! Blinkety blunkity blink!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hi there, Corn Cobb. Hey, gang, it's me, Harland Williams, your host. This is the Harland Highway, and as promised, as requested by you, the listeners, the first 45 episodes of the Harland Highway were never posted. They were put up, but then taken down. And so lots of you guys have been requesting for me to do flashback shows, and I didn't want to do them too close together because I didn't want to overwhelm you with flashback shows.

But this is number two. This is the number two Harland Highway podcast ever. And we're slowly going to work our way to 45 over the next year. And I hope you enjoy it. Just remember that some of the references might be dated in here. Any of the announcements that I have are old. If I'm plugging a comedy club or anything like that, it's old. But I hope you dig it.

This is the Harland Highway number two flashback and rock and roll right here on the Harland Highway. Hiway! Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important.

You are important. My name is Tosita, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning. You ever hear that little song? People wake up in the morning and they always sing. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood A beautiful day for a neighbor

That sounds kind of like that That Ten Commandment Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife I just realized that The Mr. Rogers song, oh my God Remember Mr. Rogers' neighborhood? It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood It's a beautiful day for a neighbor

that's a very suggestive lyric right there it either means like the milkman knows that the husband's gone to work and as he delivers the milk as if there's any milkman delivery anymore he helps himself to a neighbor ding dong hello hi Mrs. Johnson it's Eddie the milkman

Oh, hi, Eddie. Um, here's your milk. Oh, thank you. Looks delicious. And it's a beautiful day for a neighbor. Oh, oh, what do you mean? Well, you are a neighbor. Yes, that's true.

And it's a beautiful day for one. Oh, you mean me? You betcha. Well, okay, come on in. Such a cheery little song. want to do a 69 right away? You betcha. Wow.

But anyways, I was singing, Good morning, good morning, good morning. Good morning, good morning. People like to sing little good morning songs. It doesn't really happen in the afternoon. You're not sitting in your cubicle on the 12th floor of your office building that resembles a giant tombstone.

and the boss bursts in at 2.36 p.m. Good mid-afternoon, good mid-afternoon, good mid-afternoon. How are you? How are you? How is the mechanister documents coming along? The mechanister documents? That sounds like some kind of UFO conspiracy. In 1947, the McAnister documents were sent to Roswell, where the United States government covered up an alien landing in the small town of Mechanister, a very Scottish community that doesn't like bulbous-headed aliens. What the hell's that out in the front lawn, man?

Look at that, the little bastard put a big flying disc on my fresh new grass. Get off me lawn, you big-headed bulbous-eyed fly. freak. Shiver me timbers. Somebody get me nessy. Then I'll eat if you're breakfast, you alien bastards. Cool on with you then. I don't know. Why would the Scottish hate aliens of all people? I think the Scottish are warm, friendly people. They're always going, Go on, give us a kiss, then.

Go on. Give us a kiss. Shiver me timbers. Give us a kiss there. Shiver me timbers. I don't think they say that part. The shiver me timbers. Who came up with shiver me timbers?

What does that even mean? Was there some lumberjack somewhere who liked his firewood cold? So he'd go out. into the forest and chop down trees in the dead of winter. Ah, these timbers, they be chilly, these timbers. Every fiber of this giant red pine tree, ah, she be chilled through and through like a nice fine chilled wine. Ah, I shall chop me down this timber,

and I shall carry her home on me shoulder and stuff her in my freezer. and by God, man, I shall shiver me timbers. Huh? And why was I talking like a pirate? I'm all over the place today, people. I'm going from Scotsman to pirates, to aliens, to horny milkmen. We are off.

This is a good morning, even though it might be afternoon where you are, or it could be the middle of the night. I don't know that's the mystery of radio the mystery of radio the mystery of radio you never know when it's being broadcast

you never know when it's being recorded am I live or am I dead I mean am I live or is this pre-recorded the mystery of radio coming this fall to the heart Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew Channel on NBC.

Now, wait a minute. If they had their own channel, why would it be on NBC? That makes no sense at all. I just said, coming to the Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew channel, coming to NBC. That's like a channel within a channel. And you got to figure if mystery sluice like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys are going to have a channel, since their whole gig, their whole racket is mystery, maybe they don't give it a number.

Maybe the mystery, the fun of that channel is you have to find it on your satellite network television menu. I can't even talk. You know? It's like, I think I watch the Nancy Drew Hardy Boy channel. Oh, wait a minute. Where is it? I'm clicking through there.

Okay, there's National Geographic Channel. There's sci-fi. There's the Food Network. Where is that mystery? Where are those little mystery solvers? This is crazy. This is a new mystery. The mystery of the Nancy Drew Hardy Boys Channel.

I don't know what I'm talking about. This is mental. Although I didn't mention National Geographic. and have you noticed National Geographic is trying to be all hip now, right? They're like, they're shortening their name like the way KFC did and, you know, all these corporate entities

are starting to shorten their names. KFC and I can't think of some of the other ones, but you know what I'm talking about. and so now national geographic channel that prestigious stoic name that iconic brand is trying to hip itself out and now it's called nat geo we are nat geo like if we didn't know what national geographic meant initially like if they just came out out of the gate. Hi, we're Nat Geo. Uh, okay, and what the hell are you? What the hell is a Nat Geo? Oh, well, we're National Geographic. Okay, and what the hell is National Geographic? Is that like geography teachers flying all over

the planet and sticking flags in the ground? I proclaim this continent, National Geographic. And my students who are watching, do your homework. Mark, you little bastards? I don't like it. Nat Geo. I mean, National Geographic is a brand name that we affiliate with scientific research

and the digging up of dinosaur bones and the journey into human anatomy and human behavior and the preservation of exotic rare species. Today we are preserving the Chinese mung-mong bird. There is only seven left. Oh, I shouldn't have stepped on those eggs right there. There's only two left. But to hip the g-o down, I don't like it.

Some things just have to stay their full title. Like the Ten Commandments. It's not like the T-Cs. hey man you just broke one of the tc's man oh yeah which one uh like thou shalt not kill player oh okay i didn't know about that one yeah that's right that's thou shalt not kill that's tc number seven man oh i only made it to number four yeah well you a jackass player you know let's let's leave National Geographic right where it is, okay? National Geographic.

Da-da-da-da-da-ta-da-ta-ta-da-ta-ta-ta-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-to-ta-ta-ta-ha. Take down a great white shark and eat its face. Well, I don't, wait a minute. could a lion and a great white shark ever meet doth the two ever meeteth i don't know why i want shakespearean there and i don't think meeteth is a word i think uh what about meeteth bunker oh are she shut up meateth oh yeah she just she just turned into curly wow everything's spinning out of control I got Meadeth Curly Bunker.

Oh, aren't she? Oh, geez, damn, mideth. What is happening to me? But National Geographic, man, you know, here's what I don't like about National Geographic. This is what pisses me off where they seem to be up on their high horse, okay? um dig this if if you go uh out into the desert right like if national geographic goes out into the desert with a camera crew and a bunch of their peeps and their scientists and whoever and they they get some shovels and you know they dig up a stiffy well all of a sudden they got

themselves a mummy and they're researchers, right? Okay. But if, let's say me or you, like go out on a Saturday night with a couple of our buddies and we stop by the Home Depot and buy some brand new Home Depot shovels and we head up to Mount Pleasant graveyard in the middle of the night with a six pack of bud and a football and we dig up a body. suddenly we're grave robbers. Okay.

Net Geo, suddenly they've got a mummy. But if we dig one up, we're grave robbers. Can't even have a throw back a bud and throw the skull around in the graveyard under the full moon, you know, play a little touch football. Hey, man, I'm going deep. Pass it over here. Oh, right in the eye socket. Ouch. Ooh, I got maggots on my fingers.

Okay, that's morbid. But, uh, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's day, morning, or night. I don't know where you are. But wherever you are, welcome to the Harland Highway. Here we go. Sit back. Get ready to laugh.

Get ready to be entertained. It's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful night. It's a beautiful kite that kid's flying over there. I just had to rhyme it. I couldn't just leave it without a rhyme. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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So sit back and joy. You are on the Harland Highway with me, Harland Williams. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here, riding along with you into the twilight, getting your home nice and safe. And I hope at your homes, you are recycling. I'm recycling a bunch of words I've used before in the past. I'm using them right now. All these words you're listening to right now are recycled.

I've said them all. I want you to think about ways you can reuse things. Like, here's something I do that's fun, and you might want to try it. For those of you that eat a lot of ribs and chicken, T-bone steaks, things like that, there's always a lot of bones left over. It's like an Indian burial ground at the dinner table when everyone's finished picking their ribs.

But save those bones, people, the rib bones and the chicken bones, the Thanksgiving turkey bones. Let them bleach, put them up on the roof for a little while so your house looks like the Texas chainsaw massacre joint. And when they're nice and dry, bring them back inside and get a little paleozoic on your own asses. Get the crazy glue and construct a fossilized dinosaur. Just make a T-Rex out of all those bones.

Make a stigosaurus or a Molocodon or a tri-tip stacosaurus. using that T-bone and give them to your kids for Christmas what'd you get for Christmas Billy I got a tyranny story's wrecks and my room smells like a combo plate oh my goodness goodness goodness goodness goodness goodness goodness a goodness I don't know why I said it so many times um but I did and I'm proud of myself um so i've been thinking about you know we all know that michael jackson died and um you know he's been gone for a little while now and you keep hearing his songs on the radio and he's one of these guys that's so iconic that he just kind of you almost feel like he's not dead right because i was

like michael jackson doesn't die what the thriller the thriller ain't no dead guy he's the thriller man he's billy jean he's look he's the man in the mirror man that guy don't die um but yeah he did die and it's weird you got to wonder like you know they say that god created all of us right and if you believe that and you think you're going back to heaven and you check in with the creator at the end of your journey do you think michael jackson old jacko might have screwed himself and let me explain um okay when i die i'm going to show up at the gates of heaven and i'll still be me but i'll be a little older i was born a caucasian male um i started out as a little boy and hopefully i grow to be an old Man, and when I get to the pearly gates, God says,

Ah, yes, Harland Williams, I recognize you. What a charming, wonderful life you had. Oh, sir, you really did, sir. If God sounds like Mr. Magoo, I don't know if I want to go there. I might just take a pass. Oh, then you can go. Oh, straight to hell. sir. Oh, God. You've done it again, sir. I don't want God to sound like Magoo. Just be God with your deep

authoritative voice and your masterful command of languages and drama. But anyways, getting back to Michael, what is God going to do when MJ, Jacko, or what did he do when when jackson showed up at the pearly gates ding dong hello hi uh yes hi it's me i'm michael uh who michael jackson uh i'm sorry i don't recall yeah i used to be black but um I had my skin peeled and now I'm white I'm sorry what yeah I used to be black

I was a whole different color I was a whole different race of people and I just went to my dermatologist and he gave me the special skin cream special um I don't you look Diana Ross

well yeah I had a little facial work done too I used to look very boy man and I had charming All-American looks But I thought You know Diana Ross is kind of cute So why not go there? I'm not following

Well look in my eyes I got the eyeliner And my nose Yes keep that nose away from me It just cut my loin cloth Because God wears a loincloth But isn't Michael Jackson in the end And no disrespect

we all love Michael or not but that nose of his at the end of the game that nose was like a glass cutter that was probably the pointiest nose I have ever seen I mean that thing I just pictured the front of a sailboat cutting through the wind that guy probably had zero wind resistance and that's probably a good thing he was so frail he probably would have tumble down the road like a tumbleweed. Maybe that was his strategy. Oh my God, Michael Jackson, you skinny mutant genius. Michael Jackson got his nose reconstructed to be so pointy so that it could cut through the wind resistance and prevent his frail little frame from being tossed around like a rotten cabbage in the back of a lettuce truck.

Can you imagine that poor little fellow? What do you weigh about 45 pounds? Chee-he! Slightest little beautiful summer breeze. Ah, it's two miles an hour. Help. Somebody throw a chain around me. Oh, ah, Billy Jean, help.

Billy Jean's not my brother, but help. Yeah. Wow. But anyways, you know, God might have trouble recognizing Michael. Not many people change their skin color. Okay, a few people here and there get the cosmetic surgery, okay? That's becoming common. But when you change your whole skin color and you start off looking. like a man and at the end of your days you're like a demented diana ross you know you're one of

the platters or whatever they have what was her her group the shylocks or diana ross and the thin setics the thin setics or what was it diana ross and the shishkabob some one of those crazy doo-wop names there was always there's always the main star and then the other one just get kind of clumped together. Yeah, it's, uh, Billy Jones and the crickets. No, that was Buddy, it's Buddy Holly and the Crickets. Boy, that's demeaning, isn't it? Yeah, I'm a star.

My name's Buddy Holly. I'm clearly the front man. And, um, yeah, all my talented musicians, uh, yeah, they're just crickets. Say hello, guys. Yeah, that guy plays the drums And there's my guitarist Okay, shut up

And there's my harp player I don't know why I have a harp player But I'm Buddy Holly, I do what I want Shut up or I'll throw a lizard on you I mean, God but I don't remember what Diana Ross's little troupe was. But anyways, Michael, wherever you are, you brought everybody a lot of joy,

a lot of happiness with your music. I guess people will think about your death for many years to come, but mostly they'll think about your life. They will celebrate your life. and if you were still alive, I can only imagine what it would be like if you came to visit me here at the Harland Highway. What? Who's here? What is he doing here?

Oh, come on, man. I don't want to interview him again. No, he creeps me out. Send him in. I don't know where you guys got this guy. Okay, so here it is. This guy's been outside of the country. He's not doing an interview.

with anybody. Somehow my producers pick them up. Say hello to Michael Jackson in the studio with me again. Oh God. How are you, Michael? I'm doing good. It's very nice to be here. So you've been like a recluse for over a year. Why are you coming out now? Why are you here? Well, I just want people to know that just because I'm gone. I'm still bad. You're what? I'm bad. I'm bad. You're bad. Yeah, I remember my song, I'm bad? Yeah, I remember your song where you're jumping around in the subway with your greasy hair and grabbing your squirrel food. He said squirrel food.

It's not funny. Yeah, but squirrel's food's funny. Oh, God. So what, you're here to let everyone know you're what, you're still bad, even though you're not on the continent anymore? Yeah, that's right, I'm bad. I'm bad, and I'm special. Oh, don't say that in here. What, special?

Don't say it. Special. I'm asking you not to say it. I have rules here, and there's just something creepy about it. Special. Okay. Okay, so you're bad. Are you done?

No, I'm not done. I want to tell you the rest. What's the rest? I'm big. I'm bad. Shum. Shamon, Shaman, I'm bad. Sharmone, you know it, I'm bad.

And I'm special. Oh, God, okay. Out. Where am I going? I don't care where you go. Go get some squirrel food. Get him out. He's creepy.

I'm special. Out, out, out. Just don't let him in. Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Or in your case, pieces, I guess, with all the cosmetic surgery, all the pieces you had put on your body. And no disrespect.

We have a little fun with Michael, but again, he did bring us his gift, despite his shortcomings and things we may not have liked about him. On the scale of human accomplishments and human achievements and on the scale of touching people in the human race, he certainly, and I don't mean touching touching, I mean touching them spiritually and musically and creatively. We tip our hat to that. right um and speaking of tipping your hat um what does that even mean i guess it means you tip your hat

uh hey thanks for the service man uh you were really efficient tonight i love the way you um brought the food to the table so quickly um you were polite you were kind um you you had all the specials down and just overall fantastic service. Here, let me give you a tip. And it's a hat. Do you see where this? Okay. By the way, don't forget, you can email me here at the Harland Highway.

Just go back to the website, Harlanwiliams.com. And, you know, make yourself known to me. shoot me an email you might have questions or comments you might be elated with the show you might want to jump off a bridge because of the show but either way i am interested in your feedback or feedback whatever however you pronounce it um and basically what i'm saying is uh don't be a stranger man give the old Harley boy a a letter don't write a letter

don't sit down with pen and paper who does that anymore loser no write me an email an electronic letter get hip man because this is Harlan Williams and you're listening to the Harland Highway

and I'm asking you don't be a stranger We'll see you tomorrow Here On the Harland Highway It's not good He's not good because it's bad Oh get them out

I'm special Okay there it is Harland Highway episode two I hope you enjoyed that gang And we will We will do some more flashback shows Throughout the year And these

These announcements I'm about to give you our current 2012 announcements. If you don't have anything to do New Year's Eve, guess what? I'm going to be in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, my hometown at Massey Hall, doing a stand-up comedy gig at Massey Hall on New Year's Eve with a bunch of funny comedians. And the show is done by 10.30 p.m. at night. So you still have time to motor off and hit your puck. parties, wherever you may be, wherever you end up going. So if you're kicking around Toronto and you're looking for New Year's plans,

come on down to Massey Hall, and you can go to the Massey Hall website or just search around on the Internet for a link and get your tickets, because that puppy's going to sell out, man. I guarantee that. So hope you enjoy that. Don't forget to tune into all things comedy. the podcast network you can now find my show on as well a lot of other great comedians with podcasts on there are tons of fun and don't forget my new special harland williams a force

of nature will be available january 15th at best buy and downloadable on the web uh just to name a few places so uh get ready to to get that that's my incredible new special where I forwent, if that's even a word, the theater route, and I shot my special in the middle of the desert in the scorching daytime sun. It's something to behold. I hope you like it. January 15th, 2013, it will be available.

I will be putting a clip up for you to watch on the Internet and check it out. So there you go. Harlan Highway Flashback Episode 2 We'll catch you next time And until then, chicken shall me, baby