The Harland Highway - 453: COMPUTERS DESTROYING MANKIND, cop chases

Episode Date: December 6, 2012

Will computers destroy humanity? Have you been in a cop car chase? The question of the day, Canadian pop stars, a traditional Highway Xmas song. Jingle my blingle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ring jing jingling ring jingling ring it's a podcast and why the hell would I sing I'll sing some more later in the show yeah that's right I'm gonna do a little singing later I got a whole segment about pop stars you'll be you'll be surprised where a lot of the most famous successful pop stars are coming from oh yeah little props to famous pop singers later in the show we'll be talking about that. Speaking of singing, we're going to play a Christmas Carol favorite, a tradition here

at the Harland Highway. We're going to be listening to Snowballs by my friend Toby Huss. We play it every year. Kind of get you in the mood for the holidays. And how about this? You ever been in the middle of a cop chase, a police car chase?

Has it ever put your life in danger? We've got to talk about that. technology. Oh, my God. Wait, do you hear the new study that the scientific world is doing because they're scared that technology might take over humanity one day. This is interesting stuff we're going to be talking about. And, of course, we have the Harland Highway Question of the Day

where we, you know, make you probe your brain to try and come up with the answers because we're intelligent. Right here at the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking man.

Wake up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, welcome to the podcast. Let's get heady right out of the gate.

Let's get heady. And that's not a sexual term, for those of you kind of pervy people out there. Let's get into this. apparently there's a study going on right now. Scientists are doing a study based on the risk of robot uprisings wiping out the human race. And you're like, yeah, whatever. Well, no, not yeah, whatever.

You know, technology is advancing so rapidly. How many of you have an iPhone with Siri in it? Siri being a function that it's like a robotic voice that you talk to your phone and it talks back to you. Siri, can you tell me who's playing baseball today? Well, it turns out it's a little, you know. Or Siri, can you tell me how to get to the nearest Chinese restaurant? Yes, you just go down to a little, you know. And that's called interactive technology.

That's you conversing with a machine. You're conversing with your friggin' cell phone. Your cell phone is figuring out it's piecing together your questions and responding. And there's a giant computer that they made. I think it's called Adam or something like that. I forget what it's called. It's like a guy's name Adam or Rory or something. IBM made this giant computer that goes on Jeopardy and beats the top Jeopardy.

contestants of all time. It out thinks them. It comes up with random answers. Not random answers. It comes out with correct answers to random questions that it had no prior knowledge of. And it beats the human reaction. I mean, you've watched how quickly people answer on Jeopardy.

So here's a supercomputer processing billions of possibilities for a Jeopardy answer and coming up with the answer ahead of humans and it's basically taking every bit of technology every bit of information based on certain topics

and combining every hit it gets and filtering through it and coming up with the most logical answer to the question and it's alarmingly almost horrifically more often than not correct. And this computer is beating humans.

And when you look at our world of technology, where you look how they're generating human organs and human tissue and petri dishes, they're manufacturing human skin, they're learning how to grow limbs. And at the same time, you know, technology is taking leaps and bounds and you've got to go well at what point in time do they merge you know when is there a petri dish where they're growing like skin with computer chips in it

and it's all functioning together and you reattach the skin and there's there's uh there's electronics in it or robotic parts or computer chips components transmitters whatever you want to call it it kind of freaky man it's kind of freaky right so the potential the rate we're moving the way we're burning through technology the way that uh you know there's there's things that exist things that are in development um you know technologies that are formulating their own thoughts based on data we give them but nonetheless, they're reaching their own conclusion. So check this out. The Center for the Study of Existential Risk, C-S-E-R, C-S-E-R,

Center for the Study of Existential Risk, which, by the way, Caesar was an emperor of Rome who controlled the masses through his use of power. kind of interesting. Caesar will study dangers posed by biotechnology, artificial life, nanotechnology, and climate change. The sciences said that to dismiss concerns of a potential robot uprising would be, quote, dangerous.

Fears that machines may take over have been central to the plot of some of the most popular science fiction films, perhaps most famous, perhaps most famous, is Skynet, a rogue computer system depicted in the Terminator films. Skynet gained self-awareness and fought back after first being developed by the U.S. military. So we all know Skynet from the Terminator movies, right? And these advanced computers started formulating their own ability to reason.

So they continue here. And they say, but despite being the subject of far-fetched fantasies, these movies, and Skynet and all this stuff, researchers said the concept, keyword, concept of machines outsmarting us, demands mature attention. The seriousness of these risks is difficult to assess, but that in itself seems a cause for concern, given how much is at stake. So interesting, right? It's very true. They go on to say, it seems a reasonable prediction

that sometime in this or the next century, which isn't far away, intelligence will escape from the constraints of biology. And he added that as robots and computers become smarter than humans, we could find ourselves at the mercy of machines that are not malicious, but machines whose interests don't include us. And look, you might think that's out there, but it's not, man.

It's really not. As they develop technology that begins to think and come up with answers and learn, uh the early computers that that uh that they created to beat chess players uh initially the humans could beat the computer but what happened is the computers gain knowledge and the computers learned from their mistakes and eventually the computers were able to beat the human beings the best chess players on planet earth could not beat these computers at chess and as I said it didn't start that way they learned from their errors the computers and they retained the memories of the losses and they compiled that data and they learned how to defeat humans

so if that's if that's the you know something that's at the kind of the beginning of computer intelligence you can only imagine the leaps and bounds now Now computers can beat Jeopardy players. They can take a random question. What was the Queen Victoria's favorite dress that she wore in 1503? Like, who knows the answer to that stupid question, Jeopardy questions? The computer figures it out and has the correct answer. How does a damn computer know what Queen Victoria wore?

I'll tell you what, 99.9% of us humans don't know what it were, but somehow a bunch of wires and components knows the answer to a human history question. Isn't that a little startling? And we're just at the beginning of this. Don't forget, folks, 100 years ago, there were still people pulling things around on carts led by horses, 100, 120 years ago. that's not long okay think about cell phones in the 90s you know the first cell phones were just these big clunky phones that all you can do is make a phone call on them that's all you can do

beep beep beep beep beep hello mom oh god it's him hang up it was a phone you made phone calls boom okay now we're in 2012 what can your phone do now your phone can talk to you your phone can GPS you it can tell you how to get places you can download apps you can control your lights you can be in australia and turn on a light in your house uh you can you can uh you can do anything with your phone now where all this technology will be. So I think this is a reasonable thing. It sounds a little goofy. It sounds a little sci-fi-ish, but be warned, man.

Terminator's coming. I'll be back ice-holes. I'll be back ice-halls. Pretty wild, right? So I'm just, you know, I'm just bringing this to your attention. Be alert. Be afraid. Leave your cell phone in another room at night.

Don't let it be near your baby. It's watching you. It's listening to you, snoring and having sexual pleasures with your partner. And it's recording your sleep talking. And it's going to use it against you to destroy you. It's going to come and murder you in the night. Your own cell phone, your iPhone, your iPhone 5 is going to slit your throat in the middle of the night. Oh, my God.

And it's going to know how to cover its tracks. It's that smart. and it's going to videotape the murder and send it to the other iPhones. And Siri will start, Siri will become, her name's Siri because it's short for serial killer. Siri, old killer. She's going to get us all. She's alive, alive. Okay, take it easy, Williams.

You're all like, well, what the hell? am I listening to a podcast for this I'm listening to it on my uh my iPod I gotta get out of here man I'm gonna die so pretty wild stuff man pretty wild stuff something to think about I'm glad they're doing a study because it's it's gonna come down man after the vista baby who okay now that I've terrified all of you let's cut to a Christmas tradition here at the Harland Highway Let's lighten the tone here. It's the holidays, man. We're coming up on Christmas. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So let's lighten the tone. Every Christmas season, I love to do this. My buddy, Toby Huss, great comedian, actor, singer. Every year I take out one of his Christmas songs. It's called Snowballs.

And it's one of my favorite Christmas carols, and I love Toby singing. It's a great little song. Let's do it. Let's get the Christmas holiday cheer going here. Here he is, Toby Huss, singing some Christmas for you. Snowballs. Yeah, it was this time of year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons,

and I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks you see. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for her there. Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress.

She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazone. Oh Yeah, I thought it was June

She says that's it That's it Rudy, I'm leaving you I've had enough I can't stick no more I found another guy I'm gone Hold on baby What do you mean on Christmas Eve

You're leaving me You found another guy Who is this Joe What's he got that I don't got Well he's really cute Baby it's me, it's Rudy He's got a short red suit I know I ain't no beauty

But if you squint your eyes When the lights are low You got one's well looking skinny kids love him to boo Was this more than a date He's got a sack of loo No, you little ain't great Well, yesterday you're my lips smacker

Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas No, I hunch a mistletoe in my pants Packer up There's snowballs like mine There's snowballs like the ones You're leaving behind You're gonna miss my back

Spackling crackling hot You log. Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nog. He's jolly and bed. Yeah, who is this pest? Cheats a rosy and red. Oh, I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough. You ho-ho snow blowing ho-ho-ho.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blow it out your dingle. Don't go getting snooey. Oh, so you bag that cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear. Oh, fat so comes but once a year. There's snowfalls. We live up in the coast.

like these. I love his big North Pole. They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees. You're going to miss roasting my chestnuts. Oh, yes, ma'am. Good luck without my pink honey glazed holiday ham. Because there's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind.

And there's snowballs. And look out, baby, there's snowballs And there's snowballs like those nutty, knocked out, not so cuckoo stones, you're leaving behind. Dear Santa Claus, thanks for nothing. P.S., could you possibly bring me a new brawet? Or, if not, I don't know toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something

A couple of your little helpers To help you, they can help me, pal There's that little devilish laugh That's my boy Toby Huss A very talented guy Toby and I did a movie together back in the day in the 90s Before the technology was wild We did a submarine movie called Down Periscope.

And Toby played the electrician on the submarine. And I played the sonar man. And just an all-round talented dude. I love to play his song every year. A lot of fun. And on top of that, catchy. It's one of those catchy tunes, man. But enough of that, why don't we feature some more of Toby's music

later on in the weeks to come before Christmas. But for now, why don't we get to the Harland Highway question of the day? The Harland Highway Question of the day. Okay, here it is. What in the name of hell is skin on the teeth? How many of you have skin on your teeth? I don't think any of you have skin on your teeth unless you're a cannibal. and you just ate your grandfather.

But have you ever heard that saying, man, we got out of there by the skin of our teeth? I'm telling you, man, we're just getting by by the skin of our teeth. What the hell does that mean? Who has skin on their teeth? Who the hell invented that? The only guy I could see saying that is Hannibal Lecter.

I just got out of the detention. Center by the skin of my teeth. And there is actual human skin on my teeth, Clares. So that's the big question of the day. What the hell the skin of my teeth mean? The Harland Highway, question

of the day. And here's a more serious. This isn't the question of the day. We already did that. But here's a question for you. Have you ever been in a situation where you've almost been hit by a cop car that's speeding through lights. I got to tell you, I was driving the other night.

You know, I'm heading over to Chick-fil-A at like 10 in the evening to get my sandwich, my chicken fillet sandwich on. Because, you know, that's how I roll at night. I like to cruise down the strip in my pickup truck and pick me up a Chick-fil-A. Oh, yeah. Nice. But I'm coming up to the street light, and I'm in the left turn lane, right?

Because I've got to take a left turn to get over to Chick-fil-A. I'm at a busy intersection in Hollywood. And all of a sudden I see a cop coming down in front of me. He starts, like, going through the red light. His lights are flashing, and he did a quick little boop-w-w-w-boop-boop-boop-boop. But just a quick, he didn't keep. the siren on, but he had these, you know, the stroving lights and it's night time. And I tell you what, man, there was a guy coming down.

He wasn't taking a left turn like me. He was going right through the green. And this guy slammed on the brakes and came from probably about two feet from teaboning this cop car right in front of me. Right? And it's L.A., so I had my windows down. some homeless guy on the corner, this black dude with dreadlocks and, you know, he had, like, speakers in his ears, and he was probably tweaking or something. And he just, to him, it was like a, it was like a free dinner theater, right?

Like, he jumped up the second it was going. He was like, oh, man, guy almost ran into a cop. He's just laughing like, this is the funniest thing. Oh, man, he almost hit that cop, man. he couldn't get enough of it but I was like man it was dangerous I mean you know

whoever was in that little car looked like a little family car it wasn't like it wasn't a guy in a sports car speeding this was just like your average Dodge neon out for a you know someone was going about their business they're coming down the road

and you know in a way now now that I think of it I drive a big pickup truck so I might have been obstructing their view a little bit from the, you know, the cop car that was coming from the left straight down the road. They're probably pulling up, you know, drive them past me to go through this intersection.

My truck might have blocked their view a little bit. And, man, they almost smashed right into this cop car. And I'm thinking, where was the cop going that's so important? You know? Is there a drug bust? Is there a hostage situation? Is there, you know, is it a situation where, you know, he had to speed through that intersection and risk not only his life, but the lives of people in the cars? Like, you know, some psychos holding up a 7-Eleven, I've got to get there and draw my gun.

Or is he racing to save someone's life? you know what we want them to do but what if in the in the in the in the effort to race and save someone's life he loses his life or where's yet take someone else's life and you know guess what this stuff happens man this stuff actually happens so you ask yourself you know does time matter i guess it does sometimes they say just mere seconds can be the difference between life and death. So I guess they got to do it, but, wow. It was tense, man.

I was like, oh, man, they're going to hit. And somehow this Dodge Neon just stopped in time. Much to the chagrin of the homeless dude with the predator hair. Oh, man, the cop hit the thing. Right? So I don't know. I'm wondering if that's ever happened to you guys. The pavement pounders, man.

You almost got wailed by a cop car or an ambulance. It's pretty scary. So keep your eyes open, man. Keep your eyes open for that. Good night, Nelly Frittato. Will you shut that thing off? Speaking of Nellie Frittato, you know, it just occurred to me. I got to give a little shout out, man.

A little shout out to the Canadian singers. It occurred to me that, you know, the Canadian singers are kind of really dominating the landscape right now. The pop singers and the, you know, a lot of the solo artist singers. And the reason I thought of is because Nellie Frittato is Canadian. You know, Nellie Frittato, big hit-writing machine. Canadian. Avril Levine, little pop superstar right in the hits. Canadian.

Alanis Morissette, you know, pop superstar for the last, like, almost two decades, Canadian. Justin Bieber, Canadian. Sarah McLaughlin, Canadian. Celine Dion Canadian Right Now this new girl who won best vocal Or best pop female pop star of the year You know, I don't think her name's Carly something

She's like, so call me, call me baby I just got your number so Call me, call me lately Or whatever the hell that thing is, that catchy little The one with the bangs, Carly Ray Cyrus or some friggin name Canadian. With all these Canadians, man.

Dominating the little pop music world. I'll say it again, sweet Nellie Frittato. What are they putting in the water up there in Canada, man? Why didn't I get it? Why didn't I become a pop tune singer? I'm Canadian. So baby, this is crazy. I just met you.

so call me maybe call me baby what that wasn't good you go oh so i'm not a pop singer great thank you thank you very much for hurting my feelings so rude well i'm just gonna end the show if i can't sing call me baby then i'm just going to have hurt feelings and i'm going to just go away Screw you guys. No, I'm not going to go away. I'm still here. But let's get to some announcements here, shall we? First of all, let me announce.

Let me tell you about a really cool thing. If you don't have plans for New Year's Eve yet and you're living in Toronto, Toronto, Canada, you're in the area. We, I am hosting the Massey Hall, New Year's Eve, comedy extravaganza. This thing starts at like 7.30. And it's, you know, December 31st. And it's down a great theater, great theater right in downtown Toronto, beautiful theater, legendary theater. And I'm going to be hosting an evening. with comedians and some surprise guests.

And it's going to be a blast. So make sure you check that out. Look that up on the Internet. The 12th annual Massey Hall New Year's Eve comedy extravaganza. That's going to be a blast. And it's done by 10.30. So you're not going to be spending your New Year's in a theater full of strangers. You're going to catch a show early.

7.30, you're out by 10.30, and you're on your way to your New Year's Eve party. So a great way to kick off your night. And also let me tell you about my new special is coming out. My new one-hour stand-up comedy special called Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. It's my first special in like two, three years. And this one's a dilly gang. This one, I've already mentioned it. I shot the darn thing in the middle of the desert up on a hill in the blazing sun. It's stunning to look at, and it's a really different, really fun, pushing the envelope,

which you know what you know I like to do, and you can get that at iTunes. Download that sucker at iTunes, January 15th, 2013. Harland Williams, a force of nature. Be the first to get it and tell your friends. it's going to be awesome. Also be sure to join my Twitter page at Harland Williams. And don't forget, on my YouTube channel, you can see the new cock, the ass, and the pussy cartoon,

which is not what you think. It's not a porno. It's about a cat, a rooster, and a donkey. The cock, the ass, and the pussy. Check out their adventures, the new animated short available. Don't forget to join up on my... official, the Harlan Williams official, Facebook page. And if you want to call me, call me baby or call me lately,

you can always call the Harland Highway and leave a message, 323-739-4-330. That's 323-739-4-3-0, and your comments or whatever might make it on the air. You can always write me at Harlan-Williams.com. and don't forget to check out my new the new comedy podcast network that I'm a part of called All Things Comedy. That's All Things Comedy.com

where you can find other fun podcasts, comedy podcasts, on that network as well. So there you go. Call me, baby. Just don't call me late for dinner because I'm having chicken chowmaine tonight, baby. here and this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe it's hard to look right at you baby but here's my number so call me maybe hey i just make you and this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe

Thank you.